Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

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  • #260871
    Dave
    Participant

    CONFIDENCE AND PARKERKNOLLBRA

    When Lister gets a bout of mutated flu, he hallucinates Craig Ferguson having sex with a lingerie-draped armchair.

    #260872
    Dave
    Participant

    KNOLLYMORPH

    Red Dwarf is attacked by a parasitic creature who can disguise itself as an object of desire to get close to its victim. In Lister’s case, the choice of disguise is obvious.

    #260873
    Dave
    Participant

    WHITE KNOLL

    Well they’re all white Knolls when Lister’s finished with them.

    #260876
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S STRIMMERS

    Rimmer’s got a new harem – of lawn-manicuring gardendroid shebots! Unfortunately they’re very unreliable just like the guy himself and they do a runner with all his shoe trees. Meanwhile, Kryten swaps Kochanski’s eye drops with sulphuric acid again. Sizzle! Guest starring Jodie Comer and Michaela Coel as Strimpet and Shears.

    #260877
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S HATS

    Wardrobe enthusiast Cat takes up millinery and starts selling his headly wares on the space internetsy. Nobody buys them because they’re all dead. Meanwhile, Holly decides nobody deserves any oxygen this week.

    #260880
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S SISTERS

    Human cul-de-sac Dave Lister discovers Kryten spent six months milking his danglers every night on his mum’s orders so she could produce more children to silence the ticking wombclock in her Scottish loins. Initially violated, Lister comes around to the idea when he discovers she carried girl triplets to full term and left them to be raised by a vending machine on Y-deck two decades ago. The trio are dead ringers for their sharp-tongued mum at 20 and Lister’s not sure he can resist their Kochanskiesque charms, especially given the apparently sexy vending machine qualities they’ve also developed from their adopted parent. Will Lister manage to get his leg over before his slow brain processes the horrifying fact that they’re his sisters (and daughters too, chillingly)? Meanwhile, Rimmer visits a planet where he is the only man made out of light, which he should be used to by now tbh. Guest starring Kelsey Grammer as Vendette.

    #260881
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S FOLLY

    Holly allows the crew to die and builds a quirky little monument out of them.

    #260882
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S MISTERS

    Human ultimatum Dave Lister devises a series of children’s books based around a collection of brightly coloured monomaniacal geometric shapes with arms and legs, each one focused on a different aspect of his truncated personality. Chaos ensues when a brainwave brings them all to life! Meanwhile, Cat and Rimmer fight over the last labial implant left on the ship.

    #260884
    Rubber
    Participant

    KRYTEN’S FRIGHTENS

    Bipedal scrubber Kryten gets really into telling spooky midnight ghost stories but worries that there isn’t an effectively spooky atmosphere on board ship to really do his tales justice, so he removes his head and chases a terrified Kochanski around the unlit storage bay with his groinal chainsaw attachment for twenty-nine nerve-shredding, sanity-obliterating hours. Meanwhile, Rimmer and Holly both need a holiday — but they’re skint! So as a compromise they agree to swap their pixelated anuses for a week.

    #260885
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S HYMMERS

    The Dwarfers stumble across an underdog tribe of straggly devout cat clerics, and Spectral nincompoop Rimmer discovers an as-yet-unexploited talent for coaching this enthusiastic but unpolished mob in the art of choral singing. Will the pussy posse still accept his tuition when they realise all his audio output is basically coming from a tiny speaker in his light bee? Meanwhile, Butler’s back from Broadmoor and he’s got a new friend. Guest starring David Suchet as Nicola Crayola.

    #260887
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S FLATS

    Upholstered simpleton Cat is devastated when space moths run riot on the Dwarf, gobbling every last stitch of clothing from his extensive collection. What’s a mog to do with twenty-seven decks of empty clothes rails and no cash to refill them? Why, let the wardrobes out as studio flats, of course! How will the fancy feline take to his new role as a slum landlord? Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer find common ground over both being desperately unhappy.

    #260889

    THE LAST KNOLL

    When Lister gets notification that his favourite hump chair is getting replaced, he fights for the right to retain his love stained throne.

