Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

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  • #223849
    Dave
    Participant

    Banks For The Memory

    When Lister decides to put his art school training to good use by becoming an enigmatic guerilla artist whose graffiti-based works are not as funny, clever or original as he thinks they are, no-one in the crew has got the heart to tell him that it’s all a bit juvenile and shit.

    #223850
    bloodteller
    Participant

    WANKS FOR THE MEMORY- Lister has a really good wank while remembering that time he kissed Rimmer. He ejaculates all over the bedsheets, creating the ultimate laundry challenge for Kryten.

    #223851
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory

    Kryten stumbles on a fantastic way of restoring an amnesiac Lister’s memories when he finds a portal back to the Blade Runner cocksuck reality. He raids the sci-fi shop of Red Dwarf DVDs and shows them to Lister. Unfortunately, the Series 2 DVD is slightly scratched, so it’s up to Rimmer to recount the memory of the memory of Lise Yates.

    #223852
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory

    Kryten loses his memory of the previous episode. Lister and Rimmer fill in the blanks for him.

    #223853
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory of Thanks for the Memory

    Rimmer’s light-bee goes wrong and they need to restore his personality from a backup. Lister and Kryten explain what’s been going on recently.

    #223854
    Dave
    Participant

    Pranks For The Memory

    Rimmer decides to get one over on Lister by balancing a bucket of water on top of the door to the sleeping quarters and then waiting for him to walk in. However, after a couple of hours pass, Rimmer forgets the bucket was there, walks into the sleeping quarters himself, and… well, there are hilarious consequences, let’s just say that.

    #223855
    Dave
    Participant

    Shabba Ranks For The Memory

    When ‘Mr Loverman’ becomes the new earworm for the crew of Red Dwarf, there’s a rush to get to the memory-erasing machine and eradicate all knowledge of the eponymous artist’s oeuvre.

    #223856
    Dave
    Participant

    Uncle Franks For The Memory

    Rimmer reminisces about his first kiss again.

    #223857
    cwickham
    Participant

    Mechxit – Referendum II: Sir Vince Cable, guest-starring as himself, persuades the machines to hold a second referendum on leaving the JMC.

    #223859
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Solo Hip’

    Kryten smashes half of Lister’s pelvis and amputates the entire leg to make him completely physically dependent on him. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat can’t agree on a new pair of curtains for the Drive Room.

    #223860
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Beyond a Choke

    Lister develops an interest in erotic asphyxiation. Leading to hilarious consequences. Also death.

    #223861
    cwickham
    Participant

    Beyond a Yolk: The dinosaur egg from the end of Pete Part Two is washed up on a time wave. Reality cannot cope with this combination of two shit episodes and folds in upon itself, destroying the entire universe.

    #223862
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Beyond a Bloke

    Lister takes Kochanski for a drive in Starbug, gets lost but is too embarrassed to ask for directions. Kochanski tuts,

    #223863
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Lesion’

    After being tricked into fucking another Polymorph, Cat contracts HIV but ignores a variety of increasingly alarming symptoms for several years, eventually developing full-blown AIDS. His immune system fatally compromised, he starts showing signs of Kaposi’s Sarcoma, losing several kilos of weight and developing a large, purple skin lesion on his cheek, Meanwhile, Lister and Kochanski are giving it yet another go, but can their relationship survive Rimmer’s karaoke night at Parrot’s?

    #223864
    flanl3
    Participant

    Kochanski tuts,

    #223865
    flanl3
    Participant

    ROBYMORPH:

    Rob Grant goes around and eats all the Dave era episodes.

    #223866
    flanl3
    Participant

    TUTCHANSKI:

    Clochanski tuts, then Tutankhamun cloches.

    #223868
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Kormille’

    Desperate for a curry, even a mild one, Lister sees Camille as a chicken korma and eats her. Meanwhile, Cat gets neutered.

    #223869
    cwickham
    Participant

    Camilleocracy: An election is held to decide which form Camille should take permanently.

    #223871
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Thanks For The Mammary’

    A deranged medibot gives Kochanski a masectomy, so the crew nip back in time three days to discreetly steal her pre-op breasts from her former self. Meanwhile, Rimmer accidentally joins Grindr.

