Norm’s post-Dwarf tell-all

[JamesTC]

He will put it on his CV.

[littlesmegger]

> I don?t know what Norm?s problem is. He was in Back To Earth!

Don’t let him know about that, he’ll add it to the Movie payments he’s apparently owed!

[Phil]

Maybe it’s wrong of me to say this, but I would definitely buy his memoirs at this point.

[Tyrell Corporation]

Yes, but you’re a cunt Phil.

[Ben Paddon]

You’re a jerk, Phillip Reed. A total kneebiter.

[Ben Paddon]

I can’t wait for this book to come out, y’know. I imagine a passive-aggressive rage seething from the spine of the book like a black oil. Books placed beside it on the shelf will rot and corrode, the pages becoming charred and damaged, the characters in the book becoming miserly and embittered about elements of the plot that they have no control over.

[Carlito]

That could be a Stephen King novel. The Book of Bitterness.

[Carlito]

Or at the very least, a plot from an episode of Charmed…

[Phil]

How long does it take to write this shit?

[Arlene Rimmer BSc SSc]

Hey now. Norm can write his spiteful, petulant book-length tantrum quickly, or he can do it well; but he can’t do both. Have you no appreciation of craft?

[Ridley]

“How long does it take to write this shit?” – Philip J. Reed, Three-time NaNoWriMo Winner

[Jo]

I am amusing myself this evening by re-reading old threads such as this one :o)

[hummingbird]

So, has he published that book yet?

[Pete Part Three]

Yes, he’s currently travelling round the country and pushing it, unsolicited, through peoples’ letterboxes.

[Jimboid]

Are we still talking about the book?

[Phil]

:-O

[Alex]

But, as Norman points out in this fascinating inside look at the world of comedy, not everyone in the industry is as pleasant as their image would suggest. He is ready to spill the beans about those comedians and actors who he has found to be arrogant and rude.

Needless to say, Norm had the last laugh.

[A Bailey]

Red Dwarf is only mentioned three times, I’m disappointed.

[Phil]

Not counting the unsubtle reference in the title itself.

I’m genuinely looking forward to reading this.

[Phil]

Additional: More info and cover here…
http://www.apexpublishing.co.uk/pubdetails.aspx?Num=266

As well as a few unique links from their main listings page:
http://www.apexpublishing.co.uk/publicationlist.aspx?list=all

…including one to a book extract, which leads to a placeholder pdf right now but could be replaced by something much more interesting soon.

[pfm]

Could he look more miserable on the cover!

Maybe he should titled it ‘Bitter and Bald – The Norman Lovett Chronicles…Plus, Red Dwarf’

[Pete Part Three]

“But, as Norman points out in this fascinating inside look at the world of comedy, not everyone in the industry is as pleasant as their image would suggest. He is ready to spill the beans about those comedians and actors who he has found to be arrogant and rude.”

People in glass houses…

I hope G+T get the serialization rights.

[si]

Wonder if he’ll be spilling the beans about those actors he has found to be legit?

[Alex]

He is ready to spill the beans about those comedians and actors who he has found to be arrogant and rude.

[Phil]

Needles to say…Craig took drugs.

[anniescribe]

WHAT?! Comedians aren’t pleasant and friendly in real life?

STOP THE PRESSES. THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION.

Maybe England has a different breed of comedian (??), but here in the U.S., I’ve really yet to see one that *isn’t* somewhat of a jerk and rude. (Come to think of it, I don’t know too many human beings who can’t be rude.) It’s just a matter of degree.

[Ben Paddon]

From Amazon’s “About the Author”:

Norman Lovett was born in Windsor just after the end of World War II but moved to Essex as a small child. He was bullied at school[…]

Yes, I fucking bet he was.

[Jo]

Publication Date: 22 September 2012

Not that he’s hoping to take advantage of the new series in any way…

[locusceruleus]

Norm’s lack of self awareness is astounding.

The man who took to Myspace to publicly berate his former co-stars because he didn’t find their Breakfast TV appearance funny enough – a man who replies to Tweets of videos that were neither about him or sent directly to him with the comment that he’d ‘rather drink a load of ink’ than watch them – is going to tell you which comedians he finds ‘arrogant and rude’…?

