Idea for an episode.

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  • #226290

    cwickham

    IDEA FOR AN EPISODE (BACK IN THE) THREAD, PART ONE THOUSAND AND ONE

    After an unnecessarily long recap and loads of filler, it is determined that this thread is still funnier than “Back in the Red: Part Three”.

    #226291

    bloodteller

    THREAD IN THE BACK PART 1- kryten is restitching listers jacket while hes wearing it. he accidentally sews the jacket directly into listers back and they spend the episode pulling all the stitching out of him. its all very uncomfortable and lister actually starts crying about 2 minutes in

    meanwhile rimmer finds some new clothes in a dumpster round the back of primark

    #226292

    bloodteller

    BACK IN THE SPREAD- after 1002 consecutive episodes of the crew trying to get out of a massive pot of margarine they finally get out. but it turns out lister has left the handbrake off and starbug tumbles back into the margarine even deeper than before. cat quips “better spread than smeg” but a bitchy lister clips him round the back of the head and he shuts up

    meanwhile kryten reappears on the 3-page foldout in playgirl

    #226294

    flanl3

    Alright, let’s keep it up, I’ve got a good one ready once we’ve hit 6000.

    #226295

    Ben Saunders

    Fuck my arse we’re onto the third page

    #226296

    Pete Part Three

    The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

    That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

    Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

    #226297

    Dave

    Fuck my arse we’re onto the third page

    What happens in this one?

    #226298

    Pete Part Three

    It’s a fuck, right. In his arse. Hence the words “fuck my arse”.

    It’s slightly more eventful than Dear Dave, anyway.

    #226299

    Ben Saunders

    Even having a synopsis for it would be too much of a spoiler. You’ll just have to experience it for yourself

    #226300

    Dave

    “Kryten encourages Lister to read by offering sexual incentives every time Lister makes even the smallest amount of progress.”

    #226301

    bloodteller

    MERCEDESOCRACY- the crew come across a rare mercedes in the cargo bay. there are only 1 and 1/2 of them in the world and theyve got 1 and 1/4 of them. then they argue about who should get to keep it. rimmer says he should keep it since he likes cars, while cat thinks he should keep it so he can make it into a fashionable jacket. eventually they just sell it on ebay and things go back to normal

    #226302

    bloodteller

    ONLY THE GOOD DELIVERY SERVICE: on their way to dispatch the mercedes for delivery, the crew discover that MyHermes is being eaten by a corrosive microbe and they wont be able to send their parcel.

    luckily kryten builds a mirror universe machine out of packing tape and labels and everyone is saved

    #226303

    cwickham

    ONLY THE BAD DELIVERY SERVICE: The crew order something from Redbubble.

    #226304

    Dave

    HAIKU TO REALITY

    It was all a game
    Blown up by the despair squid
    All’s not as it seems

    #226305

    Dave

    HAIKU TO EARTH

    It was all a show
    Let’s just keep the budget down
    Blade Runner was good

    #226306

    Dave

    HAIKU IN THE RED

    All the crew are back
    Red Dwarf looks quite long now, eh?
    What d’you mean “three parts”?

    #226307

    Dave

    HAIKUSHIP

    You make love just like
    A Japanese poem form
    Five, Seven, then five

    #226311

    Katydid

    BACK IN THE REDTUBE

    Lister uncovers Rimmer’s stash of illegal trivids.

    #226313

    flanl3

    BACK IN THE REDTUBE:

    Lister rediscovers a website whivh allows you to get YouTube Red for free.

    #226314

    cwickham

    RIMMER AND THE CAPTAIN

    Rimmer invites Captain Hollister to lunch, but the roast he has prepared is burnt. He decides to purchase fast food from Snacky and pass it off as his own cooking. However, his plan is foiled by a claim of plagiarism.

    #226318

    Rubber

    Psoreen

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic malt loaf which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226319

    Rubber

    Psamsara

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic spaceship with a karma drive which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226320

    Rubber

    Pcylinder

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic cylinder which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226321

    Rubber

    Pstasis Leak

    The Dwarfers encounter a telepathic stasis leak which wants to suck out their brains.

    #226322

    bloodteller

    LEGUME- bizarre edit of legion where it’s just the scene of cat eating peanuts for the whole episode

    #226323

    bloodteller

    LEGIT IAN- there are many many ian symeses in the room. but which one is the real one? david ross is sent in to find out.

    #226324

    bloodteller

    LERGY IAN- ian symes gets sick so john hoare comes round and makes him a lovely cup of soup. meanwhile, all the other G&T admins send heartwarming “get well soon messages” to him and he is very pleased

    #226327

    Dollar Pound

    TRAPPED IN THE NECK PART 1

    holly’s head is hollow and solid like an easter egg and the boys from the dwarf are trapped in the neck of it. they’ve been miniaturised. later in this disjointed episode, cat meets cherry, a cologram of his former exact bunkmate who he gets trapped in a stationary cupboard with full of foul smelling staples

    #226328

    Dollar Pound

    TRAPPED IN THE NECK PART 2

    the gravity briefly cuts out because of the drain on the ship’s power caused by cherry going thru the me2 phase allowing lister to get purchase of the interior of holly’s jowels

    #226329

    Dollar Pound

    TRAPPED IN THE NECK PART 3

    ace rescues cat and cherry from the stationary cupboard and explains everything. he smashes holly’s screen, breaks his head like a cocunut, releasing the crew, craefully glues it back together, puts it back behind where the screen was and fits a new screen. then he returns the crew back to their normal size.

    #226330

    Pete Part Three

    The End

    Nope. Not yet, sadly.

    #226331

    bloodteller

    GUNMEN OF THE NECROPOLIS- the crew take a trip down to the glasgow necropolis and start shooting shit which ends up annoying the locals because they think it is “very disrespectful”

    #226332

    bloodteller

    BALANCE OF SHOWER- sequel to lemons. the crew are putting the rejuvination shower in the cupboard along with all the other time travel devices they dont need but unfortunately they cant get it on the shelf without it falling off and shattering into a million bloody pieces and they have to spend a week putting it back together each time

    #226333

    Dollar Pound

    POLLYMORPH

    what are people’s top 10 ideas for an episode to celebrate 15 months of idea for an episode and immanentise the snarkularity

    #226334

    cwickham

    IDEA FOR AN EPISODE (BACK IN THE) THREAD REMASTERED

    The one thousand and thirty fifth episode idea, which was much less intelligent than the first one thousand and thirty four, stowed away on the third page – where it died of old age not long after.

    #226335

    Paul Muller

    Back In The Thread: Part 3

    The crew return to a derelict forum thread to make the same title joke pun again, but with a different number.

    Cat is forced to perform an elaborate dance sequence with Blue Midget for some reason – but before the crew can make their escape they must face down a man calling himself ‘Tonguetied’, who demands to know why the Blue Midget page on TOS has not been updated to reflect the inexplicable addition of arms to a shuttlecraft.

    After slipping on a foaming cloche, his flimsy disguise falls off, revealing none other than a disgruntled Holly, his monitor propped up on a pile of boxes, covered in a long coat.

    Enraged, he declares that this will be his last visit to this sad little site for people who haven’t got anything better to do…

    But was it an accident?

    #226341

    Dave

    HOLOSHIT II: EMODUMP

    Rimmer discovers what shirt tails are for, and gets very upset about it.

    #226349

    flanl3

    KYLOMORPH II: EMOFUCK

    Kylo Ren throws a tantrum all over the place.

    #226351

    Dave

    OUT OF THE BLUE: PART ONE

    The first episode of Series XIV follows up on Series XIII’s cliffhanger in which the crew finally recovered Blue Midget. We find out that it has been rebuilt by nanobots to the original JMC specifications, meaning it now has four legs and is long enough to fit an entire resurrected crew of 1,169 inside it. It goes on to win 2021’s series of Strictly Come Dancing.

    #226372

    Dave

    THE PUBQUIZZITOR

    Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to get really good at pub quizzes.

    The crew is therefore divided into two teams and forced to compete on trivia questions over the course of several themed rounds (including a picture round on a sheet that has been so badly photocopied as to make it near-impossible).

    “Because… like all who compete before the Pubquizzitor… your judge… shall be… the team sitting immediately to your left.”

    #226379

    flanl3

    THE INQUISITOR PART TWO:

    Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to shit all over the place.

    This means that Lister doesn’t die, Kryten doesn’t die as he assisted Lister in doing this, Cat doesn’t die because he once ran across the entire ship with fresh shit on his bum, and Rimmer gets Holly to quickly make him holoshit everywhere, so he lives. The Inquisitor Part Two apologizes for taking their time, makes them forget he was ever there, and moves on with his day.

    #226382

    Katydid

    SERIES IX, EPISODE 6: BACK IN THE POLYMORPH

    Red Dwarf falls off a shelf and breaks, interrupting Lister’s bath. The crew are forced to coerce a polymorph into becoming another Red Dwarf, before sedating it to retain that shape. Unfortunately, the new Red Dwarf is a fucking hideous pencil. Lister takes a saw and gets to work, but upon puncturing the hull Kochanski is sucked into space. “Saw that coming,” Lister quips, and goes back to cutting the penciloid abomination in half.

    #226388

    Dave

    MONOMORPH

    The crew encounter a genetically-engineered lifeform with the ability to retain a single outward appearance that never changes.

    #226398

    Katydid

    GUNMEN II: A FISTFUL OF POLYMORPHS

    Rejected VII script, later rewritten as the Little Britain episode “The One Where We Tediously Make Fun of Transvestites But It’s Old West-Themed”.

    #226410

    Dave

    POLLYMORPH

    While attempting to compile a list of their favourite Red Dwarf episodes for the Pearl Poll, G&T members find their order keeps changing depending on what mood they’re in.

    #226411

    Dave

    POLLOSHIP

    The Enlightenment’s computer predicts a 97.8% probability that G&T members will choose Back To Reality as their favourite episode.

    #226412

    Dave

    CAPTAIN POLLISTER

    Ian Symes gets a new nickname.

    #226413

    Dave

    CAT OF WORMS

    Cat becomes angry when he realises that he is the only member of the crew not to have had his name included in the title of an episode. He therefore sulks until Doug Naylor agrees to include one in Series XIII.

    #226414

    flanl3

    MECHCATCRACY:

    When Cat is still a mechanoid, he takes over the entire goddamn ship.

    #226415

    Dave

    CAT PAINS ORIFICE

    *That* scene from the ‘Backwards’ novel.

    #226417

    Katydid

    BARBEDPENISIA

    Rob Grant guest-writes his own Cat-centric episode for Series XIII.

    #226418

    Katydid

    BARBED PENISMORPH

    Rob Grant does a pass on the Can of Worms script.

    #226419

    cwickham

    CAPTAIN POLLOCKSTER

    Captain Hollister becomes interested in the medium of drip painting.

    #226420

    Katydid

    BACKDOOR IN THE RED

    Red Dwarf is left without oxygen after Lister leaves a screen door open. Rimmer, Kryten and a team of skutters must travel to close it before Lister suffocates. Meanwhile, the oxygen deprivation gives Cat a raging barbed erection.

    #226423

    Captain Bollocks

    CRAPPIN’ THE RED

    A massive dinosaur does a blood poo all over the ship.

    #226424

    Katydid

    TROJAN

    Rimmer sews name labels onto his ship-issue condoms.

    #226425

    bloodteller

    EVERY SNOG… – A rather bizarre edit of the final episode of VIII where all the scenes except Rimmer’s kiss with Talia are removed

    #226426

    bloodteller

    EVERY BOG…- kryten finally finishes cleaning all the toilets on red dwarf but doesn’t know what to do with himself after that. luckily the derelict-of-the-week contains a petrol station toilet and kryten is faced with the ultimate challenge of cleaning the fucking rank shit that you see in those. he actually throws up at one point despite not being able to, its really that disgusting in there.

    meanwhile rimmer gets those chest pains again that he somehow hasn’t had since rimmerworld. but was it acid reflux?

    #226436

    Dollar Pound

    BACK 2 EARTH 2: PART 1

    it’s in the form of a table read this one, but as if it’s already been an episode but wasn’t. again barrie is speaking a hybrid of german and italian. everyone is casually dressed as themselves, except robert, who is in the full gear and brought his own stuff. in the story, it’s like back to earth but instead of coronation st it’s eastenders. and instead of craig it’s danny. even thought he isn’t in it. that’s sort of the weird idea behind the episode. there’s a nice moment when, during a joke that calls back to the cords/co-ords pun from series vii, barrie, mugging charismatically, points to his trade mark corduroy trousers to the delight of the audience who are all very elderly.

    #226437

    Ridley

    VOTER KERNEL

    The Dwarfers are forced to rank every post of the “Idea for an episode.” thread.

    #226438

    flanl3

    You see, it’s like the Pearl Poll, but the other way ’round.

    #226479

    Katydid

    THE ASS DAY

    It’s Naked Man from Stasis Leak’s very own episode! Can he solve the intriguing mystery of who swiped his knickers?

    #226497

    flanl3

    THE ‘YAS’ DAY

    It’s like Parallel Universe, but the women are stereotypically female instead of stereotypically male.

    #226498

    Dave

    PAIR O’ LOL UNIVERSE

    Red Dwarf Series II’s final episode is edited down to the point where it only has two jokes left in it.

    #226502

    Ben Paddon

    FURNITURE ECHOES

    The Red Dwarf posse yell obscenities inside of a large but deserted Ikea, enjoying the acoustics as their yells of “bums” and “willy” bounce off of the sheet metal walls and plywood book shelves.

    #226503

    Dave

    DEER DAVE

    As a Christmas prank, the crew use the DNA ship that is still attached to Red Dwarf to turn Lister into a reindeer. He is then required to pull Kryten’s spacebike around while Rimmer, dressed as Santa Claus, sits on the back and dispenses presents to the Skutters.

    #226504

    Dave

    DEMONS AND ANTLERS

    Sequel.

