Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

GUNMEN OF THE STEELBOOKALYPSE

When simulants attack Starbug and upgrade their Blu-Ray covers to steelbooks, Lister throws them all at the simulant ship, destroying it.

However, in their last gasp the simulants transmit a virus to Starbug, which Kryten absorbs and adapts into an imaginary Zavvi website of which he is the drunken master.

Can Lister, Rimmer and Cat save the day by ordering a load of Blu-Rays at three times the usual price just because they’ve got a shit bit of old tin wrapped around them?

[Dave]

PSTEELBOOKS

The Starbug crew stumble across some mysterious shape-shifting Blu-Rays that are able to make themselves look more attractive and valuable by disguising themselves in a tatty covering of cheap metal. As a result, they must be on their guard lest one of them try to pay $£30 for a film they already own, just because it has nice cover art.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STEELBOOK HOLE

The crew stumble across a spacial anomaly spewing once thrown away steelbooks back into the universe. Rimmer quips that they’re neither steel, nor books, but no-one is listening. After a tumultuous time trying to find room on the DVD shelf for all the extra additions that keep flooding in, Lister decides to dump his VHS collection to make room, which ends up plugging the steelbook hole and preventing any more of them to clog up space and his sleeping quarters.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STEELBOOK ECHOS

Lister is browsing the ships intranet, looking at the up-coming steelbook releases, and he realise, the more time passes, the closer the release date gets.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STEELBOOKOCRACY

All the steelbooks are getting fed up with being looked down on for being overpriced excuses to claw more money off of poor consumers so move to elect a representative to bring equal status and stop all the bullying.

The DVDs lose the election to the VHSs because they have a better nostalgic union.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STEELBOOK-CORP

Lister inadvertantly installs a virus aboard Red Dwarf that hides all forms of media that don’t come packages in a steelbook case.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

STEELBOOK TO RIDE: XTENDED

Lister remembers that he lent all his steelbooks to Cat who hasn’t return them, so he goes and grabs them while he is napping, making their trip to Earth useless … except for the fact he was back on bloody Earth, the idiot!

[cwickham]

RIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is torn in half.

[cwickham]

CLIP DAVE LISTER

Lister has his hair trimmed.

[cwickham]

DIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is dunked in a sheep dip.

[cwickham]

HIP DAVE LISTER

Lister aims to become much cooler.

[cwickham]

GYP DAVE LISTER

Lister is swindled.

[cwickham]

LIP DAVE LISTER

Lister drinks milk like he’s a cat.

[cwickham]

NIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is pinched.

[cwickham]

PIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is narrowly beaten to something.

[cwickham]

WHIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is horse-whipped.

[cwickham]

ZIP DAVE LISTER

Lister leaves his flies undone.

[cwickham]

TIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is given some money.

[cwickham]

SIP DAVE LISTER

A Psiren tastes some of Lister’s brain juice.

[cwickham]

FLIP DAVE LISTER

Lister is attacked by Chaos 2.

[Dave]

RIMMER’S UNIFORM COLOUR

Lister plays a practical joke on Rimmer by spray-painting his blue ‘hardlight’ costume red while he’s asleep. On waking up, Rimmer assumes he’s switched to softlight and immediately bumps his head when he tries to walk through a wall.

Meanwhile, Cat takes up gardening and Kryten misplaces his legs. But was it an accident?

[Dave]

BLUE RAY IS LOADED

When Lister finds a diary written by Ray, a hitherto unmentioned mate of his from before the accident that wiped out Red Dwarf’s crew, Lister realises his friend was secretly suffering from depression. He therefore decides to cheer him up by travelling back in time and arranging for him to win the ship’s lottery.

[Dave]

RANKING KRYTEN’S COSMETIC APPEARANCES

Kryten is dismayed when he wanders into the sleeping quarters and discovers all of his crewmates casually discussing their favourite look for the mechanoid, and how disappointed they are that he’s got a bit fat these days.

[cwickham]

MICHAEL CAINESSANDRA

Remastered version of “Cassandra” where the titular computer predicts that Rimmer will get locked in attick. Kryten figures out that this is completely false.

[cwickham]

CAINE OF WORMS

Remastered version of “Can of Worms” where the crew defeat the Polymorphs by locking them in attick.

[cwickham]

CAINEWAVE

All known copies of “Timewave” are rounded up and locked in attick.

[cwickham]

THANKS FOR THE MICHAEL CAINERY

Remake of “Thanks for the Memory” where Rimmer realises his memories are completely false.

[Dave]

BUM-MEN OF THE A-PLOP-ALYPSE

Red Dwarf Series Six, Episode Three, as rewritten by five-year-olds.

