Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

HOL SOCK

Holly socks it to Rimmer.

[cwickham]

HOL TIKTOK

Holly makes short videos on social media.

[cwickham]

HOL NOCK

Holly nocks a bow.

[cwickham]

HOL KNOCK-KNOCK

Holly tells some old jokes.

[cwickham]

HOL MATLOCK

Holly stars in a remake of a mystery series.

[cwickham]

HOL ROATH LOCK

Holly moves to Wales.

[cwickham]

HOL DOCK

Holly retrains as a sea captain.

[cwickham]

HOL WOK

Holly prepares some Chinese cuisine.

[Warbodog]

HOLLOCK

Holly’s image is replaced with a wrinkly testicle.

CAT: Replaced?

[Warbodog]

HILLOCK

Hilly returns and acts like a complete pillock. Guest starring Norman Lovett.

[cwickham]

WUTHERING HOLGHTS

Holly stars as Heathcliff in a remake of the classic gothic-romantic novel.

[Warbodog]

HALEBOPP

A post pod arrives with a video message from Holly’s mate Haley (Gareth Hale), who sings a song about a comet from the 90s to the tune of MMMBop while the CGI comet from series VII does a dance.

[Dave]

CRESSYS

Kryten begins to worry that he hasn’t spent enough of his life growing cress. He therefore paints himself red and begins planting cress while makings strange vroom-vroom noises like a car.

[Dave]

CRESSANDRA

The boys from the Dwarf meet a computer that can tell the future. She predicts that Kryten will become obsessed with cress and eventually cress will cover the whole ship. Enraged, Kryten hacks her to pieces with an axe and immediately uses her components to build a new flowerbed to grow some more cress.

[Dave]

CRESSIST LEAK

After Lister secretly reveals that Rimmer doesn’t like cress, Kryten rails against the hologram for his bigoted discrimination against the small and inoffensive herb. Rimmer insists he doesn’t mind other people eating cress, that’s their business, he just doesn’t want it shoved in his face all the time.

[Dave]

M’COCK CRESSY

The boys from the Dwarf worry that Kryten may be getting too emotionally attached to his cress after Archie starts to turn a strange shade of green. CCTV footage reveals the sad truth: that Kryten has been having sex with his cress.

They therefore have an election to see who will be in charge of Red Dwarf’s supply of cress seeds and Rimmer wins, as a result of a dog-whistle “cress panic” campaign.

[Dave]

THE INCRESSITOR

A rogue time-travelling simulant hunts down the Boys from the Dwarf and judges whether they should live or die, largely using cress-based criteria. It turns out to be Kryten in a mask and they all have a laugh about it.

[Warbodog]

CRESSMEAL

A pleasure GELF appears to Kryten as a human-sized piece of cress which the cress-crazed mechanoid amorously devours before she can explain, though he works it out when she reverts to an oozing, blobby mass part way through, spoiling his finish.

[Warbodog]

MR FLIBBLE’S VERY CRESS

Rimmer discovers that Kryten’s been stowing his stash inside his penguin puppet when it grows out like a chia pet.

[cwickham]

CRESSIST

Taiwan Tony starts serving cress.

[Dave]

NO CRESSANTS, NO CRUMPETS

Lister tells Talkie Toaster that he doesn’t want to try the disgusting new cress-based pastry that Kryten has forced him to make.

[Dave]

BEST CRESS, SIRS

Kryten malfunctions, and whenever the crew ask him to try and explain any weird time/space phenomena, he instead offers them a plate of his finest cress.

[Jenuall]

SSERC

The crew arrive in the backwards universe where they impress the local Bulgarians by eating a lot of cress … forwards

[Dave]

CRESS MISTER LISTER SIR, EEK EEK EEK

The laboratory mice try to impress their superior, Lister, by offering him some lovely cress.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CRESSTINE KOCHANSKI

Feeling ever alone, and desperate to spend some time with the love of his life again, Lister cultivates Kryten’s cress and builds a life size replica of Kochanski to snuggle at night.

