Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Jenuall]

LUCKY YOU DIDN’T ORDER A DOUBLE CRESS BURGER!

After a meal out Cat passes judgement on the quality of the vegetarian options available in the Officer’s Lounge

[Dave]

YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLY WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PRO-CRESS AT SCHOOL

The difference between Rimmer and Ace Rimmer is revealed to be that at a young age, one of them got dangerously addicted to cress due to peer pressure.

[Dave]

GIVE CRESS A CHANCE

Polymorph-addled Rimmer creates an alternate T-Shirt that isn’t quite as clever or funny.

[Dave]

WE ARE TOUGH AND WE ARE MEAN, ARNIE RIMMER’S CRESS MACHINE

Rimmer recruits wax droids of Elvis Presley and other celebs to farm cress for him, just to show he can do it better than Kryten.

[Dave]

THANKS FOR THE CRESSERY

Kryten misunderstands Rimmer’s cress farm and thinks he’s grown it all as a present for the mechanoid, leading to an awkward exchange.

[Dave]

TRY AND AVOID ALL CRESSFUL SITUATIONS

After conducting Rimmer’s medical, Kryten advises him to stay out of the Idea For An Episode thread.

[Dave]

CRESS, BECAUSE THEY HAD A VOLCANIC ERUPTION

Rimmer suggests that Fiji’s conditions will be perfect for growing cress.

[Dave]

A MAN WHOSE FAMILY CRESS IS MADE UP OF TWO CREAM BUNS AND A PROFITEROLE

Rimmer criticises Hollister’s bizarre preferences for food other than cress in a quote that no-one remembers because it’s from Series VIII.

[Dave]

PLANT MY CRESS WE’RE ON PAGE 113

Etc.

[clem]

CRESS CRESS CRESS CRESSPERANTO

The Dwarfers come across a crashed Space Corps ship whose crew were on a cress seeding mission. Before long Red Dwarf has been overrun by the gigantic cress Kryten grows using the craft’s terraforming technology.

[Jenuall]

YOU SPEAK CRESSPERANTO CAPTAIN RIMMER?

Kryten is impressed by Rimmer’s fluency with the art of growing cress

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND ONE

When Red Dwarf was first built, the refectory floor was made up of 1,369 tiles in a perfect square. After Rimmer changed history with the timeslides, it had an extra row of tiles along the north and east walls, making a slightly bigger square which used 1,444 tiles in total.

After the nanobots rebuilt Red Dwarf, the refectory floor was again changed, and became slightly bigger again. If it was still a perfect square, how many tiles did the new refectory floor have in total?

[Dave]

ASK ME A CRESSTION, ANY CRESSTION, AND I’LL ANSWER IT

Holly boosts her IQ to more than 12,000 but is irritated that Kryten only wants to talk to her about cress.

[Dave]

RED DWARF A-TO-CRESS

As part of a special themed night, a bunch of celebs offer talking-heads clips about their love of Red Dwarf and/or cress.

[Dave]

CAN’T CRESS WON’T CRESS

Ainsley Harriot rounds up anyone who doesn’t like cress and forces them to undergo conversion therapy.

[Dave]

RED DWARF: JUST THE CRESS

A compilation of all the cress-based posts from the Idea For An Episode thread.

[Dave]

RED DWARF: SIX OF THE CRESS

A more curated collection of just six of the most highly-rated fan-favourite cress-based Ideas For An Episode.

[cwickham]

CRESSIDA DICK

G&T Admin’s latest nickname for inhabitants of the Idea For An Episode thread.

[Dave]

CRESS IN THE RED, PART ONE

If Rimmer has 30 cress seeds and half of them grow successfully, but then he exchanges the remaining dud cress seeds for twice as many new cress seeds that all grow successfully, then repeats that process twice over every day for a year, and Kryten eats cress at a rate of 12 pieces of cress per hour, but only on weekdays, because at the weekend he eats twice as much, how long will it be until we run out of cress puns in the Idea For An Episode thread?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CRESS WE CAN

Barack Obama beams aboard Red Dwarf to campaign for renewed cress investment.

[Warbodog]

THE ROOTS OF CRESSINCIDENCE

A forum user eats cress he bought unironically days ago while catching up on cress puns and overhearing a Meg and Mog story featuring a character called Cress and ignoring all the inconveniently non-cress-based events in his day.

[Dave]

CRESS; CONSTANT, GUILT-FREE CRESS

Kryten falls in love with another mechanoid who reveals that she comes from a liberated society where they grow and eat as much cress as they want.

[Warbodog]

CRESS MY EROGENOUS ZONES

Explicit sequel to CRESS; CONSTANT, GUILT-FREE CRESS.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BETTER THAN LEAF

Kryten’s experience in a TIV is to find a small, grassy like plant to be preferable to larger leaf salads.

[Dave]

CRESS, GOD?

Holly offers Lister some cress after he wakes up from stasis, but only in the Remastered version.

[cwickham]

THE BODYSNATCHER RECOLLECTION

New DVD boxset examining the making of The Bodysnatcher Collection. Derided as pointless.

[cwickham]

IDEAFORANEPISODECAST

Spin-off of the DwarfCasts which discusses the history of the Idea For An Episode thread a page at a time.

[Jenuall]

DO YOU WANT TO GO INTO STASIS FOR THE REST OF THE TRIP AND FOREFEIT 18 MONTHS PAY? DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO 11,219 IDEAS FOR AN EPISODE? CHOOSE!

