cwickham

[cwickham]

I HATE TO BREAK UP THE PARTY, BUT IS THERE SOMEONE MISSING?

Rimmer remains in hiding over his recent string of illegal parties.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-TWO

All the keypads on Red Dwarf have the numbers 1-9 arranged in a 3-by-3 grid, in such a way that the number formed in the first row can be multiplied by 2 to form the number in the second row, and by 3 to form the number in the third row. One way of doing this would be:

2 | 1 | 9

4 | 3 | 8

6 | 5 | 7

There are several different combinations where this is possible, but the keypads on Red Dwarf have the number 5 in the centre square. What is the only solution that allows this to be the case?

[cwickham]

OH YEAH, QUEENS DON’T MOVE LIKE THAT

Boris Johnson dances into the night at a party held on the eve of Prince Philip’s funeral.

[cwickham]

WINE TIME! (FRIDAYS)

Hudzen notices it’s time for his regularly scheduled illegal piss-up with work colleagues.

[cwickham]

LYING TIME!

Hudzen attempts to explain his recent string of illegal parties.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-ONE

Rimmer changes the rules of his darts game so all three darts must score, and must land in different sections of the board.

What is the new highest possible score? And Lister won’t be able to score 0, 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, but what is the next lowest impossible score?

[cwickham]

SLEIGH TIMERIDES

Lister goes back in time to the recording of a song made famous by the Ronettes.

[cwickham]

CHRISTMASES WHEN YOU WERE QUARANTINE

Taylor Swift song about what would have happened if Cat, Lister and Kryten never escaped Bay 47.

[cwickham]

CHRISTMAS MUST BE SOMETHING POLYMOREPH

Taylor Swift song about the Polymorph coming back at Christmas.

[cwickham]

SILENT VR KNIGHT

Sequel to “Stoke Me a Clipper” where Lister uses the VR suite to re-enact the birth of Christ, but a virtual reality knight escapes from another game and wreaks havoc. The subject of 34,969 complaints to Ofcom.

[cwickham]

ALL MAROONED ON CHRISTMAS

Marooned has a musical number by Darlene Love badly edited into the middle to try and make it a Christmas special.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY

For the Dwarfers’ Christmas party, Rimmer has brought Lister a special new dartboard. The bullseye is worth 50 points. The zone around the bullseye is split into ten different sections which are worth 2 points, 4 points, 6 points and so on up to 20. The outer rim is also split into ten sections, which are worth 1 to 10 points.

Rimmer challenges Lister to a game: they pick a number for each other, and the first player to score that total with three darts is the winner. The loser has to clean the entire ship from top to bottom.

Rimmer picks the number 150 for Lister, so the only way for Lister to win is to get all three darts in the bullseye before Rimmer gets whatever number Lister picks for him. However, there are some numbers it is impossible to score with three darts!

What is the lowest impossible score Lister can ask Rimmer to get with three darts? (Darts that miss count as 0 points.)

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-NINE

Kryten is preparing a turkey dinner for Christmas Day, but needs to know who will eat the most.

Lister can eat more than Rimmer, but Cat can eat more than Lister. Rimmer can out-eat Kryten, but Cat can eat more than Rimmer.

Which of the following statements is correct?:

a) Lister can eat more than Kryten but can’t eat more than Rimmer

b) Both Kryten and Cat can eat more than Lister

c) Lister can eat more than Kryten by more than he can out-eat Rimmer

d) None of the above

[cwickham]

THE FIVES SPECKS OF GRIT WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS

Unproduced 1991 Christmas special where Holly once again mistakenly thinks Red Dwarf is on a collision course with five specks of grit, and everyone has to evacuate at 11pm on Christmas Eve, ruining their plans for the holiday.

[cwickham]

[to be sung to the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”:] IT’S THE MOST DESIRABLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD

Unproduced Christmas special from 1990 where the Cat and Lister shag Wilma.

[cwickham]

THIS IS A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS! I’M ON THE RUN FROM FROM THE FASCIST POLICE WITH A MURDERER, A MASS-MURDERER AND A MAN IN A BRI-NYLON SHIRT

Unproduced 1992 Christmas special where the Dwarfers wake up and discover their lives were really an immersive video game, and they are actually elves in a stop-motion cartoon.

