Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dollar Pound]

BEYOND A JOKING APART VHS

rifling through salvage, kryten’s junky half brother finds not just an old vhs of joking apart starring robert bathurst and fiona gillies, but also a badly soiled ghostwatch vid.

[Dollar Pound]

POLYELK: SNACKWARDS II

returning to the parallel universe where drinks are snacks and snacks are drinks, lister enjoys an ale and steak pie-nt

[Dollar Pound]

SNACKMEN OF THE APSNACKOLYPSE

snacky’s snackdrive is infected by an ‘elk virus’ which means kryten has to sit on the spatula on his head to download the virus into a nanobotic ar suite in his anus. in the game he is a drunk sherif in his anus.

[bloodteller]

DEAR DAVE- Lister opens a letter he thinks is adressed to him but it’s actually for former Get Your Own Back presenter, voice of the Smarties in Smarties Meltdown (PS2), and Dimension Jump host, Dave Benson-Phillips. He throws the letter away

Meanwhile, Rimmer and Kryten listen to “Boris the Spider” by The Who and declare it recommendable

[Dave]

BEAR DAVE

Lister gets turned into a bear by the DNA machine.

[cwickham]

CLEAR DAVE

Lister becomes all transparent.

[flanl3]

QUEEabut DAVE

Lister joins the crew of the Enconium. Unfortunately for him, there is a new rule that everyone on board has to be homosexual, and he tries to ask whether that’s a criticism of straight people except that’s a criticism too so he gets sent to the Enconium’s gay room and all the gays zap him with a gay ray and he’s gay now and the gays want to do that to you too kids better steer clear

Meanwhile, Kryten bags himself a prison bitch, but was it an accident?

[flanl3]

The fuck is autocorrect doing changing queer to queeabut?

[Dave]

QUEEabut

Red Dwarf is taken over by a strict new computer called QUEEabut who makes the crew work and exercise to the point of exhaustion to earn their keep. Lister is disappointed to receive dinner of a PEabut on toast in return. But it turns out that all along it was a prank by HOLLabut.

[bloodteller]

NEAR DAVE- kryten stands a bit too close to lister

meanwhile rimmer gets decapitated in a bin

[Dave]

AUSTERE DAVE

Lister does an impression of Rimmer’s mum.

[bloodteller]

FEAR DAVE- lister goes absolutely mental after the curry supplies run out again. kryten and cat are cowering in fear of him but luckily a knight escapes from the AR machine and horribly murders lister, leaving blood absolutely all over bloody fucking everything. kryten cleans it up disapprovingly

meanwhile captain hollister buys some JNCOs, with dire consequences

[bloodteller]

SPEARMINT DAVE- lister brushes his teeth to an excessive degree and the fluoride fucks up his teeth. now its up to Kryten And The Boys to do experimental dental surgery on lister. luckily a dentist escapes from the AR machine and manages to fix up the teeth before Kryten And The Boys do any more damage.

meanwhile cat tries to use red dwarf’s internet services to look at sick shit (yes they do have internet on red dwarf, they mention it in XI) but trouble is a-brewing when he forgets to delete his search history

[Dave]

RAM SCOOP

Rimmer starts a ship newspaper and is delighted when he discovers that a male sheep is alive somewhere in the cargo decks, making it his first front-page story.

[Moonlight]

ACE HOLE

Ace Rimmer competes against Snacky in a game of miniature golf for the title of King of Space. Meanwhile, Lister writes his senior thesis on Rimmer’s twatitude.

[bloodteller]

BACK TO PERTH- kryten decides to quit his red dwarf gig and go back to western australia

meanwhile rimmer discovers that legally the south pole doesnt belong to any country and so he starts selling off sections of its land to unsuspecting land lords

[Moonlight]

BLADE TO EARTH

A bunch of G&Ters insist you can’t follow Back to Earth without watching Blade Runner first, even though the only difference it makes is being able to spot which bits are also homages to the film.

[bloodteller]

SCLERA DAVE- dave benson phillips eye goes all red and he nips down to Boots to get some ointment. unfortunately he accidentally gets vicks vaporub and squirts it directly into his eye which is unsurprisingly rather painful and it just makes his eye redder. he squirts it in the other one too so that at least he will match. unfortunately this also has the side effect of making him look absolutely fucking insane

meanwhile lister escapes from the AR machine and goes around punching waitresses until Big Meat subdues him

[bloodteller]

GRIER DAVE (ALAN)- the famous In Living Colour star gets his names the wrong way round

meanwhile lister fights some more waitresses but actually gets arrested this time, thank god

[Pete Part Three]

HACK TO EARTH

A bunch of G+Ters insist that Back to Earth is a pile of wank, and the pointless Blade Runner references don’t help matters and simply draw attention to themselves, while failing to serve the story or Red Dwarf as a whole in any meaningful way.

[flanl3]

ME:

One person’s weak answer to the question “who likes Back to Earth?”

[Ben Paddon]

Oh good, I’ve always wanted to be on the show.

[flanl3]

ME TOO:

Ben Paddon speaks up as well.

[Moonlight]

Me3

After responding to “me too” with “me three”, Lister is beaten to death with police batons.

[Moonlight]

IDENTITY WHIPPIN’

Low Rimmer stars in his very own episode! A naughty waiter must be shown the error of his ways when he delivers the tomato soup cold, so Low Rimmer kidnaps the waiter and chains him in a dungeon to whip him within an inch of his life. Hilarity ensues when it turns out that’s not all he was planning to do.

[Moonlight]

XIII

It’s all CG now. Yeah, seems like we should’ve done that three years ago. Live and learn.

