Idea for an episode.

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  • #235279

    cwickham

    PAGE VIII

    Just for once, comparisons between a page of this thread and the appropriately numbered series of Red Dwarf are completely justified.

    #235280

    cwickham

    KUDROW TV

    Lisa Kudrow proves to be the Friends cast member whose name is the hardest to force into a pun on a Red Dwarf episode title.

    #235281

    quinn_drummer

    ELLEN PAGE VIII

    Page VIII of the thread comes out as homosexual, guest staring Ellen Page.

    #235282

    quinn_drummer

    WAITING FOR GUNTHER

    One obsessive fan hangs around waiting for the guy that played Guther, only to find out his own religious figure visited him and he promptly died.

    #235283

    bloodteller

    Fuck my arse we’re onto the eighth page

    #235295

    peas_and_corn

    Lister

    Lister gets addicted to a VR game where he’s a radio psychiatrist in Seattle. He tries unsuccessfully to get the crew to switch to sherry.

    #235297

    Dave

    PAGE VIII

    I’m going to take a back-to-basics approach to this page of the thread, by which I mean I think we need to bring in 1,167 other posters and all the regular participants need to be put in prison.

    It’s going to be classic ‘Idea For An Episode’ though – although I think the first post probably needs to be a three-parter, and I’m pretty sure the final post I have in mind is going to have to be scrapped for budget reasons.

    Never mind, I’ve got a classic dinosaur gag that I’m going to thrown in towards the end. I reckon I can milk that one for a good couple of posts.

    #235298

    cwickham

    FUTURE GECKOES

    A load of lizards show up, ostensibly from the future.

    #235299

    cwickham

    FUTURE MECCANOES

    A load of model construction systems show up, ostensibly from the future.

    #235322

    quinn_drummer

    FUTURE MCDONALDS

    Series VIIIs redesign sees a McDonald’s on board ship before the cut backs. Nothing much has changed but a glimpse into the future by the franchisee owner sees a lack of potatoes caused by a programmable virus means they won’t have any fries to sell for the foreseeable future. Hollister is pissed!

    #235323

    Dave

    TSAR BUG

    Lister uses the time drive to go back and infect Nikolai II with a stomach virus.

    Just for shits and giggles.

    #235324

    quinn_drummer

    FUTURE TECHNO

    Lister sees himself in the future as a disc-jockey spinning the latest in space techno!

    Cat is just pleased it isn’t him having to change all the rock records on the PA system, and breaks his tooth in celebration, but was it an accident?

    #235325

    quinn_drummer

    FARBUG

    Starbug shot from really really far away. Like most of the wide shots in Series XI & XII

    #235327

    cwickham

    BARBUG

    Lister converts Starbug into a bar.

    #235328

    cwickham

    TARBUG

    Lister converts Starbug into a clone of Liza Tarbuck with a speech impediment.

    #235329

    quinn_drummer

    BRABUG

    Lister converts all of Kochanski’s bras into his favourite little green ship to surface shuttle craft.

    #235330

    quinn_drummer

    BALLBUG

    Lister paints his balls to look like his favourite little green ship to surface shuttle craft.

    #235331

    Dave

    STARBUM

    He paints his arse green too, to complete the look.

    #235332

    Dave

    AJARBUG

    Starbug’s airlock door won’t quite close properly.

    #235333

    Dave

    FNARRBUG

    Spaceship that is so amusingly anatomically shaped that it provokes a constant stream of innuendo from its crew.

    #235334

    quinn_drummer

    MALIGNANTTUMORBUG

    Kryten has some good and bad news for Lister. Bad news is he has cancer. Good news is that it is shaped like his favourite green ship to surface space shuttle.

    #235335

    quinn_drummer

    WINRARBUG

    Lister has installed WinRar onto the ships computer and it won’t open … but was it an accident?

    #235367

    Warbofrog

    DIMENSIONS IN TIMESLIDES

    30th anniversary special! Lister loads up a projection of an old EastEnders episode and they go into it… I actually forgot they’d already basically done this.

    #235368

    Warbofrog

    THE DAY OF THE LISTER

    30th anniversary special that sees Lister recruit other versions of himself from throughout his timeline, played by Danny John-Jules’ nephew, Emile Charles and the extras who played child and old man Listers in The Inquisitor.

    #235372

    quinn_drummer

    FOREVER RED

    All the different Red Dwarf models team up to fight an almighty evil.

    #235374

    quinn_drummer

    TRIALS AND STASIS LEAK-ATIONS

    The crew are thrown back in time and find themselves in the events of stasis leak, and are superimposed into all th original footage.

    #235375

    quinn_drummer

    THE FIVE RIMMERS

    Pre accident Rimmer, original hologram Rimmer, Me2 hologram Rimmer, the briefly alive Rimmer from Time Slides and resurrected Rimmer from VIII team up for some reasons or another. Maybe I should have at least read the Five Doctors synopsis before attempting this one.

    #235376

    quinn_drummer

    200

    The crew pitch movie ideas to a budding film maker based on all the other TV series the actors have been in. With hilarious meta references and old cast returning.

    #235377

    quinn_drummer

    IDEA FOR A MOVIE

    That last one but with a more meta title.

    #235378

    Pete Part Three

    >Pre accident Rimmer, original hologram Rimmer, Me2 hologram Rimmer, the briefly alive Rimmer from Time Slides and resurrected Rimmer from VIII team up for some reasons or another. Maybe I should have at least read the Five Doctors synopsis before attempting this one.

    Nah, you’ve pretty much got it.

    #235379

    Dave

    FATHER CHRISTMAS, WHAT A BASTARD

    Abandoned as a baby in a cardboard box under a pool table, Santa Claus grows up not knowing who his parents are, or whether they were married.

    Years later, the immortal Father Christmas teleports to a planet full of wax droids and gives them the gift of breaking their programming. However, he becomes stranded there after a teleporter malfunction, and a visiting crew of four weirdos mistake him for one of the droids – an assumption that he plays along with, once he realises that they represent his ticket off the planet.

    Recalibrating his teleporter to follow the energy signature of the matter paddle, Santa finds himself aboard Red Dwarf, where he stows away for years, unnoticed, until the crew’s visit to an ocean moon finally gives him the perfect opportunity to steal the mothership.

    Travelling alone for years, he stumbles across an abandoned space station with a faster-than-light-and-time-drive, which he uses to travel back in time to Earth, nine months before he was born, where he meets a pretty lady who seems distantly familiar. After sleeping with her he realises his complicity in creating a time loop (because with the two Santas going round and round in time, Father Christmas can never truly become extinct).

    Reasoning that such technology could be dangerous, he travels back to the distant future and hides the time drive behind an elaborate system of unreality pockets, also programming the faster-than-light element to be hidden from users at first glance, only to reveal itself in times of extreme emergency such as a temporal paradox.

    Jumping back aboard Red Dwarf, he finds Kryten’s nanobots hiding in the sleeping quarters, and programs them to return the ship to the ocean moon, to dismantle it to its constituent atoms, and to forget meeting Santa altogether. He also performs a hard reset on Holly so that he can never reveal the true existence of Santa Claus.

    In a final act of selflessness, he leaps into an unreality pocket and becomes entirely fictional for all eternity, using the last of his magic to make a wish to grant Lister his fond desire of being reunited with Kochanski, and then to meet a resurrected Chen and Petersen once the Starbug crew rediscovers Red Dwarf. Surely no unintended consequences can come of that, he thinks, as he fades into unreality forever.

    #235428

    Warbofrog

    LIGEIA FOR AN EPISODE

    Kryten rescues an unpleasant-looking green blob from a crashed spaceship, but she soon after succumbs to her injuries and dies. It turns out that Ligeia was a Necro-pleasure GELF, designed for a specific market, and her corpse transforms into the dead object of the crew’s sexual desire before their eyes.

    RIMMER: “Shall we draw straws?” #It’s cold outside

    #235429

    Warbofrog

    THE MASQUE OF THE RED DWARF

    Lister’s prediction that the rest of the universe avoids human beings like the plague is sadly proven correct when Starbug literally crashes Galactic Prince Prospero’s party and all the gathered species are wiped out instantly by Lister’s bacteria.

    And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all, and Lister made a face.

    #235430

    Warbofrog

    THE BLACK CAT

    Someone comments on Cat’s skin colour, ruining the show forever. They’re bricked up inside a wall as punishment.

    #235431

    Warbofrog

    THE KIT AND THE PENDULUM

    Kit from the Tongue Tied video is subjected to all manner of horrific torture for unspecified reasons. Written by you-know-who.

    #235445

    cwickham

    CAN OF NAMES

    When Lister’s twin sons are born, Jamie Oliver arrives from a parallel universe to suggest ridiculous names for them.

    #235446

    bloodteller

    THE HOUND OF THE RASTA BILL’S

    Lister’s favourite musician gets a dog. Three million years later Mr. Skank is revived and given the opportunity to get his beloved pet back, but decides against it in the belief the dog lived a whole long life without him. We are then shown a montage set to some melancholy music showing that it was waiting outside for him its whole life until it died. It is very sad.

    #235447

    Dave

    BLUE RAY

    A Red Dwarf fan called Ray repeatedly checks Doug Naylor’s Twitter feed all day to ensure he doesn’t miss a much-awaited and recently-trailed announcement about a new release of the series on high-definition physical media.

    He goes to bed disappointed.

    #235544

    Bargain Bin Holly

    REC YARD BITCHES

    Cat takes Big Meat for a walk

    #235545

    Bargain Bin Holly

    BECOME A DOG

    Lister takes Holly’s advice to heart and licks his testicles

    #235566

    Warbofrog

    SELBY & CHEN AREN’T DEAD

    The resurrected Selby and Chen muse existentially as they go about their shifts and occasionally cross over with the main Red Dwarf story, such as when they reunite with Lister at the Starbug crash and then never again because let’s introduce a load of new characters instead and then move the action to an isolated part of the ship and waste this whole opportunity.

    #235631

    flanl3

    FUCK YOU

    The entire Red Dwarf crew come back in time to harass whoever it was that had the brilliant idea to bump the “Idea for an episode” thread off the front page of a Red Dwarf fansite.

    #235634

    cwickham

    SELBY & McINTYRE (DECEASED)

    Spin-off prequel series where Selby and the hologram of George McIntyre go around solving mysteries.

    #235635

    Dave

    SELBY & McINTYRE (Remastered)

    The same show as SELBY & McINTYRE (DECEASED), but there’s a distracting fuzzy ‘interference’ effect over McIntyre, a Skutter lurches across the screen at inappropriate moments, and we find out that the second McIntyre died of old age in Selby’s clean underpants drawer.

    #235636

    Dave

    CRETIN

    Alternate Series II opener in which Cat, Lister and Rimmer stumble across a crashed spacecraft in which the only remaining active crew member is a right thicko who doesn’t even realise the rest of his shipmates are dead. Rather than recognising his idiocy as a clear danger to all, the Boys From The Dwarf invite him back to their ship and make friends with him and he eventually becomes a series regular despite him clearly being an utterly batshit insane individual who could kill them all at any moment.

    #235637

    Dave

    OUT OF CHIME

    The batteries run out in Starbug’s doorbell.

    #235639

    Dave

    DIMENSION DUMP

    Ace Rimmer discovers an interdimensional toilet that lets him shit into other realities.

    #235640

    Dave

    OFFICIAL RIMMER

    The online Red Dwarf store starts selling cosplay ‘H’s that you can stick on your head to impersonate your favourite dead Red Dwarf character, in an effort to prevent people from buying cheap knockoff versions.

    #235642

    quinn_drummer

    WHITE DIMENSION HOLE

    The crew find a hole a spewing a hot, white, sticky substance out into the universe. In a completely unrelated turn of events, Ace Rimmer finds an inter-dimensional glory hole

    #235643

    quinn_drummer

    DIMENSION SLIDES

    Ace Rimmer finds an inter-dimensional children’s playground.

    #235644

    quinn_drummer

    TIKKA HOLE

    The crew find a space anomaly spewing curry out into the universe. Lister begs them to stay but Kryten points out that it probably isn’t healthy eating inter-dimensional space curry directly from the vacuum of space and quickly speeds Red Dwarf away before they can get any of it … which results in him finding himself in the garbage compacter, again.

    #235645

    quinn_drummer

    TERROR HOLE

    The crew fly into the Dimension Hole and due to a space-time fluctuation in the inter-dimensional anomaly find themselves in Starbug flying up Ace Rimmer’s erect penis. He quite likes it, the kinky freaky.

    #235648

    cwickham

    TIMELORDWAVE

    Colin Baker arrives from a parallel universe to complain about how unfair the Pearl Poll is on Series VIII.

