Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[clem]

HERE NO EVEL KNIEVEL

The crew discover a research facility where clones of various celebrities and historical figures have been kept in stasis. The eponymous motorcycle stunt performer is not among them.

[Rubber]

‘Cumille’

A day in the degrading life of Red Dwarf’s downtrodden Pleasure GELF as various men ejaculate over her. Meanwhile, Rimmer bets Lister $£20 that he can’t go a whole day without saying smeg.

[Rubber]

‘Queerantine’

The Dwarfers stumble across a concentration camp for homosexual males. None of them really know how to act around these noble, different, waspish, tragic men, but ‘awkwardly’ is a good start. Meanwhile, Kochanski’s turned bridezilla – but who’s the groom?

[bloodteller]

IRAQ IN THE RED- The crew discover the entire Republic of Iraq hidden away on Floor 13. it has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again. Lister ponders if it would’ve been better to not just haphazardly shoehorn ideas in in such a way.

[bloodteller]

THE INQUISITOR- lister is stopped in the street by a man who asks him a series of questions. he says he is conducting a “quick survey” that will “only take 5 minutes”

three weeks pass. lister is beginning to get restless.

[flanl3]

TWO TIMES IN AS MANY MINUTES:

I renominate this thread for hall of fame status. Now, I know that something can only be in the hall of fame once, but it seemed so important that it was worth mentioning twice.

[Dave]

FUTURE ECCLES

The crew stumble across a time portal that sends them to a small town in greater Manchester in the year 2374. Where criticism is banned.

[Dave]

DUCT POOP

Someone has done a shit in the service tunnels, but who? Kryten has a ‘best guess’, but will anyone believe him? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s removal of all the bog roll means that everyone discovers what shirt tails are for.

[Dave]

STROKE ME A FLIPPER

When Kryten declares his secret lifelong dream to swim with dolphins, the rest of the crew decide it’s up to them to make it happen. But the series 4000 isn’t waterproof is it? Luckily Ace Rimmer arrives to save the day just before Kryten dies in a rusting waterlogged mess.

[Rubber]

‘Babyswap’

Kochanski’s newborn suffers cot death while she’s looking for some cream cheese. Driven mad with grief, she swaps the baby’s corpse with a Skutter and pretends everything is normal. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat bond over fascist fashion.

[cwickham]

Hologrammica: The crew are kidnapped by the World Hologram Organisation Rebel Ensemble, who turn Kryten, Cat and Lister into holograms. They don’t give Rimmer a new life of luxury because he’s such a twat.

[Rubber]

‘The Inquisitart’

The crew encounter a space prostitute and start regularly using her to ease their sexual frustrations until she forces them to examine their disposable attitudes towards the opposite sex and then stare at their blank, dead-eyed reflections after each sexual act. She tries to wipe their semen from history but Kryten’s oily mix proves somewhat difficult to shift. Meanwhile, Holly’s using again.

[Pete Part Three]

Quarrytime

The crew go to a quarry in England in the 21st century and remark how much more realistic it looks than Planet Rimmer. Meanwhile, Lister’s attempts at DIY go comically awry.

[Rubber]

‘Gonorrhoea Of The Apocalypse’

Three episodes after Nirvanah Crane tells Rimmer that, as holograms, they’re not at risk of disease, Rimmer picks up a virus from another hologram. Nirvanah subsequently gets in touch to casually suggest that he might want to get himself checked out. ‘They’re all floppy-titted bitches,’ says Cat, helpfully. Meanwhile, things are getting a little fraught at Kochanski’s book club!

[Pete Part Three]

TerrorNorm

Red Dwarf is haunted by the banshee moans of a former crew member.

[Rubber]

‘Feature Echoes’

The Dwarfers log in to their favourite fansite to find that the articles are getting a little repetitive. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kochanski start rival choirs. Guest starring Gareth Malone.

[clem]

FUTURE GECKOS

The crew visit an alternate dimension where Frankenstein was a gecko, and warlike lizard people have taken over Red Dwarf. But not all of them are bad guys. Meanwhile Kochanski’s scratchcard addiction is getting out of hand. Guest starring Vas Blackwood as Glen.

[Rubber]

‘Tight Hole’

Lister pesters Kochanski for anal sex, but will she turn the tables on him? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s belief system is severely challenged when he realises God is made up. Guest starring Martin Clunes as Voice of the Strap-On.

[bloodteller]

FUTURAMA ECHOES- The crew sees visions of a show that has a similar premise to theirs. Rimmer tries to start an argument about which show is better, but everybody tells him to fuck off.

[flanl3]

SNACKONIA:

The crew get picked up by the Snack Machine United Team, who immediately arrest them and turn them into snack dispensers for having kept Snacky off-screen for the last fifteen episodes. Meanwhile, Snacky gets treated to a life of luxury where he never has to run out of pretzels, but he becomes increasingly annoyed with the SMUT for not letting him practice his new hobbies because they are ‘unfit for an organism of such high class.’ Also, Rimmer in his snack machine form starts growing endless breasts.

[Dave]

LIVERPUDLIA (aka The One Where Everyone’s Lister)

When a malfunction in Red Dwarf’s hologram personality files accidentally transmits Lister’s brainwaves to everyone in the crew, they all end up EATING LOTS OF CURRY and PLAYING THE GUITAR BADLY and SAYING SMEG until the episode ends 26 minutes later.

[flanl3]

LIVERPUDLIA (aka The One Where Everyone’s Lister)

TOWEL.

