Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Warbodog]

BACK IN THE RED – ‘PHWOAARR EXISTS’ VERSION

The chance of a decent hour-long special, with the worst bits consigned to an episode you can ignore.

[Warbodog]

KRYTIE TV-DRAFT TWELVE

At this stage, around 80% of the script is a roast of Doug Naylor’s wife. Doug shows it to his wife, who isn’t impressed and makes him spend the weekend in a hotel.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE HOTEL

Doug submits his latest draft of Krytie TV to his wife. It doesn’t go down well.

[Dave]

HAVE INFECTION, WILL TRAVELODGE

While holed up in a hotel, Doug rewatches Gunmen for a bit of inspiration.

[Dave]

OUROB-IBIS

Doug receives a mysterious invitation to stay at a hotel for the weekend. He enjoys his stay so much that he sends a reservation back in time and invites himself to stay at the hotel for the weekend. Because with the two Dougs going round and round in time, Krytie TV’s script can never truly be finished.

[Warbodog]

WAITING FOR GIDEON

During his hotel incarceration, a desperate Doug resorts to writing observational comedy routines about the things he sees around him and hopes he can find a place in one of these scripts where it won’t feel forced.

[Warbodog]

ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI WESTERN

The guys decide to play a video game again, because when has that ever gone wrong? Unfortunately, Lister accidentally presses ‘sort by file name’ on the directory when logging in and his consciousness becomes separated from the others.

Lister finds himself in an empty saloon named ‘AAAAA’ that Kryten has hastily added to the level editor for the purpose of catching Lister at his earliest point, after Lister explained to him what he’s about to explain to Lister: they can’t leave the game, their only chance is to try to complete it together, choosing the route that will keep them in sync as much as possible.

From this point on, things get a little bit confusing.

[bloodteller]

YOU’VE JUST UNPLUGGED THE CON’S HOLE

Unmade episode from Series VIII in which Cat removes the buttplug of a sexually submissive prisoner.

[Pete Part Three]

BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE, THERE’S NO KIND OF ATMOSPHERE

The Red Dwarf theme is rewritten with some questionable new lyrics.

[cwickham]

TWATTICUS FINCH

Howard Rimmer learns not to judge his brother by how much of a twat he is.

[Moonlight]

BUT WAS IT AN ACCIDENT?

Rimmer discovers what shirt tails are for.

[Moonlight]

BLACK CARD

Doug’s wife digs through his desk and finds “Phwoarr.” She threatens to file a restraining order against Doug until he assures her it was Paul Alexander’s fault. EVERYTHING was Paul Alexander’s fault.

[Moonlight]

BLACK IN THE CARD

Lister sneezes a glob of cigarette tar into his Father’s Day card.

[cwickham]

MR CATTICK

Lister discovers a parallel universe where he stowed Frankenstein aboard Red Dwarf by locking her in attick.

[Moonlight]

WHITECARD

The Dwarfers encounter a strange object in the post pod that causes them to compulsively continue unpleasant conversations for eternity. Can a bloodshot Lister 37 hours deep in an argument about salad cream and where it should be placed save the day with a pair of Cat’s trimming scissors?

[cwickham]

MR CATWEAZLE

Lister discovers a parallel universe where The Cat was played by Geoffrey Bayldon.

[Moonlight]

BLUE IS THE WARMEST CARD

Lister recieves a saucy Valentine’s Day invitation from Rimmer. But was it all an elaborate ploy by Kryten to set him up with the one person who will never leave him? Only an 8 minute bout of uncensored hardcore sex will tell.

[Moonlight]

BLACK LARD

Kryten cleans Lister’s fridge.

[Moonlight]

BACK TO GIRTH

Kryten’s looking a bit pudgy in Series XIII.

[Moonlight]

JACK TO GIRTH

The sequel to Blue is the Warmest Card.

[Moonlight]

DINOPHWOOARR

The VIII episode order is reduced to 6, necessitating the combination of multiple plots into single episodes.

[Moonlight]

DINOPHWOOARR PART 2

Shit, we need 52 don’t we? Tack on two more. We have no money and two weeks left, so hurry up.

[Moonlight]

THE CRAIG CHARLES OBSERVATIONAL COMEDY HOUR

A proposed means of filling out Series VIII. Features a cavalcade of erection jokes courtesy Mr. Paul Alexander.

[Moonlight]

CAT’S TAINT ORIFICE

Paul Alexander spec script that got him a job on Red Dwarf.

[bloodteller]

BANDERSNATCHER

After watching the new Black Mirror special, Rimmer goes insane and starts stealing parts of Lister’s body in order to create his own meta-narrative. Luckily, Lister chose to put Sugar Puffs in his sandwich at breakfast that morning and so the story branches onto an entirely different path in which Rimmer travels through a mirror into another universe and things all get a bit complicated

[Moonlight]

CONFIDENCE IN PARAEDOLIA

Lister finds a kebab shaped just like Kryten’s head.

[Moonlight]

CONFINED GITS & TEARIN’ SAWYER

Alternate cut of Marooned where Rimmer wishes to keep the bit of Tom Sawyer with the n-word, in case anyone at the BBFC actually knew what Lolita was about.

[Moonlight]

ME3

Alternate title for Psirens.

[Moonlight]

PETE PART WHO

The long-awaited Doctor Dwarf crossover is finally released. Ranked the 5th worst episode of Red Dwarf in Ganymede & Titan’s 2024 Boron Ballot.

