Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

ACE FACE HOLE

A mod gang leader played by special guest star Sting makes a surprise appearance as a bellboy.

[cwickham]

MACE HOLE

Rimmer is so annoying he gets maced, but not where you might expect.

[cwickham]

BLACK LACE HOLE

The start of a rejected Colin Sell insult from I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue.

[Moonlight]

RACEWAVE

Rimmer presents his slideshow arguing that The Great Replacement is happening. Meanwhile, Lister claims to be white.

[Moonlight]

BASSHOLE

Cat learns to play the bass guitar, leading Lister to become jealous of his actual skill. Meanwhile, Rimmer accidentally gets crushed in the elevator shaft trying to repair the lift.

[Moonlight]

JAZZHOLE

A three-way sequel to Basshole, Racewave and Pete Part II in which a group of unconvincing dinosaurs form a jazz quarter with Lister and the Cat, causing Rimmer to fear they’re erasing forms of non-degenerate music. Meanwhile, Kryten is driven insane by the constant referencing of the “Om” song as if every time is the first time it’s come up since Timeslides. Finally, the dinosaurs shit all over Lister and the Cat and steal their equipment while they’re blinded with feces.

[Formica]

MICROWAVE

The ship gets hit by a microwave, which makes everything very tiny. I think.

[loadoftottnumb]

With everything hot on the inside and cold outside (no kind of atmosphere etc) 

[Dave]

WIFEWAVE

The Future Kochanski from Stasis Leak, Sabrina Mulholland Jjones and Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech all turn up on Starbug at once and Lister has to cook them each anniversary dinners without the others finding out. 

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T SEE RUN FOR YOUR WIFEWAVE

Oh you get the idea.

[Formica]

THE WAVE

The gang have to choreograph the popular sports cheer so the angry liberals on the SS Woke don’t cancel them on Twitter!!!!!!

[Formica]

WALKIE TOASTER

Cutaway episode in which Talkie Toaster has made himself arms and legs, meaning he can move now. He travels the galaxy in a timebending action-packed genocidal adventure in search of a single person who wants some goddamn toast.

[Formica]

ARMOBOROS

Talkie wonders where his arms came from, so he travels back in time to make them for himself, that way the toaster race will never go exwalkt.

[Moonlight]

THE WAVE
The gang have to choreograph the popular sports cheer so the angry liberals on the SS Woke don’t cancel them on Twitter!!!!!!

SS WOKE (Also known in certain regions as Timewave)

A gay spaceship where nobody wants to work anymore devolves into chaos because nobody can take a joke with no less than three disparate uses of the n-word.

[cwickham]

SCHOFESLIDES

Alternate version of the scene in Timeslides where a recast Rimmer creeps around a boys’ dormitory in the middle of the night, which later turns out to be actual CCTV footage from a boarding school circa 1989.

[cwickham]

BARRIEHEIMER

Double feature of a film about a theoretical physicist and the entire first series of A Prince Among Men.

[Moonlight]

BACK FROM THE DEAD

Cwikham revives the thread. There is assorted grumbling from the other forum goers.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

RED DWARF X

Elon Musk sues GNP

[Moonlight]

RED DWARF X

Chris Carter sues GNP.

[Asclepius]

Doug’s one episode short for RD XIV. Having given Kryten a chance to write an episode in VII, he now turns to Chris.

[INT. RED DWARF – CORRIDOR – DAY]

CAT is strutting down the corridor, posing in front of every reflective surface he passes. LISTER is lounging against the wall, holding a can of Hooch.

LISTER: (calling out) Hey, Rimmer! Check this out! I’ve just discovered a new way to combine pizza and beer. It’s like the ultimate taste explosion!

RIMMER walks in, looking disheveled, with a crazed glint in his eyes. He’s holding a stack of papers covered in bizarre diagrams and scribbled notes.

RIMMER: (whispering) Shh! Lister, do you have any idea what’s really going on here? The entire ship is a pawn in a galactic game of chess played by sentient vending machines!

LISTER: (confused) What? Rimmer, are you on about those conspiracy theories again?

RIMMER: (excited) Conspiracy theories? These are the undeniable truths that have been hidden from us by the Powers That Be! The vending machines are the puppet masters pulling our strings!

CAT: (rolling his eyes) Oh, smeg off, Rimmer! Nobody cares about your loony theories.

RIMMER: (ignoring Cat) Just look at these patterns, these connections! It’s all there in the vending machine purchase records. They’re controlling the stock market with crisps and chocolate bars!

LISTER: (sighs) Rimmer, you’re losing it. Come on, let’s get some food before you start thinking the vending machines are plotting to turn us all into toothpaste.

[INT. RED DWARF – DINING AREA – LATER]

RIMMER, LISTER, and CAT are sitting at a table, eating. Rimmer is still rambling about conspiracy theories.

