Dave’s Red Dwarf Weekends: VI/V Edits Features Posted by John Hoare on 23rd September 2012, 13:32 Welcome back. If you enjoyed my articles examining the Dave edits of Red Dwarf VIII and Red Dwarf VII, you’re in for a treat. If you didn’t… go off and have fun, now. Onto Red Dwarf VI first, then. Sadly, all episodes bar Out Of Time had at least one edit. As ever, all edits are denoted [like this]. Psirens 1) A hefty old chunk from the Psiren’s seduction of Lister: LISTER: Back off, Pete Tranter’s sister! I know what you’re after: it’s moist and pink and it’s inside my head. And that’s where it’s staying. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Oh come on, Dave. You know what you want. [You want to squeeze my buttocks together to make one juicy giant peach. LISTER: I get it. You’re trying to make me drown in my own drool. Well, it won’t work. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Don’t fight it. LISTER: Stay back, Pete Tranter’s sister. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: How long has it been since you made love to a woman? LISTER: I admit it’s been a while. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: It’s been over three million years, Dave. LISTER: I prefer to count it in Ice Ages: then it’s just four. And if you count it in leap Ice Ages, it’s hardly even one. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: That’s a long time, Dave, for a man of your drives. LISTER: that’s a long time for a Albanian shepherd who’s allergic to wool. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Kiss me. LISTER: I can’t resist you any more, Pete Tranter’s sister. PETE TRANTER’S SISTER: Your death will be exquisite. I’ll take you to the peak of ecstasy, then I’ll blow your mind.] They kiss. Some of the kiss with the Psiren is edited out as well… but the spear through Pete Tranter’s Sister is left entirely intact. The overall effect of this edit feels rather misogynistic – so all the relatively tame sex talk is a no go, but violent imagery with a woman is completely fine? How the fuck does that work? Legion 2) Yeah, ORAL SEX is out. A pity. I like it. RIMMER: I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we’re all on our toes ‘cos everyone’s aware it’s a Blue Alert situation. [LISTER: We all are on our toes. RIMMER: May I remind you all of Space Core Directive 34124? KRYTEN: 34124. “No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity”. RIMMER: Damn you both, all the way to Hades! I want to go to Blue Alert!] LISTER: OK, OK. LISTER presses a button. The “Alert” box on the wall starts to flash blue. What better way to celebrate Red Dwarf than cutting out one of the best jokes of the series, eh, Dave? (Feel free to count up how many time I use this exact phrase. I think it gets better with every use, personally.) Gunmen of the Apocalypse 3) An odd one. No, the bouncy car is not cut, despite the bouncy tent in Stoke being deemed DISGUSTING. Nor – incredibly – is the reference to the “jailbait ball girl” cut, despite plenty of less dodgy lines being snipped. No, the one edit to this stupendous half-hour of television is the removal of half an second of this shot: I had no idea why this could possibly have been cut – but @WillJTudor suggested it could be deemed an epilepsy risk, which seems as good a reason as any. Incidentally, it’s worth pointing out when Dave does something right. Here, they place the ad break just as the simulant takes out our four heroes. This is the perfect place to put it – a lovely little cliffhanger. Dare I suggest that this actually improves the viewing of the episode than just watching it in one chunk? Emohawk: Polymorph II 4) The following line, which has always sat a bit oddly with me, to be honest: LISTER: Hey wait a minute. Gelf moon bearing 356 by 121. It’s got an ocean. Can you get us there? CAT: [Does mouse shit roll?] I’ll get you there, bud. 5) The “Men! They’re all bastards!” subtitle has been blanked out, leaving just a black box. Yep, we’re back to getting rid of one of the episode’s best jokes… Rimmerworld 6) Space Corps Directives seem to get a bit of a bum deal: LISTER: We’re going in. Cut to: Mid-section. [KRYTEN: Sir, can’t you see your behaviour is totally irrational? RIMMER: In which case we can remove him from duty as per Space Corps Directive 196156. KRYTEN: 196156? Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women’s gym will be discharged without trial? Hmm, I’m sorry sir, that doesn’t quite get to the nub of the matter for me.] Sir, we have enough thistles and weeds and cultured fungus for you to scrum yourself stupid until the day you die. This foolhardy trip beggars logic. Come on, is this really worth cutting? Really? (Incidentally, the way Robert says “nub of the matter” here is one of my favourite line deliveries of the series.) 7) Speaking of bum deals… the shot of Rimmer’s BARE ARSE is also considerably shortened. Which seems rather a pity. If Frank Spencer can get away with it pre-watershed, you’d think Rimmer could. Onto Red Dwarf V, then – and things look considerably better with this series. Only two edits! Holoship 8) This isn’t even a deliberate cut – just a piece of sheer ineptitude. The ad break is placed on Commander Binks’s beam out, and… well, see below. (Apologies for the aspect ratio issue halfway through, which would not have shown up on broadcast; this is just a quick example to show the ad break issue.) Brilliant, Dave. Way to drag you out of the show. Back To Reality 9) Apart from the above, Dave did a remarkable job with Red Dwarf V. By their own low standards they have acquitted themselves. But if you’re going to edit an episode of V, why not choose what’s widely considered the best episode of Red Dwarf ever made? JAKE: Jake Bullet, Cybernautic Detective. I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority. [And if those pen-pushers up at City Hall don’t like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat asses on this mid-digit and swivel – swivel till they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon. RIMMER: On the other hand, Mr. Bullet, perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic control. And you just happen to have a rather silly macho name. JAKE: Oh yes, that’s a very good point, sir. I didn’t think of that.] DWANE: Duane Dibbley? Presumably, this was cut as Kryten sticks his robotic finger up. Brilliantly, this also ruins the later callback joke in the car park: “That’s traffic control.” Fantastic stuff. Tune in tomorrow, when I tackle Red Dwarf IV and III. SPOILER: They showed the Remastered version of Marooned. Anyone want to guess how many paragraphs I’ll wring out of that?
but @WillJTudor suggested it could be deemed an epilepsy risk, which seems as good a reason as any. I’ve never had any problems with it, which, considering the problems I’ve had, is quite something. As for the Holoship ad break…well, we did warn you. My brother’s hijacked my Sky TV today so he can watch the Formula 1,but having heard about the Marooned thing, I immediately set the timer for Dave Ja Vu and shall have a look later. As ever, John, thoroughly anal and entertaining. And the article wasn’t bad, either.
The start of part two (Nirvanah and Rimmer entering Enlightenment Bridge) wasn’t too great, either. :/
Did anybody else just notice that they unusually aired “twat it”. Must be a mistake. I’d expect that to be cut when airing at 4pm, even if it does disrupt the flow of the scene.
UKTV have always shown the remastered version of “Marooned”. I remember catching a marathon on UK Gold back in the day and being quite surprised by it.
Nice to see no one has been paying any sort of fucking attention to what they’re broadcasting for years and years.
Has it got anything to do with that added shot of the ‘bug in the ice after the credits? I can’t just think of why that shot was even put on the DVD.
There’s no ratings for TV; the BBFC are for cinema and home releases. Yes, the added shot at the end of Marooned was there so that the BBFC would re-assess it. The additional scene allowed it to be classified as a ‘new’ submission.
Did anybody else just notice that they unusually aired “twat it”. Must be a mistake. I’d expect that to be cut when airing at 4pm, even if it does disrupt the flow of the scene. The last few weeks aside, I don’t often watch RD repeats. But I do remember catching a repeat of Polymorph once where “…and twat it!” was cut. The break in flow was actually hilarious. “Let’s get out there -” (laughter) “Lister, you’re ill…”
The “Men! They’re all bastards!” subtitle has been blanked out, leaving just a black box. Which is particularly daft as that’s an instance where they could have censored it AND still actually kept the joke. All they would have needed to do would be to black out the word “bastards”, or just have it as “b______” or something. Sigh. “Let’s get out there -” (laughter) “Lister, you’re ill…” Yeah, caught that one more than once. I suppose there’s not much else that can be done with that scene, but it’s always been a jarring one.
