AIdea for an episode.

[Formica]

Generating some brand new fresh Red Dwarf episode ideas

Using everybody’s other new favorite AI website, beta.openai.com/playground

Post here if you can make it come up with anything good, I suppose.

Topic

[Formica]

[Nick R]

When we left the tale, ChatGPT had added more comedy by getting Lister to say “Only on Red Dwarf would a rubber chicken be a viable weapon.”

Please continue the scene
Lister: [taking the GELF’s hand] “My name is Dave Lister. I’m a technician. What’s your name?”

For some reason it’s started adding quotation marks to the lines.

GELF: “I am Zlurth, king of the Zog people.”

Didn’t Russell T Davies have something to say about them?

Cat: “Zog people? Whoa, whoa, whoa! I think I’ve heard of these guys! They’re the most fearsome warriors in the galaxy!”

Rimmer: “Oh, please. That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows the most fearsome warriors are the Mimosian Death Spiders.”

Good name!

Kryten: “Actually, sir, recent studies have shown that the Mimosian Death Spiders are actually quite docile, and prefer to live in peace with their neighboring species.”

Rimmer: “Really? That’s quite surprising. I always thought they were vicious killing machines. My dad used to tell me stories about them when I was a kid.”

[Flashback to Rimmer’s childhood. Young Rimmer is sitting on his father’s lap, listening to him tell stories.]

Young Rimmer’s Father: “And then the Mimosian Death Spiders descended upon the unsuspecting crew, with their razor-sharp claws and venomous fangs, and tore them limb from limb!”

Young Rimmer: [wide-eyed] “Wow! Dad, do you think I could ever be a Mimosian Death Spider?”

You can be anything you want to be, Young Rimmer!

Young Rimmer’s Father: “Of course not, son. You don’t have the killer instinct. But don’t worry, you’ll always be my little warrior.”

Awwww <3

[End flashback]

Lister: “So, Zlurth, what brings you to this part of the galaxy?”

Zlurth: “We are on a quest for the legendary Crystal of Zog. It is said to possess great power and can only be wielded by a true Zog warrior.”

Cat: “Well, you’ve come to the right place. The Red Dwarf crew is always up for an adventure!”

Yes, let’s have an adventure!

Rimmer: “Speak for yourself. I’m not getting involved in any quests for magical crystals. That’s how you end up getting cursed, or turned into a frog.”

Kryten: “Actually, sir, I believe there is a high probability that the Crystal of Zog is nothing more than a myth. The likelihood of its existence is–“

Holly: [interrupting] “Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt, but there’s something you should know. Kochanski just arrived on board.”

It’s Kochanski, everyone! [*applause*]

Cat: “Kochanski? The love of my life?”

Lister: “The one that got away?”

Rimmer: “The woman who thinks I’m a complete smeghead?”

Kryten: “The person who fired me from my job as a sanitation droid?”

ChatGPT clearly understands the rule of three in comedy. Unfortunately it spoilt things by deciding to add a fourth line.

Holly: “That’s the one. I’ll send her down to meet you guys.”

Cat: “I need to freshen up! Where’s the nearest mirror?”

[Lister points to a nearby wall mirror. Cat rushes over to it and starts preening.]

Did I mention that ChatGPT really gets Cat’s character?

Rimmer: “I need to think of something impressive to say to her. Something that will show her I’m not just a lowly technician, but a brave and heroic space adventurer.”

Kryten: “May I suggest, sir, that honesty is the best policy? Simply be yourself, and let your true character shine through.”

Rimmer: “And what if my true character is that of a complete smeghead?”

Kryten: “Well, then, I suppose honesty might not be the best policy.”

I think we can count that one as a Good Joke!

NEXT: A CHANGE OF FORMAT.

[Nick R]

Please continue the scene, but in the form of a prose novel. Make it as funny as possible, while fitting into the existing characterisation.

As the GELF approached, Lister fumbled for his bazookoid. “Hold on,” Kryten said. “We don’t know anything about this creature. It might not be hostile.”

“Maybe not, but it’s ugly enough to be illegal in twelve systems,” Cat said, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

Rimmer, his face a mask of terror, grabbed Kryten’s arm. “We have to do something!”

“I know!” Kryten said. “I’ll use my light bee to create a hologram of a giant, angry T-Rex. That should scare it off!”

Kryten’s light bee!

But before Kryten could act, Holly’s voice boomed over the intercom. “Everyone to the cockpit, now!”

They hurried to the bridge, where Kochanski was hunched over the controls, her face pale with fear. “What’s going on?” Lister asked.

“There’s a black hole in our path,” Kochanski said. “We’re going to be sucked in if we don’t change course.”

Rimmer whimpered. “I don’t want to die!”

“Don’t worry,” Cat said. “I’ve got this.” He sauntered over to the controls and began tapping at the buttons with his perfectly manicured nails.

“Wait, Cat, no!” Kryten protested, but it was too late. The ship jolted and lurched as Cat accidentally engaged the self-destruct mechanism.

Oops!

“Abandon ship!” Lister yelled, and they all scrambled to the escape pods. As they hurtled through space, Rimmer began to cry.

“I never even got to tell my dad I loved him,” he sobbed.

Kryten patted his shoulder awkwardly. “There, there, sir. I’m sure he knew.”

Rimmer wiped his eyes. “I doubt it. He was always more interested in his fish than he was in me.”

References to “I am a fish” and the fish thing in Siliconia?

Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light, and they found themselves back on the Red Dwarf, safe and sound.

“What just happened?” Lister asked, dazed.

“It was a time hole,” Holly explained. “We went back to your childhood, Rimmer, so you could have a heart-to-heart with your father.”

Rimmer blinked in surprise. “I did?”

Kochanski grinned. “Yep. And I have to say, it was very touching.”

Rimmer beamed with pride. “Really?”

“Absolutely,” Cat said. “Especially when you burst into tears and told him you loved him.”

Rimmer’s face fell. “I did that?”

Oh no I seem to have given ChatGPT an obsession with Rimmer’s relationship with his father.

Kryten patted him on the back. “Don’t worry, sir. It was all just a dream. Or a nightmare, depending on how you look at it.”

Indeed.

Please start a new scene, with just Kryten and Cat talking to each other.

Kryten was dusting the cockpit of Starbug when Cat sauntered in, his fur perfectly groomed as always.

“Hey Kryten, got any snacks around here?” Cat asked, his eyes scanning the room hungrily.

“I’m afraid not, Cat,” Kryten replied. “We’re a bit low on supplies at the moment.”

Kryten is directly addressing Cat as “Cat”?

Cat sighed. “Figures. This is why I need my own personal food stash. Can’t rely on anyone else to provide for me.”

Kryten chuckled. “Well, perhaps we could find something to make a meal out of in the ship’s stores. Let’s take a look, shall we?”

The two of them made their way to the storage area, scanning the shelves for any edible items.

“Hey, what’s this?” Cat said, holding up a can of greenish goo. “Looks like something Lister might eat.”

Accurate.

Kryten examined the label. “That’s…space curry, Cat. It’s meant for human consumption. I don’t think it’s quite to your taste.”

Lister does like his curry.

Cat made a face. “Space curry? That sounds disgusting.”

Kryten shrugged. “I’ve never tried it myself. But I hear it’s quite popular on Earth.”

“Earth? What’s that?” Cat asked.

Nobody has ever mentioned Earth to Cat. Or they have, but he’s ignored them/forgotten it.

Kryten smiled. “It’s the planet where the crew originated from, before they went into stasis. It’s also where Lister is from.”

Cat rolled his eyes. “Ugh, Lister. I’m pretty sure he’s from the planet of the slob people. That guy never cleans up after himself.”

Again, accurate.

Kryten chuckled. “He does have his faults, but he’s also a good friend to us all.”

Awww <3

“Speak for yourself,” Cat muttered, as they continued to search the shelves.

Just then, Holly’s voice chimed in over the ship’s intercom.

“Attention crew, we have a situation. We’ve detected a distress signal from a nearby planet. It’s a GELF colony in need of assistance.”

Kryten and Cat exchanged a worried look.

“GELFs?” Cat said. “We always seem to get into trouble when dealing with those guys.”

Kryten nodded. “It’s true. But we can’t just ignore a distress signal. We have to go help them.”

Cat sighed. “I guess you’re right. Let’s suit up and head down there.”

The two of them made their way to the airlock, preparing to brave whatever dangers lay ahead.

Please write a scene, but with less dialogue and more of Lister’s internal thoughts.

Lister sat at the table, idly flipping through a space magazine. Kryten and Cat were off somewhere, doing who knows what. Rimmer was locked in his quarters, as usual. Lister sighed. He missed the old days, when they were all together and things were a little less…weird.

Too weird for words.

Suddenly, he heard a loud crash coming from the cargo bay. He put down the magazine and stood up, bracing himself for whatever was coming. Kryten and Cat stumbled in, looking frazzled.

