Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

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  • #267626
    Dave
    Participant

    FUCK MY GARB WE’RE ON PAGE 114

    Robert Llewellyn refuses to don the Kryten costume when the thread moves onto a new page.

    #267627
    Warbodog
    Participant

    WHAT’S YOUR HANDLE?

    Ace Rimmer fails to initiate a round of I’m a Little Teapot with an unfamiliar Lister.

    #267628
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN

    Rimmer is taking his astros again, and is just one question away from passing. He must correctly fill in the blanks in the following, using whole numbers from one to nine, so that each statement is true and accurate:

    Below this line of text, and above the line of text that reads “END OF EXAM”, there are, in total:

    __ instance/s of the number 1;
    __ instance/s of the number 2;
    __ instance/s of the number 3;
    __ instance/s of the number 4;
    __ instance/s of the number 5.

    END OF EXAM

    What numbers should go in the blanks?

    #267629
    Warbodog
    Participant

    ALRIGHTY THEN, DUDES

    Norman Lovett is announced as the new Ace Ventura.

    #267630
    Dave
    Participant

    YOU’RE SMOKIN’!

    Robert Llewellyn is announced as the new The Mask.

    #267631
    Dave
    Participant

    I’LL SAY GOOD AFTERNOON, GOOD EVENING AND GOODBYE TO LOVE

    Norman Lovett is announced as the new Truman off of the Truman Show.

    #267632
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN

    Lister has been named the worst employee in the history of the Jupiter Mining Corporation in their annual review, and has decided to hide out on a leisure planetoid until things blow over. Whilst he’s returning to his motel room, he’s spotted by the JMC’s CEO, who sends his chauffeur and his secretary after him.

    The chauffeur covers 2 metres with every stride, but the secretary (who is shorter) only covers 1 1/2 metres with every stride. She can take 4 strides a second, but he can only manage 3 strides per second.

    It would have taken Lister 15 seconds to unlock the door of his motel room, enter and lock the door behind him, but before he can do it, one of them grabs him. Who got to him first?

    #267633

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN

    Rimmer is taking his astros again, and is just one question away from passing. He must correctly fill in the blanks in the following, using whole numbers from one to nine, so that each statement is true and accurate:
    Below this line of text, and above the line of text that reads “END OF EXAM”, there are, in total:
    __ instance/s of the number 1;
    __ instance/s of the number 2;
    __ instance/s of the number 3;
    __ instance/s of the number 4;
    __ instance/s of the number 5.
    END OF EXAM
    What numbers should go in the blanks?

    DON’T LOOK BABY, I’LL DRIVE YOU CRAZY

    A G&T forum user is driven crazy by constantly looking back at a MATHS IN THE RED post and being unable to figure out the answer

    #267634
    cwickham
    Participant

    CLUES IN THE RED

    With five example digits, and five blanks, the total numbers of the values you fill in must equal ten. Start by filling all five blanks with 1,1,1,1,1 — obviously that’s wrong, but totalling them gives you 6 1s and one each of the other four numbers. So change it to 6,1,1,1,1, and then keep on juggling the numbers around from there.

    #267635
    Dave
    Participant

    DON’T LOOK BABY, I’LL DRIVE YOU CRAZY
    A G&T forum user is driven crazy by constantly looking back at a MATHS IN THE RED post and being unable to figure out the answer

    SPACE CORPS DIRECTIVE 32311

    Kryten figured it out.

    #267636
    Dave
    Participant

    BACK TO MATHS IN THE RED

    Finally someone acknowledges a Maths In The Red Puzzle again.

    #267637
    Dave
    Participant

    SEE YA IN TEN PAGES

    Captain Hollister predicts how long it will be until one of the Maths In The Red puzzles is acknowledged again.

    #267638
    Dave
    Participant

    CRESS, MR SHOUTY?

    Lister offers Thornton some cress.

    #267639
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN

    Lister crashes Starbug into the middle of a planet, writing off the ship’s startup motor in the process. Fortunately, the planet is populated by androids whose technology is compatible with Starbug’s, but they are reluctant to give up any of their own startup motors to help Lister.

