Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

TIMESHAVE

Lister has a shave, at the usual time he has one.

[cwickham]

SLIDETIMES

Lister recalls all the happy times he had in the local playground as a child.

[cwickham]

SLADETIMES

Lister recalls all the happy times he had listening to “Merry Xmas Everybody”.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE THREADS PART 5

The crew discover rushes for several sequels to the 80s nuclear apolcalyptic movie, ‘Threads’, revealing that a franchise was planned from the beginning. Each film gets bleaker and bleaker than the previous and drives the crew to depression. On the verge of committing suicide Holly thankfully is able to wake them from their nightmare …. oh wait, Holly is gone and this isn’t a hullucination … the crew all die. This isn’t the ending to the show fans were expecting.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK IN THE THREADS PART 5 EXTENDED

The DVD release includes 10mins at the end of the episode of the crew lying dead and bleeding on the floor of the bunk room as the stage hands tear the set down. Has Doug actually killed these people?!

[cwickham]

IDEA FOR AN EPISODE 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

This joke is ruined by the fact that this is actually post 2002.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

QUINN-MAN OF THE APOLOGIES

Forum user Quinn rides in on a horse to say sorry to cwickham for ruining his joke.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

QUINN

Queeg is digitally replaced with forum user Quinn in a special remastered mark 2 edition of the series 2 episode. It’s a bit shit and no one quite understands why, least of all Quinn.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WAITING FOR QUINN

A dying cat priest is granted his final wish to meet Quinn, who is just as perplexed by the entire situation as everyone else reading this.

[cwickham]

WAITING FOR 2500

Nobody remembers to say “fuck my arse” when this thread reaches a new page, and by the time they do it’s much too late.

[Pete Part Three]

BACK TO READABILITY

In a tiny pocket of the Internet, regular contributors to an increasingly obscure forum thread celebrate 2000 posts of inane, bizarre and nerdy nonsense based around creaky puns. For a fraction of a second, drawing things to a close is considered. And then someone notices that a word in a Red Dwarf episode title vaguely sounds like something else, so off we go again.

[cwickham]

BACK TO FERALITY

Lister realises he was really raised by wolves.

[cwickham]

BACK TO FEARGAL SHARKEY

Lister admits it’s really him singing on “A Good Heart”, and decides to resurrect his old career.

[Pete Part Three]

OUT OF TIM

Tim from The Office guest stars. The rest of the cast are increasingly exasperated with his frequent attempts to break the fourth wall when he keeps on staring at the camera.

[Pete Part Three]

OUT OF JIM

Jim from The Office guest stars. The rest of the cast are increasingly exasperated with his frequent attempts to break the fourth wall when he keeps on staring at the camera.

[cwickham]

SEA-CORP

It is revealed that Red Dwarf is not actually a spaceship at all, but a boat, and everyone dies in the vacuum of space as a consequence.

[Pete Part Three]

NOT GOING OUT OF TIME

Donna from The Office guest stars.

[cwickham]

NOT GOING OUT OF TIME PART TWO

Lee Mack guest stars, and shits everywhere.

[cwickham]

THE END OF NOT GOING OUT OF TIME

Timothy Dalton spits on Lee Mack until he runs off set.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

LAST OF THE SUMMER TIMEWAVE

An episode guest starring lots of old and beloved comedy actors, inevitably resulting in 2 of them racing down a hill uncontrollably in a bath tub until they reach a velocity that propels them 3 million years into the future and onto the Red Dwarf, crashing into Cat’s washing just as he finished hanging it.

[Pete Part Three]

BETTER THAN LIFE

A fan wonders whether Red Dwarf is better than Life, the 2017 film starring Jake Gyllenhaal, but gets so distracted by the correct spelling of “Gyllenhaal”, that he ends up looking at stuff on Wikipedia for 20 minutes.

[Pete Part Three]

2018

The crew time travel to the year 2018 for a special 2018th episode. They notice that 2018 is a bit shit and quickly leave.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BITTER THAN LEMONS

The crew enter a virtual reality game set on a planet that looks suspiciously like Earth in 23AD … however the only thing to eat is a rather disgusting fruit that is worse than eating lemons.

