Home Forums Ganymede & Titan Forum Idea for an episode.

Viewing 100 posts - 11,901 through 12,000 (of 12,282 total)
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  • #268464
    cwickham
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE SEMETIC MUTANT

    The writer of Timewave turns his attention to anti-Jewish racism.

    #268465
    cwickham
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE GEPETTO-IC MUTANT

    The polymorph takes on the form of Pinocchio’s creator.

    #268466
    cwickham
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE GHETTO ICK MUTANT

    The polymorph is defeated by its allergy to boomboxes.

    #268467
    cwickham
    Participant

    LIE: I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

    Lister needlessly endangers everyone’s life by falsely claiming to be a polymorph.

    #268468
    cwickham
    Participant

    WHY I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

    Title of the polymorph’s tell-all autobiography.

    #268469
    cwickham
    Participant

    DAIM THE GENETIC MUTANT

    A brand of Swedish chocolate turns out to actually be an intelligent artificial lifeform.

    #268470
    cwickham
    Participant

    SLIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The Dwarfers defeat the polymorph by covering it in slime.

    #268471
    cwickham
    Participant

    MIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

    Cat impersonates the polymorph in a game of charades.

    #268472
    cwickham
    Participant

    PRIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph prepares itself.

    #268473
    cwickham
    Participant

    HI MY ARSE I’M THE 120TH PAGE

    Etc. etc.

    #268474
    cwickham
    Participant

    TIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph operates against the clock.

    #268475
    cwickham
    Participant

    VINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph joins social media.

    #268476
    cwickham
    Participant

    WINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph gets drunk.

    #268477
    cwickham
    Participant

    HI I’M THE SAM ETIC MUTANT

    Dustin Hoffman provides the voice of the polymorph.

    #268478
    Dave
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE ANASPEPTIC, PHRASMOTIC MUTANT

    A Polymorph appears in the form of Rowan Atkinson and insists that it is compunctuous to have caused the Boys from the Dwarf such pericombobulation.

    #268479
    Dave
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE ANTISEPTIC MUTANT

    A Polymorph appears on board Red Dwarf and vigorously cleans everything with chemical wipes.

    #268480
    Dave
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE ANTIDISTINCTLYMINTYMUNCHY MUTANT

    A Polymorph appears in the form of George IV.

    #268481

    HAIM: THE GENETIC MUTANT

    All woman rock trio ‘Haim’ stun the world when they reveal they are in fact a Polymorph.

    #268482
    cwickham
    Participant

    MINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The Dwarfers use antiquated explosives to blow up the polymorph.

    #268483
    cwickham
    Participant

    NEIN THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The Dwarfers are fooled by the polymorph pretending to be German.

    #268484
    cwickham
    Participant

    FINE THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph is hit with a massive parking ticket.

    #268485
    Warbodog
    Participant

    HI, I’M THE DYSLEXIC NUTMAT

    The crew meet a polymorph whose disability is misrepresented for comic effect.

    #268486
    Warbodog
    Participant

    FUCK OFF, I’M THE TOURETTES TIC MUTANT

    Same sort of thing.

    #268487
    Jenuall
    Participant

    CRIME: THE ENDEMIC PREDICAMENT

    Doug goes all political in an attempt to capture a new audience

    #268488
    Dave
    Participant

    DYING TIME THE GENETIC MUTANT

    A special epilogue added to the end of The Last Day reveals that Hudzen 10 was in fact the second Polymorph all along.

    #268489
    cwickham
    Participant

    JUST A GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph drains the Dwarfers’ emotions without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

    #268490
    cwickham
    Participant

    IT ONLY TAKES A GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph disguises itself as an American soul music group.

    #268491
    Jenuall
    Participant

    HI DE HI, I’M THE GENERIC ENTERTAINMENT

    The crew meet a polymorph in an episode that delivers all the fun and laughs of a UK holiday camp: i.e. none.

    #268499
    Dave
    Participant

    NEIL DIAMOND TIME!

    Gordon Kennedy digs out his copy of Hot August Night.

    #268502
    Nick R
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-THREE: SINE, I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The crew meet a polymorph that sets them a series of devious trigonometry problems.

    #268503
    cwickham
    Participant

    HEY NOW HEY NOW DON’T DREAM I’M THE GENETIC MUTANT

    The polymorph disguises itself as an Australian rock band.