    #260890

    A KNOLL HAS ESCAPED FROM THE AR MACHINE

    One of Lister’s AR fantasies escapes the AR machine and kills Rimmer in a bitter fight for Lister’s affection.

    #260896
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S SLIMMERS

    After completing an A/R Space Corps Acting Senior Officer weekend refresher course, blue-blazered bastard Rimmer returns with a renewed sense of drill sergeant purpose and becomes obsessed with the idea that everyone else on board ship weighs too much, sealing the crew in quarantine and forcing them to undergo extreme diet and exercise programmes until they weigh the same as his ‘ideal weight’ – his light bee! Six months later, Cat and Lister are down to under five stone but are suffering extreme organ failure while mineral man Kryten has been forced to amputate and incinerate every part of his body save a single eyeball. Meanwhile, Holly starts breeding feral Skutters for cockfights. Guest starring Jimmy Carr as A/R Interface With A Smug Voice.

    #260897
    Rubber
    Participant

    KRYTEN’S BLYTONS

    Disinfection droid Kryten discovers a passion for the works of Enid Blyton and decides to start running Red Dwarf like a 1940s boarding school for wealthy white girls. Rimmer enjoys the brisk discipline and Cat enjoys the pleated skirts, but will dyed-in-the-wool underclassling Dave Lister ever flourish in this privileged environment? Meanwhile, Todhunter’s regression therapy hints at some unfinished business with his father’s valet, but why can’t he unlock the memory? Guest starring Daniel Mays as Lambert.

    #260898
    Dave
    Participant

    STOKE ME BRA CLIPPER

    Shortly before setting off as the new Ace Rimmer, Rimmer asks Lister to teach him how to unclip a woman’s bra. Lister eagerly obliges with the help of a nearby Parker Knoll.

    #260899
    Dave
    Participant

    OUROBRAOUS

    Because with Lister and his son going round and round in time, Parker Knolls will never truly become obsolete.

    #260900
    Dave
    Participant

    KNOLLYSWAP

    Lister has his consciousness transferred into a Parker Knoll so that he can feel what it is like to have a bra removed.

    #260901
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S LATS

    It’s Elevatoramadan, so all the lifts on board Red Dwarf go on a vertical travel fast for a month between synthetic sunrise and synthetic sunset. Without the lifts, the crew are forced to rely on flexible feline Cat shimmying up the inside of the elevator shaft to fetch them things from the upper levels. A month later, Cat’s lateral muscles are in great shape and everyone suddenly remembers they have staircases. Meanwhile, Lister’s allergic to Kryten’s new nipple – how will they maintain the milk supply?

    #260903

    KNOLL LEAK

    Holly discovers a sticky, squelchy, oozy, Parker Knoll on floor 16, and Lister discovers a photo of himself seemingly marrying a Parker Knoll. Coincidence?

    #260904

    K-CORP

    The crew update the JMC computer, inadvertently installing an OS from the Parker Knoll Corporation, who make everything by Parker Knolls invisible. Lister doesn’t see an issue with this.

    #260905
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S BLISTERS

    Walking skidmark Dave Lister’s bra-unhooking practice has taken its toll on his friction-addled fingers – where can he find a firm, high-backed armchair in which to recuperate? Meanwhile, Rimmer’s genealogy exploits lead him to the alarming realisation that ‘Dungo’ Dennis, his parents’ gardener and Rimmer’s biological father, later moved to Callisto to train in patisserie and went on to operate a small doughnut franchise on a mining ship in orbit around Jupiter, before all trace of him mysteriously disappeared…

    #260906
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S MOLLIES

    Human futurepolitics inevitably cycles through another depressing right-wing period and, in response, the JMC onboard computer outlaws all homosexual activity and non-binary pursuits. As the only genuinely intelligent entity on-board ship, demented screensaver Holly responds by setting up a covert meeting place for Red Dwarf’s closeted gay residents, but who’ll be first through the door? Meanwhile, Cat falls foul of the new restrictions when a Skutter mistakes him for a drag artiste and tasers him.