RIMMER: And then there’s the matter of the malfunctioning self-wiping toilet paper dispenser in the science lab. It’s a signal, Lister, a signal that the illuminati are planning to infiltrate our thoughts through our, well, you know!

LISTER: (facepalming) Rimmer, please. Can’t we just have a normal conversation for once?

CAT: Yeah, man, like about something that actually matters, such as the newest fashion trends in the universe.

RIMMER: (leaning in) But don’t you see? It’s all connected! The fashion industry is just a front for mind-controlling nanobots in our clothing!

LISTER: (exasperated) Look, Rimmer, your mind’s been addled by too much exposure to weird stuff out in deep space. You’re losing touch with reality.

RIMMER: (defiant) No, I’m waking up to the real reality, the one they don’t want us to see! I’ve seen the truth, Lister, and it’s all out there if you’d just open your eyes.

LISTER: (sighs) Fine, Rimmer. You do you. Just don’t expect us to join you on your journey to Loonyville.

[INT. RED DWARF – RIMMER’S SLEEPING QUARTERS – NIGHT]

RIMMER is alone in his quarters, surrounded by walls covered in intricate string-and-tack diagrams connecting various objects and events. He’s muttering to himself as he tries to make sense of it all.

RIMMER: (whispering) The coffee machine uprising… the hidden messages in the curry dispenser… the secret agenda behind the vending machine’s stock rotation algorithm…

[INT. RED DWARF – OBSERVATION ROOM – NEXT DAY]

RIMMER is still engrossed in his conspiracy theories, talking to himself while staring out into space. KRYTEN enters the room.

KRYTEN: Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your recent preoccupation with these conspiracy theories. Is everything alright?

RIMMER: (excited) Kryten, you’re just in time! I’ve cracked the code, deciphered the messages! It all makes sense now!

KRYTEN: (concerned) Sir, I must remind you that these theories are based on unfounded speculations. There’s no concrete evidence to support…

RIMMER: (interrupting) Nonsense, Kryten! The evidence is everywhere, hiding in plain sight. Look at the star formations, the way the asteroids are arranged… It’s a cosmic game of Battleship, and we’re the unwitting pawns!

KRYTEN: (sighs) Very well, Sir. I’ll just be over here, oiling the mechanoid that cleans the light fixtures.

[RIMMER continues to mutter to himself, lost in his conspiracy thoughts, as Kryten goes about his duties.]

[INT. RED DWARF – COMMON ROOM – LATER]

RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, and KRYTEN are sitting around the table. Rimmer’s eyes are still wide with excitement.

RIMMER: And so, my friends, I’ve deduced that the real reason behind our existence on this ship is to serve as unwitting pawns in the grand scheme of the Galactic Vending Machine Consortium!

LISTER: (sighs) Rimmer, can we just watch some telly or something?

RIMMER: (leaning in) Oh, but that’s exactly what they want us to do, Lister! The TV signals are encrypted with subliminal messages that control our every move!

CAT: (rolls his eyes) Seriously, Rimmer, you need to take a chill pill. Or better yet, a chill drink. Bartender, get me something strong enough to erase Rimmer’s conspiracy nonsense from my brain.

KRYTEN: (to Rimmer) Sir, might I suggest engaging in an activity that might divert your attention from these far-fetched theories? Perhaps a round of jigsaw puzzles or a game of solitaire?

RIMMER: (pauses) Jigsaw puzzles… (excited) Of course! The pieces, Kryten, they’re a metaphor for the fragmented truths we’ve been denied! I must uncover the puzzle of the universe itself!

LISTER: (facepalms) Great, now he’s turning jigsaw puzzles into a conspiracy.

[The rest of the crew exchange amused glances as Rimmer dives into his new “puzzle conspiracy” theory.]

[FADE OUT]

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

[Flap Jack]

I

Lister goes on an emotional journey throughout time and space to discover who he truly is.

A

Rimmer finally gets an ‘A’ on his engineering exam, and becomes an officer legitimately for the first time. How will this affect the dynamics of the crew, in a way that isn’t just a retread of OFFICER RIMMER?

THE

The Dwarfers encounter a terrifying monster from beyond the edges of reality, who is so deadly that nobody has ever successfully described it, always being killed after saying “the… “. Will they survive? Probably not, honestly.

[Ian Symes]

[Frank Smeghammer]

The End

A legendary thread on G&T has just about run its course.

Meanwhile, Lister and Cat play testicle conkers

[tombow]

BACK IN THE BED
Red Dwarf meets Wonka’s Glass Elevator, they work together to escape some Knidds but a sip of Kryten’s victory resyc wine sends Grandpa Joe back home for recovery.

BUN-MAN OF THE APOCAYPSE 

Talkie Toaster gets a robot body and takes over Earth while becoming a baker

[Unrumble]

Poly-Morph

Everyone’s favourite plasticine pal is made solid by some weird space ray, and forms a thrupple with Lister and the Cat. 

