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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-TWO

Rimmer is walking down B Deck one day when a Skutter appears in front of him at exactly 8:06 AM.

The next day, Rimmer is walking down B Deck again, and the same Skutter appears in front of him at exactly 6:03 PM.

The next day, the same thing happened at 11:05 AM.

The next three days were at 3:09 PM, 5:05 AM, and 4:01 AM.

What time did the Skutter appear in front of Rimmer on the seventh day?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE

When the Dwarfers escaped from Asclepius’ space station, Starbug started at rest. Kryten immediately set the ship’s thrusters to full power, and Starbug’s acceleration increased by 2 m/s2 every second for 15 seconds. At that point, the ship remained at constant acceleration for another 30 seconds, after which the thrusters powered off, effectively setting acceleration to zero.

Disregarding any other forces acting on the ship, how far did Starbug travel after one minute? Please give your answer in metres, and round to the nearest whole number, if necessary.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY

Kryten, Lister, Rimmer and Cat decide to hold another Subbuteo round-robin tournament.

After all the games were played, Kryten won all three of his games, scoring six goals in total while only conceding a single goal.

Lister won a single game, tied a game, and lost a game. He only scored two goals total, while giving up four goals.

Cat won a single game and lost two games. He only scored two goals total, while conceding two goals.

Rimmer did not win any games; he tied once and lost twice. He also only scored two goals, and gave up five goals.

What was the result and the scoreline for all six matches?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINE

On Legion’s space station is a library which contains every volume (1 through 9999) of the Complete History of the Universe. One of them contains the history of the creation of Legion himself, and Legion has a handy way to remember which volume it is.

The volume number is a four-digit number, in which all four digits are unique. If you take the largest possible four-digit number that can be made by rearranging the four digits, and you subtract from that the smallest possible four-digit number that can be made by rearranging the four digits, the number you get is the volume number, but with the digits in reverse order.

Which volume number is it?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHT

Kochanski watches Hollister summon crew members into his office. She sees eight different crew members enter, and realises there is a pattern to their crew numbers:

408, 571, 332, 377, 577, 989, 664, ___

What number was the eighth crew member to enter Hollister’s office?

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT NO CAN GO FOR THAT

Lister throws out all his Hall & Oates albums.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT TAKE THAT

Well, we all can, surely.

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The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

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I CAN GIVE AND TAKE WITHOUT THAT

Doug writes an episode based on his recent escapades with an organ shark.

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I CAN LIVE AND LET DIE WITHOUT THAT

Lister becomes the new James Bond.

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I CAN LIVE & DIE IN L.A. WITHOUT THAT

Lister stars in a neo-noir action film.

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I CAN LIVE AND KICKING WITHOUT THAT

Lister appears on Saturday morning TV.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT I CAN’T LIVE IF LIVING IS WITHOUT YOU

Lister dislikes Harry Nilsson.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT T.A.T.U.

Lister dislikes Russian pop music.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT TAT

Lister prefers high-quality merchandise.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT LATTE

All the coffee machines on Red Dwarf break down.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT FAT

Lister loses weight.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HAT

Lister’s head is a bit cold, but not worryingly so.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT THAT

Lister’s appendix is removed again, but he is not concerned.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT GNAT

Lister squishes an insect.

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I CAN LIVE WITHOUT PAT

Lister catches up on three million years’ worth of EastEnders and discovers Pam St Clement’s character has been killed off.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN

Kryten cleans out Lister’s sock drawer, and is left with exactly 31,416 tons of dirt.

After flushing it out the airlock, he decides to do it again the next day, and is left with exactly 40% of what he found the day before. He continues cleaning the drawer every day, and every day he ends up with exactly 40% of the amount of dirt he did the previous day.

If Kryten cleaned Lister’s sock drawer every day for 20 years, how many tons of dirt would he have to flush out the airlock, in total? Please round your answer to the nearest whole number.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIX

The chameleonic microbe comes across a planetoid. Its gravitational acceleration at its surface is exactly 10.0 metres per second per second, and its diameter is exactly 2100 kilometres.

The chameleonic microbe is able to consume about 0.4 kg of pretty much anything, every minute, nonstop.