    #260907
    Dave
    Participant

    GUNMEN OF THE APARKERLYPSE

    When Lister’s favourite bra-laden armchair is infected by a simulant virus, he is forced to delve into a Wild West videogame to rescue it.

    #260908
    Dave
    Participant

    SKIPPARKER

    Lister travels across infinite parallel universes to try and find a Parker Knoll that fits his manky old bra.

    #260909
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S DIMMERS

    Pernickety projection Rimmer’s bullying best friend Dave Lister forcibly retrofits his light bee with a dimmer switch and turns him down just a bit… just a bit more… little bit more… little bit more… just a bit more… more than that… little bit more than that… just a bit more… until Rimmer’s essentially invisible and inaudible, trapped in a Kafkaesque nightmare, and Lister can completely ignore him. Meanwhile, Kryten decides to start keeping one item of jewellery from every prostitute he bludgeons to death. Guest starring Alison Brie as Tawny-Rose.

    #260910
    Dave
    Participant

    NODKNOLL

    When Lister arrives on Backwards Earth, he gestures with his head approvingly towards a nearby sexy armchair.

    #260911
    Flap Jack
    Participant

    ONLY THE GOOD DOUGHNUTS…

    Red Dwarf picks up an escape pod from the SS Hermes, which was destroyed by highly destructive microbes. The pod’s sole occupant, Talia Garrett, seems to know Captain Hollister.

    “… Dennis? The doughnut boy?!”

    Hollister, looking suddenly very pale, declares Garrett delusional and orders her to be thrown in The Tank.

    Flashback to 3 million years ago. Dennis Krytimmer is a simple doughnut deliveryperson on the Hermes – the flagship of the Neptune Mining Conglomerate. An orphan who worked tirelessly his whole life just to get any paying gig on an intergalactic vessel, Dennis dreams of becoming the Captain of his own ship.

    One day, Dennis is called upon to deliver doughnuts to the Captain’s table. Finally, the opportunity to plead his case to the upper brass, and maybe get the opportunity to become an officer! He does the delivery, and Captain Garrett personally calls over Dennis to compliment him on the spread of the icing and the consistency of the jam. Seizing his chance, Dennis enthuses about his ambitions to her.

    “I’ve wanted to be an officer as long as I can remember, m’am! I’d do anything to achieve that dream!”

    The Captain exchanges a few glances with her officers.

    “Anything, you say?”

    It’s not long before Dennis is being trained in corporate espionage, and given a new cover identity: Frank Hollister. He is to be sent in as a low level officer recruit for competing outfit, the Jupiter Mining Corporation, aboard the ship that was the most desperate for personnel – the Red Dwarf.

    As time passes Dennis settles into his new life as Hollister on Red Dwarf, regularly using his new spy skills to acquire any confidential company info that the NMC might use for competitive advantage and sending it back to the Hermes, as well as using a lot of the juicier info to schmooze his way up the ranks.

    Eventually Hollister is Captain of the whole ship, and Dennis has been achieving his mission of undermining the JMC for many years, but then he receives a new directive from Garrett: to unleash a bio-weapon on Red Dwarf when it’s about to land back on Earth, thus destroying the ship, causing a devastating crash on the Earth’s surface, and ultimately destroying the JMC, so that the NMC can become a true monopoly.

    Having become very attached to his new life and his new crew, Hollister does not deploy the chameleonic microbes that were sent to him, and even does multiple trips to and from Earth without incident.

    All is fine until one day Hollister is called to the Drive Room, by Officer Frank Todhunter.

    Hollister arrives, and Todhunter is standing there, holding the chameleonic microbe solution, and pointing a gun straight at him.

    “So you did get your orders after all… Dennis. What’s the matter? Lost your nerve? Enjoying playing the boss? It’s a good thing they sent me to keep an eye on you. A stupid doughnut boy was never going to have the courage to do what has to be done.”

    Todhunter moves to pour the microbe solution into the engine, but Hollister uses his momentary distraction to pull his own gun and shoot him dead. The microbe solution bottle was still sealed in the end, but the shot Hollister fired had majorly damaged the drive plate after going through Todhunter.

