Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[bloodteller]

SI-TE HOLE- the “idea for an episode” thread gets so big that it rips a hole in si’s trousers, causing him to have to locate another pair of levi jeans.

meanwhile kryten tries to take up origami but his bulky and jerky metallic fingers dont have the delicacy required to make a decent-looking swan

[Ben Paddon]

TIMEDAVE

Owing to dodgy set top box firmware, everyone’s TVs immediately turn to Dave Ja Vu after an airing of “Timewave” and are forced to endure the episode again.

[si]

This is a waste of time. Leave me alone! *weeps*

[cwickham]

RESCUE MY PANTS

Lister messes with data for the sake of an unfunny joke.

[Dave]

JUST ICE

Lister goes into a wine bar and is asked whether he wants ice and lemon in his Gin & Tonic.

[cwickham]

JUST RICE

All characters and sets in this episode are played or made from rice.

[cwickham]

JUST MICE

Crossover with The Clangers, with Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Cat all played by the titular mice.

[cwickham]

JUST VICE

Lister gets trapped in a vice.

[Dave]

ADJUST SPICE

Not too little, not too much…

[Dollar Pound]

LANCE OF POWER

a knight escapes from the ar. he has a ‘lance of power’. they defeat him using the ‘spoon of destiny’. which is real now

[bloodteller]

JUST A SLICE-kryten is cutting up his birthday cake and he asks the cat how much of it he wants.

[bloodteller]

DANCE OF POWER- lister and rimmer learn how to properly express their feelings through the medium of freestyle dance. they later reflect on the depth and meanings that can be conveyed through this medium and declare that dancing can indeed be very emotionally powerful

meanwhile Kryten tries to krump but everyone thinks hes shit

[bloodteller]

VALANCE OF POWER- rimmer comes back to the sleeping quarters one night to discover kryten has put a valance round his bed. lister is pleased at this development as it means he no longer runs the risk of accidentally witnessing rimmer having a holo-wank. lister begins to put valances round everything because theyre actually quite useful, but unfortunately this is met with much anger from the rest of the crew who now cant even see the TV because lister has only gone and put a bloody valance round it. suddenly the simulants invade but lister manages to stop them by putting a valance round them. this leads the rest of the crew to realise the true worth of valances

[bloodteller]

STANCE OF POWER- rimmer does that fucking weird pose from Officer Rimmer for the whole episode

[Dave]

TALENTS OF BAUER

Everyone in the crew of Red Dwarf suddenly gets hooked on the TV series ’24’, in particular finding themselves entranced by the capabilities of the lead character.

They are also intrigued to learn that, like many of the best TV series, it really starts to run out of steam around Series 7 when it tries to liven things up by making loads of arbitrary changes to the concept and characters.

[Dollar Pound]

BODYVALANCE

kryten has come up with an invention he calls a ‘bodyvalance’. the crew try to explain to him that this is basically a dress, as a valance is just a kind of dress for furniture. kryten throws tomato soup on everyone’s beds and tells them to smeg off

[flanl3]

STANCE OF POWER II: IT’S CALLED STAND-UP MANSPREADING, I SHIT YOU NOT, SOMEBODY TAUGHT ME ABOUT THIS LIKE TWO DAYS AGO

Self-explanatory.

[Moonlight]

DIRE DAVE

After a Polymorph sucks out his taste, Dave claims that season six of 24 isn’t the show’s nadir. Can he be saved by an emergency dose of season 2 with Kim Bauer edited out? Meanwhile, Si decries the thread for devolving beyond what he thought previously possible.

[Dave]

I was actually going to say Series 6 (which is clearly the case), but then it ruined the Red Dwarf comparison.

[Ben Paddon]

BODICE OF POWER

Phwoar, eh? etc.

[Dave]

SIX OF THE REST

Special double-VHS compilation of six handpicked Red Dwarf episodes: Timewave, Krytie TV, Only The Good, Back in the Red Part Three and Pete (both parts). Features an accompanying CD recording of a viewer’s anguished reaction to marathoning all six episodes, as well as a special hologram of Archie.

[bloodteller]

SIX OF THE BREAST- an episode that is nothing but a live-action performance of that one storyboard scene from The Bodysnatcher Collection

[Dave]

TWIX ARE THE BEST

Special ‘remastered’ version of Bodyswap in which the Toffee Crisp is replaced through the magic of CGI with a low-res approximation of a Twix bar.

[Dollar Pound]

TWIX2

so four twixes then

[Dave]

MELTBROWN

Lister keeps a Twix in his pocket all day.

[Dollar Pound]

TWENTYQUID

expanoids hold rimmer hostage demanding £20 but the crew don’t have any old money. they negotiate, shelling out a valance for the casket of cronos, a broken cloche and an inflatable tie rack. rimmer is grateful but the crew explain they still don’t like him but they just wanted to stop cat making tiresome jokes about how much he hates him.

[Dave]

THE BEGG INNING

GELFs challenge Lister to a game of cricket.

