Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

BUICK TO EARTH

Miniseries set between series VIII and X. The crew become depressed after discovering that their entire existence was in fact just a fictional advertisement for Buicks.

[Dave]

QUICK, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY BRING HIM A BUICK!

Cat urges the crew to retreat, jealous that Rimmer might be gifted a gleaming new top-of-the-line Buick by his mystery captors.

[Pete Part Three]

RETENTION LUMP

When Lister is again stricken with space mumps, Kryten diligently assists with routinely draining his head of gunge.

[Pete Part Three]

IDEA FOR AN EPIDEME SEQUEL

Paul Alexander phones up Doug with ideas for a sequel to a much-loved Series VII episode. Doug rejects the call.

[cwickham]

IDEA FOR AN EXCEL CODE

Doug gives up comedy writing and becomes a master of spreadsheets.

[Dave]

IDEA FOR AN EPILOGUE

Doug whimsically writes a scene about Lister and Kochanski on a farm on Fiji that will probably never make it to the screen.

[Warbodog]

IDEAL FOR AN EPISODE

Chris Barrie suddenly remembers how to play Rimmer properly for 28 minutes.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN

Holly claims to have come up with a mathematical proof that any number equals zero:

1. Pick any two numbers that are the same. Let’s call them a and b.
2. If a and b are the same, then we can say a = b.
3. Multiply both sides by a = a² = ab
4. Subtract b² from both sides: a² – b² = ab – b²
5. On the left hand side is a² – b² which is the difference of two squares. We can write this as (a – b)(a + b). Then on the right hand side we can factorize the ab – b² into b(a – b). The equation becomes: (a – b)(a + b) = b(a – b)
6. Divide both sides by (a – b): (a + b) = b
7. Get rid of the bracket: a + b = b
8. Subtract b from both sides: a + b – b = b – b
9. And therefore: a = 0
10. We didn’t specify what number a was to start with, so a could be anything. Therefore, we’ve proved that any number = 0.

Holly warns them that this proof means that 10 tonnes of solid steel becomes nothing, 100 years of time disappears in an instant, and a distance of a million light years shrinks to zero. The Dwarfers live in one spaceship, but if 1 = 0 Red Dwarf will disappear!

Before this comes to pass, can they find a way of stopping Holly’s zero proof?

[Dave]

THE SAME NUMBER AS CHAMPION THE WONDER HORSE: ZERO!

Rimmer quietly but firmly points out to Holly that step 6 involves dividing both sides by (a – b), and if a and b have the same value then this step means dividing both sides by zero, so it’s no wonder his equation turned out to be a load of bollocks.

[Dave]

B²

Holly’s equation ends up living with a copy of itself and ends up having a terrible time.

[Dave]

A, A, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, IT WAS YOU WHO DIDN’T FIX THE DRIVE PLATE PROPERLY

Lister argues with Holly’s equation about who is responsible for the accident on Red Dwarf.

[Dave]

KRYTEN 2X4B² 523P

Kryten changes his middle name to something less jerky.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY

Holly comes up with another mathematical proof, this time proving that 10 equals 9.999999…. What’s wrong with it?

a = 9.999999…
10a = 99.999999…
10a – a = 90
9a = 90
a = 10

[Dave]

INFINITY WELCOMES CAREFUL MATHEMATICIANS

Rimmer tells Holly to stop fucking around with equations that involve infinity if he wants them to make sense.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ORIGIN OF SAMSARA

Muse pen an entire album detailing the writing processes behind one latter series Red Dwarf episode.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WHITE HOLE AND REVELATIONS

Muse pen an entire album revealing what a white hole is.

[Jenuall]

OUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT

Muse retcon one of their hits to be a reference to the classic episode Out Of Time

[Jenuall]

PLUG IN RIMMSY

Muse pen a song which chronicles Rimmer’s woes when his light bee battery will no longer hold a charge

[Jenuall]

KNIGHTS OF SILICONIA

Muse pen a song describing an encounter with the mounted division of the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front

[Dave]

PLUG IN YOUR HOT WAX DRIP UNSIGHTLY HAIR REMOVER, BABY

Deleted scene from DNA in which Muse show up and urge Cat to ignore Lister’s instructions.

