Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Warbodog]

WAITING FOR TOD

Hormuzd Todiwala’s mum finds out that her son guest starred in Red Dwarf. They love surprises, so don’t find out which episode, and have to sit through 57 and a half installments of a programme that’s really not their cup of tea, only to find out he just plays an unmemorable Waiter in Lemons.

[Warbodog]

WAITING FOR YOD

Travelling through lonely space for three million years, Holly always hoped he’d one day see a yod. You know, the astrological aspect pattern that involves any three planets or points in the horoscope that form an isosceles triangle. This phenomenon occurs when two planets are sextile (60° aspect) to each other, and both are then quincunx (150° aspect) to a third. By the time they finally come across five yods at once, he’s too stupid to remember what a yod is. Imagine not knowing that!

[Dave]

BACK TO MIRTH

Lots of the comedy titles in the ‘idea for an episode’ thread start to get repeated, but everybody is too polite to point it out. To be honest, in a thread with 1,748 posts there’s bound to be a bit of duplication, isn’t there? Meanwhile a BEGG feels a bit peckish and decides to have a sandwich. What’s the worst that could happen?

[cwickham]

BACK TO PERTH

Lister finally makes it to Scotland, only to discover that Kryten has already been elected First Minister of Scotland.

[cwickham]

McECHOCRACY

Kryten is elected First Minister of Scotland in this special flashback episode.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MSP-CORP

Kryten and a contingent of the Scottish Parliament turn everything in the UK that isn’t Scottish invisible in a bid to win independence from the union.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

4,691 HAGGIS

Kryten tasks Rimmer with taking stock of all of Scotland’s produce and assets, and a familiar scene from a series 1 episode is resurrected. Fans bemoan Doug is out of fresh ideas and is making too many fan service call backs to earlier episodes.

[Dave]

LOTHIAN

The crew encounter a mysterious character dressed head to toe in skintight tartan lycra. “I am Lothian, for many are wee,” he intones, presumably referring to the Rimmer munchkins.

Anyway, he turns out to be a gestalt entity, made up of the combined personalities of every single living Scotsman. To escape his clutches, they therefore have to kill everyone in Scotland.

[Moonlight]

BLACK IN THE DEAD

Lister and Kochanski’s date at the Black Hole Bar and Grill goes hideously wrong when she trips over a box of safety forms and is crushed into a singularity. Lister shakes his head and glances down at the vial of sexual magnetism virus he was saving for when she got drunk. “What a waste,” he sighs quietly, and resumes eating. He continues to eat in silence for fourteen minutes, occasionally glancing around with a look of mild confusion as if he isn’t sure if they’re still rolling or not but doesn’t want to spoil the take if they are. Afterwards, Doug mercifully calls “Cut, no, keep going, no, cut, yeah, no, cut! That’s a wrap” Craig Charles proceeds to packs up his things to go home, but discovers that Chris Barrie has slashed his tires in revenge for the horse incident. “Well fuck me three ways from Sunday,” says Craig, and hitches a ride with Danny John-Jules. On the way home, Craig is in the middle of telling a profoundly offensive jokes, but before he can get to the punchline consisting of screaming the word “Cunt!” over and over, they are pulled over by a police officer. “Don’t worry, bud,” says Danny. “Happens all the time.” “License and registration,” orders the cop. Danny complies, at which point the officer shoots him seventeen times for moving his hands too quickly. Craig shrugs, and looks to the camera. “Well, what are you gonna do?” he asks, us, the audience, before knicking Danny’s wallet and making a run for the nearest bar.

[Dave]

BLOOP

Lister is sad because he’s missing Rimmer. To make himself feel better, he therefore watches the ship’s entire library of ‘It’ll Be Alright On The Night’ and other similar blooper-type programmes. But this turns out to be a terrible idea that only leaves him more depressed.

Luckily, at that moment a passing BEGG chokes to death, which cheers him up no end. He only wishes he had caught it on camera to send in to Denis Norden. Even though he’s now been dead for three million years.

[cwickham]

BLACK UP IN THE RED

That guy who was in the Dimension Jump XVI costume competition as Dwayne Dibbley shows up.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SICK UP ON THE BED

Cat eats too much fish and is sick aaaaallllll over Lister’s bunk.

Kryten has to clean it, and a BEGG chokes to death of camera but is heavily referenced throughout the rest of the episode.

[Pete Part Three]

SMACK IN THE BED

In a very special episode, Lister develops a Heroin addiction and spends the entire episode in bed, getting fucked out of his head. Craig Charles wins a BAFTA for his startlingly realistic portrayal. Meanwhile, I’m wearing two belts.

