Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[bloodteller]

MAC IN THE RED: the dwarfers finally get back to the ship, only to discover the nanobots have resurrected the crew. the dwarfers are arrested and punished by being forced to work on the ship’s McDonalds. things take a turn for the worse when the Captain comes in and orders 26 Spicy Chicken Legends. now its up to the dwarfers to work together as a team and complete his order to a satisfying degree before he becomes impatient

[Ben Paddon]

ONLY THE GOOF:

Lister gets the urge to watch a Disney movie, only to find that the sole entry in the film’s Disney library is the straight-to-video “An Extremely Goofy Movie”. He watches it anyway.

[Dave]

JACK IN THE MED

Celebrity food writer Jack Monroe takes a well-deserved holiday to the Mediterranean. While she is there, she idly watches some cable TV and stumbles across ‘Marooned’ dubbed into Italian. She watches it for a few minutes out of a vague interest to see what the local equivalent of ‘Pot Noodle’ is, but then switches it off once the novelty wanes. It was the original version, not Remastered.

[flanl3]

THE MIDDLE:

A family with three children – Axle Rimmer, Krysue, and Dave Brickster – has a funny life in the middle of the mining ship Heck Dwarf. This episode will only ever be shown on airplanes.

[Captain Bollocks]

BALISTEROS

Lister plays golf with planets.

[Captain Bollocks]

WHITE HOLE-IN-ONE

Lister gets better at playing golf with planets.

[Captain Bollocks]

BERNER HASELNUSSLEBKUCHEN OF THE APOCALYPSE (a/k/a CAN OF WHIRLS)

Rimmer opens his own biscuit factory.

[bloodteller]

WAITING FOR TOD: lister waits for todhunter to appear in an episode that isn’t The End.

some say he’s still waiting to this very day…

[Pete Part Three]

Can of Norms

I dunno. It’s just a pun, isn’t it?.

[bloodteller]

WHITE HYPERBOLE- lister plays pool with planets! but actually he just plays regular pool

[Rubber]

Scupper

Fairly amusing episode is so heavily hyped and spoilered by the ‘fandom’ in ahead of screening that about 20% of it actually ends up being surprising and the whole thing is inevitably a little bit of a disappointment. Meanwhile, Kochanski starts helicopter parenting Cat.

[flanl3]

TIPPER:

Rimmer is a twat and keeps leaving just 3%.

[Dave]

CROAK ME A SKIPPER

Documentary footage of N*rm** *ovet* reading his lines for the final episode of Red Dwarf XII.

[bloodteller]

HOLLYMORPH- holly returns to the ship, but keeps switching between his male and female versions. they have both become independent from one another and are fighting for control. the episode ends when jane leeves’s holly overpowers and murders both of them

meanwhile rimmer does some gardening

[Pete Part Three]

M.E²

Rimmer is diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. This is twice as worse if you happen to be dead as well. Meanwhile, Lister’s head falls off.

[bloodteller]

PLANKS FOR THE MEMORY- Lister and Rimmer are doing some DIY, when suddenly Lister accidentally drops a wooden plank onto Rimmer. It hits his head and he loses the memory of ever doing the DIY. When Rimmer wakes up, Lister feels so bad about dropping the plank on him that he lies and says Rimmer just tripped over.

However, Rimmer soon becomes suspicious when he notices that the DIY job Lister and him had been planning for ages is suddenly finished, and that Lister’s got small wood splinters on his hands. Furthermore, Lister seems increasingly uncomfortable whenever Rimmer mentions the bruise on his head…will Lister have to come clean and own up to dropping the plank?

[cwickham]

B-CORP

Red Dwarf is bought out by a swarm of killer bees. Much confusion reigns as to how this was possible before the crew are all stung to death.

[cwickham]

T-CORP

Red Dwarf is bought out by Tetley. The ship is now overflowing with figures of the Tetley Tea Folk. This episode is abruptly pulled from the airwaves mid-broadcast when it is found to be in breach of Ofcom’s guidelines about advertising.

[flanl3]

SNIPPER:

Rimmer gets a hold of a copy of Snipperclips and plays it because life on Red Dwarf is boring.