[Dave]

KILL CRESSY

When the Boys from the Dwarf are put in prison by the ship’s resurrected crew and inducted into the Canaries, Kryten becomes distraught after one particularly unhinged colleague pours weedkiller all over his cress.

[Dave]

POST 11,169

The thread grows over time from 169 posts to 1,169 posts to 11,169 posts, but only for readers of the Dwarfcast book club.

[Dave]

STAND ON THE CRESSY KNOLL AND SHOUT “DUCK”

Lister and Kryten become embroiled in a bizarre love triangle when a spilled packet of seeds inadvertently creates a Parker Knoll armchair with cress growing out of it.

[Jenuall]

ARE THEY GONE? ARE THEY DEAD? HAVE THEY CRESSED YA?

Lister demands to know what happened to all the other felis sapiens and whether they assaulted Cat with cress

[Warbodog]

HE PARTIED LESS THAN RUDOLPH CRESS

Special Christmas mobisode. Kryten strings nine punnets of cress to a sleigh and imagines they have come to life. The leader of the pack is ostracised for having a discoloured leaf, but Kryten teaches them the error of their ways. Merry Cressmas everyone.

[Jenuall]

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE SIR? IT DOES MEAN PLANTING A BULB

Kryten warns Rimmer of the added workload when the latter makes the decision to switch from growing cress to onions

[clem]

WHOA! CRESS!

The Cat spots a stray piece of cress on his sleeve, which is hardly surprising what with all the cress around lately. Anyway he simply flicks it away and carries on with what he’s doing.

[Dave]

THE -UM SONG

Kryten rewrites the Om Song with new lyrics that constantly refer to lepidium sativum, the latin name for cress.

[cwickham]

THE NUMB SONG

Lister writes a song about losing all feeling in his body.

[cwickham]

THE BONG SONG

Lister writes a song about taking drugs.

[cwickham]

THE UM BONGO SONG

Lister writes a song about a brand of fruit juice.

[cwickham]

THE BOMB SONG

Lister rips off one of Baldrick’s compositions.

[cwickham]

THE LONG SONG

Lister writes a song that goes on to appear in an unspeakably shit episode of Doctor Who.

[cwickham]

THE NOM NOM SONG

Lister writes a song whilst hungry.

[cwickham]

THE POM POM SONG

Lister writes a song about cheerleaders.

[cwickham]

THE CD-ROM SONG

Lister writes a song about an increasingly redundant physical media format.

[cwickham]

THE VOM SONG

Lister writes a song about being sick.

[cwickham]

THE TOM TOM SONG

Lister writes a song about getting lost.

[Dave]

“FUN”? AH, CRESS

Kryten defines fun in the only way he knows how.

[Dave]

WE CAN’T POSSIBLY DO THAT – WHO’D CLEAR UP THE CRESS?

A psychotic Rimmer ponders that killing his crewmates would leave no-one to tend the meadows of cress that now cover Red Dwarf’s decks.

[Dave]

SO, YOU LIKE A BIT OF CRESS, DO YOU?

Holly tries to tough-talk Queeg after being challenged to a herb-growing contest.

[Dave]

RED CRESS MASS

Cressandra’s prophecy is finally fulfilled as Red Dwarf is entirely covered by cress. Satisfied with his life’s work, Kryten dismantles himself, packs himself away, and dreams an endless dream of cress.

[Warbodog]

CRESS BARRIE

An exclusive Mirror exposé reveals that a star of Red Dwarf is partial to a bit of cress on his egg sandwiches.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED

Holly has 526,315,789,473,684,210 bytes of memory, and wants to install an upgrade that will multiply that by anywhere between 2 and 18 times. Whilst trying to work out how much memory he will have, depending on the level of memory multiplication he gets from the upgrade, he discovers there is a shortcut to calculating any of the possible outcomes. What is it?

[Warbodog]

SMEG AND CRESS

Red Dwarf tie-in snack that tastes as good as it sounds.

[Author]

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