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cwickhamParticipant
MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTYTWO
Rimmer is walking down B Deck one day when a Skutter appears in front of him at exactly 8:06 AM.
The next day, Rimmer is walking down B Deck again, and the same Skutter appears in front of him at exactly 6:03 PM.
The next day, the same thing happened at 11:05 AM.
The next three days were at 3:09 PM, 5:05 AM, and 4:01 AM.
What time did the Skutter appear in front of Rimmer on the seventh day?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTYONE
When the Dwarfers escaped from Asclepius’ space station, Starbug started at rest. Kryten immediately set the ship’s thrusters to full power, and Starbug’s acceleration increased by 2 m/s2 every second for 15 seconds. At that point, the ship remained at constant acceleration for another 30 seconds, after which the thrusters powered off, effectively setting acceleration to zero.
Disregarding any other forces acting on the ship, how far did Starbug travel after one minute? Please give your answer in metres, and round to the nearest whole number, if necessary.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY
Kryten, Lister, Rimmer and Cat decide to hold another Subbuteo roundrobin tournament.
After all the games were played, Kryten won all three of his games, scoring six goals in total while only conceding a single goal.
Lister won a single game, tied a game, and lost a game. He only scored two goals total, while giving up four goals.
Cat won a single game and lost two games. He only scored two goals total, while conceding two goals.
Rimmer did not win any games; he tied once and lost twice. He also only scored two goals, and gave up five goals.
What was the result and the scoreline for all six matches?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYNINE
On Legion’s space station is a library which contains every volume (1 through 9999) of the Complete History of the Universe. One of them contains the history of the creation of Legion himself, and Legion has a handy way to remember which volume it is.
The volume number is a fourdigit number, in which all four digits are unique. If you take the largest possible fourdigit number that can be made by rearranging the four digits, and you subtract from that the smallest possible fourdigit number that can be made by rearranging the four digits, the number you get is the volume number, but with the digits in reverse order.
Which volume number is it?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYEIGHT
Kochanski watches Hollister summon crew members into his office. She sees eight different crew members enter, and realises there is a pattern to their crew numbers:
408, 571, 332, 377, 577, 989, 664, ___
What number was the eighth crew member to enter Hollister’s office?
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT NO CAN GO FOR THAT
Lister throws out all his Hall & Oates albums.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT TAKE THAT
Well, we all can, surely.
cwickhamParticipantThe crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.
That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.
Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN GIVE AND TAKE WITHOUT THAT
Doug writes an episode based on his recent escapades with an organ shark.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE AND LET DIE WITHOUT THAT
Lister becomes the new James Bond.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE & DIE IN L.A. WITHOUT THAT
Lister stars in a neonoir action film.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE AND KICKING WITHOUT THAT
Lister appears on Saturday morning TV.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT I CAN’T LIVE IF LIVING IS WITHOUT YOU
Lister dislikes Harry Nilsson.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT T.A.T.U.
Lister dislikes Russian pop music.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT TAT
Lister prefers highquality merchandise.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT LATTE
All the coffee machines on Red Dwarf break down.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT FAT
Lister loses weight.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT HAT
Lister’s head is a bit cold, but not worryingly so.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT THAT
Lister’s appendix is removed again, but he is not concerned.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT GNAT
Lister squishes an insect.
cwickhamParticipantI CAN LIVE WITHOUT PAT
Lister catches up on three million years’ worth of EastEnders and discovers Pam St Clement’s character has been killed off.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYSEVEN
Kryten cleans out Lister’s sock drawer, and is left with exactly 31,416 tons of dirt.
After flushing it out the airlock, he decides to do it again the next day, and is left with exactly 40% of what he found the day before. He continues cleaning the drawer every day, and every day he ends up with exactly 40% of the amount of dirt he did the previous day.
If Kryten cleaned Lister’s sock drawer every day for 20 years, how many tons of dirt would he have to flush out the airlock, in total? Please round your answer to the nearest whole number.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYSIX
The chameleonic microbe comes across a planetoid. Its gravitational acceleration at its surface is exactly 10.0 metres per second per second, and its diameter is exactly 2100 kilometres.
The chameleonic microbe is able to consume about 0.4 kg of pretty much anything, every minute, nonstop.
Assuming that the density of the planetoid is uniform, and that orbiting bodies don’t significantly affect the planetoid’s gravity, how many years would it take one million microbes to consume one cubic kilometre of the planetoid?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYFIVE
Rimmer decides to sit his astronavs again, but Holly makes a mistake with the maths questions, and all the numbers are scrambled — but they are scrambled *consistently*, so for example all instances of the digit “2” would instead use the digit “7”… but that’s just an example.
