Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

Fuck my tortured poets’ department we’re on the two hundred and sixty-fifth page

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR

Lister finds Rimmer’s secret directions for where he’s hidden the crew’s personality disks, which read as follows:

– Lister and Rimmer’s sleeping quarters are fifty paces from the Observation Dome.

– The Observation Dome is sixty-five paces from the captain’s office.

– The captain’s office is twenty paces from the disco.

– The personality disks, Lister and Rimmer’s sleeping quarters, and the captain’s office all fall in a straight line. The personality disks are hidden exactly forty-five paces from the Observation Dome.

Lister follows these instructions to the letter, but finds nothing. Given the instructions were entirely accurate and Lister made no mistakes, why didn’t he find the personality disks?

[Warbodog]

MUM

Lost episode of Series VII. New father Lister becomes intensely jealous of his young self getting a go on his (own) mum’s breasts, while Kryten finds Kochanski’s gratuitous flashing enraging. They jointly focus on trying to wean the infant onto solids as quickly as possible so Lister can abandon it in the past. It doesn’t like baby food, but then Lister swaps it for a vindaloo and the baby loves it!!!

[Ian Symes]

Given the instructions were entirely accurate and Lister made no mistakes, why didn’t he find the personality disks?

He couldn’t be arsed.

[cwickham]

Once again better than the real answer

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR

I’m going to say that Lister gets it wrong because there are 2 locations that are both 45 paces away from the observation dome and lie in the straight line between the sleeping quarters and the Captain’s office – one location closer to the sleeping quarters and one location closer to the Captain’s office. Lister picks one when it’s actually the other.

Also, this reminded me that I have a bad habit on this forum – if there have been many new replies on a thread since I last saw it, and some but not all of them are on a new page, I completely fail to notice that there’s been a new page at all. I wonder if others do this.

[Dave]

Also, this reminded me that I have a bad habit on this forum – if there have been many new replies on a thread since I last saw it, and some but not all of them are on a new page, I completely fail to notice that there’s been a new page at all. I wonder if others do this.

Particularly damning for this thread, which is 95% shitposting to try and roll the thread over to a new page.

[cwickham]

FUCKUP IN THE MATHS

cwickham belatedly realises he completely fucked up the question, the last line should have read the sleeping quarters and not the disco, but effectively yes, if I’d done it correctly you can draw a triangle where the three points represent the sleeping quarters, the captain’s office and the Observation Dome, and from that you then extend the line representing the distance between the sleeping quarters and the captain’s office (since the personality disks are along it). Stick a pair of compasses in the point representing the Observation Dome and draw an arc (using the scale 1 pace = 1mm), and the arc will cut the line in two places, both of which match the directions and hence either could be where the personality disks are.

[Flap Jack]

Ah ha, I thought the point about the disco was an intentional red herring! Lucky you asked why Lister got the wrong location, and not how many paces away from the sleeping quarters the personality disks are hidden. It isn’t even a plot hole, because obviously Lister is actually on the ship and doesn’t need Rimmer’s instructions to know how far apart the sleeping quarters and the Captain’s office are.

I did spend quite a while thinking about the nature of the observation dome as somewhere you can really only climb to, and how it can’t be on the same level as the other locations. In the end I decided that either “observation dome” meant the place where you can start to go up to the observation dome rather than the dome itself, or “pace” was just a unit of distance rather than a literal step taken. Perhaps making it the disco instead of the observation dome would have made things clearer.

[Dave]

MATHS IN THE RED, PART 4,691

If a new Red Dwarf special is 90 minutes long, how many 30-minute episodes is that equivalent to?

[cwickham]

HIT ME SOFT LIGHT AND HARD LIGHT

Billie Eilish album about being a hologram.

[cwickham]

BLUE

Billie Eilish releases her cover of the Munchkin Song.

[Flap Jack]

BLUE

Billie Eilish releases her cover of the Munchkin Song.

# She’s Billie, Billie, Billie Eilish

# Her outfits are all oh so stylish

# When she buys gifts she’d never stoop to try Wish

# She plays flute and her name isn’t Irish

[cwickham]

YOU LOOK LIKE CAPTAIN EMERALD

Taylor Swift lyric about swapping bodies.

