Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

CAPTAIN BUTLER

When Kryten’s series-3000 nemesis turns up and decides to take control of Red Dwarf, everyone is pretty happy as the ship runs a lot better due to Butler’s various areas of expertise and his excellent people-management skills.

Everyone except Kryten, that is, who decides to kill his fellow mechanoid in a jealous fit of pique. The event is never mentioned again, but the shadow of Kryten being a murderer subsequently hangs over the entire series.

[Rubber]

Me Cubed

Lister unexpectedly asks Kryten for a ‘light lunch’, so the quirky mecho dices Rimmer and serves him up in a soup. Guest starring Douglas Naylor and Robert Grant as Mel and Sue.

[cwickham]

CHRONOLOOP: TIMEWAVE II

Nobody knows what this episode is about, as no self-respecting Red Dwarf fan can bring themselves to watch it.

[Dave]

WETTER THAN LIFE

Lister, Rimmer and the Cat start playing an ultra-realistic videogame that simulates the player’s own real-world existence precisely, but with slightly higher levels of precipitation.

[Rubber]

Polymiff

Classic ‘woman’ character Kochanski gets really into Miffy merchandise until the adorable little Dutch bunny comes to life and starts feasting on the emotions of her crewmates, and then their tender flesh.

[Rubber]

Slomohawk

The Dwarfers unwittingly create a YouTube sensation after Lister films the Emohawk stre-e-e-tching and opening and closing its adorable wickle eyesies after the liquid dillinium starts to wear off. Its slooooooooow movements and disoriented expressions give it the appearance of a delightful newborn. Consequently thousands of infatuated kids ask for one for Christmas and wake up on Boxing Day with their personalities drained. Meanwhile, Todhunter writes a letter to his abusive father as part of his therapy.

[bloodteller]

GRASSANDRA- the dwarfers meet a computer who helps them do some gardening. rimmer plants geraniums

meanwhile, lister is killed and eaten by captain hollister after the latter mistook him for an olive on a cocktail stick

[bloodteller]

OUT OF TIME- the dwarfers meet denzel washington and he talks about one of his lesser-known movies

[flanl3]

OUT OF TIME:

They all die. Hilarity ensues.

Wait, wrong order.

Hitlerity ensues. They.all die.

[Dave]

OUT OF TIME

Documentary about why Officer Rimmer had such a sudden

[si]

OUT OF TIME

Time Magazine calls Lister to say that he is PROBABLY going to be named Man of the Year, but he has to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. He says probably is no good and takes a pass.

[Ben Paddon]

OUT OF THYME

Kryten was going to make a lovely dinner of seasoned chicken, but when he gets to the kitchen he discovers to his etc etc

[cwickham]

OUT OF GRIME

Kryten discovers the ship is now spotlessly clean and his work is done. He decides to remedy this by having a dinosaur shit everywhere.

[Dave]

OUT OF “OUT OF TIME” TIME

Posters on the Ganymede & Titan forum realise they have run out of every conceivable joke to make involving Out Of Time.

[Paul Muller]

OUT OF PRIME

The crew battle to cancel their free Amazon Prime membership trial before the monthly fees kick in.

[Rubber]

Ow! Tough Time

Rimmer starts a fight club called ‘Tough Time’ and the crewmen strip to the waist and use physical violence against each other as a way of relieving their frustrations at being trapped in the same metal tomb together without much in the way of a fuck for the past three decades.

[Rubber]

Owt of Time?

Time goes missing and the crew look for it. ‘Have you seen anything of the time?’ asks a Yorkshire pudding dispenser during their search.

[Dave]

OH, TOFF TIME

Jacob Rees-Mogg becomes leader of the Conservative Party.

[flanl3]

BALANCE OF POWDER:

After the Dwarfers get back from Samsara, they decide that they should bury the ashes. The trouble is, the two urns they select have been linked by some quantumy quarky space shit (this is verified by the on-board computer) and if they have unequal masses of ash, both will explode. The boys must meticulously measure exactly the same amount of ash to avoid death. Will they be able to do it? The episode ends on a massively hilarious gag where Kryten mistakes the ashes in the urns for dust and sweeps up the urns and throws them into space because he’s stupid now too.

[flanl3]

666:

I should have made this joke in the last post, but this’ll do.

The Dwarfers return to that dimension where Rimmer was about to be sacrificed once they realize that the 666th idea for an episode had just been posted and sacrificd Rimmer.

[cwickham]

OUT OF BRINE

The Dwarfers run out of brine.

[flanl3]

BETTER LEAD THAN SHAG:

Lister remarks that he’d rather drink contaminated water than screw Rimmer. Rimmer disbelieves him. Meanwhile, Krissie and Krytie put their differences aside to form the Kochanski & Kryten Kollective, and the KKK go and lynch the Cat and Lister. Rimmer is sad because he wanted to have sex with Cat and Lister.

[cwickham]

OUT OF STINE

The Dwarfers are distressed to realise they have never met the man who wrote hundreds of shitty children’s horror books.

[Dave]

GRANARCHY

The crew find Red Dwarf! It turns out that all along it had just been shrunk down to microscopic size by Kryten’s nan, who is called Granma Kryten and is also played by Robert Llewellyn.

Meanwhile, Norman Lovett turns up and everyone in the audience cheers because they see the face of a man they last remember seeing quite a few years ago. That will definitely never happen in the show again, will it? No.

