Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

CASS-LAN-DRA

A computer that predicts the future tells Lister that he is destined to get more lanyards than Rimmer, but only if Kochanski ends up sleeping with Kryten. But it turns out it was all a lie. Cat figured it out.

[Ben Paddon]

OOPS, ALL BARRIES

Chris Barrie plays all the roles in this episode, including guest cast. Story TBD.

[clem]

TIKKA TO ID XTENDED

Lister says he once drank a lanyard of curry sauce. Rimmer asks him what that even means but it turns out they were in an unreality bubble. Meanwhile Kryten mines some bitcoin. Cat isn’t in this one because he’s too busy wanking. The real reason is Doug didn’t feel like putting him in the episode.

[Dollar Pound]

LANYARDS

the crew meet a gestalt entity called grant lanyard. they come to the realisation that he is feeding off their lanyards so they jettison them into a timehole leading to a universe where time runs lanyards, so they will be happy there. grant lanyard takes off his mask and his face contorts from a combination of rob grant and lanyards and just rob grant. and then oh no i can’t be bothered cat gives birth to an elk

[Moonlight]

PETE PART 2 XTENDED

Hollister says “See you in ten minutes” for ten minutes, and then he sees them. The audience laughs and applauds for so long that Chris Barrie gets bored and goes home, forcing Craig Charles to fill out the remainder of the episode with his standup act.

[bloodteller]

KILN CRAZY- kill crazy brings round his cousin, kiln crazy. he loves kilns a lot. luckily the canaries have found a kiln at the bottom of an ocean moon so kiln crazy climbs inside it and dies.

[bloodteller]

KILROY CRAZY- kill crazy starts watching kilroy and gets really into it. unfortunately kilroy says something racist and so kill crazy is put off the show forever.

meanwhile, TodHunter meets his brother KillRoy. they go down to the pub and have a couple jars

[bloodteller]

KILLCRAZY CRAZY-a forum user becomes obsessed with episode ideas relating to a short-lived side character from th eighth season of Red Dwarf.

[Dave]

KILIK CRAZY

The crew have a Soul Calibur tournament. Everyone favours the character with the long staff.

[clem]

LOVEJOY CRAZY

Kill Crazy starts watching Lovejoy and gets really into it, because when I read bloodteller’s Kilroy one I thought Kilroy was Lovejoy. I do know who Kilroy is, I just got them muddled up. Anyway, Kill Crazy watches Lovejoy and then goes around driving everybody crazy by humming the rather catchy Lovejoy theme. Meanwhile Rimmer has to decide whether to share or to shaft.

[bloodteller]

BILL CRAZY- norweb finally catch up to lister and he is drowned in debt

[bloodteller]

QUILL CRAZY- the boys from the dwarf find shakespeare at the bottom of an ocean moon. he has gone mad and stuck a quill up his bum so they just leave him there

[flanl3]

STILL CRAZY

The psychiatrist verifies that Kill Crazy is still crazy

[flanl3]

STILL CRAZY!

Kill Crazy becomes obsessed with pausing video and paintings of fruit.

[flanl3]

STILL CRAZY?

Cat wonders whether Kill Crazy is frozen in time like the rest of everyone

[cwickham]

STILL CRAZY,

A thought as to whether or not someone is crazy is left unfinished.

[Dave]

KRILL STACY

The crew of Red Dwarf meet a small crustacean with an unlikely name.

[Dollar Pound]

D N NAME

kryten unveils his new machine he’s been working on called the d n name machine which stands for dave’s new name machine. the machine is an odd confection of tupperware lids, lanyards and crocodile clips which he drapes over dave. dave decides to call himself billy but when kryten says the machine is ready to hear his new name he just suddenly says bellend in a confident and relaxed tone of voice. kryten explains that the machine can only be used once and the change is permanent. bellend tries to throw the tupperware lids and lanyards across the room in a petulent rage but can’t disentangle himself. rimmer gives birth to an elk.

[flanl3]

but was it an accident

[Dave]

FLATULENCE AND PARANOIA

Lister does a quiet trump and then worries that everyone else can smell it but are too polite to say anything.

[flanl3]

WARDEN NOT:

The crew pass through an unreality bubble where they forget that Knot ever existed.

[bloodteller]

FILM CRAZY- An hour-long special detailing Doug’s efforts to get the Red Dwarf Movie made, interspersed with clips from the cast readthroughs and storyboards.

meanwhile, rimmer becomes obsessed with draping clingfilm over absolutely bloody fucking everything, eventually leading to his own demise

[Dave]

PALANCE OF BOWER

Using mutated film-development fluid, the crew of Red Dwarf somehow manage to resurrect Hollywood actor Jack Palance. Unfortunately he is trapped in a timeloop and believes he is perpetually taking a curtain call, leading him to be able to do nothing but bow. The Boys From The Dwarf begin to wonder whether the entire situation has been contrived for the purposes of an extremely weak pun.

[cwickham]

WAR DEN NOT:

The Dwarfers build a small room designed to be used for war, but discover it does not exist.

[bloodteller]

THE BEG-IAN-ING- look out earth, syme’s coming home.

[bloodteller]

TIDEWAVE- lister gets into the current trend of eating Tide Pods.

meanwhile, rimmer gets swept into the sea due to high tides and heavy waves. but was it an accident?