[Dave]

I’VE WOKEN UP IN THE MORNING TO FEELING GOOD FOR NO APPARENT REASON

Lister theorises that a positive virus may be responsible for Muse’s cover of Feeling Good being the first song he hears on the radio that day.

[Dave]

MUSCLE MUSEUM GIVES UP, WAVES A LITTLE WHITE FLAG

Lister is irritated that a large scratch on his copy of Showbiz means he can’t listen to one of his favourite tracks.

[Dave]

SPACE DEMENTIA? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S GOT… SPACE DEMENTIA

Lister tries to talk to a Future Echo of Rimmer, unsuccessfully.

[cwickham]

WIGHTIE TV

Kryten hosts a travelogue where he goes to the Isle of Wight.

[cwickham]

HAITI TV

Kryten hosts a travelogue where he goes to Haiti.

[cwickham]

HEIGHTY TV

Kryten hosts a travelogue where he goes up some really tall mountains.

[cwickham]

HENTAI TV

Kryten broadcasts explicit anime and manga on his TV channel.

[cwickham]

TIGHTIE TV

Kryten hosts a documentary about ill-fitting menswear.

[Dave]

GIVE & TIKKA

Lister is feeling rough because of the loss of his kidneys/his curries. After a long convoluted time-travel plot involving the crew and their future selves as well as robotic identity issues and a crazed killer, Lister manages to go back and steal his own kidneys/his own curries and bring them back to the present.

[Warbodog]

KITEY TV

Kryten streams himself flying a kite in Starbug’s wind tunnel.

[si]

WRIGHTY TV

Kryten adapts Radio 2’s Steve Wright in the Afternoon show for Television, with hilarious consequences.

[Warbodog]

BLIGHTY TV

Uncomfortably jingoistic Diamond Jubilee special.

[Jenuall]

KRYTIE CV

When the crew finally arrive back on Earth Kryten puts together a resume when he realises he needs to find a job

[Jenuall]

KRYTIE GT

Kryten finally gets the realistic toes upgrade

[Dave]

NIGHTIE TV

Slightly more wholesome version of Krytie TV in which the women Kryten voyeuristically films are not quite naked.

[Dave]

MIGHTY LIGHTY TV

Rimmer’s superhero alter-ego gets his own spinoff cartoon.

[Dave]

SHITEY TV

Red Dwarf Series XII, Episode 3.

[Dave]

WHITELEY TV

Lister starts watching old episodes of Countdown.

[Dave]

ALT-RIGHTIE TV

Series XIII sees Doug experiment by pandering to rightwing viewers by playing up white nationalist elements in his storylines and recasting the show with white male actors only.

[Dave]

FRIGHTY TV

Ghostwatch crossover.

[Jenuall]

CRINGEY TV

Collection of all the worst parts of episodes such as Krytie TV and Timewave

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE

The Dwarfers discover a planetoid with a resemblance to Felicity Kendal’s bottom, and decide to take it with them by tying a rope around its equator. However, a group of GELFs also take a liking to the planetoid and decide to tie a rope around its equator that is elevated from the ground by one yard at all points along the rope. Assuming the planetoid is perfectly spherical, how much more rope do the GELFs need?

[Dave]

WOULD ANYBODY LIKE TWO PIE YARDS?

Talkie Toaster interrupts the GELFS while in the middle of their calculations asking if they have some outdoor space to store all the tasty baked treats he has prepared for them, and inadvertently gives them a brainwave.

[Warbodog]

A CHAP LIKE YOU CAN TURN A GUY’S HEAD

Bongo sees a physical therapist to help him recover from a whiplash injury.

[cwickham]

DIMENSION LUMP

Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a massive couch potato.

[cwickham]

DIMENSION MUMP

Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he has the mumps.

[cwickham]

DIMENSION PUMP

Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a petrol station attendant.

[cwickham]

DIMENSION RUMP

Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he has a big arse.

[cwickham]

DIMENSION STUMP

Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a tree.

[cwickham]

DIMENSION DUMP

Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he really needs the toilet.

[Author]

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