Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

DEAR DAVE PART TWO

A dinosaur shits everywhere, then cleans it up using Rimmer’s special report.

[Rubber]

Balance of Pooer

A dinosaur shits everywhere while standing on a tightrope.

[flanl3]

ONLY THE GOOD… PART TWO:

A dinosaur shits everywhere, suffocating the chameleonic microbe, and Rimmer takes all the credit.

[flanl3]

SKIPPER PART TWO:

Rimmer skips to an alternate dimension where the entire crew of Red Dwarf is just dinosaurs shitting everywhere.

[flanl3]

PETE PART ONE PART TWO:

Rimmer and Lister put some drugs in the prison guard basketball team’s halftime juice to turn them all into dinosaurs that shit everywhere.

[Rubber]

Tony the Good

Tony Slattery’s still alive, don’t forget! What nuance he brings to each part he plays. Totally worth getting him in specifically like it’s still the 1980s. Meanwhile, a dinosaur does a big shit.

[flanl3]

CAN OF WORMS PART TWO:

Cat is shocked when everybody tells him that turning into a dinosaur and shitting everywhere is not a common sex move. He gets upset and runs off and kills his dinosaur children because of this.

[flanl3]

LEMONS PART TWO:

The boys travel back in time with Jesus to see a dinosaur shitting everywhere. Thankfully, the dinosaur has visited the land of Albion in his travels, so he can communicate perfectly fine with them all.

[flanl3]

QUARANTINE PART TWO:

The boys discover that Lanstrom had also extracted the dinosaur shitting everywhere virus, and give Lister an injection to see if it really works. Hilarity ensues.

[flanl3]

THE END REMASTERED PART TWO:

You know that pile of hologrammatic shit Rimmer crashed into? That was actually hologrammatic dinosaur shit.

[Rubber]

Pete Part Poo

Pete turns out to be descended from Moses but a bird and parts the brown sea.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE RED PART THREE PART TWO PETE PART ONE PART TWO:

It turns out the episode of Red Dwarf where a dinosaur shits everywhere isn’t a dream.

[Moonlight]

EARTH PART 2

Lister kills almost everyone on Earth and responds with a crack about swapping insurance details. Meanwhile, Rimmer enslaves the remainder of humanity and a race of feral Dwayne Dibbleys declares Cat to be their God.

[Dave]

ONLY THE WOOD

Lister asks Rimmer what types of telegraph poles he is interested in.

[cwickham]

ONLY THE WOOD PART TWO

Deeply moving and profound two-hander between Kill Crazy and a dinosaur that shits everywhere.

[Dave]

RED DWARF DE-MASTERED

Unusual project through which old episodes of Red Dwarf have their model shots replaced with cruder and more dated-looking special effects, and also have a new digital film treatment applied to the entire episode to make the quality look if anything *shitter* than previously.

(Or was that REmastered? Yes, I think it was remastered wasn’t it.)

[Rubber]

Quite Teaty Vi

The crew stumble cross a research station where Queen Victoria has been cloned and crossbred with cows to create a plentiful source of royal milk. Naturally, their droopy titties grab the attention of Cat – he’s a slave to the white stuff! Meanwhile, Lister and Rimmer blah blah antagonism blah blap bloo

[Me Own Stunts]

Suddenly there are teeth and they go shopping.

[Moonlight]

FULL QUILTED JACKET

Rimmer joins the army. He fails boot camp, but discovers he can simply put on a sergeant’s outfit and pretend to be in charge of his former fellow recruits. Will the fake mustache fool them? And more importantly, how will his inability to touch result in wacky slapstick hijinks when his newfound glory gets him a date?

Meanwhile, Lister is put to death by GELFs after he mistakes their chief for a curry.

[clem]

GALLONS OF POO, EURGH!

A dinosaur eats curry and shits everywhere. Meanwhile Cat takes up bodybuilding.

[clem]

BACK TURDS

Captain Hollister’s about to get a massage when a dinosaur shits on his back. Meanwhile Kryten’s won the pools!

[Dave]

WAITING FOR DODD

Lister and Rimmer travel back in time to 20th-Century Earth and decide to go and see Ken Dodd live. Unfortunately he turns up late and an already-restless crowd turns ugly. Lister tries to use a Bazookoid to fight his way out, but in the chaos, Ken Dodd is killed. A dark chapter in Red Dwarf history.

