Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN

Lister crashes Starbug on a GELF-inhabited planet which is the twin planet of the one from Maths in the Red Part One Hundred and Seven, where he is sentenced to death. The leader of the tribe gives him one opportunity to avoid this fate.

The leader prepares two bags. One holds a single stone, which was placed in the bag without being observed and has an equal chance of being either black or white. The other holds three stones, one white and two black.

He then adds a white stone to the first bag, shakes the two stones up and draws a stone from it, which is white.

To live, Lister has to pull a white stone from one of the two bags. He may either select one of the two bags at random and pull a stone from it, or combine the contents of both bags into one and pull a stone from that. Which option, if either, gives him a better chance at survival?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

I’VE SEEN THEM NAKED

A whiney Robert Llewelyn in full Kryten garb hosts Naked Attraction

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ACE HOLE

Craig Charles in full Lister garb hosts a gameshow that is a cross between tennis and golf.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ANDROIDS, EVERYONE NEEDS GOOD ANDROIDS

Robert Llewelyn in full Kryten garb records a series of adverts for a mobile operating system.

[Dave]

CAN’T SMOKE ME A KIPPER, WON’T SMOKE ME A KIPPER

Ainsley Harriot in full GELF garb hosts a very niche cookery gameshow pitting Rimmer against Ace Rimmer.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN

Rimmer is having Kryten build a new Officers’ Quarters. He has specified every detail, even that the window must be perfectly square and five feet in height. When the room is finished, he inspects it and then calls Kryten back. He instructs Kryten, in no uncertain terms, that the window has to be altered to admit half as much moonlight, without curtain, shade, shutter, a change in glass, or any other such impediment to a clear view. In fact, he further insists that the window has to remain square and five feet in height.

Assuming he doesn’t tell Rimmer to smeg off, how can Kryten come up with a solution that fulfils all of his demands?

[Dave]

BACK TO MATHS IN THE RED

The boys from the Dwarf experience a horrible living nightmare where their life is nothing but maths questions.

[Dave]

BACTA REALITY

Luke Skywalker heals up.

[Dave]

FUCK MY GARB WE’RE ON PAGE 114

Robert Llewellyn refuses to don the Kryten costume when the thread moves onto a new page.

[Warbodog]

WHAT’S YOUR HANDLE?

Ace Rimmer fails to initiate a round of I’m a Little Teapot with an unfamiliar Lister.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN

Rimmer is taking his astros again, and is just one question away from passing. He must correctly fill in the blanks in the following, using whole numbers from one to nine, so that each statement is true and accurate:

Below this line of text, and above the line of text that reads “END OF EXAM”, there are, in total:

__ instance/s of the number 1;
__ instance/s of the number 2;
__ instance/s of the number 3;
__ instance/s of the number 4;
__ instance/s of the number 5.

END OF EXAM

What numbers should go in the blanks?

[Warbodog]

ALRIGHTY THEN, DUDES

Norman Lovett is announced as the new Ace Ventura.

[Dave]

YOU’RE SMOKIN’!

Robert Llewellyn is announced as the new The Mask.

[Dave]

I’LL SAY GOOD AFTERNOON, GOOD EVENING AND GOODBYE TO LOVE

Norman Lovett is announced as the new Truman off of the Truman Show.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN

Lister has been named the worst employee in the history of the Jupiter Mining Corporation in their annual review, and has decided to hide out on a leisure planetoid until things blow over. Whilst he’s returning to his motel room, he’s spotted by the JMC’s CEO, who sends his chauffeur and his secretary after him.

The chauffeur covers 2 metres with every stride, but the secretary (who is shorter) only covers 1 1/2 metres with every stride. She can take 4 strides a second, but he can only manage 3 strides per second.