[cwickham]

CHEST AND SILLY OLD NIPPLES ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

Unproduced 1989 Christmas special where Hudzen comes back and destroys Red Dwarf in a fiery inferno. Not produced after the show got picked up for Series IV.

[cwickham]

THE LITTLE BOX THAT GOES FZZTTT OF DELIGHTS

Lister returns to Earth for the holidays, but meets a strange Punch and Judy man at the spaceport. Cole Hawlings entrusts his box to Lister, who goes on to have many adventures across time as he protects the box from Abner Brown, but it turns out to all be a dream after Lister had sixteen bottles of moonshine on Christmas Day.

[cwickham]

BEYOND A YOLK

Doug eats eggs.

[cwickham]

BEYOND A BOAK

Doug hires an incompetent former Doctor Who director.

[cwickham]

BEYOND A MOKE

Doug drives a comically small car.

[cwickham]

BEYOND A SOAK

Doug has a really, really long bath.

[cwickham]

SHROPSHIREOCRACY

Kryten is so shit at being Machine President he manages to lose re-election, despite such a thing being theoretically impossible since it’s never come up.

[cwickham]

TAKE CHRISTMAS, WHAT DID WE DO CHRISTMAS DAY?

Rimmer feigns amnesia over his illegal Christmas celebrations.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-EIGHT

The Skutters have been told to organise Rimmer’s back issues of Morris Dancer Monthly. They have a box with 113 monthly issues and 63 special editions in it, and a bag with another 72 monthly issues in it.

Every time they reach into the box, they pull out two issues. If they pull out a monthly issue and a special edition, they throw a special edition back into the box. If they’re both the same type, they throw a monthly issue back in. They keep doing this until there’s only one issue left in the box. What type of issue is it?

[cwickham]

OFFICER GB

Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as Andrew Neil.

[cwickham]

OFFICER S E-B

Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as the lead singer of theaudience.

[cwickham]

OFFICER FIFI

Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a poodle.

[cwickham]

OFFICER EEVEE

Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a Pokémon.

[cwickham]

OFFICER DEE-DEE

Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a character from Dexter’s Laboratory.

[cwickham]

OFFICER 10CC

Due to a misunderstanding over one of Cat’s lines in a Series VII script, Kochanski is recast as a rock band.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SEVEN

Whilst travelling through space in Starbug, Lister glances at the milometer to see how many billions of kilometres this Starbug has travelled. At the moment, the milometer reads 14941 billion kilometres. 14941 is, of course, a perfect palindrome.

Two hours later, Lister glances at the milometer again and sees that it now shows a new palindrome.

What was the average speed of the ship, in kilometres, in those two hours?

[cwickham]

LOCK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

Taylor Swift song about the latest threat to close the idea for an episode thread once and for all.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX

If Ian Symes is given an excuse to lock the thread at 9:48am, and it’s still open nearly four hours later, has he missed the window of opportunity where locking the thread will actually be funny?

[cwickham]

HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN CORRECT ANSWERS AND PARANOIA

Yes

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE TRICKY

Hoagy is difficult.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE LONELY

Hoagy is in solitude.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE ONLY

Hoagy is unique.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE FUCKMYARSEY

It’s page 125.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE FUNKY

Hoagy enjoys dancing to music.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE SMOKEY

Hoagy liks cigarettes.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE BLOKEY

Hoagy is crude.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE OK

Hoagy is basically fine.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE MOKE-Y

Hoagy drives a small car.

[cwickham]

HOAGY THE JOKEY

Hoagy is humorous.

[cwickham]

POGUEY THE ROGUEY

Hoagy replaces Shane MacGowan as a band’s lead singer.

[cwickham]

HOAGIE THE ROGUEY

Hoagy is a submarine sandwich.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE FOGEY

Hogey is old.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE VOGUEY

Hogey does a fashion shoot.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE ROGUE-ONEY

Hogey steals the blueprints for the Death Star.

[cwickham]

OKILY-DOKILY THE ROGUEY

Hogey is related to Ned Flanders.