[Warbodog]

BUM-MEN OF WEE A-PLOP-URLGH!-LYPSE

Red Dwarf Series Six, Episode Three, as rewritten by five-year-olds, script-edited by five-year-old me.

[Warbodog]

RUDE DWARF

Rude fan edit of Red Dwarf that replaces every utterance of “cat” with “twat.” Someone watching for the first time wonders what happened to Lister’s pregnant girlfriend from before the accident and why Holly’s so rude about her in his intros.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

A CREATURE THAT EVOLVED FROM THE SHIPS TWAT

The crew discover a rather disturbing monster in the cargo decks early on in the series, when it transpires the ships twat has evolved over 3 million years.

[Dave]

LET’S GET OUT THERE AND ‘CAT’ IT

Calls for a playground-friendly version of a classic Red Dwarf piece of merchandise result in this bowlderised T-shirt

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE TWAT IN THE HAT

In a parallel, as part of an official Red Dwarf tie in, Dr Seuss takes inspiration from the famous horror monster aboard Red Dwarf and writes a series of children’s books based around it.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TWATICA

The crew follow a highly evolved twat back to mid 20th century America where it plans to destroy the human race by making sex illegal.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

YOU’RE A COMPLETE CAT

Howard, upon meeting Arnold for the first time in 3 million years, reaches for the deadliest insult he can find to put his brother down.

[Dave]

TURN AWAY AND I’LL CHANGE – I’LL CHANGE CAT I REALLY AM

The find+replace algorithm that rewrites Red Dwarf scripts to be more family-friendly goes beyond its remit and ends up butchering this climactic scene from CAMILLE.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

IT’S MR LISTER’S TWAT BRIDE

Kryten thinks very little of Lister’s bride, and isn’t afraid to say so when he is astonished to see her several hundred years after they abandon her on a small barely habitable moon.

[Dave]

TWAT TO REALITY

Redubbed version of the classic Series V finale, in which every time Andy says ‘Twonk’ it is changed to ‘Twat’. This transforms the scene’s tone from gentle ribbing to outright bullying hostility.

[Flap Jack]

IDENTITY KRYSIS

The ship receives a distress call from a mechanoid calling himself “Kryten” (David Ross). After rescuing him and bringing him aboard, the new Kryten claims that the last time he saw them was when he first told Rimmer to fuck off, 30/hundreds of years ago, and accuses Kryten of being an imposter:

“Whoever this mechanoid is, he’s a deluded loser with a stupid, unconvincing Canadian accent and a complete lack of grace or knowledge about appropriate groinal attachment usage. I mean, come on! He doesn’t look or sound anything like me! He isn’t even wearing a suit!”

Can the 2 Krytens learn to co-exist on Red Dwarf? And is Kryten really an imposter who’s only on Red Dwarf as part of some long-winded evil scheme?

[cwickham]

THE TWAT IN THE HAT REMASTERED

James Corden arrives on board Red Dwarf, wearing a hat.

[Dave]

IDENTITY WITHOUT

When Cat and Lister try to get into a GELF bar to drink their hooch, they are turned away as they lack the relevant ID documents to prove that they are of drinking age. Undeterred, they embark on a variety of wacky schemes to get past the GELF bouncer (Ainsley Harriott) and get their pint of grog.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

I’VE NEVER RED A FUNNY BOOK

Facing the possibility of his own death, Lister laments the fact he has never dipped a funny book in a can of red paint

[cwickham]

RIP ARNOLD RIMMER

New title for The End which will not appear on the Blu-ray release.

[cwickham]

RIP CONFIDENCE

New title for Confidence & Paranoia which will not appear on the Blu-ray release.

[cwickham]

RIP FRANK HOLLISTER

New title for Me2 which will not appear on the Blu-ray release after everyone gets distracted when they realise that not only does Hollister’s surname sound like a combination of ‘Holly’ and ‘Lister’, he has the same first name as Rimmer’s Uncle Frank.

[cwickham]

RIP ARNOLD RIMMER AGAIN

Sequel to “Stasis Leak”, set three weeks later.

[cwickham]

RIP HUDZEN

New title for “The Last Day” which will appear on the HD-DVD release.

[cwickham]

RIP JOHN F KENNEDY

New title for “Tikka to Ride” which will appear on the 25th anniversary VHS reissue.

[cwickham]

RIP ACE RIMMER

New title for “Stoke Me a Clipper” which will appear on the Betamax release.

[cwickham]

RIP GOOD TASTE AND COMPETENT WRITING

New title for “Back in the Red (Part Two)” which will appear on the Laserdisc release.

[Author]

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