    #268505

    FOUR POLYMORPHS IN ONE DAY

    The forth instalment in the Polymorph series sees an Australian rock band transform into polymorphs and play a song about it.

    #268506

    CAN OF WORMS II: IT’S ONLY NATURAL

    A group of polymorphs disguised as an Australian rock band appear to console Cat when he is told that the sex he had was disgusting and wrong.

    #268507

    POLYMORPHS WITH YOU

    The crew a serenaded by an Australian rock band who can’t quite believe just how many Polymorphs they seem to encounter.

    #268508
    Jenuall
    Participant

    DUCT SOUP II: LOCKED OUT

    When a Polymorph attack leaves the doors in Starbug locked shut and the crew trapped in Lister’s quarters an Australian rock band turns up to rescue them

    #268548

    BUTTHOLE

    Lister goes to the cinema and get stuck staring into the arse of an alien for 120mins.

    #268549

    JUSTPISS

    When Lister complains about the mess another cinema patron is making, the offered claims it is just piss and not to worry about it.

    #268550

    BUDDYSWAP

    When Lister realises his cinema seat is directly being an head-shitting alien, he askes his buddy to swap with him.

    #268551

    OUR-ROB-OR-ARSE

    Lister spies the back of the head of a his friend Rob on cinema that they tease for having a head shaped like an arse, but he can’t be sure if it’s them on an alien.

    #268552

    CASSARSEDRA

    The crew meet an alien arse that can predict the future.

    #268553

    ONLY THE POO

    Rob Grant confirms it is only solid waste that expels from the tops of alien heads.

    #268554
    Warbodog
    Participant

    STASIS LEAKY ARSE

    Deleted sub-plot from Stasis Leak where the time travel causes Lister to suffer from faecal incontinence and he has to use the bunkroom toilet while the past selves are out.

    #268556

    BATHROOM LEAK

    Lister finds a way to bring a plumber back from the past when a leaky pipe in the communal bathroom causes the habitation deck to flood.

    #268557
    Dave
    Participant

    HEADYPLOP

    Lister experiences bad luck on his trip to an alien cinema.

    #268558
    Dave
    Participant

    GUNMEN OF THE URGH PLOPPY FLICKS

    Lister gets so irritated with the inconsiderate faecal-noggined alien in his screening that he shoots him.

    #268559
    Dave
    Participant

    SHITONTHEFLICKS

    The unfortunate bonce-turding alien explains that his behaviour stems from mishearing some relationship advice from his brother years ago.

    #268560
    Dave
    Participant

    SHITEY LIGHT

    A cinema usher offers the bewildered plop-noodled alien his torch to help him clean up.

    #268561
    Dave
    Participant

    THANKS FOR THE AMENITIES

    The misbegotten dung-pated alien thanks the cinema usher for helping him to wipe his manure-encrusted head-arse, further obscuring Lister’s view of the latest Mugs Murphy.

    #268562
    Dave
    Participant

    SCAT TO REALITY

    Lister wakes up to realise that his entire extraterrestrial cinematic nightmare of head-bum-oriented theatrical interruption has been an elaborate total-immersion videogame.

    #268563
    Pete Part Three
    Participant

    BACK TO THE LAVATORY

    A movie-loving alien is caught short during a Mugs Murphy cartoon.

    #268564
    Warbodog
    Participant

    DIARRHOEA NO EVIL

    Lister and the head-arsed alien patch up their differences and perform a duet of Yankee Doodle Dandy rendered in burps and head-bottom burps, respectively. Unfortunately, things take a messy turn in the solos.

    #268565
    Dave
    Participant

    SHITTER

    Lister reality-skips across countless parallel universes in the hope of finding a cinema where he doesn’t have to sit behind an alien so repulsive that its hat has skidmarks.

    #268566
    Dave
    Participant

    DIMENSION TRUMP

    Lister dimension-jumps across countless realities and meets thousands of different aliens. However, he never encounters an alien as deeply smelly and repulsive as the one he’d met in the cinema. His impossible search continues…

    #268567
    Dave
    Participant

    CACK IN THE HEAD, PART ONE

    Lister is dismayed to find that along with the entire crew of Red Dwarf, Kryten’s nanobots have also recreated the poo-toupéed alien in the cinema.

    #268568

    ONLY THE POO

    Red Dwarf is attacked by an alien with an arse for a head, and Rimmer must cross through a bathroom mirror to get some toilet paper to clean up with.