    Eventually they strike a deal: Lister will be introduced to all 100 of the androids, in no particular order. As each android is introduced, Lister is also told how efficient their startup motor on a scale where 1 is the lowest, but the highest possible number is not specified. He then has to immediately decide whether to ask them for their motor or not, with that decision being final. He will only be permitted to take the motor from them if he somehow picks the droid with the most efficient motor.

    Is there a way to maximize the chance of picking the correct android?

    #267640

    THANKS MR DAVE SIR, EEEK EEEK EEEK

    Taking on the persona of a mouse, a G&T forum user thanks another for solving an irritating problem for him

    #267641
    Dave
    Participant

    YOU’RE WELCOME!

    A G&T forum user completes a delightfully polite exchange around the solution to a maths puzzle.

    #267642
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    FUTILE ECHOES

    After another blackout, Rimmer agrees to an echocardiogram, only for Kryten to discover that this type of medical scan doesn’t work on dead people.

    #267643
    Warbodog
    Participant

    FUTURE TESCOS

    Back in the Red interquel.

    #267645
    Dave
    Participant

    FURNITURE ECHOES

    Lister’s crewmates begin to hear a rhythmic knocking sound emanating from the Parker Knoll.

    #267649
    cwickham
    Participant

    FUTURE MECH-OS

    Kryten invents a breakfast cereal for mechanoids, ostensibly in the future.

    #267652

    FUTURE SPAGHETTIOS

    Lister deduces from his bowel movement that he is about to have on backwards Earth, will result in him having spaghettios for dinner yesterday night.

    #267653
    cwickham
    Participant

    UH-OH, FUTURE SPAGHETTIOS

    Deleted line from the first draft of The End, spoken by Lister when he discovers he’s three million years in the future.

    #267659
    Dave
    Participant

    FUTURE ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI

    Lister plans further sexual adventures with Rimmer’s mum.

    #267662
    cwickham
    Participant

    KRYTIE GB

    Kryten discovers the only television channel worse than the one that broadcasts Women’s Shower Night Live.

    #267663
    Warbodog
    Participant

    THE KRYTIE KID

    Kryten becomes a surrogate father figure for a juvenile mechanoid and trains him to wax Mr Lister’s space bike endlessly with no ulterior martial arts motive.

    #267664

    THE KRYTIE YID

    Kryten leaves his Silicon Heaven beliefs behind and converts to Judaism

    #267665

    KRYTIE BID UP TV

    Kryten is kidnapped and reprogrammed to host a daytime auction channel for cheap tat you couldn’t flog at a car boot sale.

    #267666
    Warbodog
    Participant

    INCIDENTALLY, IT’S KRY TIE

    Captain Hollister requests that his dinner guests wear novelty Kryten ties to the event. Rimmer humorously misunderstands and gobs onto the captain’s wrist.

    #267667

    IDEA FOR A BEPPESODE

    Doug Naylor joins the writing team staff of Eastenders and starts making suggestions for the character of Beppe Di Marco, as he hasn’t seen the show in over 20 years and was unaware he had left.

    #267668
    Warbodog
    Participant

    IDEA FOR A PEPESODE

    Paul Alexander floats a crossover with an animated rapist skunk, rejected for being too similar to Back in the Red part 2.

    #267669
    cwickham
    Participant

    IDEA FOR A BEPPOSODE

    My 8-year-old niece joins the writing team of Red Dwarf and insists all future episodes are about her toy monkey Beppo.

    #267670
    Dave
    Participant

    IDEA FOR A LEPERSODE

    The boys from the Dwarf all contract leprosy.

    “I believe this is an appropriate juncture for you to give me five, sir,” smiles Kryten.

    “Give you five?” laughs Lister – “I can do better than that! I can give you three!”

    #267671
    Warbodog
    Participant

    IDEA FOR A STEPSISODE

    H from Steps is a hologram. The other people who are in Steps play characters that relate to their own names and/or personalities in wryly amusing ways.

    #267672
    Warbodog
    Participant

    IDEA FOR A WEAPOSODE

    Doug is commissioned by MI6 to weaponise Red Dwarf by creating a special episode for foreign markets designed to induce a state of disorientation and berzerk rage when viewed. When war is averted and the contract is cancelled, he bungs it in series XII.