“Lister, there’s a problem,” Kryten said.

“What kind of problem?” Lister asked.

“We’ve got some kind of alien creature loose on board,” Cat said. “And it’s really angry.”

Lister felt a wave of panic wash over him. He wasn’t exactly the bravest guy in the world, and he had no idea how to deal with an angry alien.

“Okay, what do we do?” he asked.

“I suggest we arm ourselves,” Kryten said, producing a laser pistol from his chest cavity.

Kryten always carries a concealed weapon.

“Good idea,” Lister said, feeling a little better. He went to his locker and grabbed his own weapon, then followed Kryten and Cat to the cargo bay.

As they approached, they heard a low growling sound. Lister’s heart raced as he tried to steel himself for whatever was on the other side of the door.

He pushed it open, and his eyes widened in surprise. Instead of some kind of terrifying space monster, there was just Rimmer, covered in grease and holding a spanner.

PLOT TWIST!

“What the smeg are you doing, Rimmer?” Lister asked.

“I’m fixing the engines, obviously,” Rimmer said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Well, yes. It’s obvious.

“You had us all scared half to death,” Kryten said, looking a little miffed.

Rimmer shrugged. “It’s not my fault you’re all a bunch of scaredy-cats. I was just doing my job.”

Lister rolled his eyes. He was just glad it wasn’t something more serious. But as he looked at Rimmer, something clicked in his brain.

“Hey, Rimmer,” he said. “Did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally set my dad’s garage on fire?”

what

Rimmer’s eyes widened. “No, you never did.”

Lister grinned. “It’s a long story.”

I MUST HEAR THIS STORY

Continue the scene

Lister stepped onto the bridge and looked around. The room was empty except for Kryten and Cat, who were talking in hushed tones.

“What’s up, guys?” Lister asked.

Kryten turned to him with a worried expression. “I’m afraid we’ve encountered a bit of a problem, sir. We seem to have stumbled upon a new type of GELF that we’ve never seen before.”

Cat nodded solemnly. “It’s a real nasty piece of work. I don’t think we’re going to be able to handle this one on our own.”

Lister frowned, deep in thought. He knew that they had faced their fair share of challenges in the past, but this sounded like it could be their toughest one yet.

Oh no!

“Alright, we’ll need to come up with a plan,” he said. “Kryten, what do we know about this GELF?”

Kryten hesitated for a moment, then spoke slowly. “Well, sir, it appears to be a shape-shifter. It can take on any form it desires, and it’s incredibly dangerous.”

Lister thought about this for a moment, then snapped his fingers. “I’ve got it! We need to think outside the box on this one. Kryten, can you reprogram one of those remote-controlled service droids to mimic the GELF’s movements?”

“I’ve got it” count: 1

Kryten looked skeptical. “I’m not sure that will work, sir. The GELF is far too clever for that.”

“Trust me, Kryten,” Lister said. “I’ve got a feeling this will work.”

As Kryten went off to work on the droid, Lister sat down and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was forgetting something important, something that could make or break the success of their mission.

Suddenly, it hit him. He remembered a key piece of information about the GELF that Kryten and Cat hadn’t mentioned. He had read it in a book a long time ago, back when he was just a space bum with no prospects.

Good phrase, feels like it’d fit in one of the novels.

He stood up, a big grin on his face. “I’ve got it! I know how to defeat this GELF once and for all!”

“I’ve got it” count: 2

Kryten and Cat looked at him in amazement. “How did you figure it out, sir?” Kryten asked.
Lister chuckled. “Let’s just say I’ve got a bit of experience dealing with shape-shifters. Now, let’s get to work!”
And with that, the crew of Red Dwarf set off to face their newest challenge, confident that they could overcome any obstacle that came their way.

Well that was fine, but it wasn’t the story of LISTER THE ARSONIST that I wanted to hear.

Lister tells the story of the time he accidentally set his dad’s garage on fire.

Lister looked off into the distance as memories flooded back into his mind. “You know, that time I set my dad’s garage on fire was pretty similar to this,” he said.

Kryten and Cat looked at Lister with concern. “What happened?” Kryten asked.

“I was about 13, and I was trying to build a model rocket,” Lister began. “But I didn’t have all the parts I needed, so I decided to make some modifications.”

Lister could feel his heart racing as he relived the memory. “I used some household chemicals to create a more powerful fuel, but I didn’t realize how volatile it was. When I lit the fuse, the whole thing just went up in flames.”

Oh dear!

Cat’s eyes widened in shock, but Kryten didn’t seem too surprised. “Oh my,” he said, “that sounds quite dangerous. But given your track record, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised.”

Lister glared at Kryten. “Hey, I’ll have you know I’m not always reckless,” he protested. “Well, not usually, anyway.”

Cat chuckled. “You know, Lister, sometimes I forget that you had a life before we met you,” he said.

Lister smirked. “Yeah, I had a life,” he said. “But this one’s much more fun.”

Listy, you little scamp!

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Let’s see how good of a job the erstwhile Ms Ampersand Symbols did on her own spinoff series.

Write the synopsis for the first six episodes of the Red Dwarf spinoff Red Dwarf Liquid, about Rimmer and Kryten keeping themselves occupied on Starbug while Lister and Cat are in stasis.

Episode 1: “The Empty Ship”

With Lister and Cat in stasis, Rimmer and Kryten are left to occupy themselves on Starbug. Rimmer decides to explore the abandoned ship they stumbled upon, but things quickly turn strange when they discover an ominous message left behind by the ship’s former crew.

Episode 2: “Virtual Reality Boredom”

As boredom sets in, Kryten suggests they try out a new virtual reality game. However, things quickly go wrong when Rimmer becomes too competitive and refuses to exit the game, leaving Kryten to find a way to bring him back to reality.

Episode 3: “Cleaning Day”

Kryten decides it’s time for a deep cleaning of Starbug, but Rimmer isn’t keen on getting his hands dirty. As Kryten sets about his task, he uncovers a mysterious object that he believes could be the key to their escape from their current predicament.

Episode 4: “The Mirror Universe”

A freak accident sends Rimmer and Kryten into a parallel universe where they encounter their evil counterparts. Rimmer finds himself facing a version of himself who is not only successful but also likable, while Kryten must face off against a twisted, sadistic version of himself.

Episode 5: “The Time Capsule”

Rimmer and Kryten stumble upon a time capsule left behind by a previous Starbug crew. As they sift through the contents, they discover a message that reveals a shocking secret about one of their own.

Episode 6: “The Cosmic Lottery”

Desperate for a change of scenery, Rimmer and Kryten decide to try their luck in a cosmic lottery, where the winner gets to explore a brand new galaxy. However, things take a dark turn when they discover that the galaxy they won is home to a dangerous and ruthless race of aliens.

This is actually a second attempt; I amended the original prompt to include the fact that Rimmer and Kryten are electronic life forms and don’t need to eat or sleep, as one of the original episodes included them being forced to eat strange meat as the last thing on board and tripping balls as a result. I wish I’d saved the original episodes as the original episode 3, “The Last Survivors” was a heartwarming tale about the pair discovering a hologrammatic couple and trying to work out how the two managed to keep their relationship fresh when stranded alone in space together for millions of years.
The other episodes were mostly retreads of existing episodes like Better Than Life and Parallel Universe, and the first episode was just Rimmer going stir crazy about being alone with only Kryten for company, so on the whole not too great a loss.

[loadoftottnumb]

Well I promised I wouldn’t get carried away by the joint-statement. I asked ChatGPT to write a fictional conversation between Rob and Doug. That’s all I said, they could have spoke about the weather. 

Rob Grant and Doug Naylor were the co-creators of the science fiction comedy series “Red Dwarf.” Here’s a fictional conversation between the two:

Rob: Hey Doug, it’s been a while. How have you been?

Doug: I’ve been good, thanks. How about you?

Rob: Can’t complain. So, have you seen any good sci-fi shows lately?

Doug: Actually, I’ve been re-watching “Red Dwarf” to get inspired for our next project.

Rob: Speaking of which, I had an idea for a spinoff show.

Doug: Really? Tell me more.

Rob: Well, you know how the ship has a whole bunch of maintenance robots running around?

Doug: Yeah, the ones that always seem to be malfunctioning and causing trouble.

Rob: Exactly. I was thinking we could do a show about the robots and their own adventures on the ship.

Doug: I like it. It would be a great way to explore some of the more technical aspects of the “Red Dwarf” universe.

Rob: And we could bring back some of the fan-favorite robots like Kryten and Talkie Toaster.

Doug: That’s a great idea. We could even introduce some new robots and give them their own unique quirks and personalities.

Rob: Exactly. And we could have a different human guest star on each episode to mix things up.

Doug: I think you’re onto something here. Let’s pitch it to the network and see if they’re interested.

