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cwickhamParticipant
I HATE TO BREAK UP THE PARTY, BUT IS THERE SOMEONE MISSING?
Rimmer remains in hiding over his recent string of illegal parties.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTYTWO
All the keypads on Red Dwarf have the numbers 19 arranged in a 3by3 grid, in such a way that the number formed in the first row can be multiplied by 2 to form the number in the second row, and by 3 to form the number in the third row. One way of doing this would be:
2  1  9
4  3  8
6  5  7
There are several different combinations where this is possible, but the keypads on Red Dwarf have the number 5 in the centre square. What is the only solution that allows this to be the case?
cwickhamParticipantOH YEAH, QUEENS DON’T MOVE LIKE THAT
Boris Johnson dances into the night at a party held on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral.
cwickhamParticipantWINE TIME! (FRIDAYS)
Hudzen notices it’s time for his regularly scheduled illegal pissup with work colleagues.
cwickhamParticipantLYING TIME!
Hudzen attempts to explain his recent string of illegal parties.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTYONE
Rimmer changes the rules of his darts game so all three darts must score, and must land in different sections of the board.
What is the new highest possible score? And Lister won’t be able to score 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, but what is the next lowest impossible score?
cwickhamParticipantSLEIGH TIMERIDES
Lister goes back in time to the recording of a song made famous by the Ronettes.
cwickhamParticipantCHRISTMASES WHEN YOU WERE QUARANTINE
Taylor Swift song about what would have happened if Cat, Lister and Kryten never escaped Bay 47.
cwickhamParticipantCHRISTMAS MUST BE SOMETHING POLYMOREPH
Taylor Swift song about the Polymorph coming back at Christmas.
cwickhamParticipantSILENT VR KNIGHT
Sequel to “Stoke Me a Clipper” where Lister uses the VR suite to reenact the birth of Christ, but a virtual reality knight escapes from another game and wreaks havoc. The subject of 34,969 complaints to Ofcom.
cwickhamParticipantALL MAROONED ON CHRISTMAS
Marooned has a musical number by Darlene Love badly edited into the middle to try and make it a Christmas special.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY
For the Dwarfers’ Christmas party, Rimmer has brought Lister a special new dartboard. The bullseye is worth 50 points. The zone around the bullseye is split into ten different sections which are worth 2 points, 4 points, 6 points and so on up to 20. The outer rim is also split into ten sections, which are worth 1 to 10 points.
Rimmer challenges Lister to a game: they pick a number for each other, and the first player to score that total with three darts is the winner. The loser has to clean the entire ship from top to bottom.
Rimmer picks the number 150 for Lister, so the only way for Lister to win is to get all three darts in the bullseye before Rimmer gets whatever number Lister picks for him. However, there are some numbers it is impossible to score with three darts!
What is the lowest impossible score Lister can ask Rimmer to get with three darts? (Darts that miss count as 0 points.)
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYNINE
Kryten is preparing a turkey dinner for Christmas Day, but needs to know who will eat the most.
Lister can eat more than Rimmer, but Cat can eat more than Lister. Rimmer can outeat Kryten, but Cat can eat more than Rimmer.
Which of the following statements is correct?:
a) Lister can eat more than Kryten but can’t eat more than Rimmer
b) Both Kryten and Cat can eat more than Lister
c) Lister can eat more than Kryten by more than he can outeat Rimmer
d) None of the above
cwickhamParticipantTHE FIVES SPECKS OF GRIT WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS
Unproduced 1991 Christmas special where Holly once again mistakenly thinks Red Dwarf is on a collision course with five specks of grit, and everyone has to evacuate at 11pm on Christmas Eve, ruining their plans for the holiday.
cwickhamParticipant[to be sung to the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”:] IT’S THE MOST DESIRABLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD
Unproduced Christmas special from 1990 where the Cat and Lister shag Wilma.
cwickhamParticipantTHIS IS A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS! I’M ON THE RUN FROM FROM THE FASCIST POLICE WITH A MURDERER, A MASSMURDERER AND A MAN IN A BRINYLON SHIRT
Unproduced 1992 Christmas special where the Dwarfers wake up and discover their lives were really an immersive video game, and they are actually elves in a stopmotion cartoon.