Assuming that the density of the planetoid is uniform, and that orbiting bodies don’t significantly affect the planetoid’s gravity, how many years would it take one million microbes to consume one cubic kilometre of the planetoid?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE

Rimmer decides to sit his astronavs again, but Holly makes a mistake with the maths questions, and all the numbers are scrambled — but they are scrambled *consistently*, so for example all instances of the digit “2” would instead use the digit “7”… but that’s just an example.

Some examples of questions that end up in the exam are:

518 x 70 = 6270

6481 + 3294 = 32847

7221 x (3334 + 3666) = ?

Using this numbering system, what would be the answer to the last problem?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR

Lister and Rimmer’s bunkroom is 655 metres from Kryten’s storage cupboard, 393 metres from Cat’s bedroom, and 314 metres from Starbug’s landing bay. Cat’s bedroom is 236 metres from Starbug’s landing bay and 524 metres from Kryten’s storage cupboard.

Assuming the distance between Starbug’s landing bay and Kryten’s storage cupboard is less than the distance between Lister and Rimmer’s bunkroom and Kryten’s storage cupboard, what is the distance between Starbug’s landing bay and Kryten’s storage cupboard? Please round to the nearest metre.

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HEY NOW HEY NOW DON’T DREAM I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph disguises itself as an Australian rock band.

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IT ONLY TAKES A GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph disguises itself as an American soul music group.

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JUST A GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph drains the Dwarfers’ emotions without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

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FINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph is hit with a massive parking ticket.

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NEIN THE GENETIC MUTANT

The Dwarfers are fooled by the polymorph pretending to be German.

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MINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

The Dwarfers use antiquated explosives to blow up the polymorph.

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HI I’M THE SAM ETIC MUTANT

Dustin Hoffman provides the voice of the polymorph.

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WINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph gets drunk.

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VINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph joins social media.

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TIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph operates against the clock.

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HI MY ARSE I’M THE 120TH PAGE

Etc. etc.

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PRIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

The polymorph prepares itself.

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MIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

Cat impersonates the polymorph in a game of charades.

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SLIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

The Dwarfers defeat the polymorph by covering it in slime.

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DAIM THE GENETIC MUTANT

A brand of Swedish chocolate turns out to actually be an intelligent artificial lifeform.

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WHY I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

Title of the polymorph’s tell-all autobiography.

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LIE: I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

Lister needlessly endangers everyone’s life by falsely claiming to be a polymorph.

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HI, I’M THE GHETTO ICK MUTANT

The polymorph is defeated by its allergy to boomboxes.

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HI, I’M THE GEPETTO-IC MUTANT

The polymorph takes on the form of Pinocchio’s creator.

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HI, I’M THE SEMETIC MUTANT

The writer of Timewave turns his attention to anti-Jewish racism.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWO

There are two water tanks providing water on Red Dwarf: a primary water tank, which is a sphere with a 4.5 metre radius, and a much larger backup water tank.

After the joy squid incident, the primary water tank was emptied. The Dwarfers then have to carry bucketfuls of water from the larger backup water tank to the primary water tank.

The Dwarfers want the tank filled so that the water is exactly 6.5 metres deep at the centre. If one bucket of water holds exactly 10 litres, how many bucketfuls of water are required to fill the tank to the required depth?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE

Five GELFs took turns weighing themselves on a scale. However, they weighed each other two at a time, ten times total, so that every possible combination of two GELFs was weighed. The scale had the following readouts for the pairs: 236 pounds, 244 pounds, 228 pounds, 250 pounds, 258 pounds, 230 pounds, 246 pounds, 238 pounds, 242 pounds, and 252 pounds.

How heavy was the heaviest GELF?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY

Holly is malfunctioning, so Lister asks him how he’s feeling. The following appears on all the screens:

07AB59
D51503
FE9C09
807981
18850C
FDFD24

How is Holly feeling?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-NINE

Assume the moon Red Dwarf is currently orbiting is a spherical moon with a diameter of 1600 km with a uniform density of 5200 kilograms per cubic metre.