Some examples of questions that end up in the exam are:
518 x 70 = 6270
6481 + 3294 = 32847
7221 x (3334 + 3666) = ?
Using this numbering system, what would be the answer to the last problem?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYFOUR
Lister and Rimmer’s bunkroom is 655 metres from Kryten’s storage cupboard, 393 metres from Cat’s bedroom, and 314 metres from Starbug’s landing bay. Cat’s bedroom is 236 metres from Starbug’s landing bay and 524 metres from Kryten’s storage cupboard.
Assuming the distance between Starbug’s landing bay and Kryten’s storage cupboard is less than the distance between Lister and Rimmer’s bunkroom and Kryten’s storage cupboard, what is the distance between Starbug’s landing bay and Kryten’s storage cupboard? Please round to the nearest metre.
cwickhamParticipantHEY NOW HEY NOW DON’T DREAM I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph disguises itself as an Australian rock band.
cwickhamParticipantIT ONLY TAKES A GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph disguises itself as an American soul music group.
cwickhamParticipantJUST A GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph drains the Dwarfers’ emotions without hesitation, repetition or deviation.
cwickhamParticipantFINE THE GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph is hit with a massive parking ticket.
cwickhamParticipantNEIN THE GENETIC MUTANT
The Dwarfers are fooled by the polymorph pretending to be German.
cwickhamParticipantMINE THE GENETIC MUTANT
The Dwarfers use antiquated explosives to blow up the polymorph.
cwickhamParticipantHI I’M THE SAM ETIC MUTANT
Dustin Hoffman provides the voice of the polymorph.
cwickhamParticipantWINE THE GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph gets drunk.
cwickhamParticipantVINE THE GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph joins social media.
cwickhamParticipantTIME THE GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph operates against the clock.
cwickhamParticipantHI MY ARSE I’M THE 120TH PAGE
Etc. etc.
cwickhamParticipantPRIME THE GENETIC MUTANT
The polymorph prepares itself.
cwickhamParticipantMIME THE GENETIC MUTANT
Cat impersonates the polymorph in a game of charades.
cwickhamParticipantSLIME THE GENETIC MUTANT
The Dwarfers defeat the polymorph by covering it in slime.
cwickhamParticipantDAIM THE GENETIC MUTANT
A brand of Swedish chocolate turns out to actually be an intelligent artificial lifeform.
cwickhamParticipantWHY I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT
Title of the polymorph’s tellall autobiography.
cwickhamParticipantLIE: I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT
Lister needlessly endangers everyone’s life by falsely claiming to be a polymorph.
cwickhamParticipantHI, I’M THE GHETTO ICK MUTANT
The polymorph is defeated by its allergy to boomboxes.
cwickhamParticipantHI, I’M THE GEPETTOIC MUTANT
The polymorph takes on the form of Pinocchio’s creator.
cwickhamParticipantHI, I’M THE SEMETIC MUTANT
The writer of Timewave turns his attention to antiJewish racism.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYTWO
There are two water tanks providing water on Red Dwarf: a primary water tank, which is a sphere with a 4.5 metre radius, and a much larger backup water tank.
After the joy squid incident, the primary water tank was emptied. The Dwarfers then have to carry bucketfuls of water from the larger backup water tank to the primary water tank.
The Dwarfers want the tank filled so that the water is exactly 6.5 metres deep at the centre. If one bucket of water holds exactly 10 litres, how many bucketfuls of water are required to fill the tank to the required depth?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTYONE
Five GELFs took turns weighing themselves on a scale. However, they weighed each other two at a time, ten times total, so that every possible combination of two GELFs was weighed. The scale had the following readouts for the pairs: 236 pounds, 244 pounds, 228 pounds, 250 pounds, 258 pounds, 230 pounds, 246 pounds, 238 pounds, 242 pounds, and 252 pounds.
How heavy was the heaviest GELF?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY
Holly is malfunctioning, so Lister asks him how he’s feeling. The following appears on all the screens:
07AB59
D51503
FE9C09
807981
18850C
FDFD24How is Holly feeling?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYNINE
Assume the moon Red Dwarf is currently orbiting is a spherical moon with a diameter of 1600 km with a uniform density of 5200 kilograms per cubic metre.