    #235649

    Pete Part Three

    TOP GEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    When Dave decides not to recommission Red Dwarf, Rimmer jumps ship to one of their other successful shows and becomes the guest presenter for an episode of Top Gear. He spends the entire episode fawning over a Bentley V8 Convertible, and is then sacked when he hits a PA for bringing him a cold dish of Gazpacho soup.

    #235650

    Dave

    S(mokemea)KIPPER

    Ace Rimmer shows up from another dimension to see Rimmer, but Lister tells Ace that he just missed him as he has just left with the Quantum Skipper. Ace asks if he can stay and the crew gather round for a card game before Kryten hears the sound of Rimmer returning so tells Ace to hide under the bunks.

    And now every time you watch that last scene of Skipper there will be a little voice telling you that Ace Rimmer is secretly under the bed.

    #235703

    bloodteller

    DUANE DIBBLEY, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS

    The Duke Of Dork inherits his much more evil and successful brother’s position as Satan.

    Meanwhile the rest of the posse watch an old John Carpenter film, blissfully unaware of the carnage Duane is causing in just the other room

    #235704

    bloodteller

    WAITING FOR ANTI-GOD

    The posse discover Duane is the heart of evil and want to start worshipping him. Unfortunately he has popped down to the shops for some Quavers and will not be back for at least ten minutes

    #235707

    Dave

    QUEEGAARS

    Rimmer sees Queeg appear in place of Holly on the Red Dwarf computer terminals and is convinced he is a new type of alien that has become separated from its roast-chicken-carcass body.

    #235718

    cwickham

    SMITHCONIA

    Some random bloke called Andrew Smith arrives from a parallel universe, for some reason.

    #235731

    quinn_drummer

    SMITH-CORP

    Adam Smith arrive aboard Red Dwarf and starts demonstrating his market theories by turning everybody’s hands invisible. This confuses anyone without at least a passing knowledge of his work and annoys anyone who does by dangerously misrepresenting it.

    #235734

    cwickham

    F-CORBYN

    Episode guest starring Dame Margaret Hodge.

    #235777

    cwickham

    HOLOGRAMS UNDER THE HAMMER

    Dion Dublin arrives from a parallel universe or some shit like that

    #235812

    quinn_drummer

    CATS IN THE ATTIC

    Lister, Rimmer and Kryten put Cat up for auction to raise money to buy more toilet paper

    #235814

    quinn_drummer

    CHANGING QUARTERS

    Guest starring Carol Smiley, Rimmer and Lister swap living quarters with Bob and Madge for two days to redecorate. They return to find their bunks oceans grey, or is it military grey? An argument breaks out and Carol Smiley is punched in her stupid smiley face

    #235815

    quinn_drummer

    COME DINE WITH ME2

    The crew clones themselves to have a dinner party and rate each other’s meals.

    #235823

    Warbofrog

    HATTIE

    Lister bullies Rimmer when he discovers a photo of him wearing a hat that doesn’t suit him. Features the unexplained and wasted return of Hattie Hayridge’s Holly on background monitors with no lines.

    #235824

    Warbofrog

    THE WHITE MAN’S BURDEN

    Howard Burden makes a cameo in an episode otherwise featuring performers of colour.

    #235870

    cwickham

    RIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister dies. Jeremy Corbyn arrives to lay a wreath on his grave, but leaves in disgust upon learning Lister was not an antisemite.

    #235885

    Dave

    CAN OF WORMS II – TIVOHAWK

    Cat is still a Virgin customer, but is delighted when a Tivohawk invades the ship’s digital TV recording system to restore access to UKTV channels. Includes gratuitous fan-pleasing cameos from Dave and Gold.

    #235897

    clem

    THE FRUIT MACHINE

    New title for Demons and Angels that will appear on the Blu-ray set. Not to be confused with that film where Emile Charles swims with dolphins in the nuddy, or this: http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/news/2000/12/08/rdfm/

    #235993

    cwickham

    STRICTLY COME DWARFING

    The Cat, Kill Crazy, Captain Tau, Commander Binks and Aniter take part in a dance-off.

    #235996

    Dave

    SNACK IN THE BED

    Rimmer accuses Kryten of having an affair with Snacky after he finds the snack-dispensing droid’s egg-flipper stuck in the Series 4000’s recharge socket.

    #236012

    flanl3

    EGGO FLIPPER

    Snacky branches out from his two disciplines of snack dispensing and engineering to take up flipping frozen waffles.

    #236013

    flanl3

    EGO FLIPPER

    Snacky is the subject of an episode of Queer Eye.

    #236014

    Dave

    FLIPPER

    Snacky uses the Quantum Flipper to travel across parallel dimensions to find the perfect fried egg.

    #236015

    Dave

    POKE ME A FLIPPER

    Kryten’s affair with Snacky continues.

    #236016

    Dave

    FLIPPERWORLD

    When Snacky is marooned on a planet inside a wormhole for 600 years, he has plenty of time to perfect the art of frying eggs.

    #236017

    Dave

    OFFICER FLIPPER

    When Snacky is promoted to Catering Officer, he starts acting all smug and superior and that.

    #236018

    Dave

    RACIST LEAK

    When secret on-set footage emerges of the cast of Red Dwarf making racist comments, the resultant scandal calls the future of the show into doubt.

    However, it turns out it was just a clip from Fathers & Suns.

    #236020

    Warbofrog

    ACE AND FLIPPER

    A kids’ TV series about Ace Rimmer befriending a bottlenose dolphin.

    #236021

    Dave

    KIP ME A SMOKER

    Rimmer books a ticket for a single-occupancy cabin on the overnight train from London to Edinburgh, hoping to get a good night’s sleep. Unfortunately, only ‘smoking’ carriages are available, but he books one anyway.

    #236022

    Dave

    FLIP ME A SPANNER

    Snacky travels to Ace Rimmer’s dimension and molests Lister’s counterpart.

    #236023

    Dave

    SPANNERS IN THE WORKS

    Lister’s alternate-universe counterpart visits a high-street discount-bookshop.

    #236024

    Dave

    SPANNERWORLD

    When Lister is marooned on a planet inside a wormhole for 600 years, he has plenty of time to learn to be an engineer.

    #236025

    Dave

    OFFICER SPANNER

    Oh, I’m bored now.

    #236026

    Warbofrog

    HILLYCON SEVEN

    Seventh annual convention for fans of the female Holly from ‘Parallel Universe,’ but not the female Holly from the regular universe who’s considered a poor imitation. Will they finally secure Hattie Hayridge this year? No.

    #236027

    Warbofrog

    SILICON BLAKE’S 7

    The Blake’s 7 Remake Where Everyone’s Kryten.

    #236029

    Pete Part Three

    STICKY COME DANCING

    Deleted scene from Series VIII in which the doctor who performs a medical examination of Cat, takes a sperm sample from him and discovers that it has rhythm to match his heart-beat and pulse. The studio audience applauds for 17 minutes.

    #236030

    Warbofrog

    DIVAD ‘ROID INTERNATIONAL

    Arriving in the Backwards universe, Lister wipes away the topical cream that’s suddenly appeared on his anus, realising too late that he’ll now have to suffer with piles during their world tour.

    #236040

    Dave

    FLOAT ME A SHITTER

    Lister keeps getting annoyed by someone laying big turds in the officers’ quarters toilet and then not flushing. Logically it can only be Cat, but he refuses to own up to it, leaving Lister angry and frustrated with constantly having to dispose of his shipmate’s faeces.

    After a long argument about it, Lister decides to check the ship’s CCTV to prove his suspicions – only to discover that Ace Rimmer has been regularly passing through Red Dwarf during his parallel-universe adventures and availing himself of the facilities, leaving behind his own little ‘dimension dumps’.

    #236043

    quinn_drummer

    GOAT UP A CHERRY PICKER

    Lister stumbles across a goat, high up in a cherry picker, on his way back from one of the ships bars. How did it get there? Why won’t anyone believe he saw it, no he wasn’t so drunk he hallucinated a goat don’t be daft.

    When he finally convinces the crew to check it out the goat is gone … or is it?

    #236044

    Dave

    CACK IN THE DREAD

    Lister realises he needs a haircut when his dreadlocks grow so long that they trail along the floor and pick up all sorts of bits of crap.

    #236045

    Dave

    PELLOW ALERT

    When Marti Pellow materialises aboard Red Dwarf due to a freak stasis accident, the crew kill him immediately so they don’t have to listen to tedious anecdotes about Wet Wet Wet.

    #236052

    cwickham

    STRICTLY COME DWARFING: IT TAKES TWO

    Basically the same as Strictly Come Dwarfing, but there are clones of everyone made using the triplicator.

    #236079

    quinn_drummer

    CATS

    Cat is lonely and missing his race, so Lister gets him a copy of the musical Cats on VHS. Everyone is a little surprised when a familiar face can be seen singing and dancing in the show …. the VHS then turns into a polymorph and sucks everyone’s surprise out of them and slinks off down to the cargo decks.

    #236097

    cwickham

    BODYSNATCHER

    Dara O’Briain arrives from a parallel universe to steal Craig Charles’ other job.

    #236109

    Dave

    BOBBYSNATCHER

    David Ross travels back in time to kidnap Robert Llewellyn from the set of Series II episode one, replacing him in the title role.

    #236110

    Dave

    BLOBBYSNATCHER

    One of the original Camille suits is stolen from the GNP vaults.

    #236111

    Dave

    NODDYSNATCHER

    A shop assistant from a sci-fi store goes missing in mysterious circumstances.

    #236112

    quinn_drummer

    BLOODY THATCHER

    Lister spends 28mins bemoaning the state of Margret Thatcher’s economic policies and the effect they had on northern towns, much to the confusion of the rest of the crew who have never heard of her.

    #236113

    Pete Part Three

    3601

    Half of the submitters to the “Idea for an episode thread” walk out suddenly in mysterious circumstances. The rest carry on regardless, hoping to recapture the glory days of the previous 3600 posts (AKA “the bubble”).

    #236114

    Dave

    WAITING FOR GODDYSNATCHER

    Lister steals the Cat Priest’s limbs.

    #236141

    cwickham

    NODDYSNATCHER II

    A man famous for shouting very loudly about Christmas goes missing.

    #236142

    cwickham

    BLOBBYSNATCHER II

    Mr Blobby goes missing.

    #236173

    quinn_drummer

    BASSIST SEEK

    Lister wants to form a band and posts an ad on joinmyband.com in search of a bassist. He gets a surprising number of responses from GELFs and Polymorphs and deranged droids that all seems fairly legit, and what could possibly go wrong?!

    #236185

    quinn_drummer

    BINQUISITOR

    The local council comes to inspects the crews bins and find they have the wrong colour for recycling and charge them a steep fine to replace it.

    #236186

    quinn_drummer

    HYMNQUISITOR

    An ancient simulant driven mad from millennia alone travels through time inspecting hymn books, erasing the worst ones from existence.

    #236187

    quinn_drummer

    INN VISITOR

    The nativity story but with an ancient simulant and lots of erasing things like donkey’s and hoteliers from history.

    #236188

    Pete Part Three

    THE QUINNLISTENER

    A forum member listens to quinn_drummer ‘s ideas for episodes, and nods slightly.

    #236231

    Warbofrog

    TWO SUITS IS DEAD

    Cat berates Lister when he catches him still playing Spider Solitaire with just two suits.

    #236232

    Warbofrog

    DEADER THAN TANK TOPS

    Unmade episode from series VIII that would have seen an evolved STD hilariously culling all the sexually dominant prisoners.

    #236233

    Warbofrog

    WE’RE PLATFORM SHOES, MAN

    The Justice boots get their own spin-off, going undercover in the 1970s by disguising themselves as trendy footwear and speaking in the vernacular.

    #236234

    Dave

    SHOES HAVE SOLES

    Tedious episode in which Cat learns how footwear is manufactured.

    #236250

    Ben Paddon

    TERRY PRATCHETT’S BOGBOTFATHER

    The Dwarfers arrive on a flat, disc-like planet currently observing a winter festival that bares a remarkable similarity to their Christmas. Only their anthropomorphic personification of that festival has gone missing – it’s up to Kryten, aided by his grumpy but affable pixie in the form of Lister, to fill his shoes.

    #236270

    quinn_drummer

    MONK ME A SKIPPER

    The crew skip (using a newly rebuilt dimension skipping device) to a universe where the cat race never left Red Dwarf. Sensing that he doesn’t fit in, Cat uses one of his Polymorph children (because he didn’t kill them all apprently) to suck out his cool and turn him into Dwayne Dibbley, resulting in creating a cult following amongst the cat people who see him as some sort of wise monk.

    Lister, Rimmer and Kryten set about restoring him back and returning to their own dimension via 2 quick lines of dialogue, thanks bye END CREDITS.

    #236271

    Pete Part Three

    THANKS FOR THE MONASTERY

    Sequel episode to “Monk Me a Skipper” where the Cat people build a holy building to honour Duane and his teachings.