[flanl3]

Series XIII Episode 1:

Rimmer’s glad to be back in his own universe. Something’s a little off, though: everybody’s being nice to him, even Cat. Instead of the usual “Hey let’s put Rimmer in a dangerous situation” jokes he instead makes jokes about staying behind so Rimmer can go on. This is all just a bit weird, so he takes a stroll through sone of the engine decks. Suddenly, he sees a massive container marked “SAMSARA”. It hits him: this isn’t his universe. Here, the Samsara wasn’t reprogrammed, rather it crashed in a horrible accident on the same moon, so the crew had decided to pick up the good drive and try it, only once they had it they couldn’t get rid of else it would punish them. Now Rimmer has to make a choice about whether he wants to stay or leave, and if he’s nice enough, will the karma drive alter reality so that he skips out to one of the universes he’s trying to find where he isn’t a failure?

[Dave]

Series XIII episode 2:

Kryten invents a new way to travel between parallel universes and meet alternate versions of the crew, and everyone acts really surprised and interested and they weirdly don’t mention the Quantum Skipper or Ace Rimmer even though it’s all basically the same idea in a slightly different way.

[cwickham]

THE LOST ADVENTURE

All the cutscenes from Red Dwarf XI: The Game are pasted together to make an episode because someone saw they did a similar thing with the Futurama console game.

[Dave]

SALOONED

When Rimmer and Lister accidentally crash Starbug on a snow planet, they decide to kill time while waiting to be rescued by Cat and Kryten, by booting up the AR machine and spending time in the bar from ‘Streets of Laredo’.

“The world loves a bar steward!”, declares Rimmer as he orders a dry white wine and a Perrier, before regaling Bear-Strangler McGee with tales of Rimmer’s past life as Alexander the Great’s chief eunuch. Meanwhile, Lister must stave off starvation by choosing between the only food remaining in the saloon: a pot noodle or a bowl of raw coffee.

Luckily, the whole thing is resolved when the Sheriff bursts through the door and shouts: “THE BLOOO MIDGERT IS LOW-DERRRRDD”.

[Ridley]

YOU²BUD

After Cat does a funny but stupid cute thing, Lister uploads it to the Outernet. Rimmer steals the footage for himself and precedes to upload dozens of versions as he correct his captions, adds more ads as well as links to his other videos which are just redirects to previous copies of the file he won’t delete for the views.

Also Kryten has a camera in his urethra or something.

[Pete Part Three]

Red Dwarf XXX : A Space Orgy

The crew has a mass gangbang. Again. Cuh!

[Pete Part Three]

Ballooned

Kryten develops some more old photographs and is shocked to discover he has put on weight over the past 30 years. But was it an accident or just because he ate some pies?

[Dave]

THANKS FOR DE EMMONY

The cast and crew of Red Dwarf write a nice letter to Andy de Emmony to thank him for stepping in and directing Series VI.

[Pete Part Three]

Region

Chris Barrie does his funny voices. Certain fans point out that his Lister impersonation is just a generic scouse accent.

[bloodteller]

THANKS FOR BALAMORY- the crew use the time leap machine to travel back and thank the cast of cbeebies show “balamory” for creating an entertaining and wholesome show for kids. unfortunately kryten gets into a spat with archie the inventor regarding his dubious “robots” and lister nicks all of pc plum’s custard creams

meanwhile rimmer screams in anguish

[flanl3]

LONELIER HOODS…

Rimmer is getting bored on Red Dwarf, so he joins the KKK. He then realizes that this leaves him with no friends on the ship. He decides to remain a member of the Klan but also decides to start arranging his living space for good health and optimal energy. Remember…

“Lonelier Hoods Try Feng”

*credits roll*

*credits pause*

“Shui”

*credits play*

[si]

It’s threads like this that ‘mark all as read’ buttons were made for.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE ‘READ’

When a Ganymede & Titan forum poster decides to mark all the posts in the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread as ‘read’ without actually reading them, he misses out on some hilarious nuggets of comedy gold. Albeit hidden among a vast majority of old shite.

[Dollar Pound]

BACK IN THE WED

kryten introduces his new invention: a time machine. he acts like he came up with the whole idea and not h g wells. he convinces the crew to try and travel back in time to last thurs but his hands are too big to operate the controls because they have grown even more since he made the machine and he sends them back a day too early

[Pete Part Three]

Sirens

Si decides to stop reading the “Ideas for an Episode” thread but, in doing so, is oblivious to a pun on his name.

[Pete Part Three]

Si-scan

Si decides that, instead of reading the “Ideas for an Episode” thread, he will just have a skim through now and again instead. Which is nice.

[Dave]

BAP IN THE BREAD

Lister hollows out a loaf of brown bread so that he can hide the last white bap on Red Dwarf inside, to stop anyone else from eating it. With hilarious consequences.

[Dave]

CRAP IN THE THREAD

Si gives his opinion on the ‘Idea For An Episode’ thread.

[cwickham]

TIME-SI-S

Some time passes before Si next reads the “Idea for an episode” thread.

[Ridley]

SIDEA NOT FOR AN EPISODE

Has one anyway.

[Pete Part Three]

Si Mention Bump

References to Si increase in the “Idea For An Episode” thread, when he denounces the thread as a waste of time,

[flanl3]

CON-SI-DENCE ANS DAVE-ANOIA

A forum user is certain that he’s not missing out on anything by not reading this thread, while another worries that they could miss out on occasional good posts by not reading it.

[Dave]

KRY-SI-S

Si gets upset and starts to weep when everyone in the thread won’t leave him alone.

[Pete Part Three]

Sicolonia

Si escapes to Mexico to be free of crap puns and shit threads.

[Author]

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