If Red Dwarf is in a circular orbit 630 km above the moon, what is its orbital velocity in metres per second? Please round up to the nearest whole number.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYEIGHT
Holly is thinking of a number. The number has 6 digits, its digital root is 43, it is a square number, it is a cube number, and the number is under 500000. He challenges Rimmer to guess what it is, but realises too late that one of the pieces of information about the number he’s given him is wrong. He decides not to correct himself.
What is the number?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYSEVEN
On the first day of the month, Red Dwarf is attacked by 13 GELFs. On the second day, it is attacked by 14 GELFs. On the third day, it is attacked by 95 GELFs. On the fourth day, it is attacked by 62 GELFs.
By the twentieth day of the month, how many GELFs have attacked Red Dwarf in total this month?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYSIX
Holly is checking his speech recognition software is fully functioning. First, he says “1”. Next, he says “11”. Then, “21”, “1,211”, and “111,221”.
What does he say next?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYFIVE
Lister accidentally locks all of Red Dwarf’s computer terminals. He gets the operating manual to try and work out how to unlock the system.
The manual doesn’t give full instructions, but does have some examples. When Lister tries to unlock the computers, he will be shown two numbers. If 1 and 2 appear on the screen, he should type in 9 to unlock the system. If 3 and 4 appeared, he should type in 20. If 5 and 6 appear, he should type in 12.
Lister tries to operate the nearest computer. The numbers 17 and 12 appear on the screen. What number does he need to type in?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYFOUR
Rimmer decides to break into the exam officers’ quarters to try and see the answers to the next astronavigation exams.
He discovers the answers are kept in a safe with a combination lock that goes from 0 to 59. However, he doesn’t know if there are three or four numbers in the combination, or even which direction to turn the wheel in.
If it takes him 15 seconds to try one combination, how long will it take him to try every possible combination?
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL ZIP
Cat remembers to do his flies up.
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL SIP
Cat has a small amount of his beverage.
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL RIP
Cat tears things up.
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL LIP
Cat gets collagen injections.
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL HIP
Cat gets a hip replacement.
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL DIP
Cat moves to Yorkshire.
cwickhamParticipantALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL TIP
Cat starts a highly successful rubbish dump.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYTHREE
A Skutter is in the centre of a bunkroom that measures 10 feet by 10 feet, and its onboard camera is focused directly at the centre of the east wall. Assume that the Skutter is one foot in length, and that the Skutter’s camera is three inches in diameter, and that the Skutter has a 140 degree field of vision.
To the nearest whole number, what percentage of the room falls within the Skutter’s view?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTYONE
Rimmer wants 20 of the decks mopped, and initially sends out four of the Skutters to do it. Due to his impatience, every ten minutes he sends out another Skutter to help.
If it takes one Skutter 30 minutes to mop onethird of a deck, how long will it take until all 20 decks are mopped?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY
Lister and Rimmer are playing Mineopoly, but at a crucial point of the game, Lister substitutes his dice for a loaded pair. The two dice cannot ever roll a one or a two, and if they would normally do so they will end up on 6 instead.
Unbeknownst to him, Lister has weighted the dice with an experimental and unstable metal Kryten has been experimenting with. After the first two rolls of the first die, the metal will have decayed so much that it is no longer effective and it will function as an ordinary die. The second die will be weighted for its first three rolls.
Lister needs to roll an 11 to win, and he needs to get it within his next four rolls. What are the odds of this happening?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYNINE
Kryten is mopping B Deck, and walks 100 metres in a certain direction. He stops for a while, ponders, and then walks another 50 metres. He then stops, looks up in the air, looks down and walks 50 metres.
Kryten then turns 90 degrees and walks another 100 metres. He rests for a while, then turns another 90 degrees and walks 100 metres. He then mops a particularly stubborn stain for a while, rotates 90 degrees and walks 50 metres.
Suddenly, Kryten realises that he has missed a spot. He turns towards his starting point, walks thirty metres, and then stops.
During his journey, what was the furthest distance he could have been away from his starting point?
cwickhamParticipantWELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, STAR COPS
Kryten goes back in time to 1987 and invents a shortlived science fiction drama series.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYEIGHT
Captain Hollister buys a new, upgraded model of Skutter which is guaranteed to travel 10km on a single battery. For the test run, he places it on a specially designed 1metre radius circular track. It starts moving, completing one lap of the track every 20 seconds. Three hours in, Hollister increases its speed by five times. From the moment Hollister first started it running, how long will it take for the Skutter to run out of battery?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYSEVEN
The chameleonic microbe, when it first infects Red Dwarf, measures one inch cubed, but doubles in volume every 30 minutes. The escape pod it arrived in is 50 metres high, 100 metres deep and 75 metres wide (a perfect cuboid).