cwickhamParticipantCHEST AND SILLY OLD NIPPLES ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE
Unproduced 1989 Christmas special where Hudzen comes back and destroys Red Dwarf in a fiery inferno. Not produced after the show got picked up for Series IV.
cwickhamParticipantTHE LITTLE BOX THAT GOES FZZTTT OF DELIGHTS
Lister returns to Earth for the holidays, but meets a strange Punch and Judy man at the spaceport. Cole Hawlings entrusts his box to Lister, who goes on to have many adventures across time as he protects the box from Abner Brown, but it turns out to all be a dream after Lister had sixteen bottles of moonshine on Christmas Day.
cwickhamParticipantBEYOND A YOLK
Doug eats eggs.
cwickhamParticipantBEYOND A BOAK
Doug hires an incompetent former Doctor Who director.
cwickhamParticipantBEYOND A MOKE
Doug drives a comically small car.
cwickhamParticipantBEYOND A SOAK
Doug has a really, really long bath.
cwickhamParticipantSHROPSHIREOCRACY
Kryten is so shit at being Machine President he manages to lose reelection, despite such a thing being theoretically impossible since it’s never come up.
cwickhamParticipantTAKE CHRISTMAS, WHAT DID WE DO CHRISTMAS DAY?
Rimmer feigns amnesia over his illegal Christmas celebrations.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYEIGHT
The Skutters have been told to organise Rimmer’s back issues of Morris Dancer Monthly. They have a box with 113 monthly issues and 63 special editions in it, and a bag with another 72 monthly issues in it.
Every time they reach into the box, they pull out two issues. If they pull out a monthly issue and a special edition, they throw a special edition back into the box. If they’re both the same type, they throw a monthly issue back in. They keep doing this until there’s only one issue left in the box. What type of issue is it?
cwickhamParticipantOFFICER GB
Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as Andrew Neil.
cwickhamParticipantOFFICER S EB
Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as the lead singer of theaudience.
cwickhamParticipantOFFICER FIFI
Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a poodle.
cwickhamParticipantOFFICER EEVEE
Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a Pokémon.
cwickhamParticipantOFFICER DEEDEE
Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a character from Dexter’s Laboratory.
cwickhamParticipantOFFICER 10CC
Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a rock band.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYSEVEN
Whilst travelling through space in Starbug, Lister glances at the milometer to see how many billions of kilometres this Starbug has travelled. At the moment, the milometer reads 14941 billion kilometres. 14941 is, of course, a perfect palindrome.
Two hours later, Lister glances at the milometer again and sees that it now shows a new palindrome.
What was the average speed of the ship, in kilometres, in those two hours?
cwickhamParticipantLOCK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO
Taylor Swift song about the latest threat to close the idea for an episode thread once and for all.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYSIX
If Ian Symes is given an excuse to lock the thread at 9:48am, and it’s still open nearly four hours later, has he missed the window of opportunity where locking the thread will actually be funny?
cwickhamParticipantHAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN CORRECT ANSWERS AND PARANOIA
Yes
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE TRICKY
Hoagy is difficult.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE LONELY
Hoagy is in solitude.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE ONLY
Hoagy is unique.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE FUCKMYARSEY
It’s page 125.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE FUNKY
Hoagy enjoys dancing to music.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE SMOKEY
Hoagy liks cigarettes.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE BLOKEY
Hoagy is crude.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE OK
Hoagy is basically fine.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE MOKEY
Hoagy drives a small car.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGY THE JOKEY
Hoagy is humorous.
cwickhamParticipantPOGUEY THE ROGUEY
Hoagy replaces Shane MacGowan as a band’s lead singer.
cwickhamParticipantHOAGIE THE ROGUEY
Hoagy is a submarine sandwich.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE FOGEY
Hogey is old.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE VOGUEY
Hogey does a fashion shoot.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE ROGUEONEY
Hogey steals the blueprints for the Death Star.
cwickhamParticipantOKILYDOKILY THE ROGUEY
Hogey is related to Ned Flanders.
cwickhamParticipantBOGEY THE ROGUEY
Hogey’s snotty cousin is introduced.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE YOKEY
Hogey is an egg now.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE WOKEY
Hogey is alert to racial and social injustices.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE COKEY
Hogey invents a dance, and names it after himself.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE POKEY
Hogey invades peoples’ personal spaces.
cwickhamParticipantHOGEY THE LOKI
The part of Hogey is recast to Tom Hiddleston.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYFIVE
Lister holds a race between all the Skutters. Unfortunately, he tries to get Holly to keep the results, and there’s a bit of a mixup. All he knows is that the Skutter who came in three places in front of the Skutter who finished last came in two places ahead of the Skutter who came in seventh.