[flanl3]

KRYTEN

The crew take in a bit of a dumb droid after obsessing over some dead women and pretend to care about him before they stop caring about him once he fucks off on a year-long bike ride when suddenly they start caring about him again because he died but then he is undied by Lister, who can apparently repair mechanoids from being shattered now, except he can’t even put a DIY android together just a few months later when they really care about this mechanoid.

[Hamish]

SNIPER:

Rimmer goes up to the Observation Dome and commits mass murder.

[Dave]

SILLY CONE EAR

After a massive bender to celebrate Kryten’s last day before his impending deactivation, Lister is confused when he wakes up to find a large red conical plastic traffic-management tool stuck in one of his aural orifices. Meanwhile, it’s the policewoman’s helmet and suspenders that Cat doesn’t understand.

[Captain Bollocks]

THE BEND

When the Cat discovers a blocked toilet on Z-Deck, Rimmer fingers Lister as the culprit, dubbing him a “scuzzy space bum powered by beer and curry”, and promptly dispatches Kryten on maintenance duty. To the mechano man’s surprise, he discovers the mummified corpse of George McIntyre clogging up the u-bend.

[Captain Bollocks]

THE LAST LAY

Before Lister can allow his social conscience to do the moral thing and rid the universe of date raping, he can’t resist taking one last swig of sexual magnetism to get Kochanski’s knickers back off. Rimmer provides the choc ices.

[Pete Part Three]

The Bell-End

James Corden guest stars.

[si]

SIRENS

The fire alarm goes off and no-one can remember the code. Then they remember that Rimmer was assaulted by his uncle as a child, and they manage to turn it off.

[Captain Bollocks]

SLIMEWAVE

Lister can’t stop cumming.

[cwickham]

P-CORP

Red Dwarf is bought out by a bidet manufacturer.

[si]

HE-MANS AND ANGELS

The crew have a Masters of the Universe fancy dress party. Kryten is Man-At-Arms, The Cat is Battle-Cat, Holly is Orko. Rimmer and Lister both arrive as He-Man, with hilarious consequences.
Then Kochanski suddenly turns up as Teela, and everybody forgets that there’s no angel anywhere in the episode so as not to ruin the pun in the title.

[bloodteller]

MANCS FOR THE MEMORY- the crew decide to use the time drive to go on a lovely vacation to manchester. unfortunately, once they’re there they realize it’s a bit of a shithole. to make matters worse, they’ve already paid for a full week’s stay at the hotel. now it’s up to the dwarfers to survive a week in manchester

once they get back they erase their memories of the horrible experience

[clem]

CHENTANGLED

Rimmer goes spare when Chen falls asleep in amongst his collection of wires and they get tangled up. Meanwhile nobody will own up to being last to use the smeg hammer.

[si]

CRY ‘TEN!’

In this Children In Need special, the lovable smegheads try to impress the judges on Strictly Come Dancing.

[Dave]

#ME2

The crew of Red Dwarf log on to Twitter to share their experiences of sexual harassment from GELFs, Polymorphs, parallel-universe versions of themselves, servants of their own self-loathing beast, and plenty more besides. Unfortunately the ball-girl from the AR Wimbledon game has tales of her own to reveal.

[bloodteller]

LORRYMORPH- lister comes across a polymorph that has taken the shape of an Eddie Stobart lorry. it is kind to him. he slashes its tyres and leaves it for dead anyway. humans are the real monsters…

[bloodteller]

CRETE PART 2- the dwarfers make a greek man eat a vindaloo and he shits everywhere

[bloodteller]

BEAT THE GREEK- the dwarfers beat him to death

[Ben Paddon]

BACK TO URKEL: The long-awaited crossover between etc etc

[Dave]

THYME-WAVE

Ainsley Harriott returns to Red Dwarf to show the crew how to liven up their roast potatoes.

[flanl3]

THE END:

Plenty of ladies die.

CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA:

Lister wants to bring back a dead lady.

BETTER THAN LIFE:

A dead lady reads the news.

PARALLEL UNIVERSE:

A crazy dead lady tries to seduce Rimmer, but instead ends up weirding him out.

POLYMORPH:

Something pretends to be a crazy dead lady and seduces Lister.

CAMILLE:

Something accidentally pretends to be a crazy dead lady to seduce Rimmer.