How long will it take for the microbe to completely consume the escape pod?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYSIX
Red Dwarf is boarded by a group of GELFs who take up residence in the cargo bay and send a video message saying that they refuse to leave until they’re all fed equally. In the darkness of the cargo bay, the Dwarfers cannot tell how many GELFs there are, and Holly can only tell that there are between one and six GELFs.
The Dwarfers decide to get some sandwiches out of the deep freeze on Cargo Bay F. What is the smallest amount of sandwiches they can get that will divide equally between the GELFs, with none left over, irrespective of however many GELFs there turn out to be?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYFIVE
When the nanobots reconstructed Red Dwarf, it increased in number of floors from 300 to 400. For every new level, the nanobots had to construct a sign with that floor’s number on it.
How many times did the nanobots have to make the number ‘3’?
cwickhamParticipantGORDON TIME!
Gordon Kennedy demands to know why he wasn’t included in the last four ideas for episodes.
cwickhamParticipantBAHA MEN TIME!
Gordon Kennedy records a cover of “Who Let the Dogs Out” which reaches 658 in the charts.
cwickhamParticipantBAHAMA
The karma drive comes back and sends everyone to the Bahamas.
cwickhamParticipantPEE ON TOAST
Lister runs out of toilet paper.
cwickhamParticipantBBQ
The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into perfectly grilled meat.
cwickhamParticipant1AM
The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into an air mechanic 1st class.
cwickhamParticipantBRB
The DNA machine promises to return soon.
cwickhamParticipantSING US A SONG, WAFFLE MAN
Billy Joel guest stars on the latest DwarfCast.
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYTHREE
Holly claims that during the three million years Lister was in stasis, he stayed sane by doing Su Doku puzzles. In fact, he eventually completed every valid Su Doku puzzle there is – that is, every 9×9 grid where the numbers 19 appear only once in each 3×3 block, each line and each row – manually.
How many Su Doku puzzles would that be, and how long would it have to take Holly to complete each one on average to do them all in three million years?
cwickhamParticipantMATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTYTWO
If a football in a game of zerogee football (with a radius of about 11cm) hits the goalpost (with a width of about 12cm) whilst moving at 90 degrees from the touchline, what are the chances that it goes into the goal?
cwickhamParticipantFOUR… (MAYBE FIVE) DAYS
G&T Admins blissfully remember the brief respite.
cwickhamParticipantSILEECONIA
The Dwarfers’ minds are uploaded into the body of an antivaccination wanker.
cwickhamParticipantHURSTICE
Kryten persuades the Justice Computer to suspend Lee Hurst’s Twitter account.
cwickhamParticipantQUAIL
Norman Lovett loses courage.
cwickhamParticipantQUIFF
Norman Lovett unveils a new hairstyle.
cwickhamParticipantQ
Norman Lovett takes on a recurring role in the James Bond movies.
cwickhamParticipantQUEUE
Norman Lovett waits for ages to be let into the studio.
cwickhamParticipantQI
Norman Lovett makes an appearance on a factsbased panel show.
cwickhamParticipantQUID
Norman Lovett is conned into returning to Red Dwarf at a significantly reduced salary of £1.
cwickhamParticipantQUINT
Queeg returns five times simultaneously.
cwickhamParticipantQUEK
Queeg returns, in the form of an Olympic hockey player.
cwickhamParticipantI’VE ALWAYS HAD A BIT OF A BLIND SPOT WITH ONE HUNDREDS, TENS AND SEVENS
G&T Admin wishes he could skip over the next page of the “Idea for an episode” thread.
cwickhamParticipantGIVE AND LAKERS
Lister has his kidneys removed and replaced with a basketball team.
cwickhamParticipantGIVE AND LAKE
Lister has his kidneys removed and replaced with a large body of water.
cwickhamParticipantLICKS OF THE BEST
Cat drinks a saucer of really highquality milk.
cwickhamParticipantBICS OF THE BEST
Rimmer gets some really highquality pens.
cwickhamParticipantTICKS OF THE BEST
Cat gets some really highquality fleas.
cwickhamParticipantSIX OF THE BEST
What will in no way be provided to finish off page 116.
cwickhamParticipantLUNNPOLYMORPH
A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into travel agents is discovered.
cwickhamParticipantPOLYWORF
A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into a Star Trek character is discovered.

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