Also – G&T Interview, 2003, on the possibility of an autobiography:

“I think if I was offered the chance I would love to”

MySpace, 2009:

“I have been asked to write an autobiography on many occasions”

[Tarka Dal]

So Norm v Iain Lee. Which side are you on?

[JamesTC]

Whoever wins… We lose.

[Jonsmad]

Extract from Talking head…

“…and number 2479 concludes my list of comedians and people in the media that I dont like. Conversely I do find the broadcaster Iain Lee a wonderful man, I particularly like his efforts of seeking out people online who indirectly reference him as a cunt, and then putting them right about how wrong their opinions are, particularly when he does that to Red Dwarf fans.”

[Jason aka Smeg4Brains]

> who indirectly reference him as a cunt

Indirectly? Didn’t we have a forum post called “Iain Lee is a Cunt”?

I’m not saying he isn’t one, but how much more direct can you be?

[Pete Part Three]

>Whoever wins… We lose.

Whoever wins…they’re losers.

[Jonathan Capps]

> Indirectly? Didn’t we have a forum post called “Iain Lee is a Cunt”?

Yeah, pretty much.

I’m really looking forward to this book, actually. I do wonder how vitriolic he’s going to be. Despite the recent and public disagreements with GNP, his DVD interviews weren’t that bad and I get the impression he still likes and respects his former co-stars.

[Pete Part Three]

Yeah, I’ll probably buy it. I expect it’ll be in the same vein as I, Partridge but slightly more delusional and fictitious.

[si]

Being the RD completist that I am, I imagine I’ll get it. I just really don’t want to have to pay for it. :/

[ori-STUDFARM]

I won’t. I’ll just wait to see whats actually in it on this thread. But that’s because I’m a cheap bastard!

[Phil]

Can we expect a G+T review?

[JamesTC]

>Can we expect a G+T review?

I’m sure Norm will review G&T in one of the later chapters.

[Jonathan Capps]

> Can we expect a G+T review?

For sure.

[Mr-Stabby]

I’m still waiting for…

NORMAN LOVETT – THE ULTIMATE DISASTER MOVIE!

STARRING BRUCE WILLIS AS NORM, A MAN BROUGHT TO THE EDGE OF INSANITY BY HIS DETERMINATION TO GET HIS BALL BACK! ALSO STARRING ANGELINA JOLIE AS DONA DISTEFANO, THE POCKET DYNAMITE SECRET AGENT WITH A HEART OF GOLD POSING AS AN ASSISTANT FLOOR MANAGER!

COMING TO THEATERS 2012!

Hell i’d go see it!

[Carlito]

He’s fairly complimentary with his view of Dwarf on his newly revamped website http://www.normanlovett.co.uk/reddwarf.htm

Even series VIII….

[Pete Part Three]

The bulk of that was written long before BTE.

[Arlene Rimmer BSc SSc]

>NORMAN LOVETT – THE ULTIMATE DISASTER MOVIE!

This summer…he will get his ball back. Or die trying.

[Phil]

Cancelled?

Specific release page no longer works:
http://www.apexpublishing.co.uk/pubdetails.aspx?Num=266

And it’s no longer listed among past and future releases (it previously was):
http://www.apexpublishing.co.uk/publicationlist.aspx?list=all

Wha happen!?

[ori-STUDFARM]

He wanted to turn in a book half the length of the one he was contracted to do. they were okay with this, but wanted to reduce the payment of the book appropriately….Norm wasn’t having any of this. Besides, why does Stephen King earn more than he does. It’s not fair…

[si]

I’m not saying owt. He’s already blocked me on Twitter.

[JamesTC]

>He’s already blocked me on Twitter.

Was that when you complained about him moaning on the Series VIII commentary?

[Ben Paddon]

Nah, it’s from when Si took his ball.

(That’ll never get old.)

[Ben Paddon]

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NORMAN LOVETT AND ADOLF HITLER?

HITLER STILL HAS ONE BALL.

[Ridley]

Hitler got his book published?

