Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[flanl3]

RED:

Lister really feels the passion flowing now that Rimmer is gone, so Kryten tries to calm his libido by making him go through a simulation

[flanl3]

I DID NOT CLICK THE BUTTON. HE WENT THROUGH A SIMULATION FULL OF RIMMERS TO CALM HIS BONER.

[cwickham]

Green: The Dwarfers all join the Green Party. There’s then an election of some kind because apparently that’s now a running joke I’m doing.

[cwickham]

Yellow: Something to do with piss probably

[Dollar Pound]

I DID NOT CLICK THE BUTTON. HE WENT THROUGH A SIMULATION FULL OF RIMMERS TO CALM HIS BONER.

nice title – what happens in this one?

[Paul Muller]

You guys have been…busy.

Anyway.

‘Hanks for the Memory’

Rimmer and Cat sit down to watch the 1998 romantic comedy ‘You’ve got Mail’. Afterwards, an argument ensues over Tom Hank’s AOL chatroom screen-name.

Cat is convinced it’s ‘NY153’, while Rimmer is certain it’s ‘NY135’. They decide to rewind the VHS tape and check, but it get caught in the spool and is irreparably damaged.

They realise that they have destroyed the only copy of ‘You’ve Got Mail’ in the Universe – but the crew manage to find a functioning time drive on a nearby derelict and travel back to Los Angeles, 1997 where they sneak into the Warner Bros production office, intending to steal a shooting script for the movie.

On the way in they accidentally push Tom Hanks out of a sixth storey window and he falls to his death. The production is cancelled and consequently the crew return to a timeline where ‘You’ve Got Mail’ was never released at all.

Everyone stands around looking confused. Roll credits.

[Dollar Pound]

PINK

lister puts a pink mask on and no one says anything. then johnny vegas puts on a pink hat and everyone totally freaks out

[Dollar Pound]

ORANGE

alternative title to LEMONS come up with by kryten

[Hamish]

APPLES

The Dwarfers briefly travel to 23 AD Britain without any needless trips to India.

[Dave]

CASSANDREX

In what is by far the best episode of series VIII, the crew encounter a computer that is able to predict EXACTLY when each of them will next need toilet roll.

[cwickham]

ONLY THE GOODOCRACY: An election is held amongst the inmates in the Tank to see who should become Big Meat’s prison bitch.

[Dave]

THANKS FOR THE KIPPER

Ace Rimmer is incredibly grateful when someone finally bothers to actually smoke him a kipper, as requested. Keeping up his side of the bargain, he returns promptly in time for breakfast.

[Dave]

CREPIDEME

Lister encounters a sentient pancake who speaks with a really annoying accent that makes you want to put your foot through the television every time it speaks.

[cwickham]

SMOKE ME A KIPPER

Nigel Farage is burnt at the stake.

[pfm]

The actual twat is happening??????

ANAL-MEAD & HYMEN

Lister and the crew become trapped in a VR simulation of a deranged message board from the early 21st Century, brought to life, where the posters’ every whim (and, indeed, quim) are met, not unlike a certain total-immersion videogame from a previous encounter. However, this time, instead of his own warped psyche putting the Dwarfers in danger, Rimmer finds himself at the mercy of the deeply depraved Doom-mongers while Lister wonders why everyone suddenly needs a slash…meanwhile, the Cat rolls around in his own doings to avoid passing the smell test and Kryten manages to break out of the board only to find himself in a place where the horrors multiply tenfold…mumsnet. :o

[bloodteller]

DIMENSION KRUMP- lister gets so into freestyle street dancing that he is able to cross dimensions, somehow. now its up to the dwarfers to learn how to krump

[Rubber]

‘Glue’

Still reeling from the untimely death of her troubled teenage son, Doc Newton channels her energies into an outreach programme designed to deter solvent abuse among the young on board ship. After Captain Hollister refuses to fund the programme, Newton tirelessly takes on all the extra work herself, giving up evenings and weekends to speak to youth groups, spread awareness and counsel substance abusers face to face. Six months later, her efforts have not made the slightest difference to the levels of solvent abuse on board ship, except to raise further awareness of it as a mildly distracting recreational pasttime and introducing new demographics to the hobby. Completely discouraged, and still struggling to cope with Ryan’s overdose, she slashes her wrists in the main water tank. Meanwhile, Cat and Kryten’s enamel pin collecting becomes a little TOO competitive!

