Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

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  • #261006
    Dave
    Participant

    FUCK MY PARKER KNOLL, WE’RE ON THE 16TH PAGE

    Self-explanatory.

    #261007
    cwickham
    Participant

    Fuck my arse we’re on the sixteenth page

    #261009
    Rubber
    Participant

    FRANK’S WANKS

    Dwarflore mainstay Frank masturbates. AAAAHHHH, BUT WHICH ONE? Meanwhile, Lister gets Kochanski conspicuously sozzled and Kryten forcibly nudges her down the spiral staircase when no-one’s watching.

    #261010
    tombow
    Participant

    CRIT COP’S BRIT POP

    CC and his wife relax to a radio stream of mid 90s indie bands

    #261012
    Paul Muller
    Participant

    THE INQUISITOR’S VISITOR

    The immortal simulant is driven to despair when his obnoxious cousin Simon travels down from Dundee and insists on staying in his spare bedroom for three weeks.

    #261013

    WE’RE FOUND A STASIS LEAK ON PAGE 16

    Forum members are disappointed to discover ideas for an episode leaking into page 16 from all over the thread, resulting in no original content for 500 posts.

    #261019
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    THE NEXT THREE MILLION YEARS

    Dave commissions another 47 episodes in its Red Dwarf retrospective, with episode 50 dedicated to the end of series party for Series III.

    #261021
    Rubber
    Participant

    ZIGGY’S PIGGIES

    Fluffbonced frockcoat Ziggy starts breeding his collection of pigs with jugs to make pugs, but instead he just ends up with lots of jugs of pig semen – though, on the SS Encomium, that’s good enough for the sperm bank! Meanwhile, Lister spends the entire episode being portrayed by crack aficionado and Ghostwatch alumnus Craig Charles.

    #261022

    THE FIRST THREE MILLION SECONDS

    Due to a typographical error, the current run of 3 documentaries was meant to cover the first month of the Red Dwarf production, but ended up covering all of it with a shite whimsical title.

    #261023

    THE THIRD SERIES BECKONS

    A 3 PART DOCUMENTARY SERIES ABOUT NORMAN’S OFFER AND ULTIMATE REJECTION TO APPEAR IN SERIES III

    #261024
    Rubber
    Participant

    DEATH’S JEFFS

    Multibrow drooptache baldibonce simultant Death spends a stressful evening trying to juggle three separate simultaneous dates with his obliviously chuckholded young boyfriends Jeff, Jeff and Jeff, all without losing track of his cover stories or losing track of his temper and blasting them to atoms. Meanwhile, Cat decides it’s time to incorporate more fibre into his diet. Pass the Bran Flakes, smegheads! Guest starring Himesh Patel as Jeff, Liam Williams as Jeff, Tom Rosenthal as Jeff and John Bercow as Winking Maitre D’.

    #261026
    Rubber
    Participant

    SNACKY’S JACKIES

    Broad-shouldered beefcake dispensary Snacky stumbles across a stash of 1970s and 80s Jackie magazines in a stasis booth and promptly vanishes for several years while he ploughs through all the frothy back issues, mostly for the problem pages if he’s being honest. Meanwhile, everyone’s really into paper scissors stone, but poor old Holly feels like a corpse on a bouncy castle: not really able to participate fully! Chin up, armless!

    #261034
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE MIDDLE THREE MILLION YEARS

    Ill-advised fly-on-the-wall documentary about Craig Charles’ time in prison.

    #261039
    si
    Participant

    THE SET UP

    1)Things to do: Go back to page 13…

    A G&T forum member picks up on a comment made by quinn_drummer on page 12, and ‘finishes’ a comment he ‘starts’ on page 16 back on page 13.

    #261040
    Rubber
    Participant

    TELFORD’S GEL HOARDS

    It’s the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic and fauxchassised psychoprick Professor Telford scurries around the research base gathering up all the little bottles of antibacterial handwash and hiding them in various covert crannies for his personal use only. Meanwhile, Kryten’s amusing plan to pretend to shake hands with Kochanski, only to break one of her fingers at the last second, takes a tricky turn when he accidentally rips her entire arm off, panics and crushes both her legs and then punches her in the boob. How’s our favourite mech going to talk his way out of that one?