    #226506

    Dollar Pound

    ELKDOWN

    experimenting with the dna machine, snacky turns themself into an elk

    #226507

    Dollar Pound

    BEYOND AN ELK

    snacky realises they are something more than just an elk

    #226508

    Dollar Pound

    PARALLELK UNIVERSE

    etc

    #226511

    Dollar Pound

    elkcetera elkcetera

    #226512

    Ben Paddon

    THE ELK

    An elk is released from stasis three million years after everyone else has died.

    #226513

    flanl3

    FUTURE ELKOES:

    Despite the fact that it’s only spring, Lister catches glimpses of many elk bugling about the ship, a phenomenon which typically occurs in the autumn. Lister is confused about why this is happening, until Holly explains that they’re actually glimpses into the future called ‘future elkoes’. Meanwhile, why the fuck are elk going to be on Red Dwarf in six months?

    #226514

    Paul Muller

    Balance of Sour

    Lister studies for the Chef’s exam, in a bid to outrank Rimmer.

    He is unsure how much Lemon zest to add to his cake.

    #226515

    Dave

    TROUT OF TIME

    Cat unwittingly creates an unstable paradox in the space-time continuum by travelling through the Stasis Leak and eating all the Trout A La Creme on board, before the accident happens that wipes out Red Dwarf’s crew.

    As a result, his earlier self is never able to eat it and develop a taste for it, and so he never goes back through the Stasis Leak to search for more.

    #226516

    Dollar Pound

    THE FORK GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    lister hypnotises 2 cowboy simulants with a fork and they crash land on a moon named after keith moon. it’s called planet moon

    #226517

    Dollar Pound

    ANTLERS ARE ENTANGLED

    cat and kryten are elks and their antlers become entangled. later on when kryten is developing the slides he realises they are obviously space coordinates. they go there and find a space station dedicated to wrongness. in it they find the script for timewave

    #226519

    Paul Muller

    ELKIDEME

    Lister produces a rather flimsy explanation after he contracts a deadly STD from a decomposing, zombified elk.

    Kryten is shocked when Kochanski amputates her own arm, but she later reveals it was just an elk’s hoof wrapped in red PVC.

    #226524

    Dave

    THE ELKQUISITDEER

    Red Dwarf is visited by an immortal simulant who, after millions of years alone, finally reaches the conclusion that there is no god, no afterlife, and the only purpose of existence is to determine the worthiness of the lives lived by the universe’s ungulates.

    #226526

    Dollar Pound

    MOOSED

    lister gets moosed and crashes the bug into a planetoid. rimmer christens it asteroid rimmer.

    #226527

    Dave

    OUT HOOF TIME

    After traversing the reality bubbles, Cat realises that he actually quite liked being transformed into a deer.

    #226528

    Dollar Pound

    GIVE ANT LER

    cat has to donate one of his antlers to save lister but which one? it doesn’t matter that much they regrow.

    #226530

    Ben Paddon

    Marvelous.

    #226531

    Dollar Pound

    ELK THE LAST DAY

    columbo elk escapes an ar game with old tv characters as elks and questions the dwarfers to about the murder of a knight. lister admits to the muder but hypnotises columbo elk / elk columbo at the same time with his twinkling fork and singsong accent. then they’re not sure what to do so they get moosed and talk about incest

    #226534

    Dave

    GUNMEN OF THE ELKPOCALYPSE

    When a dying Simulant crew infects Starbug with a computer virus, the crew must use the AR machine to join Kryten in battling it. Unfortunately, instead of choosing Streets Of Laredo they accidentally boot up Deer Simulator instead.

    #226535

    Paul Muller

    BACK TO ELK: PART 2

    Rimmer murders an elk by pushing it in front of a speeding bus.

    #226536

    Dave

    BAMBISWAP

    Lister has his brain transferred into the body of a small cartoon deer.

    Meanwhile, Bambi is surprised at the size of Lister’s cock.

    #226543

    Dollar Pound

    UNGULATE GOODS DIE YOUNG

    now on bbc2 the crew of the r-hed dw-harf discover a garbage pod full of expired venison

    #226544

    Dollar Pound

    v-henison

    #226545

    flanl3

    WHITETAILING FOR GOD:

    Rimmer skips to an alternate dimension where instead of a cat Lister brought on board a white-tailed deer. There’s a whole bunch of them. They all worship Lister. Rimmer skips out.

    #226546

    Dave

    BACK TO VEALITY

    Lister is embroiled in a moral scandal when he asks Kryten to prepare him the meat of a young calf for dinner. Meanwhile, Cat has the venison.

    #226547

    flanl3

    MULEDEEROONED:

    Lister crashes Starbug into a planet full of mule deer. There’s no food, but he doesn’t want to shoot one. Instead, he decides to eat his own cock, which is large enough to last him a full month. Thankfully, the others get there to rescue him before he does.

    By the way, this one Sunday afternoon we were eating lunch and all of a sudden there were like twenty fucking fucking mule deer out on the back lawn. That’s the kind of place I live.

    #226548

    flanl3

    BODYSWAMP:

    Oh, so that’s what you really did with all your little catty friends.

    #226549

    Dave

    BACK IN THE RUDOLPH: PART ONE

    When a dying Kryten insists that his last wish is to watch a Christmas pantomime, it’s up to Lister and Rimmer to play the front end and the back end (respectively) of the titular reindeer.

    #226556

    Dave

    LANARCHY

    When Rimmer shows off his collection of lanyards, Lister becomes jealous and decides to try and put together his own collection of Red Dwarf lanyards to compete with his crewmate. Luckily he finds an online shop to cater for just such an eventuality.

    #226557

    flanl3

    BA-LAN-CE OF POWER:

    Lister is annoyed by Rimmer having more lanyards and shoving it in hos face all the time, so he gets a bunch of chef lanyards, except he lied about it.

    #226558

    Dave

    CASS-LAN-DRA

    A computer that predicts the future tells Lister that he is destined to get more lanyards than Rimmer, but only if Kochanski ends up sleeping with Kryten. But it turns out it was all a lie. Cat figured it out.

    #226559

    Ben Paddon

    OOPS, ALL BARRIES

    Chris Barrie plays all the roles in this episode, including guest cast. Story TBD.

    #226560

    clem

    TIKKA TO ID XTENDED

    Lister says he once drank a lanyard of curry sauce. Rimmer asks him what that even means but it turns out they were in an unreality bubble. Meanwhile Kryten mines some bitcoin. Cat isn’t in this one because he’s too busy wanking. The real reason is Doug didn’t feel like putting him in the episode.

    #226564

    Dollar Pound

    LANYARDS

    the crew meet a gestalt entity called grant lanyard. they come to the realisation that he is feeding off their lanyards so they jettison them into a timehole leading to a universe where time runs lanyards, so they will be happy there. grant lanyard takes off his mask and his face contorts from a combination of rob grant and lanyards and just rob grant. and then oh no i can’t be bothered cat gives birth to an elk

    #226565

    Katydid

    PETE PART 2 XTENDED

    Hollister says “See you in ten minutes” for ten minutes, and then he sees them. The audience laughs and applauds for so long that Chris Barrie gets bored and goes home, forcing Craig Charles to fill out the remainder of the episode with his standup act.

    #226566

    bloodteller

    KILN CRAZY- kill crazy brings round his cousin, kiln crazy. he loves kilns a lot. luckily the canaries have found a kiln at the bottom of an ocean moon so kiln crazy climbs inside it and dies.

    #226568

    bloodteller

    KILROY CRAZY- kill crazy starts watching kilroy and gets really into it. unfortunately kilroy says something racist and so kill crazy is put off the show forever.

    meanwhile, TodHunter meets his brother KillRoy. they go down to the pub and have a couple jars

    #226569

    bloodteller

    KILLCRAZY CRAZY-a forum user becomes obsessed with episode ideas relating to a short-lived side character from th eighth season of Red Dwarf.

    #226572

    Dave

    KILIK CRAZY

    The crew have a Soul Calibur tournament. Everyone favours the character with the long staff.

    #226575

    clem

    LOVEJOY CRAZY

    Kill Crazy starts watching Lovejoy and gets really into it, because when I read bloodteller’s Kilroy one I thought Kilroy was Lovejoy. I do know who Kilroy is, I just got them muddled up. Anyway, Kill Crazy watches Lovejoy and then goes around driving everybody crazy by humming the rather catchy Lovejoy theme. Meanwhile Rimmer has to decide whether to share or to shaft.

    #226577

    bloodteller

    BILL CRAZY- norweb finally catch up to lister and he is drowned in debt

    #226578

    bloodteller

    QUILL CRAZY- the boys from the dwarf find shakespeare at the bottom of an ocean moon. he has gone mad and stuck a quill up his bum so they just leave him there

    #226582

    flanl3

    STILL CRAZY

    The psychiatrist verifies that Kill Crazy is still crazy

    #226584

    flanl3

    STILL CRAZY!

    Kill Crazy becomes obsessed with pausing video and paintings of fruit.

    #226585

    flanl3

    STILL CRAZY?

    Cat wonders whether Kill Crazy is frozen in time like the rest of everyone

    #226586

    cwickham

    STILL CRAZY,

    A thought as to whether or not someone is crazy is left unfinished.

    #226588

    Dave

    KRILL STACY

    The crew of Red Dwarf meet a small crustacean with an unlikely name.

    #226604

    Dollar Pound

    D N NAME

    kryten unveils his new machine he’s been working on called the d n name machine which stands for dave’s new name machine. the machine is an odd confection of tupperware lids, lanyards and crocodile clips which he drapes over dave. dave decides to call himself billy but when kryten says the machine is ready to hear his new name he just suddenly says bellend in a confident and relaxed tone of voice. kryten explains that the machine can only be used once and the change is permanent. bellend tries to throw the tupperware lids and lanyards across the room in a petulent rage but can’t disentangle himself. rimmer gives birth to an elk.

    #226608

    flanl3

    but was it an accident

    #226609

    Dave

    FLATULENCE AND PARANOIA

    Lister does a quiet trump and then worries that everyone else can smell it but are too polite to say anything.

    #226611

    flanl3

    WARDEN NOT:

    The crew pass through an unreality bubble where they forget that Knot ever existed.

    #226615

    bloodteller

    FILM CRAZY- An hour-long special detailing Doug’s efforts to get the Red Dwarf Movie made, interspersed with clips from the cast readthroughs and storyboards.

    meanwhile, rimmer becomes obsessed with draping clingfilm over absolutely bloody fucking everything, eventually leading to his own demise

    #226617

    Dave

    PALANCE OF BOWER

    Using mutated film-development fluid, the crew of Red Dwarf somehow manage to resurrect Hollywood actor Jack Palance. Unfortunately he is trapped in a timeloop and believes he is perpetually taking a curtain call, leading him to be able to do nothing but bow. The Boys From The Dwarf begin to wonder whether the entire situation has been contrived for the purposes of an extremely weak pun.

    #226618

    cwickham

    WAR DEN NOT:

    The Dwarfers build a small room designed to be used for war, but discover it does not exist.

    #226619

    bloodteller

    THE BEG-IAN-ING- look out earth, syme’s coming home.

    #226620

    bloodteller

    TIDEWAVE- lister gets into the current trend of eating Tide Pods.

    meanwhile, rimmer gets swept into the sea due to high tides and heavy waves. but was it an accident?

    #226623

    Dollar Pound

    LOVEJOY AND KILLROY

    lister contracts a space virus and two physical halucinations appear channeling different aspects of his psyche. lovejoy represents the part of lister that has dimples, a mullet and a leather jacket, with killroy representing obviously his racist daytime tv host side. lovejoy secretly kills killroy and takes lister antiqueing but in the end lovejoy’s head explodes because he is too much

    #226625

    Dollar Pound

    HE CUBED

    kryten trips on a lanyard and falls into the waste compacter

    #226626

    Dave

    CONFIT DENSE AND PEAR ANNOY ‘ER

    Kochanski is visibly distressed when, after asking Kryten to prepare a Duck Confit, she bites into it and finds it is nowhere near as light and delicate as she expected. Putting the plate to one side, she instead decides to eat a pear, only to find that it is rotten.

    #226637

    bloodteller

    STASIS LANYARD- the crew find a stasis lanyard, which is like a lanyard that do time travel and all that. they use it to go back in time to before the accident but while theyre there they accidentally trip over red dwarf’s lanyard supplier bloke and he does his back in. as a consequence there are no lanyards to have in the future for them to travel back into the past to destroy the future of their past lanyards in the present.

    meanwhile kryten does a shit in a lanyard

    #226638

    Dave

    BACK TO LANYARDITY

    The crew of Red Dwarf are killed. They subsequently wake up and realise that their life on Red Dwarf was just a total-immersion videogame, and they are all in reality very different characters. Cat is a geeky lanyard enthusiast; Kryten a policeman who specialises in counterfeit lanyards; Rimmer a hapless bum whose addiction to lanyards has left him destitute; and Lister is the Lanyard Colonel, who works at the Ministry of Alteration, purifying society by converting broken lanyards into functional lanyards that can once again hang around a person’s neck for the purposes of displaying status-related information.

    #226644

    flanl3

    LANYARD PART TWO

    A lanyard eats a curry and shits everywhere. Meanwhile, a polymorphs fucks Cat, but was it an accident?

    #226673

    bloodteller

    MILL CRAZY- the canaries find a crashed windmill at the bottom of an ocean moon and Kill Crazy gets really into it but flies into a unbridled rage when he discovers theres not enough wind at the bottom of the ocean for the mill to get going.

    meanwhile rimmer goes fucking mental, but was it an accident?

    #226674

    Dave

    CONFER DENTS ON PAIR O’ “NOYER”

    Rimmer finds a Frenchman in a stasis booth, who immediately upon being resurrected demands to be served two walnuts, which he refers to in his native tongue. However, Rimmer is embarrassed when he finds himself unable to crack the walnuts open, only succeeding in making small indentations on their outer shells.

    Once again the crew suspect that the entire situation may have been contrived to make an incredibly tortuous pun that only the pun-maker will find amusing anyway.