    #223872
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    DNA

    The crew travel to Russia in the 20th century where they meet the anthropologist Dmitry Nikolayevich Anuchin. Kryten accidentally stabs him 9 times so they have to take him back to Red Dwarf and replace his gall bladder or something. Leading to hilarious consequences, I’d imagine.

    #223873
    Ridley
    Participant

    Toysrus: Festive episode in which the Dwarfers take care of a baby mech who has been delivered to the wrong address.

    Or has it?

    (Yes.)

    #223874
    Ridley
    Participant

    Tabby Ranks For The Memory

    #223875
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Black In The Red’

    The mining ship Red Dwarf holds a Jamaican-Indo-Ghanian fusion banquet to welcome Dave Lister, its first ever non-white crew member. Meanwhile, Todhunter, still concealing his severe depression, makes plans to end his own life.

    #223877
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    [blockquote]Kochanski’s tits,[/blockquote]

    #223878
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    BLOCKQUOTE: Rimmer doesn’t know how to quote somebody on a popular sci-fi forum and repeatedly makes an arse of himself

    #223879
    bloodteller
    Participant

    OUT OF LIME- Lister has run out of limes for his tequila slammers, and so goes down to the shops to buy some more.

    #223880
    bloodteller
    Participant

    OUT OF PINEY SHINE- Kryten has run out of Piney Shine and so goes down to the shops to buy some more.

    #223881
    cwickham
    Participant

    OUT OF RHYME: Rimmer and Lister are forced to compete in an episode of Len Goodman’s Partners in Rhyme.

    #223883
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    GIVE AND TAKE CLOCHE:

    the crew’s thoughtless regifting leads to kryten recieving the cloche he gave to lister on his birthday as a christmas present from rimmer. kryten is obviously really upset, insisting he is fine but unable to meet anyone’s eye even for a moment

    THANKS FOR THE MELON TREE:

    they all chip in to buy the sod a melon tree and hope he gets over it

    #223884
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    OUT OF CHARACTER

    cat starts having a go at everyone’s hypothetical wife

    #223885
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘McAnnoyed’

    Kochanski is fuckin furious that nobody believes she comes from Glasgow anymore. Meanwhile, will Kryten remember the correct placing of cutlery when laying the table before Rimmer’s birthday banquet?

    #223886

    This thread has doubled in size since yesterday.

    #223888
    flanl3
    Participant

    ‘Thanks For The Mammary’

    A deranged medibot gives Kochanski a masectomy, so the crew nip back in time three days to discreetly steal her pre-op breasts from her former self. Meanwhile, Rimmer accidentally joins Grindr.

    so the crew nip back in time

    nip

    #223889
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    The altercation with our future episode ideas caused dimensional anomalies which have expanded this thread by 212%

    #223890
    Ben Saunders
    Participant

    SLASH: Rimmer accidentally joins Grindr, to find that the only other remaining active member of the app is… Dave Lister

    #223891
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    BICWARDS

    bottle episode. rimmer loses his pen

    #223892
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    BACK WARD

    he slips over the pen and does his back in

    #223893
    flanl3
    Participant

    15:

    Rimmer joins the pen club and finds out that he is the fifteenth member.

    #223894
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Maroon’

    The crew disagree over the precise hue of their spaceship.

    #223895
    flanl3
    Participant

    M-CORPSE:

    The crew end up all in hiding and tracking each other around the ship attempting to murder each other over whether M-Corp has anything to do with the Mega Corps from Samsara.

    #223896
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘D ‘n’ A’

    Dave and Arnold are colleagues with a mutual dislike of the other’s habits and characteristics, but underpinned by a strange affection borne of familiarity and shared experience. Are they friends or are they enemies? They’re frenemies! Meanwhile, Kryten can’t believe there’s human faeces in Sparehead Two’s mouth again.

    #223897
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Silly Cone-y Her’

    The main female mechanoid on the MILF ship has Camillesque breast implants. Meanwhile, Cat likes fish.

    #223898
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Silly Cone Ear’

    The new Kryten mask is really fucking terrible. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Lister have some fun working out derogatory acrostics based on the names of the rest of the crew.