The “Men! They’re all bastards!” subtitle has been blanked out, leaving just a black box. Which is particularly daft as that’s an instance where they could have censored it AND still actually kept the joke. All they would have needed to do would be to black out the word “bastards”, or just have it as “b______” or something. Sigh. “Let’s get out there -” (laughter) “Lister, you’re ill…” Yeah, caught that one more than once. I suppose there’s not much else that can be done with that scene, but it’s always been a jarring one. Here’s the thing about Dave’s edits. They cut where they very easily censor: Whitebar/fog blur the word bastards. “Let’s get out there & BLEEP it!” “It’s my duty, my duty as a total BLEEP!” “No officer with false teeth should attempt BLEEP BLEEP in zero gravity”. Don’t know why Dave are being coy about it. It worked well for the smeg ups videos.
In psirens lister says “Albanian shepherd who’s allergic to wool”, not Welsh. Fixed. Thanks! To make these articles even vaguely possible with the time I have, I’m having to grab the transcripts online to use for the quoting, and then correct them. Missed that one. I do spend the time watching the Dave versions and DVD versions in parallel to spot the edits, so hopefully I’m not missing any of them.
Does anyone know where the episodes UKTV broadcast are sourced from? Is it the DVDs? I suspect it’s a huge jumble of different sources, edited by different people, at entirely different times. The fact they’re showing Tikka with extremely old break bumpers, and Marooned Remastered, confirms that. (Doubt they’ve gone anywhere near the DVD masters, though – an entirely separate thing.)
Here’s the thing about Dave’s edits. They cut where they very easily censor: Whitebar/fog blur the word bastards. “Let’s get out there & BLEEP it!” “It’s my duty, my duty as a total BLEEP!” “No officer with false teeth should attempt BLEEP BLEEP in zero gravity”. Don’t know why Dave are being coy about it. It worked well for the smeg ups videos. They could – although I’ll be honest, when they’ve bleeped “bastard” on One Foot In The Grave repeats, it almost annoys me more than cutting it. It drags me RIGHT out of the show! I think Dave should just be showing Dwarf after 9pm – completely uncut. If they HAVE to show edited versions during the day due to business reasons, then it’s completely ludicrous – there’s enough other stuff they could show – but I’d mind less if the second repeat was uncut, after 9pm. Two pre-watershed repeats is a complete nonsense.
A well-timed beep can be very funny indeed, but yeah, it sits oddly when it’s part of scripted fiction. There’s also the issue that beeping relatively mild swearwords makes them sound worse than they are…
Yeah. It can even work brilliantly in fiction at times, as South Park proves – but generally not when it’s another group of people entirely removed from the original production team, doing it 10 years later… I reckon Dave could have got away with all the bastards in Red Dwarf before the watershed. Of course, “the world loves a bastard” from BITR1 may be considered a slightly special case, as it’s not said aggressively against someone, but a character smiling and referring to themselves – but still. I’d be interested to know whether they were cut as a precaution, or whether they have actually got into trouble with the word before the watershed before.
> I do spend the time watching the Dave versions and DVD versions in parallel to spot the edits, so hopefully I’m not missing any of them. Thanks for doing these btw. It’s giving the likes of me who are avoiding reviews and clips and spoilers of any kind something extra that’s Dwarf related to read and/or discuss in the run up to X.
>Just play the f****ng note. Definitely one of those occasions where the bleep is exponentially funnier than just having the swear would ever have been.
Bleeped out swears can be used to great effect and for great comedic effect, such as in The IT Crowd where Linehan seemed to choose whether the bleep or the swear word would be funnier. However, a peeve of mine is censored swearing on DVDs when the rating doesn’t reflect a need for such measures. Sometimes you even get shows that are broadcast with the swearing and then your paid for version is swear free! I recently got Archer on blu ray after watching the first series with a mate and the broadcast versions had the swears and the 18 rated blu ray which I paid £14 for had them all bleeped out! I used to buy DVDs so I could watch shows without the bleeps and now I’ve bought one only to find they’ve been put back in!