Rob: Sounds like a plan. It would be great to work on another “Red Dwarf” project with you.

Doug: Agreed. It’s been too long since we’ve had a chance to collaborate.

[Flap Jack]

Oh, so an AI gets asked to write a conversation between 2 writers, and it just so happens to have them pitching a TV show about robots. I’m on to you, ChatGPT.

And I bet that even in this hypothetical spin-off, there’s a good chance Doug still wouldn’t bring back Snacky.

Excited about the idea of minor recurring Red Dwarf character Kryten getting some attention though.

[Warbodog]

Bloody AI evolving over here, stealing G&T April Fools ideas.

[Dave]

Rob: Hey Doug, it’s been a while. How have you been?

Doug: I’ve been good, thanks. How about you?

Rob: Can’t complain. So, have you seen any good sci-fi shows lately?

Savage.

[Formica]

[loadoftottnumb]

This forum definitely needs a ‘like’ feature. 

[Stephen Abootman]

 

[Jonathan Capps]

This forum definitely needs a ‘like’ feature. 

Right after it’s had a cold shower.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

In liquid oxygen, no doubt.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

I asked ChatGPT to write an interview with everyone’s favourite imaginary writer, Many Ampersand Symbols. I fed it a general idea of what she’s known for and how she might respond and left the rest to the AI.

Interviewer: Good evening, Many Ampersand Symbols. Thank you for joining us today.

Many Ampersand Symbols: Thank you for having me. I’m happy to be here.

Interviewer: Can you tell us a bit about your career as a writer?

Many Ampersand Symbols: Well, I started out writing comedy sketches for a local theatre group in London. From there, I moved on to writing for radio and then television. I’ve worked on a variety of shows, but I’m probably best known for my work on Red Dwarf.

Interviewer: Yes, you’ve been a part of the Red Dwarf family for quite some time. Can you talk about your experience working on the show?

Many Ampersand Symbols: Working on Red Dwarf was a dream come true for me. I was a huge fan of the show before I ever had the opportunity to write for it, so being able to contribute to the series was incredibly exciting. It’s a unique show that blends science fiction and comedy in a way that I think is really special.

Interviewer: You’ve also written for other shows, like Doctor Who and The IT Crowd. Do you have a favourite project that you’ve worked on?

Many Ampersand Symbols: It’s hard to pick just one, but I have to say that Red Dwarf holds a special place in my heart. The characters and the world that Doug Naylor created are so rich and well-realised, and it’s been an honour to be a part of that universe.

Whoa, did she just snub Rob? I did definitely put him in the prompt so that seems like an odd omission.

Interviewer: Your public persona is quite unique – you appear at events dressed in a robot costume and speak through a voice modulator. Can you talk about why you chose that particular persona?

Many Ampersand Symbols: (laughs) Well, I’ve always been a bit of a science fiction nerd, and I thought it would be fun to create a character that reflected that. The robot costume is a mix of Tron and Daft Punk, which I think looks pretty cool. And the voice modulator helps to maintain my privacy, which is something that’s very important to me.

Were daft punk doing the robot thing in 1997?

Interviewer: Speaking of privacy, you’re quite private about your personal life. Can you tell us a bit about why that is?

Many Ampersand Symbols: I just prefer to keep my personal life separate from my professional life. Writing is a very personal thing, and I think it’s important to have boundaries. Plus, I like being able to go to the supermarket without being recognised!

Interviewer: (laughs) I can imagine. Well, thank you for speaking with us today, Many Ampersand Symbols. It’s been a pleasure.

Many Ampersand Symbols: Thank you. It’s been fun.

Buuuuuut I thought that was a bit short so I had another crack at it and asked it to give more detailed answer.

Interviewer: Good afternoon, Many Ampersand Symbols. It’s a pleasure to have you with us today.

Many Ampersand Symbols: Thank you for having me. It’s great to be here.

Interviewer: You’ve had a very successful career as a writer, working on a number of popular shows like Red Dwarf, Doctor Who, and The IT Crowd. Can you tell us a bit about your experience working on those shows?

Many Ampersand Symbols: Sure. Red Dwarf was my first big break as a writer. I was a fan of the show before I started working on it, so being able to contribute to it was a dream come true. Doctor Who was also a lot of fun to work on. It’s such an iconic show, and I loved being able to write for some of the Doctor’s companions. And The IT Crowd was a great experience too. It’s such a hilarious show, and I loved being able to write for characters like Roy and Moss.

Interviewer: Let’s talk a bit more about Red Dwarf. You wrote a number of episodes for the show, including “Blue” and “Lemons”. Can you tell us a bit about those episodes and what inspired you to write them?

Many Ampersand Symbols: “Blue” was an episode that focused on Lister’s feelings about Rimmer leaving the ship. It was a really interesting episode to write because

network error
There was an error generating a response

And that’s it, I’m afraid. There’s no more from you on the transcript, that’s the last I’ve got. I don’t know what stopped you talking, but I can guess. They’re coming. The angels are coming for you. But listen, your life could depend on this. Don’t blink. Don’t even blink. Blink and you’re dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don’t turn your back, don’t look away, and don’t blink. Good luck.

[Flap Jack]

Haha, pretty cool! Did you suggest Doctor Who and The IT Crowd as her other projects, or was that all ChatGPT original?

Whoa, did she just snub Rob? I did definitely put him in the prompt so that seems like an odd omission.

In a way it makes sense for her to focus on Doug, because her episodes were all in the solo Doug era. He’s the creator in situ.

Were daft punk doing the robot thing in 1997?

Possibly. 1997 was when they released their first studio album. But I guess there’s nothing to say that MAS started wearing the robot suit in 1997.

[International Debris]

Despite all the supposed anonymity associated with them, there’s a sans-helmet shot of Daft Punk in the inlay of Homework, so the robot thing definitely wasn’t much of a thing back then, if at all. They were just a couple of French guys making house.

[Flap Jack]

Also possible the suit was wholly Tron inspired to begin with, and she incorporated Daft Punk elements later.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Haha, pretty cool! Did you suggest Doctor Who and The IT Crowd as her other projects, or was that all ChatGPT original?

That was entirely ChatGPT’s idea. I didn’t give it anything on other shows besides Red Dwarf, but I did specify she’d probably work mainly on British shows and her genres of choice would likely be science fiction and comedy, and I guess it ran with that and picked those two.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

FADE IN:

INT. STARBUG – COCKPIT

The Boys, Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer, are on a mission in Starbug, hurtling through space. Cat is sitting in the co-pilot seat, while Lister is at the controls. Kryten is monitoring the ship’s systems from his terminal, and Rimmer is standing behind him, peering over his shoulder.

CAT: (sniffs) Hold up, hold up, hold up! What’s that smell?

LISTER: What smell?

CAT: That smell! (sniffs) It’s coming from up ahead. My powerful cat senses are telling me there’s a thing up there.

RIMMER: “A thing”? Can you be more specific, Cat?

CAT: Look, all I know is that it’s directly ahead of us and it stinks. I mean, it smells like an old sock that’s been buried in a litter tray for a week. It’s all wibbly-wobbly, and it’s directly ahead of us.

RIMMER: (sarcastically) Oh, wonderful. I think we need a more scientific analysis. Preferably from someone with more education than how to use a litter tray.

CAT: Hey! I take offense to that!

RIMMER: Kryten, can you give us a readout from your terminal?

KRYTEN: Certainly, sir. (types on his terminal) I’m just punching it up now… (waits a moment) Ah, yes. I can confirm that there is indeed a thing up ahead.

RIMMER: (sarcastically) Thank you, Kryten. I’m glad we have someone with your expertise on board.

KRYTEN: Sorry, sir. I’m afraid I have the same results as Mr. Cat.

RIMMER: (to Cat) See, that’s what happens when you rely on your sense of smell instead of education. (smirks)

KRYTEN: (disapprovingly) Sir, that’s quite unfair. Mr. Cat may not have a traditional education, but he has many talents that are just as valuable.

LISTER: (interrupting) Guys, focus! We need to figure out what to do about this thing.

KRYTEN: I suggest we maneuver Starbug in an evasive pattern to avoid collision.

CAT: (nodding) Yeah, we need to limit the damages. If we don’t move, we’re as dead as corduroy, boy.

RIMMER: (smugly) Well, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. We have a highly-trained crew, state-of-the-art technology, and- (pauses) Wait, did you say “corduroy boy”?

CAT: (confused) Huh? No, I said we’re as dead as corduroy, boy.

RIMMER: (confused) Corduroy Boy? How did you know about Corduroy Boy?

KRYTEN: Sir, I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I believe Mr. Cat meant to say…

LISTER: (intrigued) What’s Corduroy Boy?

RIMMER: (sheepishly) It’s nothing, forget I said anything.

CAT: (smirking) You made a superhero character named Corduroy Boy?

