Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

A BEGG AMONG BEGGS

Chris Barrie stars as a famous BEGG who is some kind of sports star or something. Nobody watches it, but presumably he chokes to death, I dunno.

[Dave]

ROBOT BEGGS

Shit gameshow in which amateur inventors devise robots that compete to choke a BEGG to death the quickest.

“You’ve watched some shit in your time
But this is the dregs
We’ve got very low standards
On Robot BEGGS!”

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BEEGHEAP CHALLENGE

Two teams battle it out to create the biggest pile of BEGGS by choking them to death with parts from a scrapyard.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BEGGHEAP CHALLENGE

Same premise as above but spelt correctly.

[Warbodog]

SAME UNIVERSE

The Holly Hop Drive doesn’t work. Rimmer gets back on the bike, Lister picks up his knitting and Cat finally tracks down his sexy dream and noisily masturbates to completion while the others try their hardest not to notice.

[Warbodog]

KRYTEN

Kryten-centric episode from series XIII, not to be confused with the Kryten-centric episode from series 2 or the character Kryten (played by Robert Llewellyn). Doug forgot there was already an episode called that until it was too late, and they’ve already printed the Blu-ray sleeve a year in advance so it has to stay.

[Warbodog]

WAITING FOR COD

Cat heads to the food dispenser every day, vainly hoping that today’s fish will be cod even though it never is. He could just ask for cod specifically, but he doesn’t think of that because he’s an idiot. Something of a bottle episode.

[Warbodog]

FETISHISTS ASSEMBLE

Red Dwarf is in deadly peril once again, but Kryten confidently assures everyone that Batman and Spiderman will save them, to the bemusement of Rimmer and Cat and the shame of Lister. It turns out Kryten walked in on Lister and Ackerman during one of their steamy roleplay sessions. Red Dwarf is destroyed with all hands, the end.

[Warbodog]

EXCELSIS

Self-explanatory.

[Ben Saunders]

ONLY THE NUDE

Chaos ensues as the ship’s entire stock of pornography mysteriously vanishes and the crew are forced to find alternative means of getting off. Meanwhile, Lister spills some soup in his bed and has to sleep in Rimmer’s bunk. And all of his clothes are in the wash.

[Dave]

SICKBEGG

Craig Charles stand-up DVD in which he plays to an audience entirely composed of BEGGs. Early on in the set, an obviously-planted BEGG chokes to death, setting up some witty put-downs from Craig.

[Ben Saunders]

BEGG FOR FORGGIVENESS

Disaster strikes for Lister as he falls in love with a BEGG woman he met on holiday to Pastrami II and she chokes to death on his cock. But was it an accident?

[Dave]

RED DWARF: BEGG THE GEEK

DVD game in which contestants must answer trivia questions posed to them by a BEGG. Unfortunately the game is only 1 minute and 35 seconds long as the BEGG chokes to death halfway through the first question.

[cwickham]

ONLY THE HOLYROOD

Lister decides to run for the position of First Minister of Scotland. The rest of the episode is taken up with Rimmer listing the reasons he can’t, including the fact that Planet Earth is three million years’ travel away and the human race is extinct.

[Dave]

BROLLYMORPH

The Polymorph’s plan to surprise the crew by turning into an umbrella fails due to the fact that it never rains on Red Dwarf.

[cwickham]

HOLLYMORPH

Festive special in which the Polymorph disguises itself as Santa Claus, before it becomes apparent the episode is a prequel to “Red Christmas”.

[Dave]

HOLLYMORPH II: HATTIENORM

When the Polymorph tries to impersonate Red Dwarf’s on-board computer, it gets confused due to the head-swap operation and ends up as a hideous amalgam of Hattie and Norman.

[bloodteller]

SPACESLIDES

some developing fluid mutates which somehow allows the crew to travel into photographs. unfortunately it can only take them through space and not time so the posse visit a pub in the year 3 million and rimmer creeps around in an abandoned boys school dorm. these actions have no effect on anything

[bloodteller]

OUT OF SPACE

after navigating an unreality minefield the crew discover the space drive. it can take them through space so the posse just go back to earth and the show ends

[Dave]

TIMESLEAZE

The crew of Red Dwarf wonders why someone was taking photos of a boys’ school dormitory after dark when everyone was asleep, but everyone is too polite to ask.

[Ben Saunders]

TIMEWHEEZE

The boys find a photograph of a girl’s college dormitory and use the Timeslides to have a right good wheeze. Everything is fine and dandy until we realise the crew are pushing fifty.

[Dave]

TIME PLEAS

Prosecutors pursuing Lister, Rimmer and Cat over the girls dorm incident demand a custodial sentence.

[Dave]

CRIME SPREES

It turns out that Rimmer, Lister and the Cat have broken the law several times over the course of their adventures, so the police throw the book at them.

[Dave]

THYME TREES

While his crewmates are incarcerated, Kryten tends a herb garden.

[Dave]

LIME FLEAS

Er… Something about a lime tree and a dog or something.

