Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

STRIKE A LIGHT, IT’S GORDON

On the set of The Last Day, a young and nervous Gordon Kennedy breaks wind profusely, creating a stench that can only be eliminated by lighting a match. This leads to an insulting catchphrase among cast and crew whenever the guest actor walks into a room.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-NINE

Kryten, Lister, Cat and Kochanski are trapped in the middle of Starbug’s ducts.

From where they are, there are 4 passageways, one going north, one south, one east and one west. 25 metres down each of these passageways is another 4-way intersection (also going north, south, east and west). 25 metres down each of those passageways is another 4-way intersection, and 25 metres down those passageways is another 4-way intersection, with passages going 25 metres in each direction.

Each passageway’s cross-section is a square, 3 metres tall and 3 metres wide. Assume that 25 metres is the exact distance between the centres of each intersection, and each intersection is a 3-metre by 3-metre square.

When the ductways get backwashed, how much water (in cubic metres) will be required to fill them to the ceiling?

[Dave]

FLAMING TIME!

In an attempt to take ownership of his windbreaking reputation, Gordon Kennedy begins ostentatiously lighting his own farts when they occur, much to the disgust of the Red Dwarf cast and crew.

[Dave]

WHERE DO ALL THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS GO?

After a rogue Gordon Kennedy blow-off accidentally sets alight to a portion of the Last Day set , GNP begin to lose patience with the methane-addled actor’s antics as they struggle to repair the fart-flambéed backdrop and insulate it against another bout of inadvertent arse-arson.

[Dave]

THE AGHAST DAY

Disgusted by ‘Gassy’ Gordon Kennedy’s inflammable anal antics, Rob and Doug decided to rewrite the ending of the final Series III episode so that the new droid doesn’t replace Kryten permanently after all.

Robert Llewellyn rejoices as his new Series IV contract is signed, and hurriedly disposes of the secret stash of beans, sprouts and cauliflower that he has been secretly hiding in Kennedy’s meals at the staff canteen.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY

The Observation Dome is mounted to Red Dwarf’s exterior on a pole which is 13 cm in diameter and a perfect cylinder.  If one end of a 2300 cm long string is attached to the top of the pole, and wraps around the pole exactly 16 times before ending at the bottom of the pole, how tall is the pole to the nearest centimetre?

[Dave]

BACCALAUREATE IN THE RED

Lister finally applies himself to studying and gets a qualification.

[Dave]

BACCY IN THE RED

Lister stops smoking for quite a while, but is back on them now.

[Dave]

BICCIE IN THE RED

Lister gets addicted to Hobnobs.

[Warbodog]

BETTER A LOAD OF SHIT THAN RED

Rolling Stone ranks Torchwood 22 places higher than Red Dwarf in a countdown of the 50 best science fiction TV shows of all time.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-ONE

Lister and Talkie Toaster are trapped in the garbage hold with nothing but a pack of cards. Lister comes up with a game: he draws a card from the top of the deck, and Talkie has to guess whether the next card will be higher or lower (aces are wild). For the first correct guess, Lister agrees to eat one piece of toast; for a second consecutive correct guess, two pieces of toast; three in a row correct is four pieces of toast; four correct is seven pieces of toast; and five correct is twelve pieces of toast.

If Talkie Toaster makes it through the entire deck of cards without guessing incorrectly once, how many pieces of toast will Lister have to eat?

[si]

SMACK FROM THE FRED

Wilma’s husband overhears Lister and Cat discussing his missus and takes action.

[Jenuall]

CACK IN THE BED

Still upset by what happened to him on Backwards world Cat develops the bad habit of shitting in his own bed

[Dave]

MAC IN INSTEAD

Chris Barrie is distressed when Doug Naylor drops Rimmer from Red Dwarf XIV in favour of a hologram of Captain Hollister.

[Warbodog]

WACCY BACC IN THE RED

Jaaaaaaam-style remix of the series VIII trilogy targeting potheads. As well as being slowed down so they can understand it, there are overdubs such as Cat’s heartbeat now being a reggae rhythm, ‘the Dibbley Family’ becoming ‘the Doobie Family’, etc.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO

Lister and Rimmer play an extra-long, high-scoring game of Subbuteo. If 6 of the goals scored by Rimmer were instead scored by Lister, the game would have been tied. But if 6 of the goals scored by Lister were instead scored by Rimmer, Rimmer would have 4 times as many goals as Lister. How many goals did Rimmer score in this game?

[Warbodog]

SMACK IN THE RED

Remix of the series VIII trilogy targeting smackheads, based entirely on an understanding of their culture from the film Trainspotting.

[Dave]

BLU-TAC IN THE RED

Remix of the Series VIII trilogy with Series I bunkroom scenes randomly interspersed throughout.

[Warbodog]

JACK-IN-THE-RED

Red Dwarf’s scoop turns out to be the crown of a scary doll, which belatedly springs out and guides their way like a creepy figurehead for the remainder of the run.

[Warbodog]

JACK OFF THE RED

A giant red teenager robot mistakes Red Dwarf for its penis that went missing after he masturbated too furiously. (“We’re getting some buffeting!”) The guys ejaculate free in Starbug.

[Warbodog]

ANALARCHY

Low on supplies and morale after abandoning ship, the Starbuggers detect signs of Red Dwarf coming from a planetoid. It turns out to be the moon shaped like Felicity Kendal’s bottom, where they find the limp rouge one wedged tightly in a crater.

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO

Lister and Rimmer play an extra-long, high-scoring game of Subbuteo. If 6 of the goals scored by Rimmer were instead scored by Lister, the game would have been tied. But if 6 of the goals scored by Lister were instead scored by Rimmer, Rimmer would have 4 times as many goals as Lister. How many goals did Rimmer score in this game?

