Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

JIM AND BEXLEY ON SPEED

Lister’s kids develop a drug habit when they realise they were abandoned by their father in a universe where the only flesh and blood woman is their mother.

Debs jumps to our crews universe to try and get Lister to have a man to man with them, resulting in Hilly meeting female Holly who goes onto develop another computer rash … or so she says.

[Dave]

WHITE HOL

When Red Dwarf’s senile on-board computer sets up a right-wing political party and advocates Earth’s withdrawal from the Solar System (citing immigration concerns and insisting that other planets will be queueing up to strike a trade deal with Earth once it leaves), conversations with the crew become increasingly awkward.

[Dave]

STRIMMERWORLD

Lister and the Cat take a Sunday-morning jaunt to Red Dwarf’s on-board garden centre.

[Dave]

TIKKA TO: EMOHAWK

When the crew of Red Dwarf accidentally travel back to Dallas in 1963, they are surprised when JFK transforms into a huge slobbering beast who wants to attach its probing suckers to anyone who it comes into contact with. However, Jackie assures them that it happens all the time.

[bloodteller]

SONIC 3D BLAST HUMAN

after waking up from stasis lister and the posse find themselves in an alternate dimension populated by Flickies. they try to save them but the awkward isometric perspective means they promptly crash on mobius. the book ends as lister decides to fuck tails

meanwhile silversonic becomes human and robotnik discovers he has a son. nothing ever comes of either of these plot points.

[bloodteller]

BREAKFAST HUMAN

lister uses the DNA machine on his bacon sandwich with black coffee and french mustard. it turns into dave benson phillips.

meanwhile rimmer drinks undiluted ribena and then plays the Young Ones computer game

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

QUIET HOLE

The Cat discovers a whole in the hull ship, but declares it his and keeps quite about it.

Meanwhile the air slowly leaks into space leaving Lister and Cat to slowly asphyxiate in a painful death scene that last 3 episodes.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE BLUE

Lister is dismayed to find that one of the clones made of him, after licensing his genome, went on to have a career in the adult-entertainment industry. Rimmer gleefully broadcasts the offending footage all over the ship until everyone gets really bored of the whole thing and chucks the last remaining copies into Blue Midget before setting the autopilot for the nearest sun.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KRY THAI TV

Kryten and Taiwan Tony team up to create a cooking channel for the ships crew. Lister, Cat and Rimmer never watch it as they have Kryten to do all their cooking for them, and also … it’s a little racist.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE YELLOW

Taiwan Tony returns.

[Pete Part Three]

MY COCK, ARCHIE

Kryten decides to introduce Archie to some more people, but the naughty rascal keeps on popping up their arseholes to explore. The studio audience breaks into rapturous applause each and every time.

[Dave]

BACH IN THE RED

Kryten, in an attempt to imitate his more cultured counterpart Butler, insists on playing classical music at irritatingly loud volumes throughout Red Dwarf for 23 hours a day. Driven to distraction, the crew soundproof a Starbug and live inside, in the hangar.

[bloodteller]

BACK IN THE BLACK

in their efforts to escape red dwarf, the crew disguise themselves as angus young. then, for no discernible reason they all parade into the corridor to the tune of AC/DC’s “you shook me all night long” followed by some skutters disguised as brian johnson. they steal a cadillac and escape, only to discover the plot has stopped making sense and they are promptly imprisoned for crimes against music

[bloodteller]

BALANCE OF WHOLEMEAL FLOUR

kryten tries to make some bread but the part of the recipe explaining how much flour to use is inexplicably missing. he ultimately adds too much and his loaves come out all horrible and stodgy. but was it an accident? it doesnt really matter because he makes the crew eat them anyway. “it’s really nice” says lister.

[Dave]

I’LL BE BACK IN THE RED

James Cameron returns for a Terminator sequel in which the future leader of the human race is a slobby Liverpudlian and the robot sent back in time to kill him has a skull for a face, a magic glove, and sounds a bit like Jack Docherty.

[bloodteller]

BALANCE OF HOWARD

it’s the anniversary of howard’s death, and in a spiteful prank rimmer reactivates his hologram- while his lightbee is tangling over the 200ft drop of the brig’s prison tower. can howard stay calm and composed enough to macgyver his way out of this difficult situation? no, he just dies of shock instantly due to the heart attacks the rimmer family frequently suffer from, as seen in rimmerworld.

meanwhile lister plays jenga using cat’s Luxuria CDs

[Dave]

I’LL BE BACK TO REALITY

Sarah Connor, Kyle Reese and the T-800 awaken to discover that their lives were actually part of a total-immersion video game. They are immediately berated by Timothy Spall for playing the ‘prat version’ of the Terminator for four days, at which point Eddie Furlong shows up and wonders what this means for his future participation in the franchise.

[cwickham]

BACH TO REALITY

Lister discovers he is actually an 18th century German composer.

[cwickham]

BACH IN THE RED

An 18th century German composer is found on board Red Dwarf.

[cwickham]

BACH TO EARTH

An 18th century German composer returns to his home planet.