    #223899
    bloodteller
    Participant

    FATHERS AND GUNS- Lister nicks Rimmer’s duelling pistols and attempts a mexican standoff with his dad. he just ends up shooting himself

    #223900
    JamesTC
    Participant

    Heil Hogey I’m Home:

    Hogey the Roguey and Hitler-Bot move in next door to Rimmer and Lister. Hogey invites his boss for dinner but Hitler can’t make it so Lister has to pretend to be Hitler. Meanwhile Cat gets a tattoo.

    Directed by Juliet May.

    #223901
    flanl3
    Participant

    SPACE LEAK:

    Hogey is finally crushed through the hole in the old bunkroom, no longer acting as a plug. Everything leaks out into space. Can they plug the hole before – oh wait, they’ve already been spaced. Whoops.

    #223902
    clem
    Participant

    POLYMORPH II: BACK IN THE HABIT

    The polymorph assumes the form of a nun in order to teach music at an inner-city school.

    #223903
    clem
    Participant

    BACK TO GIRTH

    Rimmer tries jelqing.

    #223904
    clem
    Participant

    PILLOCKONIA

    The crew discover a space station manned by a right bunch of numpties.

    #223905
    clem
    Participant

    HERE NO EVEL KNIEVEL

    The crew discover a research facility where clones of various celebrities and historical figures have been kept in stasis. The eponymous motorcycle stunt performer is not among them.

    #223906
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Cumille’

    A day in the degrading life of Red Dwarf’s downtrodden Pleasure GELF as various men ejaculate over her. Meanwhile, Rimmer bets Lister $£20 that he can’t go a whole day without saying smeg.

    #223907
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Queerantine’

    The Dwarfers stumble across a concentration camp for homosexual males. None of them really know how to act around these noble, different, waspish, tragic men, but ‘awkwardly’ is a good start. Meanwhile, Kochanski’s turned bridezilla – but who’s the groom?

    #223908
    bloodteller
    Participant

    IRAQ IN THE RED- The crew discover the entire Republic of Iraq hidden away on Floor 13. it has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again. Lister ponders if it would’ve been better to not just haphazardly shoehorn ideas in in such a way.

    #223909
    bloodteller
    Participant

    THE INQUISITOR- lister is stopped in the street by a man who asks him a series of questions. he says he is conducting a “quick survey” that will “only take 5 minutes”

    three weeks pass. lister is beginning to get restless.

    #223910
    flanl3
    Participant

    TWO TIMES IN AS MANY MINUTES:

    I renominate this thread for hall of fame status. Now, I know that something can only be in the hall of fame once, but it seemed so important that it was worth mentioning twice.

    #223912
    Dave
    Participant

    FUTURE ECCLES

    The crew stumble across a time portal that sends them to a small town in greater Manchester in the year 2374. Where criticism is banned.

    #223913
    Dave
    Participant

    DUCT POOP

    Someone has done a shit in the service tunnels, but who? Kryten has a ‘best guess’, but will anyone believe him? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s removal of all the bog roll means that everyone discovers what shirt tails are for.

    #223914
    Dave
    Participant

    STROKE ME A FLIPPER

    When Kryten declares his secret lifelong dream to swim with dolphins, the rest of the crew decide it’s up to them to make it happen. But the series 4000 isn’t waterproof is it? Luckily Ace Rimmer arrives to save the day just before Kryten dies in a rusting waterlogged mess.

    #223915
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Babyswap’

    Kochanski’s newborn suffers cot death while she’s looking for some cream cheese. Driven mad with grief, she swaps the baby’s corpse with a Skutter and pretends everything is normal. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Cat bond over fascist fashion.

    #223917
    cwickham
    Participant

    Hologrammica: The crew are kidnapped by the World Hologram Organisation Rebel Ensemble, who turn Kryten, Cat and Lister into holograms. They don’t give Rimmer a new life of luxury because he’s such a twat.

    #223920
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘The Inquisitart’

    The crew encounter a space prostitute and start regularly using her to ease their sexual frustrations until she forces them to examine their disposable attitudes towards the opposite sex and then stare at their blank, dead-eyed reflections after each sexual act. She tries to wipe their semen from history but Kryten’s oily mix proves somewhat difficult to shift. Meanwhile, Holly’s using again.

    #223922
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Quarrytime

    The crew go to a quarry in England in the 21st century and remark how much more realistic it looks than Planet Rimmer. Meanwhile, Lister’s attempts at DIY go comically awry.

