Idea for an episode.

[bloodteller]

if they do get hit by a Gay Ray, then the real question is- if rimmer and lister fuck, does it count as inter-species sex? because rimmer technically isn’t a human, he’s just sort of a big bit of light

[si]

But what light.

[JamesTC]

The Hard Light basically replicates the feel of the person.

So you might say Rimmer is Flesh Light.

[Ben Saunders]

If Holly can give Rimmer Peterson’s arm, could he give him Peterson’s cock?

[International Debris]

They don’t call Rimmer HARD light for nothing you know.

[flanl3]

because rimmer technically isn’t a human, he’s just sort of a big bit of light

…and Lister’s just a small bit of heavy.

[By Jove its holmes]

the crew meet a character who is a rip off of famous serial killers like Jack the Ripper, Ed Gein, John Wayne Gacy etc.

[bloodteller]

an entire episode dedicated to explaining why in Back in the Red Part 2 rimmer is explaining what future echoes are to the captain but then in Cassandra, rimmer doesn’t know what they are anymore and has to ask somebody else about them.

[pfm]

They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

[JamesTC]

>They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

Due to budget restraints that episode has to be padded into a two-parter and now includes a subplot about Kryten’s bollocks being on the loose.

[By Jove its holmes]

Kryten finds his old Ronald Reagan mask from Backwards. Hits his head and thinks he *is* Reagan.

[clem]

Chris could do the voice.

[By Jove its holmes]

Kryten as Reagan would be like Quarantine: “My Fellow Americans, now I – WANT TO WIN INDEPENDENCE FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!”

[flanl3]

They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

Chris could do the voice.

[bloodteller]

>They all masturbate into each other’s mouths the end.

how would Kryten partake in this unless he somehow got Archie back ?

but even then, can Archie produce semen?

[JamesTC]

>can Archie produce semen?

They never ask the important questions at these Q&A sessions with Doug and the cast. Just what is your favourite episode.

[bloodteller]

lister discovers Speed, his long-lost third son

[Rubber]

‘Bunkmates’

Lister shits his bed and is forced to share the bottom bunk with Rimmer for a month while Kryten deep cleans his mattress. Initially reluctant, they discover they are the perfect spooning size and shape for each other and begin to spend their days in bed together as well as nights. This has no impact on the running of the shop but they become happier and more content. Some time later they notice they haven’t seen Cat for a long time and eventually find him dead in the bottom of a cupboard where he crawled away to die. Kryten is very homophobic about Lister and Rimmer even though they aren’t necessarily gay, just snuggle-buddy-huggy-bed-pals, but tells he doesn’t like it but will tolerate it, despite him tutting and groaning every time they interact. In the end they realise they can switch Kryten off and switch Kryten off, and bury Cat under the apple tree in the botanical gardens.

[Ridley]

Red Dwarf gains sentience then screams in pain for thirty minutes.

[clem]

Hogey and his new wife Celeste come to live on Red Dwarf. Celeste is imaginary but nobody has the heart to tell Hogey so they all just play along. Meanwhile Lister takes up decoupage.

[clem]

> This has no impact on the running of the shop

You’re gonna have to elaborate on this subplot, Rubber.

[bloodteller]

to be fair we learned in Back in the Red that the ship has a Tesco’s

[Rubber]

Oh yeah, in an earlier episode that season they open a small shop together to make the process of using up dwindling food supplies more well-regulated and fun.

[Rubber]

‘Holowe’en’

The hologram personality library is infected by a spooky ghostish computer virus after Kryten accidentally holds a seance while testing some candles, and Kryten’s body is taken over by the disembodied holo-personality of George McIntyre. Kryten/George vows to kill Lister to render Rimmer’s hologrammatic ‘mission’ obsolete so that McIntyre can reclaim his position as ship’s hologram. He also wants to kill Cat due to being severely allergic to cats. Non-specific spooky murderous hijinks ensue for a specially-extended Halloween running time of 45 minutes without adverts, although ultimately it concludes with a Welshman being purged from existence forever in quite a heartbreaking and tragic way. At the end Lister opens a cupboard and Sarah Greene staggers out looking ravaged and haunted with a shock of white hair. They all look at each other and shrug comedically, except Kryten who doesn’t have any arms any more as a result of however they got rid of McIntyre. Spooky organ music version of the theme tune at the end.