[Dollar Pound]

LOVEJOY AND KILLROY

lister contracts a space virus and two physical halucinations appear channeling different aspects of his psyche. lovejoy represents the part of lister that has dimples, a mullet and a leather jacket, with killroy representing obviously his racist daytime tv host side. lovejoy secretly kills killroy and takes lister antiqueing but in the end lovejoy’s head explodes because he is too much

[Dollar Pound]

HE CUBED

kryten trips on a lanyard and falls into the waste compacter

[Dave]

CONFIT DENSE AND PEAR ANNOY ‘ER

Kochanski is visibly distressed when, after asking Kryten to prepare a Duck Confit, she bites into it and finds it is nowhere near as light and delicate as she expected. Putting the plate to one side, she instead decides to eat a pear, only to find that it is rotten.

[bloodteller]

STASIS LANYARD- the crew find a stasis lanyard, which is like a lanyard that do time travel and all that. they use it to go back in time to before the accident but while theyre there they accidentally trip over red dwarf’s lanyard supplier bloke and he does his back in. as a consequence there are no lanyards to have in the future for them to travel back into the past to destroy the future of their past lanyards in the present.

meanwhile kryten does a shit in a lanyard

[Dave]

BACK TO LANYARDITY

The crew of Red Dwarf are killed. They subsequently wake up and realise that their life on Red Dwarf was just a total-immersion videogame, and they are all in reality very different characters. Cat is a geeky lanyard enthusiast; Kryten a policeman who specialises in counterfeit lanyards; Rimmer a hapless bum whose addiction to lanyards has left him destitute; and Lister is the Lanyard Colonel, who works at the Ministry of Alteration, purifying society by converting broken lanyards into functional lanyards that can once again hang around a person’s neck for the purposes of displaying status-related information.

[flanl3]

LANYARD PART TWO

A lanyard eats a curry and shits everywhere. Meanwhile, a polymorphs fucks Cat, but was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

MILL CRAZY- the canaries find a crashed windmill at the bottom of an ocean moon and Kill Crazy gets really into it but flies into a unbridled rage when he discovers theres not enough wind at the bottom of the ocean for the mill to get going.

meanwhile rimmer goes fucking mental, but was it an accident?

[Dave]

CONFER DENTS ON PAIR O’ “NOYER”

Rimmer finds a Frenchman in a stasis booth, who immediately upon being resurrected demands to be served two walnuts, which he refers to in his native tongue. However, Rimmer is embarrassed when he finds himself unable to crack the walnuts open, only succeeding in making small indentations on their outer shells.

Once again the crew suspect that the entire situation may have been contrived to make an incredibly tortuous pun that only the pun-maker will find amusing anyway.

[bloodteller]

MILLICONIA- kill crazy suffers from orgasmic pleasure when the canaries find a space station made entirely out discarded windmills. unfortunately he has to get through a shit fight scene with mops before it shows up

[clem]

DILL CRAZY

Kryten becomes obsessed with dill and starts cooking all of Lister’s meals with it. Lister asks what’s with all the dill, but Kryten just says it’s good for him and anyway, they’ve run out of all the other herbs. Lister knows he’s lying and they fall out. Meanwhile Cat and Rimmer recreate the “two amazing things” yo-yo bit from Waiting for God, but with a lanyard instead of a yo-yo, while details of the Red Dwarf Shop’s BOGOF lanyard sale scroll along the bottom of the screen. Eventually Lister and Kryten make up. They hug and Lister affectionately calls Kryten “Ya big dildo!” Meanwhile Lovejoy is wanking.

[clem]

I forgot to say that before they hug, Lister and Kryten agree never to mention dill again, so when Lister says DILLdo it’s like “Souper” only better because he says dildo. The audience applaud all the way through the end credits.

[Dave]

COMFY DENCH AND PANORAMA

Dame Judi Dench sits down on her favourite sofa to catch up with the BBC’s flagship investigative journalism programme on iplayer.

[flanl3]

CRICHTON

Kryten sells millions of books despite everyone being dead, but was it an accident?

[Dave]

BACK TO REAL-H.P.

When the despair squid suddenly finds himself running low on ink despite having just installed a new cartridge, he decides to switch back to genuine Hewlett Packard cartridges rather than the cheap knock-offs that he bought from some guy in Singapore.

[Moonlight]

KRYTIE QVC

Rimmer stays up all night ordering necklaces on the telephone.

[bloodteller]

KRYTIE VT- exactly the same as krytie tv but only the pre-recorded scenes

[bloodteller]

BACK TO VEALITY- its Back To Reality but the effects are all replaced with shit Chris Veale CGI except starbug crashing, which bizarrely uses the model shot from the original. oh and theres a load of gas nebulas comped in fucking everywhere

[cwickham]

KRYTIE PVC

Exactly the same, but all the sound is played on a vinyl record.

[cwickham]

KRYTIE TVC

Exactly the same, but filmed on location at BBC Television Centre.

[cwickham]

KRYTIE PLC

Exactly the same, but with all parts played by the students of Pymble Ladies’ College.

[cwickham]

KRYTIE PLP

Exactly the same, but with all parts played by Labour MPs. Featuring Jared O’Mara.

[cwickham]

KRYTIE PLO

Exactly the same, but with all parts played by Mahmoud Abbas.

[cwickham]

KRYTIE RRP

Kryten learns that he was purchased for under the recommended retail price and feels betrayed.

[bloodteller]

KRYTIE RP- kryten elects to play the red dwarf roleplaying game but finds a really racist bit about iguanas so he flips the table over in disgust and goes off to have a bit of a wank instead

[Author]

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