[cwickham]

Catica: Rimmer, Kryten and Lister are all turned into cat people. It has no discernible shift in the status quo whatsoever except for the fact that they all have to wear prosthetic fangs for the rest of the series and beyond.

[Dave]

HOLLYSHIP

When a mysterious new ship suddenly appears next to Red Dwarf, our four heroes are bemused to find that it is staffed exclusively by disembodied heads on TV screens. They quickly reboot Holly, who immediately falls in love with one of the new ship’s crew and expresses a desire to join them. But they don’t want him because he’s shit. Meanwhile, Cat has lost his trousers.

[cwickham]

Taiwanicaocracy: All of the crew are turned into Taiwan Tony, then have an election to decide whose accent is the most racist.

[clem]

SIDEWAYS

Award-winning episode in which Lister and Rimmer take a road trip on a version of Earth where time runs sideways.

[cwickham]

Forwards: The Dwarfers land on a version of Earth where time runs the correct way. The later DVD special feature, “Forwards Backwards”, is widely criticised for being completely pointless.

[Dollar Pound]

PETE: BAHT THAI

[Pete Part Three]

Formica

Lister, Rimmer and the Cat are turned into Formica tables. Fortunately, Lister uses his expert knowledge to get them out of this pickle. Meanwhile, Talkie Toaster receives an invitation to a school reunion.

[cwickham]

Kochansika: The crew are all turned into versions of Kochanski. The episode abruptly ends 15 minutes in when Doug realises it’s basically the same as Parallel Universe, and the rest of the timeslot is taken up with a secretly filmed video of Norman Lovett on the toilet.

[Pete Part Three]

Grope Me A Pippa

Ace Rimmer travels to this dimension and becomes obsessed with Pippa Middleton. Can he control his busy hands?

[Dollar Pound]

PETE: BAHT THAI

i wanted to do something with taiwan but got mixed up with thailand

[Dollar Pound]

THE YEN

pete buys some noodles from taiwan tony and it costs 2 yen. the next day he buys the same noodles for 1 yen. tony gets annoyed and pete explains that it’s exchange rate fluctuations. tony says ‘flucktueuropeans as well, then’

[Rubber]

‘Ripperworld’

Rimmer gets stranded on a planet for 600 years and creates a load of clones of himself who go about slaughtering all the local prostitutes. Meanwhile, that video Pree made in college comes back to haunt her. Guest starring Celia Imrie and Susie Blake as Trixie and Goggins.

[Hamish]

“Pete Part Three”

Guest staring Pete Martin.

[Pete Part Three]

Waiting For Rob

It’s April Fool’s Day and Red Dwarf XIII is in pre-production. Ganymede and Titan publish a news story which is taken seriously by several Red Dwarf fans who gather outside the Grant Naylor offices In anticipation.

[bloodteller]

BACKWOODS- The crew are teleported into a forest. Cat begins to eat branches and moss, until Lister tells him to stop.

[bloodteller]

PURR-ALLEL MEWNIVERSE: The crew get transported to a universe where they are all cats. except Cat, who is a fish for some reason and not a human as you may have expected.

[si]

I’d just like to say that most of these posts are very silly and clever.
BUT. There have been a few episode outlines on here that I’ve found a bit uncomfortable and in poor taste. Just saying.

Sorry, carry on.

[Rubber]

Well now I don’t know HOW to pitch it.

[flanl3]

I’d just like to say that most of these posts are very silly and clever.

BUT. There have been a few episode outlines on here that I’ve found a bit uncomfortable and in poor taste. Just saying.

Sorry, carry on.

If these were perhaps my Sam Murray ones, I was attempting to replicate the poor taste of Timewave. I’m sorry if I wasn’t as competent with that as I could have been. And if it was many of my other posts, sorry about them as well, probably something similar.

[bloodteller]

i think most of mine were pretty clean

[bloodteller]

Dollar Pound’s ones were the funniest, i think

[flanl3]

TAIWANTICA:

The crew visit an alternate 20th century Taiwan where accents are illegal.

[Rubber]

‘Teacup To Ride’

The Dwarfers go to the fairground and ride the teacups. Meanwhile, Dr McLaren’s kill list is growing longer by the day.

[bloodteller]

ARMITAGE SHANKS FOR THE MEMORY: lister gives rimmer the memory of every shit he’s ever taken. the rest of the episode is just rimmer sobbing inside a cupboard

[bloodteller]

TIKKA TOO WIDE: lister orders a curry so big that he can’t eat it all so he just bathes in it instead

[Dollar Pound]

THE BEST DAY

it’s a thursday and the crew help kryten with the laundry and then watch tv. meanwhile hogey the roguey is in a different part of the ship and somehow gets both his feet stuck in buckets and is screaming blue bloody murder because also he’s got bits of tape stuck to his hands that he’s too irritated to detach properly and so he just keeps violently flicking his hands which doesn’t work whilst simultaneously trying to get the buckets off just with his feet

[Dollar Pound]

FUCT SUIT

kryten shrinks one of cat’s suits because cat changes the settings when kryten isn’t looking which is kryten’s fault. cat is so angry he takes revenge. the next night when kryten’s doing the laundry, he sneaks in and changes the settings and fucks up all his other suits

[Rubber]

‘Oooh, Rob! Whore Us!’

Chris, Chloe and Norman approach Rob Grant and ask him to act as their pimp. Rob is only interested if they can get lean, sexy Danny on board, but he’s got regular work on Death In Paradise and doesn’t need the money. Meanwhile, Lister can’t get a golf club membership.

[Author]

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