    #223925
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Gonorrhoea Of The Apocalypse’

    Three episodes after Nirvanah Crane tells Rimmer that, as holograms, they’re not at risk of disease, Rimmer picks up a virus from another hologram. Nirvanah subsequently gets in touch to casually suggest that he might want to get himself checked out. ‘They’re all floppy-titted bitches,’ says Cat, helpfully. Meanwhile, things are getting a little fraught at Kochanski’s book club!

    #223926
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    TerrorNorm

    Red Dwarf is haunted by the banshee moans of a former crew member.

    #223927
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Feature Echoes’

    The Dwarfers log in to their favourite fansite to find that the articles are getting a little repetitive. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kochanski start rival choirs. Guest starring Gareth Malone.

    #223935
    clem
    Participant

    FUTURE GECKOS

    The crew visit an alternate dimension where Frankenstein was a gecko, and warlike lizard people have taken over Red Dwarf. But not all of them are bad guys. Meanwhile Kochanski’s scratchcard addiction is getting out of hand. Guest starring Vas Blackwood as Glen.

    #223937
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Tight Hole’

    Lister pesters Kochanski for anal sex, but will she turn the tables on him? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s belief system is severely challenged when he realises God is made up. Guest starring Martin Clunes as Voice of the Strap-On.

    #223938
    bloodteller
    Participant

    FUTURAMA ECHOES- The crew sees visions of a show that has a similar premise to theirs. Rimmer tries to start an argument about which show is better, but everybody tells him to fuck off.

    #223939
    flanl3
    Participant

    SNACKONIA:

    The crew get picked up by the Snack Machine United Team, who immediately arrest them and turn them into snack dispensers for having kept Snacky off-screen for the last fifteen episodes. Meanwhile, Snacky gets treated to a life of luxury where he never has to run out of pretzels, but he becomes increasingly annoyed with the SMUT for not letting him practice his new hobbies because they are ‘unfit for an organism of such high class.’ Also, Rimmer in his snack machine form starts growing endless breasts.

    #223941
    Dave
    Participant

    LIVERPUDLIA (aka The One Where Everyone’s Lister)

    When a malfunction in Red Dwarf’s hologram personality files accidentally transmits Lister’s brainwaves to everyone in the crew, they all end up EATING LOTS OF CURRY and PLAYING THE GUITAR BADLY and SAYING SMEG until the episode ends 26 minutes later.

    #223943
    flanl3
    Participant

    LIVERPUDLIA (aka The One Where Everyone’s Lister)

    TOWEL.

    #223945
    cwickham
    Participant

    Catica: Rimmer, Kryten and Lister are all turned into cat people. It has no discernible shift in the status quo whatsoever except for the fact that they all have to wear prosthetic fangs for the rest of the series and beyond.

    #223946
    Dave
    Participant

    HOLLYSHIP

    When a mysterious new ship suddenly appears next to Red Dwarf, our four heroes are bemused to find that it is staffed exclusively by disembodied heads on TV screens. They quickly reboot Holly, who immediately falls in love with one of the new ship’s crew and expresses a desire to join them. But they don’t want him because he’s shit. Meanwhile, Cat has lost his trousers.

    #223947
    cwickham
    Participant

    Taiwanicaocracy: All of the crew are turned into Taiwan Tony, then have an election to decide whose accent is the most racist.

    #223948
    clem
    Participant

    SIDEWAYS

    Award-winning episode in which Lister and Rimmer take a road trip on a version of Earth where time runs sideways.

    #223950
    cwickham
    Participant

    Forwards: The Dwarfers land on a version of Earth where time runs the correct way. The later DVD special feature, “Forwards Backwards”, is widely criticised for being completely pointless.

    #223951
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    PETE: BAHT THAI

    #223952
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Formica

    Lister, Rimmer and the Cat are turned into Formica tables. Fortunately, Lister uses his expert knowledge to get them out of this pickle. Meanwhile, Talkie Toaster receives an invitation to a school reunion.

    #223953
    cwickham
    Participant

    Kochansika: The crew are all turned into versions of Kochanski. The episode abruptly ends 15 minutes in when Doug realises it’s basically the same as Parallel Universe, and the rest of the timeslot is taken up with a secretly filmed video of Norman Lovett on the toilet.