Hollister gives Lister a truly awful 50:50 decision to make

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWO

Lister and Cat crash Starbug onto a desert planet that is almost intolerably hot. On Red Dwarf’s scanner, Kryten finds an ideal place for Blue Midget to pick them up and sends them directions. Starbug is unsafe to remain in following the crash, and the agreed rendezvous point will take them until the following morning to reach. However, there is also a place of shelter Kryten has spotted where they can stay during the night.

If Lister and Cat travel at 10 miles per hour, they will pass the place of shelter a full hour after sunset and risk missing it altogether. If they travel at 15 miles per hour, they will arrive an hour before sunset and have to sit in the hellish heat.

What speed do Lister and Cat need to travel at to arrive at the shelter exactly at sunset?

[Dave]

I’M ALL ALONE, MORE OR CRESS

After Cat and Lister die and Rimmer’s light bee finally gives up the ghost, Kryten consoles himself with a new group of friends made entirely from his favourite herb.

[Dave]

A CRESSTION OF SMEG

Due to a clerical error at the publisher, this Red Dwarf tie-in trivia quiz book exclusively contained questions about cress.

[si]

PARSLEY HARMLESS

In an attempt to rush-release a new herb based fourth/fifth novel, Doug accidentally wanders into Hitchhiker’s territory.

[Warbodog]

YOU HATE DIGS ABOUT YOUR STINGINESS

When the others mount an expedition, Rimmer regrets making a treasure map of the moons where he buried his fair share of supplies that if he can’t eat, no one can.

[Ian Symes]

YOU HATE DIGS ABOUT YOUR STINGYNESS

Lister attempts to wind up a nettle.

[Pete Part Three]

THE PROMENADE DANCE

Following a crash landing on a waxworld based on American high school movies, The Cat enters into a high-spirited competition to lose his virginity before the end-of-term party. As everyone else is at least 40 years younger than him, this plan ends badly.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THREE

Red Dwarf is leaving a space station and heading towards a planetoid with a breathable atmosphere. They have just arrived at the latter when Cat realises he left one of his favourite jackets on the space station, and they have to go back for it in Starbug.

As they set out in Starbug, there is a dust storm that is blowing in a strong, steady easterly direction. It takes just 90 minutes for Starbug to cover the 24 miles from the planetoid to the space station. The return journey, however, takes an entire quarter of a day for them to get back to Red Dwarf.

How long would the round trip have taken in absolutely calm conditions?

[Dave]

THE PROMISED BAND

Lister refuses to help the Cats until The Pussycat Dolls show up.

[Dave]

THE PROMISED AMPERSAND

G&T successfully lobbies for Give And Take to by styled as Give & Take.

[Dave]

THE PARMESAN

Lister refuses to help the cats until they supply him with several pounds of cheese.

[Dave]

THE PROMISED HAND

Lister refuses to help the cats until they give him fifteen.

[cwickham]

THE PROMISED AMPERSAND

G&T successfully lobbies for Give And Take to by styled as Give & Take.

CONFIDENCE AMPERSAND ALREADYTHERE

It turns out the episode’s title was already styled that way and there was nothing to change. Grant Naylor Productions mock G&T heavily for lobbying for something that already existed.

[Dave]

BEYOND AN IN-JOKE

A contributor to the Idea For An Episode thread wonders whether to bother explaining that there was a whole thing on G&T before Give & Take aired about whether it would have an ampersand or not, and hoping that it would because it would then match G&T – or whether bothering to explain such a niche reference would both undermine earlier gag and also be a tragic waste of a post in a thread that usually offers such otherwise sparkling content.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE AND

Pilot episode of an entire series focused on the powers that be at GNP deciding how to stylise the “and” in a series XI episode title, and how a few people who run a fan site react to the inevitable decision.

[cwickham]

SAMPERSANDSARA

Contributors to the Idea For An Episode thread get locked in a pointless discussion about whether or not the idea “The Promised Ampersand” made sense, and the admins’ nightmare continues.

[Dave]

AMPERSANDS IN THE RED

If Confidence And Paranoia, Demons And Angels, Fathers And Suns and Give And Take all had ampersands in their titles, and it took 10 seconds for designers to add an And to a title but only three seconds to add an ampersand, and some of those episodes actually did use ampersands in the first place, which they did, how much less time would we have spent discussing the whole ampersand thing before Give & Take aired?

[Dave]

C-R-E-S-S, I THINK I FOUND IT

Cat improvises a little ditty when he finds Kryten’s secret stash of cress.

[Warbodog]

LA MENUO ASPEKTAS BOWEGE, MI PROVOS LA KRESO

And I think we all know what that means.

[Dave]

TODAY’S FISH IS TROUT À LA CRESS

Kryten hacks the vending machines to only dispense cress-based meals.

[Dave]

THOSE BOFFINS HAVE HAMMERED TOGETHER A CRATE THAT CAN CRESS DIMENSIONS?

Slight differences between Rob’s original manuscript of the Backwards novel and the final published version are discovered, including a bizarre subplot in which Ace Rimmer’s scientist colleagues invented a slatted box that could turn entire parallel universes into nothing but cress.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR

Rimmer is trying to do a roll-call of all the Skutters, and starts by trying to get them to assemble into rows. He finds that rows of five are no good, as there are three Skutters left over. He tries rows of seven, but then there’s two Skutters left over. He tries rows of three, but again there are two spare.

What is the fewest number of Skutters there can be?

[Author]

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