    Not wanting to risk the engineers finding out what happened, Hollister calls down some low-level sycophantic technician to repair the drive plate, while he disposes of the body.

    Back in the present, Talia has been put in the same cell as parallel-Kochanski, whom she immediately spills the beans to. She tells her that Hollister is actually Dennis the Doughnut Boy, that he designed the chameleonic microbes in order to destroy the Hermes, and that he murdered her good friend, Jerry Dotruthen, in cold blood. Word of this spreads quickly throughout the prison, and soon the rage from the prisoners against Hollister is so strong that they successfully organise a break-out, and manage to get the wardens and officers on board for a mutiny.

    Overpowered, Hollister is tied up in his office alone, while every other crewmember abandons ship and the microbes tear apart Red Dwarf. Frank shares one last conversation with Holly before systems start shutting down and all around him is in flames.

    Death approaches him, but Hollister kicks Death right in the groin.

    “Only the good donuts fry!” he says, before burning to death off-screen.

    THE END?

    YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.

    #260913
    Rubber
    Participant

    KOCHANSKI’S SCOTCH PANKIES

    Snooty tit-haver Kris develops a hankering for the pancakes she enjoyed back in Glasgow as a young girl, but can she identify her mother’s vital secret ingredient and rediscover the taste of her childhood? (It turns out to be maternal love, btw.) Meanwhile, Cat bleaches his anus and Lister breaches his anus.

    #260917
    Dave
    Participant

    RED DWARF RE-PARKERED

    Red Dwarf Series I-III are re-released with the addition of an unconvincing CGI bra-draped armchair in the corner of the sleeping quarters.

    #260920
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S CAULIS

    Neckless brainchamber Holly embraces semi-retirement and gets an allotment, but soon finds the cutthroat world of competitive vegetable growing is far more stressful than running Red Dwarf ever was! Meanwhile, Kryten and Rimmer argue over whether tampons, pads or mooncups are better, despite neither having a stake in the outcome nor being remotely qualified to answer the question. Guest starring Kevin Whately as Voice Of Wheelbarrow.

    #260921
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S STATS

    Pedantry looms large when fashion-forward fish aficionado Cat starts wearing glasses and immediately develops an intense interest in statistics, much to the chagrin of constantly-corrected Rimmer! Meanwhile, Kochanski attempts to pass the Bechdel test after 23 consecutive fails. Could it finally be her year?

    #260924

    PARKER SNATCHER

    Lost episode in which Rimmer tries to construct a body for himself using elements of Lister’s furniture. Once complete, a boozy Lister arrives back in his quarters and lustfully starts sexually interfering with what he thinks is his chair, but is in fact, Parker Knoll Rimmer in a bra.

    #260925

    BALANCE OF PARKER

    Lister tries to pass the exam to become a chair so he can out rank Rimmer and continue to have a sexual relationship with his favourite Parker Knoll without judgement.

    #260926

    CAN’T KNOLL WON’T KNOLL

    Celebrity chef Ainsley Harriet invites the crew of Red Dwarf to dress old fashioned furniture in women’s underwear and then attempt to undress it.

    #260927
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S FISTERS

    After yet another night on the sauce, filth reservoir Dave Lister falls foul of Lady Law when he’s caught drunk in charge of Starbug and sentenced to 500 hours of community service. To his obvious discomfort, dirty Dave finds himself tasked with coaching an enthusiastic but unskilled team of amateur fisters facing another potential trouncing in the BDSM arena at the Zero-Gee Olympics. Will Lister overcome his innate prejudices and steer the punchfucking boys to glory, opening his own metaphorical rosebud and learning something important from them along the way? Meanwhile, Rimmer discovers that his sparkly holo-farts make excellent indoor fireworks. Ooooh! Aaaah! Guest starring Andrew Scott as Dominic Harness, with Hugh Skinner and Russell Tovey as Nathan and Bumper.

    #260928
    Dave
    Participant

    D’YA THINK PARKER KNOLLS ARE SEXY?