[cwickham]

SLIMEWAVE

Basically the same as Timewave, but the camera has been covered in slime.

[cwickham]

SLIMECAVE

Basically the same as Slimewave, but now thanks to chromakey the whole episode is set in a cave.

[cwickham]

SINECAVE

Basically the same as Slimecave, but with a load of trigonometric calculations written on the screen.

[cwickham]

SINECAVA

Basically the same as Sinecave, but watched after drinking a bottle of wine.

[cwickham]

SINELAVA

Basically the same as Sinecava, but the master copy of the episode has melted.

[cwickham]

SINLAVA

Basically the same as Sinelava, but it breaks the Ten Commandments.

[cwickham]

BINLAVA

Basically the same as Sinlava, but put in a bin.

[cwickham]

SIDEWAYS

The Dwarfers arrive on a version of Earth rotated 90 degrees.

[Pete Part Three]

BACK TO REGALITY

Rimmer contracts another holovirus and learns he is to be crowned the new King of the Potato People. Meanwhile, you smell bad.

[Dave]

BACK TO BACK IN THE BACK TO BACKWARDS

Reverse-order compilation of all Red Dwarf episodes starting with the word ‘back’.

[Warbodog]

QUALITYTEEN

Rimmer gets Kryten to whip up a timeslide of that photo of teenagers on a beach he habitually pervs over. He steps inside so he can perv at a closer angle, because a man standing there dressed all in green and wanking isn’t conspicuous at all.

[bloodteller]

ALMANACKWARDS

the posse travel back in time and buy a sports almanac so that 3 million years in the future lister will be able to bet on the winning pig in his gamble with dispenser 23. hilarity ensues as the posse realise he couldve just wound the tape forward

[bloodteller]

PAPPARDELLE UNIVERSE

version of tikka to ride set in the alternative universe from ouroboros in which lister likes pasta. the posse travel back in time to 1988 minneapolis and visit local pizza chain Pizza N’ Pasta where lister makes a large but ultimately not overly demanding order. as he turns to his left he notices something. “hey. what are all those people doing gathered round that giant pizza?” turns out theyre just impressed at how big it is. what a crazy escapade for the zany boys from the dwarf

[Dave]

SPEAKER TO RIDE

John Bercow buys a Harley-Davidson.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

JUST THE EXTRA

A follow up to the Just the Shows boxsets, but it’s just the scenes from the show that include guest extras.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

JUST THE SMEGS

It’s a DVD of one of those youtube type videos that just edits together all the times “smeg” is said on screen

[Dave]

PUN MEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

When the crew of Red Dwarf are attacked by rogue simulants who infect Starbug’s navicomp with a computer virus, Kryten and his crewmates are forced to fight it off in a simulation in which the Apocalypse Boys are personified as Tim Vine, Milton Jones, Stewart Francis and Gary Delaney.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

RED DWARF A-Z

The cast sing the alphabet song with celebrities such as Garry Bushell, Patrick Stewart, James O’Brien and Eternal, who put the emphasis on the letters in all the wrong places.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

UNIVERSE CHALLENGE

The crew challenge the Universe from Krysis to a game of Junior Angler. The crew win owing to the Universe not having any hands.

[Dave]

BEGG IN THE RED

The BEGGs visit Red Dwarf and start eating all of Lister and the Cat’s garbage. Then they choke to death, for no discernible reason.

[Dave]

BE

[Dave]

BEGG TO REALITY

The BEGGs wake up and discover that their entire life was a total-immersion videogame, and they are actually Rod Jane and Freddie.

[Dave]

BEGG TO EARTH

When Earth becomes a giant space-dump and farts its way out of the solar system, the BEGGs realise they’re in for their biggest meal yet.

Unfortunately, before they have time to tuck in, they all choke to death for some reason.

[Dave]

BEGG TO DIFFER

One argumentative BEGG disagrees with the others and refuses to eat garbage.

It then chokes to death, fuck knows why.

[Dave]

BEGG THE QUESTION

A strange BEGG starts asking questions like What Would Red Dwarf Be Like If It Started In 1964?, Which Red Dwarf Member Looks Most Like A Vegetable?, Would You Watch Red Dwarf If It Was Projected Onto A Potato?, and Have You Ever Not Watched An Episode Of Red Dwarf While It Was Being Broadcast?

It then chokes to death, yeah I don’t know why either.

[Dave]

BEGG YOUR PARDON

One of the BEGGs eats a load of garbage and then sonorously farts for the remaining 26 minutes of the episode.

It chokes to death during the closing credits.

[Dave]

THE BEGGINNING

Rimmer asks a BEGG if it has ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet. Before he can get an answer, the BEGG chokes to death.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CAN’T BEGG WON’T BEGG

The BEGGS are joined by Ainsley Harriott to satirise a mid 90s TV cooking show. The choke to death or something.

[Dave]

JUST THE BEGGS

Four hours of the BEGGs choking to death. Nobody knows why.

[Dave]

BEGGWARDS

Documentary about the hospital rooms in which choking BEGGs are housed, perpetually moments from death, for reasons that medical science has yet to discern.

[Author]

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