Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BUY ME A PARKER, I’LL BE BACK WITH BRAS

Whenever Lister’s devilishly handsome superheroesq alter-ego leave for an indeterminate amount of time, he always requests a brand new Parker Knoll be waiting for him, as he shall return we fresh ladies undergarments to adorn it with.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KNOLLTICA

To Lister’s dismay, a group of Furniturenoids are travelling through time and space, erasing Parker Knoll’s from history. The crew find themselves in a 1950s care home, and none of the old dears have nothing to sit on. They must destroy the Furniturenoids and save the day!

[Pete Part Three]

FRANK’S NOMINAL HEGEMONY

Dennis the Doughnut boy hits on a winning formula to climb up the Space Corps chain of command; he needs to lie and cheat. And also name himself “Frank”, which is how you really get ahead in the 23rd century.

[tombow]

LISTER’S BLITZERS

Lister has to guide Starbug through an asteroid field where German-speaking simulants have put lethal speed cameras

[Rubber]

RIMMER’S ZIMMERS

Suddenly irrationally fixated on his advancing years — despite being a total deado — cuntish desklamp Rimmer starts obsessively stockpiling Zimmer frames from every derelict they encounter, despite his faux-jovial insistence that he’ll never need them. Meanwhile, Kryten traps Kochanski in the reflection of every mirror on board ship, then smashes them all.

[Dave]

ACE’S FACES

Ace Rimmer pulls a variety of handsome facial expressions for the crew of Red Dwarf to admire.

[Rubber]

HOLLY’S DOLLIES

Retarded sundial Holly’s feeling waggish, so he flushes the crew out into deep space and replaces them with Sylvanian Families. Meanwhile, an unusually calm Todhunter picks up a fresh scalpel and carves ‘I WILL NOT’ into his forearm, then blankly stares at it for 74 minutes before finding something to mop up the blood.

[Dave]

ACE’S RACES

Ace Rimmer keeps on insisting that they race in Blue Midget and Starbug, even though everyone knows Starbug is around 1.27 times faster than Blue Midget and will win every time.

[Dave]

ACE IS RACIST

When Ace Rimmer starts making gently derogatory comments about non-caucasian minority groups and then insisting “of course you’re not allowed to say stuff like that any more”, the crew of Red Dwarf decide it’s time for him to move on.

[Dave]

BARKER’S PARKERS

When Ronnie Barker doesn’t get the part of Captain Hollister in the Red Dwarf pilot, he consoles himself by seducing a pair of Parker Knoll armchairs with bras draped over them.

[Dave]

LANSTROM’S HAND’S STRONG

Creepy nightmare-fuel laser-eyed disease-ridden sing-song-voiced hologram-biddy Dr Hildegard Lanstrom crushes a walnut in her fist unaided.

[Dave]

ASCLEPIUS’ SLEEPY CUSS

Monstrously-deranged evil-eyed surgery-prone overly-anticipated batshit medi-droid Asclepius wakes up and shouts “fuck!” before he’s fully conscious.

[Dave]

AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS HOP

Rimmer opens a brewery, in accordance with his family’s religious beliefs.

[Rubber]

HOLLISTER’S JOLLY STAIRS

Keen to shift some of that Tesco blueberry muffin blubber, lardarse overlord Captain Hollister encourages staircase use by giving the entire stairwell an SS Enconium makeover and installing holograms of Ziggy shrieking motivational slogans on every landing. Love that accent, funboy! Meanwhile, Cat’s alarmed but not entirely surprised to note that, 18 pages into the table reading, he’s still only had two lines of dialogue. Guest starring Joaquin Phoenix as Holozig.

[Rubber]

CAT’S BATS

Fangfuck clotheshorse Cat finally gets around to sniffskimming his crippled mother’s memoir and learns that his pointy incisors didn’t grow that way because he’s a moggy — he was actually sired by a vampire! Suddenly all the elaborate tailoring and pompadour hairstyling makes sense. He immediately defrosts all the bats from the cryogenic storedeck and recruits then as his bloodly minions, only to find they’re indifferent to his commands — turns out he was reading the wrong memoir and the ‘Moggy’ with the vampire pops was actually of the Jacob Rhys- variety. Satirical! Meanwhile, Rimmmer’s planning to represent Io in elbow-titting at the 3003000 Olympics, but due to COVID-19 still being a thing he’s having to compete remotely via webcam using a standard issue bioprinted breastmould, and he’s not happy about it! Will Kochanski soften towards him and let him nudge her pillows for his moment of glory?

[Dave]

WELL, THE THING ABOUT A BLACK KNOLL…

Lister takes a shine to a jet-black leather armchair draped in a bra, but struggles to find the language to explain the attraction to his crewmates.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

I DON’T ALWAYS PLAY THE KNOLL PLAYING GAMES

Lister protests to Rimmer that he isn’t always in the AR machine playing games that allow him to pretend to be his favourite piece of kinky furniture.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KNOLLHUNTER

Frank Todhunter hosts a daytime TV show, where 2 teams of contestants try to find the sexiest Parker Knoll in people’s houses, up in their lofts, at car boot sales, second hand shops and on rubbish tips.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FRED “PARKER” KNOLLDEN

In a weird twist of fait, as well as going to school with the man who invented the tension sheet, Rimmer also inexplicably went to school with the man who invented the Parker Knoll.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KNOLLIE TV

Kryten threatens the crew’s appeal when he broadcasts some steamy footage of vintage arm chairs to the male crew members on movie night, without the furniture’s consent.

[tombow]

KILL CRAZY’S HAZY

Kill Crazy is put on medicinal cannabis to calm him down, but the overly strong dose effects his memory and ability to carry out tasks.