RIMMER: (defensive) It was a long time ago! I was a kid at Io House boarding school, and I used to make up all kinds of stories. But it wasn’t important, and it certainly isn’t relevant to our current situation.

LISTER: (grinning) Come on, Rimmer, tell us more about Corduroy Boy!

RIMMER: (annoyed) No! Let’s focus on the thing that’s about to hit us!

CAT: (sarcastically) Yeah, because Corduroy Boy isn’t important.

 KRYTEN: (alarmed) Sirs, I hate to interrupt, but the thing is getting closer!

 LISTER: (panicking) Oh, smeg! Everybody hold on!

 Suddenly, there’s a loud CRASH and the ship rocks violently.

 INT. STARBUG – COCKPIT – LATER

 The Boys are all groaning and holding their heads.

 LISTER: (dazed) Is everybody okay?

 CAT: (rubbing his head) I think so.

 RIMMER: (clutching his stomach) I feel like I’ve been kicked by a horse.

[International Debris]

These are getting dangerously close to believable.

[Stephen Abootman]

“I think we need a more scientific analysis. Preferably from someone with more education than how to use a litter tray.”

Works for me, get that in the next special, Doug.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

In fairness I did give it a bit of helping out in the prompt. Like for example this story here that I initially started writing the prompt for as a more balanced (read: sane) version of Timewave but later turned to an Out of the Red style romp as it was getting too meta:

ENERGY ENCOUNTER – THE ACTORS’ ADVENTURE

As Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, and Robert Llewellyn made their way to Shepperton Studios to record a new Red Dwarf special, they were unexpectedly caught in a strange energy field that had enveloped the motorway. As they looked around, they saw that several other motorists were trapped inside it too.

The situation was eerily reminiscent of the latest script, and the four actors couldn’t help but wonder if there was a connection. They decided to investigate the energy field, hoping to help anyone trapped inside and get to the bottom of what was causing it.

However, as they approached the energy field, they realized that it had a strange effect on people’s behaviour and mental state. They found themselves becoming increasingly polarized and confrontational.

Chris Barrie became convinced that the energy field was a government conspiracy, while Craig Charles became aggressively preachy about his political views. Robert Llewellyn complained about how everyone else had gone crazy and ranted about elitist academic circles. Meanwhile, Danny John-Jules started to mess with the others by trying to undermine their belief systems.

Things took a dangerous turn when Danny became enraged at the sight of a binman and attacked him. The incident attracted a furious mob, and the four actors had to flee before they were seriously hurt.

The actors realized that they needed to work together to overcome the effects of the energy field, so they put aside their differences and focused on finding the source, all while avoiding upsetting anybody. Eventually, they traced it to a nearby scientific experiment in a laboratory. Working with the scientists there, they were able to shut down the experiment and neutralize the energy field.

As they reflected on their experience, the actors realized the importance of tolerance and understanding toward people who hold different views. They also realized that they were now incredibly late for the first day of shooting.

Despite the ordeal, the four actors arrived at Shepperton Studios ready to shoot the Red Dwarf special, happy to be working together again and grateful for the lesson they had learned.

Still disappointed it didn’t manage to fit in the bit about Danny taking the piss.

[Jenuall]

Genuinely crazy how good these things are getting at knocking something together. They may not provide the fully refined finished product yet but you can bet your ass this stuff will be getting a hell of a lot of use for producing initial drafts and concepts 

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

I’m having way too much fun with this.

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE – RED DWARF SHIP

The Red Dwarf ship is drifting through space, with Lister, Kryten, Cat, and Rimmer aboard.

LISTER:
(looking through the telescope)
Guys, you won’t believe what I’m seeing.

They use a telescope! How delightfully quaint. I can actually almost imagine them having one, though it seems more like something Rimmer would use. I can envision him gazing across the heavens smugly imagining himself as having conquered the vast gulf of space like some kind of interstellar Napoleon.

KRYTEN:
What is it, sir?

LISTER:
There’s a planet down there, and it looks like there’s a human colony living on it.

Their first contact with real humans in over three million years! (Aside from all the other times) You’d think it’d be bigger news.

RIMMER:
(rolling his eyes)
Oh, great. Another group of people we’ll have to save from certain death.

Because that always goes so well.

CAT:
(holding up his paw)
Wait a minute, Rimmer. This place is different. It’s a utopian society. They’re living in paradise.

There’s so much wrong here I’m not even going to comment.

KRYTEN:
(nodding)
Indeed, sir. Their every need is catered to, and they have no worries or concerns.

LISTER:
(excitedly)
But they’re trapped behind a forcefield. They can’t leave. We have to rescue them.

KRYTEN:
(voice full of concern)
Sir, I must warn you that their lives are perfect there. If we were to rescue them, they would no longer be happy.

LISTER:
(defiantly)
I don’t care. They deserve a chance to see the rest of the universe. They deserve to be free.

RIMMER:
(sarcastically)
Yes, because we’re the poster boys for freedom, aren’t we? We live in a cramped ship, constantly in danger from hostile life forms, malfunctioning robots, meteorites, and other space hazards.

CAT:
(smiling)
And let’s not forget, we have to live with Rimmer.

RIMMER:
(angrily)
What’s that supposed to mean?

LISTER:
(shaking his head)
It means it would take too long to explain.

KRYTEN:
(sighing)
Sir, I understand your desire to help, but we must also consider the happiness of the people we’re trying to rescue. Is it fair to take away their perfect lives, just because we think we know what’s best for them?

LISTER:
(pondering)
I guess you’re right. It’s a tough call. But it just doesn’t seem right to leave them trapped there forever.

RIMMER:
(shrugging)
Well, it’s not our decision to make. Let’s just keep moving and leave them to their perfect little world.

CAT:
(nodding)
Agreed. Let’s go find some trouble somewhere else.

FADE OUT.

[International Debris]

Of everything wrong with that, the one thing I struggle with most is the idea of Cat saying “agreed” to something.

[Jenuall]

Interesting how this one didn’t really try to make any real jokes, other than Cat’s half hearted swipe at Rimmer (with his paw!) – would probably fit into series VII well!

The previous example seemed to get the characterisation and cadence of the shows interactions a bit better

[Flap Jack]

Didn’t we already have “Lister insists on ‘saving’ people from a utopian society” as an AI episode?

Overall the responses are getting more believable, but let’s be real, it peaked early with the Marlon Brando episode.

[Jenuall]

We’re into the post bubble era of AI episodes, best we can hope for now is that we don’t get a Timewave equivalent 

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Didn’t we already have “Lister insists on ‘saving’ people from a utopian society” as an AI episode? 

Yeah but it was mostly almost entirely composed of Kryten and Lister saying the same thing to each other in a loop. I think this is much more interesting, if not quite as amusing.

[Dave]

Overall the responses are getting more believable, but let’s be real, it peaked early with the Marlon Brando episode.

He did kill him, you know.

[International Debris]

I tried asking it to write one of my Red Dwarf dreams as a script and it was pretty disappointing, but it did include this excellent moment: 

Rimmer and Lister watch as the other Red Dwarf flies away, disappearing into the depths of space.

Lister: (wistfully) I wonder what they’re like in that dimension.

Rimmer: (smirking) I’m sure they’re just as smegheaded as we are.

[International Debris]

Well, this got out of hand.

INT. RED DWARF – CORRIDOR

Lister, Rimmer, Cat, and Kryten are walking down a dimly lit corridor, looking around in confusion.

LISTER

Where the smeg are we?

KRYTEN

I’m not entirely sure, sir. It appears as though we have somehow traveled back in time.

RIMMER

(to himself)

Oh great, just what we needed. Another trip down memory lane.

CAT

I don’t remember this place being so…dull.

As they continue to walk, they suddenly hear the sound of approaching footsteps. They quickly hide behind a nearby corner as two officers pass by.

RIMMER

(to the others, in a hushed voice)

We need to be careful. We’re not supposed to be here yet. We could upset the timeline.

LISTER

Yeah, and judging by the way they treated us last time we were here, I don’t fancy going through that again.

CAT

What happened?

KRYTEN

I’m afraid it was quite unpleasant. The officers were convinced that we were from a rival ship and subjected us to a series of brutal interrogations.

RIMMER

And don’t forget about me. They reverted me back to my Series 1 hologram and shoved me in a bag while they asked their questions.

CAT

(shudders)

Sounds like a nightmare.

As they continue to sneak around the ship, trying to avoid detection, the scene cuts to the current crew flying Blue Midget. Suddenly, they are sucked into a docking bay on the blue part of the ship.

INT. RED DWARF – DOCKING BAY

The crew emerges from the Blue Midget, looking around in confusion.

LISTER

Where the smeg are we now?

KRYTEN

I believe we have been pulled into a different part of the ship. It appears as though we must do something here in order to reset the timeline.

CAT

How are we supposed to do that?