[cwickham]

BOGEY THE ROGUEY

Hogey’s snotty cousin is introduced.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE YOKEY

Hogey is an egg now.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE WOKEY

Hogey is alert to racial and social injustices.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE COKEY

Hogey invents a dance, and names it after himself.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE POKEY

Hogey invades peoples’ personal spaces.

[cwickham]

HOGEY THE LOKI

The part of Hogey is recast to Tom Hiddleston.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE

Lister holds a race between all the Skutters. Unfortunately, he tries to get Holly to keep the results, and there’s a bit of a mix-up. All he knows is that the Skutter who came in three places in front of the Skutter who finished last came in two places ahead of the Skutter who came in seventh.

How many Skutters finished the race?

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FOUR

Starbug has a laser cannon which is tilted at a 45-degree angle. It is pointed in the direction of a GELF ship, which is chasing it across a planetoid with an Earth-like atmosphere. The cannon is fired, sending a laser bolt with a density of 6kg towards the GELF ship at a velocity of 300 metres per second.

The GELF ship’s side is sloped upwards at 30 degrees. Assuming that gravitational acceleration is 9.8 metres per second per second, and disregarding air resistance and the height of the cannon (in other words, assume the cannon opening is at elevation zero), at what elevation, in metres, will the laser bolt strike the side of the GELF ship? Please round to the nearest metre.

[cwickham]

HOW CAN YOU MANAGE TO MISS THE FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY?

Everyone realises they missed the five-year anniversary of the idea for an episode thread starting, and all the truly brilliant opportunities for puns based around the number five as a result.

[cwickham]

ANSWERS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE

cwickham is very pleased someone got that one right + praised the question to boot

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THREE

For Kryten’s latest experiment, he is decanting astro fuel into a flask. The flask is the shape of a pentagonal pyramid: the base is a regular pentagon, 15cm to a side, and the height of the “pyramid” is 32cm. Assume these measurements are for the interior of the bottle.

Assume the flow of liquid into the flask starts at zero and increases at a rate of 1 millilitre per second per second. How many seconds will it take to completely fill the flask? Please round to the nearest whole number.

[cwickham]

ANSWERS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO

cwickham wants to acknowledge someone getting the right answer but can’t think of a way to do so that really counts as an idea for an episode

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO

Lister and Rimmer play an extra-long, high-scoring game of Subbuteo. If 6 of the goals scored by Rimmer were instead scored by Lister, the game would have been tied. But if 6 of the goals scored by Lister were instead scored by Rimmer, Rimmer would have 4 times as many goals as Lister. How many goals did Rimmer score in this game?

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-ONE

Lister and Talkie Toaster are trapped in the garbage hold with nothing but a pack of cards. Lister comes up with a game: he draws a card from the top of the deck, and Talkie has to guess whether the next card will be higher or lower (aces are wild). For the first correct guess, Lister agrees to eat one piece of toast; for a second consecutive correct guess, two pieces of toast; three in a row correct is four pieces of toast; four correct is seven pieces of toast; and five correct is twelve pieces of toast.

If Talkie Toaster makes it through the entire deck of cards without guessing incorrectly once, how many pieces of toast will Lister have to eat?

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY

The Observation Dome is mounted to Red Dwarf’s exterior on a pole which is 13 cm in diameter and a perfect cylinder.  If one end of a 2300 cm long string is attached to the top of the pole, and wraps around the pole exactly 16 times before ending at the bottom of the pole, how tall is the pole to the nearest centimetre?

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-NINE

Kryten, Lister, Cat and Kochanski are trapped in the middle of Starbug’s ducts.

From where they are, there are 4 passageways, one going north, one south, one east and one west. 25 metres down each of these passageways is another 4-way intersection (also going north, south, east and west). 25 metres down each of those passageways is another 4-way intersection, and 25 metres down those passageways is another 4-way intersection, with passages going 25 metres in each direction.

Each passageway’s cross-section is a square, 3 metres tall and 3 metres wide. Assume that 25 metres is the exact distance between the centres of each intersection, and each intersection is a 3-metre by 3-metre square.

When the ductways get backwashed, how much water (in cubic metres) will be required to fill them to the ceiling?

