Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Captain Bollocks]

WANKS FOR THE MEMORY

After three days passes without notice, the crew dig up a space grave and discover a black box containing footage of Rimmer spending the day masturbating to the memory of that time Lister gave him the memory of Lise Yates, even though he had his memory wiped and doesn’t remember it.

[Dave]

REGION

The crew of Red Dwarf stumble across a space station inhabited by a gestalt entity who shares all four of the Dwarfers’ different regional accents.

COLLEGIAN

The crew of Red Dwarf stumble across a space station inhabited by a gestalt entity who shares the minds of a bunch of students who live and work there.

GLASWEGIAN

The crew of Red Dwarf stumble across a space station and immediately get glassed in the face after making ill-advised jokes about deep-fried Mars bars.

[Hamish]

Twenoctland

The Dwarfers find a community of deep fried Mars Bars LIVING in Scotland.

[Hamish]

Twencotland. Damn it.

It is just not worth it, is it?

[bloodteller]

BLEAKER TO RIDE- lister and kryten use the timedrive to go back in time on a curry hunt, only for kryten to inexplicably miscalculate the settings and transport them back to Earth, 74 million years in the past. there is no vegetation, no animals, no life. lister sits in the dirt and awaits his grisly fate. kryten is forced to watch him slowly waste away, and is powerless to help him.

meanwhile, cat and rimmer pop on some jodhpurs and go horse riding. cat is quite good at it.

[Dollar Pound]

SYNOPSECONIA

the crew turn into machines programmed to mercilessly pump out piss-takey red dwarf episode synopses and wind up accidentally immentising the eschaton. meanwhile a knight escapes from the bloody ar machine again and goes and fucks up the drive plates

[Dollar Pound]

BACK IN THE THREAD PART II

[Dollar Pound]

WAITING FOR TITLE

[cwickham]

Kicker to Ride: Lister takes his father’s advice literally and goes back in time to look for someone to kick him up the arse.

[Dave]

OUT OF TIMEWAVE

When comedian Johnny Vegas realises one of his lifelong ‘bucket list’ dreams and is cast in an episode of Red Dwarf, he is subsequently dismayed with the result. After viewing the episode he asks to be edited out of all future broadcasts. This request is refused.

[Dave]

OUT OF TIMESLIDES

Biopic of Graham Chapman with a very heavy Red Dwarf bias, which omits any discussion of his many comedic achievements in favour of concentrating solely on an episode of a sitcom that he almost, but didn’t, appear in.

[Dave]

SHOUT OF TIME

The crew of Red Dwarf travel back in time to the UK before 24-hour licensing laws were introduced, and discover how pub landlords used to indicate that their establishment was imminently about to close for the night.

[Dollar Pound]

EPIDEMEME

a virus spreads via a red dwarf fansite forum thread which makes its hosts not be able to stop coming up with irreverant premises for hypothetical red dwarf epsiodes using titles which pun on real show titles signifying knowledge of the show and releasing endorphins or whatever kryten said from taking the piss. meanwhile cat becomes a door to door salesman, selling doors, *to* doors. meanwhile across town snacky’s got a whole other thiing going on with stuff. meanwhile kochanski. synopsis it’s a synopsis

[Dollar Pound]

SKIP

go on to the next one

[bloodteller]

BRITTAS TO REALITY- after the crew are attacked by a despair squid, rimmer wakes up to discover he’s actually a man called gordon brittas, and the entire series was a dream he had after falling asleep on the way to a job interview.

meanwhile, G&T causes an uproar over this fucking absymal ending

[bloodteller]

SKIPPY- rimmer travels to a parallel universe where everything is perfect, except his favourite brand of peanut butter is no longer sun-pat. he realises he cannot bear this, and leaves.

[Dollar Pound]

EIGG

a documentary about the hebridean island of eigg presented by charles augins and jack monroe. the documentary starts with the word eigg written in massive bold red capital microgramma letters and there is a brief preamble by norman lovett (yaaayy!) before being interupted when it is bought by m-corp to make way for a hyperspace bypass. charles augins and jack monroe never appear in the episode which isn’t even that

[Dollar Pound]

OUT OF SYNOPSES

[si]

SHITE-AS-HELL TUNEY VERSE.
Lister packs his bags and heads into hyperspace, where he succeeds at time-warp speed. He then proceeds to spend his days in ultraviolet rays and has fun in the sun.