    #261048
    tombow
    Participant

    ESCAPE FROM THE ZIGGY PIGGY

    Having already found the perfect curry and shami kebab across space and time, Lister is in need of an ice cream desert to wash them down. From other cosmic time travellers they hear tales of a place in San Dimas, California, on 1980s Earth. However..they discover too late it is run by a pink-uniformed figure they have encountered before…

    #261049
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISE’S PIZZAS

    Brainpasted photocopy Lise Yates’ pizza restaurant goes down the [deep!] pan when her controlling boyfriend David insists she pour curry sauce over everything before serving it. Meanwhile, Rimmer gets really into A/R Risk and it’s all fun and games until several war-hungry platoons escape from the A/R machine just as the crew discover that one of their number has idiotically switched all the live bazookoid ammo for blanks. Duck, smegheads!

    #261050
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    BEHOLD; A JOKE

    Si spends months constructing an elaborate joke on the Idea for an Episode thread, which amazes several posters who weren’t aware that this thread was intended to be amusing.

    #261051
    desbug
    Participant

    IT’S NOT JAILBAIT

    Its the 16th page!

    #261052
    Rubber
    Participant

    SILVER HOLO-WARE

    It’s the sixteenth page, but how best to technically inaccurately mark the occasion? WELL. After checking the Wikipedia entry for wedding anniversary gifts, Rimmer nips down to space John Lewis and returns with an array of silver sugar bowls, creamers, coffee pots, teapots, soup tureens, hot food covers, water jugs, platters and butter pat plates, before firing up his diamond light drive and turning them all soft light so nobody else can use them.

    #261053
    si
    Participant

    THE REPLY

    BEHOLD; A JOKE

    Si spends months constructing an elaborate joke on the Idea for an Episode thread, which amazes several posters who weren’t aware that this thread was intended to be amusing.

    To be fair, the thread was racing along at that point, and I was expecting a week or two at the most.

    #261054
    Rubber
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHT!

    Rimmer turns into the Mighty Light, gives Lister a big hug and turns him soft light, trapping him in the same incorporeal hell Rimmer suffered through for five years before Legion fisted him solid. Don’t you mess with the Mighty Light! The Mighty Light! The Mighty Light! God I just adore the Mighty Light.

    #261055
    Rubber
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHT II: MIDWIFE

    Rimmer turns into the Mighty Light just as Kochanski goes into labour, so he reaches inside her fleshy babcradle, lasers through the umbilical cord, turns the child soft light and pulls it out through the surface of her belly. Unfortunately his powers fail halfway through the delivery and everything solidifies again, leaving Kochanski with a pair of babylegs protruding from her swollen abdomen for the rest of her life. The Mighty Light! The Mighty Light!

    #261056
    Rubber
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHT III: PET RESCUE

    Rimmer turns into the Mighty Light to rescue a mewling kitten from inside a ventilation shaft, intending to softlight the wall of the duct, reach through and tug the pawsy micropuss to safety. Unfortunately he activates his powers slightly too enthusiastically and inadvertently causes everything connected to the duct to turn soft light as well, which is basically the internal infrastructure and the outer hull of the entire ship, quickly asphyxiating the organic component of the crew. The Mighty Light! The Mighty Light!

    #261057
    tombow
    Participant

    DANNY JOHN FOOLS

    After deciding his joints are feeling a bit stiff for that evening’s “Strictly” taping, DJJ asks GNP’s effects department to build some kind of animatronic mechanoid lookalike to take his place.

    #261058
    Dave
    Participant

    DANNY’S JOHN STOOLS

    On the set of Red Dwarf, the actor who plays Cat stinks out the place by leaving a massive unflushed log in the gents.

    #261059
    Dave
    Participant

    DANNY’S WRONG TOOLS

    When one of the workers on set needs some screws to be screwed in, the actor who plays Cat turns up with a hammer and chisel, the big twat.

    #261060
    Dave
    Participant

    DANNY’S SCHLONG JEWELS

    The actor who plays Cat proudly displays a new diamond-encrusted piercing to his underwhelmed castmates.

    #261061
    tombow
    Participant

    DANNY GONE POOLS

    A Red Dwarf actor cannot be found as he is doing some sports gambling.

    #261062

    DANNY JOHN’S CRUEL

    The actor that plays the Cat gets accused of on set bullying and is cancelled.

    #261063
    tombow
    Participant

    CRAIG’S JARLS

    During the events of Back to Earth the real Craig Charles finds a way onto Red Dwarf and uses the ship and time drive to fulfil his ambition to rule Viking era Scandinavia.