    #267673
    Dave
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EPIDEMIC

    When the Boys from the Dwarf successfully isolate a hugely irritating virus in Lister’s severed arm, they decide to dispose of it by using the time drive to travel back to China in late 2019 and leave it there, thinking it’ll probably be fine.

    #267674
    cwickham
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EPIPEN

    Lister plans to return to Earth by designing a new emergency treatment for anaphylaxis, going on Dragon’s Den with it, and using the cash investment to design a time machine. His plan is foiled when he realises he would have to return to Earth to go on Dragon’s Den in the first place.

    #267675
    Dave
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EPIC SOWED

    When Doug sits down to watch Lawrence of Arabia one Sunday afternoon, it plants the seed in his mind that the next Red Dwarf feature length special should be four hours long.

    Robert Llewellyn quietly weeps.

    #267676
    Warbodog
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EXCESSODE

    Red Dwarf is attacked by an alliance of classic enemies from across time and space, so they recruit classic allies from across time and space to even the odds. During the epic space battle and ground combat in the corridors, Cat accidentally fires up the triplicator – now adapted into the billicator – and a billion copies of every ship and character is created, each one noticeably different. Ships equipped with time drives start appearing from the near future to modify the battle as it goes and time paradoxes run amok all over the shop, tearing down the walls of realities so all the infinite versions of everyone and everything occupy the same space at the same time, it’s a bit much.

    #267677
    Jenuall
    Participant

    IDEA FOR A MOBISODE: EASTER IN THE RED

    The easter bunny visits the crew for some reason and with no logical explanation. Kryten shakes so much his nipple nuts explode

    #267678
    Dave
    Participant

    IDEA FOR INXS ODE

    Lister travels back in time and teaches Michael Hutchence how to play Never Tear Us Apart.

    #267679
    Dave
    Participant

    BUICK TO REALITY

    In a last ditch attempt to fund the movie, Doug agrees a deal with General Motors to remaster a selection of old episodes to add some subtle product placement on condition that it does not violate their artistic integrity.

    As a result, Series V Episode 6 now concludes with the Dibbley party climbing into a Buick and easily outrunning their pursuers due to the Buick’s superior speed and acceleration, before settling down to live a long happy life tending to their new Buick.

    #267680
    Dave
    Participant

    BUICK IN THE RED

    Kryten’s nanobots rebuild Red Dwarf to the original General Motors specifications, meaning it is now equipped with a fleet of gleaming Buicks. As the boys from the Dwarf flee the rest of the crew, Cat stops and does a little dance with several transforming Buicks. They easily outdance him, to which Cat exclaims “wow, these Buicks really can do anything!”

    #267681
    Dave
    Participant

    BUICK TO EARTH

    Miniseries set between series VIII and X. The crew become depressed after discovering that their entire existence was in fact just a fictional advertisement for Buicks.

    #267682
    Dave
    Participant

    QUICK, LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THEY BRING HIM A BUICK!

    Cat urges the crew to retreat, jealous that Rimmer might be gifted a gleaming new top-of-the-line Buick by his mystery captors.

    #267683
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    RETENTION LUMP

    When Lister is again stricken with space mumps, Kryten diligently assists with routinely draining his head of gunge.

    #267684
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EPIDEME SEQUEL

    Paul Alexander phones up Doug with ideas for a sequel to a much-loved Series VII episode. Doug rejects the call.

    #267685
    cwickham
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EXCEL CODE

    Doug gives up comedy writing and becomes a master of spreadsheets.

    #267686
    Dave
    Participant

    IDEA FOR AN EPILOGUE

    Doug whimsically writes a scene about Lister and Kochanski on a farm on Fiji that will probably never make it to the screen.

    #267687
    Warbodog
    Participant

    IDEAL FOR AN EPISODE

    Chris Barrie suddenly remembers how to play Rimmer properly for 28 minutes.

    #267688
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN

    Holly claims to have come up with a mathematical proof that any number equals zero:

    1. Pick any two numbers that are the same. Let’s call them a and b.
    2. If a and b are the same, then we can say a = b.
    3. Multiply both sides by a = a² = ab
    4. Subtract b² from both sides: a² – b² = abb²
    5. On the left hand side is a² – b² which is the difference of two squares. We can write this as (ab)(a + b). Then on the right hand side we can factorize the abb² into b(ab). The equation becomes: (ab)(a + b) = b(ab)
    6. Divide both sides by (ab): (a + b) = b
    7. Get rid of the bracket: a + b = b
    8. Subtract b from both sides: a + bb = bb
    9. And therefore: a = 0
    10. We didn’t specify what number a was to start with, so a could be anything. Therefore, we’ve proved that any number = 0.