[Dave]

FUCHSIA ECHOES

When Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen beams on board and insists on changing the colour of the Dwarf from red to a more fashionable but also horrid pinkish-purpley colour, the crew kill him horribly.

[Moonlight]

SHITE-AS-HELL TUNEY VERSE.
Lister packs his bags and heads into hyperspace, where he succeeds at time-warp speed. He then proceeds to spend his days in ultraviolet rays and has fun in the sun.

SHITE-AS-HELL TOONEYVERSE

Red Dwarf is rebuilt by nanobots and the crew are sentenced to two years hard time. Can they survive with their insanity intact through an unrelenting series of escalating pranks? Will Blue Midgets dance for some fucking reason or other? Will a dinosaur shit all over Hollister? Will any one viewer make it through without falling into existential despair and/or embarrassment for having ever liked this show in the first place? Find out this Thursday at 9.

[bloodteller]

COD FINESSE AND PARAPHIMOSIS- cat takes cooking lessons in order to make his own food and discovers he has surprising aptitude for preparing fish-based meals.

meanwhile, lister suffers from a bizarre and horrific medical condition when his foreskin becomes trapped within his own penis.

[Moonlight]

HERE MUCH EVIL

A group of Red Dwarf fans discover that they are THAT kind of Red Dwarf fan. Can they stop saying “smoke me a kipper” or posting the SMEG toaster on Facebook long enough to address their issues, or will it take a surprise visit and big speech from Lister to show them the light? Unfortunately, being unable to resist interrupting to call him a “smee hee” before bursting into inappropriately loud laughter for thirty seconds at a time, Lister ultimately gives up. Then the fans trip and are sucked out of an airlock, after which Lister begins walking around the same stretch of corridor three or four times while saying: “Ironically, it seems they themselves were the true smee hees in direct contrast to what they lead themselves to believe! It’s ironic, really.” Then he falls down a big hole.

[clem]

Dave, were you by any chance watching The Chase this afternoon?

[Dave]

No. Why?

[clem]

I was watching an episode on Challenge and Paul Sinha made the same future/fuchsia pun. Like an idiot I didn’t immediately think of Fuchsia Echoes.

[Dave]

There’s a florist somewhere in Milton Keynes (I think) called Back To The Fuchsia, which I think is pretty much the best florist name ever.

[Dave]

SMACK ME A COPPER

Deleted scene from Timewave in which the Boys From The Dwarf move from merely verbally insulting Johnny Vegas’ character to actually physically assaulting him.

[Dave]

BETTER THAN WIFE

The Lister from the double double future realises he actually preferred his adventures with his three crewmates to being married to Kochanski.

[JamesTC]

SNACK ME A KIPPER

Snacky becomes the next Ace Rimmer. Meanwhile Kryten takes up ballet lessons.

[Jawscvmcdia]

Kryten discovers a hidden talent of being able to suck his own groinal attachment. Lister discovers this and attempts to beat him, leading to a competition to see who can suck the most. Hilarity ensues.

[Moonlight]

TROUTOPIA

Rimmer accidentally resurrects his mother as a hologram. Hilarity ensues as she verbally abuses him while having group sex with Lister and the Cat. But the tables turn when Kryten is forced to clean up the ensuing mess. Can Mrs. Rimmer be ethically turned off after being resurrected? Turns out the true moral answer isIT’S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE’S KIND OF ATMOSPHERE

[flanl3]

TONK RATS

It’s literally just “Star Knot” backwards but yet mildly more fitting of a title for the episode. Can we please call the race of alternate rats Tonk Rats? Please?

[Captain Bollocks]

EIGHT OF THE BEST

Doug Naylor sits down with Ed Bye to wax lyrical about eight of their favourite episodes from season VIII for about 35 minutes on a compact disc, complete with a free VHS compilation containing eight of the best episodes from season VIII. This release subsequently sparks fervent discussion on the G&T forums about the merits of season VIII and its eight episodes, or lack thereof, over and over and over again, as if such a special commemorative box set were even needed to drive that particular topic into the ground.

