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SCISSOR/ROSSICS

Rimmer crosses over into a mirror universe where everyone is made of scissors.

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ONLY THE NUDE

Doug is arrested for public indecency.

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ESTONELY THE GOOD

New version of “Only the Good…” which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Rimmer escaped to Estonia, somehow.

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WHO DO YOU THINK YOU KARMA

Documentary on the history of the karma drive.

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HARMER

The karma drive comes back, and causes everyone great harm.

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STARMER

The karma drive comes back, and turns everyone into Keir Starmer.

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PARMA

The karma drive comes back, and turns everyone into ham.

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LLAMA

The karma drive comes back, and turns everyone into llamas.

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JSP

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into a really annoying journalist.

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THE FIRST 8,419 IDEAS

Comprehensive documentary on the first 3.37% of this thread.

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REET PETE

Pete comes back and dances to Jackie Wilson’s “Reet Petite” with Blue Midget. Episode abandoned after worldwide protests by Red Dwarf fans.

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BONEYSNATCHER

All of Lister’s Boney M records are stolen.

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BODYTHATCHER

The DNA machine comes back, and gives Lister the body of Margaret Thatcher.

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BODYNACHOER

The DNA machine comes back, and gives Lister a body made entirely of nachos.

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DELAYED REACTION JUMP

Fuck my arse we’re on the eighty-fifth page

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THE LAST CLIPPY

Hudzen 10 arrives on board Red Dwarf after learning the ship is still running Microsoft Office 97, which has been obsolete for over three million years.

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THANKS FOR THE CLIPPY

Lister gives Rimmer all his memories of the Microsoft Office assistant.

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CLIPPYTEN

Early draft of “Kryten” where the titular character was in fact a futuristic version of the Microsoft Office assistant. Had to be rewritten when Paul Jackson pointed out Microsoft Office 97 wouldn’t be invented for another eight years.

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CLIPPYSWAP

Lister swaps jobs with the Microsoft Office assistant.

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CLIPPYMORPH

The crew discover a genetically engineered lifeform that can turn into different Microsoft Office assistants.

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NANATROCITY

Kryten has all his nanobots put to death.

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NANARCHIE

Kryten has a small penis.

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NAN ARCH CLIPPY

The crew discover the mother of the creator of Microsoft Office assistant Clippy under an archway.

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CLIPPER

Rimmer skips from parallel universe to parallel universe, looking for one where Microsoft Office assistant Clippy never existed.

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GEORGE EUSTICE

Rimmer’s defence in his murder trial is given by an incompetent cabinet minister.

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GENIUSTICE

Rimmer’s defence in his murder trial is given by one of the other, more obscure Microsoft Office assistants.

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STOKE ME A CLIPPY

Rimmer is tracked down by Clippy, and tasked with carrying on his legacy as the assistant in the new version of Microsoft Office.

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BONZICONIA

Holly’s mind is uploaded into a virtual assistant which is really a load of malware.

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NETSCAPER

Rimmer enters a parallel universe where Red Dwarf is powered by the obsolete browser Netscape Navigator.

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MADELEYMORPH

The crew encounter a genetically engineered life form that bears a remarkable resemblance to Alan Partridge.

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TOPPERMORPH

The crew encounter a genetically engineered life form that can change into various different characters from a DC Thomson comic published between 1953 and 1990.

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JOLLYMORPH

Abandoned 1990 Christmas special where the second Polymorph comes back and impersonates Father Christmas. Not produced after Rob and Doug learnt Father Christmas isn’t real midway through the shoot and aborted production in floods of tears.

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WHYMORPH

Tony Hart gets all existential.

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BONEY THE FROOD

Napoleon Bonaparte is inexplicably revealed as a fan of the works of Douglas Adams.

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BONOMORPH

The crew encounter a genetically altered life form which can sing “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”.

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FUNNY, BACK IN THE RED & ON TV

A contradiction in terms.

