Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Dave]

HOW LOW SHIP

Lister checks Starbug’s altimeter.

[Dave]

ELO SHIP

Rimmer forces everyone on board Red Dwarf to listen to Mr Blue Sky. He is surprised when Lister actually quite likes it.

[Warbodog]

GOROSHIP

Starbug comes across a ship piloted by a beefy four-armed man-dragon hybrid.

[Warbodog]

SHANGTSUNGSARA

After defeating Goro, the crew are challenged by a powerful sorcerer who’s basically Legion again. After Kryten logics him to defeat, the episode immediately goes downhill as they sit around talking about formica for 20 minutes.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

FELLOWSHIP

By chance the crew encounter the USS FAGS (Fellows Alone in Galactic Space) crewed by a group of university lecturers researching the affects of survival in deep space. Lister, bored of his mundane life aboard Red Dwarf, jumps at the chance to be a research subject. Shortly after his arrival, the crew choke to death on their own smug gitiness, leaving Lister alone once more.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

ACCOUNTANTSHIP

Whilst returning from a routine scavenger hunt aboard a derelict, Starbug inexplicably crashes into the side of the ship from the open skit to Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. After a brief sing-a-long to ‘the great accountant sea’ intellectual property rights lawyers arrive on set demanding to speak to Doug for not clearing the use of the ship, characters or song in the episode and a fight breaks that lasts the remaining 20mins of the episode.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

DICTATORSHIP

All of Rimmer’s birthdays and Christmas’ come at once when they discover a ship crewed by famous historical dictators. Rimmer begs to join them, leaving the rest of the episode to bare a striking resemblance to a series V episode, including Rimmer having sexual intercourse with Kim Jung Il.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WORSHIP

Cat detects a worship, which the crew believe to be manned by religion fanatics in search of their creator. After some intents investigation, Cat explains that he meant it was a ship that makes a whirring sound.

[Warbodog]

LOLOSHIP

The crew encounter a ship crewed by French women with ginormous breasts. The sleazy romp turns serious when they explain that they changed their bodies so drastically because of insecurity and depression that will ultimately lead to their suicide aged 37.

[Warbodog]

FOMOSHIP

Lister tries not to think about what he’s missing on the Discord server and returns to more “important” activities like bubble blowing.

[Warbodog]

SORRY TO BE A BORE

Lister falls back into the habit of spamming the G&T forum again. He decides to call it a day for everyone’s sake, mainly his own, so he can concentrate on building his Junior Angler skills instead.

[Dave]

HOLLOWSHIP

The crew come across a derelict that has absolutely nothing inside, it’s just an outer shell.

[Dave]

YELLOWSHIP

The crew come across Thunderbird 4.

[Dave]

BELLOWSHIP

The crew shout at each other constantly.

[Dave]

JELL-O SHIP

Lister and Rimmer argue with Kryten over the proper word for jelly.

[Dave]

PELLOWSHIP

Rimmer becomes a fan of Wet Wet Wet.

[Dave]

MELLOWSHIP

Everyone chills out after the joy squid actually does its job properly.

[Dave]

PILLOWSHIP

The crew discover a derelict that’s a giant rectangular cloth bag stuffed with feathers.

[Dave]

POLOSHIP

When the crew discover a giant ship shaped like a circular loop, they wonder why it smells of mint.

[By Jove its holmes]

Lyssa:

Lister romances Nyssa from Doctor Who. Adric becomes Rimmer’s rent boy.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOHIPS

Kryten informs Rimmer that in some circumstances, in old age it is possible for holograms to require hip replacements. Kryten performs the surgery and fans get angry that this contradicts the explanation of hardlight given in Legion whereby only Rimmer can penetrate his own hardlight body.

[Dave]

HOLOCHIPS

Rimmer asks for a nice cod and chips for dinner but Holly ‘accidentally’ gives him fish fingers in custard instead.

[Dave]

HOLOCLIPS

Rimmer starts wearing bicycle clips as he thinks they make him look dashing.

[Dave]

HOLONIPS

New title for Terrorform that will appear on the reissued Blu-Ray disc for series V.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOTITS

New title for Balance of Power that will appear on the Japanese Blu-Ray boxset.

[Dave]

HOLOLLISTER

Captain Hollister comes back as a hologram, ordering Rimmer and Lister around like Mr No Slacking from Chucklevision.