Meanwhile, a BEGG chokes to death.

[cwickham]

WAITING FOR HOLYROOD

Having been informed that his dream of becoming First Minister of Scotland is impossible, Lister decides to wait until they return to Earth to do so.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

RHYME BEES

The crew discover a colony of bees that have evolved over 3million years and are now sentient. They meet a posse of bees that have formed a rap group and attend their concert. Unfortunately, evolved bees are still predisposed to get agitated and sting potential threats, so start to attack the new comers in the crowd.

This kills the bees and leaves the Red Dwarf crew with some nasty, but easily treatable, stings.

Meanwhile a BEGG chokes to death for reasons unclear, especially as they weren’t even in the episode.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE FUTURE

It’s basically that bit from Psirens where they travel back in time, but not space and they realise they must get back to the future. Doug strings this out over 3 episodes claiming it’s a homage to a much loved 80s sci-fi movie … no-one is having any of it though.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TIME RIDES

Rather than use the time wave from Time Wave to get back to their own time, the crew waste their opportunity and time by space surfing on the wave like a theme park time ride. For budgetary reasons, rather than make these surging effects from scratch, GNP buys footage from Power Rangers In Space leading to some very confusing shots of the crew in brightly coloured spandex riding time waves on unconvincing space surfboards.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BEYOND A BOOB JOB

A recasting of Kochanski again is explained away by Krissy using the time wand to accidentally give herself a complete body transformation rather than just a boob job.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FLINTSTONE SLIDES

Cat and Lister take frames from their Flintstone’s video to create a portal into cartoon land using mutated developing fluid so they can fuck Betty and Whilma.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TROJAN LEAP

In a cross over with early 90s sci-fi TV series Quantum Leap, the quantum rod leaps Sam Beckett aboard the Tojan into the body of Cat. After some initial confusion as to the drastic change in Cat’s personality, Kryten best guesses the exact cause and deduces they need to extract Sam and send him home.

Using the quantum rod, Sam is jumped backed to his own body, providing a satisfying if not weird end to the series.

Meanwhile Al becomes full of jealousy because Rimmer is hard light and he isn’t, and promptly dies. No-one notices as they can’t see him.

[Dave]

WIT HOLE

Shortened version of White Hole that has been edited to remove all the jokes.

[Dave]

FELTDOWN

Lister and the Cat go through airport security.

[Dave]

BODYSWAB

Lister and the Cat are detained by airport security.

[Dave]

OUT OF TERMINAL

Lister and the Cat finally escape airport security.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK TO REALTY

The crew wake up to find out they are actually 4 estate agents that have been playing a video game for all this time. The fact they all played dimwitted versions of their characters is of no surprise to the brummie technician.

Upon hearing the news that they are literally the scum of the earth, they all kill themselves and the show ends forever.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE TERMINAL

Cat and Lister’s flight is delayed

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

KRYTIE VT

All the pieces to camera Robert has recorded in character, for the show, for the smeg ups, for the trailers etc, complied into a one disc special DVD release

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SHODDY CROP

Rimmer goes to the hair dresses and is given a really bad haircut.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STAR KNOT

Mr Knot becomes a a minor celebrity when he performs a very moving rendition of My Heart Will Go On in a prison talent contest. Unfortunately irony is just around the corner when he suffers a heart attack aboard a sinking ship days later.

[bloodteller]

BACKWARDSLIDES

some developing fluid mutates and causes polaroids to develop backwards. kryten just turns them around

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BLEW

Someone blew out the Cat’s birthday candles before the party, but was it an accident.

[bloodteller]

BUTLER THAN LIFE

the crew enter a total immersion videogame where lister is a sailor-mouthed pirate captain in a sitcom that looks like it was made on the budget of a bloody school play. rimmers deranged psyche saves everyone by ending the show after 6 episodes. thank goodness

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DNA SLIDES

Kryten unfortunately uses mutated fluid to develope his “double Polaroid”

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STASIS BLEAK

Lister is rather unfortunately placed in the stasis booth on floor 16, killing him and the show before it’s even started.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ONLY THE OOD

In a bizarre mix up, an episode of Red Dwarf is composed only of shots of The Ood from Doctor Who. A BEGG still manages to choke to death despite not being in the episode.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ONLY THE FOOD

A compilation of all the food being consumed in the show, from Listers pie in the End, Cat’s fish, beer milkshakes, various curries, space weavle, and the scene from Leigon amongst others.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WAITING FOR ZOD

The crew watch Superman and spend 90mins waiting for popular antagonist Zod to appear, but are disappointed to discover he doesn’t return from the start of the film until Superman II

[Warbodog]

WAITING FOR NOD

A Noddy superfan learns that his bell-hatted hero features in an episode of Red Dwarf. They love surprises, so don’t find out which episode, and have to sit through 53 and a half installments of a programme that’s really not their cup of tea, only to find out Noddy’s just some bloke in a sci-fi memorabilia shop.

[Author]

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