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GORD DOWN ON IT

Gordon Kennedy releases an ill-advised cover of the Kool & the Gang song “Get Down on It”.

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DAVID N/A

Craig David is deemed irrelevant.

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DAVID.N.A.

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister and Cat into Craig David.

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DAVID IN THE RED

Due to a hilarious booking mix-up, Craig David is hired to play both Lister and Cat.

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GORDICONIA

All the Dwarfers have their minds uploaded into clones of Gordon Kennedy, who receives five paychecks for this episode.

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GORDOCRACY

Gordon Kennedy is elected CEO of Grant Naylor Productions, and makes another 64 series of Red Dwarf starring Hudzen as the new main character.

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ONLY THE GORD

Gordon Kennedy is revealed as the one who saved Red Dwarf from the chameleonic microbe.

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WAITING FOR GORD

Gordon Kennedy is revealed as the true God of the Cat race.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART SIXTEEN

Whilst on planet leave, Lister goes to an Indian restaurant to have a curry. The curry costs 1.40 dollarpounds per serving.

However, the curry is so hot that for every dish Lister eats, he will need to eat one and a half bowls of ice cream. Ice cream costs 70 pennycents per serving, and the restaurant will not serve half portions.

The ice cream is so gooey that for every bowl of it Lister eats, he’ll need three drinks to wash it down. Drinks cost 30 pennycents per serving.

If Lister has 12 dollarpounds, how many portions of curry can he get through?

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KENNEDYWAVE

Something which a desire to do caused the President’s death.

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KENNEDYWAVE

A stream of Gordon Kennedy-related puns fills an entire page of ideas for episodes within 24 hours.

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I DON’T UNDERSTAND, ALL WE DID IS SAVE GORDON KENNEDY’S LIFE

Disaster is narrowly averted on the set of The Last Day when Gordon Kennedy really is troubled by the metaphysical implications of there being no Silicon Heaven.

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GOOGLING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy discovers this page of G&T whilst searching the web for his own name, and is extremely confused.

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BLING BLING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy buys lots of jewellery.

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SHINING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy goes insane after accepting a job as caretaker in a remote hotel.

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FILING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy goes for a manicure.

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FILING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy files a lawsuit against Ganymede & Titan because of three people who keep on making bizarre allegations about him because they can form the basis of tortured puns on a line he said in an episode of Red Dwarf 31 years ago.

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KAYAKING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy goes kayaking.

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KAYA RING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy proposes marriage to the actress Kaya Scodelario.

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HIGH WING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy becomes a wing walker.

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HIGH MING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy foolishly places all his priceless Ming vases on very tall, narrow sidetables.

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FRYING SLIME!

Gordon Kennedy sets all his slime on fire.

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BUYING SLIME!

Gordon Kennedy corners the world market in slime.

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HIGHLAND TIME!

Gordon Kennedy returns to his home country.

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GUILING FINE!

Gordon Kennedy goes into politics, quickly becomes a treasury minister, and introduces some deceptive new taxes.

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GUILING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy acts all deceitful.

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RECITING FINE!

Gordon Kennedy is praised for his performance at a poetry recital.

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TILING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy does some DIY work on his bathroom.

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JIVING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy signs up for the new series of Strictly Come Dancing.

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JIBING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy makes some jibes.

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AISLING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy pitches a sequel to The Last Day where Hudzen falls in love with a mechanoid played by Aisling Bea.

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DIALLING A NINE!

Gordon Kennedy calls for an ambulance.

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STYING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy decides to live the rest of his life as a pig.

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ADVENTURE TIME!

Gordon Kennedy reprises his role as Hudzen in order to kill Finn and Jake.

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KIM JONG TIME!

After moving to North Korea, Gordon Kennedy forms an unlikely friendship.

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PIEING VINE!

Gordon Kennedy posts videos to the Internet of him throwing custard pies in peoples’ faces.

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LYING RHYME!

