Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[bloodteller]

BACK IN THE SEABED- PART 1: a man is found dead in the sea, and the dwarfers travel the entire world looking for the killer, despite having no leads on the case.

BACK IN THE SEABED- PART 2: the dwarfers still haven’t found out who killed the man. their search continues…

BACK IN THE SEABED-PART 3: kryten does an autopsy and it’s discovered the man died of drowning. three episodes, a sky-high budget and a pointless worldwide search was all for nothing. the dwarfers hang their heads in shame

[Rubber]

Battered Dead, Then? Gregg!

Foodie actress and Celebrity MasterChef champion Lisa Faulkner recalls that time she was killed by having her face dunked in a deep fat fryer in the second episode of Spooks. On reflection, Lisa decides she’d quite like to see something similar to happen to Gregg Wallace, that annoying cunt who presents MasterChef with Lisa’s husband, The One Who Isn’t That Annoying Cunt Gregg Wallace.

[Rubber]

Wetter Bedpan; Smug

The now-middle-aged Lister and Cat have a competition to see who pisses the most during the night. In the morning, one of them has produced a greater quantity of overnight piss and holds his fuller bedpan aloft triumphantly. He is very pleased and rubs the loser’s nose in it. Is the ‘it’ in question the winning quantity of piss? Tune in to find out! Meanwhile, Rimmer and Todhunter finally find some common ground when they both attend the same self harm support group.

[Rubber]

Pet a Dead Man’s Leg

During a typically tortuous Red Dwarf simile joke, Lister winks at Kochanski, sending Kryten into a spiral of jealousy and rage which ultimately leads to him bludgeoning his master to death with his massive, massive hands. After the incident he sits in a catatonic state, clutching the stiffening corpse and stroking Lister’s leg with the same massive, massive hands that shook, smashed and squeezed the life out of his battered and broken human body. Meanwhile, stiff-in-residence Rimmer takes up taxidermy – good timing, Arnie!

[Rubber]

Better Lead Than Leg

The Dwarfers have a night in playing Future Space People Cluedo. Cat thinks the murder weapon was Doug’s artificial leg, but Kryten patiently explains that the lead piping would be a slightly more realistic suggestion. Ultimately it turns out that the objective of Future Space People Cluedo is pointless because the murder victim’s hologram can be activated to disclose all the details of their demise. Meanwhile, Kochanski is more than a little irked to find that her ‘Keltic Kristine Kochanski’ Twitter handle is being flooded with messages from KKK members.

[Rubber]

Setter Dead, Then Dig

Rimmer suddenly turns out to have a pet dog which has never been mentioned before. It dies. They dig a little grave for it. It’s sad when dogs die, apparently, so this is a sad episode. :(

[Rubber]

Better Read Than Doug

Rob Grant drops in to let the Dwarfers know that he’s been reading constantly since ditching them back in the 1990s and he’s now definitely read more books than his former writing partner Doug Naylor, which is a Big Achievement and Very Good To Have Done. “Read, or ate?’ says bitchy Kryten with a smirk, and the rest of the crew fall about laughing. Rob is so sad that the characters he co-created have evolved into such shallow, treacherous bastards that he tries to eject himself into deep space but can’t fit through the airlock door.

[Dave]

I just want to see an episode where Todhunter finally catches Tod.

[Rubber]

Kettle, Bed, Pan, Peg

AI chips are implanted in literally every single object on Red Dwarf in an attempt to swing the next mechanoid election. That plot line rapidly fizzles out but a handle of talking props form a girl group and it’s so awful you can’t even begin to imagine it. Guest starring Camille Coduri, Miranda Hart, Debra Stephenson and Lisa Hammond.

[Ben Saunders]

Fuck my arse we’re onto the second page

[Rubber]

If you like.

[Ben Saunders]

Steady.

[Ben Paddon]

MICKOCRACY: Lister discovers singer/songwriter Mick Hucknall is inexplicably stored in stasis down on one of the lower decks. Even more startling is that he seems to hold a higher rank than Rimmer, making him acting captain. But after Hucknall instates some baffling rules onboard ship, including mandatory karaoke nights where the songlist is made up entirely of Simply Red songs, Rimmer decides to take the Astronavigation Exam once again in order to achieve a higher rank and take him down for good.

Fortunately, the exam questions have all been replaced with “Complete these song titles” questions featuring the titles of Simply Red tracks, and Rimmer aces the exam.

David Baddiel guest stars as a disenfranchised computer panel.

[cwickham]

“FUCK!” IN THE THREAD

Surprise is expressed that a G&T forum thread has reached its second page.