    #236280

    Warbofrog

    SMEG FOR BRAINS

    #236281

    Warbofrog

    SMEG FOR BRAINS

    Kryten learns the shameful secret of what his “partly organic” brain is made of.

    #236282

    clem

    SMUG FOR BAIRNS

    The crew meet some unusually self-satisfied Scottish children.

    #236285

    Warbofrog

    THANKS FOR THE MEMOREX

    Lister receives a practical Christmas gift. Sponsored short.

    #236286

    Warbofrog

    HAVE A TANGFASTICS. PERIOD.

    Lister insists that Cat try his Haribo and won’t take no for an answer. Sponsored short.

    #236293

    quinn_drummer

    BACK IN THE RED BULL

    Starbug is out of fuel and Kryten suggests filling the tank with the several thousand crates they found in the cargo bay due to the misguided belief that Red Bull allows you to fly … but it works, and they have increased their speed by 400%, though the steering is a little shaky. Sponsored short.

    #236294

    quinn_drummer

    NO MORE BEANZ MAN

    Lister begs Kryten for some Heinz spaghetti hoops on toast rather than the usual Beanz. Sponsored short.

    #236295

    quinn_drummer

    DEMONS AND ANGEL DELIGHT

    Intergalactic desert demons break aboard Red Dwarf to steal all the crews Angel Delight. After whipping the crew up into a frenzy, Lister kills them with a volley of bazookoid fire, destroying them and the Angel Delight, which ends up covering the corridor is chocolate and strawberry goo, which Lister eats up with a spoon. Sponsored short.

    #236297

    Flap Jack

    M&M-CORP

    Kryten installs a software update to the ship that causes all of the Smarties on board to become invisible, leaving M&Ms as the only food available for Lister to eat. Eventually Red Dwarf’s M&M supply is down to just the peanut ones, and so to avoid starvation, they take Starbug to the M&M planet to get more regular M&Ms and maybe some of those nice biscuity ones. Unfortunately the planet has become a barren wasteland inhabited only by huge, vicious and intelligent predator M&M monster men. Lister ends up in a fight to the death with Red (Billy West) for the last crate of Dark Mint M&Ms.

    Non-sponsored episode.

    #236369

    Warbofrog

    R.E. BOOT

    Having failed to understand the “shoes have soles/souls” joke, Rimmer looks for signs of divine inspiration in the creation of footwear, but it turns out to be a load of cobblers.

    #236371

    cwickham

    TODDYSNATCHER

    Rimmer’s hot toddy goes missing.

    #236372

    cwickham

    NODDYSNATCHER

    Big-Ears’ best friend goes missing.

    #236374

    Warbofrog

    RED DWARF PREMASTERED

    Some fans who order the Blu-ray set mistakenly receive the series XIII Blu-ray in the post instead, despite that series not having entered pre-production yet.

    #236375

    Warbofrog

    RED DWARF RAMIS TURD

    Doug reveals that the late Ghostbusters star was so angry about Remastered in the late ’90s, he mailed a “dirty protest” to the GNP office. Though on second glance, it turned out he was just returning the videos.

    #236376

    Warbofrog

    RED DWARF KEYMASTERED

    Clips of Rick Moranis from Ghostbusters are digitally inserted into various scenes from series 1-III to make the foreground more interesting.

    #236379

    cwickham

    RED DWARF BEEMASTERED

    Series I-VIII, but with loads of CGI bees added for no reason.

    #236380

    quinn_drummer

    BEE-CORP

    Invisible bees invade the ship. Kryten defeats them by throwing a single jar of honey out an open airlock and they all fly after it.

    #236383

    cwickham

    RED DWARF BEETMASTERED

    Series I-VIII, but with the camera covered in beetroot juice to give everything a red tinge for no reason whatsoever.

    #236391

    bloodteller

    SIX OF THE BEST GUESSES

    Boxset compiling all of Kryten’s least inexplicable random expository dialogue that he somehow knows. At the end Lister walks in and asks Kryten why the fuck he always calls them “Best Guesses” when it’s blindingly obvious that he knows exactly what he’s talking about all the time and has never been wrong. This sudden outburst makes Kryten a bit sad

    #236405

    Warbofrog

    PSILAGE

    Farmer Lister’s big red tractor has been stolen by persons or life forms unknown. He and the lads have to ride around on a cramped quad bike gathering grass for the winter.

    #236406

    Warbofrog

    TILLER TO RIDE

    Farmer Lister’s run-down walk-behind rototiller breaks down, so he upgrades to a larger ride-on rotavator.

    #236407

    Warbofrog

    THE LAST HAY

    Farmer Lister gets irresponsibly drunk with his mates, not noticing that the feed is running low. Will his livestock survive the winter…?

    #236417

    quinn_drummer

    COW MEAL

    Farmer Lister breeds a cow with the intent of turning it into steak to feed guests at his wedding.

    #236505

    Dave

    BUMP ME A SLIPPER

    When the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread slips off the front page of G&T, forum posters decide to bring it back with a new look and a fresh approach. They then argue for a further eight pages over whether this constitutes a Reboot or a Revival.

    #236513

    quinn_drummer

    ME-REBOOT

    Rimmer loads a second version of himself and tells Lister he has rebooted. Lister insists it’s a revival and they squabble for hours whilst the new Rimmer sits in the corner bored.

    #236514

    quinn_drummer

    INFINITY WELCOMES CAREFUL REBOOTS

    Doug decides to rewrite the first novel, but is careful to make it clear it is a reboot of the book series, and not a revival via time loop or continuation, even thought to the casual reader it clear is.

    #236515

    quinn_drummer

    JUMP STARTS THE SECOND BIG BANG

    Lister fulfills his hallucinationed destiny by jumpstarting the second Big Bang, but one forum user insists Lister had really rebooted the universe.

    #236516

    quinn_drummer

    BEYOND A REBOOT

    The crew argue for several weeks about whether Doctor Who is a reboot or revival, finally deciding that it’s probbaly a bit of both and it’s a silly argument to have.

    Forum uses take offence that it’s a silly argument to have and continue the discuss well beyond the shows final episode.

    #236517

    Dave

    REBOOTICS, IT’S FASCINATING ISN’T IT

    Lister subtly gleans information from Kryten on how to determine whether a returning TV show counts as a revival, remake or reboot.

    #236518

    Warbofrog

    GIVE ME VOICE CONTROL ON THE REBOOT COMMAND

    Rimmer gets Kryten to hack the G&T forum so he can silence dissenting opinions that don’t match his definition of a reboot.

    #236520

    Warbofrog

    REBOOTLE

    Finally making it back to Earth, Lister’s disappointed to learn that his home town has been brought back with an all-female cast. Hilarious PC-gone-mad ep.

    #236521

    quinn_drummer

    PRE-BOOT

    After booting up Pre, she coins the phrase Pre-boot to describe her star up sequence and the JJ Abrams Star Trek films.

    #236522

    Warbofrog

    NUREEKBOOT

    All-pipes reboot of Red Dwarf starring Nureek, Ratut and Hanunga. Squilookle belatedly joins from series 3.

    #236525

    Warbofrog

    DILDONICS, IT’S FAXING HAMISH ISN’T IT

    A Canadian forum member installs a retro fax machine and receives a surprising communication from deep space.

    Lister’s Dick (V/O): I want me body backhh, now.

    #236526

    Dave

    THE SERVICE REBOOTS

    Red Dwarf gets disappointed that other shows of its era have already been serviced with successful reboots because they have a better union than us.

    #236527

    Dave

    BIG BOYS IN REBOOTS

    Doctor Who and Battlestar Galactica form the double-action centrefold in July’s issue.

    #236528

    Dave

    DAY-GLO ORANGE REBOOTS

    Red Dwarf gets an all-new cast and crew and garish new colour scheme to banish all memories of grey corridors.

    #236529

    Jawscvmcdia

    CRACK IN THE RED

    Lister develops a worrying crack addiction at the same time that Kryten decides to get gender reassignment surgery (GRS). Rimmer and Cat start a tiddlywink competition.

    #236535

    cwickham

    THANKS FOR THE INTERNATIONAL MAN’S DAY

    Richard Herring arrives from a parallel universe to tell everyone when International Men’s Day is.

    #236540

    Dave

    BLANKS FOR THE KNIGHTERY

    Deleted scene from Stoke Me A Clipper in which we see Lister load blanks into the bazookoid and then explain why the fuck a bazookoid would be designed to fire blanks anyway.

    #236544

    Warbofrog

    ALL CALCULATORS GO TO SILICON HEAVEN

    Animated feature. Two calculators befriend an orphan girl who can talk to consumer electronics, as long as the response needed is either ‘HELLO’ or ‘BOOBIES.’ One of the calculators is murdered, but you can’t keep a good calculator down.

    #236546

    Dave

    WHITE ROLL

    Meta episode in which the Boys From The Dwarf try to ascertain whether it was a napkin that Lister used to eat curry sauce at the end of Tikka extended, or something else.

    #236576

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE REG

    Reginald D. Hunter arrives from a parallel universe for no better reason than his first name sounds a bit like a word in a Red Dwarf episode title.

    #236577

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE REV

    Very similar to “Back in The Reg”, but with the Reverend Richard Coles.

    #236578

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE ENGINE

    Piers Morgan arrives from a parallel universe, but does so inside Red Dwarf’s engine and is instantly vaporised before he can say or do anything.

    #236579

    cwickham

    PLEASE HOLLISTER, DON’T HURT ‘EM

    Captain Hollister becomes a hip-hop superstar.

    #236594

    cwickham

    CAPTAIN HOLMES SISTER

    In a baffling decision, the part of Captain Hollister is recast to Eamonn Holmes’ sister.

    #236617

    Warbofrog

    ACK IN THE BED

    Krytie TV secretly broadcasts Warden Ackerman’s Batman-costumed antics.

    #236618

    Warbofrog

    JIGGY JIGGY

    It turns out Ackerman and the science officer’s unimportant wife just like dressing up as superheroes and doing jigsaws.

    #236619

    Warbofrog

    THE SCIENCE OFFICER’S WIFE

    Audrey Niffenegger writes a Madwoman in the Attic-style feminist analysis of Red Dwarf.

    #236621

    Dave

    IRRADIATE ME A HAGGIS, I’LL BE BACK FOR DINNER

    Ace Rimmer adopts a new catchphrase.

    #236622

    Dave

    MANCS FOR THE ENEMY

    Lister expounds on the historical rivalry between Liverpool and Manchester.

    #236623

    Dave

    BUNKS FOR THE AMITY

    Deleted scene from Series I in which Rimmer and Lister agree to continue sharing the same sleeping quarters in an attempt to develop a more meaningful friendship.

    #236624

    Dave

    FUNKS FOR THE EULOGY

    Craig Charles picks out the funk and soul tracks he wants played at his funeral.

    #236634

    cwickham

    TODDYSWAP

    Lister decides Rimmer’s hot toddy looks much nicer than his.

    #236635

    cwickham

    BLOBBYSWAP

    The part of Holly is recast to Mr Blobby.

    #236636

    cwickham

    NODDYSWAP

    Lister decides to get Big Ears instead.

    #236643

    Flap Jack

    BACK TO REALITY II – EMO-DORK:

    Having survived the suicidal gunshot that killed all 3 of his role-playing cohorts, Duane Dibbley finds himself wanted for their murders, and is forced to go on the run just as his real memories are returning. Will a clumsy, scrawny dweeb with very little social intelligence survive against the might of a totalitarian regime? And has Duane’s half-decade of living as super cool action star The Cat – from the hit AR game Red Dwarf™ – made him into a better person?

    #236647

    cwickham

    OFFICER SCHWIMMER

    Captain Hollister decides to 3D print a copy of his favourite member of the Friends cast, only to accidentally end up with the chief of the London Stock Exchange Group.

    #236736

    quinn_drummer

    PARADISE IN DEATH

    Cat, undeterred by the death of the Nova 5 crew, attempts to have an 4-way with them

    #236737

    quinn_drummer

    CATDOG

    Spinoff cartoon series detailing the adventures of the offspring that came as a Cat’s off screen tryst with Dog from Parallel Universe

    #236738

    quinn_drummer

    I’M GOING TO EAT YOU OUT LITTLE FISHY

    Cat tries to seduce a mermaid with the promise of cunnilingus

    #236749

    Dave

    LEIA MOANS

    When the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally travel back to the year AD23 and meet Jesus, they fill him with fear for the future by spending all their time complaining about that scene in The Last Jedi where Leia uses her powers, and how it hadn’t been established properly in previous films that she could use the Force, and all that guff.

    #236750

    quinn_drummer

    DON’T GIVE ME THAT STAR WARS CRAP

    A forum user complains about all the Star Wars related posts because he doesn’t really like Star Wars.