    #261065
    Dave
    Participant

    ROBERT LOO ELLEN

    Bobby gets invited onto a popular US talkshow but moments before recording he accidentally gets locked in the bogs.

    #261066

    ROBERT POO ELLEN

    Bobby is surprised to find one of his turds looks exactly like a US talk show host.

    #261067
    Dave
    Participant

    ROB HURT YOU, ELLEN

    Bobby flies into a rage and threatens an American talkshow host incoherently while referring to himself in the third person.

    #261068
    Dave
    Participant

    NORMAN LOVE ET

    The actor who plays Holly reveals his favourite Steven Spielberg movie.

    #261070

    NORMAN LO VEET

    The actor that plays Holly reveals his ranking for a popular brand of hair removal cream.

    #261071
    Dave
    Participant

    NORMAN’S LOW VET

    When grump-faced misanthropic audience-applause-generator Norman Lovett takes his pet dog for medical treatment and accidentally activates the triplicator during the examination, the healthcare professional treating the animal splits into two copies – one benign and “high”, the other, well, you know.

    #261073
    cwickham
    Participant

    I, MERE FOR AN EPISODE

    Lister decides he is merely so.

    #261074
    cwickham
    Participant

    LAKE WINDERMERE FOR AN EPISODE

    Everyone drowns.

    #261078
    tombow
    Participant

    STRICTLY BUTTER SIDE UP

    The Dwarf cast take part in a new Saturday evening game show where celebrity chefs such as Jamie Oliver judge their toast making skills. It is eventually revealed that the show was commissioned by a homophobic bbc director who felt the previous dancing show was too camp for family evening viewing.

    #261082
    Rubber
    Participant

    I DEER FOR AN EPISODE

    Cat digs out his unreality bubble reindeer head from VI and wears it for the full half hour.

    #261083
    Rubber
    Participant

    IDEA: FOREIGN EPISODE

    Doug writes an Tokyo-based episode performed entirely in Japanese and CHRIST Kryten’s lines are a bugger to learn for this one.

    #261086
    Rubber
    Participant

    ID ARTHUR: AN EPISODE

    Keen to bring the median viewer age for Dave-era Dwarf below 57, Doug writes a crossover script in which Kryten asks cheerful Canadian kids’ TV cartoon aardvark Arthur for some identification when he tries to purchase hard liquor at Parrots.

    #261093
    Rubber
    Participant

    ID-R4N EPISODE

    Butler’s uncouth Australian cousin, Brucebot ID-R4N, unexpectedly comes to stay the night before Butz is due to be interviewed by Melvyn Bragg at the opening of his new play. Can our favourite metal polymath keep the embarrassingly off-brand beer-swilling, arse-slapping, dingo-munching swearbox away from the luvvies, the critics and the cameras, and maintain his reputation for refinement?

    #261094
    Rubber
    Participant

    I DEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    Rimmer finally succumbs to the constant pressure of his peers and becomes an extremely expensive holo-prostitute for half an hour.

    #261097
    Rubber
    Participant

    IDEA: FOUR ARN EPISODE

    Inspiration strikes Doug once again: an entire episode about the Rimmer barbershop quartet!

    #261106
    Rubber
    Participant

    HIDE EAR FOR AN EPISODE

    It’s April Fool’s Day! Two cheeky Skutters remove Kryten’s left ear while he’s distracted and conceal it behind the Piney Shine in the cleaning supplies cupboard, leading to 30 minutes of Kryten desperately roaming the ship trying to find it. Meanwhile, Lister has a wank. In a rare post-credits scene, Kryten eventually locates the ear and furiously smashes the sniggering Skutters to pieces with a sledgehammer.

    #261107
    tombow
    Participant

    I FEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    Doug tweets that hes working on a script for Timewave 2 that should “trigger the PC snowflakes pretty hard”

    #261117
    cwickham
    Participant

    BANANARCHY

    The nanobots come back, and turn Lister into Bananaman.

    #261118
    cwickham
    Participant

    CASSANANA

    New version of Cassandra which replaces the titular computer with Bananaman.

    #261119
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    1 TEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    Doug gets a bit sad when he watches Timewave back and realises it’s a pile of irredeemable shite.

    #261120
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    TOO DEAR FOR AN EPISODE

    Plans to recast Holly with Jennifer Lawrence hit a snag when the budget for the next episode won’t stretch to her asking price.