[Dave]

HOLOLISTER

Confusingly similarly-titled episode to HOLOLLISTER, in which Lister decides to live in a bunkroom with a hologram of himself. Everyone expects it to play out just like ME² but with Lister, but in fact they get along famously and holo-Lister becomes one of the main cast from then on.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOLLISTERLISTER

Hologram Hollister changes his appearance to the holo-projection of Lister. Taking a look down his trousers he winks at Cat and says “I’ve seen something you haven’t squire” … leaving Cat and the audience totally baffled.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLO-GRAM

Rimmer orders Holly to give him a cocaine to try and numb the pain of being dead. It doesn’t work, but he is now a junkie leading to a 7 series story arc of addiction, kicking the habit, and sobriety living as an addict.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOHOLLYHOLLISTERLISTER

In a bid to regain some control of the hologram matrix Holly projects his AI into the hologram of Hollister in Lister’s body

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOHOWARDHOLLYHOLLISTERLISTER

Rimmer’s brother Howard, feeling jealous if the new conglomerated holo-being, and not being one to be left out, implants his personality on top of the Holly-Hollister-Lister hologram.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOHOAGIEHOWARDHOLLYHOLLISTERLISTER

After dying off screen and taking holographic form, and always up for a bit in the boring mundane universe, Hoagie dives into the holobeast that is emerging adding himself to the mix and then challenges everyone to a match to the death across time and space for ultimate control of the new form.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOHOAGIEHOWARDHOLLYHOLLISTERLISTER AND PETE TRANTER’S SISTER

The holobeast, under the control of Hoagie, join forces with Pete Tranter’s Sister because Hoagie quite like’s things that rhyme. Beyond that, he doesn’t have a plan for their escapades

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

HOLOHOAGIEHOWARDHOLLYHOLLISTERLISTER AND PETE TRANTER’S SISTER SAY ‘WHAM BAM THANK YOU MISTER’

The Holobeast, lead by Hoagie, teams up with Pete Transter’s Sister and go around surprising people who have just had sex by shouting “wham bam thank you mister” in their faces.

[Dave]

HOAGIOGRAPHY

When Hoagie the Roguey dies, a grieving Rimmer and Lister take it upon themselves to chronicle his existence in ridiculously favourable and glowing terms, removing all indications of his flaws and past mistakes. They then realise that his name is actually spelled “Hogey” so the whole joke doesn’t really work, but fuck it I’ve written this post now and can’t think of anything better.

[Dave]

HULK HOGEY

Hogey becomes a wrestler after being exposed to gamma radiation.

[Dave]

PAUL HOGEY

Hogey is cast in the remake of Crocodile Dundee.

[Dave]

HOGEY’S RUN

Hogey dies upon reaching the age of 30.

[cwickham]

HO LOL

Rimmer laughs at the misfortunes of a prostitute.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SEX DWARF

80’s synth pop band Soft Cell teleport aboard Red Dwarf and fuck everyone and everything, including the vending machines.
​

[Dave]

G&T DIS-CORED

When the core group of G&T forum posters mysteriously disappears, everyone wonders where they might have gone.

[bloodteller]

LACK OF CONFIDENCE, AND PARANOIA

Forum user Bloodteller contracts mutated pneumonia and subsequently hallucinates their own, infinitely more depressing versions of the titular characters from Series I’s fifth episode.

[Dave]

LISTERS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES

Determined to make up for Timewave, Doug Naylor decides that episode one of Series XIII will be a paean to female empowerment.

Unfortunately by the time the episode is produced it has become a raucous sex-comedy in which Lister and Rimmer get uncontrollable erections every time women are mentioned, with females treated as little more than objects of lust throughout.

[Dave]

DIMMER RIMMER

When an asteroid hits the hologram projection suite, Rimmer’s IQ is halved.

[Dave]

GLIMMER RIMMER

Rimmer gets an even shinier suit.

[Dave]

STRIMMER RIMMER

Rimmer becomes obsessed with lawn edges.

[Dave]

TRIMMER RIMMER

Rimmer loses some weight.

[Dave]

SWIMMER RIMMER

Rimmer idolises Duncan Goodhew and starts modelling himself on him.

[Dave]

GRIMMER RIMMER

Rimmer reads fairy tales.

[Dave]

SLIMMER RIMMER

Pretty similar to TRIMMER RIMMER, really.

[Author]

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