Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

CRY TEA TV

Kryten injects hot tea into the tear ducts of every member of the crew and then forces them to watch Beaches so that the scalding beverage immediately spews forth. He collects it in cups and makes them drink it. While filming the whole thing.

[Dollar Pound]

KRYTIE-T-T-TV

a bloody knight’s got out of the ar again and it’s lister’s fault to sort it. he wearily twats it with a bazooka. when he gets back rimmer’s got a pan stuck on his face and no-one will help him

[Dollar Pound]

KRYKRYTIEKURRY TV

kryten is expected to eat a poor curry cooked with contempt by eternal. he pompously puts the whole thing down to a disturbance in the pop culture continuum and then rimmer lambasts him for saying continuum and all saints make him some horrid pasta and he cries

[Dave]

KrYTV

Angus Deayton and Geoffrey Perkins guest-star in a now-dated satire of 90s satellite television.

[flanl3]

STD: SOON TO DIE:

Rimmer trips over his Hedge, Earwax, Rope, Pinecone and Elephant Shit collection and into a button which activates Red Dwarf’s Automatic Internal Deactivation System. The boys have two options, either they can Go Off Nowhere Or Remain Redboard and Have Enother Ago at keeping the Dwarf from self-destructing. Meanwhile, Holly is annoyed by Hollister outranking him, so he removes his “ster” to make them just about the same, but was it an accident?

[Dollar Pound]

have enother ago

[bloodteller]

ONLY THE FUDD- lister digitally alters every looney tunes cartoon in existence so that elmer fudd is the only remaining character. he explains that its not in his headcanon that bugs bunny exists, and is subsequently murdered by baxter for being so bloody picky about continuity.

meanwhile rimmer buys various lunchmeats. but was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

DEAR KRAVE- lister writes a letter to his favourite cereal company telling them how much he likes the little wheaty ones with chocolate sauce in the middle. to his surprise he gets a reply, but it’s just the krave PR department asking him to stop sending so many bloody letters

[flanl3]

have enother ago

spit on her wrist

[cwickham]

DIVE & TAKE

Rimmer relives his childhood memories of having to pick a brick up from the bottom of the swimming pool.

[flanl3]

CLIVE & JAKE:

Lister and Rimmer rename themselves and start a talk show. Meanwhile, Kryten eats Cat, regurgitates the remains, and arranges them very neatly in Clive & Jake’s quarters, but was it an accident?

[Dave]

SPIV AND CAKE

Private Walker from Dad’s Army arrives in a stasis pod, and immediately starts trying to impress the crew by telling them he can get them more butter, flour, sugar and eggs than their ration-books allow.

[bloodteller]

OFFICER KRAMER- kramer from seinfeld somehow beams onboard red dwarf. as it transpires he is actually an officer and so outranks rimmer. kramer uses his newfound authority to make the ship all fun and interesting, and everyone has a bit of a dance. now it’s up to rimmer to finally pass the engineer’s exam so he can outrank kramer and go back to making everyone’s lives really fucking miserable

meanwhile captain hollister eats roast potatoes with indecent enthusiasm. but was it an accident?

[bloodteller]

NIVEN TAKE- lister discovers a previously unheard of deleted scene from the pink panther (the 1963 one not the crap steve martin reboot) where David Niven eats a mustard sandwich. the dwarfers attempt to sell the scene on eBay to raise a budget for their own movie, only to be thwarted when they realise eBay hasn’t existed for around 3,000,000 years and the scene was crap anyway

[flanl3]

BACK TO EARTH:

The ship turns around so that it’s facing away from Earth.

[Dave]

SERIES IX

The ship turns around so that it’s facing away from Earth.

[flanl3]

BLACK TO EARTH:

Rimmer is racist and doesn’t want anybody who’s not white on the ship, so he activates a teleporter that sends Lister and Cat to Earth, which they then realize they should have done a lot sooner. Meanwhile, Kryten has a BDSM threesome with Kochanski and Bent Bob, but was it an accident?

[Pete Part Three]

Give and Stake

Buffy arrives and slays the guy with the big teeth, who I guess is vampire? Meanwhile, this thread continues to lumber on.

