Idea for an episode.

[Dave]

FUCK MY ARSE WE’RE (FINALLY) ON PAGE 257

The Idea For An Episode thread gets a bit of its old momentum back.

[cwickham]

Fuck my arse we’re on the two hundred and fifty-seventh page

[cwickham]

Should I post another Maths in the Red now

[Dave]

Should I post another Maths in the Red now

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

KRISTINE ADAMSKI
Kochanski achieves a No.1 hit in collaboration with Seal.

   

[cwickham]

BETTER DEAD THAN SPECTATOR

Rimmer receives praise from a contributor to a right-wing magazine.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

BETTER DEAD THAN PHIL SPECTOR

Rimmer receives praise from a disgraced former producer in the music industry who’s a bit dodgy.

[Rudolph]

BETTER DEAD THAN REV

Rimmer finally gets his own sitcom, as the world’s first dead Vicar.

[Formica]

LISTER IN KOCHANSKI
Unproduced VIII episode where Lister uses the sexual magnetism virus on Kochanski, which miraculously even the Doug Naylor of 1999 realised might be beyond the pale and had locked in a safe.

LISTER IN KOCHANSKI

After the successful IVF depicted in Ouroboros,

[cwickham]

THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE SUPPLY CLOSET ON B DECK

Unproduced 1990 Christmas special where Kryten discovers Narnia in the titular closet and it later turns out to be the result of a malfunctioning holodeck.

[cwickham]

PRINCE CHARISMA

Unproduced 1991 Christmas special where Confidence comes back and asks Lister for his help in defeating the Telmarines.

[cwickham]

THE VOYAGE TO TRIP-OUT CITY OF THE DAWN TREADER

Unproduced 1992 Christmas special where Rimmer reads a C.S. Lewis book and unwittingly eats a load of magic mushrooms.

[cwickham]

THE SILVER-ELECTED CHAIRPERSON

Unproduced 1993 Christmas special where the Polymorph comes back, but I’m not really familiar enough with the plots of the Narnia books at this point.

[cwickham]

THE HORSES AND HORSES AND HIS BOY

Unproduced 1994 Christmas special where Lister finally makes it to Fiji and learns of the Prince of Calormen’s plan to attack Archenland.

[cwickham]

THE MAGIC BAG’S NEPHEW

Unproduced 1997 Christmas special which is all Lister’s delusional dream.

[cwickham]

I’M ALONE IN SPACE WITH A MAN WHO’D LOSE THE LAST BATTLE WITH A STUFFED IGUANA

Unproduced 2000 Christmas special where Rimmer is denied entrance into Heaven whilst everyone else is killed horribly.

[Dave]

ARNOLD AND THE GENIE

Rowan Atkinson and Lenny Henry guest-star in this festive special in which Rimmer finds an ancient lamp and, well, you can kind of guess the rest.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

THE PROBLEM OF ARNOLD AND OTHER STORIES
Short story by Neil Gaiman in which Rimmer becomes a lecturer and poses the question to his class of why he was denied entrance into Heaven and forced to live on whilst everyone else was killed horribly. And then everyone is killed horribly but it’s a dream? Idk I never read any Neil Gaiman.

[cwickham]

YOUR SAUSAGE ROLLS NOW COVER SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF THE WORLD’S SURFACE

Unproduced 2022 Christmas special where the Dwarfers make it back to Earth in time for Christmas, but decide to go back to deep space three million years in the future after discovering what the Christmas number one has been for the previous four years.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

MISTLETOE AND WINE, IT’S NEVER BEER IS IT IT’S ALWAYS WINE

Unproduced 2022 Christmas special where Lister’s bemoaning the seasonal beverage of choice is a source of tension for the Dwarfers. And then Cliff Richard shows up and sings a bit.

[peepingsignal]

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS BLUE MIDGET

Unproduced 2022 Christmas special where the Dwarfers find that famous Mariah Carey song is still charting three million years later.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STOP THE CANNARIES

The Dwarfers find Joan Lewie in stasis aboard an abandoned derelict in an unproduced series VIII Christmas special.

[Dave]

RIMMER

Melancholy Joni Mitchell Christmas number in which she bafflingly wishes she could skate away on Red Dwarf’s second technician. 

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE LAST CHRISTMAS

The crew receive word that Kryten is to be replaced with an upgrade in the form of Robotic Santa. But he’s gone insane. 

Meanwhile, Lister donates his heart to Cat, who give it to a GELF the very next day. 

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

GELFDOF

Bob Geldof appears on Red Dwarf as a GELF and spends 30mins running around shouting “give us your fucking money” whilst turning the crews pockets inside out looking for some change. 

[Unrumble]

MISTLETOE AND WINE, IT’S NEVER BEER IS IT IT’S ALWAYS WINE
Unproduced 2022 Christmas special where Lister’s bemoaning the seasonal beverage of choice is a source of tension for the Dwarfers. And then Cliff Richard shows up and sings a bit.

[peepingsignal]

RED CHRISTMAS

A big-budget adaptation of the Mobisode. Brian Blessed plays Father Christmas. Andy Serkis plays all the reindeer.

[Dave]

MISTLETOE AND WINE, IT’S NEVER BEER IS IT IT’S ALWAYS WINE
Unproduced 2022 Christmas special where Lister’s bemoaning the seasonal beverage of choice is a source of tension for the Dwarfers. And then Cliff Richard shows up and sings a bit. 