    Holly warns them that this proof means that 10 tonnes of solid steel becomes nothing, 100 years of time disappears in an instant, and a distance of a million light years shrinks to zero. The Dwarfers live in one spaceship, but if 1 = 0 Red Dwarf will disappear!

    Before this comes to pass, can they find a way of stopping Holly’s zero proof?

    #267689
    Dave
    Participant

    THE SAME NUMBER AS CHAMPION THE WONDER HORSE: ZERO!

    Rimmer quietly but firmly points out to Holly that step 6 involves dividing both sides by (a – b), and if a and b have the same value then this step means dividing both sides by zero, so it’s no wonder his equation turned out to be a load of bollocks.

    #267690
    Dave
    Participant

    Holly’s equation ends up living with a copy of itself and ends up having a terrible time.

    #267691
    Dave
    Participant

    A, A, I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, IT WAS YOU WHO DIDN’T FIX THE DRIVE PLATE PROPERLY

    Lister argues with Holly’s equation about who is responsible for the accident on Red Dwarf.

    #267692
    Dave
    Participant

    KRYTEN 2X4B² 523P

    Kryten changes his middle name to something less jerky.

    #267693
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY

    Holly comes up with another mathematical proof, this time proving that 10 equals 9.999999…. What’s wrong with it?

    a = 9.999999…
    10a = 99.999999…
    10aa = 90
    9a = 90
    a = 10

    #267694
    Dave
    Participant

    INFINITY WELCOMES CAREFUL MATHEMATICIANS

    Rimmer tells Holly to stop fucking around with equations that involve infinity if he wants them to make sense.

    #267696

    ORIGIN OF SAMSARA

    Muse pen an entire album detailing the writing processes behind one latter series Red Dwarf episode.

    #267697

    WHITE HOLE AND REVELATIONS

    Muse pen an entire album revealing what a white hole is.

    #267698
    Jenuall
    Participant

    OUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT

    Muse retcon one of their hits to be a reference to the classic episode Out Of Time

    #267699
    Jenuall
    Participant

    PLUG IN RIMMSY

    Muse pen a song which chronicles Rimmer’s woes when his light bee battery will no longer hold a charge

    #267700
    Jenuall
    Participant

    KNIGHTS OF SILICONIA

    Muse pen a song describing an encounter with the mounted division of the Mechanoid Intergalactic Liberation Front

    #267701
    Dave
    Participant

    PLUG IN YOUR HOT WAX DRIP UNSIGHTLY HAIR REMOVER, BABY

    Deleted scene from DNA in which Muse show up and urge Cat to ignore Lister’s instructions.

    #267702
    Dave
    Participant

    I’VE WOKEN UP IN THE MORNING TO FEELING GOOD FOR NO APPARENT REASON

    Lister theorises that a positive virus may be responsible for Muse’s cover of Feeling Good being the first song he hears on the radio that day.

    #267703
    Dave
    Participant

    MUSCLE MUSEUM GIVES UP, WAVES A LITTLE WHITE FLAG

    Lister is irritated that a large scratch on his copy of Showbiz means he can’t listen to one of his favourite tracks.

    #267705
    Dave
    Participant

    SPACE DEMENTIA? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S GOT… SPACE DEMENTIA

    Lister tries to talk to a Future Echo of Rimmer, unsuccessfully.

    #267734
    cwickham
    Participant

    WIGHTIE TV

    Kryten hosts a travelogue where he goes to the Isle of Wight.

    #267735
    cwickham
    Participant

    HAITI TV

    Kryten hosts a travelogue where he goes to Haiti.

    #267736
    cwickham
    Participant

    HEIGHTY TV

    Kryten hosts a travelogue where he goes up some really tall mountains.

    #267737
    cwickham
    Participant

    HENTAI TV

    Kryten broadcasts explicit anime and manga on his TV channel.