[cwickham]

KND

The DNA machine comes back, and turns the Dwarfers into characters from a Cartoon Network series.

[cwickham]

KYD

The DNA machine comes back, and turns all Lister’s money into the currency of the Cayman Islands.

[cwickham]

DYK

The DNA machine comes back, but nobody knows about it.

[cwickham]

DIY

The DNA machine comes back, but with some assembly required.

[cwickham]

NO IT DIDN’T

[cwickham]

BABADOOK TO EARTH

“Back to Earth” torments the Dwarfers after they become aware of its existence.

[cwickham]

BABADOOK IN THE RED

The Polymorph torments the Dwarfers after they become aware of its existence.

[cwickham]

BABADOOK TO REALITY

The Dwarfers wake up to discover they are actually monsters in a children’s book.

[cwickham]

RTD²

When Chris Chibnall attempts to renew his contract as showrunner of Doctor Who, it turns out it’s actually a duplicate of the contract another showrunner signed in 2003 because everyone’s sick to death of him.

[cwickham]

CLIT OR SIS

Rimmer has to decide whether to commit incest or not.

[cwickham]

THE CLITORIS EMPIRE

Rimmer travels to an alternative reality where he is merely a fictional character in a TV show. He meets the actor who plays him and inexplicably mishears the name of the other sitcom he stars in.

[cwickham]

TYPOS IN CLUES IN THE RED

That r on the penultimate line should be a d, obviously

[cwickham]

CLUES IN THE RED

Let’s say that M is the amount of mess in the ship at the beginning of day 1, and d is the amount of mess generated by the Dwarfers in 1 day.

To get the amount of mess 1 Skutter can clean up per day, for the 48 Skutters over 90 days, we’d get (M + 90d)/(48*90)
To get the amount of mess 1 Skutter cleans per day, for the 120 Skutters over 30 days, we’d get (M + 30d)/(120*30)

Since the Skutters always clean the same amount, the two formulas are going to be equal.

120 * 30 = 3600, and 48 * 90 = 4320, so:

(M + 90r)/4320 = (M + 30d)/3600.

Solve for M, and we get M=270d, or d = M/270.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-EIGHT

The Skutters clean Red Dwarf at a constant rate, but the Dwarfers keep making a mess continuously.

48 Skutters can completely clean Red Dwarf from top to bottom in 90 days.

120 Skutters can completely clean Red Dwarf in 30 days.

How many Skutters would be needed to completely clean the ship in 16 days, rounded to the nearest whole Skutter?

[cwickham]

ROUT OF THE RED

Documentary on the defeat of communism.

[cwickham]

SHOUT OF THE RED

Lister is loud.

[cwickham]

POUT OF THE RED

Lister is all sulky.

[cwickham]

BOUT OF THE RED

A fight to the death occurs between Lenin and McCarthy.

[cwickham]

LOUT OF THE RED

Lister is loutish all over Red Dwarf.

[cwickham]

GOUT OF THE RED

Lister contracts a really bad case of inflammatory arthritis.

[cwickham]

BACKING OUT OF THE RED

Everyone leaves Red Dwarf very slowly and carefully.

[cwickham]

OUT OF THE RED

Accurate description of two of the best endings for the video game Papers, Please.

[cwickham]

OUT OF THE PIT

Doug accidentally hands in an old role-playing game book in place of his script for the new Red Dwarf special.

[cwickham]

PUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act sings about golf.

[cwickham]

MUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act sings under his breath.

[cwickham]

BUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act sings about dairy products.

[cwickham]

NUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act sings about mental illness with the same level of sensitivity as he did about people with speech impediments.

[cwickham]

CUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act sings about scissors.

[cwickham]

GUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act sings about drainage.

[cwickham]

SPLUTTER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act is unclear in what he says.

[cwickham]

STUTTER WRAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act releases a range of wrapping paper based on his hit single.

[cwickham]

SMUTTIER RAP

Red Dwarf’s warm-up act releases his X-rated follow-up to his hit single.

[cwickham]

OUT OF MATHS IN THE RED

Doug writes a 90-minute stage show revolving entirely around shit maths puzzles.

[Author]

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