[JamesTC]

Hitler was in Series III and IV?

[si]

> Was that when you complained about him moaning on the Series VIII commentary?

Yup. I wouldn’t mind if I’d @mentioned him, but his daughter just found me talking about him, told me off, and since then, on the odd occasion I’ve looked, I can’t see Norm’s tweets.
Hence I never actually say “Norman Lovett” on Twitter. I usually just mention ‘Norm’ when necessary.

[Phil]

He searches for that, too.

[JamesTC]

Oh, it seems I’m blocked by him too. I have the “Loading Tweets seems to be taking a while.” on Chrome when logged in but when I use IE when I’m not logged in I can see his tweets.

[Ben Paddon]

Sorry, you can’t follow this user (because they’re blocking you).

My guess? Norm searched for us all individually on Twitter just so he could block us.

[redhead85]

> My guess? Norm searched for us all individually on Twitter just so he could block us.

N’aww. Sweet.

[Ben Paddon]

Truly, he cares a lot.

[ori-STUDFARM]

Bastard! Now I have Faith No More buzzing around my brain!

[Alex]

Oddly I’m not blocked by him. What is the world coming to when Ian makes up with Iian Lee and me and Norm seem to be on ok terms?

[si]

It’s because of the Jubilee, I imagine.

[Pete Part Three]

You’re not missing much, guys.

[Phil]

Possibly just delayed.

Thanks Philip. Hopefully we will get to publish this title sometime next year.
Best regards
Chris Cowlin
Production & Publishing Manager
Apex Publishing Ltd

[pfm]

Norman Lovett’s Bald.

[Cloud Strife]

I tweeted norm asking him when “his book of all the people he hates” was out. But he blocked me haha.

[Alex]

I’d imagine he’s more concerned with finiding somehwere to live at the moment to be honest, what with having set fire to his flat and all.

[Ben Paddon]

Wait, what?

Edit: Oh! Well then!

[HelloMabel]

What does “all processions ruined” mean?

[si]

I saw that he’d blocked Robert Llewellyn as well.

But yes, sorry to hear about his fridge and everything.

[ori-STUDFARM]

The same fridge that was a gift from Tony Hawk!He Tweeted that it looked a little ‘battered’

[si]

You’d think any Red Dwarf cast members would get at least a discount on Smeg fridges.

[ori-STUDFARM]

They can…But Norm refused his discount and paid full price after discovering his discount was less than the other cast members.

[Ben Paddon]

I think he set his own fridge on fire, personally.

[ori-STUDFARM]

When the packet says “Cook from frozen”, that isn’t quite what it means….

[pfm]

I heard he gives good head.

[mick]

Took some trawling through my old photobucket account to find this gem:

[Mr-Stabby]

For the first time in a long time i decided to listen to the commentaries on the Series 8 DVDs. I can’t believe i’ve never noticed how negative Norm is being in these commentaries. The thing is, a lot of the time he actually has a point with what he’s saying. Mainly with the whole ‘this used to be a sitcom, now it’s panto’ type stuff. Even sighing the occasional ‘Oh my god…’ at points in the shows when i was doing the exact same thing for it being stupid or crap in some way.

But he’s just being pointlessly antagonistic towards the rest of the cast at various points. They occasionally bite back at him. I love it when Chris does his impression of Norm, then when Norm says his career as an impressionist is over, Chris says ‘Well maybe you should be more famous Norm then i’d be back in business’. Classic :D

[JamesTC]

I wonder if Norm will be in the new series.

[HelloMabel]

> I wonder if Norm will be in the new series.

Yes. That memorable guest appearance everyone’s talking about?

George Wendt.

[Jo]

Blimey, the publishing company REALLY likes quiz books!
http://www.apexpublishing.co.uk/latestnews.aspx

[HelloMabel]

1. Norman Lovett’s favorite hobby is:
A. Moaning
B. Moaning about Red Dwarf
C. Moaning about his ball being taken away

[Ridley]

I can’t believe i’ve never noticed how negative Norm is being in these commentaries.

I believe it was Mr. Paddon who pointed out his disappointment – not in these words, mind – that the crotchety old man schtick doesn’t appear to be an act.