HOLOSHIP:

A crazy dead lady seduces Rimmer.

QUARANTINE:

A crazy dead lady gets Rimmer sick.

PSIRENS:

Something pretends to be a crazy dead lady to seduce Lister and crush Kryten.

EMOHAWK: POLYMORPH II:

Lister won’t have sex with a crazy lady so her dad sends his pet after him for revenge.

RIMMERWORLD:

It’s a lady, I think, but with Chris Barrie’s face.

OUROBOROS:

Remember that crazy lady Lister didn’t want to have sex with? Apparently she really wanted that sex, so much so that she tore the fabric of reality apart over it. Also, a dead lady is no longer dead.

BLUE:

Lister wishes he could seduce a crazy dead man.

BEYOND A JOKE:

Kryten cries because he hates a crazy dead lady and also a less crazy less dead one.

EPIDEME:

A crazy dead lady gets Lister sick.

BACK IN THE RED PART ONE:

Numerous dead ladies, some presumably crazy since that’s how VIII works, are no longer dead.

PETE PART TWO:

Nobody ever asked the dinosaur, so this episode could very well belong.

BACK TO EARTH PART TWO:

Rimmer kills a crazy dead lady.

BACK TO EARTH PART THREE:

Turns out that this crazy dead lady was fake. Surprise!

ENTANGLED:

A crazy lady dies.

SAMSARA:

A crazy lady and her lover program themselves to death.

OFFICER RIMMER:

A presumably crazy presumably dead lady says “gosh”.

CAN OF WORMS:

Something pretends to be a crazy lady to seduce Cat.

TIMEWAVE:

A crazy lady flops on a telephone because she is sad and that’s how you dial a telephone.

Just as a few examples.

[bloodteller]

THE SHEND- the dwarfers come across the man who played Warden Knot in VIII, and are all reminded of that lovely time he crushed rimmer’s testicles with his bare hands.

meanwhile, the cat disembowels someone.

[flanl3]

THE BENDS:

The crew of submarine Red Dwarf all die from complications after they all go diving together, except Lister because he was being punished. Meanwhile, Kryten and Cat make some nachos.

[Dave]

POKE ME A SKUTTER

When the last human being alive finally accepts that he’s never going to find Kochanski, Kryten encourages him to get “back in the game” and start dating some of the many robots aboard Red Dwarf. But when Lister becomes romantically involved with one of the Skutters, Rimmer and Cat take bets on whether he will actually go through with attempting sexual intercourse with it. In a grim and laugh-free final scene, Lister musters up th

[Dave]

e courage to do so, only for Kochanski to walk through the airlock at a key moment. The episode ends with both weeping.

[Dave]

POST ME A TWITTER

The crew discover Social Media and there’s a whole episode about it but it’s a bit rubbish and pointless and filled with outdated jokes about 140 characters and MySpace.

[Dave]

SNOKE ME A PITA

Star Wars sequel in which Kylo Ren’s boss becomes addicted to Greek flatbreads.

[flanl3]

SOCK TO PEALINT:
Lister discovers that the lint on one of his socks contains the pea from Queeg.

[Dave]

ACE RIMMER

Sophie Aldred guest-stars in a… No, on second thoughts, I’m definitely not going to do that one.

[Ben Paddon]

MEEP SQUARED: The crew receive a surprise visit from popular muppet Beaker who etc etc

[bloodteller]

HOLOSHAQ- the dwarfers are finally sick of rimmer being such an unbearable little shit that they turn off his hologram. while searching for a new hologram to resurrect, they find the personality disc of famous basketball player Shaquille O’ Neal and decide to boot him up. everyone gets along with him and they all have a lovely time playing basketball and thoroughly enjoy having him around.

meanwhile, rimmer’s terminated hologram is left floating in an empty meaningless timeless void for all eternity. he can think and feel nothing. the entirety of his existence is no more…

[bloodteller]

BACK TO BIRTH- kryten is inexplicably turned into a baby. in a subversion of the status quo, it’s now up to the dwarfers to take care of him. however things take a turn for the worst when he shits the bed and splashes mashed apricot pudding all over the drive room’s walls.

meanwhile, rimmer becomes really upset after cat makes one too many “kill yourself rimmer” jokes

[Author]

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