[cwickham]

OUT OF KLEIN

Lister discovers his real mother is a relatively obscure Doctor Who companion from the show’s expanded universe.

[Rubber]

Oat of Time

Lister makes Kryten search through half a cubic kilometre of oats in the cargo hold to find the one oat with amazing time travel properties.

[Rubber]

Art of Time

Salvador Dali visits the Dwarfers but leaves his pocket watch on the edge of the hot console.

[bloodteller]

OUT OF CRIME- lister commits homicide, murder, assault, manslaughter,robbery, negligence, endangerment, kidnapping, arson and jaywalking. upon completing these tasks, lister realizes he can’t really do much worse than this. in one last act of law-breaking, he blows up Red Dwarf and everything on it, including himself.

meanwhile, warwick davis is found in the waste disposal unit, inexplicably covered in crimson paint.

[bloodteller]

BRANNARCHY- Brannagan, the ship’s psychiatrist, goes into a fit of jealous rage after being replaced by Lucas McLaren. He holds a gun to McLaren’s head until his position as psychiatrist is reinstated.

Meanwhile, Todhunter wonders why nobody has seen him for about 3 decades.

[bloodteller]

BRANARCHY- rimmer replaces the entire ship’s stock of cereal with All Bran. lister pulls out rimmer’s spinal column when he realizes the Sugar Puffs are gone.but was it an accident?

meanwhile, the cat declares the fourth child and second son of Eddard and Catelyn Stark to be his favourite Game of Thrones character.

[flanl3]

FLAT STANARCHY:

The Dwarfers discover that a man named Stanley has been living on board Red Dwarf this whole time. One night, Lister drops a bulletin board or something on him to make him flat, but was it an accident? Flat Stanley gets real mad and takes over the ship, but since he’s only two-dimensional, he can do literally nothing, so the boys let him think he is in charge. Meanwhile, something about eating fruot in the snow.

[flanl3]

OUT OF DIMES:

Kryten no more ten-cent coins, so he kills the rest of the crew and steals theirs. Meanwhile, Hollister gets annoyed when Rimmer eats all the donuts then learns an important lesson about holograms when they come out as regular donuts, in a neat little stack, but nobody wants to eat them, to Hollister’s surprise, since they are all dead, so he eats them all and shits everywhere.

[Dave]

THYME WEEV

Searching for new ways to disguise the Space Weevil that he has been serving to Mr Lister for several days now, Kryten decides to flavour one with an aromatic perennial evergreen herb with culinary, medicinal, and ornamental uses.

[Dave]

GRIME WAVE

Lister gives up listening to Rastabilly Skank when he discovers the musical works of Stormzy and J Hus.

[Dave]

OUT OF GRIME

Lister runs out of Stormzy and J Hus records to listen to.

[Dave]

GRIMESLIDES

Lister uses photos of Stormzy and J Hus to travel back in time and tell them how much he enjoyed their work, and to ask if there is any more of it.

[Dave]

GRIMENSION JUMP

Lister travels to parallel universes to see whether Stormzy and J Hus made any other records there.

[Dave]

THANKS FOR THE GRIMERY

Lister pens a fan-letter to Stormzy and J Hus.

[Dave]

BACK TO RASTABILLY

Lister gets bored of Stormzy and J Hus records and goes back to listening to Rastabilly Skank.

[Rubber]

Out of Tomb

Rimmer takes Todhunter to visit the Rimmer family mausoleum on Io. When they arrive there they go into it and when they leave they go out of it. After spending months wrestling with his personal demons, vulnerable Todhunter can’t work out why Rimmer is being so nice to him. Is this a date? Todhunter is surprised to find he secretly hopes it is.

[Rubber]

Toaster of London

Surreal sitcom pilot in which Talkie Toaster stars as an impatient, inconsistently employed ham actor and voice-over artist living in Todhunter’s spare bedroom in Soho.

[Ridley]

IT’LL BE ALL KRYTS ON THE NIGHT: The blue screen of Death uploads Kryten to Silicon Heaven and the mech watches all of his most embarrassing moments.

[Dave]

NODDYSWAP

When Noddy Holder suddenly finds himself wearing a blue hat with a bell on it and driving a red-and-yellow car through toytown, he realises that something has gone awry.

[Ben Paddon]

ME TOO

Lister, in dire need of alone time, decides to wander off and do his own thing. But whenever he says where he’s going, Kryten chimes in with a “Me too!” and joins him. Meanwhile, Rimmer swears at a rabbit jelly mould for seven minutes.

[clem]

STICKER TOO WIDE

Kryten reviews an Androids DVD.

[clem]

QUEGG

It’s Queeg but he’s got an egg-shaped head like that other Holly did in BITR3 for some reason. Meanwhile Lister can’t wait to tell Cat when he finds Junior Angler in the loft!

[cwickham]

BOUT OF TIME

The Dwarfers hold a death match between Abraham Lincoln and Mother Theresa by using the time drive.

[cwickham]

GOUT OF TIME

Lister is diagnosed with sentient gout which can tell the time.

[cwickham]

POUT OF TIME

Rimmer pouts, an expression which is so frightening it destroys time.

[cwickham]

TOUT OF TIME

Lister buys some tickets from a tout. Meanwhile, Rimmer questions what relevance ‘of time’ has to this episode.

[Author]

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