They decide this was a particularly bad idea and leave … only to discover soon after that they haven’t left the game.

This is never resolved.

[Dave]

SPAMMERS

Spinoff from Dimension Jump in which the Lister from Ace Rimmer’s dimension logs on to G&T and notes the tendency for posters in the ‘Idea For An Episode’ forum discussion to spam the thread with terrible efforts whenever the post-count gets close to a multiple of 500, just to push it onto a new page.

[Dave]

TIMENSION JUMP

Deleted scene from Dimension Jump in which Ace Rimmer realises that as well as crossing over to a parallel dimension, he has also jumped forward in time by three million years, thus effectively making the Wildfire a time machine as well as a dimension-hopping spaceship. Despite the fact that this could have a huge impact on the Red Dwarf crew’s predicament, everyone forgets about it almost immediately and it is never mentioned again.

[Pete Part Three]

QUALITY CONTROL

The Inquisitor masquerades as a member of Quality Control, and then goes on a quest to judge which posts in the “Idea for an episode” are worthy of existence. He gets half-way down page 1 when he thinks “fuck it” and wipes the whole lot. Including this one, which creates a paradox. You know, like in Star Trek and stuff.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DIMENSION RUMP

Rimmer claims Lister’s bum is so big that is spans multiple dimensions

[Dave]

DAMNATION ROMP

The crew of Red Dwarf watch “Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey”.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DALMATIAN ROMP

Lister, in his sexually starved state, has sex with a dalmatian which has escaped evolution for the last 3 million year. It’s still not as terrible as that vending machine scene, and some actually find it quite lovely and beautiful in a sick way.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TWENTIKKA TO RIDE

The crew travel through space and time to the 20th century on a curry hunt, only to find that curry is in prohibition. Kryten suggests Lister learn to love pasta, and they leave empty handed.

[Warbodog]

MUM

Unusually sombre episode in which Kochanski returns, pregnant with a child that – it’s strongly implied – was not conceived consensually. After a BAFTA-worthy emotional discussion with Lister, she wipes away the tears and decides to go to the medical bay to “just put things back to normal.”

Don’t worry though, it’s then back to the Red Dwarf we know and love, as Kerry Shale makes his long-awaited return as the Elmo-voiced Medi-Bot, which hilariously misunderstands her request for several minutes until it’s finally cleared up. Post-operation, she retires to her old quarters to recuperate, only to find Kryten’s decked them out with party paraphernalia and an inappropriate banner. Kochanski looks miffed, but when she sees Lister cracking up, she joins in too, so it’s… … probably alright?

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

BACK TO REAL ALE

After decades of drinking larger, Lister decides it’s time to go back to real ale … after a tense day searching the cargo deck for a cask, he discovers Red Dwarf only carried larger. Disappointed he sits down despondently, contemplating this fate that has been bestowed upon him.

He soon awakes from this dream and cracks open a cold can of Leopard Larger and everything is normal again.

[Warbodog]

CONDESCENSION AND PATRONISATION

Helpful, albeit slightly sarcastic text commentary track included for all episodes on the Blu-ray release that explains slightly adult jokes for children or foolish adults who don’t know that rubber shares are condoms and that Holly didn’t actually have computer rashes in Parallel Universe, and the male Holly’s fate wasn’t some kind of unresolved cliffhanger.

[Pete Part Three]

McINTYRE UNDERCOVER

George McIntyre presents a hard-hitting expose on how dead people are treated as second class citizens in the Jupiter Mining Corporation. Towards the end of the episode, George is replaced as presenter by the hologram of someone else.