    #236752

    Flap Jack

    STARRED DWARFS – THE LAST MEDI

    Red Dwarf’s medi-bay is taken over by the tyrannically bureaucratic M-Nurse, who refuses to treat any crew member who hasn’t upgraded to the M-Corp system. With The Cat in desperate need of heart surgery, Lister is forced to go in search of their old Medi-Bot (Kerry Shale), who exiled himself from the ship in disgrace after the whole debacle with Lister’s dental work 8 years prior.

    Will Medi-Bot return to save the Dwarfers from the evil M-Pire, who are threatening to board Red Dwarf and force a full M-Corp upgrade? And will Rimmer’s mutiny against President Kryten go to plan in the meantime?

    #236754

    bloodteller

    ONE BLUE OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST

    Lister misses Rimmer so much that Kochanski gives him electroshock therapy, and then later lobotomizes him out of hatred for his impetuous nature . You know, because Nurse Ratched looks quite a lot like Kochanski? Surely I’m not the only one seeing that every time I watch VII

    #236755

    quinn_drummer

    RED DWARF: THE RETURN OF KOCHANSKI

    Kochanski returns in a hilarious Star Wars reference.

    #236756

    bloodteller

    PETE-PART ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST

    Captain Hollister is less tolerant in this so he just has Lister and Rimmer instantly lobotomized for giving him grief. Kryten then finally wrenches the wash-basin or whatever it was off the tubroom floor and breaks the window with it, allowing him to escape. Unfortunately the vacuum of space is not breathable, and so everyone on the ship chokes to death

    To Be Continued…?

    #236758

    Dave

    RED DWARF: THE FANDOM MENACE

    Norman Lovett meets some people who like Red Dwarf.

    #236759

    Dave

    RED DWARF: ATTACK OF THE CONES

    Sequel to The Last Day in which Lister discovers that the traffic cone came from a planet full of aliens who look just like traffic cones, and they are ready to avenge their dead comrade.

    #236760

    Dave

    RED DWARF: REVENGE OF THE SHIT

    Alternative title for Red Dwarf VIII: Remastered.

    #236761

    Dave

    ROUGE ONE: A RED DWARF STORY

    Spinoff revealing that the fault that caused the accident that killed the Red Dwarf crew was deliberately introduced into the drive plate’s design by a disgruntled JMC employee.

    #236762

    Dave

    RED DWARF: A NEW HOP

    Rimmer finally adopts his parents’ religion.

    #236763

    Dave

    RED DWARF: THE UMPIRE STRIKES BACK

    When Lister uses the AR machine to meet the jailbait ballgirl in Wimbledon, he is quickly admonished by the referee.

    #236764

    Dave

    RED DWARF: RETURN OF THE RED-EYE

    Doctor Langstrom turns up on Red Dwarf and spends an entire episode chasing the crew and trying to kill them, causing fans everywhere to shit their pants for 28 solid minutes.

    #236765

    Dave

    RED DWARF: THE FARCE AWAKENS

    Alternative title for the Series VIII making-of documentary.

    #236766

    Dave

    RED DWARF: THE LAST L.E.D.-EYE

    The simulant from Justice reveals he is the sole remaining example of his kind.

    #236767

    Dave

    SOLO: A RED DWARF STORY

    Doug decides to mount the long-gestating Red Dwarf Live as a one-man show in which he plays all the characters and spaceships.

    #236769

    cwickham

    RED DWARF: THE LAST ED BYE

    Ed Bye reveals he is the last television director in existence.

    #236770

    Dave

    RED DWARF: THE LAST BEGG DIE

    When a BEGG drinks green milk from that weird creature on Luke Skywalker’s little island, it immediately chokes to death.

    #236771

    cwickham

    RED DWARF: RETURN OF THE ED BYE

    Ed Bye returns to direct Series XIII. Doug shrugs, then starts breakdancing to “Everybody Dance Now” by C+C Music Factory.

    #236776

    quinn_drummer

    RED DWARF: A NEW POPE

    The vending machines discover Catholicism and elect a new Pope

    #236787

    Warbofrog

    Preview page from the forthcoming ‘The Official Red Dwarf Companion, Vol. 2’ featuring space-saving episode summaries for the comparatively unimportant series VI.

    SIRENS

    Red Dwarf has been stolen by Sirens, evil aliens that appear as what you most desire. Having accidentally gone to sleep for 20 years, Lister is woken up to confront the beasts – but which is the real Rimmer?

    LEGION

    The crew are captured by a Dipsy-from-the-Teletubbies lookalike (played by an unrecognisable Denis Lill in a cameo) who wants to suck out their brains. The situation is so dire, Rimmer orders red alert. “But sir, we don’t have a bulb!”

    GUNMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    In this special Halloween episode, the crew wake up in a Wild West town and discover they’re really cowboys and their life on Red Dwarf was just a dream. Or was it?

    The impressive town built for the episode

    #236788

    Dave

    (contd.)

    POLYMORPH III – EMOHAWK

    When Lister decides to marry a GELF, the crew arrange to be there with him on his wedding night. But it turns out his new bride is a Polymorph, who also turns into Ace Rimmer and Dwayne Dibbly, causing Starbug to crash. Guest-starring Jamie Oliver.

    RIMMERWORLD

    Rimmer decides to leave Red Dwarf to start his own planet, and travels 600 years into the past to do so. But when he becomes a power-crazed dictator, the crew decide to recruit one of his children to Red Dwarf instead. They seemingly teleport to safety at the end.

    NO MORE TIME

    After last episode’s amusing teaser ending (“We’re really worried about the horrible thing that’s happening with Dave!”) the Starbug crew journey through clouds that reveal the secret truth about Lister: that he is a Skutter. There is no time to process this revelation before another Blue Midget arrives from the future, inadvertently carrying some familiar faces in Red Dwarf’s cockpit…

    #236797

    Warbofrog

    MORAL EYEBALL THINNER GARDEN STRIMMER

    A sentient power tool poses moral quandaries to the crew. If it decides they’ve chosen immorally – “It’s Eyeball-thinning Time!” (T-shirts available to pre-order).

    #236798

    Warbofrog

    WHERE’S THOSE LITTLE THUMBIES?

    ‘Where’s Wally’-style gamebook for children. Find Rimmer’s crushed and severed thumbs in a variety of colourful landscapes.

    #236810

    cwickham

    RED DWARF: THE LAST BED EYE

    Lister eyes his bed for the last time.

    #236811

    Dave

    RED DWARF: JAMES LAST DEAD, AYE

    Deleted scene from Meltdown in which Rimmer receives the latest casualty report.

    #236895

    Dave

    ALL-FEMALE CAST

    The boys from the Dwarf venture once more to the Parallel Universe from Series II, where they go back in time to the mid-90s and watch an Indie Britpop band – who play ‘Sandstorm’ and ‘Walk Away’ – consisting of Jean Power, Patricia Wilkinson, Leah “Skin” Tyson and Kirsty O’Neill.

    #236898

    Warbofrog

    THIS ISN’T EMILE, IT’S AN AUTOPSY

    A strange error occurs on the Blu-ray edition of ‘Timeslides.’

    #236899

    Warbofrog

    BLUD

    Lister wakes up with a fright and falls out of bed, smashing his head open on a table.

    #236900

    Warbofrog

    I WAS WERE-LITSERED THEN

    Flashback episode finally showing the events teasingly alluded to in ‘Back in the Red.’ Lister gets a virus and becomes Were-Litser. (sic)

    #236901

    Warbofrog

    BUT I WILL STILL HAVE CTRL

    Rimmer catches Lister in the act of removing all the keys from his laptop, but only in time to save one.

    #236903

    Flap Jack

    POLY MORPH

    The crew meet a small plasticine creature who has a preference for being in multiple romantic relationships at the same time. How will Lister and Rimmer cope with the fact that they’re both sleeping with the same man? And will Kryten overcome his prejudice against stop-motion people?

    #236904

    Dave

    THE BEE GININNG

    Lister finds a bee and feeds it shitloads of gin.

    #236905

    Dave

    CATS FOR THE MEMORY

    Shortly before waking Lister up from Stasis in The End, Holly erases his own memory of the fact that there is an entire race of Cat people still living on Red Dwarf in the lower cargo areas. He also deactivates his terminals down there so he can’t see or hear the crew, or indeed anything, in the lower levels.

    This entire race of thousands of Cat people remains alive in the bowels of Red Dwarf, undiscovered, until Series XIII, when Rimmer finds them and they all quickly trip and fall out of an airlock to their death, leading to chuckles and a ‘whaddya gonna do’ expression on the faces of the Boys From The Dwarf.

    #236906

    Dave

    BLANKA FOR THE MEMORY

    Rimmer annoys Lister by reprogramming all the ship’s cabinets of Street Fighter II so that they no longer feature his favourite Brazilian electrically-powered character.

    #236907

    Dave

    CAMMYLE

    Lister starts playing the Super Street Fighter II cabinets instead and discovers a glitch whereby the female British soldier character can change her appearance to look like any other character at the touch of a button.

    #236908

    Dave

    CHUN MEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    When the ship’s Street Fighter II cabinets are infected by a Simulant computer virus, the crew are transported into a video game battle where they must all dress as petite Chinese women with very fast legs.

    #236909

    Dave

    TIKKA TO RYU

    Lister uses the time-drive to travel back in time to grab a curry but inadvertently lands in Japan in the mid-eighties, where he has to convince Takashi Nishiyama to feature a white-robed martial artist as the lead character in a new fighting game he is developing.

    #236910

    Dave

    ZANARCHY

    The crew encounter a sentient virus with an annoying voice that sounds like a Russian wrestler from an old videogame.

    #236911

    Dave

    DHALSIMSARA

    Lister is disappointed to find that every time he wins a round of Street Fighter II with the eponymous stretchy-limbed Indian, the computer notches up a win for his opponent instead.

    #236912

    Dave

    KEN OF WORMS

    A secret book of Street Fighter II character biographies reveals that the arrogant American has never had sex.

    #236913

    Dave

    SONICONIA

    When Lister executes Guile’s Sonic Boom special move on the ship’s Street Fighter II cabinet, it mysteriously transforms everyone on board into a pixelated sprite.

    #236914

    Dave

    M-BISON CORP

    Lister is dismayed when he boots up the ship’s Street Fighter II cabinet and only one of the game’s 12 characters is still visible.

    #236916

    Flap Jack

    DEAR DAVE

    Lister’s estranged bride puts a bounty out on him, causing GELFs, simulants, mechanoids and cat people alike to come after him. Will Lister escape with his marriage unconsummated, or will his friends sell him out for vast quantities of a currency they can’t even use?

    #236917

    Flap Jack

    FUTURE ECHOES

    Red Dwarf finally gets a new AI to replace Holly, Alexa. Everyone is given their own handheld device – or “echo” – to communicate with Alexa individually. It makes everyone’s lives more convenient with no ensuing conflict or surprise downsides. Alexa is never heard or mentioned again after this episode.

    Guest starring Norman Lovett as Alexa.

    #236920

    Flap Jack

    MAROONED

    The Cat decides that Red Dwarf’s exterior just isn’t fashionable any more, and convinces the others to paint it a darker shade of red. 5 minutes into the job, Lister and Kryten are mobbed by a horde of Red Dwarf fans breaking through the fourth wall to stop them.

    #236955

    Dave

    SET TO RIGHTS

    Mysterious ‘missing’ episode of Red Dwarf that revolves around Lister cheekily moving around walls in Red Dwarf to make Rimmer think the ship is bigger than it is. Recreated in animation for the DVDs.

    #236956

    tombow

    HAN OF WORMS – the Dwarfers go through a wormhole, and end up making friends with the crew of the Millennium Falcon circa Empire Strikes Back. Han confides to Lister over lagers – Correlians have to have sex or they die, and he’s nervous about how things are hotting up with Leia…

    #237002

    cwickham

    HOLLISTERS UNDER THE HAMMER

    Lister chases some clones of Captain Hollister, armed with a big hammer.

    #237003

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE DEAD

    The Nanobot version of Rimmer from Series VIII returns from his holiday, and gets killed again.

    #237004

    cwickham

    HAMMERS UNDER THE HOLLISTER

    Captain Hollister declares war on all DIY tools.

    #237037

    Dave

    ASSANDREX

    Cat finally finds the bog roll.

    #237053

    Dave

    STEELBOOK

    Lister gets in trouble when it transpires that Rimmer couldn’t have sealed the drive plate properly because Lister had cut out a crucial rectangle of metal from it and used it to make a special cover for his favourite Rastabilly Skank Blu-Ray.

    Meanwhile, Cat steals a book.

    #237059

    cwickham

    CASSANDT-REX

    New re-edit combining Cassandra and Pete Part Two.