How many Skutters finished the race?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYFOUR
Starbug has a laser cannon which is tilted at a 45degree angle. It is pointed in the direction of a GELF ship, which is chasing it across a planetoid with an Earthlike atmosphere. The cannon is fired, sending a laser bolt with a density of 6kg towards the GELF ship at a velocity of 300 metres per second.
The GELF ship’s side is sloped upwards at 30 degrees. Assuming that gravitational acceleration is 9.8 metres per second per second, and disregarding air resistance and the height of the cannon (in other words, assume the cannon opening is at elevation zero), at what elevation, in metres, will the laser bolt strike the side of the GELF ship? Please round to the nearest metre.
cwickhamParticipantHOW CAN YOU MANAGE TO MISS THE FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY?
Everyone realises they missed the fiveyear anniversary of the idea for an episode thread starting, and all the truly brilliant opportunities for puns based around the number five as a result.
cwickhamParticipantANSWERS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYTHREE
cwickham is very pleased someone got that one right + praised the question to boot
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYTHREE
For Kryten’s latest experiment, he is decanting astro fuel into a flask. The flask is the shape of a pentagonal pyramid: the base is a regular pentagon, 15cm to a side, and the height of the “pyramid” is 32cm. Assume these measurements are for the interior of the bottle.
Assume the flow of liquid into the flask starts at zero and increases at a rate of 1 millilitre per second per second. How many seconds will it take to completely fill the flask? Please round to the nearest whole number.
cwickhamParticipantANSWERS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYTWO
cwickham wants to acknowledge someone getting the right answer but can’t think of a way to do so that really counts as an idea for an episode
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYTWO
Lister and Rimmer play an extralong, highscoring game of Subbuteo. If 6 of the goals scored by Rimmer were instead scored by Lister, the game would have been tied. But if 6 of the goals scored by Lister were instead scored by Rimmer, Rimmer would have 4 times as many goals as Lister. How many goals did Rimmer score in this game?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTYONE
Lister and Talkie Toaster are trapped in the garbage hold with nothing but a pack of cards. Lister comes up with a game: he draws a card from the top of the deck, and Talkie has to guess whether the next card will be higher or lower (aces are wild). For the first correct guess, Lister agrees to eat one piece of toast; for a second consecutive correct guess, two pieces of toast; three in a row correct is four pieces of toast; four correct is seven pieces of toast; and five correct is twelve pieces of toast.
If Talkie Toaster makes it through the entire deck of cards without guessing incorrectly once, how many pieces of toast will Lister have to eat?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY
The Observation Dome is mounted to Red Dwarf’s exterior on a pole which is 13 cm in diameter and a perfect cylinder. If one end of a 2300 cm long string is attached to the top of the pole, and wraps around the pole exactly 16 times before ending at the bottom of the pole, how tall is the pole to the nearest centimetre?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTYNINE
Kryten, Lister, Cat and Kochanski are trapped in the middle of Starbug’s ducts.
From where they are, there are 4 passageways, one going north, one south, one east and one west. 25 metres down each of these passageways is another 4way intersection (also going north, south, east and west). 25 metres down each of those passageways is another 4way intersection, and 25 metres down those passageways is another 4way intersection, with passages going 25 metres in each direction.
Each passageway’s crosssection is a square, 3 metres tall and 3 metres wide. Assume that 25 metres is the exact distance between the centres of each intersection, and each intersection is a 3metre by 3metre square.
When the ductways get backwashed, how much water (in cubic metres) will be required to fill them to the ceiling?
cwickhamParticipantKND
The DNA machine comes back, and turns the Dwarfers into characters from a Cartoon Network series.
cwickhamParticipantKYD
The DNA machine comes back, and turns all Lister’s money into the currency of the Cayman Islands.
cwickhamParticipantDYK
The DNA machine comes back, but nobody knows about it.
cwickhamParticipantDIY
The DNA machine comes back, but with some assembly required.