[bloodteller]

BEYOND A BLOKE- the crew come across a deserted space station, containing a machine that turns them all into women. G&T prepare for the worst, fearing that the episode will contain horribly offensive gender stereotypes and blatant sexism. however, to everyone’s surprise the episode manages to tackle the topic very tastefully and thoughtfully, and nearly everyone ends up enjoying the episode.

meanwhile, an internet forum contains so many witty and clever puns about Red Dwarf episode titles that the thread gains the legendary Page 2.

[Rubber]

Potter Did That Smeg

When Professor McGonegall finds ‘semeny remnants’ during an inspection of the boys’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower, he other lads point the finger of blame at their bespectacled roommate. Meanwhile, Kryten finds he has the Midas touch when his alchemy experiment goes wrong, making everything he touches turn to gold! As a side effect, Lister finds out who’s been wanking him off every night while he’s asleep.

[Rubber]

Otter-Fed Cat Begs

Rimmer bans Cat from eating any more otters. Cat pleads with the crew to be allowed to continue eating otters. He just loves the taste of those crunchy little otters. Rimmer isn’t having any of it though because he’s a shit.

[Hamish]

I think we now need a fan edit to cut down this thread to a reasonable 10 minutes read.

[Hamish]

Two parters are always a bad idea.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE RED PART FIVE

Doug Naylor realises he can have a recap last 26 minutes and it still counts towards the episode’s runtime.

[flanl3]

SAMSARAWHO:

The boys discover a wrecked ship with anxiety, depression, and a modeling portfolio. The episode is three hours long and audio-only, with the ending twist being that it didn’t really happen.

[Captain Bollocks]

PURED

After Kryten discovers living photographs, Lister goes back in time and steals Churchill’s banana and crisp sandwich. Unfortunately, this changes the course of history and wipes out curry, so Lister arranges for a second visit back to the 1940s where he convinces Churchill to assassinate himself for the good of all mankind. With no available alternative, Neville Chamberlain remains in power, but is controlled by Benito Mussolini who has pictures of him at a transvestite orgy, allowing Hitler to win World War II. Lister must then concoct a second scheme in order to bring about an end to Hitler’s tyranny, but after a guitar duel, discovers that Adolf and Eva are an absolute hoot, provided you don’t talk politics.

[Captain Bollocks]

PEAT PART 1

Kryten lays some new turf in the ship’s botanical garden.

[Captain Bollocks]

PEAT PART 2

A dinosaur does a shit on Hollister.

[Paul Muller]

Back in the Thread: Page 2

The crew return to an old forum thread and discover that it has mutated into a hideous, unstoppable, self-replicating monster.

Meanwhile, disruptions in space-time have led to catastrophic changes across history. In the new timeline, Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government privatised British Rail in 1986, leading to massive industrial action forcing the cancellation of up to 60% of scheduled trains on the West Coast Main Line. BBC Commissioning Editor for Independent Productions Peter Risdale-Scott is forced to abandon his regular rail journey and drive up and down the heavily congested M1 motorway. He is therefore unable to read Grant Naylor’s pilot script for a new sRed Dwarf and never commissions the series.

Consequently, a nondescript, bearded, doughy man in his early thirties is typing at his keyboard in the year 2017, when he suddenly forgets what he’s talking abou

[Rubber]

Prettified Man’s Legs

Cat is sick of waiting around for a woman to turn up for him to make fuck with, so he waits until Lister is asleep, chloroforms him and then uses his vast arsenal of beauty aids and products to make him over into as attractive a woman substitute as possible given the raw material. The end result is passable from the waist up, but a ‘total smegging triumph’ from the waist down, with Cat’s attention to detail re: waxing and bronzing giving Lister a truly exceptional set of pins. The whole crew are completely mesmerised by Lister’s lovely legs, losing concentration every time he passes, unable to tear their gazes away from his smooth, shapely calves. Initially appalled, Lister starts to enjoy the attention, even wearing hot pants and tiny shorts to encourage it. Then Cat tries to have sex with him and the whole thing becomes very fraught and politically sensitive and topical and the episode is expunged from the Dave archive. Meanwhile, Kochanski wonders why nobody remembers she’s still a type of woman.

[bloodteller]

BACK IN THE BREAD- the crew relentlessly drill Lister about why he’s so actively against eating any form of bread product. through tearful eyes, Lister finally confesses that he has a yeast allergy. everyone feels bad about asking in the first place and they all apologize for prying too deep into what was clearly an issue Lister didn’t want to discuss. suddenly, Talkie Toaster pipes up and points out he could just have eaten Warburtons Wholemeal Sliced Medium since it contains no yeast, and everyone calls Lister a wangsty little sod for being an arse to Talkie all these years over an easily resolvable issue.

meanwhile, Rimmer does a big wet shit in Lister’s bunk and has to clean it up before he gets back.

[clem]

SKIPPER

Lister tries to get himself in shape for a boxing match against Darren Day, but it ends up not happening. Meanwhile Kryten can’t find enough glacé cherries for his pineapple upside-down cake.