[bloodteller]

GLUE

the show is moved to E4. in this episode the posse do loads of drugs and play dare games inside a grain silo. the following morning the dead body of kryten is found underneath a tractor, but was it an accident? we’ll never know, because i didnt actually finish watching it

[bloodteller]

BLUEBERRY

krytens gone and done the weekly shopping at the ship’s Tescos but the only fruits he has bought are oranges. lister begins to miss blueberries and spends fucking ages moping about it before kryten makes him realise he must eat his tangerines or he’ll get scurvy

[bloodteller]

JEM AND THE HOLOSHIP

rimmer attempts to join Starlight Music but due to his complete lack of musical talent or marketable skills has no real chance of getting a job placement there. luckily Jerrica Benton relinquishes her life so that he can take her place. unfortunately it turns out her earrings were all projecting the holograms in the area including rimmer so they just sort of turn off forever

[Moonlight]

THE THREAD CONTINUUMS THE THREAD CONTINUUMS

Katydid reflects on the amusing nature in which a single title pun can lead to a number of subsequent ideas all basing their puns around the same episode title, perhaps even additional iterations of the same pun being used in a different way.

[Moonlight]

FUCK MY ARSE WE’RE HALFWAY TO A FIFTH PAGE

cwickham’s obsessive tracking of the progress on the “Idea of an Episode” thread reaches new heights as he begins to forgo sleep every night, lest he miss the transition to a new page. Meanwhile, a very funny episode of Red Dwarf plays unnoticed in the background. The episode title is like a pun on “Stasis Leak”, where they replace one or both of the words in the title with a soundalike that gives it a humorous new meaning.

[Warbodog]

PETE: PALEONTOLOGIST’S CUT

The CGI Tyrannosaurus in Pete is improved and updated to reflect current understandings of the prehistoric tyrant’s skin tone, feathered crest, posture, speed, etc. Unfortunately, that’s the extent of the improvements, so the dinosaur still scoffs an impossible amount of food and drink that magically grows inside its belly and bloody hell it’s been almost 20 years let it go.

[Moonlight]

PETE: PART COW

Seriously, what the fuck was that paper mache cow? Was that actually supposed to be a real cow?

[Warbodog]

PETE: PART LISTER

Pete refuses to eat the curry, so Lister has to live up to his promise and drinks the entire paddling pool of murky water until there’s only the raw papier mache cow left, which he’s also forced to eat. He then drops his pants and Chris Veale animates a convincing CGI fireball coming out of his anus, followed by a shower of diarrhoea particles reused from the flushing Starbug in Tikka Xtended. The audience is appalled into silence, so we only hear that weird canned laugh on a loop.

[Pete Part Three]

BETTER THAN WESTLIFE

Todhunter, Captain Darling and their Officer Chummies go on Planet Leave and end up in an American-style Diner. Claudia Schiffer, in a guest role, arrives and the Officers get into a dance-off with shit boyband Westlife. Claudia then has to decide which 5 lucky guys she’s taking home tonight. Meanwhile, stuff happens elsewhere.

[Dave]

BETTER THAN THE HIGH LIFE

Red Dwarf is more popular with audiences than that sitcom about a Scottish airline.

[Dave]

BETTER THAN HALF-LIFE

When someone suggests that Red Dwarf is better than a classic FPS that arguably revolutionised the genre, a violent argument breaks out.

[Dave]

BUTTER, THEN WIFE

The crew of Red Dwarf watch Last Tango In Paris.

[Warbodog]

BETTER THAN LIFE OF BRIAN

Doug Naylor risks a bold gambit during promotional interviews for Lemons that he instantly regrets and never lives down.

[bloodteller]

PETE PART 1.5

doug naylor recieves the bill for the dinosaur FX and the next 26 minutes of the episode is just him being really unhappy because now there’s no budget left to do “Earth” and so he’ll have to make Pete into a bloody two parter. he screams in anguish and then shits everywhere

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE DRAFT

The crew team up with William Baldwin for the sequel nobody knew they wanted to Backdraft.
Ron Howard and Doug Neighbour burn down the set of Red Dwarf with the entire cast on it, laughing manically as Baldwin and the Red Dwarf posse frantically tries to extinguish the flames.

(for reference – http://www.denofgeek.com/uk/movies/backdraft/56201/backdraft-2-is-on-the-way)

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

how the hell did I spell Doug’s name so utterly wrong?!

[cwickham]

NAYLORS, EVERYONE NEEDS GOOD NAYLORS

Doug Naylor is cast as Dr Drake Robotez on the popular soap opera “Androids”.

[Dave]

CACKWARDS

Original version of Backwards in which all the backwards stuff was done in-camera rather than with reversed footage, which not only looked shit but also put a remarkable strain on the actors. Luckily the whole thing was abandoned and re-mounted when Arthur Smith vocally complained after yet again being forced to vomit up a pint of bitter for the fifth take.