    #226678

    bloodteller

    MILLICONIA- kill crazy suffers from orgasmic pleasure when the canaries find a space station made entirely out discarded windmills. unfortunately he has to get through a shit fight scene with mops before it shows up

    #226681

    clem

    DILL CRAZY

    Kryten becomes obsessed with dill and starts cooking all of Lister’s meals with it. Lister asks what’s with all the dill, but Kryten just says it’s good for him and anyway, they’ve run out of all the other herbs. Lister knows he’s lying and they fall out. Meanwhile Cat and Rimmer recreate the “two amazing things” yo-yo bit from Waiting for God, but with a lanyard instead of a yo-yo, while details of the Red Dwarf Shop’s BOGOF lanyard sale scroll along the bottom of the screen. Eventually Lister and Kryten make up. They hug and Lister affectionately calls Kryten “Ya big dildo!” Meanwhile Lovejoy is wanking.

    #226687

    clem

    I forgot to say that before they hug, Lister and Kryten agree never to mention dill again, so when Lister says DILLdo it’s like “Souper” only better because he says dildo. The audience applaud all the way through the end credits.

    #226694

    Dave

    COMFY DENCH AND PANORAMA

    Dame Judi Dench sits down on her favourite sofa to catch up with the BBC’s flagship investigative journalism programme on iplayer.

    #226707

    flanl3

    CRICHTON

    Kryten sells millions of books despite everyone being dead, but was it an accident?

    #226734

    Dave

    BACK TO REAL-H.P.

    When the despair squid suddenly finds himself running low on ink despite having just installed a new cartridge, he decides to switch back to genuine Hewlett Packard cartridges rather than the cheap knock-offs that he bought from some guy in Singapore.

    #226744

    Katydid

    KRYTIE QVC

    Rimmer stays up all night ordering necklaces on the telephone.

    #226745

    bloodteller

    KRYTIE VT- exactly the same as krytie tv but only the pre-recorded scenes

    #226746

    bloodteller

    BACK TO VEALITY- its Back To Reality but the effects are all replaced with shit Chris Veale CGI except starbug crashing, which bizarrely uses the model shot from the original. oh and theres a load of gas nebulas comped in fucking everywhere

    #226748

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PVC

    Exactly the same, but all the sound is played on a vinyl record.

    #226749

    cwickham

    KRYTIE TVC

    Exactly the same, but filmed on location at BBC Television Centre.

    #226750

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PLC

    Exactly the same, but with all parts played by the students of Pymble Ladies’ College.

    #226751

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PLP

    Exactly the same, but with all parts played by Labour MPs. Featuring Jared O’Mara.

    #226752

    cwickham

    KRYTIE PLO

    Exactly the same, but with all parts played by Mahmoud Abbas.

    #226753

    cwickham

    KRYTIE RRP

    Kryten learns that he was purchased for under the recommended retail price and feels betrayed.

    #226754

    bloodteller

    KRYTIE RP- kryten elects to play the red dwarf roleplaying game but finds a really racist bit about iguanas so he flips the table over in disgust and goes off to have a bit of a wank instead

    #226755

    bloodteller

    KRYTIE’S CV- kryten is sacked from red dwarf for being really fucking annoying or something. he has to write up a CV to get a new job but he can’t do it so he calls the boys from the dwarf over and they help him write up a really good CV that looks proper professional and everything. unfortunately he makes the mistake of including Timewave on it and once the employers see that there’s no way he’s getting any job ever

    #226756

    bloodteller

    BACK TO VEAL FOR TEA- red dwarf’s supply of chicken runs out so lister has to go back to having veal in his curry for tea. he doesnt like it so he turns his back to it but while his back is turned cat steals it. this upsets lister because he probably would have eaten it in the end

    #226757

    flanl3

    KRYTIE ELO

    ELO plays a concert with a special guest

    #226758

    bloodteller

    FIGHTY TV- lister gives his tv a couple of cans of lager but it starts calling him a twat and asking him if he “wants some”. he turns it off

    #226759

    bloodteller

    BLEAK IN THE RED- the dwarfers arrive back on red dwarf only to discover that nothing at all has changed. they go back to their bland everyday lives and everything is back to normal but there is a lingering sense of sadness surrounding it all

    meanwhile doug blames dinnerladies’ budget as the series takes a dive off the deep end

    #226796

    bloodteller

    DEMONS AND ANGEL CAKE- the crew build a triplicator which can make two copies of any object, with the side effect that one copy becomes bloody awful and the other becomes a slice of tasty british layered sponge loaf. they attempt to triplicate red dwarf but one of the copies is a massive five mile long cake and the other is the CGI remastered ship. in the end the crew just eat the cake and bugger off

    #226797

    bloodteller

    DEMONS AND BANALS- the crew attempt to repair the triplicator but this time one of the copies is always really predictable and boring. they try it on red dwarf and it becomes pete part 2

    #226803

    flanl3

    TIMEDAVE

    Lister asks Rimmer for a lanyard and subsequently gets his wrist spat upon.

    #226814

    Katydid

    TIMESLAVE

    Lister gets into bondage.

    #226815

    Dave

    POLOSHIP

    The crew of Red Dwarf encounter a derelict full of circular mints with holes in the middle.

    #226816

    flanl3

    OUI OUI

    Lister really needs to have a oui but his oui oui isn’t working correctly so he bodyswaps with Cat who now has the problem of being unable to have a oui of a normal color. Meanwhile, Kryten hits Rimmer with a baguette until he becomes unconscious, but was it an accident?

    #226818

    bloodteller

    FOLLYMORPH- the crew encounter a genetic mutant which can shapeshift into anything as long as it’s a very specific and pointless piece of decorative architecture.

    meanwhile lister builds the worlds longest Scalextric course down one of red dwarf’s corridors but its immediately fucked up when he pulls the control thing too hard and his cars go flying off the track

    #226819

    peas_and_corn

    THANKS FOR THE SPORES

    The crew stumble across yet another derelict. Kryten tells them that it uses fungus spores to transport to any point in the galaxy instantly. Lister tells him that makes no sense and clearly he’s reading the manual wrong. He then eats the teleporting fungus on toast.

    #226820

    Dave

    POLYMORK

    The crew of Red Dwarf encounter a deadly shape-shifting lifeform that can take the appearance of any character played by Robin Williams.

    #226829

    flanl3

    SEE YOU IN TWELVE MONTHS

    Hollister holds up the sign that says “SEE YOU IN TWELVE MONTHS” for twelve months because he is frozen by a somehow newly reconstructed time wand then his PTSD is somehow magically cured despite his having been frozen in time. Meanwhile, Cat has no scripted lines for the entire twelve months, but was it an accident?

    #226830

    Dave

    HOL-LISTER

    Dismayed by the ineffectiveness of the ship’s crew, the Skutters decide that Red Dwarf needs a proper Captain. However, due to their misunderstanding of the English language, their attempt to replace Captain Hollister consists of a hybrid clone of Holly and Lister, which (due to the show’s budget limitations) is depicted as Craig Charles walking around with a big old-fashioned CRT monitor on his head that displays Norman Lovett’s face, and Lovett also does a shit Liverpudlian accent. He turns out to be an excellent Captain, however, so the rest of the crew decide that they’re happy to keep him on. The episode ends with him being told he can share living quarters with Snacky and he is never mentioned again.

    #226831

    flanl3

    ASSANDRA

    Like Cassandra except she can only predict things related to asses, appendixes, and ani.

    #226832

    Dave

    ANALS AND DUODENUMS

    Like Angels & Demons, except… oh, you get the idea.

    #226833

    Dave

    OUR ROB OR ROTH

    Complications ensue when the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally travel back in time and inadvertently replace baby Lister under the pool table with a three-month-old David Lee Roth. As a result, Kryten, Rimmer and Cat now find themselves trapped three million years in the future with only the tedious former Van Halen frontman for company.

    (Alternative title: DON’TMENTION ‘JUMP’)

    #226835

    bloodteller

    AR ROB OREOS- takes place during the writing of series viii.doug cant think of any episode ideas so he tries to recreate rob grant in ar software and get him to help. but unfortunately rob escapes from the ar machine with the help of a knight and they piss off down to londis for some oreo biscuits. doug is so upset by this that he goes back in time to erase oreos from history which is a bit of a dick move but he is so blinded with rage he doesnt care

    meanwhile the cat rotates 360 degrees and complains his neck hurts afterwards. was his axis bent?

    #226836

    bloodteller

    LENNONS- the crew find an ikea self-assembly time travel thing and they go back in time. unfortunately the returner remote has no batteries so they are trapped until rimmer suggests they use john lennon as a battery. lister asks how that would even work but luckily johns exuberant nature is very powerful and the returner remote is recharged. they try to use it to go back but it somehow just teleports them inside their own brains

    #226837

    bloodteller

    KILK RAZEY- an 8 year old me watches cassandra for the first time and mishears kill crazy’s name as kilk razey which actually makes more sense because nobody would willingly call themselves kill crazy because thats mad

    #226842

    flanl3

    but kilk razey is mad

    #226852

    Katydid

    BEST GUESS

    Kryten figured it out.

    #226853

    Ben Paddon

    ONLY THE GOOP

    While searching a derelict vessel, Lister finds the box for a Real Ghostbusters fire station playset and gets excited until he opens it to find all of the pieces are missing save for the little tub of slime you could pour into the ceiling vents.

    #226854

    Dave

    ONLY TEA, GOOD

    Rimmer bans coffee.

    #226861

    bloodteller

    ONLY THREE GOOD- rimmer is submitting his pearl poll rankings and declares there are only three good episodes in the whole of VII/VIII. lister disagrees saying he thought krytie tv was okay at which point kryten and cat and rimmer beat the shit out of him with all truncheons and other horrid things

    meanwhile kochanski says she likes duct soup so kilk razey flushes her out of an airlock

    #226871

    Pete Part Three

    ONLY PEE GOO

    Lister develops an urinary tract infection. Meanwhile, Rimmer.

    #226874

    Dave

    CHUN LI THE GOOD

    When the annual Red Dwarf Street Fighter II tournament kicks off, Kryten stuns the rest of the crew by trouncing them all with the titular Chinese female. Yatta!

    #226879

    Dave

    OFFICER TODHUNTER

    Spinoff set during Series VIII in which Todhunter (played by Rob Bathurst) tries to get a load of tedious HR work done in his office while a dinosaur runs past his door and the walls start melting due to a corrosive micro-organism and Blue Midget accidentally dances into his desk and he suddenly finds himself wanting to have sex with Rimmer and so on.

    The episode ends with him suddenly having a massive extra load of paperwork to take care of due to an incident in which female occupants of the ship have been victims of a vile voyeuristic pay-TV scheme run by a deranged reprogrammed droid.

    #226880

    Dave

    YO TODHUNTER, GET DOWN!

    Saturday-night light-entertainment dancing show hosted by Frank Todhunter (played by Rob ‘hurst) in which the crew of Red Dwarf are paired off and forced to dance in a variety of different styles, with the losing team being put to death.

    #226881

    Dave

    FRANKS FOR THE MEMORY

    Hollister and Todhunter (played by R’ ‘st) go for a pint with one of Rimmer’s brothers, Rimmer’s uncle and Lister’s cat. The group soon finds itself musing on why there are so many people called Frank in the Red Dwarf universe.

    #226882

    Dollar Pound

    OUROBATHURST

    frank todhunter unlocks his destiny one night when he chances on an old vhs of joking apart, a tightly plotted tragicomic bbc farce whose star looks exactly like him. he realises he must go back in time, assume a fake identity and get the lead role or destroy the space time continuum. he decides on the former, but before he leaves, one of the officers who looks exactly like jerry seinfield overhears him telling his plans to rimmer, who isn’t interested anyway. the seinfield lookalike takes the sitcom about a stand-up comedian format into the past and makes it big in america whilst todhunter struggles to establish himself in london as a cloche hawker to get the dough together for acting school, explaining the shortfall of available cloches in later episodes.

    #226883

    Dax101

    There should be an episode thats nothing but call backs, the whole script just non-stop call backs and lines from previous series.

    Will be the best episode ever.

    #226884

    bloodteller

    TIM WAVES- set during series viii. todhunter has rigged up an experimental face-morphing device made up of all lanyards and drum machines. unfortunately it can only turn him into people called tim so he winds up being transformed into tim burton and he is stuck like that for the duration of viii explaining why nobody mentions him or knows where he is. he changes his name to timhunter and goes on the run

    12 months later he waves out of the window at the escaping crew, blissfully unaware there is a corrosive microbe onboard and that they have left him behind as they are unsure of his identity

    #226885

    Katydid

    YOU KNOW THE QUESTION, HE KNOWS THE QUESTION, WE ALL KNOW THE QUESTION

    Was Chris Barrie wearing a wig?

    #226888

    Ben Paddon

    There should be an episode thats nothing but call backs, the whole script just non-stop call backs and lines from previous series.

    Some cynical bastard is going to respond to this with “don’t you mean Back to Earth, a-hur-hur-hur,” and they’ll be… well, not 100% wrong. Maybe 60-70% wrong.

    #226901

    bloodteller

    GRAVE AND FAKE- doug wakes up one morning to find his memories of the last 2 days gone. after some searching he finds a grave on a moon labelled “to the memory of the memory of the red dwarf movie” doug digs it up and finds a vhs of the movie. he watches it and its so shit and crude and sexist, even moreso than krytie tv. he is so traumatised that he erases his memory and buries the film again. he does this over and over for about 6 years until its revealed it wasnt even the movie, it was an elaborate prank by a knight who escaped from the ar machine. doug gives up on the whole movie lark and goes on to make Back To Earth which is a bit like a movie i suppose

    #226902

    bloodteller

    GIVE AND “BLAKE”- famous rebel and antihero avon kerr stops by the red dwarf posse to deliver some blakes 7 dvds. everyone is really hyped up to watch them but lister accidentally lets slip what happens at the end of series 4’s final episode so they all kill him

    #226903

    bloodteller

    BLAKE IN THE RED: roj blake and the liberator crew stop by red dwarf for a bit. unfortunately its the crap johnny vegas version of blake from that bloody awful “blakes junction 7” film. the crew are so disappointed that they use the time drive to jettison blake back to 23rd century earth, where he gets a job as a pink policeman

    meanwhile kryten and cat take up stonemasonry

    #226905

    Dave

    SNACK TO REALITY

    Snacky is killed by the despair squid and wakes up to realise that his life as a snack-dispensing droid was all an elaborate total-immersion videogame. In real life, he is in fact Asclepius, a deranged medical droid. Traumatised by this realisation, he attempts to kill himself by jumping down a lift shaft. But it turns out he is on the bottom floor so he only falls down a couple of feet and feels a bit foolish afterwards.