    #267738
    cwickham
    Participant

    TIGHTIE TV

    Kryten hosts a documentary about ill-fitting menswear.

    #267741
    Dave
    Participant

    GIVE & TIKKA

    Lister is feeling rough because of the loss of his kidneys/his curries. After a long convoluted time-travel plot involving the crew and their future selves as well as robotic identity issues and a crazed killer, Lister manages to go back and steal his own kidneys/his own curries and bring them back to the present.

    #267743
    Warbodog
    Participant

    KITEY TV

    Kryten streams himself flying a kite in Starbug’s wind tunnel.

    #267744
    si
    Participant

    WRIGHTY TV

    Kryten adapts Radio 2’s Steve Wright in the Afternoon show for Television, with hilarious consequences.

    #267745
    Warbodog
    Participant

    BLIGHTY TV

    Uncomfortably jingoistic Diamond Jubilee special.

    #267746
    Jenuall
    Participant

    KRYTIE CV

    When the crew finally arrive back on Earth Kryten puts together a resume when he realises he needs to find a job

    #267747
    Jenuall
    Participant

    KRYTIE GT

    Kryten finally gets the realistic toes upgrade

    #267748
    Dave
    Participant

    NIGHTIE TV

    Slightly more wholesome version of Krytie TV in which the women Kryten voyeuristically films are not quite naked.

    #267749
    Dave
    Participant

    MIGHTY LIGHTY TV

    Rimmer’s superhero alter-ego gets his own spinoff cartoon.

    #267750
    Dave
    Participant

    SHITEY TV

    Red Dwarf Series XII, Episode 3.

    #267751
    Dave
    Participant

    WHITELEY TV

    Lister starts watching old episodes of Countdown.

    #267752
    Dave
    Participant

    ALT-RIGHTIE TV

    Series XIII sees Doug experiment by pandering to rightwing viewers by playing up white nationalist elements in his storylines and recasting the show with white male actors only.

    #267753
    Dave
    Participant

    FRIGHTY TV

    Ghostwatch crossover.

    #267754
    Jenuall
    Participant

    CRINGEY TV

    Collection of all the worst parts of episodes such as Krytie TV and Timewave

    #267759
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE

    The Dwarfers discover a planetoid with a resemblance to Felicity Kendal’s bottom, and decide to take it with them by tying a rope around its equator. However, a group of GELFs also take a liking to the planetoid and decide to tie a rope around its equator that is elevated from the ground by one yard at all points along the rope. Assuming the planetoid is perfectly spherical, how much more rope do the GELFs need?

    #267760
    Dave
    Participant

    WOULD ANYBODY LIKE TWO PIE YARDS?

    Talkie Toaster interrupts the GELFS while in the middle of their calculations asking if they have some outdoor space to store all the tasty baked treats he has prepared for them, and inadvertently gives them a brainwave.

    #267761
    Warbodog
    Participant

    A CHAP LIKE YOU CAN TURN A GUY’S HEAD

    Bongo sees a physical therapist to help him recover from a whiplash injury.

    #267762
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION LUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a massive couch potato.

    #267763
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION MUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he has the mumps.

    #267764
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION PUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a petrol station attendant.

    #267765
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION RUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he has a big arse.

    #267766
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION STUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a tree.

    #267767
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION DUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he really needs the toilet.

    #267768
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION GUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he beat Tom Hanks to an Oscar-winning role.

    #267769
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION HUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he has the hump.

    #267770
    cwickham
    Participant

    DIMENSION TUBTHUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he was the lead singer of Chumbawumba.

    #267771
    cwickham
    Participant

    DAIMENSION JUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is either Welsh, or made of chocolate, but it’s hard to tell.

    #267772
    cwickham
    Participant

    HAIMENSION JUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is inexplicably part of the lineup for a pop rock group made up of sisters.

    #267773
    cwickham
    Participant

    LIME TENSION JUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he uses fruit as a way of causing friction.

    #267774
    cwickham
    Participant

    MIMENSION JUMP

    Rimmer discovers an alternate dimension where he is a mime artist.

    #267775
    Dave
    Participant

    A CHAP LIKE YOU CAN TURN A GUY DEAD

    Rimmer meets Death and knees him in the bollocks.

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