Idea for an episode.

[smoke me a kipper]

Here is my idea for an episode.

The crew come across an old space station. inside they find a stasis booth. After opening the stasis booth they don’y believe it. It seems to be Hollister, but quite a bit older than they remember. Hollister managed to survive the accident and got off the Red Dwarf to get help, I will cut a long story short, at the end of the episode Hollister makes a death bed confession. It was he who caused the accident not Rimmer. He also tells Rimmer that When the accident occured, Yvonne Mcguder was on planet leave so did not get killed. She was pregnant with Rimmers baby.

That would be the start and end of the episode, there would need to be a chain of events in between, but I think you have the gist.

Thank’s for reading smeg heads. Smoke me a kipper I’ll be back for breakfast.

Topic

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO INVERCLYDE

New version of Tikka to Ride set in Scotland.

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO SLIDE

New version of Tikka to Ride set in a children’s playground.

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO HIGH TIDE

New version of Tikka to Ride set in Atlantis.

[Paul Muller]

TEAK? ACHOO! RIDE!

The crew come across an extremely large and heavy wooden chest of drawers. Rimmer suddenly remembers he’s allergic to it and after suffering an uncontrollable sneezing fit, the crew are forced to make a hasty retreat on horseback.

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO DIED

New version of Tikka to Ride where Lister dies from his beating at the end.

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO HIDE

New version of Tikka to Ride where everyone hides.

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO HYDE

New version of Tikka to Ride where Lister drinks a potion which turns him into a murderous alter-ego.

[cwickham]

TIKKA TO LIED

New version of Tikka to Ride where Lister lies in order to get everyone to go on a curry hunt. This episode is abandoned when it is pointed out this is already what happens in the episode anyway.

[Paul Muller]

PIKACHU RIDE

The crew are dismayed to discover that the planned Pokemon attraction at Universal Studios Florida has been indefinitely postponed.

[si]

PIKACHU, HYDE

Starbug rushes to Cheshire upon hearing about a Pokémon Go sighting.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

PIKACHU, CRIED

Film following the events of Starbug crashing into a field in Cheshire, killing dozens of young Pokémon Go players

[cwickham]

GOLDEN BROWN IN THE RED

Lister learns to play a song by the Stranglers.

[Dave]

NORMARCHY

Red Dwarf begins a new regular tradition in which Norman Lovett returns to the role of Holly as a ‘surprise’ in the final episode of every new series of the show, with the audience each time reacting as though he hasn’t appeared in the show since series 2.

The final episode of Series XVI is just Norm riding the applause of a rabid audience for 27 minutes.

[cwickham]

NORNARCHY

Lister uses the ship computer to play Creatures.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

NORMANCER

Norman starts to practice wizardry whilst he waits for a call to appear in Red Dwarf again

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

NORMROPHILLIA

Rimmer walks in on Lister fucking Holly’s monitor, and it is later discovered Norman died on set during filming

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

NORM AND CROSSES

Lister and Cat play naughts and crosses, using Holly’s head for the Os

[cwickham]

A BREAK FROM THE NORM

Norman Lovett stars in a 1990s advert campaign for a chocolate bar.

[cwickham]

MACAROONED

Two small biscuits made from almonds get stranded in a crashed spaceship.

[cwickham]

DOLLYMORPH

A new breed of polymorph which can only disguise itself as different types of dolly mixture is introduced.

[cwickham]

BRECON THE RED

Chris Davies arrives from a parallel universe after it emerges that standing an MP who was convicted of expenses fraud and recalled by his constituents in the resulting by-election is such a stupid idea it actually originated in an episode of Red Dwarf VIII, and he is looking for revenge.

[Dave]

HOLLY HOP DRIVE

Norman Lovett spills beer all over the tarmac area in front of his house.

[Dollar Pound]

NORMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE

kryten is suffering from blight, so the crew download themselves into his head to try and fix him. kryten is an essex based inventor who talks to his dog – the crew surmise he is in deep trouble and have to return to reality to help him by applying droid blight lotion into the flexible eves of his suit but they are reluctant to leave because they don’t want to forsake their cool cowboy costumes

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

NORMAN HOLDER

Norman’s chair has broken, so Noddy Holder is recruited to hold Norman at the right camera height so he can film his scenes.

[Dave]

TONG TIED

Norman Lovett buys himself a new set of cooking tongs in anticipation of a nice BBQ at the weekend. However, when he comes to unpack his new purchase, he finds that it is attached to the original box with very strong plastic cable ties that his cheap scissors are unable to cut through. Weeping with frustration, he instead resigns himself to cancelling his al fresco dining plans and microwaving a ready-meal curry instead.

[Dave]

BLUE MIDGET

When Norman Lovett goes to Sainsbury’s and accidentally clumsily trips over a short fellow shopper, he receives an earful of expletives in return.

[Dave]

BACKWARDS

Hapless grumblebox Norman Lovett gets into hot water when he tries a tricky reverse-parking manoeuvre into a tight space between two transit vans at his local branch of B&Q.