[Moonlight]

BORON BALLOT 2024 TOP 10 NEW EPISODES:

5. S13E04 “Kryten Gets a Cell Phone”
4. S14E03 “Captain Rimmer”
3. S14E01 “Elvis Comes to Visit”
2. S13E02 “Brownhole”
1. S14E06 “Krystmas”

[Dave]

WE HAVE TO GO

When Rimmer laces the food of Cat and Lister with an extremely powerful laxative, Kryten summarises the situation via overdubbed dialogue recycled from ‘The Inquisitor’.

[Warbodog]

THERE’S AN OLD ANDROID SAYING WHICH I BELIEVE IS PECULIARLY APPROPRIATE HERE: WE HAVE TO GO!

Tight new edit of Terrorform that removes the unnecessary scenes of Kryten jabbering and giving directions in favour of a hard cut to them rowing back to Starbug, overdubbed with a line from ‘The Inquisitor.’

[Warbodog]

THE ENGINE CORE IS APPROACHING CRITICAL MASS! WE HAVE TO GO!

Tight new edit of ‘Demons and Angels’ that replaces the unnecessary “ski boots” and “Awooga Waltz” exchanges with an overdubbed line from ‘The Inquisitor.’

[Dave]

I CAN’T SEE YOU BUT I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME: WE HAVE TO GO

‘Remastered’ version of Future Echoes in which Lister’s appearance with his twins is interrupted by the disembodied voice of Kryten via a recycled overdubbed line from ‘The Inquisitor’, foreshadowing the character’s appearance several episodes early in a baffling tease.

[Warbodog]

SPEED COUNT MODE. 557 YEARS? WE HAVE TO GO!

Tight new edit of ‘Rimmerworld’ that significantly shortens the prison scene by cutting straight to the teleporter shot, overdubbed with a line from ‘The Inquisitor.’ Maybe this is what watching Japanese Red Dwarf is like.

[cwickham]

YOU HAVE TO WAKE ME UP BEFORE WE GO-GO

New edit of “Back to Reality” where all the incidental music is replaced by Wham!

[Dave]

OG OT EVAH EW

Tight new edit of ‘Backwards’ in which Kryten and Rimmer reconstruct Starbug and leave backwards-Earth as soon as they arrive (explained via overdubbed recycled dialogue from ‘The Inquisitor’), thus ending the episode around twenty minutes early.

[Dave]

HE HAS TO GO

Tight new edit of ‘Pete Part Two’ in which Kryten succinctly explains that a dinosaur is about to shit everywhere.

[Dave]

WE HAVE TOGA

Deleted scene from ‘Demons and Angels’ in which Kryten describes what the ‘highs’ are wearing.

[cwickham]

WE HAVE GOAT

Previously unknown, never-before-broadcast pilot episode where Lister was put into stasis for smuggling his pet goat on board. With special guest star Laurence Olivier as Mr Goat.

[Warbodog]

WE HAVE TO GO JOHNNY GO GO GO GO

An unnecessarily complicated sketch in the League of Gentlemen series 2 is tightened up by dubbing a line from Red Dwarf’s ‘The Inquisitor’ over Reece Shearsmith and just cutting to the next scene.

[Warbodog]

YOU HAVE A HUSBAND? GO.

New edit of ‘Camille’ that tightens up the baggy denouement by overdubbing a word from ‘The Inquisitor.’

[Dave]

IT’S COLD OUTSIDE, WE HAVE TO GO.

New six-second-long version of the closing theme featuring guest vocals by Robert Llewellyn, lifted from ‘The Inquisitor’.

[Ian Symes]

WE HAVE TO LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH

The Inquisitor, but in Welsh.

[Dave]

WE HAVE TWO GOES

After fluffing his lines during the recording of a scene in ‘The Inquisitor’, Robert Llewellyn forces the crew to set up a second take.

[cwickham]

EMERGENCY BACK-UP AIR SUPPLY, WE’RE ON THE DOG’S MILK

That scene from Kryten, but with all the dialogue, music and SFX replaced with a song by a British-Australian soft rock band.

[Pete Part Three]

WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER

Lister enters Rimmer’s sub-concious via a modified dream recorder, attempting to implant the idea of revealing where he’s hidden the ship’s supply of cigarettes. Unfortunately, a manifestation of Yvonne McGruder keeps on turning up and demanding sex from Rimmer. When she’s unsatisfied, Lister advises Rimmer to go deeper.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

AND IF I EVER EVER EVER SEE YOU IN THIS OFFICE AGAIN, YOU ARE FINISHED. WE HAVE TO GO

New edit of Pete Part 2 to remove an over long and poor gag by over dubbing a line of Robert’s from The Inquisitor.

[Dave]

OFFICER RIMMER – HE’S… DEAD SIR

Face-saving re-edit of the end of ‘Officer Rimmer’ that overdubs Kryten’s line from ‘Out Of Time’ over the end credits in a desperate attempt to provide some closure to the episode’s plot.

[Warbodog]

I HAVE TO GO

Controversial post-credits coda from the final episode of Red Dwarf that reprises the shot of Cat browsing the dream recorder from ‘Parallel Universe,’ implicitly decanonising the entirety of the Kryten era (apart from The One Where Somebody Else Was Kryten).

[Author]

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