    #226906

    Dave

    SNACK TO EARTH

    Snacky, having recovered from the effects of the Despair Squid, inadvertently opens a portal to Earth, where he finds out that he is a fictional character who is laughed at because he has a spatula on his head. Traumatised by this revelation, he tracks down his creator and pushes him down a lift shaft.

    #226907

    Dave

    SNACK IN THE RED: PART ONE

    Snacky is asked if he wants to appear in Red Dwarf VIII Remastered. Traumatised by this invitation, he waits at the bottom of a lift shaft to be crushed to death.

    #226908

    Dollar Pound

    SNACKWARDS ELK

    snacky invents a machine for travelling to parallel universi called the snacky hop drive. they find an alternative version of red dwarf where drinks run snackwards and all drinks are snacks. the crew are fascinated by this new world but find that soup is unaffected. plus elk

    #226909

    Dollar Pound

    but was it a snacident

    #226912

    flanl3

    BACKSIDE IN THE RED

    Lister is so happy to see Red Dwarf again that he is overcome with a temporary bout of insanity and lops off his arse, leaves it in the landing bay, and turns Starbug right around and takes off again, but was it an arsident?

    #226913

    Dave

    SNACK IN THE BED

    Lister has a sugar-puff sandwich while reclining in the top bunk.

    Meanwhile, Rimmer starts a new career as a cab driver. Unfortunately he has a minor prang on his first day. But was it a taxi dent?

    #226915

    flanl3

    SMACK IN THE BED

    Lister and Rimmer become bored and decide to experiment together with masochistic sex, and the whip leaves a huge mark across Rimmer’s face, but was it a smaccident?

    #226916

    flanl3

    SLAPSTICK THE REDS

    Literally just a bunch of communism jokes.

    #226918

    Dave

    COELIAC IN THE BREAD

    When an eager-to-impress Rimmer invites his boss over for dinner, he makes sure to prepare a gluten-free menu to account for his superior’s coeliac disease. But when a drunken Lister interferes with the cloches and substitutes every single dish for a loaf of bread, a red-faced Rimmer finds himself struggling to concoct at the last minute a three-course meal that won’t lead his line manager to experience violent bouts of nausea and vomiting. The resultant farce is resolved when Snacky pushes everyone down a lift shaft.

    #226919

    Dollar Pound

    BEYOND A JOKING APART VHS

    rifling through salvage, kryten’s junky half brother finds not just an old vhs of joking apart starring robert bathurst and fiona gillies, but also a badly soiled ghostwatch vid.

    #226920

    Dollar Pound

    POLYELK: SNACKWARDS II

    returning to the parallel universe where drinks are snacks and snacks are drinks, lister enjoys an ale and steak pie-nt

    #226921

    Dollar Pound

    SNACKMEN OF THE APSNACKOLYPSE

    snacky’s snackdrive is infected by an ‘elk virus’ which means kryten has to sit on the spatula on his head to download the virus into a nanobotic ar suite in his anus. in the game he is a drunk sherif in his anus.

    #226955

    bloodteller

    DEAR DAVE- Lister opens a letter he thinks is adressed to him but it’s actually for former Get Your Own Back presenter, voice of the Smarties in Smarties Meltdown (PS2), and Dimension Jump host, Dave Benson-Phillips. He throws the letter away

    Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kryten listen to “Boris the Spider” by The Who and declare it recommendable

    #226956

    Dave

    BEAR DAVE

    Lister gets turned into a bear by the DNA machine.

    #226957

    cwickham

    CLEAR DAVE

    Lister becomes all transparent.

    #226962

    flanl3

    QUEEabut DAVE

    Lister joins the crew of the Enconium. Unfortunately for him, there is a new rule that everyone on board has to be homosexual, and he tries to ask whether that’s a criticism of straight people except that’s a criticism too so he gets sent to the Enconium’s gay room and all the gays zap him with a gay ray and he’s gay now and the gays want to do that to you too kids better steer clear

    Meanwhile, Kryten bags himself a prison bitch, but was it an accident?

    #226963

    flanl3

    The fuck is autocorrect doing changing queer to queeabut?

    #226967

    Dave

    QUEEabut

    Red Dwarf is taken over by a strict new computer called QUEEabut who makes the crew work and exercise to the point of exhaustion to earn their keep. Lister is disappointed to receive dinner of a PEabut on toast in return. But it turns out that all along it was a prank by HOLLabut.

    #226974

    bloodteller

    NEAR DAVE- kryten stands a bit too close to lister

    meanwhile rimmer gets decapitated in a bin

    #226976

    Dave

    AUSTERE DAVE

    Lister does an impression of Rimmer’s mum.

    #226977

    bloodteller

    FEAR DAVE- lister goes absolutely mental after the curry supplies run out again. kryten and cat are cowering in fear of him but luckily a knight escapes from the AR machine and horribly murders lister, leaving blood absolutely all over bloody fucking everything. kryten cleans it up disapprovingly

    meanwhile captain hollister buys some JNCOs, with dire consequences

    #226978

    bloodteller

    SPEARMINT DAVE- lister brushes his teeth to an excessive degree and the fluoride fucks up his teeth. now its up to Kryten And The Boys to do experimental dental surgery on lister. luckily a dentist escapes from the AR machine and manages to fix up the teeth before Kryten And The Boys do any more damage.

    meanwhile cat tries to use red dwarf’s internet services to look at sick shit (yes they do have internet on red dwarf, they mention it in XI) but trouble is a-brewing when he forgets to delete his search history

    #226979

    Dave

    RAM SCOOP

    Rimmer starts a ship newspaper and is delighted when he discovers that a male sheep is alive somewhere in the cargo decks, making it his first front-page story.

    #227031

    Katydid

    ACE HOLE

    Ace Rimmer competes against Snacky in a game of miniature golf for the title of King of Space. Meanwhile, Lister writes his senior thesis on Rimmer’s twatitude.

    #227033

    bloodteller

    BACK TO PERTH- kryten decides to quit his red dwarf gig and go back to western australia

    meanwhile rimmer discovers that legally the south pole doesnt belong to any country and so he starts selling off sections of its land to unsuspecting land lords

    #227052

    Katydid

    BLADE TO EARTH

    A bunch of G&Ters insist you can’t follow Back to Earth without watching Blade Runner first, even though the only difference it makes is being able to spot which bits are also homages to the film.

    #227053

    bloodteller

    SCLERA DAVE- dave benson phillips eye goes all red and he nips down to Boots to get some ointment. unfortunately he accidentally gets vicks vaporub and squirts it directly into his eye which is unsurprisingly rather painful and it just makes his eye redder. he squirts it in the other one too so that at least he will match. unfortunately this also has the side effect of making him look absolutely fucking insane

    meanwhile lister escapes from the AR machine and goes around punching waitresses until Big Meat subdues him

    #227054

    bloodteller

    GRIER DAVE (ALAN)- the famous In Living Colour star gets his names the wrong way round

    meanwhile lister fights some more waitresses but actually gets arrested this time, thank god

    #227057

    Pete Part Three

    HACK TO EARTH

    A bunch of G+Ters insist that Back to Earth is a pile of wank, and the pointless Blade Runner references don’t help matters and simply draw attention to themselves, while failing to serve the story or Red Dwarf as a whole in any meaningful way.

    #227061

    flanl3

    ME:

    One person’s weak answer to the question “who likes Back to Earth?”

    #227062

    Ben Paddon

    Oh good, I’ve always wanted to be on the show.

    #227065

    flanl3

    ME TOO:

    Ben Paddon speaks up as well.

    #227066

    Katydid

    Me3

    After responding to “me too” with “me three”, Lister is beaten to death with police batons.

    #227067

    Katydid

    IDENTITY WHIPPIN’

    Low Rimmer stars in his very own episode! A naughty waiter must be shown the error of his ways when he delivers the tomato soup cold, so Low Rimmer kidnaps the waiter and chains him in a dungeon to whip him within an inch of his life. Hilarity ensues when it turns out that’s not all he was planning to do.

    #227068

    Katydid

    XIII

    It’s all CG now. Yeah, seems like we should’ve done that three years ago. Live and learn.

    #227069

    flanl3

    Series XIII Episode 1:

    Rimmer’s glad to be back in his own universe. Something’s a little off, though: everybody’s being nice to him, even Cat. Instead of the usual “Hey let’s put Rimmer in a dangerous situation” jokes he instead makes jokes about staying behind so Rimmer can go on. This is all just a bit weird, so he takes a stroll through sone of the engine decks. Suddenly, he sees a massive container marked “SAMSARA”. It hits him: this isn’t his universe. Here, the Samsara wasn’t reprogrammed, rather it crashed in a horrible accident on the same moon, so the crew had decided to pick up the good drive and try it, only once they had it they couldn’t get rid of else it would punish them. Now Rimmer has to make a choice about whether he wants to stay or leave, and if he’s nice enough, will the karma drive alter reality so that he skips out to one of the universes he’s trying to find where he isn’t a failure?

    #227071

    Dave

    Series XIII episode 2:

    Kryten invents a new way to travel between parallel universes and meet alternate versions of the crew, and everyone acts really surprised and interested and they weirdly don’t mention the Quantum Skipper or Ace Rimmer even though it’s all basically the same idea in a slightly different way.

    #227073

    cwickham

    THE LOST ADVENTURE

    All the cutscenes from Red Dwarf XI: The Game are pasted together to make an episode because someone saw they did a similar thing with the Futurama console game.

    #227103

    Dave

    SALOONED

    When Rimmer and Lister accidentally crash Starbug on a snow planet, they decide to kill time while waiting to be rescued by Cat and Kryten, by booting up the AR machine and spending time in the bar from ‘Streets of Laredo’.

    “The world loves a bar steward!”, declares Rimmer as he orders a dry white wine and a Perrier, before regaling Bear-Strangler McGee with tales of Rimmer’s past life as Alexander the Great’s chief eunuch. Meanwhile, Lister must stave off starvation by choosing between the only food remaining in the saloon: a pot noodle or a bowl of raw coffee.

    Luckily, the whole thing is resolved when the Sheriff bursts through the door and shouts: “THE BLOOO MIDGERT IS LOW-DERRRRDD”.

    #227114

    Ridley

    YOU²BUD

    After Cat does a funny but stupid cute thing, Lister uploads it to the Outernet. Rimmer steals the footage for himself and precedes to upload dozens of versions as he correct his captions, adds more ads as well as links to his other videos which are just redirects to previous copies of the file he won’t delete for the views.

    Also Kryten has a camera in his urethra or something.

    #227115

    Pete Part Three

    Red Dwarf XXX : A Space Orgy

    The crew has a mass gangbang. Again. Cuh!

    #227116

    Pete Part Three

    Ballooned

    Kryten develops some more old photographs and is shocked to discover he has put on weight over the past 30 years. But was it an accident or just because he ate some pies?

    #227117

    Dave

    THANKS FOR DE EMMONY

    The cast and crew of Red Dwarf write a nice letter to Andy de Emmony to thank him for stepping in and directing Series VI.

    #227118

    Pete Part Three

    Region

    Chris Barrie does his funny voices. Certain fans point out that his Lister impersonation is just a generic scouse accent.

    #227120

    bloodteller

    THANKS FOR BALAMORY- the crew use the time leap machine to travel back and thank the cast of cbeebies show “balamory” for creating an entertaining and wholesome show for kids. unfortunately kryten gets into a spat with archie the inventor regarding his dubious “robots” and lister nicks all of pc plum’s custard creams

    meanwhile rimmer screams in anguish

    #227140

    flanl3

    LONELIER HOODS…

    Rimmer is getting bored on Red Dwarf, so he joins the KKK. He then realizes that this leaves him with no friends on the ship. He decides to remain a member of the Klan but also decides to start arranging his living space for good health and optimal energy. Remember…

    “Lonelier Hoods Try Feng”

    *credits roll*

    *credits pause*

    “Shui”

    *credits play*

    #227152

    si

    It’s threads like this that ‘mark all as read’ buttons were made for.

    #227153

    Dave

    BACK IN THE ‘READ’

    When a Ganymede & Titan forum poster decides to mark all the posts in the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread as ‘read’ without actually reading them, he misses out on some hilarious nuggets of comedy gold. Albeit hidden among a vast majority of old shite.

    #227154

    Dollar Pound

    BACK IN THE WED

    kryten introduces his new invention: a time machine. he acts like he came up with the whole idea and not h g wells. he convinces the crew to try and travel back in time to last thurs but his hands are too big to operate the controls because they have grown even more since he made the machine and he sends them back a day too early

    #227155

    Pete Part Three

    Sirens

    Si decides to stop reading the “Ideas for an Episode” thread but, in doing so, is oblivious to a pun on his name.

    #227156

    Pete Part Three

    Si-scan

    Si decides that, instead of reading the “Ideas for an Episode” thread, he will just have a skim through now and again instead. Which is nice.

    #227157

    Dave

    BAP IN THE BREAD

    Lister hollows out a loaf of brown bread so that he can hide the last white bap on Red Dwarf inside, to stop anyone else from eating it. With hilarious consequences.

    #227158

    Dave

    CRAP IN THE THREAD

    Si gives his opinion on the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread.

    #227159

    cwickham

    TIME-SI-S

    Some time passes before Si next reads the “Idea for an episode” thread.

    #227160

    Ridley

    SIDEA NOT FOR AN EPISODE

    Has one anyway.

    #227161

    Pete Part Three

    Si Mention Bump

    References to Si increase in the “Idea For An Episode” thread, when he denounces the thread as a waste of time,

    #227162

    flanl3

    CON-SI-DENCE ANS DAVE-ANOIA

    A forum user is certain that he’s not missing out on anything by not reading this thread, while another worries that they could miss out on occasional good posts by not reading it.