[Pete Part Three]

They all have a fight to settle the age-old question of “Who would win in a fight?”

[Manbird]

They discover a society structured around gay stereotypes where negativity is illegal.

Sorry, no – that was The Happiness Patrol. Or was it Timewave? It was bad agit-prop, anyway.

[Dollar Pound]

‘kryte-hands’: basically it’s a bottle episode which is a long shaggy dog story told by kryten about how his hands got so big which also brilliantly explains why he can’t tell the difference between a construction worker’s helmet and a cloche. the audience laughter dies out early on and he actually cries three times during the story. after the story there is just silence for ages and then lister starts to spit the names of bread products like he does with talky and a ginormous hip hop beat comes in which thunders the whole ship with talky as the dj. cat, lister and rimmer jump around and throw their hands in the air but when kryten joins in he concusses them all and the episode ends.

[Manbird]

>”‘kryte-hands’: basically it’s a bottle episode which is a long shaggy dog story told by kryten about how his hands got so big which also brilliantly explains why he can’t tell the difference between a construction worker’s helmet and a cloche. the audience laughter dies out early on and he actually cries three times during the story. after the story there is just silence for ages and then lister starts to spit the names of bread products like he does with talky and a ginormous hip hop beat comes in which thunders the whole ship with talky as the dj. cat, lister and rimmer jump around and throw their hands in the air but when kryten joins in he concusses them all and the episode ends.”<

See also that episode of The Simpsons about Mo’s dishcloth.

[Ridley]

The Dwarfers all get Furbies. It’s supposed to be a satire of consumerism but is actually just a misjudged soapbox about Funko Pop!s

[Rubber]

‘Rimplification’

It dawns on the crew that nobody is 100% certain which version of Rimmer they are currently living with and how strange it is that he can recall events from two apparently separate incarnations of himself. After much cajoling, Rimmer eventually owns up to being Camille and the others are left to contemplate the fact that a version of Rimmer who fits into multiple Rimmer timelines without upsetting continuity is the thing they all desired the most. There is a lot of soul-searching and then nobody mentions it ever again, although Kryten occasionally stands silently watching Rimmer sleeping at night and over time it becomes clear they are all imagining him in different Rimmer costumes (Lister sees the blue quilted jacket, Kryten sees the green suit and hat and Cat sees the cycling shorts and shirt from series 2) which has no impact on the storylines whatsoever but throws up lots of apparent continuity errors for fans of the show to sweat over on the internet.

[Manbird]

How about we go right back to the first series, where Lister, Rimmer and Cat are haunted by the ghosts of dead crewmembers. They decide to pool their resources and set up a paranormal investigation agency to “bust” these spooks. They become a quartet when Kryten joins them, and Hattie Hayridge’s Holly becomes their ditzy receptionist. The ship is attacked by a giant marshmallow man, later revealed to be a polymorph.

[Paul Muller]

The crew pass through a dimensional rift and discover that every room and corridor in Red Dwarf and Starbug looks out onto a packed studio audience and film crew who laugh hysterically at their every word. Kryten has a panic attack and accidentally kills an audience member with his giant hands. The studio is evacuated and we fade to black as the police arrive to take him away.

[bloodteller]

Rimmer does a TED talk about growing your personal brand

[Rubber]

‘Infanticide’

Cat is raped and has six babies. The rest of the crew encourage him to kill the babies, but he doesn’t. Then Lister kills two of the children and a little later Cat kills the rest of his kids. All six of Cat’s young children are dead. He has a sex dream.

