Worst lines ever

[Seb Patrick]

For reasons too tedious to go into, I decided to put myself through watching “Only The Good” yesterday.

“Talia! The nanobots must have resurrected you, too!”

Topic

[Pete Part Three]

Argggggghhh.

That’s up there with:

“Master, sir, I heard Yoda talking about midi-chlorians. I’ve been wondering…what are midi-chlorians?”

On a Red Dwarf (and non VII, VIII) note;

“What do we do, whisper “charge”, tippytoe up to them all screaming “shhh” and chloroform them with Lister’s armpits?”

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that line, aside from the fact that Chris says “Lister’s armpits” when he’s looking at Craig. As a consequence, it feels less like conversation and more overtly like scripted dialogue.

[Dave]

>There?s absolutely nothing wrong with that line, aside from the fact that Chris says ?Lister?s armpits? when he?s looking at Craig

It’s really jarring, isn’t it?

[JamesTC]

>>There?s absolutely nothing wrong with that line, aside from the fact that Chris says ?Lister?s armpits? when he?s looking at Craig

>It?s really jarring, isn?t it?

I thought the same thing when I watched it on Friday.

[Pete Part Three]

I could be wrong but I think Chris does it in another episode as well.

[Tarka Dal]

> ?Master, sir, I heard Yoda talking about midi-chlorians. I?ve been wondering?what are midi-chlorians??

Don’t say that word!

[JamesTC]

“Blue Midget is loaded”.

[Danny Stephenson]

?Blue Midget is loaded?

To be fair though. Wasn’t that Robert’s first line on Dwarf? The accent hadn’t been nailed down yet.

[JamesTC]

A deleted scene shows his first, it is a scene from ‘Bodyswap’ and available in the Bodysntcher box set, it is much worse.

[Seb Patrick]

They’re not particularly bad lines, though, just poor delivery. I was thinking more of lines that are utterly, entirely misguided in a writing sense. Like : the Talia one. Which is just a painfully horrible, glaring and out-of-place piece of plot-covering.

[Ian Symes]

*waits for John to come along to talk about “that ion storm really did her head in, man”*

[SeeYouAtThePartyRichter]

“Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska” never seems to sound like a line by the same pens that gave us “god-awful chirpy, gerbil-faced optimism”.

[Pete Part Three]

>*waits for John to come along to talk about ?that ion storm really did her head in, man?*

One of my most hateds too.

>They?re not particularly bad lines, though, just poor delivery. I was thinking more of lines that are utterly, entirely misguided in a writing sense.

*shuffles* Sorry Seb.

I can’t really think of any aside beyond “What’s an Iguana?”. Well, unless I look beyond Series 1-VI and I think we know where that will take this thread.

[ChrisM]

“We didn’t come here looking for trouble… we came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle.”
“He’s smart…”

I always feel like wincing when I hear that bit. And it isn’t because I’m sitting on the lavvie when I’m watching that episode.

Bit of toilet humor for you there.

[pfm]

Many Cat lines from VI onwards, but mostly VI. Not Danny’s fault, just the silly writing (that’s right, ‘silly’). The line from OoT I mentioned before, ‘if I had to force-feed you a refrigerator every time you did something gross you’d have to go on a fridge-free diet!’ Also, the line about Rimmer screwing up cups ‘and we’re not talking styrofoam here, we’re talking enamel!’

[JamesTC]

>Also, the line about Rimmer screwing up cups ?and we?re not talking styrofoam here, we?re talking enamel!?

I like that line but I agree the fridge free diet joke falls flat.

[pfm]

> but I agree the fridge free diet joke falls flat.

Flatter than a family of hedgehogs after a trip to Tyres R Us. Flatter than Mr Lister’s belly on ‘colonic night’. Flatter than that time Mr Rimmer’s power was so low he had to run in 2D mode. Flatter than JK Rowling’s 2010 follow-up to Harry Potter – ‘Janice Isherwood and the Paedophilic Sect of St Stephen’. Flatter than your girlfriend’s chest…once I’ve done with those juicy motherfucking titties, psyche.

[Mr Flibble]

Flatter than a joke about Oscar Wilde witticisms that’s been rolled up, dipped in lemon and jabbed into someone’s eye?

[Dave]

>I didn?t come here looking for trouble, I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle.

I love the Red Dwarf shuffle.

[Jo]

>>I didn?t come here looking for trouble, I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle.

>I love the Red Dwarf shuffle.

Same here :o)

[Anonymous]

Was never keen on the Cat’s “Deader than …” gags.

The iguana gag is awful and I’m another who squirms at the shitness of the Red Dwarf shuffle.

[Ian Symes]

“Ah look, it’s a bucket and spade!”

In the same episode as Lister being the only person on the entire ship being capable of using the Time Wand. It’s bad enough making Lister stupid all of a sudden, but it’s the massive inconsistency that takes the biscuit.

[Zombie Jim Undead]

“Put it on your head, it makes your hair stand on end”

Purely because it ruins Holly’s only good line of series 8.

[Ian Symes]

Oh yes, those ones. See also: “as if your todger with a couple of eyes on it would look like a French movie star – way too good looking”. Yes, we got it.

[Zombie Jim Undead]

Indeed.

And “I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the bonnet. I thought that was the baby at first”

And special mention to:

“Just check that chair again for me, Kryten. Just double check the chair again. Just check that chair one last time”.

Not over-explaining the joke, just over-using what was at first one of the funniest throwaway lines of the series.

[locusceruleus]

>?We didn?t come here looking for trouble? we came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle.?

