Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

IT’S LIKE A CRESS BETWEEN FOOD AND BOWEL SURGERY

Between having some food and undergoing bowel surgery, Rimmer treats himself to a little bit of cress.

[Dave]

BETTER STILL, YOU COULD CRESS-BREED THEM WITH DOLPHINS

Lister is unsettled when Rimmer suggests that his idyllic life on Fiji should include monstrous sheep-dolphin-cress DNA hybrid creatures.

[Dave]

YOU ARE A NON-EVENT CRESS WITH A QUANTUM PROBABILITY OF ZERO

Todhunter tries to explain the intricacies of stasis to Lister via an extended metaphor revolving around cress.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE

Eleven BEGGs arrive on Red Dwarf and threaten to eat the Dwarfers if they aren’t served a meal first.

Looking around the kitchen, Kryten manages to find four steaks and four portions of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks. For the remaining three, the best he can do is reheated curry.

He brings the food out to the BEGGs only to discover that five of them will not eat the steaks, and four more will not eat the cottage cheese. The remaining two are happy to eat either.

Assuming he doesn’t just leave the food there in disgust and tell them to fight over it, how many different ways can Kryten serve up the food?

[Warbodog]

THEN DISEMBOWEL HIM AND FEED HIS INNARDS TO THE CRESS

Original draft of Stoke Me a Clipper that would have foreshadowed Rimmer’s supposed “death” by carnivorous cress that escaped from the AR machine. This aspect of the episode was dropped when a demo of the CGI cress beast was considered “wank.”

[Dave]

CRESSINGTON WORLD OF ADVENTURE

Alternative title for an earlier draft of Rimmerworld in which Rimmer populated the planet with intelligent cress that rebelled against him.

[Dave]

CAN WE HAVE A BIT OF PRO-CRESS-ISM GENTLEMEN?

As he abandons Red Dwarf circa Series VII, Chris Barrie complains in an interview that Grant Naylor have been lazily lifting his real-life cress-positive beliefs and incorporating them into Red Dwarf scripts.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIX

A GELF Chief has 15 children, each born precisely 18 months apart. His eldest prefers to say that she is seven times older again than her very youngest sibling. How old is she?

[Dave]

TRACK 2 REALITY

Owners of the Six Of The Best boxset discover after decades that the accompanying CD has a secret second track in which Rob Grant and Doug Naylor discuss their love of cress.

[Dave]

IT’S A GARBAGE PLOT! IT’S A SMEGGING GARBAGE PLOT!

Red Dwarf viewers react to Timewave.

[Dave]

BACK TO GIRTH

Special not-a-series miniseries set between Series VIII and X which shows how Red Dwarf is returned to its original shorter and fatter dimensions.

[Dave]

BACK TO NERF

Lister exchanges his bazookoid for a plastic gun that fires foam bullets.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN

Lister crashes Starbug on a GELF-inhabited planet where he is sentenced to death. The leader of the tribe gives him one opportunity to avoid this fate. He shows Lister a bag which contains four stones, and tells him the stones may be either white or black, but there is at least one white stone in the bag. The leader draws two white stones from the bag, and challenges Lister to correctly guess the colour of the next stone he draws out. Should Lister guess the stone will be white, black, or does it make no difference either way?

[Warbodog]

BACK TO TERF

The crew are attacked by a transphobic squid.

[Dave]

BACK TO BACK

Dramatisation of the shooting period for series XI and XII.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE RAID

The boys from the Dwarf find themselves mysteriously transported into an early-2010s Indonesian action movie.

[Dave]

HOP DEFEATS DESPAIR

Due to a misprint in his family bible, Rimmer spends his final moments before “dying” in Back To Reality jumping around on one leg.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT

Kryten is cleaning the bunkroom. On a circular table in the corner of the room, there is a spot on the edge which is pointing into the corner. The spot is eight inches from one wall and nine inches from the other. Kryten realises that from this information, he can work out how big the table is across. How?

[Dave]

BEST GUESS

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Call My Bluff.

[Dave]

I’M PROGRAMMED ALWAYS TO TELL THE TRUTH

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Would I Lie To You.

[Dave]

THERE ARE NO SOUNDS TO HEAR

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Name That Tune.

[Dave]

WE HAVE TO GO

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Top Gear’s “star in a reasonably-priced car”.

[Dave]

JUST A FEW SECONDS!

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Just A Minute but is significantly easier.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINE

Rimmer spots Kryten on B Deck, and immediately gives chase to try and get him to mop the deck. Kryten has a 27 step advantage, and takes eight steps for each of Rimmer’s five strides. However, just two of Rimmer’s strides are worth five of Kryten’s steps.

How many strides will it take Rimmer to catch up with Kryten?

[Dave]

THERE’S SOME KIND OF LINK HERE I CAN’T QUITE MAKE OUT

Danny John-Jules in full Cat garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Only Connect.

[Dave]

WHAT’S MY FRUIT?

Failed pilot gameshow spinoff from Camille.

[Warbodog]

DO I HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO POO MYSELF SIRS

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shamelessly rips off the format of a Japanese game show that doubtless exists.

