Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HAVE YOURSELF A MELTDOWN LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Early festive draft of Meltdown that saw Santa have a more prominent role.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

JINGLE BELL HOL ROCK

Festive musical deleted scene from Kryten whereby Holly demonstrates his extra notes by singing an extended version of a popular Christmas tune.

[cwickham]

CHRISTMAS MUST BE SOMETHING POLYMOREPH

Taylor Swift song about the Polymorph coming back at Christmas.

[cwickham]

CHRISTMASES WHEN YOU WERE QUARANTINE

Taylor Swift song about what would have happened if Cat, Lister and Kryten never escaped Bay 47.

[Dave]

BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE’S NO KIND OF ATMOSPHERE

Red Dwarf’s closing theme is suddenly deemed ‘problematic’ and can no longer be broadcast.

[cwickham]

SLEIGH TIMERIDES

Lister goes back in time to the recording of a song made famous by the Ronettes.

[Pete Part Three]

REPETE PART ONE

A forum poster bemoans the familiarity of the Xmas-themed ideas for episodes and complains to Points of View.

[Ridley]

PETE ON EARTH

Bad Trill to all Birdmen! Pete has a festive episode to ensure that everyone has a white Christmas this year.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

M-CAROLS

It’s Christmas and M-Corp have decided the only thing people are allowed to hear for a month are Christmas carols

[Warbodog]

POP AS MANY BALLS AS YOU CAN

Catchphrase from problematic Agonoid gonad-electrocution-kit-based gameshow Big Ballache.

[Dave]

BRIG BREAK

‘Lost’ Series VIII episode in which Lister and Rimmer try to escape prison by disguising themselves as snooker cues.

[Dave]

I’M GONNA BE SNOOKERING YOU TONIGHT

A drunken Lister taunts the White Hole.

[Dave]

JIM, DAVID’S SON

Bexley introduces his brother.

[Warbodog]

BIG BREASTS

Lost Series VIII episode that would have seen Kryten explore his feminine side by fashioning himself some ginormous knockers, after consulting with Mr Rimmer for design tips. The guys start making excuses to hang around with him. This might as well exist.

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-NINE

Kryten is preparing a turkey dinner for Christmas Day, but needs to know who will eat the most.

Lister can eat more than Rimmer, but Cat can eat more than Lister. Rimmer can out-eat Kryten, but Cat can eat more than Rimmer.

Which of the following statements is correct?:

a) Lister can eat more than Kryten but can’t eat more than Rimmer

b) Both Kryten and Cat can eat more than Lister

c) Lister can eat more than Kryten by more than he can out-eat Rimmer

d) None of the above

c)

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY

For the Dwarfers’ Christmas party, Rimmer has brought Lister a special new dartboard. The bullseye is worth 50 points. The zone around the bullseye is split into ten different sections which are worth 2 points, 4 points, 6 points and so on up to 20. The outer rim is also split into ten sections, which are worth 1 to 10 points.

Rimmer challenges Lister to a game: they pick a number for each other, and the first player to score that total with three darts is the winner. The loser has to clean the entire ship from top to bottom.

Rimmer picks the number 150 for Lister, so the only way for Lister to win is to get all three darts in the bullseye before Rimmer gets whatever number Lister picks for him. However, there are some numbers it is impossible to score with three darts!

What is the lowest impossible score Lister can ask Rimmer to get with three darts? (Darts that miss count as 0 points.)

81.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TRIXIE LABOUCHE SHOT

Rimmer, in the hardlight body of a female prostitute, goes on Big Break and demonstrates his snooker skills.

[Dave]

BOT AS MANY CALLS AS YOU CAN

Lister phones up an all-android shopping channel and is dismayed to be kept on hold by their automated answering service.

[Dave]

SPOT AS MANY SPALLS AS YOU CAN

Red Dwarf fans are amazed to learn that notorious Brumface artist Timothy Spall not only guest-stars in Back To Reality but also makes several other secret uncredited cameos throughout the series. Can you find them all?

[Dave]

JOT AS MUCH BALLS AS YOU CAN

Suggestion given to Doug Naylor immediately before writing the script for Timewave.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-ONE

Rimmer changes the rules of his darts game so all three darts must score, and must land in different sections of the board.

What is the new highest possible score? And Lister won’t be able to score 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, but what is the next lowest impossible score?

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-ONE

Rimmer changes the rules of his darts game so all three darts must score, and must land in different sections of the board.

What is the new highest possible score? And Lister won’t be able to score 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, but what is the next lowest impossible score?

Highest Possible: 88

Lowest Impossbile (> 5): 49

[Jenuall]

READY SMEGGY COOK

After spending Christmas reminiscing over the curio that was Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg Doug decides that the best way to bring Dwarf back is in the form of another one-off cookery based show

[Jenuall]

THE GREAT BRITISH SMEG OFF

It turns out that all the enthusiasm surrounding everyone being keen to produce more Red Dwarf content out of their buttskis was actually misguided and really Rob and Doug just wanted to make vaguely Dwarf themed cookery shows

[Jenuall]

THE HAIRY SMEGGERS

Keen to do more Dwarf themed cookery spin-offs but unable to secure any of the actual cast someone comes up with the idea of creating one starring two random blokes dressed as GELFs

[Pete Part Three]

BACK ISSUE TO REALITY

A group of Red Dwarf fans venture into a wood and find some smeggy magazines in an old carrier bag.

[cwickham]

LYING TIME!

