Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[Pete Part Three]

TACKING THE LED

Howard Burden spends an exciting afternoon blu-tacking an LED to Kryten’s left shoulder pad.

[Dave]

PACKING THE LEAD

Director Ed Bye attempts to enforce a degree of on-set discipline by waving around a gun filled with live ammunition.

[Ridley]

MR RAT-A-TAT-TAT, RAT-A-TAT-TAT, TAT-A-TAT-TAT IN THE TREAD

He starts tap dancing.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAYOCRACY

When new director Juliet May finds out she is going to be fired, she attempts to form a union and run for President, but the door has already closed behind her and no-one will let her back in.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAY-CORP

Everything regarding the Red Dwarf series V shoot becomes invisible to Juliet May, owing to the door to the studio being closed as she leaves, and locked from the inside.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAYDOWN

Rob and Doug raise an army of lawyers to slay Juliet May and bring peace of mind to the Red Dwarf studios.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THANKS FOR THE MAYMORY

Juliet May wakes up with a broken foot and a near completed jigsaw puzzle on her kitchen table, with no memory of the last few weeks. She seeks to track down her lost memories, but asking complete strangers “whats a POV?”, as she is sure this is the key to unlocking the mystery of her missing memories.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAY2

Whilst attempting to boot up a hologram of Ed Bye to take over directing duties on series V, Rob and Doug discover May is a little more devious than they had estimated.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

D.N.MAY.

Things go horribly wrong when Rob and Doug attempt to use s derelict ships DNA resequencer to turn Juliet May into a really good director.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

THE LAST MAY

A message arrives from Grant Naylor Productions, informing the Red Dwarf Series V crew that Juliet May’s replacement is on their way, and she should tie up all her affairs, dismantle herself and put herself away in her storage case.

After a weak speech about “how good it was to work with her” from an unknown member of the crew, every decides that it is indeed to early for that Star Trek crap, and set about shuffling May out of the door in preparation for their new arrival.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAYNARCHY

Tiny little Juliet May’s push Red Dwarf off a shelf as she is fired, destroying it. Years later, under the guise of Chris Veel, she sets about sabotaging the show further by re-designing the ship with sub-par CGI technology.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAY TV

Kryten sneaks into Juliet May’s shower and films her. When she sees the footage she is confused by the angle of the shot, as it appears to be coming from Kryten’s eye level.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

CAN OF MAYS

A can of worms is opened up when the crew board a ship known to house a Vampire GELF that feeds on the blood of directors that don’t know what a POV shot is.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAY WAVE

A spacial anomaly pulls the USS POV from the past, filled with people completely unsuited to their roles, directing episodes of Red Dwarf.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

MAY TO REALITY

After being fired, Juliet May is snapped back to reality and discovers she isn’t actually a director after all, she has just been playing a video game very badly for 4 years.

[Dave]

MAY²

Juliet May is dismayed when she learns that her new neighbour may be Theresa May. In May.

[Dave]

SMOKE MAY A KIPPER

Theresa May irritates Juliet May by constantly setting fire to effigies of ex-Ukip leader Nigel Farage in her back garden.

[Dave]

MAYSIS LEAK

Juliet May finally decides she’s had enough when Theresa May’s sister comes round to stay and pisses everywhere.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE JUDD

Justin Judd is re-hired as producer.

[cwickham]

BACK IN THE JUDD PARTS TWO AND THREE

“Back in the Judd” is needlessly padded out with appearances from Judd Trump and Judd Apatow, both of whom are accidentally hired before Justin Judd.

[cwickham]

DE EMMONY AND THE IVORY

Andy de Emmony is revealed to have become a Stevie Wonder tribute act after leaving Red Dwarf.

[cwickham]

MARMALADEOCRACY

Re-edited of “Mechocracy” where the election is won by the naughtiest girl in the world.

[cwickham]

GIVE AND SKATE

Due to a hilarious mix-up involving two people with very similar names, a professional skateboarder is wrongly hired to do the warm-up for Red Dwarf I.

[cwickham]

BALANCE OF SKATER

I think of a pun that works much better for that last idea.