[cwickham]

IT’S COL OUTSIDE

Colin Sell gets locked out of the theatre before a recording of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue.

[Nick R]

THERE’S NO KIND OF ATMOS FEAR

Lister and Cat decide to watch some horror movies, but the surround sound system doesn’t work.

(Yes I was going to base my pun on the video board game, but Warbodog beat me to it by three years.)

[cwickham]

THE XAST DAY

G&T’s Twitter account learns it is to be shut down by a droid who has been driven insane by being the world’s biggest twat for 52 years.

[Dave]

RED DWARF X

Formerly known as the Red Dwarf Twitter account. 

[cwickham]

RE-ELECTION PROSPECTS: ZERO

Kryten takes Rishi Sunak’s advice on winning another term as Machine President.

[Formica]

PASTE MY GLUE WE’RE ON PAGE TWO

After months of withering neglect, the boys find that the Idea for an Episode thread has fallen all the way to the second page on the list of threads. Working together, can they get it back to the front and save the day? Or Talkie Toaster has fallen all the way to the second garbage hold if you want the idea to be a real RD plot idea I fucking suppose

[Formica]

THANKS FOR THE GIZMEMORY

As a birthday present, Lister gives Rimmer the implanted memory of writing a rock album entirely on toy instruments.

[Formica]

WAITING FOR GIZMODGERY

Lister discovers that, in the cat bible, it is prophesied that he will one day return to write a rock album entirely on toy instruments.

[Formica]

GIZMODGANTINE

Rimmer locks the other three in a room until they write a rock album entirely on toy instruments. The boys accidentally inject the album with sexual magnetism virus and fuck the CD

[Formica]

GIZ ME A MODGER

In an alternate dimension where Rimmer is a member of the band sElf, he gets shot. Before he dies, he has to recruit our Rimmer to join the band and help them write a rock album entirely on toy instruments.

[Formica]

GIZMODGRA

Lister can’t believe his luck when a future-telling computer tells him that he will one day quite enjoy listening to a rock album written entirely on toy instruments.

[Formica]

GIZMOCRACY

After Lister accidentally downloads a virus on to Red Dwarf’s hard drive, the crew are forced to abandon ship. When the vending machines discover they are to be left behind, they band together to defeat the virus, but with the emergency over they go on strike in protest at their treatment. Both Kryten and Rimmer think they can solve the dispute, so an election is called to determine which of them will become Machine President, with Lister and Cat as their respective running mates. After an ill-tempered campaign, the results are neck-and-neck, so Lister reboots Talkie Toaster to cast the deciding vote. Kryten wins the election, the machines return to work, and Rimmer is locked in a room with Talkie.

[Dave]

I MEAN, YOU’RE DEAD BUT YOU’RE NOT ‘DEAD’ DEAD

When the Idea For An Episode thread roars back to life, G&T lets out a collective groan of resignation. 

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

RED DWARF DEMASTERED

Doug puts Red Dwarf episodes onto an electric tooth brush

[Ian Symes]

That was a lovely five months we just had.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE

Lister has a perfectly ordinary chessboard and puts one pennycent on the first square. He then puts two pennycents on the second square, four pennycents on the third, eight pennycents on the fourth, and so on and so forth. How many pennycents will there be on the chessboard in total?

[Ian Symes]

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE

240.

Assuming of course that the sequence cycles back to 1 after 8.

This is the only reasonable assumption, because the chessboard is perfectly ordinary, which means it couldn’t possibly hold the number of pennycents that would be placed on it if the number doubled every time, nor could Lister possibly have that amount of currency to begin with.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE
240.
Assuming of course that the sequence cycles back to 1 after 8.
This is the only reasonable assumption, because the chessboard is perfectly ordinary, which means it couldn’t possibly hold the number of pennycents that would be placed on it if the number doubled every time, nor could Lister possibly have that amount of currency to begin with.