    #237060

    cwickham

    MARKSTEELBOOK

    Lister reads a book by a left-wing comedian.

    #237064

    Dave

    STEELBOOK LEAK

    The staff of Grant Naylor Productions becomes irate when someone accidentally reveals the cover and any further details at all of the Red Dwarf 1-8 Blu-Ray set ahead of the release date.

    #237065

    Dave

    I’VE NEVER READ… STEELBOOK

    Lister reveals that he has never actually looked at the text on the spines of his Blu-Ray collection.

    #237066

    Dave

    STEELBOOK TO REALITY

    Lister wakes up and realises that all his Blu-Ray steelbooks were actually the fictional creations of a total-immersion video game, and people in the real world just use normal plastic cases.

    #237067

    Dave

    STEELBOOKWARDS

    Red Dwarf fans patiently wait for their Series 1-8 Blu-Ray sets to be taken off them so that they can forget what the cover art and special features are.

    #237068

    Dave

    STEELBOOK TO EARTH

    The budget for this special miniseries is so tight that the Steelbook cover displayed in the shop is actually made out of a cereal packet.

    #237069

    Dave

    STEELBOOK IN THE RED

    Blu Ray dances with Cat.

    #237072

    si

    SNACK IN THE BED

    Blue Ray dances with Bent Bob. Taiwan Tony provides the snacks.

    #237073

    Warbofrog

    SPINNERS

    Motivational video for Red Dwarf fans who are learning the art of plate spinning, featuring looped edits of Lister saying “spin on,” “spin on it,” “round and round,” “plate properly,” etc.

    #237087

    quinn_drummer

    THE STEELBOOK DAY

    Lister receives a Steelbook upgrade to his beloved DVD collection, but he can’t bare to part with them in return so he shoots the steelbook with a shotgun, which doesn’t make a dent.

    #237088

    quinn_drummer

    STEELBOOK TO RIDE

    After an altercation with their future selves, all the steelbooks have been destroyed leaving no trace. Lister and the crew travel back in time in search for more. After some hi-jinx, Lister forgets to ask if there is a HMV where they are.

    #237091

    Dave

    GUNMEN OF THE STEELBOOKALYPSE

    When simulants attack Starbug and upgrade their Blu-Ray covers to steelbooks, Lister throws them all at the simulant ship, destroying it.

    However, in their last gasp the simulants transmit a virus to Starbug, which Kryten absorbs and adapts into an imaginary Zavvi website of which he is the drunken master.

    Can Lister, Rimmer and Cat save the day by ordering a load of Blu-Rays at three times the usual price just because they’ve got a shit bit of old tin wrapped around them?

    #237092

    Dave

    PSTEELBOOKS

    The Starbug crew stumble across some mysterious shape-shifting Blu-Rays that are able to make themselves look more attractive and valuable by disguising themselves in a tatty covering of cheap metal. As a result, they must be on their guard lest one of them try to pay $£30 for a film they already own, just because it has nice cover art.

    #237095

    quinn_drummer

    STEELBOOK HOLE

    The crew stumble across a spacial anomaly spewing once thrown away steelbooks back into the universe. Rimmer quips that they’re neither steel, nor books, but no-one is listening. After a tumultuous time trying to find room on the DVD shelf for all the extra additions that keep flooding in, Lister decides to dump his VHS collection to make room, which ends up plugging the steelbook hole and preventing any more of them to clog up space and his sleeping quarters.

    #237096

    quinn_drummer

    STEELBOOK ECHOS

    Lister is browsing the ships intranet, looking at the up-coming steelbook releases, and he realise, the more time passes, the closer the release date gets.

    #237097

    quinn_drummer

    STEELBOOKOCRACY

    All the steelbooks are getting fed up with being looked down on for being overpriced excuses to claw more money off of poor consumers so move to elect a representative to bring equal status and stop all the bullying.

    The DVDs lose the election to the VHSs because they have a better nostalgic union.

    #237098

    quinn_drummer

    STEELBOOK-CORP

    Lister inadvertantly installs a virus aboard Red Dwarf that hides all forms of media that don’t come packages in a steelbook case.

    #237099

    quinn_drummer

    STEELBOOK TO RIDE: XTENDED

    Lister remembers that he lent all his steelbooks to Cat who hasn’t return them, so he goes and grabs them while he is napping, making their trip to Earth useless … except for the fact he was back on bloody Earth, the idiot!

    #237106

    cwickham

    RIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is torn in half.

    #237107

    cwickham

    CLIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister has his hair trimmed.

    #237108

    cwickham

    DIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is dunked in a sheep dip.

    #237109

    cwickham

    HIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister aims to become much cooler.

    #237110

    cwickham

    GYP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is swindled.

    #237111

    cwickham

    LIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister drinks milk like he’s a cat.

    #237112

    cwickham

    NIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is pinched.

    #237113

    cwickham

    PIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is narrowly beaten to something.

    #237114

    cwickham

    WHIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is horse-whipped.

    #237115

    cwickham

    ZIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister leaves his flies undone.

    #237116

    cwickham

    TIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is given some money.

    #237117

    cwickham

    SIP DAVE LISTER

    A Psiren tastes some of Lister’s brain juice.

    #237118

    cwickham

    FLIP DAVE LISTER

    Lister is attacked by Chaos 2.

    #237154

    Dave

    RIMMER’S UNIFORM COLOUR

    Lister plays a practical joke on Rimmer by spray-painting his blue ‘hardlight’ costume red while he’s asleep. On waking up, Rimmer assumes he’s switched to softlight and immediately bumps his head when he tries to walk through a wall.

    Meanwhile, Cat takes up gardening and Kryten misplaces his legs. But was it an accident?

    #237155

    Dave

    BLUE RAY IS LOADED

    When Lister finds a diary written by Ray, a hitherto unmentioned mate of his from before the accident that wiped out Red Dwarf’s crew, Lister realises his friend was secretly suffering from depression. He therefore decides to cheer him up by travelling back in time and arranging for him to win the ship’s lottery.

    #237156

    Dave

    RANKING KRYTEN’S COSMETIC APPEARANCES

    Kryten is dismayed when he wanders into the sleeping quarters and discovers all of his crewmates casually discussing their favourite look for the mechanoid, and how disappointed they are that he’s got a bit fat these days.

    #237157

    cwickham

    MICHAEL CAINESSANDRA

    Remastered version of “Cassandra” where the titular computer predicts that Rimmer will get locked in attick. Kryten figures out that this is completely false.

    #237158

    cwickham

    CAINE OF WORMS

    Remastered version of “Can of Worms” where the crew defeat the Polymorphs by locking them in attick.

    #237159

    cwickham

    CAINEWAVE

    All known copies of “Timewave” are rounded up and locked in attick.

    #237160

    cwickham

    THANKS FOR THE MICHAEL CAINERY

    Remake of “Thanks for the Memory” where Rimmer realises his memories are completely false.

    #237161

    Dave

    BUM-MEN OF THE A-PLOP-ALYPSE

    Red Dwarf Series Six, Episode Three, as rewritten by five-year-olds.

    #237162

    Warbofrog

    BUM-MEN OF WEE A-PLOP-URLGH!-LYPSE

    Red Dwarf Series Six, Episode Three, as rewritten by five-year-olds, script-edited by five-year-old me.

    #237174

    Warbofrog

    RUDE DWARF

    Rude fan edit of Red Dwarf that replaces every utterance of “cat” with “twat.” Someone watching for the first time wonders what happened to Lister’s pregnant girlfriend from before the accident and why Holly’s so rude about her in his intros.

    #237178

    quinn_drummer

    A CREATURE THAT EVOLVED FROM THE SHIPS TWAT

    The crew discover a rather disturbing monster in the cargo decks early on in the series, when it transpires the ships twat has evolved over 3 million years.

    #237179

    Dave

    LET’S GET OUT THERE AND ‘CAT’ IT

    Calls for a playground-friendly version of a classic Red Dwarf piece of merchandise result in this bowlderised T-shirt

    #237180

    quinn_drummer

    THE TWAT IN THE HAT

    In a parallel, as part of an official Red Dwarf tie in, Dr Seuss takes inspiration from the famous horror monster aboard Red Dwarf and writes a series of children’s books based around it.

    #237181

    quinn_drummer

    TWATICA

    The crew follow a highly evolved twat back to mid 20th century America where it plans to destroy the human race by making sex illegal.

    #237182

    quinn_drummer

    YOU’RE A COMPLETE CAT

    Howard, upon meeting Arnold for the first time in 3 million years, reaches for the deadliest insult he can find to put his brother down.

    #237183

    Dave

    TURN AWAY AND I’LL CHANGE – I’LL CHANGE CAT I REALLY AM

    The find+replace algorithm that rewrites Red Dwarf scripts to be more family-friendly goes beyond its remit and ends up butchering this climactic scene from CAMILLE.

    #237184

    quinn_drummer

    IT’S MR LISTER’S TWAT BRIDE

    Kryten thinks very little of Lister’s bride, and isn’t afraid to say so when he is astonished to see her several hundred years after they abandon her on a small barely habitable moon.

    #237185

    Dave

    TWAT TO REALITY

    Redubbed version of the classic Series V finale, in which every time Andy says ‘Twonk’ it is changed to ‘Twat’. This transforms the scene’s tone from gentle ribbing to outright bullying hostility.

    #237186

    Flap Jack

    IDENTITY KRYSIS

    The ship receives a distress call from a mechanoid calling himself “Kryten” (David Ross). After rescuing him and bringing him aboard, the new Kryten claims that the last time he saw them was when he first told Rimmer to fuck off, 30/hundreds of years ago, and accuses Kryten of being an imposter:

    “Whoever this mechanoid is, he’s a deluded loser with a stupid, unconvincing Canadian accent and a complete lack of grace or knowledge about appropriate groinal attachment usage. I mean, come on! He doesn’t look or sound anything like me! He isn’t even wearing a suit!”

    Can the 2 Krytens learn to co-exist on Red Dwarf? And is Kryten really an imposter who’s only on Red Dwarf as part of some long-winded evil scheme?

    #237187

    cwickham

    THE TWAT IN THE HAT REMASTERED

    James Corden arrives on board Red Dwarf, wearing a hat.

    #237188

    Dave

    IDENTITY WITHOUT

    When Cat and Lister try to get into a GELF bar to drink their hooch, they are turned away as they lack the relevant ID documents to prove that they are of drinking age. Undeterred, they embark on a variety of wacky schemes to get past the GELF bouncer (Ainsley Harriott) and get their pint of grog.

    #237198

    quinn_drummer

    I’VE NEVER RED A FUNNY BOOK

    Facing the possibility of his own death, Lister laments the fact he has never dipped a funny book in a can of red paint

    #237199

    cwickham

    RIP ARNOLD RIMMER

    New title for The End which will not appear on the Blu-ray release.

    #237200

    cwickham

    RIP CONFIDENCE

    New title for Confidence & Paranoia which will not appear on the Blu-ray release.

    #237201

    cwickham

    RIP FRANK HOLLISTER

    New title for Me2 which will not appear on the Blu-ray release after everyone gets distracted when they realise that not only does Hollister’s surname sound like a combination of ‘Holly’ and ‘Lister’, he has the same first name as Rimmer’s Uncle Frank.

    #237202

    cwickham

    RIP ARNOLD RIMMER AGAIN

    Sequel to “Stasis Leak”, set three weeks later.

    #237203

    cwickham

    RIP HUDZEN

    New title for “The Last Day” which will appear on the HD-DVD release.

    #237204

    cwickham

    RIP JOHN F KENNEDY

    New title for “Tikka to Ride” which will appear on the 25th anniversary VHS reissue.

    #237205

    cwickham

    RIP ACE RIMMER

    New title for “Stoke Me a Clipper” which will appear on the Betamax release.

    #237206

    cwickham

    RIP GOOD TASTE AND COMPETENT WRITING

    New title for “Back in the Red (Part Two)” which will appear on the Laserdisc release.

    #237207

    cwickham

    RIP ALL FEMALE GUEST CHARACTERS

    New subtitle for Series X which will appear on the 10th anniversary Blu-ray with special VHS-style packaging.

    #237208

    Dave

    RIP DVDs

    Lister learns how to copy DVDs on his computer, which he then sells out of a carrier bag in BEGG pubs.

    #237211

    quinn_drummer

    RIP HIS NIPPLES OFF

    Lister rips Death’s nipples off like he promised he would in episode two. Rimmer claims to have kneed him in the bollocks but no one believe him.

    #237213

    Warbofrog

    THE HUNT FOR RED DWARF OCTOBER

    Red Dwarf fans exhaust their Google skills arsenal trying to find news about the promised Blu-ray edition, then realise they could just ask Doug.

    #237220

    Dave

    DATESLIDES

    Documentary about the making of the Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu-Ray set.

