Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

SISTINE KOCHANSKI

Lister takes his girlfriend back in time and gets her to model for a fresco in the Vatican.

[Dave]

LISTERINE KOCHANSKI

Lister suggests that his girlfriend use some mouthwash.

[Dave]

DAVE LISTERINE

Kochanski suggests that her boyfriend use some mouthwash.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-THREE

Hollister asks for health & safety reports from five of his officers, each regarding a different part of Red Dwarf. Unfortunately, all the information gets mixed up, and now he’s not sure who is in charge of which area, what floor they’re on, and their records for most days without injury. Here’s what he does know:

– Petersen was in charge of catering, whose record without injury was not 17 days.

– Selby wasn’t based on the thirtieth floor.

– The only area being reported on on floor 20, which did not hold the 28-day injury record, was the discotheque.

– 348 days was not the record for the stasis booths. Selby was in charge of the area with the 1-day record.

– The two areas on the thirtieth floor were the one with the 17-day record, and the one that Kochanski managed.

– Todhunter managed the Engineering department, which wasn’t on the tenth floor. The shopping mall had the 53-day record, but wasn’t on the thirtieth floor.

Which area had only ever gone one day without injury?

[Jenuall]

If there are 5 areas then I don’t think those facts work?

From the basic info we get these floor/person/locations:
<Floor X “not 10”> – Todhunter – Engineering
<Floor Y> – Petersen – Catering
Floor 30 – Kochanski – <Area A>
Floor 30 – <Person 1> – <Area B>
Floor 20 – <Person 2> – Discotheque

Area A and B are both unknown – one has to be the Stasis booths and the other the Shopping Mall, but the shopping mall is explicitly stated as being not on the 30th floor?

[Dave]

THE CLEGGA DRIVE, FROM G&T LABS

Fresh from their success with the Smega Drive, the G&T crew develop a similar technology based on all speeches delivered by Nick Clegg, in the hope that meme-making hilarity will ensue.

[Dave]

THE LEGGA DRIVE, FROM G&T LABS

Fresh from their success with the Smega Drive and the Clegga Drive, the G&T crew develop a similar technology based on all Eastenders scenes in which Leonard Fenton appeared, in the hope that further internet tomfoolery will occur.

[Dave]

THE EGGA DRIVE, FROM G&T LABS

Fresh from their success with the Smega Drive, the Clegga Drive and the Legga Drive, the G&T crew develop a similar technology based on all of Andrew Lincoln’s appearances in This Life. Soon after, Lincoln logs on to the G&T forums and wonders why the fuck everyone is photoshopping him into scenes from Sonic The Hedgehog videogames.

[si]

KRISTINE ADAMSKI

A British DJ releases a song featuring an uncredited Claire Grogan on vocals.

[Warbodog]

THE SNESHEAD, FROM G&T LABS

Super Nintendo-themed Red Dwarf quote generator from an alternate timeline where that boxy Early Learning Centre-looking console won the hearts of early-90s British children. Users go through phases of posting nostalgic Super Mario / Red Dwarf mashups that are criticised in spite of being the most on-topic references possible.

[Jenuall]

THE RASTA SYSTEM, FROM G&T LABS

Fresh from their success with the Smega Drive, the Clegga Drive, the Legga Drive, and the Egga Drive, the G&T crew develop a similar technology based on all aspects of Rastafarian culture captured on British TV, primarily featuring clips from popular kids show “Rastamouse”. Much debate is had about whether or not the whole endeavour is highly offensive.

[Dave]

THE HEIDEGGER DRIVE, FROM G&T LABS

Fresh from their success with their various meme-generating enterprises, the G&T crew rest on their laurels and churn out a shit new Red Dwarf meme system that can only show two brief scenes from Legion about his original creators.

 

[Pete Part Three]

INSANITY WELCOMES CARELESS SMEGADRIVERS

A forum poster considers travelling back in time and destroying the smegadrive before it can ever be invented, to stop the wall of images that is hidden under every “Recent Comments” link.

 

[cwickham]

IDEARAMA

A science-fiction sitcom is revived yet again by another broadcaster, but not the one the last 12,614 posts are about, so this thread carries on.

[cwickham]

GAZPACHO POLICE

Rimmer goes to great extremes to ensure nobody brings up soup again.

[Pete Part Three]

OUT OF VALENTINES

Lister get depressed when he realises that his valentine is his mum.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FOUR

Kryten has started work on a new model Starbug to replace all the crashed ones. If he finds some titanium sheets that each measure 5 metres by 5 metres, how many would he need to complete the spacecraft’s construction?

[Warbodog]

ANDY WAR HOL

Andy Crane guest stars as a secret incarnation of Holly between Norman Lovett and Hattie Hayridge. Lister makes some pop art.

