Idea for an episode.

[cwickham]

MIRACLE ON THE 258TH PAGE

Someone’s arse actually gets fucked.

[cwickham]

THE RED DWARF HOLIDAY SPECIAL

One-off television special from December 1993 where Kryten is headed home to reunite with the crew of the Nova 5, still in total denial that they’re all dead, which was the subject of a record-breaking 34,000 complaints to the Broadcasting Standards Commission.

[cwickham]

IT’S GONNA TAKE 4,000 YEARS JUST TO TURN AROUND

Documentary on the attempt to elect a Speaker at the opening of the 118th US Congress.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

IT’S GONNA TAKE 4,000 YEARS JUST TO TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES
Special guest star Bonnie Tyler inexplicably shows up on Red Dwarf to perform her 1982 hit Total Eclipse of the Heart with Lister accompanying to do the “turn around”s, but he keeps losing his bottle as they get to the end of the first verse. Ends with Lister flushing Bonnie into space and saying “I did kill her, you know.”

[peepingsignal]

SMEGCEPTION

Ace Rimmer awakes in the cockpit of the Wildfire to discover that the smeggy version of Arnold Rimmer was just a very elaborate dream he was having. Duane Dibbley then wakes up to discover that Ace Rimmer was just a very elaborate dream HE was having. Bob Newhart then wakes up to discover that Duane Dibbley was just a very elaborate dream HE was having. The camera zooms out to reveal Tommy Westphall playing with a snowglobe. 

This episode won 19 Emmys.

[Warbodog]

MEX & MEDI-BOT ADVENTURES

Big Finish spin-off teaming up two minor characters from Red Dwarf. Mex is caught in a time warp again and tries to communicate urgent messages to Medi-bot, who isn’t very good at predicting what the next word will be!

[Warbodog]

TAIWAN TONY & MEDI-BOT ADVENTURES

Big Finish spin-off teaming up two minor characters from Red Dwarf. T.T. is moved into the medibay and Medi-bot pretends he can’t understand a word he’s saying, until Kerry Shale is shouting over himself in double-tracked racist euphony.

[Warbodog]

CUSTOMER IN CAFE & SPACE CORPS EXTERNAL ENFORCEMENT VEHICLE ADVENTURES

Challenging audio spin-off teaming up two minor characters from Red Dwarf.

[Ewing]

MUGS RETURNS
They allegedly wanted to do an episode early on where Mugs came to life and inhabited the ship. Why not do it now?

[Formica]

GIGARCHY

After chasing a signal from Earth for hundreds of years, boosted Starbug engines mean the crew are finally able to catch up to it, only to find that the gigabots have turned it into a massive fucking Red Dwarf.

[Formica]

BACK IN THE EARTH PART I

The crew fly around a restored, undersized, and rapidly expanding Earth. Nobody can figure out why it’s been built to original plans (without Seattle). The crew are held for killing JFK.

[Warbodog]

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

The gang visit Mars, where Cat is fatally run over by a NASA Rover. Kryten makes a quip about it really being the red planet now and does his Herman Munster laugh.

[Warbodog]

THERE’S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SKIN THE CAT

Lister teaches Kryten about the multiple meanings of words by swindling Cat out of money and then flaying him alive.

[Warbodog]

LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN

Cat competes in a high-stakes motor race against a GELF or something while also having to pretend to be a woman for whatever reason.

[Dave]

CATATONIC

When the Cat develops a taste for neat gin, Kryten casually offers him a mixer to combine it with.

[Dave]

CATALOG

When the Cat asks what was the worst book ever written, Holly realises that Kevin Keegan has now been surpassed by Craig Charles.

[Dave]

CAT PAIN BLACK UDDER

When the Cat contracts a mystery illness, his nipples begin to necrotise.

[Warbodog]

CATACLYSMIC

Rodon gives Cat advice about pleasuring women, but he mishears.

[Warbodog]

CAT ASTRO FEE

Cat commissions Lister to do some astroturfing for him, then refuses to pay.

[Dave]

CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF

Lister places Cat on a heated metal ceiling for the purposes of a pun.

[Ridley]

ON CAT A ROT HIN TOOF

Cat goes to see the vet version of Dentibot. A former Japanese sold– *dragged away*

[Dave]

HOMO SAPYTEN

Feature-length special based around the bombshell revelation that for all these years Kryten has just been a man in a suit pretending to be a robot.

As the Boys From The Dwarf struggle to adjust to this frankly continuity-shattering reveal, viewers begin to wonder whether the whole thing has been done to save Bobby from having to wear the costume in any future specials, a twist that proves particularly ironic when GNP fail to make any more.

[Frank Smeghammer]

THE PROMISED GLANS

Cat stuns the crew with the revelation that Lister’s member is a a sacred artefact in the Felis Sapiens religion.

So it was writ:

“Cloister pulled back the holy foreskin and revealed the promised glans. And yea, it was indeed the smeggiest helmet Frankenstein had ever seen”

The remaining minutes of the episode is just Craig Charles hanging hog in 4K

[Beryl 2]

Pete Parts 3-8

An entire series of Pete.