[Dollar Pound]

SCILLONIAN

a timewave washes up a passanger ferry that goes to the isles of scilly. lister and rimmer fix the vending machines and kryten cleans up all the puke. the passangers are so grateful they chip in a total of twenty quid. lister throws it away because it is worthless

[bloodteller]

THE SHINTOQUISITOR- a time travelling simulant teleports onboard red dwarf and quizzes the crew about the traditional religion of japan. rimmer and the cat are erased from history after cat misspells the name of izanami-no-mikoto and kryten gets his head crushed for no discernible reason. luckily lister manages to trick the shintoquisitor from drinking directly from the dipper during a temizu and this upsets him so much that he erases himself from history which brings everyone back i guess

[bloodteller]

THANKS FOR THE REVERIE- rimmer’s risk stories get so dull that lister falls into a pleasant daydream about becoming a valance. lister wakes up and thanks rimmer for this as now he has realised his true purpose in life is to become a valance. unfortunately this isn’t possible

meanwhile the cat does a tap dance with red dwarf itself

[Dave]

COMFY VALANCE AND PARANOIA

Lister worries that Rimmer will steal his bed.

[Dave]

PARALLEL SPOONIVERSE

Holly creates a dimension-jumping drive that transports the crew to a parallel world in which all cutlery is reversed. After Lister spends hours in tears of frustration trying to cut up a steak with a spoon, the crew decide it’s a rubbish parallel world and go back home.

[Dave]

JUST THE SMUGS

Outtakes clip show in which we get a behind-the-scenes peek at Red Dwarf cast members looking really pleased with themselves.

[Dave]

JUST THE BEGGS

Ill-advised spinoff series based on about three minutes of ENTANGLED.

[bloodteller]

JUST THE BACON AND EGGS: alternate cut of skipper where listers full english breakfast is noticeably reduced

[Dave]

JUST THE SNOWS

Idiosyncratic commentary track for series I-VIII featuring Jon Snow and Peter Snow.

[bloodteller]

JUST THE LEGS- horribly cropped version of the show in which the cast members can now only be seen from the waist down (like travis in that one episode of blakes 7). the sole exception to this is parallel universe where the crews opposites can only be seen from the waist up.

[flanl3]

ONLY THE LEGS…

Rimmer looks under the sheets in the mirror universe.

[Warbodog]

FUN, FUN, FUN…

The series finale of Red Dwarf brings things satisfyingly full-circle with a plot that seems random and nonsensical on the surface, until it gradually becomes clear that they’re literalising the lyrics of the theme tune, in order. For example, the bit where Kryten asks Lister why he suddenly cried out in pain and Lister says “goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes, man.”

This fan-pleasing exercise baffles casual viewers, especially as the key lines themselves are drowned out by the riotous applause and laughter of recognition from the studio audience who are proud of themselves for getting there a full half-second ahead of the script.

The action-packed final scene sees the crew encounter another pointless variant of hostile GELFs or Simulants whose name abbreviates to F.U.N. (i.e. “fun”). The crew go into stasis and fly back to those three suns from that shot in ‘Krysis,’ pursued by three F.U.N. ships, which they end up tricking into colliding with each of the suns. The episode ends with Lister saying “now that’s what I call ‘F.U.N., F.U.N., F.U.N. in the sun, sun, sun” and the studio audience completely lose their shit. In the background, you can just about make out Seb Patrick saying “rayyy.”

[Dave]

JUST THE ARPEGGIOS

Edited version of the Red Dwarf theme tune that only retains the sections with the lyrics “it’s cold outside”, “I’m all alone”, “I want to lie” and “drinking fresh”.

[flanl3]

Peacock?

[Pete Part Three]

Emohawk 1 : Polymorph 2

The Emohawk and the Polymorph have a football match. The game is complicated in the first few minutes when the Emohawk scores, experiences the emotion of joy, and the Polymorph drains it from him. After that he’s a bit uninterested in the whole thing. You know, like Sunderland.

[Pete Part Three]

Thanks for the Emmy

Rob and Doug thank everyone for the Emmy. Then someone points out that Seth MacFarlane’s won lots of emmys, so they throw it in the bin and piss on it.

[Dave]

THANKS FOR THANKS FOR THE MEMORY

Fans of “Thanks For The Memory” stage a homemade remake in tribute to the original. Unfortunately it turns out to be so crap that they decide to bury the master tapes and wipe their memories of the whole affair.

[clem]

THANKS FOR THUMB EMERY

The crew do some mining to help out a GELF tribe who need specially designed nail files for their freakishly large pollices.

[Pete Part Three]

Slime Tides

In honour of Red Dwarf’s 30th Anniversary, Doug writes a special 3-parter paying tribute to the film that inspired its creation: Ghostbusters 2. Half the budget is blown on recreating the river of slime so there’s no money left for a studio audience or any jokes. When someone on G+T points out that Red Dwarf actually pre-dates Ghostbusters 2 by a year and they share no real similarities, Doug shrugs and does a face.

[Pete Part Three]

Mmm-Carp

The Vending Machines run out of Trout a la Creme, so the Cat develops a taste for carp. To be continued!

[Pete Part Three]

Mmm-crap

In part 2 of the story, the Cat has a really satisfying shit after all that carp. It’s slightly more eventful than Dear Dave.

[Ben Paddon]

M-BOP

Mmmbop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du, yeah-ee-yeah.

[Dave]

OUTPUT OF TIME

When the crew of Red Dwarf come face-to-face with their counterparts from the future, they become embroiled in a furious row over exactly what HD output format UK is broadcast by UK tv channels.

[Author]

Replies