Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Rubber]

‘Allo ‘Alloship

The crew find themselves in occupied France in World War II, where they are shot

[Rubber]

Mmmm, Cor!

Rimmer and Cat realise they have much fitter bodies than their crewmates and start working out together and having gay sex with each other and nobody can really object to it even though it makes them feel a bit uncomfortable and Kryten calls Cat a necro and Rimmer punches him and Kryten bleeds blood from his nose and they realise it was just a man in a costume all along and jettison him into space and Rimmer rims Cat in the bottom bunk while Lister tries to get to sleep in the top one but can’t because of the little lapping noises

[clem]

And the Cat says “Good crispies, man!”

[flanl3]

THE INK-WHIZZING DOOR:

We open on an explicit sex scene on one of Red Dwarf’s rarely visited floors between a despair squid and a polymorph. It ends with a baby squidymorph squirming its way out of the polymorph, which shapeshifted to a vagina for these purposes. The crew don’t suspect anything when the bunkroom suddenly has a functioning door again until one time they nearly stab it by accident and it pisses ink everywhere, but was it an accident?

[Rubber]

Listerine

Starbug crashes and Lister’s cock is completely severed by a splinter of windscreen glass. Back on the Dwarf, Lister has a sex change and becomes a woman called Listerine. He pretends he really wants to be a girl but actually it’s just because he feels less manly without his cock although of course he isn’t, gender is in the mind and not the body. His crewmates are supportive of the transition and he gets lots of nice cards from them.

[Ben Paddon]

BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED

The ship returns to Earth, where Lister discovers that Norweb Federation goof from Series 1 wasn’t quite the Aprils Fools jape Holly made it out to be at the time.

[Dave]

BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED TO REALITY

Holly reveals that the events of BACK TO EARTH IN THE RED were actually just an elaborate ruse on his part and the whole thing *was* an April Fool after all, thus restoring the joke.

[Rubber]

Back to Earth in the Red to Reality Wards

And then they do some hospital visits and give Christmas toys to little kiddies with cancer.

[bloodteller]

BLIGHTY TV- the crew manage to pick up some BBC2 broadcasts from the late 90s. to their shock they see some crude impersonators of themselves doing a game of basketball in prison and wearing all horrid yellow outfits as well as kryten abusing women

[bloodteller]

NIGHTIE TV- kochanski watches some telly in her nightwear

[bloodteller]

KNIGHTY TV- one of the knights has escaped the bloody AR machine again and has started his own show where he stares at women in the shower. lister thwarts the evil knight by making him stand under a showerhead til he rusts and dies

[Rubber]

Aphrodite TV

Lister puts on a dress and sings songs from Kylie’s 11th studio album. Meanwhile, Cat has a wank.

[Ben Saunders]

The Spanish Inquisitor

Nobody expects The Spanish Inquisitor

[flanl3]

UKIE TV:

The BBC are no longer interested in the audiences Krytie TV used to attract, so another channel picks it up, and the BBC get jealous and try to buy the channel.

[Dave]

SHITE-Y TV

The same as Krytie TV, but with a more honest name.

[Rubber]

TV Krytie

Kryten starts dressing as a woman but nobody notices because female mechanoids basically dress the same as male ones. Meanwhile,

[Rubber]

Black Wards

The Dwarfers visit a hospital in 20th century America where Kevin Eldon ensured the civil rights movement never happened for unobvious reasons

[Rubber]

Red Dwarf Ex

Rimmer’s dead, so they exorcise him. Lister’s fat, so they exercise him.

[Rubber]

A Very Starbug Christmas

Starbug croons Christmas standards for an hour and a half while Blue Midget does interpretative dance in the background to remind us of the less fortunate at this special time of year. Guest starring Seth MacFarlane as Voice of Starsmug.

[Rubber]

Kristmas Kochanski

Kochanski gets pregnant without having proper sex and has a baby which is generally considered to be the son of God and of course it’s also Lister, Lister is therefore the son of God by common consent although where’s the actual proof well he’s the god of the Cat people and thanks to the Trinity or whatever that kind of proves it because God is His son and His son is God or some such caveat and although these are different branches of faith they sort of work together and the whole thing seems very watertight or at least watertight enough for it to spawn a bunch of religions and so all are strong of faith and Christmas is a legitimate day off work although the actual date may be a bit wrong but it’s close enough and this is quite an unusual episode of Red Dwarf tbh, it’s good that they’re trying new things though.

[flanl3]

LAST HUMAN:

Lister finally realizes that he is not the last human alive, although he is likely the last human ever conceived. Also, wait a moment, even if we just take his ‘last human’ line from Skipper to mean that he’s the last one he’s aware of and technically therefore could be the last one, does that mean that they have found Kochanski confirmably dead off-screen, or is that just an indicationthat he knows she could have not survived for a while out there in space, and has accepted it?