If Red Dwarf is in a circular orbit 630 km above the moon, what is its orbital velocity in metres per second? Please round up to the nearest whole number.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-EIGHT

Holly is thinking of a number. The number has 6 digits, its digital root is 43, it is a square number, it is a cube number, and the number is under 500000. He challenges Rimmer to guess what it is, but realises too late that one of the pieces of information about the number he’s given him is wrong. He decides not to correct himself.

What is the number?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SEVEN

On the first day of the month, Red Dwarf is attacked by 13 GELFs. On the second day, it is attacked by 14 GELFs. On the third day, it is attacked by 95 GELFs. On the fourth day, it is attacked by 62 GELFs.

By the twentieth day of the month, how many GELFs have attacked Red Dwarf in total this month?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX

Holly is checking his speech recognition software is fully functioning. First, he says “1”. Next, he says “11”. Then, “21”, “1,211”, and “111,221”.

What does he say next?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE

Lister accidentally locks all of Red Dwarf’s computer terminals. He gets the operating manual to try and work out how to unlock the system.

The manual doesn’t give full instructions, but does have some examples. When Lister tries to unlock the computers, he will be shown two numbers. If 1 and 2 appear on the screen, he should type in 9 to unlock the system. If 3 and 4 appeared, he should type in 20. If 5 and 6 appear, he should type in 12.

Lister tries to operate the nearest computer. The numbers 17 and 12 appear on the screen. What number does he need to type in?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR

Rimmer decides to break into the exam officers’ quarters to try and see the answers to the next astro-navigation exams.

He discovers the answers are kept in a safe with a combination lock that goes from 0 to 59. However, he doesn’t know if there are three or four numbers in the combination, or even which direction to turn the wheel in.

If it takes him 15 seconds to try one combination, how long will it take him to try every possible combination?

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL ZIP

Cat remembers to do his flies up.

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL SIP

Cat has a small amount of his beverage.

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL RIP

Cat tears things up.

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL LIP

Cat gets collagen injections.

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL HIP

Cat gets a hip replacement.

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL DIP

Cat moves to Yorkshire.

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ALL IN ALL, A 100% SUCCESSFUL TIP

Cat starts a highly successful rubbish dump.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE

A Skutter is in the centre of a bunkroom that measures 10 feet by 10 feet, and its onboard camera is focused directly at the centre of the east wall. Assume that the Skutter is one foot in length, and that the Skutter’s camera is three inches in diameter, and that the Skutter has a 140 degree field of vision.

To the nearest whole number, what percentage of the room falls within the Skutter’s view?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-ONE

Rimmer wants 20 of the decks mopped, and initially sends out four of the Skutters to do it. Due to his impatience, every ten minutes he sends out another Skutter to help.

If it takes one Skutter 30 minutes to mop one-third of a deck, how long will it take until all 20 decks are mopped?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY

Lister and Rimmer are playing Mine-opoly, but at a crucial point of the game, Lister substitutes his dice for a loaded pair. The two dice cannot ever roll a one or a two, and if they would normally do so they will end up on 6 instead.

Unbeknownst to him, Lister has weighted the dice with an experimental and unstable metal Kryten has been experimenting with. After the first two rolls of the first die, the metal will have decayed so much that it is no longer effective and it will function as an ordinary die. The second die will be weighted for its first three rolls.

Lister needs to roll an 11 to win, and he needs to get it within his next four rolls. What are the odds of this happening?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE

Kryten is mopping B Deck, and walks 100 metres in a certain direction. He stops for a while, ponders, and then walks another 50 metres. He then stops, looks up in the air, looks down and walks 50 metres.

Kryten then turns 90 degrees and walks another 100 metres. He rests for a while, then turns another 90 degrees and walks 100 metres. He then mops a particularly stubborn stain for a while, rotates 90 degrees and walks 50 metres.

Suddenly, Kryten realises that he has missed a spot. He turns towards his starting point, walks thirty metres, and then stops.

During his journey, what was the furthest distance he could have been away from his starting point?