You don’t know the size or weight of a pennycent 

perhaps it’s all digital currency and the chess square is a perfectly ordinary 24th century OLED board and each square is just displaying a number 

[Formica]

SUCK-CONE-IA

The crew become concerned for Lister when they catch him simulating oral sex on a traffic cone. They take him to meet DILF (Devices for traffIc which Lister has Fucked), a support group for all the traffic control items Lister has sucked silly. They put him into the body of a stop sign and suck him off to make their point I guess

[cwickham]

Sorry Ian, my plan to immediately kill the thread again by posting another Maths in the Red seems to have backfired

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Maybe we could try the Bret Easton Ellis method and write an idea for an episode where we finally kill the thread for good.

[Formica]

Maybe we could try the Bret Easton Ellis method and write an idea for an episode where we finally kill the thread for good.

The fatal flaw here is that these are only ideas for episodes, so you’d have to wait for the episode to actually be produced to get that outcome.

[Ian Symes]

[cwickham]

NON-MATHS-RELATED-BRAINTEASERS IN THE RED PART ONE

Choose any Red Dwarf episode title, then add another episode whose title begins with the last letter of the first title you chose – so if you chose “The End” first, you could choose “D.N.A.”, “Demons & Angels”, “Duct Soup” or “Dear Dave” as your second episode, then if you chose “Dear Dave” your third episode could be “Emohawk”, “Epideme” or “Entangled”, and so on and so forth.

What is the longest possible chain of episodes you can make without repeating episodes?

[Flap Jack]

Best I can manage is 16.

E.g. Terrorform, Marooned, Demons & Angels, Skipper, Rimmerworld, Dimension Jump, Polymorph, Holoship, Parallel Universe, Epideme, Entangled, Duct Soup, Psirens, Stasis Leak, Kryten, Nanarchy.

[Warbodog]

NON-MATHS-RELATED-BRAINTEASERS IN THE RED PART ONE
Choose any Red Dwarf episode title, then add another episode whose title begins with the last letter of the first title you chose – so if you chose “The End” first, you could choose “D.N.A.”, “Demons & Angels”, “Duct Soup” or “Dear Dave” as your second episode, then if you chose “Dear Dave” your third episode could be “Emohawk”, “Epideme” or “Entangled”, and so on and so forth.
What is the longest possible chain of episodes you can make without repeating episodes?

Also 16: Terrorform, Marooned, Duct Soup, Polymorph, Holoship, Parallel Universe, Epideme, Entangled, Dimension Jump, Psirens, Stoke me a Clipper, Rimmerworld, Demons & Angels, Stasis Leak, Krysis, Skipper

Edit: Could have just reorganised Flap Jack‘s list a bit to save myself some time.

[Formica]

MECCACRACY

When Rimmer decides to attend the Hajj, the crew must hold an election amongst themselves to determine who will be the vacation captain.

[cwickham]

WICCA TO RIDE

Lister travels back in time and causes Pagans to take over the world.

[Moonlight]

DON’T NIXON ME, MAN

Intercepting a mysterious space capsule, the Dwarfers discover the sagging, frozen corpse of America’s greatest president, Richard E. Nixon, having been lost in space after commandeering a Saturn V to avoid prosecution. Mind-swapped into Spare Head 3, Nixon teams up with Rimmer to defoliate the botanical gardens, blaming the maneuver on unseen simulants hiding in the trees. Meanwhile, Lister and The Cat have dioxin poisoning for some reason.

[Formica]

TIME³

After Lister accidentally activates second and third Rimmer holograms, the three work together to spread the truth of Time Cube to the rest of the ship.

[Flap Jack]

Please reveal whether or not Warbodog and I got NMRBITRP1 correct cwickham. I’m currently devoting 90% of my patience reserves to waiting for new Red Dwarf to happen.

[cwickham]

I’m pretty sure 16 is the maximum possible but can’t claim to have tried every possible combination

[Flap Jack]

OK, thanks. 👍

I did think that because you’d posed the question, that you must have worked out the maximum value using some kind of formula.

[sleepey]

I wrote a script to try all the combinations (& then didn’t post because I’m a chicken as well as a cheater) & yes 16 is the max for proper episodes, up to 22 if you take “any Red Dwarf episode title” to include Red Christmas, Into the Gloop, & the lost episodes (specifically Dad since it slots in anywhere there’s a D, the others don’t make a difference).

[Author]

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