October 9, 2021 at 10:31 am in reply to: Tickets available for The Nether Regions recordings #269630cwickhamParticipantNO IT DIDN’T
cwickhamParticipantBABADOOK TO EARTH
“Back to Earth” torments the Dwarfers after they become aware of its existence.
cwickhamParticipantBABADOOK IN THE RED
The Polymorph torments the Dwarfers after they become aware of its existence.
cwickhamParticipantBABADOOK TO REALITY
The Dwarfers wake up to discover they are actually monsters in a children’s book.
cwickhamParticipantRTD²
When Chris Chibnall attempts to renew his contract as showrunner of Doctor Who, it turns out it’s actually a duplicate of the contract another showrunner signed in 2003 because everyone’s sick to death of him.
cwickhamParticipantCLIT OR SIS
Rimmer has to decide whether to commit incest or not.
cwickhamParticipantTHE CLITORIS EMPIRE
Rimmer travels to an alternative reality where he is merely a fictional character in a TV show. He meets the actor who plays him and inexplicably mishears the name of the other sitcom he stars in.
cwickhamParticipantTYPOS IN CLUES IN THE RED
That r on the penultimate line should be a d, obviously
cwickhamParticipantCLUES IN THE RED
Let’s say that M is the amount of mess in the ship at the beginning of day 1, and d is the amount of mess generated by the Dwarfers in 1 day.
To get the amount of mess 1 Skutter can clean up per day, for the 48 Skutters over 90 days, we’d get (M + 90d)/(48*90)
To get the amount of mess 1 Skutter cleans per day, for the 120 Skutters over 30 days, we’d get (M + 30d)/(120*30)Since the Skutters always clean the same amount, the two formulas are going to be equal.
120 * 30 = 3600, and 48 * 90 = 4320, so:
(M + 90r)/4320 = (M + 30d)/3600.
Solve for M, and we get M=270d, or d = M/270.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTYEIGHT
The Skutters clean Red Dwarf at a constant rate, but the Dwarfers keep making a mess continuously.
48 Skutters can completely clean Red Dwarf from top to bottom in 90 days.
120 Skutters can completely clean Red Dwarf in 30 days.
How many Skutters would be needed to completely clean the ship in 16 days, rounded to the nearest whole Skutter?
cwickhamParticipantROUT OF THE RED
Documentary on the defeat of communism.
cwickhamParticipantSHOUT OF THE RED
Lister is loud.
cwickhamParticipantPOUT OF THE RED
Lister is all sulky.
cwickhamParticipantBOUT OF THE RED
A fight to the death occurs between Lenin and McCarthy.
cwickhamParticipantLOUT OF THE RED
Lister is loutish all over Red Dwarf.
cwickhamParticipantGOUT OF THE RED
Lister contracts a really bad case of inflammatory arthritis.
cwickhamParticipantBACKING OUT OF THE RED
Everyone leaves Red Dwarf very slowly and carefully.
cwickhamParticipantOUT OF THE RED
Accurate description of two of the best endings for the video game Papers, Please.
cwickhamParticipantOUT OF THE PIT
Doug accidentally hands in an old roleplaying game book in place of his script for the new Red Dwarf special.
cwickhamParticipantPUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act sings about golf.
cwickhamParticipantMUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act sings under his breath.
cwickhamParticipantBUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act sings about dairy products.
cwickhamParticipantNUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act sings about mental illness with the same level of sensitivity as he did about people with speech impediments.
cwickhamParticipantCUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act sings about scissors.
cwickhamParticipantGUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act sings about drainage.
cwickhamParticipantSPLUTTER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act is unclear in what he says.
cwickhamParticipantSTUTTER WRAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act releases a range of wrapping paper based on his hit single.
cwickhamParticipantSMUTTIER RAP
Red Dwarf’s warmup act releases his Xrated followup to his hit single.
cwickhamParticipantOUT OF MATHS IN THE RED
Doug writes a 90minute stage show revolving entirely around shit maths puzzles.

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