[bloodteller]

TIMESLADES: Lister gets really into Slade but suffers from a bout of depression upon discovering that all the members have been dead for over three million years.

[Pete Part Three]

Lister gets accidentally sent back in time via a Staais leak, which opens into a bathroom where his younger self is wanking into the self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. Young Lister never gets to finish the wank, so both Listers starts to fade from existence. Old Lister has to cajole his younger self into having the wank, or else they will both will cease to be but Young Lister can’t maintain an erection with all this pressure. With Kryten’s help, they hold a school prom to get Young Lister into the the mood. At the end both Listers decide to wank each other off and Lister becomes twins. He renames himselves Jim and Bexley.

This episode is called Back to the Wanker. Or possibly Wank to the Future. Or maybe Wanks For The Memory. Something with wanking in the title anyway. Do you see?

Ps. I am wanking as I write this.

[Dollar Pound]

‘lemonslade: timeslades ii’

[Rubber]

‘Dead Dave’

Pree reinstalls herself and redirects the ship towards an asteroid where they find Kochanski living in a shack and farming beetroots. Kochanski rejoins the crew as acting senior officer and she and Pree join forces to make life as emasculating and grim as possible for their male shipmates. Eventually Kryten snaps and kills Kochanski by sitting on her chest and crushing her ladylungs. Pree flushes the crew into deep space and laughs. Cat and Lister quickly freeze to death and Rimmer and Kryten eventually crash into a sun which they see coming several weeks prior. The last 10 minutes of the episode are them mentally steeling themselves to crash into the sun and burn to machinedeath in one of those dialogue-heavy scenes Doug is so good at. It is sad and the end.

[Dollar Pound]

rubber: you’ve nearly got a series together now. all strong eps so far…

[Ridley]

Rimmer’s use of toilet paper turns out to be semaphore. It’s a routine secretly taught by his mother to let him know that she loves him really but any sentiment is lost as Rimmer rants about how the message would have been better imparted through his Morris dancing lessons then he kind of just flounces off. Kryten then explains that that means he’s going to have sex with Uncle Frank in Rimaphore.

[International Debris]

The crew encounter another industrial vessel which, like Red Dwarf, has flown away from the solar system due to an onboard accident. With nobody in stasis to release, or smuggled pets to evolve, the onboard computer has gone completely senile and ends up being completely psychotic.

Wait, where’s the ‘serious episode suggestions’ thread?

[bloodteller]

BARRYMORPH: The crew encounter a polymorph that takes the form of Michael Barrymore and everyone is forced to watch Strike It Lucky until they die of boredom

[Ben Saunders]

TROJAN: Lister is betting on live pig racing for some fucking reason (is it live or pre-recorded? If it’s pre-recorded, why is he betting on it? Who is he betting against?) and completely defies logic when he phones up a shopping channel 3,000,000 years into deep space in order to purchase a shit kitchen appliance, leaving the audience bewildered and wondering if they’d tuned into the wrong show that just so happens to have exactly the same cast and title.

[Ben Saunders]

LEMONS: The Dwarfers build an IKEA flatpack time machine and meet not-Jesus, then take some cheap and easy swipes at religion we’ve heard a hundred times before instead of doing something actually clever because fucking hell. Then there’s some shite with bags that makes me want to die. Everyone loves it and it is hailed as a classic.

[Ben Saunders]

TIMEWAVE: Doug Naylor shits directly into your mouth for twenty-seven minutes. Johnny Vegas guest stars as PC Poof.

[Dave]

Actually I thought he was quite non-PC.

[Dollar Pound]

they should do one where someone has to run back and forth between two dates. every show has to have one of them

[Hamish]

The One Where Everyone’s Butler.

[Hamish]

…from On The Buses.

[bloodteller]

PETE PART III: Kryten has accidentally turned Birdman’s sparrow into Pete Doherty, the famous actor/musician/artist/writer. it’s up to the dwarfers to listen to the Libertines

[Author]

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