Where does he get those wonderful toys? News Posted by Seb Patrick on 7th April 2006, 09:14 Right, bear with me folks. This is sad. This is really, really sad. But I got bored at work. On the webboard (I won’t bother linking to it, links to there never seem to work when John posts ’em), there was a thread someone started about action figures – basically wondering what people thought about the idea of having a set of Red Dwarf ones.Obviously, as someone who loves action figures (I don’t collect them, but I do buy the odd ones here and there of things I like to dot around my desk), I think Dwarf ones would be wonderful. And then I started thinking of all the figures that you could do – in a Family Guy/Simpsons style, you could do wave after wave of figures, with special versions of certain characters. Obviously, in Dwarf, there are so many alternate versions and whatnot that you could do plenty. There could be a massive array of figures to choose from, and it would be fantastic. Of course, it would never happen. I just can’t see the action figure market and Red Dwarf ever having a happy marriage. Maybe one or two figures coming out here and there, sure – but I just can’t see Dwarf attracting the hardcore toy collectors that would be needed justify wave upon wave of figures. I’m not sure why, I just can’t, as great as the bits and bobs of toys and merch we’ve had lately have been. Even so, though, it got me thinking. And I was a bit bored at work, so I started compiling a list of all the figures that could be made. And then it got a bit out of hand, because then I started splitting them up into different “waves” of characters to come out bit by bit, and thinking about what accessories they’d have with them, and special variant versions of certain figures that could appear at conventions and the like. Here, then, is my fantasy Red Dwarf Action Figures product listing… Wave One RD001 DAVE LISTER Standard post-series-III costume. Comes with guitar, hat, Leopard lager can and cigarette RD011 ARNOLD RIMMER Series VI-VII blue costume Comes with light bee VARIANT FIGURE – Comes in “soft light” red costume RD021 THE CAT In black-and-white coat, circa series IV RD031 KRYTEN 2X4B 523P Standard version Comes with groinal attachment and Spare Head Three RD041 KRISTINE KOCHANSKI Series VII red costumed version Wave Two (“The Early Years”) RD002 SERIES 1-2 LISTER Wearing London Jets t-shirt etc. VARIANT FIGURE – Comes in Mugs Murphy t-shirt RD012 SERIES 1-2 RIMMER In JMC uniform Comes with removable beehive hairdo and hologrammatic book RD022 CAT (FIRST APPEARANCE) In pink suit Comes with knife and fork and scent spray RD042 ORIGINAL KOCHANSKI Clare Grogan version in JMC uniform RD051 HOLLY Norman Lovett version on trolley on wheels Wave Three RD003 DEEP SLEEP LISTER With shaggy hair and beard, and long toenails Comes with book of polaroids RD013 GINGHAM DRESS RIMMER Comes with removable Mr Flibble RD032 KRYTEN (NUDE) Comes with interchangeable inflated hand and “vase” of flowers RD052 CAPTAIN HOLLISTER Series VIII-style Comes with muffin and pile cream glove RD053 THE INQUISITOR Hand interchangeable between skeleton and gauntlet Removable helmet to reveal rotating pictures of Dwarf crew! Wave Four (“Alternate Personalities”) RD004 SEBASTIAN DOYLE Comes with limo keys and wallet RD014 ACE RIMMER Comes with helmet RD023 DUANE DIBBLEY Comes with lunchbox and thermos RD033 JAKE BULLET Comes with badge and gun RD061 DEB LISTER & ARLENE RIMMER Special two-figure pack! Wave Five RD005 UNIFORM LISTER In JMC shirt and tie RD015 EXERCISING RIMMER In JMC-issue t-shirt and shorts RD024 SERIES VI CAT In black and peach outfit with buttons, from Gunmen & Rimmerworld RD034 GOLD KRYTEN Comes with jewellery and telephone RD054 LEGION Comes with Lister’s appendix and removable face mask Wave Six (“Gunmen of the Apocalypse”) RD006 BRETT RIVERBOAT Comes with two knives RD016 DANGEROUS DAN McGREW Comes with wooden bar RD025 THE RIVIERA KID Comes with guns RD035 SHERIFF KRYTEN Comes with “dove” guns and bottle of whiskey RD055 DEATH Comes with gun Wave Seven RD017 SERIES III-V RIMMER In green uniform Comes with removable hat and clipboard VARIANT FIGURE – In red uniform RD036 KRYTEN (FIRST APPEARANCE) David Ross version Comes with apron and painting of Rimmer RD056 SIMULANT Comes with gun RD057 KINITAWOWI GELF Comes with removable veil and O/G unit RD058 CAMILLE BLOB With flexible tentacle! Wave Eight RD007 “LOW” LISTER Comes with whip and remote control RD018 PACIFIST RIMMER With glasses, beard and “Give Quiche A Chance” t-shirt Comes with “Chameleonic Life Forms – No Thanks” and “CLITORIS” placards RD026 “HIGH” CAT With removable hood RD059 THE DOG Comes with baseball mitt and bone RD062 CONFIDENCE & PARANOIA Special two-figure pack! Comes with “medical unit” accessory I could go on, but you get the idea… Um, I’ll go back and hide in my corner, now.
Kewl. There was that rather groovy Kryten figure from years and years ago. More in that kind of style would have been welcome. Plus the D-Forms models of Duane Dibbley and Rimmer were nicely done. Well, as long as you could paint them properly. And I could not.
I wonder. Perhaps best done in a slightly “cartoonified” style – like the Real Ghostbusters or the Yellow Submarine Beatles. Doing that knowingly will take away from the slightly crapness that always comes with trying to make a likeness that works. Besides that, The Real Ghostbusters toys were brill. “Fright Features” and “Super Fright Features” Red Dwarf characters, anyone?
Ha, go to the official site and see what a horrible Kryten head Robert is holding on the “signed up” page. That’s what a “realistic” Kryen action figure would look like.