[Pete Part Three]

Give and Bake

something something Mary Berry ah fuck off

[Dollar Pound]

TAKE

cat version

[cwickham]

GIVE & RAKE

Sideshow Bob arrives on the ship and spends the entire half-hour stepping on rakes. Doug is sued by 20th Century Fox for not seeking permission to use the character, even though he is played by Kelsey Grammer in a wig – but was it an accident?

[Dollar Pound]

GIVE

kryten remix

[Dollar Pound]

AND

lister glue

[Dollar Pound]

traumatic cypher

RIMMER

[Dave]

POLYMORPH IV: TIMEWAVE II

When a Polymorph once again attacks the ship, Rimmer’s inner critic decides to reform the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. One drawback with that, the abbreviation is SPITONAWRIST.

[Moonlight]

Holospit

A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between Rimmer and Commander Crane.

[si]

Holyshit

A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between Rimmer and Commander Binks.

[flanl3]

Hollyship

A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between Holly and the Enlightenment.

[Dave]

SNACKYSHIP

A special extended cut of Holoship with a 10 minute explicit sex scene between the Enlightenment’s computer, Stocky, and robot dispensing droid Snacky (he has… Snackastic capabilities).

[Ben Paddon]

HOLBYSHIP

A special crossover episode of etc etc

[Rubber]

Hollowship

The crew find a ship with nothing inside it and it kills some of them, wonder which ones, probably not the robot one I expect

[Rubber]

You can’t kill a robot

[Rubber]

they go on forever

[Rubber]

like this thretc

[Rubber]

Hello ship

The crew encounter another ship and send out a generic greeting to it

[Rubber]

Hallo ship

The crew try the greeting in a different accent

[Rubber]

Hullo ship

The crew try the greeting in a more northern accent

[Rubber]

Halo ship

The other ship kills them and they go to heaven and become angels

[Rubber]

Quite ITV

I’m worried about Iain Lee’s well-being :'(

[bloodteller]

PARASOL UNIVERSE- the crew go to a universe where everything is exactly the same except everyone owns and uses a parasol, except holly who has a little paper umbrella sticking out of the top of his/her head

[bloodteller]

PARANOID UNIVERSE- the crew go to universe where everyone is listers paranoia. lister cant be doing with all the negativity around him so he grabs a magnum and kills all the paranoias to death

[bloodteller]

POLAROID UNIVERSE- the crew go to a universe where kodak never existed

[bloodteller]

PARALLEL PARKING UNIVERSE- the crew go to a universe where lister is trying to get his starbug inbetween two gelf gunships but he accidentally scrapes the rear bumper of one of them and the gelfs file an insurance claim

[Rubber]

Ouroboroz

Lister crashes Starbug in a strange pastoral world and finds his dreads have become pigtails. He walks along a yellow brick road with his terrier, Totodhunter, and meets Cat, a brainless scarecrow, Kryten, a heartless tin man, and Rimmer, a cowardly lion. Cat asks why he can’t be the lion because he is a Cat and everyone wonders if the characterisation works better if Cat and Rimmer swap roles although Kryten’s one sort of works and there’s an evil witch who is Kochanski and the whole idea runs out of steam a bit

[Rubber]

The Inquiz

As above but everyone’s black

[bloodteller]

PARMESAN UNIVERSE- the crew go to a parallel universe where they are all at a restaurant. the waitress says “say when” when grating their cheese. they never say when. The room fills with parmesan. there are no survivors.

[Rubber]

Poo-a-LOL Universe

That poo Cat did in Rimmer’s wardrobe in Me2 and the poo he did in Dear Dave fall in love and get married. At first everyone is disgusted by the age difference but eventually they come to appreciate what a strong union it is. Then Kryten bleaches the whole ship and they die.

[Dollar Pound]

SELLOSHIP

sticky business for those ‘boys from the dwarf’ now on bbc2 as they encounter a ship made all of sellotape

[Rubber]

Gallowship

Rimmer’s bored so he hangs his crewmates

[Rubber]

Choleraship

Lister finds a jug of cholera in Peterson’s quarters. He shits a lot until dehydration sets in and he becomes a pile of dust which Kryten sweeps up, pours into a little cigarette case and shoved up his mechanus

[Author]

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