[Dave]

LAST POO-MAN

When Lister gets an extended bout of constipation he becomes depressed at the thought that he may have shitted his last shit, and thus become the last human being in history to have done a ‘number two’. While Kryten is pleased to not have to clean Mr Lister’s skids and scrub his toilet-pans, he simply cannot bear to see him so distraught. So he slips a laxative into his hot chocolate. But when Rimmer switches the cups and Cat drinks from Lister’s

[Dave]

mug, the feisty feline discovers what shirt tails are for. Oh, and there’s a toilet-roll shortage.

[Dave]

CACK TO REALITY

Lister suddenly recovers from his constipation.

[Ridley]

BACK IN THE RED CHRISTMAS

Hogey the Poguey. #You Gwenlan, you smegger, you keelled my brother…

[Dave]

SHOWADDYWADDY BOP

When Lister agrees to have Rimmer’s mind transplanted into his body, he is horrified when the first thing Rimmer does is make Lister’s body listen to some crap 1950s Rock’n’roll covers as recorded by a 1970s novelty act from Leicester.

[Hamish]

> Ouroboroz … etc… etc… etc…

UKTV G2’s 110% Dwarf Weekend

[Rubber]

They used a time machine to travel to the future and stole my idea?!

[Hamish]

Steal Me From Rubber

UKTV G2 uses a time machine to go ten years into the future to steal the idea of a Wizard of Oz Red Dwarf parody from a forum poster most known for posting episode ideas featuring lurid descriptions sexual debauchery.

Meanwhile, stuff on Red Dwarf happens.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE THREAD: PART THREE

G&T forum members desperately keep posting in the “idea for an episode” thread in the hope of reaching 1,000 posts and thus triggering a third page.

But was it an accident?

[Rubber]

Back in the Thread: Part 828

The continuum continuums. Meanwhile, a ghost takes over a leisure centre.

[bloodteller]

DRIVEN TAKE- lister needs some balm for his chapped lips so he nips down to Boots to get some but its a long way so rimmer takes him there by driving him in his new ford escort

[Dave]

GOVE & SAKE

On a diplomatic visit to Japan, the current Environment Secretary gets pissed.

[bloodteller]

FETA BREAD THAN SMEG- The crew are faced with a tough choice- eat some greek cheese on a lovely slice of granary, or willingly eat their own smeg? They all choose the former when nobody can agree on what “smeg” is.

[bloodteller]

FLORASHIP- The crew find a ship made entirely out of butter. Rimmer is creamed onboard.

[bloodteller]

DIMENSIONS IN TIME JUMP- The crew are hurled back in time to 1993 where they star in that bloody awful Doctor Who special where they were all on Eastenders or something.

Some 16 years later, the crew all appear on Coronation Street and realise they have sunk just as low.

[Pete Part Three]

Tits

[flanl3]

NIPEN TAKE:

nipster nips some balm for his nipped nips so he nips down to Nips to get some but its a long way so nipper nips him there by nipping him in his nip ford nipscort

[Hamish]

Nippon Take

The Dwarfers go back to Japan in the year 2009 to meet the actors that play them in the Japanese dub of the show. Then Richard O’Callaghan shows up and shoots them all, and they start recreating scenes from the 80’s science fiction visual blockbuster Akira for no good reason at all.

[Dave]

BACK IN A BIT

Compilation of all the adverts shown during the ad breaks in the Dave era.

[Ben Saunders]

LAST YOOMAN

Craig Charles’ Liverpudlian accent makes a reappearance

[Rubber]

Ghostwatch

Sarah Greene spends the night with Rimmer in a council house in north London while Lister twats about outside.

[flanl3]

BETTER THAN ‘LIKE’:

Kryten expresses his true feelings for Lister. Meanwhile, Cat ends up dead with forty-five knives in all parts of his body, and the CCTV footage shows that Rimmer hurled them all at him while shrieking “die, die, you fucking twat! rot in hell, you cloche-shaped welt on the reputation of this crew! die, die!,” but was it an accident?

[Dave]

HAMILLE

When the crew of Red Dwarf encounter a shape-shifting alien, everyone sees it as something different. Lister sees it as Luke Skywalker; Rimmer sees it as the Joker from Batman: The Animated Series; Kryten sees it as Will Tasker from Slipstream; and Cat sees it as that guy out of the Wing Commander games.

[Dave]

And that one.

[Rubber]

The And

Rimmer&
Lister&
Cat&
Kryten get one of those Helvetica ampersand personnel list shirts made and Holly and Kochanski bitch about not being included on it. Meanwhile, Yewtree are sniffing around Birdman again.

[Rubber]

The Bland

Another chance to see toothless BBC Two transsexual sitcom Boy Meets Girl.

[flanl3]

BB-CORP:

Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat become unable to see or hear anything from the Dave era and Dave Lister, and are immediately jumped back in time to exactly where “Only the Good…” left off. Meanwhile, Lister has been hiding Kochanski in the air vent in the sleeping quarters, and she mews, indicating her presence, so Lister takes her out and feeds her and shows her his testicle and pictures of Fiji, but was it an accident?

[Dave]

WAITING FOR COD

Oh Lennon, look what’s happened to McCartney. But was it an accident?

[flanl3]

McCodney, you fool.

[Author]

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