    #223954
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Grope Me A Pippa

    Ace Rimmer travels to this dimension and becomes obsessed with Pippa Middleton. Can he control his busy hands?

    #223955
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    PETE: BAHT THAI

    i wanted to do something with taiwan but got mixed up with thailand

    #223956
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    THE YEN

    pete buys some noodles from taiwan tony and it costs 2 yen. the next day he buys the same noodles for 1 yen. tony gets annoyed and pete explains that it’s exchange rate fluctuations. tony says ‘flucktueuropeans as well, then’

    #223957
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Ripperworld’

    Rimmer gets stranded on a planet for 600 years and creates a load of clones of himself who go about slaughtering all the local prostitutes. Meanwhile, that video Pree made in college comes back to haunt her. Guest starring Celia Imrie and Susie Blake as Trixie and Goggins.

    #223958
    Hamish
    Participant

    “Pete Part Three”

    Guest staring Pete Martin.

    #223959
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    Waiting For Rob

    It’s April Fool’s Day and Red Dwarf XIII is in pre-production. Ganymede and Titan publish a news story which is taken seriously by several Red Dwarf fans who gather outside the Grant Naylor offices In anticipation.

    #223960
    bloodteller
    Participant

    BACKWOODS- The crew are teleported into a forest. Cat begins to eat branches and moss, until Lister tells him to stop.

    #223961
    bloodteller
    Participant

    PURR-ALLEL MEWNIVERSE: The crew get transported to a universe where they are all cats. except Cat, who is a fish for some reason and not a human as you may have expected.

    #223963
    si
    Participant

    I’d just like to say that most of these posts are very silly and clever.
    BUT. There have been a few episode outlines on here that I’ve found a bit uncomfortable and in poor taste. Just saying.

    Sorry, carry on.

    #223964
    Rubber
    Participant

    Well now I don’t know HOW to pitch it.

    #223965
    flanl3
    Participant

    I’d just like to say that most of these posts are very silly and clever.

    BUT. There have been a few episode outlines on here that I’ve found a bit uncomfortable and in poor taste. Just saying.

    Sorry, carry on.

    If these were perhaps my Sam Murray ones, I was attempting to replicate the poor taste of Timewave. I’m sorry if I wasn’t as competent with that as I could have been. And if it was many of my other posts, sorry about them as well, probably something similar.

    #223966
    bloodteller
    Participant

    i think most of mine were pretty clean

    #223967
    bloodteller
    Participant

    Dollar Pound’s ones were the funniest, i think

    #223968
    flanl3
    Participant

    TAIWANTICA:

    The crew visit an alternate 20th century Taiwan where accents are illegal.

    #223970
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Teacup To Ride’

    The Dwarfers go to the fairground and ride the teacups. Meanwhile, Dr McLaren’s kill list is growing longer by the day.

    #223971
    bloodteller
    Participant

    ARMITAGE SHANKS FOR THE MEMORY: lister gives rimmer the memory of every shit he’s ever taken. the rest of the episode is just rimmer sobbing inside a cupboard

    #223972
    bloodteller
    Participant

    TIKKA TOO WIDE: lister orders a curry so big that he can’t eat it all so he just bathes in it instead

    #223973
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    THE BEST DAY

    it’s a thursday and the crew help kryten with the laundry and then watch tv. meanwhile hogey the roguey is in a different part of the ship and somehow gets both his feet stuck in buckets and is screaming blue bloody murder because also he’s got bits of tape stuck to his hands that he’s too irritated to detach properly and so he just keeps violently flicking his hands which doesn’t work whilst simultaneously trying to get the buckets off just with his feet

    #223974
    Dollar Pound
    Participant

    FUCT SUIT

    kryten shrinks one of cat’s suits because cat changes the settings when kryten isn’t looking which is kryten’s fault. cat is so angry he takes revenge. the next night when kryten’s doing the laundry, he sneaks in and changes the settings and fucks up all his other suits

    #223975
    Rubber
    Participant

    ‘Oooh, Rob! Whore Us!’

    Chris, Chloe and Norman approach Rob Grant and ask him to act as their pimp. Rob is only interested if they can get lean, sexy Danny on board, but he’s got regular work on Death In Paradise and doesn’t need the money. Meanwhile, Lister can’t get a golf club membership.

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