    Abandoned alternate opening to Backwards in which Lister and Cat discuss the relative attractiveness of armchairs draped in bras. Cat admits that, while he would go with a La-Z-Boy, he’d be thinking of a Parker Knoll.

    #260929
    Dave
    Participant

    PARK IN THE RED

    When the nanobots recreate Red Dwarf, they restore it to its original specifications with 30% more armchairs in the living quarters. Lister is consequently driven wild with lust.

    #260930
    Dave
    Participant

    GET THE LINE RIGHT, ROB, THERE’S A PARKER KNOLL IN IT FOR YA

    Infamous smeg-up in which Craig Charles attempts to improve Robert Llewellyn’s line readings by promising him 10 minutes with a beat-up old armchair with a bra hanging off it.

    #260931
    Rubber
    Participant

    KRYTEN’S BRIGHT HENS

    Following another humiliating poetry recital chez Butler, exposition dilettante Kryten decides to raise the conversational standards on board Red Dwarf by infecting the rest of the crew with a brain-bulging programmable intelligence virus. Unfortunately they’re all completely immune to the effects, but when Cat accidentally infects the stasis chicken coop, Kryten finds himself up to his eyes in professorial poultry! Meanwhile, Lister dodges the shower for the 7848th day in a row, so Rimmer snaps and hangs him.

    #260932
    Dave
    Participant

    BEYOND A POKE

    Lister expresses a desire to develop his relationship with his bra-adorned armchair beyond meaningless sex. “He ain’t heavy sir, he’s my Parker” intones Kryten, bafflingly.

    #260933
    Dave
    Participant

    I DIDN’T COME HERE LOOKING FOR PARKER KNOLL

    A visibly-embarassed Lister enters his local branch of DFS with a tatty old bra tucked inside his jacket. When a sales assistant appears, he immediately protests too much about his true intentions, improvising a shit little rap at the same time. Little does the shop assistant know, however, that the “Red Dwarf Shuffle” to which the ditty alludes involves Lister, a bra, and an armchair.

    #260934

    BUY ME A PARKER, I’LL BE BACK WITH BRAS

    Whenever Lister’s devilishly handsome superheroesq alter-ego leave for an indeterminate amount of time, he always requests a brand new Parker Knoll be waiting for him, as he shall return we fresh ladies undergarments to adorn it with.

    #260935

    KNOLLTICA

    To Lister’s dismay, a group of Furniturenoids are travelling through time and space, erasing Parker Knoll’s from history. The crew find themselves in a 1950s care home, and none of the old dears have nothing to sit on. They must destroy the Furniturenoids and save the day!

    #260936
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    FRANK’S NOMINAL HEGEMONY

    Dennis the Doughnut boy hits on a winning formula to climb up the Space Corps chain of command; he needs to lie and cheat. And also name himself “Frank”, which is how you really get ahead in the 23rd century.

    #260937
    tombow
    Participant

    LISTER’S BLITZERS

    Lister has to guide Starbug through an asteroid field where German-speaking simulants have put lethal speed cameras

    #260938
    Rubber
    Participant

    RIMMER’S ZIMMERS

    Suddenly irrationally fixated on his advancing years — despite being a total deado — cuntish desklamp Rimmer starts obsessively stockpiling Zimmer frames from every derelict they encounter, despite his faux-jovial insistence that he’ll never need them. Meanwhile, Kryten traps Kochanski in the reflection of every mirror on board ship, then smashes them all.

    #260939
    Dave
    Participant

    ACE’S FACES

    Ace Rimmer pulls a variety of handsome facial expressions for the crew of Red Dwarf to admire.

    #260940
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLY’S DOLLIES

    Retarded sundial Holly’s feeling waggish, so he flushes the crew out into deep space and replaces them with Sylvanian Families. Meanwhile, an unusually calm Todhunter picks up a fresh scalpel and carves ‘I WILL NOT’ into his forearm, then blankly stares at it for 74 minutes before finding something to mop up the blood.