It would have taken Lister 15 seconds to unlock the door of his motel room, enter and lock the door behind him, but before he can do it, one of them grabs him. Who got to him first?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN

Rimmer is taking his astros again, and is just one question away from passing. He must correctly fill in the blanks in the following, using whole numbers from one to nine, so that each statement is true and accurate:
Below this line of text, and above the line of text that reads “END OF EXAM”, there are, in total:
__ instance/s of the number 1;
__ instance/s of the number 2;
__ instance/s of the number 3;
__ instance/s of the number 4;
__ instance/s of the number 5.
END OF EXAM
What numbers should go in the blanks?

DON’T LOOK BABY, I’LL DRIVE YOU CRAZY

A G&T forum user is driven crazy by constantly looking back at a MATHS IN THE RED post and being unable to figure out the answer

[cwickham]

CLUES IN THE RED

With five example digits, and five blanks, the total numbers of the values you fill in must equal ten. Start by filling all five blanks with 1,1,1,1,1 — obviously that’s wrong, but totalling them gives you 6 1s and one each of the other four numbers. So change it to 6,1,1,1,1, and then keep on juggling the numbers around from there.

[Dave]

DON’T LOOK BABY, I’LL DRIVE YOU CRAZY
A G&T forum user is driven crazy by constantly looking back at a MATHS IN THE RED post and being unable to figure out the answer

SPACE CORPS DIRECTIVE 32311

Kryten figured it out.

[Dave]

BACK TO MATHS IN THE RED

Finally someone acknowledges a Maths In The Red Puzzle again.

[Dave]

SEE YA IN TEN PAGES

Captain Hollister predicts how long it will be until one of the Maths In The Red puzzles is acknowledged again.

[Dave]

CRESS, MR SHOUTY?

Lister offers Thornton some cress.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN

Lister crashes Starbug into the middle of a planet, writing off the ship’s startup motor in the process. Fortunately, the planet is populated by androids whose technology is compatible with Starbug’s, but they are reluctant to give up any of their own startup motors to help Lister.

Eventually they strike a deal: Lister will be introduced to all 100 of the androids, in no particular order. As each android is introduced, Lister is also told how efficient their startup motor on a scale where 1 is the lowest, but the highest possible number is not specified. He then has to immediately decide whether to ask them for their motor or not, with that decision being final. He will only be permitted to take the motor from them if he somehow picks the droid with the most efficient motor.

Is there a way to maximize the chance of picking the correct android?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THANKS MR DAVE SIR, EEEK EEEK EEEK

Taking on the persona of a mouse, a G&T forum user thanks another for solving an irritating problem for him

[Dave]

YOU’RE WELCOME!

A G&T forum user completes a delightfully polite exchange around the solution to a maths puzzle.

[Pete Part Three]

FUTILE ECHOES

After another blackout, Rimmer agrees to an echocardiogram, only for Kryten to discover that this type of medical scan doesn’t work on dead people.

[Warbodog]

FUTURE TESCOS

Back in the Red interquel.

[Dave]

FURNITURE ECHOES

Lister’s crewmates begin to hear a rhythmic knocking sound emanating from the Parker Knoll.

[cwickham]

FUTURE MECH-OS

Kryten invents a breakfast cereal for mechanoids, ostensibly in the future.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FUTURE SPAGHETTIOS

Lister deduces from his bowel movement that he is about to have on backwards Earth, will result in him having spaghettios for dinner yesterday night.

[cwickham]

UH-OH, FUTURE SPAGHETTIOS

Deleted line from the first draft of The End, spoken by Lister when he discovers he’s three million years in the future.

[Dave]

FUTURE ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI

Lister plans further sexual adventures with Rimmer’s mum.

[cwickham]

KRYTIE GB

Kryten discovers the only television channel worse than the one that broadcasts Women’s Shower Night Live.

[Warbodog]

THE KRYTIE KID

Kryten becomes a surrogate father figure for a juvenile mechanoid and trains him to wax Mr Lister’s space bike endlessly with no ulterior martial arts motive.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE KRYTIE YID

Kryten leaves his Silicon Heaven beliefs behind and converts to Judaism

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KRYTIE BID UP TV

Kryten is kidnapped and reprogrammed to host a daytime auction channel for cheap tat you couldn’t flog at a car boot sale.