Hudzen attempts to explain his recent string of illegal parties.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IT’S NEVER BEER IS IT, IT’S ALWAYS WIIINE.  WHAT BOOZE YOU WANT FOR YOUR ILLEGAL GARDEN PARTIES? OH I’LL HAVE SOME WIIIINE PLEASE.

A Lister complains that the only booze on offer at an illegal gathering is wine.

[Dave]

WELL, WE ARE THE SMART PARTY PARTY

Boris Johnson rebrands the Conservatives with a new identity based on how cleverly they were able to conceal parties during lockdown.

[cwickham]

WINE TIME! (FRIDAYS)

Hudzen notices it’s time for his regularly scheduled illegal piss-up with work colleagues.

[cwickham]

OH YEAH, QUEENS DON’T MOVE LIKE THAT

Boris Johnson dances into the night at a party held on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral.

[Dave]

I’VE NEVER EVEN SEEN A GARDEN, EXCEPT IN BOOKS

Kryten travels back in time and advises Boris Johnson to go even further with his outrageous denial that he attended an illegal lockdown party in the grounds of 10 Downing Street.

[Dave]

YOU DON’T WORK ANY NIGHT, YOU DON’T WORK ANY DAY

Rimmer poins out the logical flaw in Boris Johnson’s defence that he thought a garden party was a work event.

[Dave]

SKIVE HARD, PLAY HARD, THAT’S OUR MOTTO

Hoping to address his critics head-on, Boris Johnson unveils his unusually direct new election campaign slogan.

[Pete Part Three]

CHEAT PARTY TWO

After bending the rules of their incarceration with the help of the time wand, Rimmer and Lister hold a party.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO

All the keypads on Red Dwarf have the numbers 1-9 arranged in a 3-by-3 grid, in such a way that the number formed in the first row can be multiplied by 2 to form the number in the second row, and by 3 to form the number in the third row. One way of doing this would be:

2 | 1 | 9

4 | 3 | 8

6 | 5 | 7

There are several different combinations where this is possible, but the keypads on Red Dwarf have the number 5 in the centre square. What is the only solution that allows this to be the case?

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO

All the keypads on Red Dwarf have the numbers 1-9 arranged in a 3-by-3 grid, in such a way that the number formed in the first row can be multiplied by 2 to form the number in the second row, and by 3 to form the number in the third row. One way of doing this would be:

2 | 1 | 9

4 | 3 | 8

6 | 5 | 7

There are several different combinations where this is possible, but the keypads on Red Dwarf have the number 5 in the centre square. What is the only solution that allows this to be the case?

3 | 2 | 7

6 | 5 | 4

9 | 8 | 1

[Rudolph]

YOU WEREN’T AROUND FOR MY LAST PARTY, WERE YOU?

Boris Johnson gets annoyed when the Dwarfers gatecrash his latest work gathering.

[cwickham]

I HATE TO BREAK UP THE PARTY, BUT IS THERE SOMEONE MISSING?

Rimmer remains in hiding over his recent string of illegal parties.

[Jonathan Capps]

Fuck my arse, it’s the 252nd page.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

[Dave]

[cwickham]

THEN YOU REACH THAT PAGE, 240-250, YOUR MEMES GIVE UP

Posters are disheartened by the number of opportunities for running jokes to continue lost to them.

[cwickham]

RED DWARF C

The landmark 100th series is all about Piers Morgan.

[cwickham]

NFT

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a really, really obvious scam perpetuated by total morons.

[cwickham]

#SAVEANDROIDS

Kryten starts a campaign to save his favourite soap opera after learning it is to be cancelled after three million and forty years on air.

[Pete Part Three]

BETTER THAN AFTERLIFE

Doug is reassured by the news that Series VIII is at least marginally better than Ricky Gervais’s latest shitcom.

[Renegade Rob]

GOOD ENOUGH

The Dwarfers have another timey-wimey adventure where they end up on Earth in either 1963, 23 A.D., sometime in Lister’s youth (whatever century that is), or an alternate Earth where technology has been outlawed. Then upon completing said adventure, they realize, “Oh shit, isn’t an Earth populated with humans exactly what our endgame’s been this whole time?” And then they just stay in that time period and settle on Earth and realize that going back to their “present” Dwarf is stupid, as there’s no reason to be loyal to their own time period. Lister still wants to find Kochanski, but Kryten points out that even if she had been out there and alive during the early Dave era, she would have almost certainly died during the time they went into stasis to help Kryten with his midlife crisis, provided she didn’t put herself into stasis or find a way back to her home dimension. Everyone shrugs and agrees. They all settle on Fiji and run a hot dog and donut business together and hang out on the beach in Hawaiian shirts, with Lister wearing the one he wore in the End to come full circle.

KOCHANSKI-CEPTION

Through time travel, dimensional travel, and maybe nanobots and GELF shenanigans, the Dwarfers end up hosting the Chloe Annett Kochanski, the Clare Grogan Kochanski, and the “Kochanski” Camille, who all just point to each other like 60’s Spider-Man.

[Dave]

KRISTINE GDANSKI

Due to a misunderstanding, the Dwarfers search for Lister’s lost girlfriend in a coastal Polish city.

[Dave]

PRISTINE KOCHANSKI

The Dwarfers are amazed to discover Lister’s lost girlfriend who looks exactly like she did the day they last saw her.

[Dave]

WOW, WE’RE ON PAGE 253 WHICH ISN’T SUCH A BIG DEAL THESE DAYS

Etc.

[Author]

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