Gordon Kennedy composes a libellous song about Keith Allen.

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FLYING SLIME!

Gordon Kennedy is hit by somebody’s projectile vomiting.

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DYING MIME!

Gordon Kennedy laments the death of mime as an art form.

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BUYING A MINE!

Gordon Kennedy purchases some explosive devices.

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DYING A LIME!

Gordon Kennedy starts a business where he paints fruit different colours and sells them to restaurants.

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TRYING TIME! PART TWO

Gordon Kennedy recalls his experiences of working with Keith Allen on Robin Hood.

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BIDEN TIME!

Gordon Kennedy announces his endorsement in the US election.

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MAYAN TIME!

Gordon Kennedy becomes a time traveller.

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TRYING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy has a very trying time.

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RYING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy becomes a farmer, but the only thing he harvests is rye.

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VYING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy vies for a TV return for Absolutely.

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SIGHING TIME! PART TWO

Gordon Kennedy remembers the ending of the second series of Robin Hood where the showrunners took total leave of their senses, and the total production clusterfuck on the third series.

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SIGHING TIME!

Gordon Kennedy remembers that time the producers of Robin Hood left him outside a Hungarian hospital in a wheelbarrow after he injured himself on set.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART FIFTEEN

Lister is tasked by Rimmer with repairing all of the broken clocks on board Red Dwarf. He takes six clocks and a list of their individual problems into his bunkroom, and starts by setting them all to the correct time at the start of the hour. He then gets distracted by fourteen pints of lager, and wakes up some time later, unsure what time it is.

He looks at the six broken clocks, which currently read: 10.30, 3.25, 5.30, 8.00, 12.45, 7.05.

According to his list, only Kochanski’s clock shows the correct time. Since being set, Rimmer’s clock will have lost 2 hours and 5 minutes. Petersen’s clock goes at exactly half speed. Hollister’s clock hasn’t worked ever since he sat on it. Chen’s clock gains 10 minutes every hour. Selby’s clock goes backwards.

What time is it now?

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UNDERGROUND, OVERGROUND, POLYMORPHING FREE

Test reel of footage shot by Mike Agnew for a proposed puppet-based CBBC spinoff starring the Polymorph, shot circa 1990.

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Oh ye gods we’re on the eighty-third page

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UNDERGROUND, THE END, WOMBLING FREE

Alternative pilot episode recorded in 1987 where Lister was played by Bernard Cribbins.

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UNDERGROUND, CURED, WOMBLING FREE

Great Uncle Bulgaria is cured of evil.

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UNDERGROUND, ENTANGLED, WOMBLING FREE

Rewrite of Entangled after they discovered there were limits on how long the guy in the chimp costume could perform for, so Professor Edgington was actually a Womble.

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UNDERGROUND, ONLY THE GOOD, WOMBLING FREE

New version of “Only the Good…” which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing the Wombles turned up and repaired the ship using everyday objects people had discarded on Wimbledon Common.

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UNDERGROUND, RIMMERWORLD, WOMBLING FREE

Rimmerworld comes back, and the Dwarfers discover it has been overrun with Wombles.

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UNDERGROUND, WAITING FOR GOD, WOMBLING FREE

The Cat reveals his race is not actually descended from cats at all, but Wombles.

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UNDERGROUND, MAROONED, WOMBLING FREE

Lister and Rimmer get stuck on a crashed Starbug with Bernard Cribbins.

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CRIBBIN OF WORMS

Cat has sex with Bernard Cribbins.

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CRIBBINSANDRA

Bernard Cribbins predicts Rimmer’s death.

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BERNARD IN THE RED

The nanobots come back, and recreate Bernard Cribbins.

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BERNARD A JOKE

Kryten discovers that all Series 4000 mechanoids are based on Bernard Cribbins.

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BERNARD TO REALITY

The Dwarfers realise they are all really Bernard Cribbins.

[Author]

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