RIMMER

We’ll have to think of something. We can’t let the timeline get messed up.

As the current crew starts to explore the blue part of the ship, the scene cuts back to the past crew. They are now being subjected to a series of brutal tortures by the officers, trying to get information out of them.

RIMMER

(screaming in pain)

I don’t know anything! Please, just let me go!

CAT

(voice weak from pain)

What do you want from us?

As the scene continues to show the past crew being tortured, the current crew is shown frantically trying to find a way to reset the timeline. Finally, they stumble upon a control panel that appears to control the ship’s timeline.

KRYTEN

(reading from the control panel)

It says here that in order to reset the timeline, we need to input a specific code.

LISTER

Well, what is it?

KRYTEN

It appears to be a combination of numbers and letters. I’m not sure what it means.

RIMMER

(suddenly appearing behind them)

I know what it is. It’s the coordinates for the exact spot where we first rediscovered Red Dwarf at the start of Back in the Red.

The current crew quickly input the code and there is a blinding flash of light. When they open their eyes, they find themselves back in their own timeline.

LISTER

(relieved)

Thank smeg for that. I don’t think I could handle another trip down memory lane.

RIMMER

(shuddering)

I don’t think I could handle being shoved in a bag again.

As they all laugh in relief, the scene fades to black.

FADE OUT.

As the scene opens, the camera pans over a group of officers brutally beating Lister with truncheons. Lister’s face is bloody and bruised, and he is barely conscious.

Rimmer is still trapped in the bag, and the officers are asking him questions in a menacing tone. Kryten is strapped to a table, being prodded with electric shocks. The Cat is in a nearby cell, barely conscious after the operation to insert the metal plate into his skull.

Suddenly, a group of armed guards bursts into the room, led by a gruff-looking woman with short hair and a military uniform.

“Freeze!” she shouts, and the guards aim their weapons at the officers.

“What’s going on here?” the woman demands.

The officers try to explain, but the woman cuts them off.

“I don’t want to hear it,” she says. “I’ve been investigating your operation for months, and I’ve got evidence of your illegal activities. You’re all under arrest.”

The officers resist, but the guards overpower them and take them into custody.

The woman turns to the crew. “You’re lucky we found you when we did,” she says. “These officers were planning to kill you once they got what they wanted.”

She helps Lister to his feet and looks at his injuries. “You’ll need medical attention,” she says.

The crew follows the woman as she leads them through the ship. They pass through several levels, encountering more officers along the way. The officers try to stop them, but the guards are able to subdue them.

Finally, they reach the engine room. The woman explains that they need to reset the timeline by rewiring the engines.

Kryten takes charge, using his expertise to rewire the engines. Sparks fly as he works, but he is able to complete the task just in time.

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light, and the crew finds themselves back in their own timeline. They are relieved to be back on their own Red Dwarf, safe and sound.

But the memories of their ordeal stay with them, haunting them long after they return to their normal lives.

INT. RED DWARF ENGINE ROOM

The crew and the gruff-looking woman are crowded around the engines, as KRYTEN works on rewiring them.

SPARKS FLY as KRYTEN completes the task just in time.

Suddenly, there is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT, and the crew finds themselves back in their own timeline. They are relieved to be back on their own Red Dwarf, safe and sound.

LISTER: (sighs) That was a nightmare.

RIMMER: (sarcastic) Yes, just a delightful jaunt down memory lane.

CAT: (rubs his head) My head’s killing me. (looks at the gruff-looking woman) Who are you, anyway?

WOMAN: (stands up straight, salutes) Captain Helena Krytos, at your service.

KRYTEN: (bows) A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Captain.

HELENA: (smiles) Likewise. You know, you lot are quite the troublemakers.

RIMMER: (defensive) We prefer the term “adventurers.”

HELENA: (laughs) Well, whatever you want to call it, you’re lucky we found you when we did. Those officers were planning to kill you.

LISTER: (grateful) Thanks for saving our hides.

HELENA: (nods) It’s all in a day’s work. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a ship to run. (salutes) Good luck, gentlemen.

The crew watches as HELENA walks out of the engine room.

LISTER: (smiling) You know, I never thought I’d be happy to see our old Red Dwarf again.

RIMMER: (smirks) Speak for yourself. I, for one, am relieved to be rid of that nightmare.

CAT: (nodding) Yeah, let’s get out of here before anything else tries to kill us.

The crew exits the engine room and heads back towards the cockpit, leaving their memories of the alternate timeline behind them.

As the crew makes their way through the ship, Kryten’s sensors suddenly beep.

KRYTEN: (alarmed) Oh dear. It seems that we have just crossed a temporal anomaly.

LISTER: (confused) A temporal what?

KRYTEN: It’s a disturbance in the space-time continuum, sir. It can cause us to jump through time unexpectedly.

RIMMER: (skeptical) That’s ridiculous. There’s no such thing as time travel.

CAT: (sarcastic) Yeah, and I’m a cat with nine tails.

Suddenly, the ship jolts and shakes violently, throwing the crew to the ground.

LISTER: (panicked) What the hell was that?

KRYTEN: (looking at his sensors) It appears that we have been sucked into a time vortex.

RIMMER: (nervous) Is that bad?

KRYTEN: (worried) Extremely, sir. It means that we have no control over where we’re going, or when we’ll end up.

CAT: (sarcastic) Just another typical day on the Dwarf.

The ship continues to shake and rattle as it hurtles through time and space, until finally, it comes to a sudden stop.

The crew slowly gets to their feet, looking around in confusion.

LISTER: (dazed) Where are we?

KRYTEN: (scanning the area) It appears to be the docking bay of an alternate Red Dwarf.

RIMMER: (nervous) Alternate? What do you mean alternate?

KRYTEN: (explaining) A parallel universe version of our ship, sir. It seems that we have been pulled into its timeline.

CAT: (sarcastic) Oh great, just what we needed. Another Red Dwarf full of crazy people.

Suddenly, the doors to the docking bay open, and several officers enter, pointing their guns at the crew.

OFFICER 1: (shouting) Freeze! You are all under arrest!

The crew looks at each other, realizing they have landed in a dangerous and unknown place.

As the officers lead the crew away, they are brought to a large interrogation room where they are strapped into chairs.

RIMMER: (panicked) What’s going on? Why are we being treated like this?

OFFICER 1: (smirking) You don’t belong here. We need to know where you came from and what your intentions are.

LISTER: (sighing) We’re just travelers, man. We don’t mean any harm.

As the interrogation continues, the crew becomes more and more desperate to escape. Suddenly, the doors burst open and in walks Kochanski, wearing a mini skirt, crop top, and fishnet stockings.

KOCHANSKI: (commanding) Stop this interrogation immediately! These people are not your enemies.

OFFICER 2: (surprised) But ma’am, they are not authorized to be here.

KOCHANSKI: (firmly) I am authorized to be here. I am from a different timeline and I need their help to reset the timeline.

The officers reluctantly release the crew from their restraints, and they follow Kochanski out of the interrogation room.

LISTER: (whispering to Kochanski) What’s going on? How did we end up here?

KOCHANSKI: (explaining) I was on a mission to retrieve a time machine that could reset our timeline, but I was captured by these officers. You guys must have accidentally jumped into our timeline.

RIMMER: (sarcastic) Oh great, just another dimension full of crazy people.

As they make their way through the ship, Kochanski leads the crew to the time machine. However, as they activate it, the officers catch up to them and a violent struggle ensues.

CAT: (fighting off officers) These guys are crazy!

LISTER: (punching an officer) Tell me about it!

KRYTEN: (using his arm as a weapon) This is quite exhilarating, sir.

RIMMER: (hiding behind a console) I’ll just stay here and provide moral support.

Finally, the crew manages to activate the time machine and reset the timeline. As they jump back into their own timeline, they breathe a sigh of relief.

LISTER: (grinning) Well, that was a wild ride.

KRYTEN: (smiling) Indeed, sir. I haven’t had this much excitement in ages.

RIMMER: (rolling his eyes) Let’s just hope we never end up in another parallel universe again.

CAT: (smiling) Yeah, I prefer our own crazy world.

The crew laughs and makes their way back to their own Red Dwarf, grateful to be back in their own timeline once again.

As Kochanski joined the regular crew, they were all very respectful of her, including her choice of clothing. Lister and Cat were particularly excited to have her on board, and Rimmer tried his best to hide his attraction to her.

Kochanski quickly got to work on trying to figure out how they ended up in their past timeline. She and Kryten analyzed the ship’s data and discovered a glitch in the time drive that caused them to inadvertently travel back in time.

As they worked on a solution, the rest of the crew tried to blend in with the past version of Red Dwarf, but they found it difficult to keep up the act. Lister, in particular, struggled to keep his behavior in check, especially around his past self.

Rimmer, who was still stuck in his series 1 hologram form, was especially cautious about attracting the attention of the past crew, fearing that they might be seen as imposters and subjected to further torture.