[Pete Part Three]

COINCIDENCE AND PAREIDOLIA

A forum poster starts to see hidden faces in Red Dwarf models. But was it an accident?

[cwickham]

ME HAIRED

New re-edit of Me² where the two Rimmers are differentiated by subtly different hairstyles.

[cwickham]

ME SCARED

New re-edit of Me² where one of the Rimmers has an irrational fear of tomatoes.

[cwickham]

ME LAIRD

New re-edit of Me² where one of the Rimmers has a Scottish accent.

[cwickham]

ME PEARED

New re-edit of Me² where one of the Rimmers is dressed as a giant pear.

[cwickham]

PETE PART HUN

Re-edited version of “Pete (Part One)”, with some lazy, stereotypical observations about Germans dubbed over the original dialogue. Amazingly, this is an improvement on the original.

[cwickham]

PETE PART NUN

Re-edited version of “Pete (Part One)” with everyone now wearing CGI wimples.

[cwickham]

PETE PART TON

Special 20th anniversary Blu-ray edition of “Pete (Part One)” encased in a one-ton block of concrete.

[cwickham]

PETE PART MOO

Re-edited version of “Pete (Part Two)” with a greatly expanded version for the cow that gets put in Pete’s curry.

[cwickham]

BACK TO EARTH PART NOO-NOO

Remastered version of “Back to Earth” where all the Blade Runner references are replaced with Teletubbies references.

[cwickham]

BACK TO EARTH PART SOO

Remastered version of “Back to Earth” where all the Blade Runner references are replaced with Sooty and Sweep references.

[cwickham]

BACK TO EARTH PART LEE

Remastered version of “Back to Earth” where the Creator is played by the star of Not Going Out.

[cwickham]

PREE²

Dave accidentally plays Fathers & Suns twice in a row.

[Dave]

CYBERZONE

When the AR machine develops a fault that means it can only display 17 polygons at a time, Lister starts a ship-wide videogame tournament to see who can endure the terrible primitive-VR experience for longest.

Unfortunately the rest of the crew ignore him and just start arguing about obesity instead.

[Dave]

MAAROONED

When Lister and Rimmer become stranded in a crashed Starbug on a snow planet, it’s all resolved quickly with a swift phone call to the AA.

[Dave]

THE LAST AA

The crew receives a message in a pod telling them that Kryten is to be decommissioned and replaced by the universe’s sole surviving AA employee. Everyone is fine with it.

[Dave]

TERRAAFORM

When Kryten and Rimmer crash on a psi-moon, a swift call to the AA gets them back in the air before anything bad happens.

[Dave]

GUNMEN OF THE AAPOCALYPSE

When Starbug’s navicomp is attacked by a nasty simulant virus, Kryten simply calls the AA to resolve the matter.

[Dave]

POLYMORPH II: EMOHAAWK

When Starbug crash-lands deep in GELF territory and loses essential parts and life-support mechanisms, the AA is luckily on hand to fix it with a minimum of fuss.

[Dave]

THE AAND

When Red Dwarf’s drive plate needs to be repaired, Captain Hollister cannily relies on the professionals and gets the AA in to fix it properly. It’s a good job as something nasty could have happened otherwise.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

I’M PRACTICALLY UP THERE WITH THE AA, LINCOLN AND MOSES

Lister compares himself to a US President well known for ending slavery, a biblical figure well known for saving the Jews, and a well known breakdown recovery service.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

SILICONIAA

The crew are kidnapped by a group of breakdown recovery people and forced to change tires and jump start cars.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

WAITING FOR AA

A Cat Priest has been waiting his whole life for the AA to arrive to fix his car. Thankfully Lister is on hand to help, by pretending to the blind cat he has changed the oil and replaced the tires. The Cat Priest dies happy.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

TWO As ACTUALLY

When Starbug breaks down, Lister helpfully suggests calling the American Automobile Association. Rimmer reminds him that it’s just the AA that they need

[Dave]

AA’s RIMMER

The crew of Red Dwarf dimension-jump to another reality where Rimmer works for the AA.

[Dave]

TICK ‘AA’ TO RIDE

If the Red Dwarf crew want to make use of a replacement-shuttlecraft service, they are required to sign up for a full account with the AA.

[Author]

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