[Moonlight]

I sincerely apologize for chickening out on the 9/11 episode I wrote and didn’t post yesterday.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

[Moonlight]

TOSSED SALAD AND SCRAMBLED SMEGS

Due to an error, in place of Red Dwarf the BBC accidentally airs the 100th episode of classic American sitcom Frasier. In an attempt to save face, Chris Barrie is brought in halfway through to live dub ad-libbed dialogue over Niles to tie the episode to Red Dwarf. The resulting program received even more complaints than Ghostwatch, in which many children were frightened by Craig Charles bursting out of a cupboard in a Halloween mask.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

It’s doubly disappointing because we’ve already had one 9/11 meme. Not on the date, mind.

The Frasier one’s a good consolation though.

[Moonlight]

It was called JET FUEL CAN’T MELT SMEG.

[Frank Smeghammer]

I don’t know you all well enough to post the Red Dwarf 9/11 memes coming to mind so I’ll just behave and not upset anyone

[Moonlight]

A SECOND STARBUG HAS HIT THE OBSERVATION DOME

After Lister drunkenly crashes another Starbug into Red Dwarf, Rimmer blames it on the coffee machine and launches a full out assault of heavily armed skutters to take over G-Deck. Unfortunately, skutters are barely functional, and have no way to fire the guns they brandish. Failing his mission (and losing 200 skutters to low battery), Rimmer reasons the crashes were an inside job by dark forces who also sabotaged his invasion, and therefore he is helpless to do anything. He reasons Lister was clearly a patsy and therefore court martialing him wouldn’t address the root of the problem, but he does it anyway.

[Frank Smeghammer]

BUSH DID 9/11
After Lister goes back to the year 2001 in search of curry supplies, he accidentally foils a terrorist plot on the World Trade Centre.
President Bush is impeached as the American public is no longer distracted enough by 9/11 to remember that he and Cheney blatantly rigged the 2000 election.
President Gore is too distracted by Climate Change to deal with the threat of Saddam who really did have WMDs after all and the US is on its knees.
Lister must convince Bush to go back in time with him to do what is necessary to restore order. It’ll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy but they’ll never figure it out!

[Dave]

WEAPONS OF MASALA DESTRUCTION

Rimmer fabricates evidence that the GELFs have sufficient technology to launch a strike on Lister’s curry supplies within 45 minutes, hoping to goad both parties into an unnecessary war.

[cwickham]

That’s basically just the plot of Aliens of London

[Moonlight]

THE WAR ON ERROR

Rimmer studies extra hard this time.

[Dave]

THE DODGY DOSSIER

When Rimmer finds out that Lister has been making a scrapbook about his favourite 1990s summer-pop-rock band, he decides to alter its contents with fabricated claims that Nigel Clark had the capability to launch an attack on Red Dwarf within 45 minutes, thus souring Lister on their legacy.

[Jonathan Capps]

MISSION ACCOMPISHED

Lister accidentally fires a planet into Iraq, killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians.

[Dave]

OPERATION INFINITE JUSTICE

Doug launches a new TV channel that plays nothing but Red Dwarf Series IV episode 3 on a constant loop.

[Moonlight]

KISSINGER? I HARDLY KNOW HER!

Rimmer goes back in time and helps Henry Kissinger carpet bomb Indochina and spray chemical weapons in the ungodly slaughter of thousands of innocents, many in neutral countries. Meanwhile, Kryten learns to tap dance.

[Jonathan Capps]

KT’s on the Kissinger memes, it must be a Thursday.

[Flap Jack]

THE CALDICOTT REPORT

Over 35 years after it began, beleaguered former Space Corps recruiter Caldicott finally publishes the results of his investigation into the radiation leak that killed between 168 and 11,168 crew members, passengers and inmates aboard the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf.

The report concludes that the tragic accident was caused by safety protocol contravening cost cutting measures, as well as the hiring of inexperienced doughnut salesman Frank “Dennis” Hollister as Captain, and accuses every member of the JMC board at the time of murderous negligence and corruption.

As a result of these seismic accusations, the report is in the top 5 news items for the entire day, and literally nothing else happens.

[Moonlight]

KT’s on the Kissinger memes, it must be a Thursday.

I’ll wake you up when I figure out a way to use the Red Dwarf universe to trash Shiro Ishii and also the United States government for letting him and his associates off without so much an execution.

[cwickham]

MADE LOVE ON THE SNOOKER TABLE, BEHIND THE SEVEN BINS

Lister lies about the number of different bins anyone has.

[Unrumble]

[cwickham]

SLAG

Taylor Swift song about the final line of Dear Dave.

[Moonlight]

SLAG

Kryten manufactures steel in a foundry.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

SLAG

A member of G1 Transformers’ Dinobots lineup makes a surprise cameo.

[cwickham]

SLAG my arse we’re on the 260th page

[Author]

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