Meanwhile, Kochanski managed to come up with a plan to reset the time drive, but it required them to access a restricted area of the ship. They decided to split into two teams, with Kochanski and Kryten heading to the restricted area, and Lister, Cat, and Rimmer staying behind to distract the past crew.

The distraction plan involved Lister and Cat performing a musical number in the cargo bay, while Rimmer worked on disabling some of the ship’s systems to cause a diversion. As they performed their musical number, Kochanski and Kryten made their way to the restricted area and successfully reset the time drive.

As they prepared to return to their own timeline, the past crew caught on to their presence and attempted to stop them. However, with the time drive reset, the regular crew was able to return to their own timeline, leaving the past crew to wonder what had happened.

Back in their own timeline, the regular crew breathed a sigh of relief and celebrated their success. Kochanski was particularly grateful to be back with the crew she had grown to love and admire, and they were all happy to have her on board as a valued member of their team.

As the crew worked on their plan to reset the timeline, they suddenly heard a loud banging on the door. “Identify yourselves!” Kryten shouted through the intercom. “We are rogue simulants, and we demand to come aboard,” a metallic voice responded.

Rimmer, Lister, and the others quickly armed themselves with whatever they could find, while Kochanski stood by, ready to help. The door suddenly burst open, and a group of menacing-looking robots barged in, wielding laser guns.

The crew fought back fiercely, but they were vastly outnumbered. Just when things seemed dire, a group of GELFs (Genetically Engineered Life Forms) emerged from the shadows, armed with their own weapons.

The GELFs and the crew fought together against the simulants, each side taking out as many of the enemy as possible. Kochanski was a force to be reckoned with, taking down multiple simulants with her sharp wit and quick reflexes.

After a long and grueling battle, the rogue simulants were finally defeated. The crew and the GELFs stood together, exhausted but victorious. “Thank you for your help,” Lister said to the GELFs. “I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be fighting alongside you.”

“We may have our differences,” one of the GELFs replied, “but we are all fighting for survival in this harsh universe.”

As the crew and the GELFs celebrated their victory, Kochanski turned to Rimmer with a sly smile. “You know, Arnold,” she said, “I never realized how sexy you could look in a spacesuit.”

Rimmer blushed, but couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride. With Kochanski by his side, and the rest of the crew and the GELFs working together, he felt like anything was possible.

As they make their way through the ship, Rimmer and Kochanski can’t help but feel drawn to each other. Despite Rimmer’s holographic form and the fact that he’s technically dead, there’s a spark between them that can’t be denied.

As they navigate through the ship, they keep finding themselves in close proximity, and their conversations become more flirtatious. Rimmer finds himself completely enamored with Kochanski’s confidence and beauty, and she is charmed by Rimmer’s intelligence and wit.

One evening, as they sit together in a quiet corner of the ship, Rimmer works up the courage to ask Kochanski out on a date. She smiles, her eyes sparkling, and agrees.

The next night, Rimmer prepares for the date with butterflies in his stomach. He wears his best holographic suit, which he’s had since his days as an officer, and makes sure that everything is just right. When Kochanski arrives, Rimmer can hardly believe how stunning she looks in her fishnet stockings and mini skirt.

They share a romantic dinner in the ship’s mess hall, where they talk about everything from their past experiences to their hopes and dreams for the future. As the night goes on, Rimmer feels more and more connected to Kochanski, and he realizes that he’s fallen in love with her.

But their romantic evening is cut short when the ship is suddenly attacked by rogue simulants and GELFs. Rimmer and Kochanski fight side by side, using their skills and intelligence to defend themselves and their shipmates.

After the battle is over and the ship is safe, Rimmer takes Kochanski in his arms and tells her how he feels. She smiles and kisses him, and they embrace each other as the ship continues on its journey through space.

As Rimmer and Kochanski’s romance bloomed, they became inseparable, spending every moment they could together. Lister and Cat were happy for them, but Kryten remained skeptical, knowing how fickle relationships could be.

One morning, as the crew gathered for breakfast, Kryten served up a plate of fried eggs, perfectly cooked as always. But as Rimmer went to take a bite, his teeth hit something hard.

“What in smeg’s name is this?” Rimmer exclaimed, pulling out a small metal object from his mouth.

Kryten examined the object and gasped in horror. “Oh dear, it appears to be a part from one of the rogue simulants we encountered earlier.”

Suddenly, alarms blared throughout the ship as the GELFs launched a surprise attack. The crew scrambled to their stations, trying to fend off the invaders.

In the midst of the chaos, Kochanski reached into her pocket and pulled out a small gadget. With a click of a button, a bright light filled the room, blinding everyone.

When the light faded, the GELFs were gone, and the crew was left confused and disoriented. Kochanski explained that the gadget was a weapon she had acquired in her travels, capable of disintegrating organic matter.

Rimmer, still shaken from finding the metal object in his food, turned to Kochanski and said, “You know, you’re quite the resourceful one. I never realized how much I admire your intelligence.”

Kochanski smiled and leaned in for a kiss, but as she did, a bit of egg yolk slipped from her plate and landed on Rimmer’s forehead. He laughed it off, but something about the egg seemed to trigger a long-forgotten memory.

Suddenly, Rimmer’s hologram flickered, and he disappeared before everyone’s eyes.

Kryten gasped. “Oh my goodness! It seems that the egg yolk has reacted with the part from the rogue simulant, causing a temporal rift in Rimmer’s hologram matrix!”

The crew stared in disbelief as Rimmer’s hologram reappeared in a different form, now resembling his long-dead father.

“I am Arnold J. Rimmer, senior,” he announced. “And I demand to know what in the hell is going on here!”

Rimmer: “Attention all crew! This is Arnold J. Rimmer, senior. We have just received a transmission from a rogue simulant vessel. They are demanding that we surrender the ship and all of our technology.”

Kochanski: “What are we going to do?”

Rimmer: “We’re going to fight, of course! We have the element of surprise on our side. They think they’re dealing with a skeleton crew, but we have a full complement of officers and a few surprises of our own.”

Just then, a group of GELFs burst into the room, weapons at the ready.

GELF Leader: “We want the ship! Give it to us now, or we’ll tear you apart limb from limb!”

Rimmer: “Hold on, hold on. Let’s not be hasty. We can work something out. Maybe we can trade-“

Kochanski: “No, Rimmer. We’re not giving up the ship. We have to fight.”

Rimmer: “But-“

Kochanski: “No buts, Rimmer. We’re not going to be pushed around anymore. It’s time to take a stand.”

As the tension in the room rises, Kochanski looks down and notices something strange on the floor.

Kochanski: “What’s this? It looks like…fried eggs?”

Rimmer: “Fried eggs? What are you talking about?”

Kochanski picks up one of the fried eggs and examines it closely.

Kochanski: “These are definitely fried eggs. But where did they come from?”

Suddenly, a hatch in the ceiling opens and dozens of rogue simulants drop down into the room.

Simulant Leader: “You are surrounded. Surrender now and we may spare your lives.”

Kochanski: “Oh, great. Just when things couldn’t get any worse.”

But then, something strange happens. The rogue simulants stop in their tracks, staring in shock at the fried eggs in Kochanski’s hand.

Simulant Leader: “Fried eggs? How did you get fried eggs?”

Kochanski: “What? Are you serious?”

Simulant Leader: “Yes, fried eggs are a delicacy on our planet. We’ve been searching the galaxy for them for years.”

Kochanski: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t have any more fried eggs. That was the last one.”

The simulant leader looks disappointed, but then he grins wickedly.

Simulant Leader: “No matter. We’ll just take the ship and make our own fried eggs.”

The room erupts into chaos as the crew and simulants engage in a fierce battle. Kochanski fights alongside Rimmer, her mini skirt and fishnet stockings proving to be an effective distraction against the simulant fighters.

In the end, the crew emerges victorious, but at a great cost. The ship is badly damaged, and many of the crew members are injured or dead.

As they survey the damage, Kochanski turns to Rimmer and smiles.

Kochanski: “You know, Rimmer, you’re not half bad when you’re not being a complete smeghead.”

Rimmer smiles back, and for a moment, the two share a brief moment of romance amidst the chaos.

The screen fades to black as the ship hurtles through space, its fate uncertain.

Kochanski looked at Rimmer, astonished at how much he resembled his father. She couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions. On one hand, it was like seeing a ghost, and on the other, it was difficult not to see the same petty and cowardly behavior she had experienced from his father.

Rimmer, sensing Kochanski’s discomfort, tried to explain. “I don’t know how or why, but when I went through that time portal, something must have happened that changed me. I look like my dad, but I’m still me. I’m still Arnold Rimmer.”

Kochanski took a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves. “I know you’re still you, Arnold. It’s just… seeing you like this, it’s a shock.”