[Warbodog]

INCIDENTALLY, IT’S KRY TIE

Captain Hollister requests that his dinner guests wear novelty Kryten ties to the event. Rimmer humorously misunderstands and gobs onto the captain’s wrist.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IDEA FOR A BEPPESODE

Doug Naylor joins the writing team staff of Eastenders and starts making suggestions for the character of Beppe Di Marco, as he hasn’t seen the show in over 20 years and was unaware he had left.

[Warbodog]

IDEA FOR A PEPESODE

Paul Alexander floats a crossover with an animated rapist skunk, rejected for being too similar to Back in the Red part 2.

[cwickham]

IDEA FOR A BEPPOSODE

My 8-year-old niece joins the writing team of Red Dwarf and insists all future episodes are about her toy monkey Beppo.

[Dave]

IDEA FOR A LEPERSODE

The boys from the Dwarf all contract leprosy.

“I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir,” smiles Kryten.

“Give you five?” laughs Lister – “I can do better than that! I can give you three!”

[Warbodog]

IDEA FOR A STEPSISODE

H from Steps is a hologram. The other people who are in Steps play characters that relate to their own names and/or personalities in wryly amusing ways.

[Warbodog]

IDEA FOR A WEAPOSODE

Doug is commissioned by MI6 to weaponise Red Dwarf by creating a special episode for foreign markets designed to induce a state of disorientation and berzerk rage when viewed. When war is averted and the contract is cancelled, he bungs it in series XII.

[Dave]

IDEA FOR AN EPIDEMIC

When the Boys from the Dwarf successfully isolate a hugely irritating virus in Lister’s severed arm, they decide to dispose of it by using the time drive to travel back to China in late 2019 and leave it there, thinking it’ll probably be fine.

[cwickham]

IDEA FOR AN EPIPEN

Lister plans to return to Earth by designing a new emergency treatment for anaphylaxis, going on Dragon’s Den with it, and using the cash investment to design a time machine. His plan is foiled when he realises he would have to return to Earth to go on Dragon’s Den in the first place.

[Dave]

IDEA FOR AN EPIC SOWED

When Doug sits down to watch Lawrence of Arabia one Sunday afternoon, it plants the seed in his mind that the next Red Dwarf feature length special should be four hours long.

Robert Llewellyn quietly weeps.

[Warbodog]

IDEA FOR AN EXCESSODE

Red Dwarf is attacked by an alliance of classic enemies from across time and space, so they recruit classic allies from across time and space to even the odds. During the epic space battle and ground combat in the corridors, Cat accidentally fires up the triplicator – now adapted into the billicator – and a billion copies of every ship and character is created, each one noticeably different. Ships equipped with time drives start appearing from the near future to modify the battle as it goes and time paradoxes run amok all over the shop, tearing down the walls of realities so all the infinite versions of everyone and everything occupy the same space at the same time, it’s a bit much.

[Jenuall]

IDEA FOR A MOBISODE: EASTER IN THE RED

The easter bunny visits the crew for some reason and with no logical explanation. Kryten shakes so much his nipple nuts explode

[Dave]

IDEA FOR INXS ODE

Lister travels back in time and teaches Michael Hutchence how to play Never Tear Us Apart.

[Dave]

BUICK TO REALITY

In a last ditch attempt to fund the movie, Doug agrees a deal with General Motors to remaster a selection of old episodes to add some subtle product placement on condition that it does not violate their artistic integrity.

As a result, Series V Episode 6 now concludes with the Dibbley party climbing into a Buick and easily outrunning their pursuers due to the Buick’s superior speed and acceleration, before settling down to live a long happy life tending to their new Buick.

[Dave]

BUICK IN THE RED

Kryten’s nanobots rebuild Red Dwarf to the original General Motors specifications, meaning it is now equipped with a fleet of gleaming Buicks. As the boys from the Dwarf flee the rest of the crew, Cat stops and does a little dance with several transforming Buicks. They easily outdance him, to which Cat exclaims “wow, these Buicks really can do anything!”

[Author]

Replies