Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIX

Rimmer turns up for his latest astro-navs having covered his body in complete and total gibberish once again. The exam consists of fifteen questions, and he has no idea what any of the answers are, but fortunately it is multiple-choice – there are four options for each question.

If Rimmer just randomly guesses answers from start to finish, what are the chances of him managing to get all fifteen questions correct?

[Flap Jack]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIX

Rimmer turns up for his latest astro-navs having covered his body in complete and total gibberish once again. The exam consists of fifteen questions, and he has no idea what any of the answers are, but fortunately it is multiple-choice – there are four options for each question.
If Rimmer just randomly guesses answers from start to finish, what are the chances of him managing to get all fifteen questions correct?

1 in 1,073,741,824

Good luck, Rimmer!

[Warbodog]

WOWEE, THAT’S A PURPLER PROGRAMME!

Phillip Schofield summarises young viewers’ reactions to an episode of Red Dwarf guest starring Tinky Winky, Barney, Spyro, Eek! the Cat, Donatello, that thing from McDonalds and that scary thing from the Moomins.

[Warbodog]

WOWEE, THAT’S A PARP UVULA PRO GRAN!

Phillip Schofield summarises young viewers’ reactions to a profile of England’s top over-60s mouth trumpeter, Gladys Horner.

[Warbodog]

WAR WEE, THAT’S A PLOP/URINE PROGRAM!

Phillip Schofield summarises young viewers’ reactions to a documentary about weaponising bodily wastes.

[Warbodog]

WOW, E! THAT’S A POPULAR PRICE PER GRAM

Phillip Schofield summarises young viewers’ reactions to the latest illegal drug market forecasts.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN

The Dwarfers have a games night, but discover all the board games, gambling chips, roulette wheels and other equipment has been destroyed. All they have are dice, some coins, and a pack of playing cards. Lister invents a variety of different games to gamble with the others at:

– Lister rolls a six-sided die four times. If he gets at least one six, then he wins.
– Lister rolls two six-sided dice twenty-four times. If he rolls a double six, then he wins.
– Lister rolls two six-sided dice. If he rolls a total of 5, 6, 7 or 8, then he wins.
– Lister draws 13 cards from an ordinary pack of playing cards. If there is nothing higher than a 9, then he loses.
– Lister throws three coins in the air. Two of them have to land the same way, heads or tails. If the third coin matches the other two, then he loses.

Are these games fair, and if not, which should the other Dwarfers play if they want to have the best chance of winning?

[Dave]

THERE WAS STILL SOME OF THE LUCK VIRUS LEFT OVER

Because the above maths puzzle takes place in the Last Human universe, Lister simply licks a few drops of luck virus from between Kochanski’s breasts and is unbeatable.

[Dave]

HATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone wears hats. With hilarious consequences.

[Dave]

BATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone has pet bats. With hilarious consequences.

[Dave]

TWATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone is Piers Morgan.

[Dave]

UPWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where time runs upwards.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT

Kryten has a king-size stock cube which needs to last until Starbug can restock its food supplies. To cut it into 27 identical pieces without moving any of the pieces around between cuts, he needs to make six cuts – two through the middle, two down one side, and two down another side.

If Kryten does move the pieces around between cuts (for example, he starts by cutting an end off, then putting it underneath the bigger section so that the second cut goes through both pieces), what is the minimum number of cuts he needs to make to end up with 27 identical pieces?

[Dave]

CHATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone is Alan Partridge.

[Dave]

PATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone is a postman.

[Dave]

MATTWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where Matt Hancock didn’t resign and as a result became Ace Hancock, saviour of humanity. What a guy.

[Dave]

FATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone has put on a few pounds.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE

Red Dwarf is about to blow up, for some reason, and everyone is preparing to evacuate in Starbug. Kryten has a hundred and twenty weights between 1 and 120kg, which he needs to measure out food, but he can’t take them all.

What is the smallest number of weights Kryten needs to be able to measure out anything up to 120kg using various different combinations of them?

[Dave]

TATWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone bought merchandise from the Red Dwarf online shop.

[Dave]

LACKWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone has bought cheap square tables from Ikea.

[Dave]

TRACKWARDS

Thomas The Tank Engine crossover in which the Boys from the Dwarf land on the island of Sodor.

[Dave]

MACWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’t believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

[Warbodog]

BACKSWORDS

Shot-for-shot remake of Backwards, except Lister is surreally wearing a homemade Leonardo TMNT costume throughout and this is never addressed.

