Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Rubber]

Kryteen

Why’s Kryten acting all surly and uncooperative and insubordinate? That’s right, he’s become a teenager! Meanwhile, continuity calls the rape crisis helpline.

[si]

RED DWARF: JUST THE Qs
One-disc set featuring Queeg, Quarantine and nothing else. Doug Naylor later admits that the project will be put on hold until the world can catch up to his vision.

And the episodes of QI featuring ‘Pink Lawman’ Johnny Vegas, ‘Snow bloke’ Mark Steel, and ‘Musicy chap’ Howard Goodall.

[Paul Muller]

Stoke: “Me? A clipper?”

The crew continue their tour of the West Midlands with a trip to the Potteries Museum in Stoke-on-Trent. Rimmer is unable to contain his surprise when accused of stealing a priceless 19th century sailing vessel.

[Paul Muller]

Terraform

The crew manipulate the atmosphere of a barren planet over several millenia to create a functional ecosystem capable of supporting life.

[clem]

RED DWARF A-C, E, F, AND H-Z

Director’s cut of the Red Dwarf A-Z with the sections featuring Garry Bushell removed, because he’s a cunt.

[Rubber]

Bookwords

Doug writes another Red Dwarf novel. This is it. How meta!

[Paul Muller]

Just Ice

The crew stop off for lunch at a local Pizza Hut. The Cat gives a surprising answer when asked if he’d like ice and lemon in his refillable Diet Pepsi…

[cwickham]

RED DWARF A-C, E, F, AND H-Z PART TWO

Garry Bushell shits everywhere.

[flanl3]

FATWARDS:

The Dwarfers land on a planet where time runs faster nearer to people with higher BMIs. Featuring Doug Naylor as Rob Grant.

[Rubber]

The Lister Day

Every day is Lister day for Kryten! He just loves Mr Lister so very much. Unfortunately, Lister hasn’t noticed that Kryten has started borrowing parts of his body and wearing them while he’s asleep.

[bloodteller]

OFFICER SLIMMER: rimmer is so enthralled by his promotion to officer that he forgets to eat for 4 days, resulting in him losing 50kg.

meanwhile, the rimmer monster buys a keepfit bike but can’t use it because he’s a hideous mutated mess of a creature. he cries out in agony, and asks for the dwarfers to end its miserable existence. they cannot bring themselves to do it.

[bloodteller]

INCONTINENCE AND PARANOIA: lister starts worrying if that really IS a urine stain on his trousers, or if it’s just tea.

[Rubber]

Man of Worms

In a parallel universe, Lister’s pet worm evolved into a race of snuggly humanoid worms while he was in stasis. In our universe, however, it’s menopause time for Krissie K! Unless we’re still pretending she’s only 31. Guest starring Dr George Carey as Slightly Religious Worm and Kerry Shale as Pakistani HRT Patch.

[Pete Part Three]

Six Hundred of the Best

Ganymede and Titan regulars convene with Ed Bye to discuss their favourite 600 posts from the “Idea for an episode” thread. Meanwhile, the free Starbug hologram goes missing.

[bloodteller]

STASIS WEAK- kryten forces lister to become even more lazy, refusing to let him even leave his bed anymore. as a consequence, lister’s body becomes frail and weak and he suffers from muscle wastage and bedsores the size of radar dishes. kryten is quite pleased by this outcome- now lister will depend COMPLETELY on him, relying on him for literally everything as he is now capable of nothing. things take a dark turn however, when cat accidentally sits on lister’s fragile body, crushing all of his bones. bu

meanwhile rimmer goes into stasis, but then leaves.

[bloodteller]

CONFIDANTS AND PARANOIA- rimmer tells lister all his greatest secrets but then worries he’ll tell everyone

[bloodteller]

ONLY THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY: It’s movie night on board Red Dwarf! However, things take a turn for the worst when all the movies aside from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (1966) are inexplicably flushed into space. Movie night is ruined forever. But was it an accident?

[Colorband]

THE COLLECTOR

A travelling collector of odd, terrible, and outdated things ends up aboard the ship and wants to buy Kryten off the boys.

That’s all I’ve got.

[Colorband]

H’rumph, I can’t edit it again, so I’ll just continue the summary here.