[bloodteller]

SEINSARA-PART 3

after a lengthy recap by newman, we discover the posse are still attempting to leave the parking garage. they are stopped by a security guard, but jerry does an elaborate tapdance with kramer’s car, allowing them to escape. unfortunately it turns out they were in an AR simulation, having passed out and being plugged into the software after licking some psychotropic wedding invitations. they leave AR and attempt to make their escape in real life, only to discover they’re *still* in AR, with george having licked one of the psychotropic envelopes while visiting the store with susan. being let out of AR for real this time, the posse are confronted by newman and arrested for crimes they didn’t commit, leading to them getting sent to prison for a year.

[Dave]

Ok, SEINSARA is brilliant.

[cwickham]

WHITE HOLE

The Dwarfers discover a mysterious space-time phenomenon which gets fucked every time this thread goes onto a new page.

[Warbodog]

OUT OF COCKING PUNS

Talking of Red Dwarf, I wonder if Red Dwarf…

I wonder if Red Dwaaaaarf, ahhhhh…

runs its engine on… red… petrol?

Red. Reds. “Come on you reeeeds!” Communism.

Okay, let’s have some more music. (Takes off headphones and skulks out of thread).

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

GONE THE WHOLE WERNHAM HOGG

In this special cross over episode to celebrate comedy on the BBC, nanobots resurrect the characters from The Office aboard Red Dwarf. Rimmer and Brent instantly clash as Rimmer sees a threat from this successful but socially awkward manager of this new office team. Initially Rimmer tries to one up Brent much to the crews dumbfounded amusement by trying to crack awful jokes and start impromptu dance competions.

Listen and Tim get on famously as they pull pranks on Garath, whose territorial army training is the focus of ridicule until his battle tactics save them from a GELF attack.

Cat inappropriately persues Dawn leading to a scuffle with Tim that leaves them both in the medi-bay

Kryten hurries around cleaning up Keith’s Scotch Egg crumbs and is in “Hoggs Heaven”

Rimmer finally tired of Brent and the rest of the team so plots to get rid of them by flushing them out of an airlock, leaving fans stunned as much loved characters freeze in the vaccum of outer space.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ONE FOOT IN THE STASIS BOOTH

Victor Meldrew wakes up 3 million years in the future aboard Red Dwarf and he simple cannot believe it.

[Dave]

TOAST OF LONDON JETS

Todhunter moves in with Talkie Toast, an out-of-work AI toaster who has been reduced to humiliating voiceover work and making toast for the local zero-gee football team. The sitcom tracks their lives through storylines that combine surreal absurdist humour and catchphrase-based comedy (“yes I can hear you Kris Kochanski”).

[Dave]

CONFIDENCE AND SONICMANIA

Lister reckons he can complete Titanic Monarch Act 2 in under five minutes.

[Dave]

CONIFER DENSE AND PEAR AMMONIA

When Lister drunkenly bets Rimmer that he can prove that he is the better gardener, a feud ensues. Rimmer sabotages a row of fir trees being cultivated by Lister by deliberately replanting them all too close together, while Lister poisons Rimmer’s pyrus plant by pouring NH₃ on its roots.

[Dave]

CAMPHOR DENTS AND PARANOIA

Shortly after joining Red Dwarf, Rimmer becomes erroneously convinced that the antique trunk once gifted to him by his father is being damaged in a series of minor bumps and small impacts.

[Dave]

COLUMBO, MORSE AND PERRY MASON

Lister sets up an afternoon marathon of mystery-based TV programmes.

[cwickham]

CLOCHE FIDELITY DENTS AND PARANOIA

Kryten’s cloche is installed with AI, which becomes increasingly less certain it is the only cloche Kryten uses.

[Dave]

CAMPER DENISE AND PAR IN NORA

Some words are put together that vaguely sound a bit like ‘Confidence and Paranoia’, and forum members go to great lengths to come up with a tenuous plot that connects them, to justify the tortuous pun.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CUM ON THE FENCE AND PEE IN HER EAR

Rimmer mishears the title of an episode of Red Dwarf and has a very weird sexual encounter

[cwickham]

KRYSIST

Kryten’s mind is uploaded into the body of Taiwan Tony.

[cwickham]

MELDREWOCRACY

Kryten is challenged for re-election as Machine President by Victor Meldrew.

[Author]

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