    #261121
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    TWO DEER FOR AN EPISODE

    Doug runs out of ideas for new stories and decides to adapt Red Christmas for TV.

    #261122
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    1 DEAL FOR AN EPISODE

    Jennifer Lawrence agrees to be Holly on the condition that she is given Norman’s football as well.

    #261129
    Rubber
    Participant

    EYE DEE or FOR A NAPE, I SEWED

    Absolutely exhausting boundary-pushing Coupling-style split-screen episode in which two A-plots run side-by-side with overlapping dialogue and no pacing concessions made to those poor non-mechanoid viewers who can’t process two separate stories happening simultaneously. While Rimmer and Lister spend an uncomfortable half hour covertly watching Kochanski’s bubbly, much less discerning cousin Dee via the CCTV spycam they placed in her private shower, Cat becomes absolutely obsessed with the fit of all his suits where the collar sits on the back of his neck, and demands that Kryten restitch every single one or face death by disintegration. A humorous silent background plot involving Holly developing computer acne ties the two storylines together. Guest starring Sally Lindsay as Dee.

    #261130
    Rubber
    Participant

    I’D EEYORE FOR AN EPISODE

    Unusual episode with a fairly downbeat, existentialist plot which would probably make me quite depressed for the duration but would nudge the show out of ‘heritage sitcom’ status and back into some sort of temporary relevance again, I suppose.

    #261131
    tombow
    Participant

    A MERE TAD AN EPISODE

    Doug lays down some rules about how much the cast and crew can drink while taping.

    #261135
    si
    Participant

    DOUBLES OR NOTHINGS

    Rimmer, Lister and The Cat are confronted by doubles of themselves: Gary Prince, Captain Butler and That Bloke Out Of The Crouches.

    They quickly decide that their doubles are complete losers, and abandon them in the vacuum of space.

    #261137
    Dave
    Participant

    DOUBLES OR QUITS

    Robert Llewellyn leaves the show after “that bloke from that episode of Bottom” fails to appear in the previous episode.

    #261138
    tombow
    Participant

    THE LAST GAY

    Ian McKellen as Bent Bob in the episode that won a Stonewall award

    #261201
    Dave
    Participant

    A PRANCE AMONG MEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in this lacklustre generic sitcom about a male ballet star.

    #261202
    Dave
    Participant

    APHIDS AMONG MEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in this lacklustre generic sitcom about an entomologist.

    #261203
    Dave
    Participant

    A4 PRINTS AMONG MEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in this lacklustre generic sitcom about a photocopier salesman.

    #261204
    Dave
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG WOMEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in a biopic of Prince Andrew.

    #261206
    cwickham
    Participant

    A RINSE AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie washes his hair at his local hairdresser’s, which has a lot of male customers in it at the moment.

    #261207
    cwickham
    Participant

    A LYNCH AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie joins a lynch mob.

    #261208
    cwickham
    Participant

    A CINCH AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie accomplishes a really, really easy task.

    #261209
    cwickham
    Participant

    A WINCH AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie operates a hand-crank.

    #261211
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    A PRINCE AMONG WOMEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in a biopic of Prince Andrew.

    “Women” implies they were adults.

    #261213
    Dave
    Participant

    SHE’S NOT JAILBAIT

    Alternative title for A PRINCE AMONG WOMEN suggested by nervous BBC lawyers.

    #261214
    Dave
    Participant

    PINTS AMONG MEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in a UK remake of Cheers.

    #261215
    Dave
    Participant

    PRINTS AMONG MEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in a CSI spinoff set in Dagenham.

    #261216
    Dave
    Participant

    SPRÜNTS AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie describes that scene from the KMKYWAP episode where he meets Hotpants.

    #261217
    cwickham
    Participant

    A BLINTZ AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie gives an eccentric old man a couple of blintzes to paint his fence.

    #261221
    Dave
    Participant

    A PINCER AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie sets a live crab loose on the set of Red Dwarf.

    #261222
    Dave
    Participant

    A PIECE ‘A MUNG BEAN

    Chris Barrie turns vegan and starts banging on about his diet.

    #261223
    Dave
    Participant

    A PUNCH AMONG MENHIRS

    Chris Barrie auditions for the role of Roman legionary #2 in the new live-action Asterix movie.