Rimmer scored 26 goals (and Lister scored 14).

[cwickham]

ANSWERS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO

cwickham wants to acknowledge someone getting the right answer but can’t think of a way to do so that really counts as an idea for an episode

[Jenuall]

CRACK IN THE RED

Doug Naylor regrets extending an offer to the cast to contribute episode scripts for series VIII when Craig Charles hands in his first draft

[Dave]

FNAC IN THE RED

Lister opens a branch of the popular French media/electronics chain on Red Dwarf.

[Dave]

LACKIN’ THE BED

Designers realise too late that the new Series XIV bunkroom set features a very important omission.

[Dave]

SMACKIN’ THE DEAD

Deb Lister discovers that holograms can touch when Arlene Rimmer slaps her male counterpart on the arse.

[Jenuall]

PACKING THE BREAD

As well as making sure that the nappy sacks are safely stowed for their family trip in Better Than Life Rimmer also needs to make sure that he’s brought the bread for the picnic.

[Jenuall]

SMACK ON THE HEAD

Early alternate title for Justice that was changed when Rob and Doug realised it gave away the final punchline

[Jenuall]

BACK ON THE PED!

Cat gets angry at Lister for stopping pedalling when he’s trying to fry his egg with a bicycle powered hair dryer

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE

For Kryten’s latest experiment, he is decanting astro fuel into a flask. The flask is the shape of a pentagonal pyramid: the base is a regular pentagon, 15cm to a side, and the height of the “pyramid” is 32cm. Assume these measurements are for the interior of the bottle.

Assume the flow of liquid into the flask starts at zero and increases at a rate of 1 millilitre per second per second. How many seconds will it take to completely fill the flask? Please round to the nearest whole number.

[Dave]

HIJACKIN’ THE THREAD

Forum posters ponder how a shitposting thread about Red Dwarf episode ideas has become home to a sub-strand about maths brain-teasers.

[Dave]

CRACK IN THE SHED

Craig hides his stash.

[Dave]

FRACKIN’ THE MED

The JMC starts a new initiative of underground drilling in southern Europe.

[si]

SMACKIN’ THE FRED

Lister and Cat fight back against Wilma’s husband.

[Dave]

JACK IN THE RED

Sequel to Tikka To Ride in which JFK is revived on board Red Dwarf and almost immediately goes missing, only to be found having sex with the robot Marilyn Monroe from The Last Day who still roams Red Dwarf’s corridors along with other never-officially-killed-off characters like Snacky and the second Polymorph.

[Dave]

RED DWARF: Z-DECK

Spinoff sitcom featuring a secondary crew of misfit guest characters who still live in the bowels of Red Dwarf. Episode 1: the Marilyn Monroe robot is cooking dinner for Snacky’s boss, but will the second Polymorph ruin things and cost him his promotion?

[Pete Part Three]

ATTACKING THE THREAD

A forum regular wonders how many posts in the “Idea for an Episode” thread are simply meta-critiques of the subpar quality of the thread itself.

[Warbodog]

BACK IN THE CYAN

New grading of the series VIII trilogy designed to be watched in sync with the standard version on adjacent televisions, creating a special 3D version when you relax your eyes to the point where the images overlap and hold that for 90 minutes.

[Dave]

BASHIN’ THE THREAD

Regular contributors to the Idea For An Episode thread insist that their criticism is meant affectionately.

[Dave]

BASHIR THE RED

Martin Bashir becomes embarrassed when all of his underhanded journalistic techniques are exposed.

[Dave]

BOSTON DOYLES THE RAD

Rimmer admires the Boston Doyles and wishes that he was related to them in real life.

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE

For Kryten’s latest experiment, he is decanting astro fuel into a flask. The flask is the shape of a pentagonal pyramid: the base is a regular pentagon, 15cm to a side, and the height of the “pyramid” is 32cm. Assume these measurements are for the interior of the bottle.
Assume the flow of liquid into the flask starts at zero and increases at a rate of 1 millilitre per second per second. How many seconds will it take to completely fill the flask? Please round to the nearest whole number.

90 seconds (or 91, if we’re counting the second where no liquid is flowing).

A Maths in the Red that needs you to know the volume of a pentagonal pyramid, the sum of the n+1 series, and the quadratic formula? Good shit.

[cwickham]

ANSWERS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE

cwickham is very pleased someone got that one right + praised the question to boot

[Pete Part Three]

TRACK INTEGER THREAD

A forum regular is so excited to tell people that there are 12345 “Ideas for an Episode”, that he posts a further comment thus wiping the temporary landmark.

[Warbodog]

MAD LADS IN THE RED

Cat makes a shaky video of Lister trying to balance on a rail and falling off, the absolute nutcase!

[Jenuall]

MADS IN THE RED

Remake of Back in the Red where instead of recreating all of the original crew the nanites have created a ship where everyone is Mads Mikkelsen for some reason

[Flap Jack]

DEAR TIMEWAVE

Lister becomes troubled when he suddenly stops receiving correspondence from Ziggy Briceman and all his other friends on board the Enconium, so they take Starbug for a visit to figure out what happened. When they arrive they discover that the ship has fallen victim to the sibling of the Despair and Joy Squids, the Laziness Squid.

[cwickham]

HOW CAN YOU MANAGE TO MISS THE FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY?

Everyone realises they missed the five-year anniversary of the idea for an episode thread starting, and all the truly brilliant opportunities for puns based around the number five as a result.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FIVE WHOLE YEARS? ARE SOME OF THEM ILLUMINATED

Rimmer is excited to discover his favourite internet forum thread is half a decade old and wants to hear more.

[Author]

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