[Rubber]

Legiron

Mr Naylor visits the ship but comical domesticated robot Kryten can’t work out how to iron his artificial leg; cue another temper tantrum! Meanwhile, Rimmer gets really into putting people in medieval bondage. Guest starring Johnny Peacock as Mr Naylor.

[Rubber]

Gunman of the Paralympics

Oscar Pistorius visits the ship, gets confused by a talking toilet and shoots it quite a lot.

[Dave]

Binmen of the Apocalypse

When the garbage droids are corrupted by a computer virus, the Boys From The Dwarf have to learn how to dispose of their own rubbish.

Actually I could see that being a real plot for the show.

[Rubber]

Incense of the Apoocalypse

Shit-eating MILF droid Incense drops by, eager to stand behind a dinosaur while it shits everywhere. He’s disappointed to learn that it’s now off-season and there won’t be any more shitting dinosaurs around until late March. Lister kindly tries to get him interested in eating things other than shit, but to no avail. Guest starring Su Pollard (uncredited) as Peggy.

[cwickham]

BINMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE PART TWO

The Dwarfers refuse to dispose of their own rubbish, leading to them shitting everywhere as it now makes no difference.

[Pete Part Three]

BINMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE PART THREE

The Riviera Kid is sentenced to 120 hours of community service for assaulting two bin men.

[clem]

THE INK VISITOR

Another squid has gotten into the water tank. Meanwhile T. Rex shit everywhere. That’s T. Rex the band, not a dinosaur.

[Dave]

HANDWAVE

Criticism is banned. This means that all people posting on G&T are forbidden from moaning about the way Red Dwarf stories often set up key plot points only to later ignore them or resolve them in the flimsiest, most cursory way possible.

[cwickham]

THE BEND

Newly re-remastered version of The End, with a really conspicuous newly-filmed scene where Lister recounts the Bent Bob story from “Duct Soup”.

[Rubber]

Weightlifting for God

Kochanski attributes her success in the Red Dwarf all-women powerlifting championships to her unshakeable religious faith. Meanwhile, Oscar Pistorius is still on the loose, last seen scuttling about on the cargo decks.

[Rubber]

Better Dead Than SmegLife

The Inquisitor’s irritable wife turns up and obliterates Rimmer from existence for being useless and managing to get himself killed. Unfortunately, she’s not very good at her job and when she replaces him with one of the ‘sperms that never made it’, she accidentally chooses one who had already been ejaculated and was just a sticky stale semeny remnant prior to being transplanted into Rimmer’s timeline. SmegRimmer is similar to HoloRimmer except that he’s alive, short, has a long spermy tail and absolutely no physical co-ordination or language skills, is completely obsessed with eggs, sticks to everything he touches and smells of stale cheese. On reflection, the crew – who can still remember the original version, due to further Inquisiteptitude – decide they preferred him as a cunty hologram. Guest starring Ruth Jones as Mrs Inquisitor and Toby Jones as SmegRimmer.

[Rubber]

Tanks: Further Memories

29 minutes of Robert Llewellyn reminiscing over how cool it was to be able to pop his head up out of a tank in that contrived episode he wrote specifically so he could have the chance to pop his head up out of a tank. Meanwhile, Lister’s smeggy socks; curry.

[cwickham]

Tanks Fuhrer Memories

Basically the same as the above, except with Ryan Gage and Kenneth Hadley appearing halfway through.

[bloodteller]

THE REND: Cat tears all the flesh off Rimmer’s body.

[Rubber]

Parallewellyn Universe

Holly accidentally transports the crew to a parallel universe where everyone has to spend hours in makeup being made to look like Robert Llewellyn. The gang develop a real appreciation for the hardships Robert Llewellyn suffers from having to wear that ridiculous head all the time, and the experience of wearing a Robert Llewellyn head actually makes at least one member of the cast fall ill.

[Rubber]

The Friend

Jennifer Aniston drops by and Cat tears all the flesh off her body. Afterwards he thinks they had sex.

[Moonlight]

MAC MCDONALD HAD A FARM, VEE-EYE-VEE-EYE-EYE

Turns out Captain Hollister stole Red Dwarf and hitched it up to his wagon to make daily grain deliveries. He agrees to give it back, but only if he’s allowed to cut up The Cat and run tests on his nipples. Rimmer agrees. Cat, in the natural conclusion to his running insults in Series XII, responds by jamming a screwdriver into Rimmer’s eye-socket. Lister shrugs. Cue credits.