    #227163

    Dave

    KRY-SI-S

    Si gets upset and starts to weep when everyone in the thread won’t leave him alone.

    #227165

    Pete Part Three

    Sicolonia

    Si escapes to Mexico to be free of crap puns and shit threads.

    #227167

    bloodteller

    SI-TE HOLE- the “idea for an episode” thread gets so big that it rips a hole in si’s trousers, causing him to have to locate another pair of levi jeans.

    meanwhile kryten tries to take up origami but his bulky and jerky metallic fingers dont have the delicacy required to make a decent-looking swan

    #227175

    Ben Paddon

    TIMEDAVE

    Owing to dodgy set top box firmware, everyone’s TVs immediately turn to Dave Ja Vu after an airing of “Timewave” and are forced to endure the episode again.

    #227178

    si

    This is a waste of time. Leave me alone! *weeps*

    #227223

    cwickham

    RESCUE MY PANTS

    Lister messes with data for the sake of an unfunny joke.

    #227226

    Dave

    JUST ICE

    Lister goes into a wine bar and is asked whether he wants ice and lemon in his Gin & Tonic.

    #227227

    cwickham

    JUST RICE

    All characters and sets in this episode are played or made from rice.

    #227228

    cwickham

    JUST MICE

    Crossover with The Clangers, with Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Cat all played by the titular mice.

    #227230

    cwickham

    JUST VICE

    Lister gets trapped in a vice.

    #227232

    Dave

    ADJUST SPICE

    Not too little, not too much…

    #227243

    Dollar Pound

    LANCE OF POWER

    a knight escapes from the ar. he has a ‘lance of power’. they defeat him using the ‘spoon of destiny’. which is real now

    #227245

    bloodteller

    JUST A SLICE-kryten is cutting up his birthday cake and he asks the cat how much of it he wants.

    #227246

    bloodteller

    DANCE OF POWER- lister and rimmer learn how to properly express their feelings through the medium of freestyle dance. they later reflect on the depth and meanings that can be conveyed through this medium and declare that dancing can indeed be very emotionally powerful

    meanwhile Kryten tries to krump but everyone thinks hes shit

    #227247

    bloodteller

    VALANCE OF POWER- rimmer comes back to the sleeping quarters one night to discover kryten has put a valance round his bed. lister is pleased at this development as it means he no longer runs the risk of accidentally witnessing rimmer having a holo-wank. lister begins to put valances round everything because theyre actually quite useful, but unfortunately this is met with much anger from the rest of the crew who now cant even see the TV because lister has only gone and put a bloody valance round it. suddenly the simulants invade but lister manages to stop them by putting a valance round them. this leads the rest of the crew to realise the true worth of valances

    #227249

    bloodteller

    STANCE OF POWER- rimmer does that fucking weird pose from Officer Rimmer for the whole episode

    #227250

    Dave

    TALENTS OF BAUER

    Everyone in the crew of Red Dwarf suddenly gets hooked on the TV series ’24’, in particular finding themselves entranced by the capabilities of the lead character.

    They are also intrigued to learn that, like many of the best TV series, it really starts to run out of steam around Series 7 when it tries to liven things up by making loads of arbitrary changes to the concept and characters.

    #227253

    Dollar Pound

    BODYVALANCE

    kryten has come up with an invention he calls a ‘bodyvalance’. the crew try to explain to him that this is basically a dress, as a valance is just a kind of dress for furniture. kryten throws tomato soup on everyone’s beds and tells them to smeg off

    #227261

    flanl3

    STANCE OF POWER II: IT’S CALLED STAND-UP MANSPREADING, I SHIT YOU NOT, SOMEBODY TAUGHT ME ABOUT THIS LIKE TWO DAYS AGO

    Self-explanatory.

    #227262

    Katydid

    DIRE DAVE

    After a Polymorph sucks out his taste, Dave claims that season six of 24 isn’t the show’s nadir. Can he be saved by an emergency dose of season 2 with Kim Bauer edited out? Meanwhile, Si decries the thread for devolving beyond what he thought previously possible.

    #227263

    Dave

    I was actually going to say Series 6 (which is clearly the case), but then it ruined the Red Dwarf comparison.

    #227268

    Ben Paddon

    BODICE OF POWER

    Phwoar, eh? etc.

    #227276

    Dave

    SIX OF THE REST

    Special double-VHS compilation of six handpicked Red Dwarf episodes: Timewave, Krytie TV, Only The Good, Back in the Red Part Three and Pete (both parts). Features an accompanying CD recording of a viewer’s anguished reaction to marathoning all six episodes, as well as a special hologram of Archie.

    #227282

    bloodteller

    SIX OF THE BREAST- an episode that is nothing but a live-action performance of that one storyboard scene from The Bodysnatcher Collection

    #227289

    Dave

    TWIX ARE THE BEST

    Special ‘remastered’ version of Bodyswap in which the Toffee Crisp is replaced through the magic of CGI with a low-res approximation of a Twix bar.

    #227298

    Dollar Pound

    TWIX2

    so four twixes then

    #227302

    Dave

    MELTBROWN

    Lister keeps a Twix in his pocket all day.

    #227306

    Dollar Pound

    TWENTYQUID

    expanoids hold rimmer hostage demanding £20 but the crew don’t have any old money. they negotiate, shelling out a valance for the casket of cronos, a broken cloche and an inflatable tie rack. rimmer is grateful but the crew explain they still don’t like him but they just wanted to stop cat making tiresome jokes about how much he hates him.

    #227307

    Dave

    THE BEGG INNING

    GELFs challenge Lister to a game of cricket.

    #227308

    Dollar Pound

    SCILLONIAN

    a timewave washes up a passanger ferry that goes to the isles of scilly. lister and rimmer fix the vending machines and kryten cleans up all the puke. the passangers are so grateful they chip in a total of twenty quid. lister throws it away because it is worthless

    #227313

    bloodteller

    THE SHINTOQUISITOR- a time travelling simulant teleports onboard red dwarf and quizzes the crew about the traditional religion of japan. rimmer and the cat are erased from history after cat misspells the name of izanami-no-mikoto and kryten gets his head crushed for no discernible reason. luckily lister manages to trick the shintoquisitor from drinking directly from the dipper during a temizu and this upsets him so much that he erases himself from history which brings everyone back i guess

    #227314

    bloodteller

    THANKS FOR THE REVERIE- rimmer’s risk stories get so dull that lister falls into a pleasant daydream about becoming a valance. lister wakes up and thanks rimmer for this as now he has realised his true purpose in life is to become a valance. unfortunately this isn’t possible

    meanwhile the cat does a tap dance with red dwarf itself

    #227315

    Dave

    COMFY VALANCE AND PARANOIA

    Lister worries that Rimmer will steal his bed.

    #227474

    Dave

    PARALLEL SPOONIVERSE

    Holly creates a dimension-jumping drive that transports the crew to a parallel world in which all cutlery is reversed. After Lister spends hours in tears of frustration trying to cut up a steak with a spoon, the crew decide it’s a rubbish parallel world and go back home.

    #227475

    Dave

    JUST THE SMUGS

    Outtakes clip show in which we get a behind-the-scenes peek at Red Dwarf cast members looking really pleased with themselves.

    #227476

    Dave

    JUST THE BEGGS

    Ill-advised spinoff series based on about three minutes of ENTANGLED.

    #227477

    bloodteller

    JUST THE BACON AND EGGS: alternate cut of skipper where listers full english breakfast is noticeably reduced

    #227479

    Dave

    JUST THE SNOWS

    Idiosyncratic commentary track for series I-VIII featuring Jon Snow and Peter Snow.

    #227480

    bloodteller

    JUST THE LEGS- horribly cropped version of the show in which the cast members can now only be seen from the waist down (like travis in that one episode of blakes 7). the sole exception to this is parallel universe where the crews opposites can only be seen from the waist up.

    #227485

    flanl3

    ONLY THE LEGS…

    Rimmer looks under the sheets in the mirror universe.

    #227486

    Warbodog

    FUN, FUN, FUN…

    The series finale of Red Dwarf brings things satisfyingly full-circle with a plot that seems random and nonsensical on the surface, until it gradually becomes clear that they’re literalising the lyrics of the theme tune, in order. For example, the bit where Kryten asks Lister why he suddenly cried out in pain and Lister says “goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes, man.”

    This fan-pleasing exercise baffles casual viewers, especially as the key lines themselves are drowned out by the riotous applause and laughter of recognition from the studio audience who are proud of themselves for getting there a full half-second ahead of the script.

    The action-packed final scene sees the crew encounter another pointless variant of hostile GELFs or Simulants whose name abbreviates to F.U.N. (i.e. “fun”). The crew go into stasis and fly back to those three suns from that shot in ‘Krysis,’ pursued by three F.U.N. ships, which they end up tricking into colliding with each of the suns. The episode ends with Lister saying “now that’s what I call ‘F.U.N., F.U.N., F.U.N. in the sun, sun, sun” and the studio audience completely lose their shit. In the background, you can just about make out Seb Patrick saying “rayyy.”

    #227487

    Dave

    JUST THE ARPEGGIOS

    Edited version of the Red Dwarf theme tune that only retains the sections with the lyrics “it’s cold outside”, “I’m all alone”, “I want to lie” and “drinking fresh”.

    #227488

    flanl3

    Peacock?

    #227491

    Pete Part Three

    Emohawk 1 : Polymorph 2

    The Emohawk and the Polymorph have a football match. The game is complicated in the first few minutes when the Emohawk scores, experiences the emotion of joy, and the Polymorph drains it from him. After that he’s a bit uninterested in the whole thing. You know, like Sunderland.

    #227492

    Pete Part Three

    Thanks for the Emmy

    Rob and Doug thank everyone for the Emmy. Then someone points out that Seth MacFarlane’s won lots of emmys, so they throw it in the bin and piss on it.

    #227493

    Dave

    THANKS FOR THANKS FOR THE MEMORY

    Fans of “Thanks For The Memory” stage a homemade remake in tribute to the original. Unfortunately it turns out to be so crap that they decide to bury the master tapes and wipe their memories of the whole affair.

    #227494

    clem

    THANKS FOR THUMB EMERY

    The crew do some mining to help out a GELF tribe who need specially designed nail files for their freakishly large pollices.

    #227495

    Pete Part Three

    Slime Tides

    In honour of Red Dwarf’s 30th Anniversary, Doug writes a special 3-parter paying tribute to the film that inspired its creation: Ghostbusters 2. Half the budget is blown on recreating the river of slime so there’s no money left for a studio audience or any jokes. When someone on G+T points out that Red Dwarf actually pre-dates Ghostbusters 2 by a year and they share no real similarities, Doug shrugs and does a face.

    #227497

    Pete Part Three

    Mmm-Carp

    The Vending Machines run out of Trout a la Creme, so the Cat develops a taste for carp. To be continued!

    #227498

    Pete Part Three

    Mmm-crap

    In part 2 of the story, the Cat has a really satisfying shit after all that carp. It’s slightly more eventful than Dear Dave.

    #227529

    Ben Paddon

    M-BOP

    Mmmbop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du, yeah-ee-yeah.

    #227536

    Dave

    OUTPUT OF TIME

    When the crew of Red Dwarf come face-to-face with their counterparts from the future, they become embroiled in a furious row over exactly what HD output format UK is broadcast by UK tv channels.

    #227537

    Dave

    ONLY THE HD…

    Rimmer goes through a portal to a parallel universe where Blu-Rays play at an slightly different rate, and as such the speed of reality itself is slightly different.

    #227538

    Dave

    QUEEHD

    Red Dwarf is taken over by an evil new computer, QueeHD, who at dinnertime only lets Lister have 1080p on toast.

    #227539

    Dave

    SEE NO iVIL

    Hitler prefers 1080i. Of course he does.

    #227540

    Pete Part Three

    Furniture Echoes

    Red Dwarf travels faster than light, and as a result, the crew start to see visions of themselves in the future. They’re mainly sofa-based.

    #227541

    Pete Part Three

    I’m sorry, Lynn. I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had.

    #227546

    Dave

    THREE END

    To celebrate Red Dwarf’s 30th anniversary, a fan watches the original assembly of The End, followed by the broadcast version, and then lines up the Remastered version afterwards too.

    #227553

    cwickham

    THREE END, PART 2

    Three separate The Ends are combined into one.

    #227559

    flanl3

    THREE END, PART 3

    Three separate Three Ends are combined into one.

    #227564

    Pete Part Three

    Idea For An Episode

    It’s Red Dwarf Unplanned! 4 actors, a studio audience and the art of improv. The cast enter the set, hoping to stumble on an idea for an episode out of thin air. Can an episode of a Red Dwarf be conjured up with no preparation and a bunch of half-formed ideas? Well, they did it with Entangled.

    #227565

    cwickham

    THREE END PART 3 SQUARED

    Three separate three separate Three Ends are combined into one.

    #227567

    Dave

    RED DWARF 9

    Three separate three ends are multiplied into one, finally putting to rest the uncertain numerical status of Back To Earth.

    #227702

    Pete Part Three

    Dave’s Anniversary Celebrations

    Kryten calculates that it’s 30 years since Lister emerged from Stasis and decides to mark the occasion with a celebration at 9pm; followed by specially filmed dedications and a new documentary about Lister’s time on the ship. However, before the celebrations can begin,some weird space thing happens and the crew are instead forced to relive 6 random adventures from their past, pausing occasionally to think about products they might buy.

    After its all over, Lister regrets that the occasion hasn’t been celebrated with as much enthusiasm as the 10th Anniversary, which was a far less impressive milestone.

    He heads to the bunkroom and switches on the lights to find Ainsley Harriot, Stephen Hawking, a couple of Daleks, Garry Bushell ,Patrick Stewart and his lawyer.

    “Happy Anniversary David Lister!” they sing.

    They’re all naked.

    #227704

    Brayds2006

    FLIBBLE’S ELEVEN

    Mr. Flibble needs cash to fund his Wisdom Tooth extraction, so he recruits a team of robbers including the likes of Pythagoras, Nicholas Lyndhurst, and that woman who eats her bun backwards in Backwards, to break into the newly-discovered Gold Reserve on Level 21. The episode’s rating was changed to PG-13 from R after production so all but one of Flibble’s Hex Murders were cut from the final product. 5.7/10 on IMDB.