[cwickham]

EZOHAWK: POLYMORPH II
The Emohawk joins a mysterious organisation that aims to overthrow the Arstotzkan government, but then I realise this is probably too obscure a video game reference for anyone else to get.

[Dave]

EZOHAWK: POLYMORPH II
The Emohawk joins a mysterious organisation that aims to overthrow the Arstotzkan government, but then I realise this is probably too obscure a video game reference for anyone else to get.

[Warbodog]

UNCLE DAN ADVENTURES

Big Finish spin-off chronicling the untold tales of Lister’s adoptive uncle (or close friend of the family) and his infamously noisy ablutions. Boxset 1 includes:

1.01 ‘Desperate Dan’

1.02 ‘Silence in the Library’

1.03 ‘First Date Blues’

1.04 ‘Uncle Dan Gets Chucked Out of a Silent Retreat After He Does an Inappropriately Noisy Shit’

[cwickham]

ANGELS AND DEMONS

Owing to a hilarious mix-up, Dave accidentally airs five hours of audio drama starring Tom Baker, Louise Jameson and Nerys Hughes instead of the penultimate episode of Red Dwarf V.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Something a little upbeat for you all in light of the happy news (unfortunately I won’t be able to do the photo editing to my usual standard as my PC just died again)

[cwickham]

THE LAST DOOM’S DAY

Multi-platform event featuring tie-in novels, audio dramas, animated YouTube series, comic books, vinyl LPs, immersive theatre experiences, escape rooms and action figures continuing the story of Hudzen 10. Abandoned at great expense when everyone remembered Hudzen 10 died at the end of his only appearance.

[Formica]

LISTER TO RED DWARF

A four-part miniseries which follows Dave Lister from his abondoment in a box in the Aigburth Arms to his enlistment on Red Dwarf.

[Frank Smeghammer]

MELTDOWN

Chris Barrie posts his longest and most detailed website update yet

[DoctorEggBastard]

Has to be something like we finally see the botanical gardens. The crew can be attacked by killer plants or something that have evolved, I don’t care, I just want to see that place.

Also how about rather than opening every episode with chit chat in the bunk room and then a problem happens… Open an episode with the alert going off and Lister running down a corridor.

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

Cappsy! DoctorEggBastard isn’t playing the game right!

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

GHOSTNOTCH

When a mysterious notch appears in the wall, Lister stakes out the sleeping quarters with a live camera crew to catch the ghost who made it in the act. Then convinced that the souls of the dead crew are trying to communicate by carving words into the wall, he attempts a séance with Kryten and the Cat to contact the spirit realm and find out what’s going on, but it turns out the entire time it was just a set up for Lister to suddenly burst out of a cupboard and surprise everybody. They all have a laugh since there never was a ghost. Meanwhile at Parrot’s Bar, Rimmer is savagely beaten by poltergeists.

[Dave]

GHOSTNOTCH

When a mysterious notch appears in the wall, Lister stakes out the sleeping quarters with a live camera crew to catch the ghost who made it in the act. Then convinced that the souls of the dead crew are trying to communicate by carving words into the wall, he attempts a séance with Kryten and the Cat to contact the spirit realm and find out what’s going on, but it turns out the entire time it was just a set up for Lister to suddenly burst out of a cupboard and surprise everybody. They all have a laugh since there never was a ghost. Meanwhile at Parrot’s Bar, Rimmer is savagely beaten by poltergeists.

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

PIPESLIDES

Lister and Rimmer move a large crate by rolling it across a series of metal pipes. Meanwhile, Snacky falls down an elevator shaft.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Snacky falls down an elevator shaft.

And now we know why he never showed up again.

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

OUT OF PIPES

The Cat tragically cannot find a blunt metal object with which to lay the smack down on Rimmer.

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

PIPESY TV

Lister finds a crawlspace under the stairs, where he discovers and is pranked by the ghost of an irritating reality TV host.

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

SKIPPER

In this crossover event, Alan Hale Jr.’s skeleton reprises his role as The Skipper from Gilligan’s Island and goes around whomping people with his hat. Meanwhile, Hougey wins at mini golf. 

[Rudolph]

GIPPER

Ronald Reagan across the multiverse.

[Moonlight🧡🤍💜]

ACEHOLE

Ace Rimmer rips a hole in the universe from dimension jumping. It exudes an intolerable air of smug gittiness, and occasionally roasts a chicken. Rimmer wants to clench it shut, but Cat wants to keep it around for style tips. Meanwhile, Lister teaches Kryten tap dancing.

[Jonathan Capps]

Cappsy! DoctorEggBastard isn’t playing the game right!

There’s nothing else to do than delete the whole thread, then.

[cwickham]

ACE OF SPADES HOLE

Lister puts some albums in a big hole.

[cwickham]

CASE HOLE

Lister calls Cabinet Secretary Simon Case a rude name.

[cwickham]

FACE HOLE

Alternative title for the final episode of the fourth season of Breaking Bad.

[cwickham]

HASTE HOLE

Lister digs a hole really quickly.

[cwickham]

CHASTE HOLE

Lister makes a porn film.

[cwickham]

RACE HOLE

Doug Naylor’s latest follow-up to Timewave.

[Author]

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