[Moonlight]

FATHERS AND SUBS

Lister tries to get Kochanski to call him “daddy”.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE

The water tank on board Red Dwarf has sprung a leak. The Dwarfers go to the maintenance ladder and see the bottom rung is already low enough to touch the water. The distance between the rungs is 25 cm and the length of the rope ladder is 225 cm. The water level is rising at the rate of 20 cm each hour.

Counting from the top, how long will it take the water to reach the fifth rung?

[Ridley]

OUT OF VALENTINES

Lister get depressed when he realises that his valentine is his mum.

JUST THE MINUTES

Repetition.

[Pete Part Three]

RIDLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT

A forum regular offers the dubious claim that he didn’t intentionally plagiarise an existing Red Dwarf episode idea from 8 years ago.

[cwickham]

<p>LET ME BE FRANK</p><p>Long-awaited episode that finally reveals the sinister truth about why Hollister, Todhunter, Rimmer’s brother and uncle, one of the gunmen in Laredo, the guy who discovers the abandoned baby Lister and the washing machine all have the same first name.</p>

[cwickham]

<p>CODING FUCKUP IN THE RED</p><p>The nanobots create lots of extraneous letters and brackets.</p>

[cwickham]

<p>CSS</p><p>The DNA machine comes back, and hopefully fixes the problem with coding fuckups.</p>

[cwickham]

<p>FSS</p><p>It doesn’t.</p>

[Dave]

<P>OLYMORPH: The Emohawk returns and disguises itself as forum code.

[cwickham]

ETE

The time wand returns, and causes everyone’s coding to go haywire somehow.

[Jonathan Capps]

Hah! In your FACE, cwickham!

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IDEA FOR A GIF

Fan desperately try to come up with unique Red Dwarf GIF puns to turn into GIFs.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WAITING FOR GIF

An old priest dies happy when a video mutes its sound and pretends to be a GIF for him just before he dies.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THANKS FOR THE GIF

Lister gifts Rimmer a GIF of an old girlfriend for his death day.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-SIX

Rimmer can’t remember the combination to his locker, but finds a note he wrote on his arm to help him remember it.

The combination is four digits long, all of which are different, and all of which are also even numbers. However, the number all four digits form in the correct order can be divided exactly by both 22 and 194.

What is the combination?

[Flap Jack]

4268

To find the answer, you just take all the even, single digit Red Dwarf series, and put them in descending order by Holly quality.

[cwickham]

BACK TO EARTH

Owing to a hilarious mix-up, Dave accidentally airs three hours of audio drama starring Christopher Eccleston as Doctor Who.

[Flap Jack]

THE BEGINNING

Owing to a hilarious mix up, Dave accidentally airs 1 hour of an audio drama starring Carole Ann Ford as Susan Foreman and Terry Molloy as Some Guy Who Is Not Davros.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

THE LAST DAY
Owing to a hilarious mix-up, Dave accidentally airs a 3-minute mini-episode starring Chris Finch as Time Lord Soldier, Barry Aird as Older Time Lord Soldier, and Alan Gill as other Time Lord Soldier.

[Dave]

TIMEWAVE
Owing to a hilarious mix-up, Dave accidentally commissions and then airs Red Dwarf series XII episode 3.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BUMWAVE

Due to a hilarious mix up, GNP accidentally film an extended sequence of Craig Charles holding his bum cheeks apart, jumping up and down in front of a hand drier, for a scene that was meant to be told not shown in Back to Earth. 

[cwickham]

SNICKERS TO RIDE

Lister travels back in time in a quest to find some chocolate bars with peanuts in them.

[cwickham]

BICKER TO RIDE

Lister travels back in time in a quest to start an argument.

[cwickham]

CLICKER TO RIDE

Lister travels back in time in a quest to find a retractable pen.

[cwickham]

FLICKER TO RIDE

Lister travels back in time to find some unreliable lightbulbs.

[cwickham]

QUICKER TO RIDE

Lister travels back in time faster than he did previously.

[si]

MARATHON TO RIDE

Lister travels further back in time in a quest to find some chocolate bars with peanuts in them.

[cwickham]

DWARFER IN DISTRESS

Doug releases a charity single in a bid to return Red Dwarf to the airwaves.

[Dave]

DWARFER IN DIS DRESS

A further entry arrives for the inaugural Smegazine caption competition, several decades too late.

[cwickham]

DWARFER IN DIS MESS

Lister ends up ankle-high in his own smeg.

[cwickham]

DWARFER IN THE FAMILY NESS

Inexplicable crossover with a cartoon about a family of Loch Ness Monsters.

[cwickham]

Fuck my arse we really need a new meme for when we go onto a new page

[Author]

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