A travelling collector of odd, terrible, and outdated things ends up aboard the ship and wants to buy Kryten off the boys. They spend the episode quibbling about it until the end, where they realize that they don’t really need money 3mil+ years in deep space, and instead send The Collector off with a vacuum-sealed package of one of Lister’s socks.

[Rubber]

Cry, Sis!

Kochanski’s brother Moose turns up, takes her lipstick away and laughs mockingly at his frosty sibling as her steely facade crumbles due to no longer looking perfect. On the plus side, Kryten discovers Kochanski’s tears have healing powers and he decides to keep her in a box in the medi-bay with her head poking out. Meanwhile, Cat has a man crush on Moose and they start doing bromance things, whatever those are. Guest starring Jeanette Tough as Moose.

[Rubber]

Twenticat

Cat clones himself quite a lot. Meanwhile, Todhunter pays a visit to his father’s headstone and finally begins to forgive himself. Guest starring MacKenzie Crook as Failed Clone Batch Cat #11.

[Rubber]

Fjord

The Dwarfers encounter a Space Fjord. How would a fjord work in space? Tune in to find out! Probably they’ll just be arguing among themselves in the cockpit, though. Guest starring Tameka Empson as Mother Nature and Joanna Page as Butterscotch Crypipes.

[Paul Muller]

Back To Reality, Oops There Goes Gravity

The crew write and direct a semi-autobiographical film loosely based around their famous encounter with the Despair Squid, which culminates in a high-stakes rap battle between Rimmer and the tentacled leviathan.

Due to the unrelated failure of Starbug’s anti-gravity unit – actors, crew and production equipment have to be secured to the deck with rope and stage weights.

Viewing the rushes, they are dismayed to notice that Rimmer’s ‘H’ drifted away from his forehead in the low gravity, and is floating across the foreground of every shot. There’s no budget for reshoots so they are forced to spend six months painstakingly correcting the shots in post-production.

[Rubber]

Camelle

Lister remembers that he also smuggled a camel onto Red Dwarf before the accident and a quick search of the other end of the cargo decks reveals the sole survivor of an evolved race of humanoid camel people. Despite the hump, Camelle is one hot mama but Cat’s attempts at inter-species seduction fall flat when she reveals she’s a necrophiliac – and she’s after the stuff kind of deado, not the holo kind! Will Cat make the ultimate sacrifice and kill himself for a fuck? Meanwhile, Kochanski discovers Kryten’s secret, so he blinds her.

[Rubber]

Manured

Kryten does his roses.

[Rubber]

Manoored

Kryten crash lands on an ice planet and does his roses.

[bloodteller]

BACK TO ERGHHHH- the dwarfers travel back to modern-day Earth but are so disgusted by 21st century society that they all simultaneously vomit in the street. but was it an accident?

meanwhile, kochanski wonders why the fuck her brother is called moose

[flanl3]

CAN OF TERMS:

Cat accepted the Terms & Conditions without reading them first because he can’t read little words. Subsequently, he gets decapitated. Hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, can Rimmer eject Adolf Hitler and his own holo-semen out every airlock on Red Dwarf in time to save him from an angry skutter who is currently off on a skiing holiday?

[flanl3]

TOOT YOUR OWN TRUMP:

The boys find the corpse of former United States dictator Donald J. Trump. They piss all over it. Hillarity ensues. Get it? Hillarity? Meanwhile, can Cat suck his own dick without breaking his back?

[Paul Muller]

Macarooned

The crew are forced to evacuate Red Dwarf. Lister and Rimmer are stranded on an icy moon with little hope of rescue. Delirious with hunger, Lister cuts a hole in Rimmer’s prized camphor wood trunk to access the delicious macaroons inside. He devours them all and quickly succumbs to cyanide poisoning.

[Paul Muller]

You know, from the almonds.

[Dave]

AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE

Sequel to Out Of Time.

[flanl3]

AUTOMATIC FOR THE PEOPLE

Sequel to Out Of Time.

I know we haven’t really been stopping this thread to be proud of each other’s ideas, but I’m going to have to stop and be proud of this one.

I’m proud of you.

Great, now back to work.

[flanl3]

BILLYMORPH

Bill Clinton is shapeshifting and on board Red Dwarf. Can they defeat him? Featuring the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Nude Terrifying Organisms and their Nudist ways. The audience is beside themselves with laughter.

[Rubber]

Polymath

Butler. Meanwhile, Legion. Guest starring Nigel Havers as Dashboard.

