Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Pete Part Three]

Better Than Litigation

Patrick Stewart begins legal proceedings against Red Dwarf.

[Ridley]

Captain’s Orifice: Rimmer becomes a model employee…

Only joking!

CGI Rimmer is shrunk down and goes on a fantasstic voyeurge up Hollister’s anus to unclog an artery or twelve.

[Pete Part Three]

Last Hummus

The ship’s supply of hummus begins to run out. Leading to hilarious consequences.

[Dave]

Better Than Fife

When Rimmer takes up playing the flute, the rest of the crew remarks that hearing him practice is at least slightly more bearable than it was when he used to play a slightly smaller, piccolo-like instrument.

[Hamish]

“Corbyn”

The Dwarfers discover a new refrain for Seven Nation Army.

[Dave]

Feltdown

When the crew travel back in time to the early 21st century, they are surprised to find how invasive airport security staff were in that era.

Bodyswab

Sequel.

[Ridley]

Colon-y: It’s almost exactly the same as Captain’s Orifice but you can’t copyright an idea.

[Dave]

The Fast Day

As Lister and Rimmer get older, they begin to remark on how quickly time feels like it passes at their age.

Meanwhile, Cat can’t eat for a full 24 hours because he imminently has to have a general anaesthetic for a lifesaving operation.

[Pete Part Three]

Hamill

Kryten follows a distress call to a planet called Ahch-To, where a Jedi Knight called Luke Skywalker lives alone. When Rimmer sees him he sees not a Jedi but rather a cartoon character called The Joker. It emerges that the survivor is really a method actor called Mark Hamill who has been living in deep space for at least 30 years. Holly doesn’t see anything when she looks at him because her screen is dirty and also because I can’t think of anything else that Mark Hamill’s been in. Fuck off.

[Dave]

Is Wing Commander really so easily forgotten?

Oh yes, of course it is.

[Ridley]

Incontinence: It’s almost exactly the same as Captain’s Orifice but you can’t copyright an idea. Bloody EU.

[Rubber]

‘Poke Me A Cripple’

Lister owns up to having an amputee fetish.

[cwickham]

Skipper: The Dwarfers meet some UKIP voters, whom they refer to in quite casual terms.

[cwickham]

Holocracy: The Rimmer from VIII is resurrected as a hologram and there is a presidential election between him and the other Rimmer from I-VII and Back to Earth onwards, to decide who becomes Hologram President.

[flanl3]

M’COCKCRACY:

When Kryten discovers that Rimmer has decided to run for machine president, he tries to encourage Archie to join the race as well.

[Rubber]

‘Babooned’

Professor E is back, only this time she’s an even bigger, stupider primate. Rimmer still tries to fuck her though.

[cwickham]

Catocracy: There is an election to decide who becomes Cat President. Cat is the only candidate and is elected unopposed due to the fact that nobody else gives a shit.

[flanl3]

KRYTEN II:

Direct sequel to Kryten. Just thirty minutes of Kryten (played by the child of David Ross and Robert Llewellyn) riding the space bike, flipping off Red Dwarf the entire time. He keeps saying funny insults about Rimmer, and this enrages fans because we shouldn’t be able to hear this in space. It ends with Kryten slamming into an asteroid, then a shocking scene where Lister, upon discovering the body, doesn’t reconstruct Kryten, but instead goes down to the cargo decks and reprograms a mechanoid (played

[flanl3]

Apparently, Kryten II also has a bit of a lackluster ending, as usual.

[Rubber]

‘Better Than Leith’

Kochanski decides the warm cushion of heroin addiction is preferable to the reality of Edinburgh in the late 20th century. Back on Red Dwarf, a mouse has eaten all the icing sugar!

[cwickham]

Captainocracy: Captain Hollister decides to run in the election for Captain of Red Dwarf. The election is cancelled when everyone remembers he already holds this position anyway.

[flanl3]

SAM SARA:

It turns out that Sam Murray was not gay but instead pansexual, and ends up dating a nice computer engineer called Sara. They end up creating a karma drive on board Red Dwarf by accident, then program it wrong so that it wipes out the whole crew in a radiation leak, but not before a scene praised by Twitter as thw best Red Dwarf has done yet where Sam gets caught by Sara using a pan handle as a dildo.

[cwickham]

Better Than Leith II: Bake Off finds a judge who doesn’t accidentally tweet the winner’s name ten hours early.

[flanl3]

MACAWCRACY:

The Dwarfers accidentally turn Pete into a macaw that slowly takes over the ship for no sensible reason allowing for a lot of jokes with no audience reaction whatsoever about ‘the pecking order.’

[cwickham]

Kochansocracy: Clare Grogan, Chloe Annett and Dona DiStefano run for election to the position of Kochanski, with the winner being retroactively edited into the losers’ episodes.

[Rubber]

‘Pissirens’

Cat starts wetting the bed and is forced to use an alarmed rubber bedsheet in an attempt to cure the problem. Meanwhile, Rimmer tried to select an appropriate typeface for his new hologrammatic H.

[flanl3]

STRIPPER:

Rimmer gets a hold of a quantum stripper and starts stripping through time and space, causing eyes to have been an evolutionary disadvantage, thus resulting in sight no longer existing.

[bloodteller]

OUT OF TIM- The crew encounter the Tim Drive. it turns them all into Tim McInnery.