    #268569
    loadoftottnumb
    Participant

    Only the Poo Part Too

    After returning to his universe with the toilet paper Rimmer is dismayed to see it has turned back into the poo. A vending machine laughs at him and he knees the alien in his balls which are somewhere round his ankles.

    #268570
    Dave
    Participant

    THE POO MIDGET IS LOADED

    Kryten warns everyone that a rather short alien who defecates out of its head is about to violently shit everywhere.

    #268571
    Dave
    Participant

    BETTER THAN WIPE

    The stinky poo-capped alien of Lister’s cinematic nightmares sticks his head in a bidet as he says he prefers it to toilet paper.

    #268572
    Dave
    Participant

    BOGGYSWAB

    As third technician, Lister is tasked with cleaning the cinema after the bumheaded alien has used it as his own personal latrine.

    #268573
    Dave
    Participant

    SHITE HOLE

    Kryten looks at the orifice in the top of an alien’s head and realises he’s never seen one before, no-one has, but correctly guesses what it’s for.

    #268574
    Dave
    Participant

    BATHROOMED

    Lister and Rimmer crash on an ice planet and fill their time sitting around discussing the most unhygenic aliens they’ve ever encountered.

    #268576

    BACKHEADS

    The crew fall through a wormhole and end up in a universe where everyone shits out of their heads. Cat has a nasty surprise when he goes into the buses just before leaving.

    #268577

    BOOTYSWAP

    Sick of being bullied for who he is, an alien swaps bodies with Lister so he can experience what it is like to have an arse for a head.

    #268578

    OUT OF TOILET PAPER

    The crew meet themselves from 15 years in the future, and they have run out of toilet paper. Ever give them access to the bog roll they desire, or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky.

    #268579
    Dave
    Participant

    PETE NUMBER TWO

    Lister meets an alien called Pete who shits everywhere. Out of his head.

    #268580
    Dave
    Participant

    INFINITY WELCOMES CAREFUL WIPERS

    Red Dwarf novelisation in which Rob Grant, working the computer, wrings an entire chapter out of painstakingly describing an alien defecating out of the top of its head for no other reason than to discomfit his reader.

    #268581
    Dave
    Participant

    LAST POO, MAN

    Lister warns his bumheaded alien companion that this had better be the final time that he defecates out of his cranium during Casablanca.

    #268582

    THE LOG: A DEFECATORS GUIDE TO EVERYTHING

    Craig Charles releases a book charting his stool samples for a year, rating them on the Bristol Scale and detailing his experience eliminating them.

    #268583

    THE MAN IN THE RUBBER ARSE

    An uncredited prosthetics actor reveals all in their memoir about being hired to play the alien with an arse for a head.

    #268584
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN’T SEE YOU, BUT I KNOW YOU CAN SEE ME

    The anus-brained alien mocks Lister as he sits in front of him at the cinema, knowing he is obscuring his view.

    #268585
    Dave
    Participant

    WE HAVE TO GO!

    A group of arse-headed aliens in a cinema loudly insist they have no control over their bodily functions.

    #268586
    Dave
    Participant

    I THINK HE’S JUST DISCOVERED WHAT SHIRT COLLARS ARE FOR

    The bum-crowned alien gets a scare as he explores the DNA ship.

    #268587
    Warbodog
    Participant

    POO-RAY SET

    Red Dwarf gets a proper high-definition home release, with the catch that part of the lower image is permanently obscured by the silhouette of an arse-shaped head that periodically splatters the screen with effluent. Responding to complaints from fans, series co-creator Doug Naylor explained, “It’s a reference to a joke from one of the episodes. You get used to it after a while.”

    #268588
    Dave
    Participant

    PREOCCUPATION? ER, BUM

    The G&T Idea For An Episode thread becomes obsessed by a hypothetical arse-headed alien.

    #268589
    Dave
    Participant

    BRAINS IN THE ANAL REGION

    The buttock-bonced alien tries not to think too hard, lest he trigger a bowel movement.

    #268590
    Dave
    Participant

    POO

    After the brown-eye-visaged alien finally leaves Red Dwarf, Lister begins to have disturbing dreams in which they embrace romantically. Realising that Lister is missing his erstwhile companion, Kryten creates a special VR experience for him, comprising the last 50 ideas for an episode.