    #237221

    Warbofrog

    LEAD DWARF

    Alternate universe story where Lister was encased in molten lead, Han Solo style, to deprive him of 18 months’ worth of x-rays. This saves him from the accident, but after being revived he becomes noticeably worse for wear as the series goes on.

    #237223

    Dave

    FRED WOLF

    Animation legend of the ’80s and’ 90s whose name always showed up in big letters at the end of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    #237241

    L. T. Dangerous

    THE FUCKING END: ReFucked

    The End but with words replaced with “fuck”.

    “Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a fucking mallet? No? Then shut up and fuck the trolley”

    #237242

    Bargain Bin Holly

    BETTER THAN SEX

    A new total immersion porno game has been discovered by the crew following the arrival of the post pod. As advertised, the game promises the user will “cum 17 times per second guaranteed or your money back.”

    #237244

    Warbofrog

    1-0 TO LISTY POOS

    Cat and Lister compete to have a bowel movement.

    #237245

    Warbofrog

    DOES MOUSE SHIT ROLL?

    Documentary. Danny John Jules talks to leading zoologists and conducts a practical experiment to answer this important rhetorical question.

    #237246

    Warbofrog

    BULL PATS

    Pat Sharp and Sir Patrick Stewart have uncredited cameos playing a pantomime bull. Due to restrictions on the use of animal performers, their character is hastily changed to a doomed woman at the last minute.

    #237247

    Dave

    WHERE DO ALL THE CALCULATORS GO

    Documentary by Robert Llewellyn about Casio’s export sales.

    #237248

    Dave

    WHERE DO ALL THE CALCUTTANS GO

    Documentary by Robert Llewellyn about emigration from the capital of West Bengal.

    #237249

    Dave

    WHERE DO ALL THE COW CURATORS GO

    Documentary by Robert Llewellyn about the decline of Britain’s farming industry.

    #237250

    Dave

    WHERE DO ALL THE KEELE COLLECTORS GO

    Documentary by Robert Llewellyn about hobbyists living in a village in Northern Staffordshire.

    #237251

    Dave

    WHERE DO ALL THE KILL CRAZIES GO

    Documentary by Robert Llewellyn about Jake Wood’s career.

    #237252

    cwickham

    WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO

    Documentary by Robert Llewellyn about Whitney Houston.

    #237253

    Dave

    WHERE DOES GO GO

    Robert Llewellyn redesigns the Monopoly board.

    #237254

    Dave

    WHERE DO YOU GO TO MY LOVELY

    Hit song by Peter Sarstedt that is nothing to do with Red Dwarf.

    #237255

    bloodteller

    FUCKER ECHOES: REFUCKED

    Future Echoes, re-dubbed to replace choice words with “fuck”. Highlights include-

    “You can’t whack Death on the head.”

    “If he comes near me I’m gonna fuck his nipples off!”

    ————-

    “Did you see something really weird in the mirror?”

    “Yes you, you ugly fuck.”

    #237256

    quinn_drummer

    WHERE DID ALL THE CAUCASIANS GO?

    Documentary with Robert Llewellyn and ex BNP leader Nick Griffin investigating the white genocide of the UK before revealing it’s a load of racist nonsense and throwing him out an airlock

    #237257

    quinn_drummer

    SILICON HEAVEN 17

    Undeterred by his attempts to build a real woman, Holly attempts to craft 80s Synth-pop band Heaven 17 out of silicon. The monstrous results leads to the crew blasting the creature to pieces, off screen during the credit sequence.

    #237258

    quinn_drummer

    BLUE MIDGET DUBADEEDUBADAAAAY

    Red Dwarf remix of the popular Eiffel 65 song

    #237259

    Dave

    STAR BUG

    Lister watches the Herbie movies for the first time and becomes obsessed with the eponymous Volkswagen.

    #237260

    quinn_drummer

    RED WORF

    Title for the boxset of the first series of Star Trek the Next Generation and series 4-7 of Deep Space Nine, that has nothing to do with Red Dwarf.

    #237261

    quinn_drummer

    WHITE HOLE

    Cat bleaches his arse

    #237262

    quinn_drummer

    TIGHT HOLE

    A horny Cat sticks his dick in a small drainage outlet and gets stuck

    #237263

    quinn_drummer

    HEIGHT HOLE

    The crew stumble upon a spacial anomaly that spews height back into the universe, making them really tall and having to duck through doorways.

    #237265

    cwickham

    IDENTITY: CAINE-IN

    The Dwarfers discover the identity of the man locked in attick.

    #237266

    cwickham

    CAINEARCHY

    Rather than get Lister a completely false new arm, Kryten, Cat and Kochanski lock him in attick.

    #237267

    cwickham

    CAINE-ARCHIE

    Michael Caine is locked in attick with Kryten’s penis.

    #237268

    cwickham

    ATTICKRYISIS

    The Dwarfers deal with Kryten’s mid-life crisis by locking him in attick.

    #237269

    cwickham

    ATTICK TO REALITY

    The Dwarfers have a hallucination caused by the despair squid, but figure out it is completely false.

    #237271

    clem

    MAURICE MICKLEWHITE HOLE

    A hole in space-time spews Michael Caine’s real name back into the universe.

    #237299

    Dave

    RIGHT HOLE

    When a hole spewing fashionable rightwing veiled racism into the universe appears in the vicinity of a fansite based around Red Dwarf, no-one clicks on the YouTube link it provides.

    #237307

    cwickham

    SMEGGING DOESN’T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS

    Gregg Wallace arrives from a parallel universe to challenge the Dwarfers to a cookery-based challenge, but he is sued by the owners of the rights to “Can’t Smeg Won’t Smeg”.

    #237326

    cwickham

    KRAYSIS

    The Dwarfers help Reggie Kray get over his midlife crisis.

    #237327

    cwickham

    KRAYFISH

    Ronnie Kray goes fishing.

    #237328

    cwickham

    KRYFISH

    Kryten is turned into a fish.

    #237331

    Warbofrog

    THE EXCITEMENT OF BEEING FREE HAS KILLED HIM

    Pete the sparrow has a fatal heart attack when he finds the beekeeping guide he was looking for at no cost.

    #237332

    Warbofrog

    BETTER THAN LINE

    Special feature on the new Blu-ray set. Doug Naylor is taken to task for including the line “the excitement of being free has killed him” in a Red Dwarf episode and is forced to come up with a less lazy contrivance of getting from A to B that doesn’t credit a bird with an unrealistic level of awareness to notice the change in its circumstances despite still being in a cage anyway.

    #237334

    cwickham

    BAYSIS

    The Dwarfers help Michael Bay get over his midlife crisis.

    #237369

    Dave

    DNA II: BONGOMORPH

    Sequel to DNA. Kryten, still in human form, accidentally falls through a dimensional portal and finds himself in a job interview to become head of an experimental space corps test-pilot facility, a position which he accepts under the nonsensical name of Bongo. He soon recruits Ace Rimmer to test out a new ship capable of breaking the speed of reality, and hides in the boot so that he can get back his own universe.

    However, when the Wildfire arrives and crashes into Starbug, human-Kryten realises that there is already another droid Kryten aboard, presumably a future version of himself – thus, he decides to bide his time hiding from everyone else in Red Dwarf and Starbug until he acquires the wherewithal to travel back in time to rejoin the crew at an earlier juncture, which he finally achieves when the crew discover the time drive years later.

    Unfortunately, he overshoots and ends up stuck way in the past, and gets another job working for Divadroid International – where he allows himself to be used as a model for the factory-reset programme and also records a promotional video for the new Hudzen-10 model, despatching one to follow Red Dwarf into deep space. He stows away and hides in Hudzen’s pod in a secret stasis compartment, for three million years.

    Escaping the pod while the crew are distracted by the fight with Hudzen, ‘Bongo’ yet again hides in Red Dwarf for another year until the crew discover the DNA ship. Sneaking in just after his earlier self turns human, he uses the machine to turn himself back into a mechanoid and then – after the curry monster has been defeated – he trips up human-Kryten and makes him fall back into a dimensional portal while the rest of the crew aren’t looking, taking his place.

    They don’t bat an eyelid when they notice that Kryten is human again, with Lister especially distracted by the concern that he is coming down with a bout of space mumps.

    #237403

    Dave

    POLYMORPH IV: TONYHAWK

    Self-referential episode in which the Boys From the Dwarf discover that every character played by the eponymous semi-regular bit-part actor was actually the same chameleonic lifeform trying to adapt to its environment. They finally capture it when it attempts to navigate its way around Ireland with a fridge.

    #237464

    Pete Part Three

    STATUS LEAK

    A group of fans repeatedly press F5 on the Amazon page for the Red Dwarf blu-ray set, hoping that they might get some kind of clue as to when the bloody thing will be released.

    #237465

    Dave

    THE LAST RAY

    The Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu-Ray set is delayed for so long that it becomes the final ever release of anything in the format.

    #237475

    Dave

    THIRTY-SIX OF THE BEST

    New name for the Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu-Ray set.

    #237476

    Dave

    RED DWARF SERIES 1-8 BRULÉE

    Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu-Ray set, as pronounced by a vending machine in Fathers & Suns.

    #237477

    cwickham

    THE LAST REY

    Daisy Ridley decides to retire from acting after filming a guest spot in Red Dwarf.

    #237478

    Flap Jack

    BLU HOLE

    Kryten spends 4 weeks glumly staring at the gap in his shelf that he’d made specificially for the Androids Series 1-8000 Blu ray set. Eventually he realises that the ship has drifted into range of a blue hole, which spews time in a way that causes Blu ray delivery dates to be perpetually 3 weeks away.

    REGION

    In order to avoid the dreaded frame rate speed-up, some excited North American Red Dwarf fans import the Series 1-8 Blu ray set from the UK, only to discover that they’ve been locked to Region B and therefore can’t be played.

    BLU-RAY-BOROS

    After noticing that the release date for the Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu ray set has been pushed back yet again without his knowledge, Doug Naylor discovers that the reason for the delay is that the master copies of the set went missing a day before production was due to begin! Desperate to resolve the problem, Doug endeavours to travel back in time and steal the masters before they go missing.

    #237479

    Dave

    BACK TO RAYALITY

    A group of Red Dwarf fans awakens from a total-immersion videogame that made them believe they had been waiting for a constantly-delayed Blu-Ray release of their favourite show for the last four years. In reality, it has in fact been eight years.

    #237480

    Pete Part Three

    ETA

    The text on several commerce websites keep being transmogrified, altering the release date of the Red Dwarf Blu-ray set. Meanwhile, when will the Blue Midget page be updated?

    #237503

    Warbofrog

    HELLY

    Holly gets possessed by Satan. Kryten figures out how to perform an exorcism.

    #237504

    Warbofrog

    THE SHUTTLE WAS LATE

    Blue Midget dies.

    #237505

    Warbofrog

    BODYSWOT

    Rimmer borrows Lister’s body again and is really diligent about treating it how he promised this time.

    #237506

    cwickham

    WMD

    The DNA machine returns, and turns Lister into Tony Blair.

    #237509

    Dave

    FUTURE RAYCHOES

    Rimmer sees a Future Echo of an elderly Lister apear, and demands to know exactly when the Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu-Ray set will finally be released – but Lister just laughs in his face and disappears before the date can be revealed.

    #237594

    cwickham

    BEE-NA

    The DNA machine returns, and turns Lister into a bee.

    #237595

    cwickham

    SEA-NA

    The DNA machine returns, and turns Lister into a sea anemone.

    #237596

    cwickham

    HOLY SEE-NA

    The DNA machine returns, and turns Lister into the Pope.

    #237597

    cwickham

    ME2NA

    The DNA machine returns, and turns everyone into duplicates of Rimmer, which is represented solely by archive footage from Me2.

    #237600

    cwickham

    WHITE HUW

    Huw Edwards arrives from a parallel universe, trying to find out where Bob is.

    #237609

    Warbofrog

    YOU SAID LOOK TRANSPICUOUS

    Newly discovered smeg up from Backwards. When Robert Llewellyn removes the Ronald Reagan mask, he accidentally pulls off the Kryten mask as well, taking his real face skin with it and requiring emergency medical intervention. Noel Edmonds!

    #237674

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE REYNOLDS

    The actor who played Colin Mathews in Press Gang arrives from a parallel universe, looking for an acting job.

    #237685

    cwickham

    BRANDRETH IN THE RED

    Gyles Brandreth arrives from a parallel universe.

    #237686

    cwickham

    BROTH IN THE RED

    Lister discovers the ship’s hitherto unmentioned supply of broth.

    #237693

    bloodteller

    CHEETAHMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    The posse play Action 52 on NES, but upon playing one of its most infamous games they inexplicably decide to destroy everything in the universe. But was it an accident?