[cwickham]

Meanwhile, Cat and Kryten’s enamel pin collecting becomes a little TOO competitive!

The awful thing is that this genuinely was a subplot in a later-day Simpsons episode from a few years back.

[bloodteller]

ONLY THE FOOD…- red dwarf is slowly being eaten away by a highly corrosive microbe so hollister evacuates alone with all the ship’s food supplies, leaving the rest of the crew to either starve to death or get eaten by the microbe.

luckily hollister comes back a day later. he has eaten all the food supplies but is still hungry and so proceeds to devour the microbe, the crew, and himself. the status quo is restored. now it’s up to the dwarfers to just carry on like VIII never even happened

[clem]

THE ONE WHERE EVERYONE’S FRIGHTENED

Halloween special guest starring Marek Larwood as Sandy the Astro-ghost.

[bloodteller]

BACK IN THE UNFED- captain hollister goes on a diet in the secret hopes that doug will stop treating him like a walking fat joke

guest starring ardal o hanlon

[Dave]

CACK IN THE BED: PART ONE

After a heavy night of curry and lager, an ageing Lister wakes up to discover that his bowels have evacuated during the night.

[Dave]

BRYNNERWORLD

When the glue attaching Chris Barrie’s wig to his head comes unstuck, Rimmer starts being regularly mistaken for Yul Brynner, as he is bald, and his head glimmers.

[Pete Part Three]

Mika to Ride

The crew travel to 2006 and teach popstar Mika how to ride a pony. Meanwhile, Red Dwarf blows up and everyone dies.

[Dave]

PALARREL UNIVERSE

The crew travel to an alternate dimension where they are all female, and discover that this version of Red Dwarf also has a racist-accented vending machine.

[bloodteller]

CAN OF WORDS- lister eats some alphabetti spaghetti

[Pete Part Three]

Thanks for the Vasectomy

Lister decides that he’s done such a bad job of bringing himself up, that the responsible thing to do is to have an operation and stop having any more children. Unfortunately, his son takes the news as a slight on his character and runs off, telling himself he wishes he’d never been born.

[clem]

FAN OF WORMS

Lister becomes addicted to the video game Worms. Meanwhile Kryten’s bum falls off.

[clem]

Sport Relief sketch. Rimmer finally gets his Gold swimming certificate with the help of special guest star Duncan Goodhew.

[Pete Part Three]

A Spooky Affair

While participating in the Johnny Sands Dance Game Show at the local TV station, the Dwarfers encounter a phantom made of wax, who steals a safe full of money and kidnaps the station manager. Is the phantom a hoax, or the result of a curse of an old employee seeking revenge? It’s the first one. Obviously.

[Rubber]

‘Semen and Dangles’

The semen-producing members of the crew stop producing semen in their dangles. As a consequence Kryten has far less to do. Meanwhile, Kochanski starts producing semen in her melons.

[Rubber]

D Hen A

It’s Holly’s hen night and the gals are out on the town like a pack of rabid jackals, but tensions and womanny rivalries look set to make the night memorable for all the WRONG reasons! Harrison still blames Carole Brown for Todhunter’s suicide attempt, but will she finally let on? Aniter, Hologram Camille and Sim Crawford have a strict ‘no men’ pact for the night, but Hologram Camille’s recent realisations about her sexuality lead her into an enlightening encounter with Natalina Pushkin instead. Nirvanah Crane still hasn’t forgiven Doc Newton for misdiagnosing her cervical cancer, but will she make good on her threat to report the troubled doctor for malpractice – and is tonight the night to do it? In the ladies’ toilets, Holly herself isn’t even sure if she’s ready for marriage, or even if she still wants to be a woman. Will a heart-to-heart with Caroline Carmen, Irene E, Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech and Woman In Cafe With Eclair settle her nerves? Back on the Dwarf, Kochanski bitches about not being invited and, in a last-ditch attempt to derail the whole affair, Kryten eats everyone’s cufflinks.

