Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

SPOT THE SUBMARINE

Lister and Ace Rimmer are recruited as hand-picked Space Corps special agents, tasked with conducting reconnaissance on the Esperanto. Before setting off on their mission, they have a quick bath.

[Lister2RedDwarf]

TEST YOUR MIGHT

Rimmer walks in on Lister and The Cat playing a Mortal Kombat on a retro games console. Rimmer is appalled by the violence and enlists Kryten to start a campaign to ban it from the ship until late one night after everyone else is asleep Lister discovers Rimmer playing it and shows him how to smash the diamond on the Test Your Might mini game.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SPOTTY SUBMARINE

Ace Rimmer is taking a bath with new Space Corp recruit Mr. Blobby and he is worried the spotted submarine he had just grabbed out of the depths of the bath has just ejected its sea men.

[Dave]

BIG BOYS IN BOOTS

After giving birth to twins, Lister pops along to Red Dwarf’s pharmacy to pick up some paracetamol, only to find that Jim and Bexley have already aged ten years on the journey due to their parallel universe physiology.

[Warbodog]

TALES OF BLOOD-CHILLING TERROIR, WHICH IS A WINE TERM NOT REALLY USED ACCURATELY

Kryten provides over-dramatic links for three stories of his shipmates sipping wine that invariably turns out to be slightly too cold.

[Warbodog]

TALES OF BLOOD-THINNING TICAGRELOR

Kryten provides over-dramatic links for three stories in which he invariably prescribes Mr Lister the same antiplatelet drug.

[Warbodog]

TAILS OF BLOOD-SPILLING PTEROSAURS

Kryten clones a flock of extinct flying reptiles and cruelly butchers them to make Mr Lister a decadent feather boa.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TALES OF YUNGBLOOD SINGING ERROR.

Kryten provides examples of when a young Doncastian singer/song writer made a mistake on stage.

[cwickham]

REAR DAVE

Lister is a bum.

[cwickham]

REAR WINDOW DAVE

Lister stars in an amateur production of a Hitchcock film.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BIRDS-MAN

Pete the sparrow is accidentally zapped by the triplicator (which inexplicably now just creates hundreds of copies of the subject item) leading Birdman to command an army of savage birds in parody production of a Hitchcock film.

[cwickham]

1989 TV

Kryten launches a television channel devoted to elaborate fan theories about which Taylor Swift album is to be re-recorded next.

[Bosco13]

I’m not going through 108 pages so maybe this has been done but have you thought about how you’d want the final episode to be?
The only happy ending I could think of was Rimmer being put in charge of the crew that evacuated at the end of season 8 living on a colony planet and maybe Lister settling there with Kochanski.
What do you guys think?

[Warbodog]

COLONY

Big Finish spin-off series featuring just series VIII original characters with no relief.

[Warbodog]

SHIP OF THESAURUS

The crew meet a prolix Simulant whose unpresuming vessel is constructed unreservedly out of thesauruses, however he has to keep substituting each tome as they disintegrate over the protracted centuries, so pray tell – ye perfervid sophists! – is it verily the selfsame barque our ersatz matelot of the heavens ere embarked upon forthwith? Guest starring Sir Stephen Fry.

[Dave]

I’VE NEVER READ… A THESAURUS

Craig Charles denies appearing in a mythical video about a thesaurus.

[Dave]

YOUR VOCABULARY UNIT’S NOT WORKING

Craig Charles uses his newly-expanded thesaurus-fuelled lexicon to lord it over people who don’t know as many words as him.

[Dave]

WHAT’S AN IGUANA?

Craig Charles realises that a dictionary would be more useful than a thesaurus on this occasion.

[Dave]

PETE, SECTION THE SECOND

Doug Naylor has to drastically retool one of Series VIII’s big storylines after finding out that a clerical error means he has inadvertently blown a huge chunk of the budget on a CGI thesaurus.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

NOTION CONSIDERING AN INSTALMENT

Craig Charles remastered a popular forum thread using his trusty thesaurus.

[Dave]

THE DENOUEMENT

Alternative title for Red Dwarf’s pilot episode that will appear in Craig Charles’ thesaurus.

[Dave]

THE COMMENCEMENT

Alternative title for Red Dwarf Series X episode 6 that will appear in Craig Charles’ thesaurus.

[Dave]

FEEL GOOD AND BAD

Alternative title for Series 1 episode 5 that was going to be used until Craig Charles whipped out his thesaurus.

[Warbodog]

WHAT AN ABSOLUTE SLAG OFF

Craig Charles visits a Red Dwarf forum where all the active threads seem to be having a go at him.