[flanl3]

EPIDERM:

Lister accidentally contracts sentient skin. It gets really annoyed whenever he jacks off, tries to keep him in the shower all the time, and occasionally just trying to leave Lister. Eventually, it turns him a really pasty white, which stays in his DNA once they’ve got his old skin back, explaining why his mech body was that color in Siliconia.

[bloodteller]

THE LUST DAY- The crew all take a swig of the sexual magnetism virus and fuck each other senseless for 24 hours.

[cwickham]

Toastocracy: Talkie Toaster runs for the position of Toast President. The election is cancelled when everyone realises that slices of toast are not sentient and none of them can vote.

[flanl3]

PANARCHY:

Sequel to Sam Sara. It turns out Sam wasn’t dead, and he comes back to Red Dwarf. With the highest rank on the ship, they are effectively taken over by the pan-dildoing Sam. Since Doug doesn’t know any good pansexual stereotypes, he jist writes Sam as really camp anyways.

[Dollar Pound]

the crew all die of a radiation leak. again. the whole show so far has just been a massive preamble for a story about a family of weevils

[flanl3]

MOONED:

Lister comes crashing into Rimmer’s snowy backside. He has to eat ‘dog food’ and his guitar, the model soldiers, and Rimmer’s chest all get involved.

[cwickham]

Red Dwarf XII II (Parts One, Two and Three): Kryten is ineligible to run for re-election as Machine President due to term limits, so an open primary is held for his party’s candidate. The primary is won by a version of Donald Trump who has been cured of evil, only for it to turn out that he is actually the real Donald Trump, who has come to the future via a time wave. Rimmer decides to skip to a parallel universe where Donald Trump has never sought any elected office of any kind, only to be turned into an invisible mechanoid.

[Rubber]

‘TwinTikka’

Lister, who loves curry, runs out of curry supplies and asks Kryten if he can locate some. Kryten nips across to the girly parallel universe, butchers Jim and Bexley, returns with their corpses and curries them. Lister loves curry. Just before Lister tucks in, he asks Kryten what the curry is made from, and Kryten is completely honest, but despite feeling a little guilty Lister eats his curried sons anyway – he just loves curry THAT much! Lister loves curry. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat can’t solve the final crossword clue.

[Rubber]

All the holograms on the Holoship Enlightenment start reporting their crewmates for coercing them into having inappropriate sexual contact during the early 90s by applying the pressure of ‘ship regulations’ and ‘good etiquette’. Reputations are ruined and careers are quite rightly destroyed. Back on Red Dwarf, Kryten tries to grow a moustache.

[Rubber]

(‘Spaceyship’)

[bloodteller]

OUR OBOROS: The crew find a woman known as Oboro in stasis. She was the granddaughter of Ogen and therefore the rightful princess of the Iga Tsubagakure clan. She was engaged to Gennosuke Kouga and was one of the ten ninja picked by her grandmother to represent Iga in the battle against the Kouga. After the death of her grandmother Ogen, Oboro ascends to take leadership of the clan, but due to her passive demeanor soon finds her authority usurped by Tenzen Yakushiji. She is considered a poor leader to the Iga clan.

[Dollar Pound]

BACK TO REALTY

kryten decides to pack it in and go back to flogging condos

[cwickham]

Mechxit: Kryten holds an ill-advised referendum on whether Red Dwarf should remain a part of the Jupiter Mining Corporation or leave the JMC, then fucks off when he loses.

[Dollar Pound]

PSARONGS

all sarongs get all over starbug’s windscreen so they can’t see shit. cat just stands up and goes ‘fuck this this is bollucks’ and walks out.

[Ben Saunders]

Rimmer tries to convince everybody that the latest episode of their favorite TV show was, in fact, shite, despite everybody else loving it. They all think he’s a boring old sod but he believes his arguments to be foolproof. The episode lasts two weeks.

[flanl3]

BACKWORDS:

In the backwards universe, the crew stumble across a spelling bee and contemplate the purpose of such a competition in such a universe, if you just start with one person and anybody who feels like it just runs on stage, but then they Rimmer and Kryten get on stage as soon as they see that nosmailliW bocaJ is competing. Meanwhile, Cat suddenly doesn’t know how to spell a single word, so Lister has to teach him.

[Ben Saunders]

Who is Jacob Williamson?

[Dave]

Tanks For The Memory

Kryten suddenly wakes in a cold sweat and feels intensely embarrassed as he remembers that awful bit from Series VII where he used military equipment to blow up Jane Austen world, or whatever the fuck it was.

[Dave]

Tranqs For The Memory

In order to subdue the distressed Kryten, the crew tranquillises him. But due to Rimmer accidentally over-estimating the dose by a factor of 100, Kryten is left effectively lobotomised. For ever.

[Dave]

Trank For The Memory

To distract themselves from the shame of breaking Kryten’s mind, the crew decide to watch the new rebooted Fantastic Four movie. Imagine their disappointment when they see what a crock of shit it was.

[Dave]

Hanks For The Memory

Everyone in the crew renames themself Henry. For some reason. To paper over the weaknesses in the script, there are several needless callbacks to ‘the Om song’.

[Dave]

Banks For The Memory

When Lister decides to put his art school training to good use by becoming an enigmatic guerilla artist whose graffiti-based works are not as funny, clever or original as he thinks they are, no-one in the crew has got the heart to tell him that it’s all a bit juvenile and shit.

[Author]

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