[bloodteller]

BACKRICE

for the 30th anniversary “cant smeg wont smeg” is reshot but in reverse like in backwards. unfortunately filming is stopped after the disturbing consequences of kryten attempting to cook rice in reverse

upon broadcast the episode ends with a hastily written caption explaining that the basmatti rice, which was much less intelligent than the pilau, stowed away in listers rice fields- where it died of mould age many hours later

[bloodteller]

RICEIS

kryten gets a midlife crisis halfway through doing some pilau and drops the bowl on the floor. rice is everywhere and he starts crying. lister says he should cheer up because its literally just rice but kryten wont stop sobbing.

eventually they have to take him to a literal rice god to resolve this small affair, yet somehow nobody is really that impressed that theyre talking to a legit god here

[cwickham]

RICEIST

Taiwan Tony returns, now selling rice.

[cwickham]

DYER DAVE

The role of Lister is recast and goes to Danny Dyer.

[cwickham]

RIMMERWORLD

Alternative version of Timewave where there’s never a timewave, so they never leave Planet Rimmer and never board the SS Enconium.

[cwickham]

BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS

Backwards Forwards Backwards, but played forwards. Widely criticised as pointless.

[cwickham]

CRY TEN

The word “ten” is shouted really loudly.

[Moonlight]

ha HA Ha ha

Canned Laughter Guy from VII/VIII and Remastered stars in his very own episode! Awkward silences following non-joke lines are given a hearty “ha HA Ha ha” to fill the gap. Eventually Rimmer can take no more and attempts to slit his wrists. He fails, and curls into fetal position. Everybody in the audience who’s ever actually picked out that specific laugh can never watch VII and VIII again without hearing it just pasted EVERYWHERE, and summarily stops watching Red Dwarf until they can learn how to sort it out in the dub. Meanwhile, Kryten’s rich uncle Milford dies and leaves him a new mop.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MELTDOWN

All of Nigel’s piercings are removed and melted down in an episode slated by fans as Nigel is nice, why would anyone do that to him?

[Warbodog]

MELTUP

Desperate to win the fans back, Doug scraps the next episode and wastes a precious slot just reversing the previous episode so Nigel’s piercings solidify and end up back on his face. This only annoys the fans more, to be honest. “You like ‘Backwards’, don’t you? What do you fucking want?” the sleep-deprived writer-director yells at the empty street before posting a more calm and collected response on Twitter.

[Dave]

BREAD WHARF, SERIES 1 EPISODE 1: AN END

Doug Neighbour teams up with Rob Grunt to produce a cheap knock-off of Red Dwarf set at the headquarters of Warburton’s. In this opening episode, the entire staff of Warburton’s is killed in a yeast explosion, except for Dean Leicester who was in the loo during the accident and his pet mouse who was safely sealed in his desk drawer.

[Dave]

BREAD WHARF, SERIES 1 EPISODE 3: BALANCE OF FLOUR

Dean Leicester decides to try and outrank his chatbot companion, Arthur Ribbler, by passing the master baker’s exam.

[Dave]

BREAD WHARF, SERIES 1 EPISODE 4: WAITING FOR COB

Dean Leicester has put some crusty rolls in the oven. They’re taking a while.

[Warbodog]

WED GORF

While playing too vigorously on a Gorf arcade cabinet, Lister accidentally knocks it over and tries to right it again with his customary ineffective lifting technique. When he promptly orgasms, he decides it must be love and marries the arcade machine in what we hope isn’t a satire on same-sex marriage.

[bloodteller]

BREAD WHARF EPISODE 45- STACK IN THE BREAD

after driving the bread van around for ages, dean leicester and the others finally manage to relocate the Warburton’s factory. their celebrations are short lived however, as they discover the factory has hired on a whole load of new staff and so dean will have to go back to stacking up the granary loaves.

[Dave]

BREAD WHARF EPISODE 22: WHITE ROLL

Dean keeps being asked by his artificially-intelligent toaster if he wants some toasted bread products. He immediately acquiesces as he has few other options given that he lives alone in a giant bread manufacturing building.

Meanwhile, the waste disposal facility in the focaccia plant malfunctions, and starts spewing thyme back into the factory.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

GRANARY & TORTILLA

Popular Bread Wharf fan site re-brands itself in the wake of posters obsession with bread based puns.

[Dave]

BREAD WHARF EPISODE 23: PIE MENSCH N’ JUMP

When a man from the Pukka factory visits Dean for a cross-company training day – and turns out to be a stand-up guy with a love of Van Halen – Dean gets a glimpse of how life could have been for him if things had only gone a little differently.

[cwickham]

BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS FORWARDS BACKWARDS

Backwards Forwards Backwards Forwards, but played backwards. Widely criticised as pointless.

[Author]

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