[cwickham]

SOLELY THE GREAT

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Lister rescued Rimmer on a ghost train and used a thesaurus to learn different scary words.

[Dave]

GUNMEN OF THE SAURUS

After Kryten contracts a simulant computer virus, the Boys from the Dwarf must venture into his mindscape and defeat the program by using loads of big words.

[Warbodog]

TAIWAN IS COMPLETELY CHINESEY

Red Dwarf is required to modify its vague Taiwan stance for the sake of a lucrative syndication deal in China. As well as redubbing the offending lines, Doug records a vertical video to play at the start of the episode apologising for his igorance. Not sure whether the apology is supposed to be in English or Mandarin, Doug decides on a middle ground and does it in English with a Taiwan Tony accent, that should be fine.

[Jenuall]

WE DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE, BUT WE LOVE TO SPEAK MANDARIN!

To court the lucrative Chinese audience Doug has to make some hasty re-writes to previous episodes, including coming up with a new palendromic haiku in Mandarin to insert into Holoship

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART NINETY

The Red Dwarf vending machines produce curry at the rate of c, where c is the portions of curry produced per day. If Lister and nine of his friends, who all eat curry at exactly the same rate, are given unlimited access to the curry supplies, they will be exhausted in 20 days. On the other hand, if a total of 15 crewmates are given unlimited access, all the curry will be gone in 10 days. If 25 crewmates are given unlimited access, when will all the curry supplies run out?

[Jenuall]

ANYONE GOT A POPPADOM THE SIZE OF LAKE MICHIGAN?

I’m not sure I get the premise of the question. Is it producing new portions of curry each day that are getting added to a backlog of supplies? If so how many do they have in the backlog to start with? Or is there just a set number of curries in the storage which it is “delivering” to the crew on request rather than “producing” a new curry – basically is the amount of stock something that is going up when new curries are made and down when they eat it, or is it just a finite stock that is going down at a particular rate relative to the number of consumers?

[Jenuall]

WHY AM I EVEN ASKING THAT QUESTION?

A G&T Forum user begins to question to the amount of time they are spending thinking about the Maths in the Red questions.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

I TOOK THEM

Trick question, they never run out as Lister just keeps returning to the past to bring the supplies to the present.

[Dave]

PATHIAS IN THE RED

Lister tries to solve a maths problem based on how much of a certain curry the vending machines can produce.

[cwickham]

CLUES IN THE RED

Let g be the total units of curry available before the crew are granted unlimited access. Let s be the number of units of curry each crewman eats per day. You must determine the constant values of g and c from the information given in the problem.

[Warbodog]

GIVE ME A G… GIVE ME A C… GIVE ME AN S… GIVE ME A GCSE MATHEMATICS REVISION GUIDE?

The mundane origins of recreational maths puzzles are revealed.

[Jenuall]

THAT’S IT: 5 DAYS! WE’VE GOT HIM!

200 curries in stock (g)
10 produced each day (c)
each crewman eats 2 curries per day (s)

[cwickham]

GOOD ANSWER, MAN, GOOD ANSWER

G&T User is particularly pleased to see someone show their working whilst correctly answering a Maths in the Red question.

[Dave]

THE SORE ASS

Lister tries to come up with a greater variety of words to describe his rectal pain after eating two curries per day.

[Ridley]

LARAMIDIAN REXPRESS LANGUAGE SKILLS

Pete rexplores how choosing and using words helps conjure up images in people’s minds. He goes back to Dallas, November 1963, stands on the grassy knoll and shouts Duck! Then eats 500 curries.

[cwickham]

BADDIEL IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing David Baddiel turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BROOKER IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Charlie Brooker turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BHASKAR IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Sanjeev Bhaskar turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BALDING IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Clare Balding turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BACKSHALL IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Steve Backshall turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BLOFELD IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Henry Blofeld turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BLADES IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Jay Blades turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BRITTON IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Fern Britton turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

BURKE IN THE RED

New version of Only the Good which resolves the cliffhanger by revealing Kathy Burke turned up and saved the day.

[cwickham]

OUT OF Bs

G&T User prematurely runs out of people whose names start with the letter “B” in his attempt to move the thread on to the 110th page by posting variations on the same idea over and over again.

[Warbodog]

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU UH HUHUHU

Pedantic edit of DNA, ostensibly for scientists who get annoyed by the scientific inaccuracy of suggesting that sounds
travel in a vacuum, but really for people who find Kryten’s laughing scary.

[Author]

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