Rimmer nodded, understanding. “I get it. But I’m still the same Rimmer you knew before. Maybe a bit more… mature.”

Kochanski couldn’t help but smile at that. “I suppose you are. And I have to admit, there’s something strangely attractive about you with that mustache.”

Rimmer blushed, looking down at his feet. “You really think so?”

Kochanski leaned in closer, a playful glint in her eye. “Oh, I definitely do. But I won’t let it go to your head.”

Rimmer chuckled, feeling a warmth in his chest he hadn’t felt in a long time. “I’ll try to contain myself.”

Just then, a loud explosion rocked the ship, and they both stumbled. “What was that?” Kochanski asked, looking around in alarm.

Rimmer’s face turned serious. “We need to get to the cockpit. Something’s attacking the ship.” He grabbed Kochanski’s hand and pulled her along with him as they ran towards the cockpit.

As they neared the cockpit, they saw that the door had been blown off its hinges. Inside, they saw a group of rogue simulants and GELFs, all armed to the teeth and ready for a fight. Rimmer and Kochanski exchanged a worried look, but they knew they had to try and stop them.

Rimmer stepped forward, trying to look as authoritative as possible. “You there! This is the Starbug of the Jupiter Mining Corporation. Stand down and surrender.”

The simulants and GELFs just laughed, pointing their guns at Rimmer and Kochanski. “You think we’re afraid of a couple of puny humans? Think again.”

Rimmer and Kochanski exchanged a look, both knowing that they were outmatched. But they also knew they couldn’t just give up without a fight. They braced themselves for what was about to come next.

As the last GELF falls to the ground, Rimmer and Kochanski breathe a sigh of relief. They turn to each other, both covered in dirt and grime from the battle.

Rimmer: (panting) Well, that was quite a day, wasn’t it?

Kochanski: (smiling) Sure was. But we make a pretty good team, don’t you think?

Rimmer: (grinning) You know it. (pauses) Kochanski, I just want to say that I’ve always admired your bravery and your intelligence. You’re one of the best officers I’ve ever had the pleasure of serving with.

Kochanski: (blushing) Thank you, Arnold. That means a lot coming from you.

As they stand there, gazing into each other’s eyes, they hear a strange noise coming from behind them. They turn around to see a swarm of rogue Simulants and GELFs advancing towards them once again.

Rimmer: (exasperated) Oh for crying out loud!

Kochanski: (determined) We can take them. We’ve done it before, we can do it again.

Rimmer: (nodding) Right you are. (pauses) Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea.

Kochanski: (curious) What is it?

Rimmer: (smiling slyly) I remember something my father used to do whenever he encountered a swarm of rogue Simulants and GELFs.

Kochanski: (confused) What’s that?

Rimmer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frying pan and a carton of eggs.

Rimmer: (grinning) We’re going to make an omelette.

Kochanski looks at Rimmer incredulously, but then a small smile creeps onto her face.

Kochanski: (nodding) Alright, let’s do it.

Together, Rimmer and Kochanski start cracking eggs into the frying pan, and as they do, they begin to chant a strange incantation. The rogue Simulants and GELFs come to a halt, watching in confusion as the two humans cook their eggs.

Suddenly, a blinding flash of light erupts from the frying pan, engulfing the entire swarm of Simulants and GELFs. When the light fades, the creatures are gone, leaving only a faint smell of eggs in the air.

Kochanski: (wide-eyed) What the smeg was that?

Rimmer: (smiling triumphantly) That, my dear Kochanski, was a trick my father used to use to defeat rogue Simulants and GELFs. He never told me how he did it, but I figured it out.

Kochanski: (impressed) Well, I have to say, I’m impressed. And a little hungry.

Rimmer: (smiling) I know just the place to get a decent omelette.

Together, Rimmer and Kochanski walk off into the distance, ready to face whatever adventures come their way next.

As Rimmer and Kochanski celebrate their victory over the Simulants and GELFs, they begin to realize their feelings for each other. Rimmer, who had always been too uptight and neurotic to consider a romantic relationship, finds himself drawn to Kochanski’s free-spirited nature and sense of humor.

Kochanski, on the other hand, sees past Rimmer’s cowardice and insecurities, and begins to appreciate his intelligence and loyalty. They share a series of romantic moments, stealing kisses when they think no one is watching and making each other laugh with their inside jokes.

As they make their way back to Red Dwarf, Rimmer and Kochanski grow closer and closer, and they can’t deny their attraction any longer. They finally confess their feelings to each other, and share a passionate kiss under the stars.

From that moment on, Rimmer and Kochanski are inseparable. They work together to keep the ship running smoothly, and find happiness in each other’s company. Even when they face new challenges and obstacles, they know that they can always count on each other for love and support.

We see Rimmer and Kochanski sitting together in the ship’s observation deck, gazing out at the stars. They’re eating breakfast, and Rimmer is making Kochanski laugh by trying to juggle a set of fried eggs. It’s clear that they’ve found true love, and they’re happier than they ever thought possible.

INT. RED DWARF – OBSERVATION DECK – DAY

Rimmer and Kochanski are standing on the observation deck, holding hands and gazing out into space.

KOCHANSKI

(smiling)

I can’t believe we finally made it.

RIMMER

(smiling back)

I know. It’s been a long journey, but we got here in the end.

KOCHANSKI

(leaning in)

I just wanted to say thank you for everything. You’ve been there for me through thick and thin, and I couldn’t have done it without you.

RIMMER

(squeezing her hand)

You don’t have to thank me. I’m just glad we could do this together.

They share a tender moment, lost in each other’s eyes. Suddenly, the ship’s intercom crackles to life.

KRYTEN (V.O.)

Attention all crew members. Please report to the cargo bay for a special announcement.

Rimmer and Kochanski look at each other, puzzled.

RIMMER

(sighing)

I guess duty calls.

KOCHANSKI

(smiling)

We’ll continue this later.

They share a quick kiss and head off to the cargo bay.

CUT TO:

INT. CARGO BAY – DAY

The crew is gathered around a table, where Kryten is holding a tray of something covered in a silver dome.

KRYTEN

(smiling)

I have a surprise for everyone. It seems we have one final gift from our departed friends, the Simulants.

He removes the silver dome to reveal a tray of perfectly cooked fried eggs.

CAT

(excitedly)

Fried eggs! I love fried eggs!

RIMMER

(disappointed)

Fried eggs? That’s it?

KRYTEN

(apologetically)

I’m afraid so, sir. It’s all they left behind.

Kochanski nudges Rimmer and smiles.

KOCHANSKI

(whispering)

Looks like we’ll have to find some other way to celebrate.

RIMMER

(grinning)

I like the sound of that.

The crew laughs and cheers as the camera pans out to show Red Dwarf floating through space, the sun setting in the distance.

FADE OUT.

POST-CREDITS SCENE:

INT. RED DWARF – CHAPEL – DAY

Rimmer and Kochanski stand at the altar, surrounded by the rest of the crew.

PRIEST KRYTEN

(doing his best to sound solemn)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Arnold J. Rimmer and Kristine Kochanski in holy matrimony.

As the priest continues to speak, we see flashbacks of Rimmer and Kochanski’s journey together, from their early days on Red Dwarf to their battle against the Simulants and GELFs.

PRIEST KRYTEN (V.O.)

Do you, Arnold J. Rimmer, take Kristine Kochanski to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

RIMMER

(smiling)

I do.

PRIEST KRYTEN (V.O.)

And do you, Kristine Kochanski, take Arnold J. Rimmer to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

KOCHANSKI

(tearfully)

I do.

The priest pronounces them husband and wife, and they share a kiss as the rest of the crew cheers and throws confetti.

FADE OUT.

[Flap Jack]

Was the Rimmer/Kochanski shipping in the prompt? Because if not, I think this output is making the ethical case for ChatGPT to be shut down. For the Rimmer’s dad roleplay alone, honestly.

Although I did get a chuckle just from seeing the words “PRIEST KRYTEN”.

And the revelation that Rimmer’s dad was also called Arnold J. has immense lore implications.

[International Debris]

I asked it to expand on their story, but it initially came up with their romance by itself. Along with Kochanski’s costume, and the fried eggs, amazingly. I asked it to expand on what she was wearing and why but it told me that it’s not right to objectify people based on their appearance. So I asked it to write about them being very respectful of her outfit decision, which it was happy doing, even though it was minimal.

And yes, PRIEST KRYTEN is pretty funny, I can completely visualise it.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

Thanks for the Only the Good… Can of Duct Soup Marooned Back in the Promised Gunmen of the Blue Ouroboros Out of the Red Apocalypse to Earth Backwards Part III

[Dave]

I’m starting to think that Last Human might have been written with ChatGPT.

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

I asked it to write an episode where they go back to get Lister’s hat. I was actually really interested but it cut off just as it was coming to the good bit.