    #260941
    Dave
    Participant

    ACE’S RACES

    Ace Rimmer keeps on insisting that they race in Blue Midget and Starbug, even though everyone knows Starbug is around 1.27 times faster than Blue Midget and will win every time.

    #260942
    Dave
    Participant

    ACE IS RACIST

    When Ace Rimmer starts making gently derogatory comments about non-caucasian minority groups and then insisting “of course you’re not allowed to say stuff like that any more”, the crew of Red Dwarf decide it’s time for him to move on.

    #260943
    Dave
    Participant

    BARKER’S PARKERS

    When Ronnie Barker doesn’t get the part of Captain Hollister in the Red Dwarf pilot, he consoles himself by seducing a pair of Parker Knoll armchairs with bras draped over them.

    #260944
    Dave
    Participant

    LANSTROM’S HAND’S STRONG

    Creepy nightmare-fuel laser-eyed disease-ridden sing-song-voiced hologram-biddy Dr Hildegard Lanstrom crushes a walnut in her fist unaided.

    #260945
    Dave
    Participant

    ASCLEPIUS’ SLEEPY CUSS

    Monstrously-deranged evil-eyed surgery-prone overly-anticipated batshit medi-droid Asclepius wakes up and shouts “fuck!” before he’s fully conscious.

    #260946
    Dave
    Participant

    AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS HOP

    Rimmer opens a brewery, in accordance with his family’s religious beliefs.

    #260947
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLISTER’S JOLLY STAIRS

    Keen to shift some of that Tesco blueberry muffin blubber, lardarse overlord Captain Hollister encourages staircase use by giving the entire stairwell an SS Enconium makeover and installing holograms of Ziggy shrieking motivational slogans on every landing. Love that accent, funboy! Meanwhile, Cat’s alarmed but not entirely surprised to note that, 18 pages into the table reading, he’s still only had two lines of dialogue. Guest starring Joaquin Phoenix as Holozig.

    #260948
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S BATS

    Fangfuck clotheshorse Cat finally gets around to sniffskimming his crippled mother’s memoir and learns that his pointy incisors didn’t grow that way because he’s a moggy — he was actually sired by a vampire! Suddenly all the elaborate tailoring and pompadour hairstyling makes sense. He immediately defrosts all the bats from the cryogenic storedeck and recruits then as his bloodly minions, only to find they’re indifferent to his commands — turns out he was reading the wrong memoir and the ‘Moggy’ with the vampire pops was actually of the Jacob Rhys- variety. Satirical! Meanwhile, Rimmmer’s planning to represent Io in elbow-titting at the 3003000 Olympics, but due to COVID-19 still being a thing he’s having to compete remotely via webcam using a standard issue bioprinted breastmould, and he’s not happy about it! Will Kochanski soften towards him and let him nudge her pillows for his moment of glory?

    #260949
    Dave
    Participant

    WELL, THE THING ABOUT A BLACK KNOLL…

    Lister takes a shine to a jet-black leather armchair draped in a bra, but struggles to find the language to explain the attraction to his crewmates.

    #260950

    I DON’T ALWAYS PLAY THE KNOLL PLAYING GAMES

    Lister protests to Rimmer that he isn’t always in the AR machine playing games that allow him to pretend to be his favourite piece of kinky furniture.

    #260951

    KNOLLHUNTER

    Frank Todhunter hosts a daytime TV show, where 2 teams of contestants try to find the sexiest Parker Knoll in people’s houses, up in their lofts, at car boot sales, second hand shops and on rubbish tips.

    #260952

    FRED “PARKER” KNOLLDEN

    In a weird twist of fait, as well as going to school with the man who invented the tension sheet, Rimmer also inexplicably went to school with the man who invented the Parker Knoll.

    #260953

    KNOLLIE TV

    Kryten threatens the crew’s appeal when he broadcasts some steamy footage of vintage arm chairs to the male crew members on movie night, without the furniture’s consent.

    #260954
    tombow
    Participant

    KILL CRAZY’S HAZY

    Kill Crazy is put on medicinal cannabis to calm him down, but the overly strong dose effects his memory and ability to carry out tasks.