Abandoning the attempt halfway through, he instead opts for an easier space a bit further away from the entrance that has an empty space either side, thus providing a maximum margin for error.

[Dave]

OUT OF TIME

Hangdog-faced misanthrope Norman Lovett waits in a queue at Asda on a busy Saturday, secretly shitting himself that his 1hr45m of free parking is about to expire before he has completed his purchases, loaded his car and driven away. He shouldn’t have popped into Costa for a latte beforehand, he keeps telling himself.

[cwickham]

TACKWARDS

Lister steps on some thumbtacks.

[Dave]

LOVETT, ACTUALLY

Geriatric sadsack Norman Lovett stars in this feelgood Christmas anthology bittersweet romantic comedy in which a stubborn actor’s complaints about his working conditions lead him to be replaced by a more well-disposed female alternative who he then accuses of stealing his act.

[Quinn: Clochebusters World Champion]

NORMAN’S LAND

Norman Lovett takes back in time to tread the fields of no-man’s land in a thrilling documentary series. Filming is cut short and the series is scrapped when the floor assitent takes Norman’s ball away, and they can’t film the epic Christmas Eve football match reconstruction that had been planned.

[cwickham]

THE LASTING DAYLIGHTS

New version of The Last Day with all the incidental music performed by A-Ha.

[Dave]

BACK TO EARTH

Lugubrious grumpster Norman Lovett decides to quit showbiz and return to his original love: gardening. However he is disappointed when he drops a packet of compost down his trousers on the way out of Homebase, literally soiling himself.

[Dave]

BACK IN THE RED

Morose bellyacher Norman Lovett is dismayed to check his bank account and realise that a direct debit for his Amazon Prime account was deducted a couple of days earlier than expected, thus leaving his current account slightly overdrawn. He quickly transfers some funds to correct this.

[Dave]

BODYSWAP

Renowned sourpuss Norman Lovett has to have one of the side panels on his Ford Cortina replaced after misjudging his proximity to a bollard in the carpark of his local Morrison’s and scraping the car all down the passenger side. While he laughs off the incident to friends and family, he has secretly had his confidence shaken in his ability to drive safely, and increasingly favours taking the bus thereafter.

[Pete Part Three]

THE INK MISER BORE

Elderly Curmudgeon Norman Lovett wittily declares that he’d rather drink a load of ink than appear in Red Dwarf again. Then he is offered some money and changes his mind.

[Pete Part Three]

HiGH PENSION BUMP

Crotchety dampener Norman Lovett realises that, with the extra injection of cash from his recent cameo in Red Dwarf XII, he can buy that place in Eastbourne after all. Norman almost smiles at the thought.

[Dave]

SIRENS

Irascible codger Norman Lovett is woken in the middle of the night by an ambulance passing close by his house. He curses the poor sod who had the misfortune to fall ill at such an antisocial hour as he tosses and turns, struggling to recapture his slumber.

[Dave]

LEE/JOHN

Prequel to LEGION in which two blokes called Lee and John invent a gestalt entity that feeds on the psyche of those nearby, combining them into one glorious whole. “Call me Lee-John, for we are many,” the man in green spandex intones unconvincingly.

[Dave]

BEE/JOHN

When Lee is stung and killed by a bee that flies into the room, Lee-John suddenly gains yellow and black stripes and starts buzzing.

[Dave]

LE BON

A new gestalt entity is created when Legion suddenly appears in the same room as Duran Duran while they’re rehearsing.

[Dave]

PEAT PART TWO

Cantankerous prima donna Norman Lovett returns to his gardening, only to find that his lawn has been ruined by a dinosaur shitting everywhere.

[Dave]

STICKER TOO WIDE

Churlish septuagenarian Norman Lovett buys a novelty decal to apply to the back of his laptop, only to discover that the dimensions are all wrong for his particular device.

[Dave]

THE END

Surly old fogey Norman Lovett finally finishes reading the book he has been ploughing through – but not enjoying – for the last two weeks.

[Pete Part Three]

LACKING THE REDDIES

Having spunked all the AA money up against a wall, Doug realises he must rely on Kickstarter to fund Red Dwarf XIII. By the time the show finally goes into production, it has 427 dopey producers and they all want a resolution to the “Only the Good” cliffhanger. Doug has a little cry.

[cwickham]

BLACK WEDNESDAY IN THE RED

Due to a hilarious booking mix-up, former Chancellor of the Exchequer Norman Lamont plays Holly in this episode.

[cwickham]

MACK IN THE RED

New ending to “Only the Good…” where the ship is saved by Lee Mack.

[Dave]

MACK MAC MAC MACK IN THE RED

On the set of Red Dwarf VIII, Lee Mack is introduced to Mac Mcdonald.

[cwickham]

MACK TO REALITY

New version of Back to Reality where the Dwarfers wake up to realise they are all really Lee Mack.

[Dave]

MACK TO REALITY

Lee Mack wakes up to discover that all along he was actually elderly moan-merchant Norman Lovett playing a total-immersion videogame.

[Author]

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