    #227810

    Dax101

    POLYMORPH RESURRECTION!

    Only 5 people groan this time ;p

    #227887

    bloodteller

    VOLLEYMORPH- the polymorph is back! and this time he’s here to challenge the dwarfers to a game of volleyball. the dwarfers instantly lose when it morphs into kochanski resulting in lister suffering from an emotional breakdance

    meanwhile rjmmer learns the rules of vale-tudo, mistakenly believing it is related to valances

    #227888

    bloodteller

    BACK TO GARTH- the dwarfers get sucked through a time portal and arrive on earth in the late part of the 20th century, where they meet the really fucking weird guy out of wayne’s world.

    meanwhile rimmer learns the rules of shogi, mistakenly believing they are instructions for constructing a shoji

    #227889

    bloodteller

    JUST RICE- lister makes a bizarre order at the indian takeaway.

    meanwhile rimmer learns the rules of jenga, mistakenly believing them to be a pamphlet on refinancing your mortgage

    #227890

    bloodteller

    THANKS FOR THE RICE- listers takeaway order arrives and he thanks the deliveryman because lister is kind like that

    meanwhile rimmer learns the rules of pankration, believing them to be instructions for making some delicious pancakes. disaster ensues

    #227891

    bloodteller

    TIKKA TO RICE- lister wonders what the perfect amount of rice is to have with your curry. rimmer thinks lister has too much but lister disagrees

    meanwhile kryten learns a lesson about road safety but this is useless because theres no roads in space

    #227899

    Dave

    ROSEWOOD, MAHOGANY, TIKKA?

    Basil Fawlty offers his guest the choice between trays made of two different types of wood, or the 34th best episode of Red Dwarf.

    #227902

    Warbodog

    ETERNAL CHAMPIONS

    Realising that it’s the 20th anniversary of when they coldly wished a happy 10th anniversary to Red Dwarf, ironically defunct girl group Eternal reunites to celebrate their favourite sitcom to camera once again.

    The trio try to get Louise involved this time, but she’s too preoccupied playing Eternal Champions on her MegaDrive to care.

    #227903

    Dave

    But was it a Trident?

    #227904

    Warbodog

    ETERNAL SUNSHINE

    Eternal are sent on a dangerous mission to reignite the dying Sun with a nuclear fission bomb in 2057.

    #227920

    quinn_drummer

    Beyond Nan-archy –

    The crew board a derelict and find the lady that says “gosh” in a stasis booth. Once revived she initially appears to be a sweet old lady who just wants to look after the crew. Once it becomes clear she has a rival in Kryten she starts to run amok, trying to over throw the over bearing droid from his position of sock darning power.

    Tensions escalate, guerrilla warfare breaks out between the lady that says “gosh” and Kryten. Lister and Rimmer try to calm things down but neither side will listen. Eventually Kryten steals a tank from an AR game and blows the lady that says “gosh” to smitherines, blasting a hole in the side of the ship (and Pinewood Studios) at the same time.

    Meanwhile Cat does some Cat things.

    #227921

    flanl3

    emotional breakdance

    PARALLEL UNIVERSE II

    #227938

    Warbodog

    Sincere episode suggestions from Eddie “Badass” Davis on the TOS forum, if you’re not above bullying a 14-year-old:

    http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/forum/threads/my-suggestions-episodes-for-red-dwarf-xiii.8757/

    #227944

    quinn_drummer

    CAT HAS WORMS

    The Cat has worms. Kryten spends 26mins extracting them with a pair of kitchen tongs.

    #227965

    bloodteller

    NAANARCHY- talkie toaster gets his own set of nanobots and decides to annoy lister by making so much of his favourite bread that he wont actually be able to eat it all. lister eats all the naans anyway because he likes curry that much i guess

    meanwhile rimmer learns the art of fortune telling via tarot cards, mistakenly believing he can use this power to manipulate time and space itself. what actually happens is he just shuffles some cards around and then accidentally drops half the arcana on the floor because hes a fucking loser

    #227966

    bloodteller

    TIKKA TO BRIDE- lister likes curry so much that he marries it. unfortunately his attempts to consumate the marriage end in disaster, and he ultimately drowns to death in masala.

    meanwhile rimmer learns necromancy, believing he can use it to bring himself back to life. unfortunately it just brings the recently deceased lister back who is still covered in curry from his honeymoon escapades.

    #227986

    Dave

    NECROCRACY

    AKA ‘the one where everyone’ s learning necromancy’.

    #227987

    Dave

    XYLOPHONIA

    AKA ‘the one where everyone’s playing the xylophone’.

    #227988

    Dave

    KILLER SONY, HUH?

    AKA ‘the one where everyone gets a PS4 Pro’.

    #227989

    Dave

    CZECHOCRACY

    AKA ‘the one where everyone’s from the Czech Republic’.

    #227991

    quinn_drummer

    SLIPPER

    Rimmer goes on a journey through the multiverse to find the most comfortable slippers. When he finally does he returns home only for Cat to take a bit shit in them

    #228008

    cwickham

    DIPPER

    Rimmer gets into a swimming pool, but not completely.

    #228009

    cwickham

    QUIPPER

    Rimmer makes some cutting remarks.

    #228010

    cwickham

    RIPPER

    Rimmer travels back in time to meet Jack the Ripper. Doug asks the latter to tone it down for fear of offending people.

    #228011

    cwickham

    HIPPER

    Everyone becomes much cooler.

    #228012

    cwickham

    TIPPER

    Rimmer is nice to a waiter.

    #228013

    quinn_drummer

    ZIPPER

    Kryten has to mend a zipper on Lister’s trousers

    #228014

    Warbodog

    SHAM SURVEY

    Celeb Red Dwarf fans Sir Patrick Stewart, Noel Edmonds, Mr. Blobby and Eternal are made to complete a poll ranking all 73 episodes of Red Dwarf in exam conditions. They then have to give a short, unrehearsed speech (1-2 minutes) explaining what it is about their number one episode that they love so much, which must recognisably be about an actual episode rather than making vague generalisations or just falling over. Surprisingly, Mr. Blobby’s talk isn’t the most incoherent.

    #228015

    quinn_drummer

    KIPPER TO RIDE

    Owing to his endless bravery, kipper levels across the multiverse are running low. Ace goes on a daring mission to find the last kipper in the universe for breakfast. It goes smoothly with no unintended consequences.

    #228021

    Dave

    CROAK ME A NIPPER

    Ace Rimmer becomes a hitman who specialises in killing children.

    #228022

    Dave

    TIKKA FLUORIDE

    To aid Mr Lister’s personal hygiene, Kryten develops a curry-flavoured toothpaste.

    #228023

    Dave

    BEYOND A TOKE

    During a late-night smoking session, Lister accuses Cat of ‘bogarting’ a joint.

    #228024

    Dave

    DNR

    When Lister’s experimentation with a piece of genome-rewriting technology leads to him falling into a coma, the crew discuss whether to revive him.

    #228025

    Dave

    TODYSNATCHER

    After many years, the crew of Red Dwarf finally try and solve the mystery of what the fuck has happened to Todhunter.

    #228027

    quinn_drummer

    DRMe2

    The crew question how a copy of Rimmer’s personality disc was able to be made and stored outside the sleeping quarters when holo-discs are famed for having tight DRM management. Starting Lars Ulrich as JMCs onboard computer lawyer.

    #228028

    quinn_drummer

    TODDYSWAP

    Cat swaps his nighttime warm milk for Lister’s Hot Toddy, but was it an accident?

    #228029

    quinn_drummer

    WASTE OF TIME

    A group of fan on a forum come to the realisation they may have wasted an awful lot of time making episode based puns. It’s decided that it’s actually quite delightful waste of time because they haven’t discussed politics.

    #228030

    quinn_drummer

    BUNKYSWAP

    Lost episode that was supposed to air between series II and III detailing Lister and Rimmer’s move from their bunk to the officers quarters.

    #228031

    quinn_drummer

    TONE ME A NIPPER

    The crew find themselves in a parallel universe where they are all young children forced to enter into a body building competition.

    #228211

    Katydid

    BACK TO BIRTH

    Lister is pregnant again! Can Rimmer perform the C-section while drunk off his arse? Meanwhile, Cat and Kryten go head to head in a tap danceathon to the death.

    #228217

    quinn_drummer

    TIKKA TO HIDE

    The crew go on a curry hunt in the 22nd century but due to Spare Head Two’s unfamiliarity with the Time Drive end up in 1940s Amsterdam. After accidently exposing Anne Frank to the Nazi’s, the crew have to correct the timeline and hide her again or risk changing history forever (the only difference being a few books don’t get published and Amsterdam’s tourist industry is affected ever so slightly slightly by a lack of major tourist attraction)

    #228271

    bloodteller

    THE WEEKEND- lister and rimmer spend their sunday watching the obscure vic and bob show “the weekenders” which inspires lister to set up his own alan ladd memorial heel bar

    meanwhile kryten eats some cheezits

    #228287

    quinn_drummer

    TWENTYCONIA

    After a particularly heavy night, Lister wakes up to find 20 traffic cones in his bunk

    #228299

    Dollar Pound

    SKILLET

    kryten invents a quantum skillet. it looks like a normal skillet but kryten says it’s pan dimensional. when the crew are unimpressed he shows them a picture of scott bakula has been selotaped to the skillet handle. kryten heats some oil and chucks in some roughly cut shallots, propelling the crew to the most outlandish fringes of the possible: a dimension where patrick stewart has any right to comment on rd

    #228301

    bloodteller

    SMOKE ME A SKILLET- lister makes a particularly egregious breakfast order and kryten is left with the culinary dilemma of how the fuck you cook a pan.

    meanwhile rimmer falls into a bin

    #228302

    quinn_drummer

    SMOKE ME A SKULLET

    After discovering a grow den on floor 420, Lister and Cat get high and Lister decides to restyle Cats hair whilst he is sleeping

    #228322

    Dave

    FUCK ME, A SKUTTER

    Red Dwarf fans all respond in the same way when they watch the opening scene of The End: Remastered for the first time.

    #228343

    Dollar Pound

    OKRACY

    the ship is taken over by an insane okra only to be vanquished by the king of the potato people who turns out to be real

    #228354

    Dave

    SHARKMENTION JUMP

    Red Dwarf ‘jumps the shark’ in an episode in which shark-Rimmer (from a universe in which everyone is a sea creature) uses the Holly-Hop-Quantum-Skipper-Wildfire to travel to another dimension and meet our Rimmer.

    Our Rimmer immediately becomes insanely jealous at meeting another version of himself who got to be a fish.

    #228401

    bloodteller

    GUNMEN OF THE NARCOLEPSY- the crew are flying around deep space when they are suddenly attacked by rogue simulants who send kryten to sleep. the crew need him to be awake so he can make them dinner and do the laundry so they decide to travel into his dreams to make him wake up

    using the characters from an AR game lister has called “sleeps of laredo” they travel into krytens dream in which he is a sheriff who will not stop going to bed. they give him a lot of energy drinks and pro plus which makes him stay awake forever. the dwarfers then go back to the real world where they discover kryten is awake but has gone absolutely fucking mental because robots arent meant to drink red bull

    #228470

    By Jove its holmes

    Their Finest Hour:

    The Dwarfers land in 1940s Britain and meet Winston Churchill. To spice things up, Marigold Churchill survived in the RD universe and has become a nightclub singer in her early twenties called Goldie. Winston is humiliated when Goldie and Lister have sex.

    #228478

    quinn_drummer

    Confidence and Para-gliding

    Lister decides he wants to learn how to para-glide, using the vast cargo holds for space. He is a little worried that he might hurt himself until Holly gives him the confidence boost he needs.

    #228510

    Ben Saunders

    I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS STILL GOING

    #228513

    Dave

    Is that the alternate name for series XVII?

    #228517

    bloodteller

    LEGIONISER- the crew meet an ioniser that is a gestalt entity made up of all their own ionisers. it threatens to let all the knights out of the AR machines and cause mass hysteria but luckily kryten turns the ionisers off

    #228520

    quinn_drummer

    BACK TO EARTH

    The crew get home. The end.

    The beginning.

    The smeg it it.

    #228525

    Dave

    BACK TO BIRTH

    The crew spend too much time on backwards-Earth.

    #228570

    Katydid

    THE SMEG IT IS

    Or is it?

    #228571

    Dave

    THE SMEG IT ISN’T

    No.

    #228574

    Katydid

    THE SMEG IT WASN’T

    But the smeg it could be.

    #228577

    Dave

    I THE SMEG AM LISTER

    The smeg he was.

    #228579

    bloodteller

    POLYMORMON-the crew meet a mormon who is polyamorous. he is nice

    meanwhile rimmer puts bread down the toilet in a misguided attempt to assassinate talkie toaster

    meanwhile lister befriends nigel. he is nice too

    #228580

    bloodteller

    EVERY ONLY THE DOG GOOD…- doug naylor realises that the mess he has left Only The Good… in means that the episode now tries to coin two shit catchphrases in the course of a minute. he combines them into one shit catchphrase and then realises he has truly fucked up what could’ve been a really good episode

    #228581

    Dave

    WAITING FOR GOLD

    Rimmer becomes obsessed with alchemy and grows increasingly convinced that he can transmute base metals into gold. However, the closest he gets is synthesising a nugget of purest ‘green’, made from one of his old series III-IV outfits. Well, less of a nugget and more of a splat. A splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream…?

    #228587

    clem

    So first he does Incompetence in Timewave, then Doug rips off Rob’s idea of ripping off Blackadder.

    #228588

    clem

    THE QUEEN OF SPAIN’S BEARD

    Flashback episode in which the Rimmer brothers play their musketeers game. Arnold has hit puberty and has a bit of bumfluff.

    #228589

    Dave

    RIMMERWORD

    When Rimmer travels back in time and accidentally destroys Doctor Johnson’s dictionary manuscript, the race is on for him to remember every single word in the English language in alphabetical order and recreate the document by the next morning.