    #260955
    tombow
    Participant

    POLYMORPH’S JOLLY WORF

    a Polymorph sneaking round the ship is distracted by soft toy of a Star Trek character with a friendly face.

    trek

    #260956
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S SOLIC’TORS

    Species finale Dave Lister stumbles across a small firm of litigators quietly beavering away at the back end of Y deck, apparently blissfully unaware that the original crew are dead and three million years have passed. Freshly alerted to the current situation, they coerce Lister into filing hundreds of aggressive lawsuits against a horrified and increasingly pennycentless Rimmer in order to maintain a steady stream of income for the firm. Ker-CHING! Meanwhile, Triad Tony digs out his trusty machete and honour kills Madge. Guest starring Stephen Mangan as Anthony Bretherton and Nish Kumar as Sanjay Proctor-Singh.

    #260957
    Dave
    Participant

    KNOLLY KNOP DRIVE

    Holly invents a device that will instantly teleport Red Dwarf to the nearest branch of Furniture Village so Lister can indulge his armchair-based desires.

    #260958
    Dave
    Participant

    HEALTHY? WHO CARES? PARKER WAHEY!

    Lister swaps Kryten’s heads around so that the mechanoid will be more tolerant of his armchair-abuse antics.

    #260959
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAT’S BRATS

    Dave repeats Can of Worms. Meanwhile, Kryten blacks up.

    #260960
    Dave
    Participant

    KNOLLYMORPH II: EMOPARK

    After a BEGG chokes to death at the Bread Wharf while shouting Fuck My Arse We’re On Page Seven, Lister is seduced by another shape-changing bra-laden armchair in this thinly-disguised fan-service excuse to revive a few of the most popular previous Ideas For An Episode.

    #260961
    cwickham
    Participant

    POLYMORPH II: OTIS THE AARDVARK

    Series VI is re-edited so it can be shown on CBBC.

    #260962
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE POLYMORPH AND THE PAUPER

    Controversial episode which reveals that Lister has actually always been a polymorph when the real David Lister returns having spent five years in a POW camp, then working in a Chinese sweatshop for two decades until it was shut down by the United Nations.

    #260963
    cwickham
    Participant

    IMAGINESLIDES

    Rimmer uses the timeslides to take the credit for writing the song “Imagine”. His life does not improve or change at all as a result of this.

    #260964
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMAGINE JUMP

    Ace Rimmer rounds up and destroys all known copies of the song “Imagine”.

    #260965
    cwickham
    Participant

    RIMMAGINEWORLD

    Rimmer imagines what the world would have been like if he had written the song “Imagine”.

    #260966
    cwickham
    Participant

    OUT OF IMAGINE

    The evil future Dwarfers return and reveal they were responsible for the most terrible act in the world — writing the song “Imagine”.

    #260967
    cwickham
    Participant

    IMAGINEWAVE

    Timewave, but all the incidental music is replaced with “Imagine”. This actually improves it a bit.

    #260968

    ENIGAMI

    The crew find themselves stranded in a Universe where John Lennon wrote his famous song backwards.

    #260969

    IMAGINE-CORP

    John Lennon buy Red Dwarf and mutes all sounds other than the song Imagine, leading the crew to deliberately chock themselves to death on some old cables.

    #260970

    IMAGINITOR

    A rouge droid travels through time, erasing all music and replacing it with the song Imagine.

    #260971

    IMAGINE AND PARANOIA

    Lister’s paranoia rightfully kicks into overdrive when he believes he has hullucinated the physical manifestation of a famous John Lennon song.

    #260972

    STARR-KNOT

    Ringo Starr goes skipping between dimensions looking for a better version of himself. He returns to his own dimension when he realises he is crap everywhere.

    #260974

    MCCARTOCRACY

    Paul McCartney fights for control of the hitherto underheard of and quickly forgotten Red Dwarf political sphere.

    #260975

    WHITE ALBUM

    The crew find themselves in the vicinity of a double LP spewing yawn-o-rama pop rock into the universe.