[Pete Part Three]

HolyShip

The crew head off in Starbug in search of the second Cat Ark. Instead they find an Ark with hundreds of pairs of animals in it. The captain of the ship is a geordie called Noah, but it’s not *that* Noah, because otherwise people might get upset. Meanwhile, Camille returns…with Kryten’s secret lovechild.

[flanl3]

DIMENSION RUMP:

Ace Rimmer arrives and tells a mediocre-at-best ‘yo momma’ joke to Rimmer, who agrees, failing to see the irony in the joke.

[bloodteller]

DIMENSION PUMP- ace rimmer travels the multiverse looking for a bicycle pump so he can fix his flat tyre

[Dave]

DIMENSION GRUMP

Ace Rimmer is permanently in a bit of a mard after he can’t get his wig to sit straight.

[cwickham]

Dimension Mugwump: Boris Johnson arrives from a parallel dimension. He is played by Steven Wickham.

[Pete Part Three]

Detention Jump

Five humanoids from different walks of life endure prison sentence under a power-hungry Captain Hollister. The disparate group includes rebel Dave, princess Krissie, outcast Arnold, brainy Kryten and Cat the, er, cat. Each has a chance to tell his or her story, making the others see them a little differently — and when Series VIII ends, they question whether Red Dwarf will ever be the same.

[bloodteller]

MECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-ECH-OCRACY- the gelfs elect a new leader

[bloodteller]

TWENTIKKA- lister eats 20 curries and feels a bit sick. now it’s up to the dwarfers to take care of him until he feels better

[Rubber]

Local Produce Me A Kipper

The Dwarfers head to a farmer’s market where Lister and Cat eat like kings just by sampling all the little free samples of locally sourced food on plates at each of the stalls. Back on the Dwarf, an increasingly agitated Dr McLaren has another difficult day which ends with him signing a rifle out of the munitions store.

[Rubber]

Local Produce Me A Kipper

Lister and Cat visit a farmer’s market where they eat like kings by helping themselves to all the little free samples of locally-sourced food at each stall. Back on the Dwarf, an increasingly agitated Dr McLaren has another difficult day which ends with him signing a rifle out of the munitions store and staring at it.

[cwickham]

M-Wave: Red Dwarf is hit by the titular wave, turning everything and everyone invisible. The remaining 26 minutes are just a blank screen. The episode ends very abruptly.

[Rubber]

Local Produce Me A Kipper

Lister and Cat visit a farmers’ market where they eat like kings by helping themselves to all the free samples of locally sourced food on each of the stalls. Back on the Dwarf, an increasingly agitated Dr McLaren ends another difficult day by signing a rifle out of the munitions store and staring at it for several hours.

[flanl3]

SILIWAVE:

A wave hits the ship which turns them all into gay mechs. They all screw each other every which way in the next 25 minutes. When the episode ends, they are still all mechs, but it is implied through an obscure line early in the episode that the wave will somehow come back and turn them back into their old selves.

[flanl3]

THIRTICA:

The Dwarfers travel back in time to an alternative America where the great depression is occurring, but instead of everybody being poor they’re actually all just depressed.

[Dollar Pound]

ROUX

lister misses rimmer bad. but it’s alright, it’s not series vii, he’s just gone to the holobog, he’ll be back in a minute. meanwhile kryten makes a roux

[flanl3]

GUNTEX OF THE ALPOCALYPSE:

After an encounter with some angry simulants, Starbug is set on a course to crash into a lava planet or something, Lister (played by Tex Rimmer), Rimmer (played by Tex Rimmer), Cat (played by Tex Rimmer), and Kryten (played by Texert Rrimerryn), must travel into a wild west simulation to battle the four horsemen of the apocalypse (all played by “Weird Al” Yankovic).

[Hamish]

GUNMEN OF THE ALPACALYPSE:

Exactly the same episode as Gunmen, but with Alpacas.

Wait, that’s stupid. They would have to be rising Llamas instead.

[Hamish]

Well that typo is unfortunate.

[Author]

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