    #268591
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR

    Lister and Rimmer’s bunkroom is 655 metres from Kryten’s storage cupboard, 393 metres from Cat’s bedroom, and 314 metres from Starbug’s landing bay. Cat’s bedroom is 236 metres from Starbug’s landing bay and 524 metres from Kryten’s storage cupboard.

    Assuming the distance between Starbug’s landing bay and Kryten’s storage cupboard is less than the distance between Lister and Rimmer’s bunkroom and Kryten’s storage cupboard, what is the distance between Starbug’s landing bay and Kryten’s storage cupboard? Please round to the nearest metre.

    #268592
    Dave
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE BROWN

    While trying to revise for his astronavigation exams, Rimmer gets disturbed by an alien who sits next to him and proceeds to shit out of the top of its head.

    #268593
    Dave
    Participant

    TIKKA TO SHITE

    After taking his new alien pal for a curry in 1963, Lister is distraught when the resulting shit fountain hits a passing JFK, killing him instantly.

    #268594
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A HAT

    The bumheaded alien comes to the heartbreaking realisation that one particular item of clothing will remain forever impractical for him, given his particular affliction.

    #268595
    Warbodog
    Participant

    BROWN’S GOT CLEARANCE

    The alien head shit reaches the projection room.

    #268597
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE

    Rimmer decides to sit his astronavs again, but Holly makes a mistake with the maths questions, and all the numbers are scrambled — but they are scrambled *consistently*, so for example all instances of the digit “2” would instead use the digit “7”… but that’s just an example.

    Some examples of questions that end up in the exam are:

    518 x 70 = 6270

    6481 + 3294 = 32847

    7221 x (3334 + 3666) = ?

    Using this numbering system, what would be the answer to the last problem?

    #268598
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A CAT

    Lister is unusually callous when Cat faces a life-or-death situation.

    #268599
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A TAT

    Lister reconciles himself to never getting any more tattoos, as all the tattoo artists in the universe are now dead.

    #268600
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A CHAT

    Lister is nonchalant when Rimmer tells him it is a black card situation.

    #268601
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A TWAT

    Lister celebrates Piers Morgan’s death-day anniversary.

    #268602
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIX

    The chameleonic microbe comes across a planetoid. Its gravitational acceleration at its surface is exactly 10.0 metres per second per second, and its diameter is exactly 2100 kilometres.

    The chameleonic microbe is able to consume about 0.4 kg of pretty much anything, every minute, nonstop.

    Assuming that the density of the planetoid is uniform, and that orbiting bodies don’t significantly affect the planetoid’s gravity, how many years would it take one million microbes to consume one cubic kilometre of the planetoid?

    #268603
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A DAT

    Lister isn’t that bothered about an obsolete storage medium.

    #268604
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A RAT

    Doug cuts the Mr Rat scene from all future broadcasts of Skipper.

    #268605
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A MATHS

    Dave waits to see whether another Maths In The Red post will predictably follow immediately after three of his posts, like clockwork.

    #268606
    si
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A FAT

    Lister realises he can manage without a full Rob Grant library.

    #268607
    cwickham
    Participant

    MATHS IN THE RED PART ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN

    Kryten cleans out Lister’s sock drawer, and is left with exactly 31,416 tons of dirt.

    After flushing it out the airlock, he decides to do it again the next day, and is left with exactly 40% of what he found the day before. He continues cleaning the drawer every day, and every day he ends up with exactly 40% of the amount of dirt he did the previous day.

    If Kryten cleaned Lister’s sock drawer every day for 20 years, how many tons of dirt would he have to flush out the airlock, in total? Please round your answer to the nearest whole number.

    #268608
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A BRAT

    Lister says goodbye to Jim and Bexley.

    #268609
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A MAT

    Lister isn’t bothered when the two Rimmers in ME² move out and take the rug with them.

    #268610
    Dave
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A VAT

    Lister is delighted that being the last human alive means he no longer has to pay tax.

    #268611
    cwickham
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT PAT

    Lister catches up on three million years’ worth of EastEnders and discovers Pam St Clement’s character has been killed off.

    #268612
    cwickham
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT GNAT

    Lister squishes an insect.

    #268613
    cwickham
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT THAT

    Lister’s appendix is removed again, but he is not concerned.

    #268614
    cwickham
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HAT

    Lister’s head is a bit cold, but not worryingly so.

    #268615
    cwickham
    Participant

    I CAN LIVE WITHOUT FAT

    Lister loses weight.

Viewing 100 posts - 11,901 through 12,000 (of 12,282 total)
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