[bloodteller]

SIX OF THE BREAST: a sequel to that one bunkroom scene in Waiting For God where they discuss aliens

[Dave]

RED DWARF RE-MUSTARD

Sponsored by Colman’s, this ill-conceived product-placement project involves overhauling all twelve series of Red Dwarf to include (via clumsy CGI) small containers of Colman’s mustard in the background of key scenes in every episode, as well as replacing (via clumsy dubbing) some of the best jokes in the series with characters suddenly commenting out of nowhere on how much they like Colman’s mustard.

[Rubber]

Meow Squared

30 minutes of hilarious archive outakes showing how many prop cats Craig Charles dropped/snapped/broke/smashed/flushed/smoked while trying to film that scene in The End where Frankenstein doesn’t seem very interested in a photo of Fiji.

[Dave]

RED DWARF RE-BASTARD

Curiously specific censorship project in which episodes from all twelve series of Red Dwarf are edited and overdubbed to remove any instances of the titular swearword.

Classic episodes now include lines such as “Father Christmas – what a *cheeky fellow*.” and “It’s my duty. My duty as a complete and utter *naughty person*.”

[Dave]

RED DWARF: FREE CUSTARD

OK, I admit I’m struggling now.

[Rubber]

Better Sod Than Smeg

Another remaster project focused on replacing all instances of the offensive dick and bollock sexual swearword ‘smeg’ with the entirely inoffensive and wholly non-sexual bum-related profanity ‘sod’.

[Dave]

BETTER DICKHEAD THAN CLEGG

Documentary about the UK’s 2010 General Election.

[Rubber]

Better Dyed Than Smeg

Kochanski decides to change her hair colour almost mid-scene between series VII and VIII. Should she follow her instincts and use a box of dye, or will Lister’s offer to rub the cum remnants from under his foreskin on her barnet have the desired effect?

[Rubber]

Better Dead Than Clegg

The late Peter Sallis remembers his long career and decides he’s happier as a corpse than he was filming those final few excruciating series of Last of the Summer Wine.

[Captain Bollocks]

GANYMEDE & FRIGHTEN

Kicking off a new annual tradition, the G&T website undergoes a Halloween-themed makeover for a few days. Articles include a High & Low look at some of the best (and worst) “monsters of the week”, and a feature in which a brand new to Red Dwarf fan is subjected to the aforementioned “Eight of the Best” compilation.

The forum posters also get in on the fun with a series of irreverent and increasingly self-referential ideas for episodes and other spin offs, such as a spooky G&T re-branding for Halloween based on a naff pun, and an episode where the Drawfers go to, oh I don’t know, some old western except it’s a ghost town and they have to fight the four pumpkins of the apocalypse, or something.

[Captain Bollocks]

EIGHT OF THE BEST: RE-MASTERED

A special compilation trimming down the best bits from the aforementioned “Eight of the Best” compilation into one handy, semi-coherent 14-minute video (and even that feels like it’s been padded out), available to avid fans only if you know where to look on DailyMotion.

[Rubber]

Better Bread Than Egg

Kryten steps up his campaign of coercive control over Lister when he can’t be arsed to boil him an egg for breakfast and convinces him he’ll be less unattractive if he has a bit of toast instead.

[Dave]

GUNMEN OF THE APOCALISP

Thtarbug encounterth a thimulant warthip while thearching for Wed Dwarf. After Kwyten contwacth a viwuth, he ith forthed to thave the day by fighting the nathty pwogwamme in a computer thimulation of the Wild Wetht.

[bloodteller]

CURED- the crew come across a space station, filled with various hams and other pork products that have been perfectly preserved due to being coated with curing salt, which drew out all the moisture from the pork, making it impossible for the microbe growth that would have caused the food to spoil.

meanwhile, Ziggy Briceman is found dead in a ditch with a pringles tube rammed up his arse. but was it an accident?

[Rubber]

Betty Dead, Then Meg

Don Draper has a troubling dream in which he murders both his ex-wives in the order in which he married them. Meanwhile, Holly takes up racism.

[bloodteller]

SEMEN AND ANGELS- the dwarfers find several dead bodies with Semen pouring from their ears and a group of university students have the key to unlocking the case. Did the victims really hear their killer coming?!

[Author]

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