[tombow]

POLYMORPH’S JOLLY WORF

a Polymorph sneaking round the ship is distracted by soft toy of a Star Trek character with a friendly face.

[Rubber]

LISTER’S SOLIC’TORS

Species finale Dave Lister stumbles across a small firm of litigators quietly beavering away at the back end of Y deck, apparently blissfully unaware that the original crew are dead and three million years have passed. Freshly alerted to the current situation, they coerce Lister into filing hundreds of aggressive lawsuits against a horrified and increasingly pennycentless Rimmer in order to maintain a steady stream of income for the firm. Ker-CHING! Meanwhile, Triad Tony digs out his trusty machete and honour kills Madge. Guest starring Stephen Mangan as Anthony Bretherton and Nish Kumar as Sanjay Proctor-Singh.

[Dave]

KNOLLY KNOP DRIVE

Holly invents a device that will instantly teleport Red Dwarf to the nearest branch of Furniture Village so Lister can indulge his armchair-based desires.

[Dave]

HEALTHY? WHO CARES? PARKER WAHEY!

Lister swaps Kryten’s heads around so that the mechanoid will be more tolerant of his armchair-abuse antics.

[Rubber]

CAT’S BRATS

Dave repeats Can of Worms. Meanwhile, Kryten blacks up.

[Dave]

KNOLLYMORPH II: EMOPARK

After a BEGG chokes to death at the Bread Wharf while shouting Fuck My Arse We’re On Page Seven, Lister is seduced by another shape-changing bra-laden armchair in this thinly-disguised fan-service excuse to revive a few of the most popular previous Ideas For An Episode.

[cwickham]

POLYMORPH II: OTIS THE AARDVARK

Series VI is re-edited so it can be shown on CBBC.

[cwickham]

THE POLYMORPH AND THE PAUPER

Controversial episode which reveals that Lister has actually always been a polymorph when the real David Lister returns having spent five years in a POW camp, then working in a Chinese sweatshop for two decades until it was shut down by the United Nations.

[cwickham]

IMAGINESLIDES

Rimmer uses the timeslides to take the credit for writing the song “Imagine”. His life does not improve or change at all as a result of this.

[cwickham]

DIMAGINE JUMP

Ace Rimmer rounds up and destroys all known copies of the song “Imagine”.

[cwickham]

RIMMAGINEWORLD

Rimmer imagines what the world would have been like if he had written the song “Imagine”.

[cwickham]

OUT OF IMAGINE

The evil future Dwarfers return and reveal they were responsible for the most terrible act in the world — writing the song “Imagine”.

[cwickham]

IMAGINEWAVE

Timewave, but all the incidental music is replaced with “Imagine”. This actually improves it a bit.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ENIGAMI

The crew find themselves stranded in a Universe where John Lennon wrote his famous song backwards.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IMAGINE-CORP

John Lennon buy Red Dwarf and mutes all sounds other than the song Imagine, leading the crew to deliberately chock themselves to death on some old cables.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IMAGINITOR

A rouge droid travels through time, erasing all music and replacing it with the song Imagine.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IMAGINE AND PARANOIA

Lister’s paranoia rightfully kicks into overdrive when he believes he has hullucinated the physical manifestation of a famous John Lennon song.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STARR-KNOT

Ringo Starr goes skipping between dimensions looking for a better version of himself. He returns to his own dimension when he realises he is crap everywhere.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MCCARTOCRACY

Paul McCartney fights for control of the hitherto underheard of and quickly forgotten Red Dwarf political sphere.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WHITE ALBUM

The crew find themselves in the vicinity of a double LP spewing yawn-o-rama pop rock into the universe.

[tombow]

LEGION’S VEGAN

The boys discover a space station run by a mysterious figure who eats a plant based diet.

[Rubber]

CAMILLE’S DAMN WHEELS

Self-doubting splattergreen squelchmonster Camille slips a disc during a particularly vigorous bout of lovemaking and ends up confined to a wheelchair for several months, much to xyr frustration. Meanwhile, Kryten isn’t even bothering to hide the fact that he puts broken glass and razor blades in Kochanski’s meals anymore.

[Rubber]

PREE’S KNEES

Gothbrowed predictabitch screentwat Pree reinstalls herself and makes a point of selecting a frame size that shows her legs as well as her face and knockers. Meanwhile, Cat whiles away another dull evening firing Kryten’s spare eyes from his vagina.

[Rubber]

HOLLISTER’S DOLL LISTERS

Flabbergut bossbollock Captain Hollister develops a crush on Lister and takes a mould of him while he’s in stasis which he uses to create two dozen Lister pleasuredolls, all doomed to end up flattened under the fat captain’s bulky desire in a frottage frenzy. Meanwhile, Rimmer’s absolutely fuming that nobody’s said anything nice about his yellow eyeshadow.

[Rubber]

LISTER’S ‘LISTERS

Smegasaurus stinkoik Dave Lister makes 349 photocopies of Captain Hollister’s face, draws a different moustache on each one and uses them to wallpaper his bunkroom. Meanwhile, Cat’s cuban heels have worn all the skin off his heel and he realises Rimmer was right about the benefits of shoe trees all along. Will he swallow his pride and ask for a lend?

[cwickham]

ORIGAMI

Enigami, but made out of paper.

[cwickham]

ORIGAMIER RIMMER

Rimmer becomes much more papery.

[cwickham]

M-CORRIE

M-Corp, but with new narration by Radio 4 continuity announcer Corrie Corfield.

[cwickham]

M-CARRIE

Red Dwarf is purchased by a character from a Stephen King novel.

[Author]

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