    #237694

    bloodteller

    EMOHAWK-CHEETAHMEN II

    The posse play the unreleased sequel to Cheetahmen. But why?

    #237695

    bloodteller

    BACK IN THE RED- PART CHEE(TAHMEN)

    In the most contrived Cheetahmen title yet, the posse don’t do anything because there wasn’t a third Cheetahmen game

    #237696

    Warbofrog

    CHEETARA TO RIDE

    Lister and Cat fantasise about making love to the girl one from Thundercats.

    #237697

    Dave

    FUTURE CHEETOS

    Lister plans to try a new savoury snack later that day.

    #237700

    bloodteller

    BOTH CHEETAH MEN, SHE NEARLY WORE THEM DOWN TO THE BONE

    Lister brutally taunts Rimmer by explaining how extensively McGruder used to play his NES collection with him. Rimmer becomes upset

    #237701

    bloodteller

    BOTH GEEKS MAN, SHE NEARLY WORE THEM DOWN TO THE BONE

    Lister brutally taunts Rimmer by explaining he bought two copies of the Red Dwarf-Beat The Geek DVD Game, and that he and McGruder played them both. Rimmer is confused because unlike VHS tapes which will eventually decay over time, you can’t really wear out a DVD and so provided you look after it well enough it should (supposedly) last forever

    #237703

    Dave

    TWIN PEAKS, MAN

    Lister recommends that Rimmer watch an old David Lynch TV series.

    #237704

    Dave

    BOUTIQUES, MAN

    Lister tells Rimmer he should start visiting fancy non-chain shops.

    #237705

    Dave

    MYSTIQUES, MAN

    Lister debates whether Jennifer Lawrence or Rebecca Romjin was better at playing the titular X-Man.

    #237706

    Dave

    ROSEWOOD, MAHOGANY, TEAK, MAN

    Lister quotes an amusing line from The Kipper And The Corpse after a Fawlty Towers binge.

    #237707

    Dave

    THE SKIPPER AND THE CORPSE

    After journeying through countless alternate realities, Rimmer lands in one where he is the manager of a Torquay hotel who has to conceal the dead body of one of his guests.

    #237708

    Dave

    BASIL THE MR RAT

    Nightmarish remake of the classic Fawlty Towers episode in which Manuel’s pet rat is six feet tall and played by Danny John Jules.

    #237713

    cwickham

    THERE ARE CATS

    Remake of the final episode of “Press Gang” where Lynda warns of the dangers of watching a Series VIII DVD, should you happen to see one.

    #237778

    cwickham

    TCP DAVE LISTER

    Lister can smell TCP somewhere. Before Doug can finish the script, he is sued for plagiarism by an overly-enthusiastic David Renwick.

    #237901

    Dave

    INFINITY WELCOMES PATIENT VIEWERS

    Doug Naylor admits that, due to production issues, the Red Dwarf Series 1-8 Blu-Ray set has now been delayed by three million years.

    #237933

    peas_and_corn

    WAITING FOR GROCERIES

    Kochanski goes to the shops in her submarine without asking Farmer Lister if he wants anything. He wonders what she’ll get.

    #238017

    tombow

    yes sirs they’ve been around – Rimmer and Lister root around in Kochanski and MacGruder’s old room and find their dating diaries in a hidden panel. The episode ends on the punchline of both of them shouting simultaneously “what a slag!”, which prompts pages of discussion on a review’s comments on whether they were justified in using the word.

    #238018

    Warbofrog

    PRECUM TO NANARCHY

    Lister’s bodybuilder body makes men wet.

    #238019

    Warbofrog

    QUATLOOS TO NANARCHY

    Disembodied alien brains place bets on which version of Holly will appear.

    #238020

    Warbofrog

    BAILIFFS TO NANARCHY

    A fan’s home contents are removed while he sits on the floor watching Red Dwarf to distract himself.

    #238021

    Dave

    VINDALOOED TO NANARCHY

    Lister eats a curry shortly before the events of Series VII episode 8.

    #238022

    Dave

    THE LOST HUMAN

    Lister goes down to Z-deck for a stroll and can’t remember how to get back to the sleeping quarters.

    #238023

    Dave

    BLACKWARDS

    Ill-advised Blaxploitation remake of Red Dwarf Series III episode 1.

    #238024

    Dave

    BLACK TO REALITY

    Ill-advised Blaxploitation remake of Red Dwarf Series V episode 6.

    #238025

    Dave

    BLACK IN THE RED

    Blaxploitation remake of Red Dwarf Series VIII episodes 1-3. It is better than the original.

    #238026

    Dave

    THE ONE WHERE EVERYONE’S LISTER

    The cast wear long-johns and leathers and put on bad Liverpudlian accents.

    #238027

    Dave

    THE ONE WHERE EVERYONE’S EVERYONE

    Confusing episode in which the main cast are constantly swapping roles.

    #238028

    Dave

    THE ONE WHERE SOMEONE’S EVERYONE

    New name for ‘Legion’ that will appear on the Blu-Ray boxset.

    #238029

    Dave

    THE ONES WHERE NO-ONE’S EVERYONE

    New name for every episode except ‘Legion’ that will appear on the Blu-Ray boxset.

    #238030

    si

    THE ONE WHERE SOMEONE’S NO-ONE

    Blu-ray title for Polymorph based upon Cat’s persona.

    #238035

    Dave

    THE ONE WHERE SOMEONE’S MAIDEN TY-ONE

    Rob Grant’s ‘Backwards’ is reprinted under a new title.

    #238050

    Pete Part Three

    WETTER THAN FIFE

    Lister takes Kochanski on a holiday in 23rd century Glasgow via the Rejuvenation shower. Unfortunately, he gets the co-ordinates slightly wrong and they materialise in Fife. They then have to walk the 70 miles to Glasgow, where it’s raining.

    #238057

    cwickham

    SETTER THEN FIFE

    Lister becomes a dog to get out of prison, but rather than being released, he is transferred to a new facility in Fife.

    #238058

    Dave

    DUETTER THEN FIFE

    After playing guitar with Lister, Hitler decides to follow it up with a flute solo.

    #238059

    cwickham

    BUTTER MEN FIFE

    Fife is invaded by the Butter Men, a mutant race made entirely from butter.

    #238060

    cwickham

    BUTTER RAMEN KNIFE

    Lister chops up some buttered noodles.

    #238061

    cwickham

    BETTER RAM KNIFE

    Lister finds a more efficient way of killing sheep.

    #238062

    cwickham

    JACK-JACK IN THE RED

    Crossover with The Incredibles.

    #238063

    cwickham

    TRO-McGANN

    Remastered version of Trojan where all the McGann brothers play Rimmer’s brothers.

    #238064

    Dave

    DO. WE. BELIEVE?

    Sunday-morning theological discussion show hosted by Kryten.

    #238065

    Dave

    DO. WE. BEREAVE?

    Kryten tries to work out how many people the Red Dwarf crew has killed.

    #238066

    Dave

    POO. WEE. BELIEVE?

    Cat, Lister and Kryten discuss whether they think Rimmer has hologrammatic bodily functions.

    #238067

    bloodteller

    LAMBSARA

    The posse discover a ship where good behaviour is rewarded by a nice, juicy leg of lamb with mixed vegetables and a lovely onion gravy

    #238069

    bloodteller

    DO. WE. BEE LEAVE

    Kryten’s big speech at the end of Legion is interrupted by an insect, which he rather bluntly asks to go away

    #238070

    Warbofrog

    POSTMAN PAT, POSTMAN PAT, POSTMAN PAT AND A LIFEFORM WHO EVOLVED FROM HIS CAT

    Space-age update of the popular children’s mail delivery series. Described by one review site as “pretty much Red Dwarf.”

    #238072

    Dave

    WHITE MIDGET CAN’T JUMP

    Drama starring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes in which the titular shuttlecraft is disappointed that it was never given legs like its dancing Blue counterpart.

    #238074

    Warbofrog

    PETE TRANTER’S TRANS SISTER’S TRANSISTORS

    Doug has a crack at trans issues. It goes as well as you’d expect.

    #238149

    bloodteller

    DALLIANCE OF POWER

    lost episode from series 1 in which rimmer and lister try to seduce each other out of boredom. when lister becomes the sexually dominant one of the relationship due to rimmer’s intangible status, rimmer becomes annoyed and they have to break up

    #238150

    Dave

    LANCE OF POO-ER

    A knight escapes from the AR machine and shits everywhere. Lister nicks his weapon and impales him while on the bog.

    #238151

    Dave

    GOLLANCZ OF POWER

    Rob Grant renegotiates his publishing contract.

    #238152

    Dave

    DALLAS OF POWER

    Deleted scene from Tikka in which a newly-immoral Kryten deliberately reprograms the time drive to take them to the wrong place.

    #238158

    cwickham

    A SERIES OF SMEGGY EVENTS – BOOK THE FIRST: THE BAD SMEGINNING

    Count Olaf arrives from a parallel universe to try and steal Rimmer’s fortune.

    #238159

    bloodteller

    KRAYTWIN

    ronald “ronnie” kray is beamed onboard by rimmer in order to help him with more effectively hiding lister’s cigarettes, but ultimately just ends up ruling over red dwarf with an iron fist. in order to subjugate the now power-mad ronnie, the posse shoot him with the laser cannons

    #238160

    Warbofrog

    TOTS TV

    A specialist channel that broadcasts Rimmer and Lister’s “tot!” exchange on an endless loop.

    #238161

    Warbofrog

    TOTS TV

    Germany’s all-hologram channel.

    #238162

    Warbofrog

    TITS TV

    New vulgar edit of Krytie TV that will appear on the Blu-ray set and explains the delay.

    #238163

    Warbofrog

    TUTS TV

    Strangely-themed compilation of all tutting and tut-based references in Red Dwarf, including Lister mentioning Tutankhamun in Back in the Red.

    #238164

    Warbofrog

    TATTS TV

    Livestream from an exclusively Red Dwarf themed tattoo parlour.

    #238165

    Warbofrog

    TETS TV

    That’s not a word.

    #238166

    Warbofrog

    THE CURED

    The one where everyone’s Robert Smith.

    #238167

    Warbofrog

    MANURED

    Biff Tannen steals the Time Drive but crashes into a space manure truck before he can cause any trouble.

    #238168

    Warbofrog

    DEMURED

    The crew are zapped by a ray that makes them polite and reserved.

    #238169

    Warbofrog

    DEMIMOORED

    Mean-spirited photoshoot for series XIII that forces the ageing cast to recreate the famous Vanity Fair cover.

    #238170

    Warbofrog

    RED LETTER JAWSCVMCDIA

    Jawscvmcdia puts on a funny voice and makes a three-hour video ruthlessly scrutinising the ‘D’ in various Red Dwarf logos, spawning catchphrases (“what’s wrong with your typeface?”) and with a B-plot about him murdering prostitutes or something. His subjective insights are cited as conversation-ending fact any time the subject is brought up again ever.

    #238171

    Dave

    WAITING FOR 4000

    It’s going to be like this until the end of the page, isn’t it.

    #238172

    Warbofrog

    ONLY A SHEEP AND A COW AND HORSES

    Half-brothers Sebastian and William “Billy” Doyle share a flat in Peckham with their senile grandad. Sebastian insists that this time next year he’ll be living his dream in Fiji, but in the meantime he has to keep up the day job of being a ruthless fascist dictator with hilarious consequences.

    #238173

    Warbofrog

    GOODNIGHT SWOEDIPALHEART

    Lister reconsiders abandoning a helpless baby in a pub and goes back to retrieve himself. He accidentally ends up in the 1940s and has an affair with a barmaid who turns out to be one of his and Kochanski’s ancestors, knotting his disgusting family tree even tighter.

    #238176

    bloodteller

    GUNMEN WITH VEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    Version of Gunmen Of The Apocalypse wherein the Apocalypse Boys are digitally replaced with Jez and Super Hans, who have teamed up with dual vans to take down Kryten once and for all. Rimmer pathetically tries to distract them with some drugs crudely sellotaped to a frisbee but it doesn’t work and Kryten is rammed to death by the dual vans

    #238177

    bloodteller

    PEEP-PART 2

    Mark drinks some cold medicine and shits everywhere

    #238180

    Dave

    FATHERS AND SUZE

    Big Suze turns up on Red Dwarf and… No wait, that actually happened didn’t it.

    #238202

    bloodteller

    MEN WITH VEN OF HONOR

    Mark, Jez and Super Hans crash the van in the middle of a blizzard. As they await rescue, their situation becomes increasingly bleak and their chances of survival slim. All they have to eat between them is some pasta, baked beans, lovely filling lettuce, two eggs, and some Dairylea Mark has rolled up with his hands. Oh, and they found a dead dog in the tool cupboard.

    ————————————————————————————————–

    MARK- You’re going to eat the dog.