[Dave]

WHACKBOARDS

Lister keeps knocking on a narrow passageway that is supposedly made of stone but for some reason it sounds like planks of wood.

[Dave]

BECKWARDS

The Boys from the Dwarf land on a version of Earth where everyone constantly listens to Devils Haircut.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY

Lister has left a bath running in the officers’ quarters. Both of the taps are on, but the plug isn’t in.

The hot tap can fill the bath in 10 minutes. The cold tap can fill the bath in 8 minutes. The plug hole can empty a full bath in 5 minutes. Will the bath overflow, and if so, how long will it take to do so?

[Jenuall]

THE 10%ERS

With one tap running at a 10 minute fill rate and one at 8 the combined fill rate of the two would be 4.5 minutes meaning that yes it will overflow as the input rate exceeds the output rate by 10%. Operating at only 10% of its filling capability it would take 45 minutes to overflow.

Probably, I don’t really know I’m making this up really!

[Dave]

THE 4%ERS

New title for Back To Reality that will appear on the 8K 3D Ultra-UHD direct brain download version.

[Dave]

THE TEMPER SANTAS

Sequel to Red Christmas in which Santa Claus and his army of Father Christmases become irate and try to smash their way into Red Dwarf.

[cwickham]

SEE YA IN FIVE MINUTES

It would actually take 40 minutes to overflow but close enough

[Dave]

THE TRENTER PERCENTERS

The Boys from the Dwarf are sceptical when Rimmer claims to have spoken directly to the German finance minister about the intricacies of a new trade quota agreed with the US.

[Dave]

THE TENSE PURSE ENTERS

Lister tries to tease an on-edge Rimmer by regaling him with an anecdote about a time he stole money from his purse, complete with theatrical sound effects.

[Dave]

THE TENS PA SENT US

Rimmer reveals that he’s rich as he has squirrelled away all of the 10 dollarpound notes that his father sent to him over the years.

[Pete Part Three]

JEDWARDS

Kryten fires up the triplicator once again, and creates two copies of Jedward. The “high” copy is really good at singing. The crew try and work out which is the low version.

[Dave]

THE VICAR OF DIBBLEY

A dimensional rift brings together two of Cat’s alter egos – Ace Rimmer’s padre and the duke of dork – and the newcomers must attempt to fit into a sleepy parochial rural British parish, with hilarious results.

[Pete Part Three]

B.ODDIESWAP

Rimmer is replaced as the ship’s hologram by everyone’s favourite goodie. Guest starring Tim Brooke-Taylor.

[Dave]

BIDDIESWAP

Lister and Rimmer are turned into old ladies.

[Dave]

BADDIESWAP

The Boys from the Dwarf are forced to fight Darth Vader, while Luke Skywalker battles a mutton vindaloo beast and fails due to the lack of lager in the Star Wars universe.

[cwickham]

MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE

On a standard zero-gee football pitch, the penalty spot is 11 metres from where the goalkeeper is in goal. The kicker can whack the ball at a speed of about 30 metres per second. How long does the goalkeeper have to save a penalty?

[Warbodog]

BODYSWAPSWAP

The episode order of the series III byte 2 video is reversed as a meta joke.

[Warbodog]

BODYWASPS

Lister develops space hives. They burst and a swarm of space wasps come out.

[Warbodog]

BODYSWAT

Overcompensating episode-length denouement to BODYWASPS.

[Warbodog]

BODYSWOT

A tedious fan criticises the inaccuracy of a pun about wasps living in hives, while not having a problem accepting the fantastical premise of the episode.

[Warbodog]

BODYTWAT

The guys meet an evil space fanny (Klunge) that was separated from its body when it was exiled from Dimension X.

[Dave]

BOBBYSWAP

Doug announces that the role of Kryten will from now on be played by Bobby Davro.

[Pete Part Three]

M-BAPPE

When Doug inexplicably casts a professional football player in a guest role, Norman desperately tries to organise another soccer match during rehearsals.

[Pete Part Three]

BLOODY WAP

Lister is stranded in the year 2003 and quickly becomes frustrated with the slow download speeds available to the Psi-scan.

[cwickham]

POLYDWARF

A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into seven different forms is discovered.

[cwickham]

POLYFORTH

A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into the Forth Bridge is discovered.

[cwickham]

POLYWORF

A new breed of polymorph which can only turn into a Star Trek character is discovered.

[Author]

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