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WELL, TO COIN A PHRASE, STAR COPS

Kryten goes back in time to 1987 and invents a short-lived science fiction drama series.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT

Captain Hollister buys a new, upgraded model of Skutter which is guaranteed to travel 10km on a single battery. For the test run, he places it on a specially designed 1-metre radius circular track. It starts moving, completing one lap of the track every 20 seconds. Three hours in, Hollister increases its speed by five times. From the moment Hollister first started it running, how long will it take for the Skutter to run out of battery?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN

The chameleonic microbe, when it first infects Red Dwarf, measures one inch cubed, but doubles in volume every 30 minutes. The escape pod it arrived in is 50 metres high, 100 metres deep and 75 metres wide (a perfect cuboid).

How long will it take for the microbe to completely consume the escape pod?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX

Red Dwarf is boarded by a group of GELFs who take up residence in the cargo bay and send a video message saying that they refuse to leave until they’re all fed equally. In the darkness of the cargo bay, the Dwarfers cannot tell how many GELFs there are, and Holly can only tell that there are between one and six GELFs.

The Dwarfers decide to get some sandwiches out of the deep freeze on Cargo Bay F. What is the smallest amount of sandwiches they can get that will divide equally between the GELFs, with none left over, irrespective of however many GELFs there turn out to be?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE

When the nanobots reconstructed Red Dwarf, it increased in number of floors from 300 to 400. For every new level, the nanobots had to construct a sign with that floor’s number on it.

How many times did the nanobots have to make the number ‘3’?

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GORDON TIME!

Gordon Kennedy demands to know why he wasn’t included in the last four ideas for episodes.

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BAHA MEN TIME!

Gordon Kennedy records a cover of “Who Let the Dogs Out” which reaches 658 in the charts.

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BAHAMA

The karma drive comes back and sends everyone to the Bahamas.

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PEE ON TOAST

Lister runs out of toilet paper.

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BBQ

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into perfectly grilled meat.

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1AM

The DNA machine comes back, and turns Lister into an air mechanic 1st class.

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BRB

The DNA machine promises to return soon.

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SING US A SONG, WAFFLE MAN

Billy Joel guest stars on the latest DwarfCast.

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-THREE

Holly claims that during the three million years Lister was in stasis, he stayed sane by doing Su Doku puzzles. In fact, he eventually completed every valid Su Doku puzzle there is – that is, every 9×9 grid where the numbers 1-9 appear only once in each 3×3 block, each line and each row – manually.

How many Su Doku puzzles would that be, and how long would it have to take Holly to complete each one on average to do them all in three million years?

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MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO

If a football in a game of zero-gee football (with a radius of about 11cm) hits the goalpost (with a width of about 12cm) whilst moving at 90 degrees from the touchline, what are the chances that it goes into the goal?

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FOUR… (MAYBE FIVE) DAYS

G&T Admins blissfully remember the brief respite.

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SILEECONIA

The Dwarfers’ minds are uploaded into the body of an anti-vaccination wanker.

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HURSTICE

Kryten persuades the Justice Computer to suspend Lee Hurst’s Twitter account.

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QUAIL

Norman Lovett loses courage.

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QUIFF

Norman Lovett unveils a new hairstyle.

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Q

Norman Lovett takes on a recurring role in the James Bond movies.

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QUEUE

Norman Lovett waits for ages to be let into the studio.

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QI

Norman Lovett makes an appearance on a facts-based panel show.

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QUID

Norman Lovett is conned into returning to Red Dwarf at a significantly reduced salary of £1.

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QUINT

Queeg returns five times simultaneously.

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QUEK

Queeg returns, in the form of an Olympic hockey player.

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I’VE ALWAYS HAD A BIT OF A BLIND SPOT WITH ONE HUNDREDS, TENS AND SEVENS

G&T Admin wishes he could skip over the next page of the “Idea for an episode” thread.

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GIVE AND LAKERS

Lister has his kidneys removed and replaced with a basketball team.

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GIVE AND LAKE

Lister has his kidneys removed and replaced with a large body of water.

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LICKS OF THE BEST

Cat drinks a saucer of really high-quality milk.

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BICS OF THE BEST

Rimmer gets some really high-quality pens.

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TICKS OF THE BEST

Cat gets some really high-quality fleas.

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SIX OF THE BEST

What will in no way be provided to finish off page 116.

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LUNNPOLYMORPH

A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into travel agents is discovered.

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POLYWORF

A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into a Star Trek character is discovered.

[Author]

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