I think that’s sort of endearingly pathetic. And at least he didn’t follow it up with “My name is Lister and I’m here to say…”

>Also, the line about Rimmer screwing up cups ?and we?re not talking styrofoam here, we?re talking enamel!?

Agreed, “and we’re not talking styrofoam!” would have been perfectly adequate.

[Seb Patrick]

In the same episode as Lister being the only person on the entire ship being capable of using the Time Wand. It?s bad enough making Lister stupid all of a sudden, but it?s the massive inconsistency that takes the biscuit.

Purest example of VIII’s tendency to shoehorn in jokes purely for the sake of a joke that occurred to the writers, rather than having them grow organically from the characters. I think the “bucket and spade” gag is actually, on its own, a quite inherently funny joke. It’s just not Lister at that point in time. At all. Have, for example, a scene where the Canaries are travelling on a mission and, say, Killcrazy’s doing a join-the-dots to pass the time, and it would be fine.

Now watch me fight John over the fact that that argument doesn’t apply to “What’s an iguana?”

[Zombie Jim Undead]

“I’ve no fish to embarrass you any further, I’ll just let myself trout.”

[Zombie Jim Undead]

> I think the ?bucket and spade? gag is actually, on its own, a quite inherently funny joke. It?s just not Lister at that point in time.

I dunno…I alway felt it fitted with the little vein of random stupidity in Lister that led him to read Spot the Dog books.

“What’s an Iguana?” – without opening a can of worms, I always assumed that iguanas were endangered / less known in the future…or that Lister had been away from Earth for a while and had no interest in or knowledge of its fauna.

[Pete Part Three]

It was “Ben” the dog, and bear in mind that was Rimmer’s view of Lister’s reading experience.

Lister doesn’t read books because he’s stupid, it’s because he’s bone idle.

[Zombie Jim Undead]

> It was ?Ben? the dog, and bear in mind that was Rimmer?s view of Lister?s reading experience.

Wasn’t talking about that bit. He’s reading Spot the Dog when they’re in Blue Midget waiting for Cat to arrive in his tailored spacesuit (in Kryten).

[locusceruleus]

>?I?ve no fish to embarrass you any further, I?ll just let myself trout.?

I liked that, though Robert coming back in after delivering it and blubbering was unnecessary and a dire warning of Kryten’s future.

[peas_and_corn]

>Lister doesn?t read books because he?s stupid, it?s because he?s bone idle.

He *did* learn the Cat written language pretty fast, though

“A knight escaped from the AR machine”

HUH??

[Zombie Jim Undead]

> He *did* learn the Cat written language pretty fast, though

He has an intelligent nose. Also, I think he says Holly translated it for him.

[Anonymous]

Oh no!

[locusceruleus]

>Also, I think he says Holly translated it for him.

He does.

Though not a spoken line, I nominate ‘THE SMEG IT IS’ as worst ever. I have to confess, I didn’t even understand what the fuck that was supposed to mean when I first watched it. I sat there for about 5 minutes repeating it to myself. “The…smeg…it is?”

I blame that on my mind being thoroughly numbed by the preceding half hour.

Excuse me Sir, my brain appears to have melted.

[Pete Part Three]

The Smeg? It is.

[peas_and_corn]

The, smeg, it, is:

[Seb Patrick]

?A knight escaped from the AR machine?

HUH??

Well hot dog, we have a weiner.

[locusceruleus]

I should add that I did figure it out later the same night. I believe I woke up screaming.

[Seb Patrick]

Wasn?t talking about that bit. He?s reading Spot the Dog when they?re in Blue Midget waiting for Cat to arrive in his tailored spacesuit (in Kryten).

I always thought that was a neat, ironic callback to Rimmer’s earlier “books with a dog called Ben” line, though. Whether it was ironic on Lister’s part or just the makers’, it was a nice touch.

[Zombie Jim Undead]

I always presumed it was part of Lister’s character in the earlier series – like “Would you put it back together when you’d finished with it?”

I know they were still working out the kinks and in early days he was more of a whacked-out space bum. But it’s still Listy.

[Tanya Jones]

Why WOULD Lister know what an iguana was? I’m more concerned that he evolves from a third technician to someone capable of flying Starbug…

[locusceruleus]

>Why WOULD Lister know what an iguana was? I?m more concerned that he evolves from a third technician to someone capable of flying Starbug?

Maybe you can incorporate his time spent as a hopper-taxi driver in Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Meh, I don’t know.

[Ian Symes]

I?m more concerned that he evolves from a third technician to someone capable of flying Starbug?

After four years of sitting around with nothing to do but learn things, it’s pretty plausible to me. Lister’s not thick – the only reason he’s a Third Technician is that that’s all he wants to be. The crux of his development throughout the series is him learning that as soon as he applies himself, he can achieve anything.

[Tanya Jones]

True, although we never see him being that interested. In any case, I don’t see anything wrong with the iguana line…

[JamesTC]

I find it even weirder that Cat can fly a Star Bug.

[Mr Flibble]

?A knight escaped from the AR machine?

HUH??

Futurama stole this.

[hummingbird]

>Purely because it ruins Holly?s only good line of series 8.

Holly had a good line in VIII?

[ChrisM]

>Holly had a good line in VIII?

“It’s times like this I’m glad I’m just a head.”
(Or words to that affect.)-Krytie TV

I rather liked the ‘rodent-bottomed’ gag too, terrible though it is. In fact the awfulness is part of what makes it funny to me.

[pfm]

In the new episodes they should SEE an iguana (I don’t know, they end up at Chester Zoo or something…) and Lister should be like ‘oh, so that’s an iguana’. It would be well funny.

[Author]

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