[cwickham]

BACK TO REALITYOCRACY

Basically the same as Mechocracy, except the election is rigged and both candidates stand on an openly fascist problem. Duane Dibbley shows up for some reason.

[Pete Part Three]

Red Dwarf UZB

Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave Lister (Ulugbeck Khamraev), the last human being alive; Arnold Rimmer (Otabek Mahkamov), a hologram of his dead bunkmate; a creature who evolved from the ship’s cat (Aleksey Chumakov) and a zany robot called Kryten (Robert Llewellyn) who lives to clean.

[Dave]

RED DWARF: INFANT ENTITY WELCOMES CAROL DANVERS

Crossover adventure in which the cosmic starchild from the end of ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ teams up with the current Captain Marvel to rescue Red Dwarf after the crew accidentally discover the Infinity Gauntlet and use it to activate a dormant Monolith.

Guest-appearances from Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence lead reviewers to declare “My God… It’s Full Of Stars!”

[Rubber]

Demons Take Confidence & Give Angels Paranoia

Satan’s swarming hordes attempt to overthrow God’s radiant flock by undermining their self-esteem on internet messageboards. Meanwhile, Rimmer tries a fancy new platinum ‘H’ but magpies keep swooping out of the sky and ripping it off his forehead, exposing his holo-brain.

[bloodteller]

BALANCE OF POWER RANGERS- lister plays jenga using rimmer’s action figure collection

[Dave]

PSI WRENS

Determined to finally answer Ace Rimmer’s enquiry, Rimmer hires a team of female naval officers to calculate what the PSI of Starbug’s engine is.

[Rubber]

Cam of Worms

Camille returns, but she’s in a bad way – riddled with hideous, parasitic, life-draining Gelfworms to be precise. The Dwarfers pledge to help their friend, but are constantly distracted by the fact that they’re seeing the objects of their greatest desires with horrible wriggling worms hanging out of their eye sockets and other horrible wriggling worms poking out of large gaping wounds and sores all over their bodies. Cat in particular finds the experience very harrowing. Ultimately, the cure is beyond the abilities of our boys, so they deliver Camille to Butler’s medical research lab, but Butler smugly refuses to offer a cure as he ‘doesn’t believe in treating prostitutes’. Then Kryten engages him in a breathtaking, fantastically choreographed fist fight which makes up for every shit Red Dwarf episode to date. Meanwhile, worms or no worms, Kochanski is more than a little perturbed by her vision of Camille. Guest starring Stephen Hawking as Stephen Hawking Camille.

[Rubber]

Fathers and Sins

The team investigate cases of widespread and systemic sexual abuse by numerous Roman Catholic priests, with their efforts eventually being dramatised and winning an Oscar. Meanwhile, Holly spends 24 hours in indescribable physical agony for the 6939th day in a row. Why won’t they reboot him? Why?!

[Rubber]

TreeJan

The crew encounter Jan, a Dutchman who thinks he has Dutch Elm Disease. Kryten diagnoses psychosis and recommends a compassionate course of psychiatric sessions, but Asclepius pulls rank and pushes ahead with a radical course of treatment in which they lop off all his limbs. This shocks Jan back to reality, although he finds life more of a challenge with no limbs. Asclepius couldn’t give a fuck, however, as he’s got private patients to see.

[Rubber]

Ball of Power

Lister discovers he can make the lights go on and off by concentrating on his left testicle.

[Dave]

QUEEN

Holly tricks everybody by pretending that the ship has been taken over by a hard-edged computer who looks like Brian May.

[Rubber]

Skimbleshanks for the Memory

Cat is incredibly hurt to learn that his crewmates hate the musical ‘Cats’ because it’s so awful. Guest starring John Partridge as Dream Sequence Rimmer and Elaine Page as Dream Sequence Lister.

[cwickham]

QUEER

Holly tricks everyone by pretending that the ship has been taken over by Ziggy.

[Rubber]

Squeegee

Holly tricks everyone by pretending that the ship has been taken over by a windscreen wiper.

[Dave]

THE SILVER SURVEY

Rimmer insists on cataloguing the ship’s finest cutlery and candelabras as part of a stocktaking exercise. But no-one else can be arsed, so instead they sit around debating which are their favourite episodes of Tales Of The Riverbank: The Next Generation.

[Author]

Replies