    JEZ- I’m hungry, Mark! I haven’t had any breakfast. Yes, I’m going to eat the dog.

    MARK- I’m sure the dog will be lovely.

    JEZ- This isn’t a dog. It’s a horrible, under-cooked, disgusting turkey leg.

    #238203

    Dave

    BACK, TO EARTH

    Jez and Mark discover a portal to a new reality where they are estranged brothers trying to run their dead dad’s pub, and everything is slightly less funny than Peep Show.

    #238204

    cwickham

    AL JAZEERA FOR AN EPISODE

    Dave decides not to recommission Red Dwarf, so Doug decides to write one final wrap-up episode, but has to find a new channel for it to air on.

    #238205

    Warbofrog

    A DEER FOR AN EPISODE

    Something goes wrong with the playback of series XII episode 1 and Dave’s hologram deer ident stays on the screen for 30 minutes instead. Still better than Timewave ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *cough*

    #238206

    Dave

    IDEA FOR AN EPIDURAL

    Lister gets turned into a chicken again.

    #238207

    cwickham

    THE END

    Due to an adminstrative cock-up, a novel by Daniel Handler writing under a pen name is accidentally broadcast instead of an episode of Red Dwarf.

    #238208

    cwickham

    THE END

    Due to an adminstrative cock-up, an episode of Absolutely Fabulous is accidentally broadcast instead of an episode of Red Dwarf.

    #238209

    cwickham

    THE END

    Episode set in the third dimension of Minecraft.

    #238210

    cwickham

    THE END

    Episode concerning a little-known British psychedelic pop band from the 1960s.

    #238211

    Paul Muller

    ID FOR AN EPISODE

    A 14 year old tries to purchase a copy of Series III Byte 1 on VHS.

    #238213

    cwickham

    THE BAD BEGINNING

    Remake of The Beginning where Hoguey the Roguey is recast to Count Olaf.

    #238214

    Dave

    BATMAN BEGINNINGS

    Bruce Wayne plays a holographic message from his dead father that reveals he is actually the son of Alfred. “Look out cave, the bat’s coming home!”

    #238216

    Dave

    KOCHAN SKI SUNDAY

    Clare Grogan and Chloë Annett present coverage of winter sports.

    #238217

    Paul Muller

    MATCH OF THE LAST DAY

    Highlights and analysis of day’s Premiere League football matches, presented by Gordon Kennedy. Sponsored by Strepsils.

    #238219

    cwickham

    PEN SIRENS

    Rimmer gets some new pens that have sirens built into them.

    #238220

    Dave

    QSIRENS

    Rimmer and Lister watch QI and keep guessing the most obvious (and incorrect) answers.

    #238221

    Paul Muller

    SI WRENS

    G&T Regular Si Bromley nurses a pair of young wrens back to health after they fall from their nest.

    #238222

    cwickham

    HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER’S SMEG

    Lord Voldemort arrives from a parallel universe and reveals he killed Lister’s parents.

    #238223

    cwickham

    QUEUE SIRENS

    The Dwarfers meet some attractive people who are standing in a queue.

    #238224

    Dave

    PUSS IRENE’S

    Upon closer inspection of the stasis booths at the ERRA institute, the crew find that Irene E had a pet cat that was also frozen in time. They unfreeze it but it immediately escapes and finds the Time Drive, travels back to Titan and has sex with Frankenstein shortly before Lister brings her on to Red Dwarf, thus becoming the grandfather of the entire cat race.

    Because with Cat and Irene E’s cat going round and round in time, the cat race can never truly become extinct.

    #238232

    quinn_drummer

    IRENE E FOR AN EPISODE

    Sydney Stevenson gets a call from her agent with an exciting job offer

    #238233

    quinn_drummer

    POPPING E FOR AN EPISODE

    The cast take ecstasy prior to the Friday night live record, resulting in a hurried re-write by Doug to include a reason for all 4 members of the crew to be dancing and drinking a lot of water.

    #238237

    Dave

    THE LUST DAY

    X-rated straight-to-video episode in which Lister spends 24 hours in a sex-crazed stupor.

    #238238

    Dave

    THE LIST DAY

    Extremely dull episode in which Lister catalogues everything on Starbug.

    #238239

    Dave

    THE ‘LOST’ DAY

    Lister binge-watches a popular but ultimately slightly disappointing and overrated early-2000s TV series.

    #238251

    Warbofrog

    KUNG-FU KRYTING

    Kryten teaches martial arts to a young child who mispronounces his name.

    #238252

    Warbofrog

    GO CAT

    Cat competes in a go tournament to win some dry cat food.

    #238253

    Warbofrog

    LISTAR

    Lister learns how to stretch out his arms to grab enemies and swing across pits.

    #238254

    Warbofrog

    RIM RIM RIM RIM RIMMER

    Rimmer gets a motorbike.

    #238255

    Warbofrog

    (NEW WAVE) HOLLY

    Holly’s dialogue from series one and two is re-recorded at a faster pace.

    #238258

    Pete Part Three

    CUH DEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    Harry Enfield guest stars, reviving one of his lesser-seen characters; Mr Cuh Dear. He spends the entire episode expressing everlasting exasperation at events, and then dies.

    #238264

    cwickham

    ONLY ME FOR AN EPISODE

    Sequel to “CUH DEAR FOR AN EPISODE”.

    #238266

    Dave

    TIMSLIDES

    Tim Nice-But-Dim turns up and judges Rimmer to be a bloody good bloke.

    #238268

    Dave

    SILICONE KEVIN

    Kevin the teenager declares life on Red Dwarf to be so unfair for Kryten.

    #238269

    Dave

    STAV KNOT

    Harry Enfield finds himself in a tricky situation when he is beamed aboard Red Dwarf and asked to explain such a crude Greek stereotype.

    #238270

    cwickham

    STAB KNOT

    Rimmer is challenged to untie a knot, but stabs it to pieces instead.

    #238283

    cwickham

    IMMORTAL BARDYSNATCHER

    Rimmer steals some of William Shakespeare’s body parts.

    #238284

    cwickham

    BARNEYSNATCHER

    Rimmer steals some of Fred Flintstone’s friend’s body parts.

    #238285

    clem

    ENGLISH FOR GELFS

    Doug sticks to the ‘no aliens’ rule in another rip off of an old Harry Enfield sketch.

    #238291

    cwickham

    VAR KNOT

    Lister insists video assistant referees should knot be allowed in football.

    #238322

    Dave

    LIGHT BEEYOND A JOKE

    Rimmer discovers that he has a brother he never knew about who also served on Red Dwarf. He therefore boots up a hologram version from the ship’s files and is disgusted to learn his sibling is a dim-witted drug addict, who later kills himself valiantly to save the Boys From The Dwarf.

    Taking his dead brother’s remaining physical presence to be buried, he quips to his shipmates “he ain’t heavy sirs, he’s a light bee”.

    #238324

    Dave

    BACK TO BEEALITY

    Rimmer’s light bee wakes up to discover that its life as a light bee on Red Dwarf was an elaborate total-immersion videogame, and he is actually a pencil sharpener called Daniel.

    #238325

    Dave

    BEE-CORP

    Rimmer’s light bee malfunctions, turning Rimmer permanently invisible. He therefore uses his unseeable status to play practical jokes on the rest of the Red Dwarf crew and make them believe the ship is haunted.

    #238326

    Dave

    MECHOCRABEE

    Rimmer’s light bee becomes president of the ship. Somehow.

    #238327

    Dave

    THE ONE WHERE EVERYBODY’S DEAD

    Alternative title for The End that won’t appear on the Blu-Ray boxset because it won’t ever come out.

    #238328

    Dave

    EVERYBODY’S DEED, DAVE

    Special episode in which every character is played by Martin Shaw of ‘Judge John Deed’ fame.

    #238332

    cwickham

    EVERYBODY’S BLED, DAVE

    New version of The End where everyone dies after Holly prescribes a round of bloodletting, but forgets when to stop.

    #238334

    Dave

    EVERYBODY’S DEN, DAVE

    Alternative reality in which Leslie Grantham is simultaneously cast in all four major roles in Red Dwarf Series 1.

    #238335

    Dave

    EVERYBODY’S DAD, DAVE

    Special episode in which the cast’s children are all cast in supporting roles.

    #238336

    Paul Muller

    EVERYBODY’S Dave DAVE

    Special episode in which G&T regular Dave is forced to read through all 3981 posts in the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread in front of a visibly baffled and increasingly angry Doug Naylor.

    #238338

    bloodteller

    EVERYBODY’S BUTTHEAD, DAVE

    The annual Red Dwarf Halloween Party gets a little awkward when everyone turns up as the slightly more unpleasant half of the famous animated MTV duo.

    #238339

    bloodteller

    EVERYBODY’S IN HAMPSTEAD, DAVE

    Alternate universe in which the radiation leak never happened, and Lister serves his 18 months in Stasis. Upon leaving, he is initially alarmed to discover the crew are gone but is soon informed by Holly that they are all on shore leave in London having a lovely time

    #238345

    Dave

    BRANARCHY

    Lister and Cat are disappointed to discover that the only breakfast cereals left on board are All Bran and Bran Flakes. They therefore stage a revolt, until Kryten manufactures some Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes to mollify them.

    #238346

    Dave

    GRANARCHY

    Kryten’s nanobots resurrect Lister’s grandma, who subsequently dies by tripping and falling out of an airlock. But was it an accident?

    #238347

    Dave

    PANARCHY

    Lister sets up the Church of the Frying Pantheist.

    #238348

    Dave

    DANARCHY

    Oh I don’t know, something about someone called Dan.

    #238351

    Warbofrog

    NEARLIES 4000

    Kryten settles in to watch the exciting race to the finish of page 8, only to discover that the Idea for an episode thread is no longer interested in the audience it used to attract.

    #238353

    Flap Jack

    IX OF THE BEST

    Ganymede & Titan forum posters are shocked to discover that the eagerly anticipated ninth page of the ‘Idea for an episode’ thread is capped at 100 posts and is labelled as “N/A” in the site pagination.

    Though confused, they assure themselves this means that it’s a special page, and the next page will be Page 9. When they find out that the next page is “Page 10” somehow, they storm Ian Symes’s Ibiza mansion to demand answers.

    “Look, I don’t know what you nerds are so baffled about. It’s extremely simple!” he shouts from his balcony, visibly exasperated. “There is no Page 9 of the ‘Idea for an episode’ thread, the ninth page is Page 10, and the 100 posts in-between Pages 8 and 10 don’t count as a page, even if it exhibits all the characteristics of one – it’s just N/A. Duh.”

    The mob of forum posters figure that even though this was in no way a satisfactory answer, they’re probably not going to get a better one. So they decide to give up and go to the beach to play basketball while on Viagra, in recreation of the fan favourite Red Dwarf episode, ‘Timewave’.

    #238354

    Dave

    Ah fuck it, I’ve been waiting to make that Page 9 joke for weeks. Pissing it up the wall at the end of Page 8 is not on.

    #238355

    Dave

    FUCK MY ARSE, WE’RE ONTO THE NINTH PAGE

    Well, not quite yet, but apparently anything goes.

    #238356

    Dave

    PAGE X

    Everyone returns for the tenth page looking a bit older and chubbier and before. Meanwhile, the forum is painted bright red.

    #238357

    Dave

    PAGE XI

    Written at the same time as Page XII, the eleventh page is seen as something of a return to form, although complaints are made that many of the posts don’t really have an ending, and just

    #238358

    Dave

    PAGE XII

    While lots of back-references to old episodes and dollops of fan-service make this quite a warmly-received page overall – including some great posts early on from Hitler – this page also includes what is widely felt to be the worst post ever in the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread, a post so bad that many forum members can’t even bring themselves to read it for a second time.

    Which is really going some for this thread.

    #238359

    Warbofrog

    PRE-EMPT A JOKE

    Flap Jack steals Dave’s thunder. I take so long writing this that it’s probably already on page 9.

    #238360

    Dave

    PAGE XIII

    Although the thread perpetually seems to be on the verge of officially reaching this page, it never quite manages it. Still, the final post on Page XII served as such a nice ending for the thread that most people are happy enough to leave it there.

    #238361

    Dave

    PAGE 30

    The big celebration that was planned for page 30 falls a bit flat, with the one major new post that was originally planned for sometime towards the end of the page slipping to early in Page 31.

    #238362

    cwickham

    IN THE YEAR 3535353

    Zager and Evans arrive from a parallel universe.

    #238363

    cwickham

    BACK IN THE LAZY IDEAS FOR EPISODES

    As this thread reaches 4,000 posts, people throw out increasingly sloppy and lazy ideas for episodes in it just to get onto a new page.

    #238364

    cwickham

    JAMARCHY

    Everyone makes some jam.

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