    #261224
    Dave
    Participant

    A PIZZA RUNG BEN

    Chris Barrie orders a takeaway from Dominoes and accidentally places it down on top of his phone, inadvertently dialling the last person who called him – none other than former alternative comedian Ben Elton. He must therefore endure a tortuous hourlong conversation that he is constantly trying to get out of while his Meat Feast gradually congeals as it cools, uneaten, on the table.

    #261225
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PUNCH AMONG BUFFOONS

    Dave commissions a docudrama on Jeremy Clarkson’s dismissal from Top Gear.

    #261226
    si
    Participant

    ‘APRON/SARONG: MEN’

    Chris Barrie poses for a clothing catalogue.

    #261227
    Dave
    Participant

    A PRUNE SARPONG MEME

    When June Sarpong clumsily eats a dried plum live on T4 while interviewing Chris Barrie, the resultant moment is immortalised in internet history forever.

    #261232
    Dave
    Participant

    A PINCH O’ BUM AMEN

    At the height of his fame, Chris Barrie quits Red Dwarf and the Brittas Empire to star in this misguided Carry On-style take on the sex abuse scandal within the Irish Catholic church.

    #261233
    Dave
    Participant

    APE RINSE ARM, HUNG MEN

    A big monkey cleans one of his upper limbs before executing several humans by hanging, then verbalises this in broken English, all for the purposes of an extremely contrived and barely-even-amusing pun.

    #261240
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG BENS

    Chris Barrie is named the best person out of himself, Ben Whishaw, Ben Affleck, and Ben Miller.

    #261241
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG UNCLE BEN’S

    Chris Barrie is declared better than all brands of rice.

    #261247
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG WEHN

    Chris Barrie is declared better than a German comedian.

    #261248
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG NEWS AT TEN

    Chris Barrie stands in the background of a live news report, pulling silly faces.

    #261249
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG CERN

    Chris Barrie is trapped in the Large Hadron Collider.

    #261250
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG VENN

    A circular diagram is drawn to show what Chris Barrie is and isn’t better than.

    #261251
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG YEN

    Chris Barrie is declared better than the currency of Japan.

    #261252
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG ZEN

    Chris Barrie is very calm when reminded of that 90s sitcom he used to star in.

    #261253
    Dave
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG BEGGS

    Desperate for fresh Red Dwarf scripts, Doug Naylor retools a few storylines from a largely forgotten 90s sitcom in the hope of providing some Rimmer-centric episodes for the next series. He then chokes to death unexpectedly.

    #261254
    Dave
    Participant

    A MAN AMONG PRINCES

    Thinly-veiled Red Dwarf ripoff about low-level workers at a salmon-canning factory. Episode 1 sees all but one of the staff wiped out due to a freak canning accident. The remaining survivor is kept sane by talking to a cardboard cutout of his immediate superior.

    #261255
    Dave
    Participant

    A MAN AMONG PRINCES, EPISODE TWO: FUTURE ECCOS

    The last remaining salmon-canner starts to worry about the potential for dolphins to be caught in the company’s fishing nets. To calm himself down, he plays a few hours of lauded Megadrive classic sequel The Tides Of Time.

    #261256
    Dave
    Participant

    A MAN AMONG PRINCES, EPISODE THREE: BALANCE OF TUNA

    To keep himself amused, the last remaining employee stacks up tins in an attempt to create the largest tower possible.

    #261257
    cwickham
    Participant

    A NIGERIAN PRINCE AMONG MEN

    Chris Barrie starts scamming people out of their money on the Internet.

    #261258
    Ian Symes
    Keymaster

    A MAN AMONG PRINCES, EPISODE FOUR: WAITING FOR COD

    The last remaining employee abandons the pilchard station as he quite literally has bigger fish to fry.

    #261259
    Dave
    Participant

    A MAN AMONG PRINCES, EPISODE FIVE: COD FRY DUNCE AND PARANOIA

    When the last remaining employee finishes cooking his fish, he wolfs it down eagerly before realising that he’s undercooked it, the twat. He spends a disturbed night hoping that he doesn’t get food poisoning.

    #261260
    cwickham
    Participant

    A PRINCE AMONG MEN

    Accurate description of the BBC scheduler responsible for moving “A Prince Among Men” to a 4pm timeslot.

    #261261
    Dave
    Participant

    A MAN AMONG PRINCES, EPISODE SIX: MEAT SQUARED

    The last remaining employee quits the salmon-canning plant and goes to work at a corned-beef-canning plant instead.

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