    #228603

    cwickham

    THE SMEG THAT ALMOST WASN’T BUT THEN WAS

    Fuck knows.

    #228623

    Ben Saunders

    EPIDEME

    After being seduced by a 3-million-year-old virus, Lister discovers he’s contracted a deadly STD. Later the SS Herpes is infected with a chalmydionic microbe.

    #228829

    Dave

    BACK IN THE FRONT

    After falling off the front page of G&T for a few days, the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread makes a surprise return.

    #228830

    bloodteller

    TERRORFORUM- the most menacingly lengthy G&T thread attacks the ship in this 3-page special. can red dwarf survive? yes.

    #228832

    bloodteller

    FETE PART 1- rimmer and lister are taken to the captains office after pulling yet another juvenile prank on warden ackerman. as punishment they are signed up to organise and present the annual red dwarf fete. all is going well- lister is making the decorations and rimmer has prepared some tasteful sandwiches.

    meanwhile kryten, cat, kochanski and holly are out on a canary mission when they discover a chocolate fountain which would likely be recieved very well at the fete. after some chuckle brothers-esque lifting to get it back onto the ship, it’s set up just as rimmer and lister are putting the finishing touches on the fete preparations. unfortunately kill crazy has snuck some laxatives into the chocolate fountain display….to be continued?

    #228833

    bloodteller

    FETE PART 2- the guests eat some food and shit everywhere

    #228835

    Dave

    FEET PART ONE

    Lister begins building a Marilyn Monroe droid for Kryten’s birthday.

    #228836

    Dave

    FEET PART TWO

    Kryten compliments her realistic toes and slide-back sunroof head.

    #228976

    flanl3

    HARD & SOFT

    Rimmer’s light bee malfunctions and he suddenly returns to soft-light. He has a lot of trouble getting hard again. Ha.

    #228980

    Dave

    BLUE MID-JET

    Halfway through a high-speed space flight, Lister becomes depressed.

    Depressed that his favourite spaceships are all named after Ableist slurs.

    #228981

    clem

    CYAN FAGGOT

    The crew encounter a greenish-blue ship made of pork offal.

    #228990

    bloodteller

    TIMEWIPE- kryten is sick of people moaning that the show now takes place in a more populated universe. to resolve this issue he finally uses that feature on the inquisitor’s time gauntlet that can wipe out the universe. now absolutely everyone is dead. the fans stop complaining but kryten realises now there is literally nobody left and so there’s nothing they can really make episodes about anymore. the show is cancelled a week later

    meanwhile nothing happens because the universe has been wiped out. whoops

    #228991

    bloodteller

    TIMEWIPE-PART 2: at seven thirty in the afternoon kryten is called upon to do a reprise of the shit “wipe alert” joke from nanarchy but this time it’s actually listers bum. kryten says no

    meanwhile lister does a big wet shit in his pants

    #228992

    Dollar Pound

    MEMOCRACY ELK CLOCHE

    rimmer compiles a dossier on president 523p alleging he got russian prostitutes to throw tomato soup on rimmer’s bunk, grabbed a vending machine by the logo and described the sleeping quarters as a shit hole. kryten distracts everyone by riding around on an elk with a cloche on his head.

    #228993

    Dollar Pound

    ISIS

    kryten is decapitated by isis. this obviously doesn’t present much a problem for him.

    #229006

    quinn_drummer

    ITS TO EARLY FOR THAT STAR TREK CRAP

    The USS Discovery accidentally jumps into the Red Dwarf universe. When the crew are alerted in the early hours of the morning to another ship near by Lister rolls over and dismisses the alert before going back to sleep until lunch time.

    #229020

    bloodteller

    BACK TO REAL TEA- kryten throws away that PG tips crap and brews some real tea. it is oolong tea, which is everyones fave.

    #229021

    bloodteller

    TIME FAVE- its seven thirty in the afternoon and it is once again time for kryten to brew up some of everyones favourite tea. unfortunately he accidentally spills the pot when bringing it over and all the cups break and he starts crying. luckily lister gives him a hug and they clean up the broken cups and brew a fresh pot. kryten has some of it himself this time and they are all happy that they get to enjoy the simple pleasure of a nice cup of tea with one another

    #229026

    quinn_drummer

    TIME DAVE

    Lister is alone in the bar when the automated bartender calls last orders

    #229027

    quinn_drummer

    BALANCE OF POWER

    Lister takes the vetenarian exam and learns what an iguana is.

    #229031

    flanl3

    FINE DAVE

    If you insist.

    #229033

    quinn_drummer

    WINE DAVE

    Lister sells out and goes to a wine bar.

    #229034

    Dave

    I’M DAVE

    Well, I am.

    #229035

    quinn_drummer

    DINE DAVE

    Want to go to dinner Dave?

    #229036

    Warbodog

    RHYME DAVE

    Special omnibus supercut edition release of Time Dave, Fine Dave, Wine Dave, I’m Dave & Dine Dave. Fucking interminable, but still not as bad as Timewave, ha ha.

    #229037

    Dave

    OUROBORDAVE

    Because with us going round and round in this thread, Daves can never truly become extinct.

    #229038

    Warbodog

    I’M DAVE²

    I’m also called Dave, hactually. Hi.

    #229039

    Warbodog

    DAVID’S LEAK

    The most interesting event that happened to me recently was that I pretended I was called Dave on an internet message board, although really I’m not. That gives you some idea of how truly exciting some days can be around here.

    #229040

    Warbodog

    THE LAST DAVE

    No, I am called Dave really.

    #229041

    bloodteller

    BRINEDRIVE- dave drinks the contents of a sixteenth century pickle jar and is violently sick.

    meanwhile rimmer eats something that looks kind of like food…

    #229046

    flanl3

    BRENT

    Kryten makes himself a new penis and gives it a name, but is it a flaccid Brent?

    #229047

    bloodteller

    BACK TO PERTH: the crew are hurled through a portal back to 1990s australia, where they discover joel robinson managing a hot fish shop

    meanwhile, mike nelson blows red dwarf the fuck up

    #229049

    Dollar Pound

    OUROBOWRONG

    on his death bed lister suddenly realises his whole holding pan going round and round in time theory is wrong and the human race will become extinct the second he snuffs it. meanwhile cat wins the miniature golf tornament

    #229050

    quinn_drummer

    CAN OF SPERMS

    The Cat finds Lister’s frozen ejaculate in a freezer and mistakes or for salad dressing.

    #229059

    Dave

    FUHRER ECHOES

    As Red Dwarf accelerates beyond light speed, Lister gets premonitions of meeting Hitler in Timeslides, and again in Meltdown, and again in Cured.

    #229060

    Dave

    ‘DREAM ON’ AND ‘ANGEL’

    When it’s Lister’s turn on the jukebox, he puts on two of his favourite Aerosmith songs.

    #229061

    quinn_drummer

    PARALLEL LINES

    Lister follows up how jukebox selection with his favourite Blondie album

    #229062

    Dave

    OUT OF TIME

    When Lister goes to the jukebox and ‘Radio Song’ kicks off, the crew know that ‘Losing My Religion’ isn’t far away.

    #229063

    Warbodog

    SILICANIA

    Lister gets stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift and it breaks down. To pass the time until help arrives, he improvises a Peter Andre-style ballad to her heaving bosom. She’s killed at some point, it’s Red Dwarf.

    #229064

    cwickham

    SILLYCANEIA

    Lister gets hit by a very silly cane.

    #229065

    Dave

    SILL: A KANYE

    When the crew discover Kanye West sitting on the window sill outside the sleeping quarters, Kryten immediately oh fuck it we’re just racing to get to 1500 posts and on to page four now, aren’t we?

    #229066

    quinn_drummer

    WHITE BOWL

    The Cats favourite red bowl to eat crispies out of is cracked, and he has to replace it with a white bowl. He is very upset.

    Meanwhile Kryten scrubs the wank stains from the ceiling of Lister’s bunk.

    #229067

    Dave

    TANKS FOR ANEMONE

    Rimmer takes up fishkeeping and scours Red Dwarf to try and find suitable containers for his collection of hexacorallia.

    #229068

    Dave

    GURN MEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    When Starbug is hit by a simulant virus, Kryten and his crewmates boldly try to fight it off within a simulation that requires them to contort their faces into grotesque expressions to beat Cassandra off OFAH’s dad.

    #229069

    Dave

    THE ARSED DAY

    After writing the ‘rat-arsed’ joke for Back In The Red, Doug Naylor congratulates himself by taking the rest of the day off.

    #229070

    Warbodog

    TICKLING THE INQUISITOR

    I was browsing the Idea for an episode thread one night when I saw, to my horror, the Inquisitor appear in the room.

    He walked over and glanced at the screen. “I mean, do we even need to bother with the trial?” he growled.

    “Fair enough,” I conceded.

    He was already reaching for the time gauntlet, to erase me from existence, when he read something that made him laugh, and it was something that certainly would not have happened on Red Dwarf. So, he left the gauntlet where it was and went on reading, and I think, within a few moments, he had got what the thread was, and he was laughing all the time.

    “For me,” the Inquisitor explained as he clicked through to page 2, wiping the drying tears from beneath his mask, “what made it then, and what continues to make this thread so appealing, is that it barely has anything to do with the television series that I recorded that one time, and so delightfully makes a mockery of the kind of show that I was doing.

    “I sometimes wish that we could have introduced some of that same demented obsession with puns into Red Dwarf.”

    Unfortunately, by the time he got to the dregs of page 3, his laughter became more infrequent until it tailed off completely. Now he’s started jotting down some names. We’re in big trouble.

    #229071

    bloodteller

    THE HALF-MAST DAY: lister can’t get a full erection

    meanwhile rimmer goes sailing. unfortunately there is no water in space so he just sort of dies

    #229072

    bloodteller

    THE ENDEMOL- the crew discover a space station owned by dutch broadcasting company Endemol. they open a stasis booth and discover the star of their famous show “cant cook wont cook”. they decide to beam him on board and use him as host for their upcoming cooking contest. duane dibbley is somehow found in the garbage disposal unit and so he gets in on the competition too. hilarity ensues

    meanwhile, ainsley genuinely doesn’t know that danny has switched the rice

    #229073

    Dave

    BACON THE RED: PART ONE

    When a live pig is discovered in the cargo decks, Lister immediately kills it with his bare hands and cuts it to pieces, serving up thick, bloody slices of bacon for the crew’s delectation.

    #229074

    Dave

    BEYOND A COKE

    Lister insists that the snack machines broaden their range of cola-based drinks.

    #229075

    quinn_drummer

    BRYNNERWORLD

    The crew discover a world populated entirely by Yul Brynner. Uninterested in this discovery they move on and the episode ends very abruptly

    #229077

    quinn_drummer

    CRASS ANDREA

    The crew awake an old punk from the stasis booth of a derelict ship, known as Crass Andrea owing to her always wearing a denim cut off jacket with a CRASS patch on the back.

    Her and Lister hit it off and compare their own styled clothes before jamming along to some old punk records that have been found in storage on the ship. Lister is surprisingly good, but only because punk requires you’re inability to play the guitar well.

    Rimmer starts a petition to shut down the new band owing to “noise complaints” (which unsurprisingly have been submitted by him) but Lister and Crass Andrea just spit on him, flick him off and carry on playing.

    Hurriedly towards the end of the episode, when it is apparent there is another human woman on the ship, Doug writes in an hilarious scenario where Crass Andrea trips and falls out the airlock.

    #229080

    flanl3

    but Lister and Crass Andrea just spit on him

    THREESOME: CRASS ANDREA II

    #229081

    flanl3

    KILLICRAZIA:

    The crew get abducted by a ship full of rogue Kill Crazies. Kill Crazy gets to lead a life in near-paradise, while the rest of the crew are uploaded into Kill Crazy bodies and are forced to carry out all the tasks they ever made Kill Crazy do, all while slowly turning more and more into Kill Crazy.

    #229083

    quinn_drummer

    DEER DAVE

    Upon entering an unreality picket, Lister is turned into a deer and everyone believes this has been completely normal for the past 6 years and the episode continues with a deer at the helm attempting to navigate the pockets for another 20mins. It ends abruptly and the next episode starts with Lister returned to normal with no explanation

    #229091

    quinn_drummer

    CRIMESLIDES

    The crew travel through time trying to solve a crime aboard Red Dwarf, in a cross over with Chloe Annett’s short lived series Crime Traveller. It’s a shit episode.

    #229099

    Dave

    HANKS’ FORMER ENEMY

    When Lister and Rimmer realise that they’ve had their memories of watching the Toy Story trilogy wiped, they track down Tim Allen to discover why.

    #229101

    cwickham

    CANARCHY OF WORMS

    The Cat falls in love with some nanobots.

    #229102

    Dave

    TRANSFORMER LEMONY

    When Rimmer and Lister discover that they’ve forgotten what colour Bumblebee was in the Transformers movies, they try and work it out from Cat’s vague description.

    #229103

    Dave

    BANTZ 4 THE MEMORY

    Lister saves some amusing Facebook exchanges to his computer’s permanent hard drive.

    #229105

    Dave

    STANCE FOR THE GEMINI

    Lister poses in an odd way when he goes to retrieve the time drive.

    #229127

    Ridley

    SILLY CORNEA

    Ackerman retrieves a warped piece of his missing eye. But is he a half glass full or a half glass empty kind of guy?

    #229128

    Dave

    MILKONIA

    Lister stops drinking lager and takes up milk instead.

    #229131

    quinn_drummer

    MILK-CORP

    A fleet of space faring milkmen catch up with Red Dwarf with a final demanding for 18,000 dollar pounds in unpaid milk bills. All milk on board Red Dwarf is turned invisible until they settle the invoice.

    #229133

    clem

    SKIMMER

    Rimmer makes his own cream.