[mick]

I realised after seeing him have a mental rant at a barman in Peterborough, that he was in fact a massive cunt.

[Ben Paddon]

He’s like Larry David, but without all that natural charm.

[Mr-Stabby]

I realised after seeing him have a mental rant at a barman in Peterborough, that he was in fact a massive cunt.

What about???

Barman: Here’s your drink Mr Lovett
Norm: Where’s my umbrella?! Give me my umbrella! If i don’t get my umbrella, you won’t get another line out of me!
Barman: You’ve had one too many lines already!

[Phil]

Norm walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” Norm spends 10 years slagging off the bartender personally, the bar itself, the town in which the bar is located, and everyone who’s ever enjoyed themselves at the bar, then moans about not be invited to the anniversary of its opening.

[Pete Part Three]

Excellent.

[Ben Paddon]

I nominate etc.

[Phil]

Hi, no its not going ahead.

best regards

Chris Cowlin
Production & Publishing Manager
Apex Publishing Ltd

[Ridley]

She said “I’ll take the tell-all.” And she took the tell-all and hid… And locked it away in a cupboard.

[Sam Johnson]

Clearly we’re not going to get another line out of Norm…

[peas_and_corn]

I guess they’re not interested in the audience Norman has.

[Ian Symes]

I had a good long chat with Norman tonight. He’s very much aware of this thread, and both its general and specific content. We each conceded that regrettable things had been said on both sides, and that (especially around Back To Earth) there was bad blood between Norman and Red Dwarf fans, and that this was a sad state of affairs. Norman and I shook hands, and we both expressed a desire to draw a line under things.

He also mentioned that he’d taken a break from writing his autobiography, but is back on it now. And incidentally – he likes Series X!

[Phil]

If it’s any consolation, there was no period during which I didn’t want to read this book.

[Jonsmad]

You had a photograph taken shaking Iain Lee’s hand. Now you are expressing desires to move on from anti-Norman sentiments on G & T.

God fucking dam it Symes!!! Stop being so fucking mature. We are running out of obvious formulaic but of the joke shared gag references around here man!

* sigh* ok ok. I’m onboard. Well done to you. And Well done to Norm. Bright new future.

But if you ever, AND I MEAN EVER, have a nice little chat and photograph opportunity with Chloe’s vaginal entry, and agree that the future direction is that we all no longer discuss it’s frothable capabilities. Then I’m fucking out of here.

[Danny Stephenson]

Thanks to Jonsmad, i’ve just discovered what might well be the most interesting word to say out loud in the English Language next to ‘egg’, ‘sponge’ and ‘pebble’: Frothable. Thanks for that.

[Ridley]

Stop being so fucking mature.

More like self-preservation while he continues to encroach on their professions. :p

[Ian Symes]

For the record, I’m not asking anyone to change their opinions on Norman, or to feel restricted into what they can or can’t post here. I explained to Norman the difference between G&T’s editorial comment and what the community says on the forum, and that we would never censor or moderate anyone’s opinions.

All I’m saying is that I, personally, don’t want to be involved in any sort of feud, which you may remember I also said in one of our Series X Instant Reaction Dwarfcasts – around six months before I’d even considered doing standup, let alone found out that I’d be on the same bill as him! I think Norm has acted like a tit at times in the recent past, but I’m willing to forgive and forget. Same deal with Iain Lee – between us, we called an end to the aggression online about a year before that reconciliation photo was posted.

[Pete Part Three]

I think he needs to do an interview about this (and G+T is the obvious place for it). I agree with a lot of his criticisms of recent Red Dwarf but don’t think he, as a former cast member, has acted very professionally in being so vocal about them.

He *may* have been badly treated but I think he’s been very misguided in expecting fans to side with him over Grant Naylor, and I hope he realises that now. If Series VIII told us anything, it’s that RD fans are a forgiving bunch (Well, some of them. Well, one of them. Maybe) so if he put the record straight, it would probably do him a favour. The alternative is waiting for his autobiography, but I don’t know how many fans would buy that with the way things are currently.

[Author]

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