[Pete Part Three]

It’s A Punderful Life

Lister finds himself trapped on a forum thread on the fan site Ganymede and Titan, forever enlisting on adventures that are based around creakily contrived puns.

Lister makes plans to leave but decides he can’t do it while there’s still one more pun to make.

But, of course, on Ganymede and Titan, there’s always one more pun to make.

[si]

But, of course, on Ganymede and Titan, there’s always one more pun to make.

Punnymede and Titan.

[Ben Saunders]

BANANDRA: The crew encounter a banana at the bottom of an ocean moon which can tell the future with 100% accuracy. It can’t speak, so they leave it to die in the wreckage.

[Rubber]

Mascara

Rimmer learns that one of the nurses in the maternity ward where he was born was dyslexic and accidentally mis-tagged him and that he is, in fact, part of the Rimmel dynasty and heir to a cosmetics fortune (albeit one strand in deep space with no access to it). While Rimmel comes to terms with his new lineage and a revised sense of self and purpose, Kochanski starts hounding him for make-up tips which he is woefully unqualified to give. Guest starring Reece Shearsmith as Coco Chanel.

[bloodteller]

BACK, SACK AND CRACK IN THE RED- lister tries to use hot wax strips to remove all of his body hair, with dire consequences

[bloodteller]

FRACKING THE RED: the dwarfers discover some equipment onboard Red Dwarf that’s actually related to mining for once

[Rubber]

Mens Samsara In Thingummy Doodah

The Dwarfers stumble across a health farm at the bottom of an ocean moon, where they encounter Julie Walters, Anne Reid, Liza Tarbuck, My Hero’s Lill Roughley, British sitcom mainstay Selina Cadell and the hologram of the late Victoria Wood. Everything looks a bit late 80s/early 90s and holo-Vic successfully punctures the perceived assumptions about female attractiveness being dependent on unrealistic body expectations etc using gentle humour and observational comedy. Guest starring Norman Lovett as Leotard Woman.

[Dave]

OUR ROB OR ROSS

The British Comedy Awards (at which Red Dwarf XII is nominated for Best Sitcom) are looking for a host. While they’re tempted to choose Rob Brydon, his exorbitant fee and inherent dislikability are putting them off. But when they realise that the only alternative is ‘safe pair of hands’ Jonathan Ross, they conclude that their choice must be the lesser of two evils.

[Rubber]

Timewaif

Kate Moss washes up from the past and suffocates/freezes in the inhospitable vacuum of space. Meanwhile, B-plot hilarity abounds!

[cwickham]

TIMEGAVE

Lister is given a new watch for his birthday.

[si]

TIM WAVE

Tim Vine pops by, and waves.

[cwickham]

TIMEWAVE PART TWO

Ziggy eats some curry and shits everywhere.

[Hamish]

Officer Rimmer Part Two

*BLAM*

*BLAM*

*SPLAT*

*THUD*

Credits.

[bloodteller]

TIMEKRAVE: the crew find a ship made of crunchy wheat cereal, filled with gooey chocolate paste.

meanwhile, kochanski is found dead in an airlock, flayed to the bone. but was it an accident? kryten seems to think so…

[flanl3]

TWONTICA: TWENTICA II:

While playing pool, one of the balls flies off the table and hits the casket of Chronos, sending the boys back in time to Lister’s GELF wedding, where they all eat curry and shit everywhere.

[bloodteller]

TIMEWAIFU- lister gets really into anime and starts calling makise kurisu his “waifu” along with sleeping with a bodypillow of her every night. things are looking bleak until rimmer slaps some sense into lister, telling him to go meet some real women.

meanwhile, kryten finally takes up gardening but cat keeps taking shits on his chrysanthemums.

[Dave]

BOLLYMORPH

Bollywood remake of the classic series III episode.

[Captain Bollocks]

COLLYMORPH

When an emotion-stealing shapeshifter comes aboard the ship, it assumes the visage of an ex-professional footballer and chases the crew around shouting “Journaliste! Journaliste!” in an unconvincing French accent.

[flanl3]

STALINMORPH:

A polymorph gets mistakenly stuck in the form of our good old pal Joey.

[bloodteller]

OUT OF TIMEWAVE: during a repeat of Timewave, the dwarfers become self-aware and try to escape the nightmarishly shit episode. lister makes the ultimate sacrifice when it’s discovered the only way to end it all is by having a really abrupt cut to credi

[flanl3]

CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA PART TWO:

Lister hallucinates a dinosaur then hallucinates it shitting everywhere.

[Rubber]

Confidence and Paraplegia

Lister is sure he can bungee down all three miles of the lift shaft without serious injury. He can’t.

[Author]

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