[Dave]

RED DWARF: JUST THE SHOWERS

Oddly specific ‘vanilla’ DVD compilation collecting only those episodes of Red Dwarf in which a shower is seen or mentioned.

[cwickham]

IDEA FOR AN EPISODE PART TWO

The ‘Idea for an episode’ thread grows so large it gains sentience, then proceeds to shit everywhere.

[cwickham]

RED DWARF: JUST THE Ss

DVD featuring Skipper, Siliconia, Samsara, Stoke Me a Clipper and Stasis Leak. A bonus disc features the Smeg Ups, The Starbuggers documentary, “The Speed of Dark”, “The Sands of Stuntbug”, the unfilmed script extracts from The Bodysnatcher Collection, “The SFX of Back to Earth”, the VIII storyboard sequences, “Settling the Score”, the “Sick” music featurette, “The SFX of Red Dwarf V”, all the previously released special effects footage and the ‘S’ bit of the Red Dwarf A-Z.

RED DWARF: JUST THE Qs

One-disc set featuring Queeg, Quarantine and nothing else. Doug Naylor later admits that the project will be put on hold until the world can catch up to his vision.

[bloodteller]

STASIS GREEK- the Dwarfers discover Heracles in stasis. he is surprised to discover so many of the spaceships 3 million years in the future are named after mythology from his time, and further surprised that the names of said ships usually correspond thematically to whatever’s onboard.

meanwhile, duane dibbley is found dead in a bin with a curtain rod shoved down his throat. but was it an accident?

[Rubber]

Terrorfarm

Lister finally gets his dream Fijian farm with Kochanski, sheep, cow, horses, twins etc, but things take a turn for the horrific when the animals go insane, turn on the humans and eat the faces of his wife and kids. Meanwhile, Kryten is an appliance.

[cwickham]

STASIS TWEAK: The Dwarfers adjust the settings on the stasis booths slightly.

[Rubber]

The Innquisitor

Cold, tired and hungry, Mary and Joseph arrive at the final hostelry in Bethlehem, desperately hoping they can find shelter for the night, even if only in an outhouse. However, due to terrible puns, the innkeeper-in-residence is the Innquisitor, who tells them they must justify their existences otherwise they will be expunged from time. ‘Please wait just a few more hours, I’m having the son of God later, that’s worthwhile!’ cries a desperate Mary, but unfortunately the Innquisitor is quite impatient, judges them harshly and deletes them from history, thus eradicating the Christfoetus which is also God, and ultimately obliterating both God and any sense of a higher power or purpose from the universe. This in turn leads to the Innquisitor’s original realisation that life is meaningless, triggering the series of events which led to his eternal quest to guarantee human worthwhility in the first place. Lawks! Meanwhile, food supplies are so low that Kryten is forced to freeze Lister’s meaty farts and serve them back to him with a distracting carrot.

[Dave]

RACIST LEAK

When a Daily Mail review of one of the show’s earliest episodes that describes Craig Charles in unflattering racist and heightist terms is inadvertently sent back in time to the actor as a young man, it dissuades him from taking a starring role in the series.

But then a time-travelling Alan Rickman and Alfred Molina show up and convince him to do it after all, thus leaving their schedules clear to become Hollywood superstars.

[Rubber]

White Hol

Nigel Farage sneaks into Holly’s main control room and fiddles with his settings so it’s impossible for him to appear as any race other than white British. When challenged about this by the rest of the crew, Farage turns shifty and defensive and mutters, ‘Look, it just helps me concentrate better, alright?’ Meanwhile, it hasn’t gone unnoticed by Rimmer that Lister wears an awful lot of leather for a heterosexual man.

[Captain Bollocks]

BACK TO BIRTH

The crew travel back to Lister’s emergence from the womb in order to abduct him and place him under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms in order that he might grow up to be the man who sired himself with the Kochanski from that alternate dimension, in turn allowing him to replace himself under the pool table at the Aigburth Arms and ultimately creating a paradox that results in a dinosaur shitting everywhere a couple of years later.

[Captain Bollocks]

CAN’T PEG, WON’T PEG

Anniversary spin-off special in which Kochanski refuses to bum Ainsley Harriott with crew-made strap-ons.

[Author]

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