[Dave]

ONCE IN ROYAL DAVID’S CITY

Christmas special in which the other Dwarfers make Lister king for a day, and take him on a festive trip to Lunar City Seven.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

RED CHRISTMAS
A big-budget adaptation of the Mobisode. Brian Blessed plays Father Christmas. Andy Serkis plays all the reindeer.

And Lister is conspicuously not played by Craig Charles, but in fact a body double dubbed by Chris.

[Ridley]

DOES HE KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?

With Christmas just hours away, Kryten has a stroke from the stresses of the season. As the mech is the only one who gives sincere presents, the Dwarfers upload themselves into Kryten’s brain to restore his shattered memory. Their efforts are soon complicated by the Divadroid Premium sub trial running out, so they are then forced to navigate a gauntlet of unskippable ads in that shonky Smyths animation style.

After the crew learn the true meaning of Christmas, Kryten is euthanised with a Paw Patrol backpack.

[Unrumble]

euthanised with a Paw Patrol backpack.

This was even more unexpected than ice-skating mongooses dancing the Bolero 

[Warbodog]

RED DWARF: EXISTENCE GIRLS

Perv-pandering spin-off reimagining the sexy horses from Gunmen of the Apocalypse as high school girls.

[cwickham]

SMEGGY CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Unproduced Christmas special from 1996 where Kryten falls down the garbage chute and awakens wearing an old Santa hat and beard that were among the waste, causing him to believe he is Santa Claus. Never produced as guest star Jon Pertwee died the day before filming began.

[cwickham]

THE FLIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Unproduced claymation Christmas special from 1998 where Lister drinks seventeen pints of his home-made mulled wine on Christmas Eve and crashes Starbug on a snow planet. Never produced when it was pointed out the script was just Marooned with some scenes Tippexed out.

[cwickham]

SMEGGY THE SNOWMAN
Unproduced Christmas special from 1992 where the heating on board Red Dwarf fails and snow and ice starts to form on B-Deck, then everyone has a snowman-building contest, but the DNA machine comes back and brings the snowmen to life. Not produced when it was pointed out it didn’t make sense.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE KNIGHT FROM THE AR MACHINE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

A knight from the AR machine escapes and ruins everyones Christmas. What a tosser.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CASSANTA

Christmas special in which a future seeing Santa Claus is killed by Lister.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TINSEL TO RIDE

Desperate to decorate Starbug for Christmas, Lister convinces the crew to travel back to the 20th century and buy some, inadvertently killing Santa Claus in the process.

[Dave]

SANTICA

When rogue simulant Jehovah’s Witnesses go back in time to eradicate Christmas, the Dwarfers must travel back and restore Father Christmas to his rightful place in the hearts and minds of children everywhere. Guest starring Nick Frost.

[Dave]

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Festive Brittas Empire crossover in which Ace Rimmer discovers that in another dimension he runs a leisure centre with a receptionist who needs a bit of cheering up at Christmas. 

[Dave]

GOOD PRINCE WENCESLAS

Festive Prince Among Men crossover in which Ace Rimmer discovers that in another dimension he is a footballer in a charity panto.

[Dave]

GOOD KING WENCESLAG

Alternative festive ending to Dear Dave.

[cwickham]

HERE WE COME A-SMEGGING

Unproduced Christmas special from 1990 where Lister gets really pissed. Grant Naylor claimed no knowledge of the script, leading to suspicions it was a ploy to get free drinks on the part of Craig Charles.

[Formica]

SANTASARA

The gang are baffled Christmas morning when they find that Kryten is the only one to have received a lump of coal in his stocking, the rest receiving gifts. Most generously of all, Lister has received forty years’ supply of curries, including five thousand bottles of curry sauce, seven hundred curry sandwiches, four hundred curry pastas, eighty-five hundred curry lagers, nine hundred curry toasts, four hundred curry pizzas, fifteen hundred curry teas, and a dwina curry. Suspicion heightens when the bullet-riddled body of Marlon Brando is found on G-Deck. A Kryten best guess concludes that Santa’s naughty and nice lists were reversed by Marlon Brando, knowing that Lister had to kill him, and in his kind and merciful heart he didn’t want Lister to suffer the consequences of his inevitable actions.

A post-credit scene shows Santa cackling evilly, swapping his own lists as he cocks his gun and aims it around the corner at Marlon Brando.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Wait a minute… Marlon Brando was stabbed, not shot.

[cwickham]

I’M FEELING TRAGIC LIKE I’M MARLON BRANDO

Marlon Brando meets Lister, and despairs at knowing his imminent fate.

[Dave]

THE BRANDOLORIAN

A resurrected Marlon Brando dons a metal suit and helmet and sets off across the universe to find Lister and avenge his murder.

[Flap Jack]

GIVE & RECEIVE – Lister unwraps his Christmas present from Snacky, and is surprised to see that it’s a new kidney. Lister asks where he got it from, and Snacky replies “Why, I went back in time and took it from you! It’s the only thing I know you like!”. Lister realises that’s why he’s been feeling like shit for the whole of December, and they all have a good laugh about it.

Unfortunately, Snacky didn’t store the kidney correctly, and unbeknownst to him it got infected, so Lister dies shortly after they transplant it back into him.

[cwickham]

IT’S A THIN LINE BETWEEN GIVE AND TAKE

Give & Take, but Snacky is now dubbed by Chrissie Hynde.

[Author]

Posts