[Warbodog]

NAKED KRYTEN

Robert Llewellyn in the naked Kryten garb from series VIII hosts a new gameshow that shamelessly rips off the format of Naked Jungle.

[Dave]

MR GUITAR!

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of X Factor.

[Warbodog]

MIND THAT BUS WHAT BUS SPLAT

Chris Barrie in full Rimmer garb hosts a controversial new gameshow that shamelessly rips off the format of Frogger in a busy city centre.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TEN

Lister’s memorial garden to Kochanski has a squared spiral path. The path is one yard wide, and forms a solid rectangle which spirals in from its corner entrance to the very centre of the garden, a distance of 3,630 yards. The outside boundaries of the spiral are almost square, just half a yard longer than they are wide. If any of the other Dwarfers need to speak to Lister, they have to stalk the entire distance, winding slowly inwards, so as to not disturb his contemplation.

How wide is the spiral?

[Warbodog]

BECAUSE THE IDENT COMPUTER SAYS THEY DO

Craig Charles in full Lister garb hosts a new gameshow that shamelessly rips off the format of Family Fortunes.

[Dave]

MATHS-CORP

A contributor to the G&T forum wonders why all the MATHS IN THE RED questions have seemingly become invisible.

[Dave]

MATHS IN THE RED: THE ANSWERS

i) Three
ii) 17
iii) They were playing Mine-opoly
iv) 10 metres
v) Five loaves, two fishes
vi) Triangles don’t have four sides so it was a trick question
vii) the numbers are actually upside down so the missing Starbug landing bay is 87

[Dave]

GOTTA BE NOEL EDMONDS

Danny John-Jules in full Cat garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of Deal Or No Deal.

[Warbodog]

GIVE ME A C, GIVE ME AN O, GIVE ME A U, GIVE ME AN N, GIVE ME A T, GIVE ME A D, GIVE ME ANOTHER O, GIVE ME A W, GIVE ME ANOTHER N

Craig Charles in full Lister garb hosts a new gameshow that shamelessly rips off the format of Countdown, except players can request the letters and numbers they want, which takes away some of the challenge.

[Dave]

WHO’S EATING THIS CHICKEN?

Danny John-Jules in full Kryten garb gets confused about his character motivation due to a costume department mix-up.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN

Lister has invented a dice game to help while away the hours in the Tank. He and Rimmer each pick a pair of odd numbers between 3 and 17. Each number has to be different. They then take turns rolling three dice at a time. The first man to total one of his numbers is the winner, unless the other can match a number of his own with one more throw, for a draw.

Are there two completely different pairs of numbers which give both players identical chances of winning?

[Dave]

THEY WERE GONNA SORT IT OUT IN THE DUB

Craig Charles in full Lister garb hosts a new gameshow that shameless rips off the format of I Can See Your Voice.

[Dave]

TIMEWAVE

A terrible writer in full Doug Naylor garb sneaks a fake script into the pile of XI/XII scripts and somehow it gets produced.

[Dave]

GARBLED

Robert Llewellyn in full Kryten garb hosts an awards ceremony recognising the G&T forum thread with most uses of the word Garb.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE

Lister and Rimmer are playing Subbuteo. Because they’ve got all night and they’re evenly matched, they decide to play a series of 17 games, with the overall winner taking the prize pot. They are on the eleventh round when a giant anguish squid attacks the ship and they have to evacuate in Starbug.

Rimmer is leading six to four, and feels that he should take the pot. Lister responds that the winner was the first to nine and he had plenty of time to overtake him, so the pot should be shared equally. Rimmer, however, feels that since he had the upper hand, this is unreasonable.

What is the fairest option, taking into account the matches unplayed?

[Warbodog]

GO ON, HE’S PROBABLY PICKED A RING

Ace Rimmer struggles to decide whether to show Lister a classic J-horror or its American remake.

[Warbodog]

GO ON, HE’S PROBABLY PICKED HERRING

Ace Rimmer accepts there are plenty more fish in the sea.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN

The Maths In The Red puzzles now compromise slightly more than one per cent of the Idea For An Episode thread, which makes up 4.2% of the total number of posts on G&T. At what point will the majority of posts be Maths In The Red puzzles?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

GO ON, HE’S PROBABLY PICKLED HERRING

Rimmer alludes to the fact Ace has a fondness for preserving raw herring.

[Dave]

GO ON, HE’S PROBABLY PERFECTED CURLING

Lister teaches Kryten a variety of olympic sports until he is an expert.

[Dave]

GO ON, SHE’S PROBABLY PACKED IN HURLING

Ainsley Harriot urges the crew to go and talk to Kochanski after she finishes tasting their curry.

[Dave]

GO ON, HE’S PROBABLY PUNK’D HERRING

Ashton Kutcher plays a practical joke on a 3-D printed captain of a spaceship.

[Warbodog]

GO ON, HE’S PROBABLY PICT ERRING

Ace Rimmer arrives just in time to stop an ancient Scottish version of himself from making a boo boo.

[Author]

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