    #229134

    bloodteller

    EVERY DOG’S MILK…

    The crew point out that they ran out of milk way back in “Kryten” and wonder what the hell the Cat has been drinking for the past 29 years. the crew scour Cat’s quarters on Z-Deck in the hopes of unraveling an intriguing mystery with an interesting yet comical resolution, yet are sorely disappointed when they find out he’s just been drinking Alpro Unsweetened all this time

    meanwhile, DivaDroid sends another replacement for Kryten after the failure of Hudzen10. unfortunately they make the mistake of sending him by FedEx, and so the package somehow ends up in the storage room of a Vietnamese restaurant in Wolverhampton

    #229135

    bloodteller

    WHITE WHOLE- lister buys a particular kind of milk and it is in fact, the correct colour

    #229136

    cwickham

    GIVEANDTAKEOCRACY

    An election is held to decide which of the Cat’s kidneys should be removed.

    #229137

    cwickham

    CUREDOCRACY

    An election is won by Hitler. Chillingly, this turns out to not actually be an episode of Red Dwarf, but a documentary about 1930s Germany.

    #229138

    cwickham

    PETEOCRACY

    An election is held to decide who should become Dinosaur President, but is cancelled when the only eligible voter spoils his ballot paper by shitting everywhere.

    #229139

    clem

    BACK TO EARTH PART TWOOCRACY

    Colourless green ideas sleep furiously. Meanwhile Mex and Reketrebn form a comedy double act.

    #229141

    quinn_drummer

    BACK IN THE RED TOP

    After years of drinking semi-skimmed milk and exhausting supplies, Kryten discovers several crates of skimmed milk tea in the cargo hold.

    Meanwhile, Rimmer questions how food supplies can remain fresh after 3 million years and sets up a board of food safety inspectors. Everyone ignores him and drinks the milk anyway, resulting in Lister and Cat getting diarrhea and shitting everywhere

    #229149

    Warbodog

    (OUT OF TI)ME²

    Future Starbug blasts Present Starbug out of the sky, causing the future ship to be erased from existence.

    Thanks to his practically indestructible hard light body, Present Rimmer survives the explosion, meaning his counterpart does too. However, the potential for amusing Rimmer-on-Rimmer action is quashed by Present Rimmer’s inertia sending him spinning helplessly through the endless void of space forever.

    #229150

    Warbodog

    MAN+²

    Continuing from the unresolved cliffhanger of DNA (how did they change back???), Holly attempts to turn Kryten back into a mechanoid, but accidentally turns him into another mini Robocop Lister. He joins the original mini Robocop Lister and they spend the next 27 minutes noisily and nauseatingly slurping the remains of the curry monster off the floor. It ends with them still not having changed back.

    #229152

    Warbodog

    1 1 1 ME ME ME ² ² ²

    The Cat hangs around by himself.

    #229153

    clem

    LACTOSE REALITY

    Cat realises that too much milk is what’s making him bloated and flatulent and shit everywhere, so he decides to cut down. Meanwhile Kryten loses his keys.

    #229154

    Warbodog

    ENTANGLED: SPECIAL HARROWING EDITION

    Alternate ending to Entangled that shifts the focus from Lister and Rimmer to the doomed Irene E as we accompany her out of the airlock. We watch in horror as the realisation dawns on her face and she rapidly starts to freeze and suffocate, serenaded by the mocking lyrics of the theme song.

    #229155

    Warbodog

    BEYOND A MELTDOWN

    Craig Charles is kidnapped by the Computer Rashes Boy from Smeg Outs, grown up but irreparably damaged, and put down a well.

    The Computer Rashes Boy from Smeg Outs sends down a bottle in a basket and calmly explains, “it puts the ointment on its computer rashes, or it receives sixty lashes.” Confounded, Craig Charles asks where he’s from. Things then escalate quickly.

    #229166

    Dollar Pound

    LYSTER

    the crew recieve a distressed cawl from a marooned robot called lyster. rimmer mistakes it for an anxious gazpacho and complains it’s too warm. lyster calls him an idiot and demotes him beause he turns out to also be a captain

    #229206

    Katydid

    BANKS FOR THE MEMORY

    All the banks go belly-up and money becomes useless.

    #229207

    Katydid

    TOWEKS FOR THE MEMORY

    Kryten accidentally overwrites Lister’s brain with his own. Hilarity ensues as they both mop floors in silence.

    #229209

    quinn_drummer

    BETTER THAN LIFTS

    In an attempt to get Lister healthy, Kryten tries to encourage him to use the stairs rather than the lifts as they are better for him.

    #229210

    quinn_drummer

    THANKS FOR THE LIFTS

    Travelling through an ever more populated space, the crew start to offer lifts to stranded life forms and they are all very thankful.

    #229213

    Dave

    LETDOWN

    When the crew of Red Dwarf are accidentally beamed to a planet full of self-aware waxwork historical figures, absolutely nothing of any note happens and the Dwarfers return home feeling vaguely unfulfilled.

    #229218

    cwickham

    NANOCRACY

    An election is held, but is either really small or involves everyone’s nan.

    #229222

    Pete Part Three

    STATUS TWEAK

    A forum member belatedly calls for the “Idea for an episode” thread to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Meanwhile, Cat gets worms.

    #229223

    bloodteller

    STASIS WEAKEST LINK- anne robinson is inexplicably found in one of the stasis booths. everyone initially gets along well with her until lister walks into what used to be his sleeping quarters but is now the set of an old gameshow from the 20th century. she then starts hosting a quick-fire general knowledge quiz which really pisses off the crew so they decide to turn her into a stirmaster

    #229224

    bloodteller

    STASIS BEAKER- rimmer scrunches up cups and throws them into suspended animation. and we’re not talking styrofoam here, we’re talking….what are we talking?

    #229225

    bloodteller

    STASIS SHEIKRA- the crew discover a time portal back to mid 2000s tampa, florida where they discover the famous rollercoaster invented by michael rose. they all ride it but krytens massive hands cant do up the seatbelt so he flies off at the first loop. luckily he is okay because he has nanobots which can pretty much do anything to anything else and so there is no peril at all

    #229228

    Pete Part Three

    THE CAST PAY

    Doug takes the Red Dwarf cast out for a meal to discuss dates for Series XIII, but then realises he’s forgotten his wallet. Meanwhile, the waiter pisses in the food.

    #229230

    Pete Part Three

    DEMOS AND BANGLES

    Rimmer and Kryten fall through a timehole and crash land on Earth in 1987. To make ends meet, they decide to audition as a pop rock band and support The Bangles on tour. The episode ends with the crew performing “Walk Like an Egyptian” which Alison Graham describes as “desperately unfunny”.

    #229233

    Pete Part Three

    THE BIN VISITOR

    Red Dwarf is shrunk down again and goes on another voyage of Lister’s laundry basket. Meanwhile, Doug decides to call it a day when he realises that he’s resorted to copying story ideas from Series VII now.

    #229235

    bloodteller

    DEMONS AND BAGELS- the crew are sucked through a time portal to 1990s Brooklyn, where they discover local bagel store H&H Bagels is possessed by demons. they decide this is probably one for the Ghostbusters so they ring them up and they come round and sort it out.

    as a reward for helping apprehend the demons, the owner of H&H Bagels gives them some bagels. unfortunately they’re all old and one of them inexplicably has a piece of gum stuck inside it

    #229236

    cwickham

    THE BIN VISITOR II

    The Cat visits his bins, and is then falsely accused of assault.

    #229237

    bloodteller

    THE THIN-QUISITOR

    the inquisitor is back and this time he’s seriously pissed as it transpires that someone actually went and ate the last After Eight mint thin last seen in Series I. he mercilessly interrogates the crew, trying to figure out who is impolite enough to have been the one to have devoured the tasty snack. ultimately it turns out that the crew threw it out over twenty nine years ago, after they all made the unanimous decision that absolutely nobody wanted to eat a rank old mint that had been sat around in the bottom of a supply crate for three million years

    meanwhile, the Cat eats a fortune cookie but his fortune simply tells him to fuck off

    #229238

    Dave

    SMEG INS

    Compilation of all the fluffed lines and botched special effects that still actually managed to make it into the final episodes. Including THE BLOO MID-JET IS LOW-DERD, the shit chroma key from Marooned, Lister spilling milk on the floor and all of the Dave-era Kryten technobabble scenes.

    #229240

    quinn_drummer

    THE BATTERING OF COD

    Upon completion of the chefs exam, Lister opens a fish and chip shop wherein the Cat is his best customer.

    Being a Cat, he has no money so the business quickly folds when he is unable to pay his tab.

    Meanwhile, Rimmer discovers the Garbage Podcast and binges all the episodes to the annoyance of Lister who can’t get any sleep.

    #229241

    Dave

    THE POLYMORPH FILES

    Spin-off series in which the second Polymorph escapes Red Dwarf and goes journeying across the galaxy turning into a host of amusing inanimate objects while solving mysteries.

    #229242

    quinn_drummer

    A DENT TITTY WITHIN

    Kochanski uses the time wand to give herself a boob job. After a nasty fall one of the silicon implants gets crushed, causing her boobs to look bent and lopsided. Kryten has to perform emergency surgery to correct the problem.

    #229246

    Warbodog

    THE BIN VISITOR III

    A lady puts the Cat in a bin and is publicly shamed by the tabloid press.

    #229248

    bloodteller

    POLYMER MORPH- Rimmer discover an old Aardman short where the titular character “Morph” is made out of nylon, rather than the clay he is more often assosciated with. Rimmer ponders the efficiency of routine

    Meanwhile, Lister lays alone in his bunk before his birthday. The clock hits midnight. He stares, unblinking at the ceiling. He has wasted a year.

    #229249

    Warbodog

    THANKS FOR THE MONONYM

    Minimalist one-hander starring Shend as Warden Knot, all filmed hand-held by Rocket. Time passes and something happens.

    #229260

    Katydid

    ABDUCT SUIT

    Cat’s wardrobe is stolen by a mysterious third party. Lister repeatedly asks if it could be Kochanski, to the annoyance of everyone.

    #229261

    Katydid

    STAR? NOT.

    Chris Barrie becomes depressed over his lack of current notoriety after having dominated the ’90s.

    #229262

    Katydid

    MCGOVERN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    In a time travel mishap, President Richard Nixon trips into an airlock and is sucked into space. George McGovern wins the 1972 election and ends up going to nuclear war with the Soviet Union. Can the Dwarfers restore the timeline? Or would America rather burn than deal with the embarrassment of Watergate?

    #229263

    quinn_drummer

    BEAKER TO RIDE

    In a cross over with the Muppets, the crew pick up Beaker and go on a mission to rescue the rest of the muppets gang from the clutches of the stimulants.

    The entire episode is done as puppets and it’s generally considered to have been a bad idea.

    #229264

    Katydid

    WHINE WAVE

    A supercut of Kryten’s finest VII moments. Featuring special guest YOU’RE LYING.

    #229265

    Katydid

    BEYOND A STOKE

    There are in fact six episodes of Red Dwarf VII beyond Stoke Me a Clipper, but no one has ever seen them until now. Behold this new DVD boxset of the six lost episodes of Red Dwarf VII. Features deleted scenes, and high-pitched commentary by Robert Llewellyn.

    #229266

    quinn_drummer

    BEYOND A STROKE

    Kochanski finally gives into Lister’s advances and things start to get physical. All Lister can hope is that it goes, beyond a quick stroke

    #229267

    Warbodog

    IN TIME

    The crew finally notice Lister’s distracting habit of occasionally mouthing other people’s lines while they’re saying them, and Kryten diagnoses him as a present-cog. The real-time nature of this ability makes it useless from a practical perspective, so things just carry on.

    #229268

    Warbodog

    ROB GRANT’S PETE PART 2

    Rob Grant’s long-awaited follow-up novel to Backwards is an original story that nevertheless turns out to be almost beat-for-beat identical to an episode Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander wrote in the 90s. Rob is adamant he never watched it and that it’s just a coincidence.

    Without the restrictions of a TV budget or audience taste, Rob’s free to describe Pete’s vomit and diarrhoea in gloriously vivid detail. Birdman’s death is much more gruesome and drawn-out across several chapters, Archie and the baby T-rex hilariously spit-roast the incapacitated Hollister and the Time Wand turns Lister and Cat into teenagers permanently before it’s destroyed. Everyone else is fucking dead.

    #229270

    Katydid

    GRANTS FOR THE MAMMARY

    Rob Grant’s long-awaited guest script for Series XVII explores an alternate reality where Kochanski used the time wand to get a boob job, only to hideously disfigure her innards and foam blood out of her twat for several minutes in real time, sobbing all the way.

    #229271

    Katydid

    THE EXQUISITOR

    Rimmer becomes enamored by the finer things and stsrts a wine-tasting club at Parrot’s. Lister sells out and attends. Meanwhile, Cat accidentally crushes his barbed penis after closing a book in the nude.

    #229273

    Katydid

    BACK IN THE RAPE

    Rimmer has a date tonight! Let’s hit her with the old mesmer-stare and see where the night takes us.

    #229275

    flanl3

    COLON:

    An episode shot entirely within Pete’s bowels.

    #229276

    flanl3

    COLÓN:

    lol geddit cuz it’s idea number 1492 lol

    #229277

    Katydid

    HOLLOW SHIP

    In a shocking cliffhanger, Red Dwarf is revealed to be totally hollow and filled with raw ore, which frankly seems like a better use of the space than a million different styles of bunkroom.

    #229280

    Dave

    MELDOWN

    Mel Smith guest-stars as a depressed simulant.

    #229281

    Dave

    MELTBROWN

    Kryten cooks Lister a tuna and cheese melt but leaves it in the Breville for too long.

    #229282

    Dave

    BELTDOWN

    After Lister goes on a diet and loses some weight, his trousers become loose and keep falling down at inopportune moments.

    #229283

    Dave

    METDOWN

    With the Met Office no longer operating, it has become impossible to predict the weather on Earth. But that doesn’t really matter because everyone who’s still alive is three million years away from the planet.

    #229284

    Dave

    MELTDON

    Lister finally makes good on his promise to attack Don Warrington with a holowhip.

    #229285

    Dave

    MELTDOONED

    Lister and Rimmer crash land on a planet full of waxwork celebrities and have to burn them to keep warm, while eating dog food.

    #229286

    Dave

    BACK IN THE RED – PART FOUR

    Everyone is hugely thankful that such a terrible idea could never really make it to a fourth instalment.

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