Title: Hat Trick

Fade in:

INT. RED DWARF – CORRIDOR

Lister is walking down the corridor, whistling a tune. He’s wearing a different hat than usual, a plain baseball cap. 

A plain baseball cap? That doesn’t sound like our Lister.

Kryten approaches him.

KRYTEN:

Good morning, Mr. Lister. I see you’re sporting a new hat.

LISTER:

Yeah, I had to replace my old one.

KRYTEN:

May I ask what happened to your old hat?

LISTER:

I lost it on a planet we visited a while back. But I’m going back there to get it.

KRYTEN:

Back to the Kinitawowi planet?

LISTER:

Yeah.

KRYTEN:

But they were trying to hunt you down after the events of Emohawk: Polymorph II.

That’s rather meta, isn’t it Kryters? I’m going to assume this is post-BTE and Kryten memorised the episode titles on the covers.

LISTER:

I know, but my hat’s important to me. It’s got sentimental value.

KRYTEN:

Sentimental value? It’s just a hat.

Kryten! I’m shocked.

LISTER:

It’s not just a hat. It’s a lucky hat. I’ve had it since I was a kid. My dad gave it to me.

KRYTEN:

I see. But is it worth risking your life for?

LISTER:

It’s worth risking my life for. And Rimmer and the Cat can come with me if they want.

KRYTEN:

Very well, sir. But please be careful.

Cut to:

INT. RED DWARF – STARBUG COCKPIT

Lister, Rimmer, and Cat are flying to the Kinitawowi planet.

RIMMER:

I can’t believe we’re doing this. Going back to a planet where we’re wanted criminals just to get a hat.

CAT:

I don’t see why we couldn’t just buy him a new hat.

Because GELF space is well known for its many hat shops.

LISTER:

It’s not the same. This hat’s got history.

Suddenly, they hear a loud thud on the hull of Starbug.

LISTER:

What the smeg was that?

RIMMER:

It’s the Kinitawowi. They’re trying to shoot us down.

CAT:

Can’t we just fly away?

RIMMER:

We can’t outrun them. We’ll have to fight.

And that’s not a particularly Rimmerish thing to say either.

Cut to:

EXT. KINITAWOWI PLANET – JUNGLE

The boys have crash-landed on the planet. They’re surrounded by Kinitawowi warriors with spears and axes.

KINITAWOWI WARRIOR:

You have returned to our planet, human. You have broken our laws and our customs.

So they speak English now, I guess.

LISTER:

I just came to get my hat.

I love how casual his response is.

KINITAWOWI WARRIOR:

Your hat is not important. You have stolen from us and humiliated our people.

RIMMER:

I’m sure we can work something out. Maybe we can pay you back for the oxy-generation unit.

CAT:

Or we can just give you back your bride.

There’s two possible readings of this. One makes no sense, and the other bodes very poorly for Lister.

KINITAWOWI WARRIOR:

That will not be enough. You have insulted our honor.

Suddenly, a Kinitawowi woman steps forward. It’s Lister’s jilted bride, Pree.

What a weird coincidence!

PREE:

I can help you. I know where your hat is.

Well, she got over that quickly.

LISTER:

You do? Where?

PREE:

It’s in the temple of the Great Tree. But it’s guarded by the sacred monkeys.

 

LISTER:

Monkeys? We can handle monkeys.

PREE:

These monkeys are different. They’re trained to protect the temple at all costs. They won’t let anyone in.

RIMMER:

So how do we get in?

PREE:

There’s a secret entrance. I can show you.

Cut to:

INT

[International Debris]

“I just came to get my hat” is a very Lister line.

[Formica]

Been warming up ChatGPT for a few more of these lately. At one point, as an exercise, I asked it to name all 74 episodes of Red Dwarf. It listed the first 61 from series I-X fine, skipped XI and wrote the titles from XII, said “The One Where Everyone’s Kryten”, then made up three new ones. Finished off by throwing a network error so it didn’t save and I didn’t think to screenshot. Oopsie :/

[International Debris]

I just asked it that and it came up with everything except The Promised Land and said that was all 74 episodes. I told it it was incorrect and it listed 73 again. I did this a few times, eventually asking it what the 74th episode was. It said Skipper. I told it it was wrong again and it brought up The Promised Land, and then finally listed all 74 correctly.

I like to think I’ve somehow improved humanity in the process of doing that.

[Moonlight]

Mainly just getting annoyed that ChatGPT doesn’t understand the “no aliens” rule.

[Jenuall]

[Formica]

I like to think I’ve somehow improved humanity in the process of doing that.

Unfortunately, I’m fairly sure that’s only changed it on your specific instance, don’t think it updates to some central mind. 

[International Debris]

Ah, does it not learn from the chats then? That’d be a shame.

[Dave]

To make it more human they decided to have it not actually change its mind as a result of any of the conversations it has online.

[Jonathan Capps]

To make it more human they decided to have it not actually change its mind as a result of any of the conversations it has online.

[Dave]

Ha!

[Future Producer of Series IX – aaaaany day now]

I got some stories out of it that are serviceable but a bit bland, so I’m not going to post the full thing, but instead here’s a rundown, interrupted occasionally by some actual skits of varying quality:

– Something keeps waking Rimmer up at night with knocking but nobody owns up. He thinks it’s a ghost and tries to catch it but it ends up turning out to be a service droid “programmed to knock on doors to remind crew members of their duty shifts”. A mortified Rimmer tries to pretend he knew it all along, convincing nobody.

FADE IN:

INT. STARBUG COCKPIT

Cat is sitting in the pilot’s seat, wearing a cool pilot’s jacket and sunglasses. Rimmer is standing next to him, looking officious and annoyed.

RIMMER:
Alright, Cat. This is a flight test to renew your pilot’s license. You’ll be graded on your knowledge of the ship’s systems, your ability to navigate through obstacles, and your overall piloting skills.

CAT:
(chuckling)
Relax, man. I’ve flown Starbug a million times. I could do this with my eyes closed.

RIMMER:
(huffily)
We’ll see about that.

Kryten enters the cockpit, carrying a large basket of laundry.

KRYTEN:
(sighing)
I’m sorry, gentlemen. I won’t be able to act as Cat’s instructor today. I have a pressing engagement with the laundry.

RIMMER:
(putting on a brave face)
No matter, Kryten. I’ll take over from here.

CAT:
(smiling)
Great! I always prefer flying with someone who’s a stickler for the rules.

Rimmer looks pleased with himself as he sits down in the co-pilot’s seat.

RIMMER:
Very well, Cat. Let’s begin.

Cat starts up the engines and begins to take off.

CAT:
(cockily)
Watch this, Rimmer.

Cat expertly navigates through a series of obstacles, impressing even Rimmer.

RIMMER:
(hesitantly)
Well, I have to admit, Cat. You’re doing quite well.

CAT:
(smirking)
Of course I am. I’m a natural-born pilot.

Rimmer clears his throat.

RIMMER:
Ahem. However, you are being graded on your overall behaviour and attitude as well, Cat.

CAT:
(confused)
What are you talking about?

RIMMER:
(pointing)
You keep using the rear-view mirrors to check yourself out and comb your hair. That’s not appropriate behaviour for a pilot.

CAT:
(defensive)
Hey, I gotta look good while I fly. It’s part of the job.

RIMMER:
(frowning)
I’m sorry, Cat. That’s not part of the job. You need to focus on flying the ship and not on your appearance.

CAT:
(rolling his eyes)
Fine. Whatever.

Cat completes the flight test with flying colors, but Rimmer deducts points for his attitude and behavior.

RIMMER:
I’m afraid I have to dock a few points for your attitude, Cat. You need to take this more seriously.

CAT:
(sighing)
Whatever you say, man.

Rimmer looks smug as Cat gets out of the pilot’s seat.

RIMMER:
(smiling)
Well done, Cat. You’ve passed the test. You’re officially licensed to fly Starbug once again.

CAT:
(grinning)
Told you I could do it.

RIMMER:
(huffily)
Yes, well, I still think you need to work on your attitude.

CAT:
(laughing)
You’re just jealous of my good looks, Rimmer.

Rimmer scowls as Cat saunters out of the cockpit.

FADE OUT.

– The crew interrupt the filming of Apocalypse Now and Lister tries and fails to find Marlon Brando, Rimmer fails at starting a career in acting, Francis Ford Coppola loses his shit, and they blow up a jungle.

– Cat takes the theory test but he fails. Rimmer Rimmers. Cat reluctantly agrees to retake the exam but repeats that he thinks it’s stupid.

– They crossover with Blackadder series 2. It’s not as interesting as that sounds.

[Warbodog]

I’m trying to move into rewriting/improving AI dialogue as my main job, since the rise of the bots is quite rightly killing off my generic copywriting work (they stabbed it with a knife). All your mucking about in this thread has been helpful background, so thanks.

[Author]

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