    #260976
    tombow
    Participant

    LEGION’S VEGAN

    The boys discover a space station run by a mysterious figure who eats a plant based diet.

    #260979
    Rubber
    Participant

    CAMILLE’S DAMN WHEELS

    Self-doubting splattergreen squelchmonster Camille slips a disc during a particularly vigorous bout of lovemaking and ends up confined to a wheelchair for several months, much to xyr frustration. Meanwhile, Kryten isn’t even bothering to hide the fact that he puts broken glass and razor blades in Kochanski’s meals anymore.

    #260980
    Rubber
    Participant

    PREE’S KNEES

    Gothbrowed predictabitch screentwat Pree reinstalls herself and makes a point of selecting a frame size that shows her legs as well as her face and knockers. Meanwhile, Cat whiles away another dull evening firing Kryten’s spare eyes from his vagina.

    #260982
    Rubber
    Participant

    HOLLISTER’S DOLL LISTERS

    Flabbergut bossbollock Captain Hollister develops a crush on Lister and takes a mould of him while he’s in stasis which he uses to create two dozen Lister pleasuredolls, all doomed to end up flattened under the fat captain’s bulky desire in a frottage frenzy. Meanwhile, Rimmer’s absolutely fuming that nobody’s said anything nice about his yellow eyeshadow.

    #260983
    Rubber
    Participant

    LISTER’S ’LISTERS

    Smegasaurus stinkoik Dave Lister makes 349 photocopies of Captain Hollister’s face, draws a different moustache on each one and uses them to wallpaper his bunkroom. Meanwhile, Cat’s cuban heels have worn all the skin off his heel and he realises Rimmer was right about the benefits of shoe trees all along. Will he swallow his pride and ask for a lend?

    #260987
    cwickham
    Participant

    ORIGAMI

    Enigami, but made out of paper.

    #260988
    cwickham
    Participant

    ORIGAMIER RIMMER

    Rimmer becomes much more papery.

    #260989
    cwickham
    Participant

    M-CORRIE

    M-Corp, but with new narration by Radio 4 continuity announcer Corrie Corfield.

    #260990
    cwickham
    Participant

    M-CARRIE

    Red Dwarf is purchased by a character from a Stephen King novel.

    #260994
    tombow
    Participant

    KILL CRAZY’S STILL LAZY

    KC continues to avoid his brig chores.

    #260997
    Rubber
    Participant

    CHEN’S PENS

    Bubblepermed greasesplatter Chen honours the unrealised ambition of his long-deceased great-great-grandmother Pauline Campbell-Jones and opens a small stationery concession on Red Dwarf, much to Rimmer’s obvious delight. Meanwhile, Kryten and Cat turn competitive when they both get really into making fractionally different varieties of spacemustard. Guest starring Pam St Clement as Big Mama Chen.

    #261000
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE FIRST TREE MILLION YEARS

    Due to a hilarious typographical mix-up, Dave accidentally commissions a three-part documentary series about the history of trees since they first appeared on our planet.

    #261001
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE FIRST PREE MILLION YEARS

    Due to a hilarious typographical mix-up, Dave accidentally commissions a three-part documentary series about a guest character from “Fathers & Suns”.

    #261002
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE FIRST PEE MILLION YEARS

    Due to a hilarious typographical mix-up, Dave accidentally commissions a three-part documentary series about the history of urinating, resulting in the channel’s commissioning executive being arrested on grounds of public indecency.

    #261003
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE FIRST GLEE MILLION YEARS

    Due to a hilarious typographical mix-up, Dave accidentally commissions a three-part documentary series about an American musical comedy-drama series.

    #261004
    Dave
    Participant

    BREAK ME A THREADER

    The latest legacy-Ace-Rimmer messes up by making a popular G&T forum thread inaccessible from the front of the website just moments before it hits a historic 16th page.

    #261005
    cwickham
    Participant

    THE FIRST LEE MILLION YEARS

    Due to a hilarious typographical mix-up, Dave accidentally commissions a three-part documentary series about the life and times of Lee Ryan, who it turns out is actually immortal and has lived for a million years.

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